


I am Scully

by JaneIsles



Category: The Fall (TV 2013), The X-Files
Genre: Affairs, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Bisexual Dana Scully, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Developing Relationship, England - Freeform, F/F, Femslash, Fluff and Smut, London, Oxford, Romance, Sex, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, The Fall - Freeform, The X-Files - Freeform, The X-Files Revival, affair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2018-10-10 05:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 285,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10430490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneIsles/pseuds/JaneIsles
Summary: It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale ofThe Fall.





	1. Blow, Blow Though Winter Wind

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  [](https://s17.postimg.cc/k8z1vt74f/Iam_Scully_Banner.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s17.postimg.cc/k8z1vt74f/Iam_Scully_Banner.jpg)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I just like to say that I love Mulder and Scully with all my heart. I adore them and their relationship, as bittersweet and wonderful as it may be. I still believe, with all my heart, that their love story is not only the most beautiful but also the saddest one I have ever seen. I love them with all my heart but this has been on my mind forever and I needed to write this down. Please be aware that this is, first and foremost, a story about Dana and Stella._

_Blow, blow, thou winter wind,_  
   Thou art not so unkind  
      As man’s ingratitude;  
   Thy tooth is not so keen,  
Because thou art not seen,  
      Although thy breath be rude.  
Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly:  
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:  
   Then, heigh-ho, the holly!  
      This life is most jolly. 

_Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,_  
   That dost not bite so nigh  
      As benefits forgot:  
   Though thou the waters warp,  
      Thy sting is not so sharp  
      As friend remembered not. 

_[Song: "Blow, Blow Though Winter Wind" - William Shakespeare. "As You Like It", Act II, Scene VII]_

***

Dana Scully sighed, laying her face in her hands, taking in the silence surrounding her although it seemed scary at the same time. She heard the storm raging outside and dreaded the journey home. It would most certainly be a slow and exhausting one but the thought that she didn't have to drive herself calmed her nerves just a little. For days she had been ignoring the rather gloomy weather forecast, telling herself that the storm would pass only to find herself caught right in the middle of it. It wasn't even 6pm but the university had long been abandoned as people had headed home early due to the impending storm but Dana Scully had stayed behind to catch up on the mounting paperwork that she had been ignoring for weeks. She told herself that there couldn't have been a better time now that she was probably stuck in her office for the next few hours unless she wanted to take the risk and walk right into the madness outside.

She leaned back in her chair and sighed, smiling at the fact that it wasn't a basement office after all. She walked over to the window to catch a glimpse at the park but there was nothing but darkness outside. 

She could have gone home hours ago. She had finished her lecture on time and should have left with everyone else. Deep inside Dana Scully knew why she had stayed behind, why she had avoided going home without wanting to admit the truth. Things hadn't been going well between her and Mulder and she wasn't even sure if he was aware of how miserable she was starting to feel. Scully had found herself doubting her choices on more than one account but she was stuck, she didn't know where to go or what to do. 

She had almost everything she ever wanted. For years she had complained about the work they had done while a huge part of her had loved and accepted it but she had always longed for a safe job with secure payment and decent working hours; something she could rely on. That was exactly what she had now and it still didn't feel right.

***

_"Come on Scully, it'll be fun," he said and smiled at her, full of excitement. She leaned against her desk, dressed in pink scrubs and crossed her arms in front of her chest, wondering how many of their "adventures" had started like this. In the past she had lost track of the many times he had talked her into something she didn't believe in using nothing but his charm and the ability to get excited about certain things. It was something she secretly admired every now and then but she never told him that._

_"Mulder, this is crazy," she said and smiled nervously. She wasn't sure whether he was mocking her or was actually serious. "I can't just come to England with you," she said and looked around her office. It had been a long day and she was tired. She didn't believe him when he first asked the question and she was still a little taken aback by the fact that he was sitting in her office after all. He didn't even call to warn her in advance. After not having heard from him in months she had been surprised; by the fact that he was here and the fact that she realized how much she had missed him._

_"It won't be for long," he said and leaned back in the chair. She hadn't seen him in so long and all of a sudden he showed up, asking her to go to England with him to work on some cold cases. Scully didn't buy it, there had to be more to it but she didn't have the heart to bring it up. She wondered whether it was simply the FBI's solution to get rid of Mulder once and for all or at least keep him busy with something as far away from DC as possible._

_"I can't drop everything and leave just because you ask me to," Scully said although she had already considered it and he knew it. This is how it had always been and she thought that it might never change. He came up with some sort of ridiculous plan and, no matter how much she hated it, she would end up joining him sooner or later if only to make sure he didn't get himself killed at some point. Scully sighed and avoided his gaze. She had missed him and, as much as she hated him sometimes, she missed working with him every day. It had been such an important part of her life that it felt almost empty without him from time to time._

_"I can't do it without you," he said a little softer, knowing exactly how to push her buttons. "I need you with me, Scully," he said and rose from his chair. She kept her arms crossed in front of her chest, refusing to give in just yet._

_She hadn't been with Mulder in months and she had done a great job of trying to occupy her mind otherwise but the thought of having him just within reach had always been soothing. What unsettled her was the thought that they would be separated by an entire ocean. She couldn't just call him in the middle of the night and drive to his apartment in case something happened and that thought troubled her._

_"I don't know what to say," Scully admitted and looked down at her hands._

_"Think about it," Mulder said before he placed a soft kiss on her cheek and left her office._

***

Three years ago, Scully thought with a sigh. "It won't be long" had turned into three years and now Dana Scully was stuck.  
She didn't know whether she wanted to go back and get away from Mulder or stay in England. God knows she had tried to get away from him before but, as pathetic as it seemed, she had never been able to do that for a very long time. She had always found herself going back to him. She stepped away from the window and dropped into the chair, trying to decide what to do.

She hadn't thought about anything back then. She had been foolish, rushing when Mulder had asked her to go to England with him. That's how it had always been. He came asking and she followed without giving it a second thought and, no matter how much she disagreed, she followed him anyway. A part of her hated herself for being so naive but she also hated Mulder for asking in the first place. He knew that she couldn't turn him down, that she would always try to make sure things would be okay even though that meant losing herself in the process.  
Scully had often wondered why she had agreed to go to England with Mulder. It had seemed exciting and, after all these years, it had presented them with a chance for a fresh start far away from where it had all gone wrong. In the end this had been one of her main reasons: the chance for one last fresh start. There were too many demons lingering in the shadows, too many painful memories that had been shared back in DC, too many people who knew what had happened. Scully had told herself that it might be their chance to leave it all behind once and for all but she slowly realized that it hadn't been that simple. Running away from your past never changed any problems but somehow they seemed incapable of dealing with it either. 

In the beginning it had been exciting and scary and there had been so much to do that Scully didn't have time to let the doubts cloud her mind, to let her fear take over her thoughts. She had kept herself busy with the work at the hospital and at university that she hadn't even noticed that almost a year had passed. A whole year in which she had found herself not one but two jobs that made her happy and she had even made a few friends here and there. She shared a home with the man she had spend almost her entire life with and it should be soothing to have established some sort of routine but the truth was that Dana Scully had never felt lonelier. 

More often these thoughts had started to weigh her down, making it harder to get out of bed every morning. Sometimes she found herself unable to open her eyes in the morning and the only thing that gave her strength to get up was the thought of going back to bed as soon as possible. Scully wasn't a person who took naps during the day, especially not during weekdays but just the mere thought seemed comforting most times. Of course she never gave in to these desires although sleeping the day away seemed like a welcome option when things got out of hand or overwhelming. 

Avoiding Mulder had become a strategy. 

She wasn't proud of it because he was the reason she was here, the very reason she was still alive today but she found herself unable to bear his presence recently. For so many years they had been going back and forth and Scully felt like she had lost herself in the process somehow, not knowing what she actually wanted any longer. Deep inside she knew that she loved Mulder with all her heart but she couldn't shake off the bitterness that had started to take roots.  
She sometimes hated herself for loving him so much. She loved him but she wasn't sure she wanted to be with him. She needed him because that's what she had always done and relied on but could they really be happy in the end? She had tried to have faith but she hadn't been able to silence the nagging voice in the back of her head that continuously reminded her of the truth: she would never be happy like this.  
She had thought about it a lot over the last couple of months, whenever she had time to herself while she travelled to work. She wanted to be with him because she felt obliged to do so. It seemed ridiculous but it was the truth. What she hated most was the fact that she had never been able to allow herself to fall in love with anyone else. She never even saw other people, never allowed herself to be attracted to others and in the process she had started to feel invisible. It almost felt like no one even noticed or looked at her. It had ruined her and Scully often wondered whether she would ever be able to let go and love again. 

She wanted to be loved and appreciated but she often found herself setting up defenses as soon as it happened, trying to protect herself from being hurt in the process. With Mulder it seemed safe and familiar but it was starting to hurt. 

After all they had been through they had never managed to make things work for them. They couldn't be with each other as much as they couldn't be without each other. She had once more given up so many things to join Mulder on an "adventure" that she had long given up on and she had tried so hard to make things work somehow that she had been abandoned. She felt herself being more and more irritated by Mulder and the fact that he barely seemed to notice her anymore. They had settled into a dull routine that appeared to work for him but it left Scully feeling extremely lonely and let down. She was pretty sure that he had been falling back into old patterns of depression but she herself hadn't been able to deal with it or point it out.  
She knew he would most likely put it off somehow and she didn't have any strength left for that. She couldn't fight the battle for both of them. It seemed to suck out all the energy she needed desperately to keep going herself and she wasn't sure how much longer she'd be able to do that. 

In the beginning, when everything had been new, he had been supportive and excited. He had shown her around and made sure she settled in properly and that she was doing well. In contrast to her, he had been to England before. She had been amazed by all the things he knew about places and how he knew his way around even after so many years and she had allowed to let that cover the anxiety she had felt. It hadn't taken long until things slowly changed. Old habits died hard and now Scully felt like being taken for granted. He hardly ever looked at her or acknowledged her presence. She had lost track of all the times she had simply felt invisible and lonely even in his presence and it numbed her with tremendous sadness. 

She felt the pressure on her chest and the infuriating sadness that seeped through her veins, threatening to take over her emotions. She took a deep breath, trying to push these thoughts from her mind as she finished grading the last few papers. She had to finish this, come what may. She didn't want to take any of it home and she had to finish it to return with the feeling of having accomplished something today. 

The eery silence in the ancient building was just as soothing as it was unsettling but she refused to let that distract her. Instead of being scared she allowed herself to enjoy it. Soon the sound of silence mixed with the raging storm that had picked up strength within the last couple of minutes. It took her almost half an hour to finish the papers because her mind drifted off to other spheres far too many times but when she was done she put it all away as neat as possible, making sure her desk was tidy before she switched off the lights by the desk.  
She walked to the door to pick up her coat and hesitated for an instant. She had a pair of wellies at the bottom of the cupboard. She had bought them soon after coming to England, when she had realized that she wouldn't leave any time soon but she hardly ever wore them. She looked down at her feet, pondering whether to exchange the beautiful black high heels for the black wellies and decided against it. She did have a tiny umbrella in her bag although she doubted that it would be of any use in the storm. There was hardly any rain and getting out an umbrella with such strong winds didn't feel like a very smart move. 

Being out here at all isn't smart, the small voice in the back of her head whispered when she stepped out of the building a couple of minutes later. 

The air was much colder than she had expected; the temperature had significantly dropped since this morning and Scully cursed herself for not leaving earlier. She hugged herself, pulling her coat tighter around her body when the wind hit her from the West. It felt icy and unpleasant and she felt a shiver running down her spine. She ducked her head away from the breeze, slowly making her way down the small steps. She crossed the courtyard as careful as her footwear allowed in these unsteady conditions and considered going back to the office to put her wellies on but now that she was halfway across the courtyard she couldn't be bothered to go back either so she kept walking. She wanted to be out of the small park and away from the trees as soon as possible. 

Scully took a deep breath and pulled her coat a little tighter around her body, wondering what difference it made. She was tired and cold and she hated the weather. She hated the fact that she always forgot how long the way home could be. She only worked in London two or three times a week but she always forgot that Oxford was not quite around the corner if you didn't have a car. Of course they had one but the truth was that Scully still hated driving on the left side of the road. She had gotten used to it but she just didn't want to do it if she didn't have to, especially not in such dreadful weather. For an instant she thought about calling Mulder to pick her up but by the time he was here, it would probably be worse and a part of her was too stubborn to call him. 

They hadn't parted on good terms this morning and she had been relieved to get out of the house as soon as possible which was also the reason why she had forgotten to fetch the car keys from the coffee table so she had ended up heading straight for the bus stop to London instead of going back to the house. 

If she was entirely honest with herself it was exactly what she had been trying to walk away from, or better said who. Things had been pretty tough recently and she found herself avoiding Mulder, not knowing what to do. She had wanted to go home and lose the anger and frustration along the way but so far it had done nothing to change her state of mind. She dreaded going home, knowing what she would find there.  
Much to her dismay she heard the first raindrops fall from the sky and she quickened her pace a little to get out of here before all hell broke lose. The main street seemed quieter than usual but Scully took a few shortcuts here and there, hoping to get to the bus stop a little faster only to find herself lost at some point. The rain and wind had gathered a lot more strength and she had kept her head down to ward off the cold and wind which had caused her to lose track of where she was heading. She heard the wind howling angrily, wood sticks cracking dangerously in the trees above her and she hoped that none of them would hit her on the way down. She looked up and stopped, trying to make out where she had gone wrong but none of the houses seemed familiar at first glance. She sighed, trying to ignore the rain and the icy breeze on her face. She turned around on the pavement, wanting to head back where she had come from although she wasn't entirely sure of that either. 

All of a sudden she felt incredibly lost. She couldn't move and it felt like all the strength had been drained from her body at once. She wanted to go home, take a long hot shower and then fall into a deep and dreamless sleep but she was in London instead; in a dark street without knowing how she had ended up there. All her clothes were soaked by now and she was chilled to the bone. She covered her eyes with her hand for a second, trying to decide what to do. She knew she had to move fast to get away from here. There was debris drifting through the streets and it was simply a matter of time until some of it would hit her. Scully suddenly felt close to tears because all of this appeared to be too much. She couldn't deal with any of this any longer and she was getting close to booking a hotel room in London and stay there until it was all over. She was lost in thoughts and frustration that she didn't see the cyclist coming towards her but apparently he hadn't seen her either.  
"Watch it," she heard him yell but he was too fast and she was too taken aback to step aside in time. He managed to get out of her way but not without knocking Scully off her feet. She went down on her knees, bracing the fall with her hands. She was certain her palms would be scraped. She had let go off her bag and some of its contents were spilled across the pavement but she didn't care any longer. She was stunned from the impact; her head was ringing and it took her a few seconds to register what had happened. Her knees and palms were throbbing and she suddenly felt her eyes water with hot, fresh tears. Before she managed to gather enough strength to get up she felt a sob escaping her lips. 

"Fuck," she whispered under her breath and tried to get up. 

The cyclist was long gone but from the corner of her eyes Scully saw another figure moving towards her. She instantly prayed that no one would decide that this was the perfect moment to rob her but she willed her senses back to life, forcing herself to get up. She winced at the pain in her knee when she tried to rise from the cold, hard pavement. It didn't seem broken but she was certain there would be a pretty bad bruise come morning. 

"Are you okay?" she heard someone asking. It took her a couple of seconds to realize that the question was directed at her. She hadn't even noticed that the few raindrops had turned into a constant rain and the person in front of her repeated the question. 

"Are you okay?" she heard a woman asking and Scully immediately felt a wave of relieve wash over her as she tried to gather her belongings.

"You shouldn't be out here," the woman said, sounding genuinely concerned. 

"I'll be okay," Scully said rather weakly, trying to stand. "Thank you," she said and for the first time she looked up at the woman in front of her. Scully was stunned once again, without exactly knowing why but before she had time to waste another thought on that the blonde spoke again. 

"You're bleeding," she said and pointed at Scully's knees. They were both scraped and dark red liquid mixed with rain, staining whatever remained of her ruined pantyhose and probably made it look ten times worse. "Let me help you with that," the stranger offered and made a split decision that would turn her whole world upside down. 

"We shouldn't be out here anyway," the blonde woman said and led the way. She pointed to a flight of stairs just ahead of them and Scully pondered her options and going with this stranger sadly seemed to be her best one at that time; given her current state she didn't have much to lose. 

Without another word Scully followed the mysterious stranger into the house, grateful that there were only a few steps because walking really caused a lot of pain. She stayed behind, not wanting to invade the strangers privacy and waited for her to make a move. It felt weird to be here but not unsettling so. Scully had been in a variety of dangerous situations, knowing that the most dangerous killers preferred to hide in plain sight but something told her that the woman, who had just saved her from the storm, was not one of them. Nevertheless she tried to memorize her surroundings, instantly checking for possible ways to escape in case it seemed necessary. For a second Scully almost laughed at herself, wondering how far she would get if she tried to outrun anyone at the moment. 

"Come on in then," the blonde said while taking off her own coat. "Have a seat," she said and Scully did as she was told, feeling utterly exhausted all of a sudden; she shook her head to herself, trying to find her voice. 

"I'm sorry," Scully said, wondering what she was apologizing for. "I'll be on my way in a minute."

"You won't be going anywhere soon," the blonde said matter-of-factly. "You do look like you had a pretty rough time," she said and sat down on the coffee table in front of Scully. She suddenly became aware of how pitiful she must look in contrast to the woman in front of her. Her make up was perfect and her hair seemed entirely unaffected by the storm that had messed her up so badly. Her clothes still seemed perfectly fine whereas Scully was soaked to the bone with scraped, bloody knees and hands. Tears had been running down her cheeks and probably messed up her remaining make up by now. 

Scully almost laughed at the ridiculous picture, feeling slightly embarrassed. 

"So," the blonde said a little softer. "To whom do I owe the pleasure?" she wanted to know and Scully felt herself mesmerized by the picture in front of her. For a moment she saw so much of herself in that woman that it overwhelmed her; it unsettled her but it also sparked her interest which confused her even more. She appeared so calm, so soothing but cautious at the same time. She was in control, there was no doubt about it. 

"Dana Scully," she said, slowly getting her voice back. She held out her hand and the blonde took it. Her hand was warm and soft, her grip steady and slightly reassuring. She felt a sting in her palm, hoping that it wasn't bleeding. 

"Stella Gibson," she said with the slightest hint of a smile. "A pleasure to meet you," she had icy blue eyes and Scully felt her gaze piercing right through her and it took every bit of strength she had not to turn her head away. 

"Tell me, Dana," Stella said. "What the hell were you doing out there in the storm?" 

"Running away?" Scully offered and thought about it for a second. It wasn't the truth but it wasn't a lie either.  
Stella had not let go of her hand, she held on to it before turning it slowly so Scully's palm faced upwards. The redhead looked at their hands, finding herself unable to take it away from Stella. There were a few cuts and dirt but nothing that alarmed her in any way. 

"I see," Stella mumbled more to herself. "We should probably get that cleaned up a little," she said and didn't wait for an answer before she rose from the table and walked to the kitchen. She hesitated for a moment trying to clear her head, wondering what the hell she was doing. When she left her office earlier she had only thing in mind: get home before the storm hit and have a quiet evening with a glass of wine. 

Little had she known that everything would turn out to be different and that, from this day on, nothing would ever be the same again. Stella Gibson had always been protective of her privacy, hardly ever allowing anyone to invade it; especially a stranger and yet she had found herself inviting her in without a second thought. It wasn't just the fact that she had been hurt and shouldn't have been out there in the storm that had aroused her attention. From the moment she had laid eyes on Dana Scully she found herself strangely intrigued. She wanted to know what had worn her out so much, what had caused her to be in such pitiful state. Although Dana Scully didn't appear to be one to be pitied Stella didn't have the heart to abandon her. Contrary to what people said about her she wasn't as cold-hearted and icy as they liked to believe. 

Stella took a deep breath, trying to make sense of the conflict that was now raging within her. Scully was an attractive woman, even in her current condition, and Stella found herself drawn to the stranger. That was her thing; getting hooked up with strangers to avoid unnecessary conversations or attachments.  
What confused her, and that was the problem, was the fact that she wanted to know more about the woman who sat on her sofa at this precise moment. The blonde fetched the first aid kit and looked into the living room. She had a sudden impulse to hug the redhead and offer a little comfort. She looked exhausted and something told Stella that the storm had only been the final straw. There was a certain sadness and fatigue that threatened to overcome her but she didn't let it and her resilience was almost admirable.  
Something told her that she had nothing to fear although, and that was a thing she had learned the hard way not too long ago, the most vicious culprits were always the most unremarkable ones. She was certain that, in case it would be necessary, she would be able to overpower Scully in an instant though she reminded herself not to judge a book by its cover. All doubts tossed aside she made her way back to the living room and sat on the edge of the small coffee table. 

Scully looked at her with silent admiration and fascination, not exactly sure what to make of the woman in front of her. She allowed Stella to take her hand for a second time, turning it around gently in order to examine the wounds. Scully watched her quietly wondering whether it would be rude to tell her what to do but decided that there was only so much one could do wrong with a few scratches. 

"Talk to me, Dana," Stella said softly while she started cleaning the scratches on Scully's hand. Scully bit her lip, despite having expected the sting of the disinfectant it surprised her anyway and she wasn't used to people addressing her by her first name. She smiled at it and felt the sadness return. All of this seemed so strangely familiar and she wasn't used to people paying so much attention to her, let alone take care of her. 

"I'm used to people addressing me by my last name," Scully said quietly, whispering more to herself. 

"I like Dana," Stella said softly and touched the inside of her palm with her thumb. "It's a lovely name, why not use it?" Scully looked at their hands and found herself enjoying the short moment of tenderness but it also made her feel uneasy as she wasn't used to such intimacy. 

"Do you always take such good care of strangers Stella?" Scully asked. 

"No, I don't," she said matter-of-factly and Scully wouldn’t doubt it for a second. She reached for Scully's other hand.

"Talk to me, Stella," Scully repeated her opponents question and waited. She had a feeling that Stella wouldn't be quite so candid when she turned the whole thing around. 

"What were you doing out there?" Stella asked. "There have been warnings all week and you seem like a smart woman."

"So, this is your place and you get to ask questions?" Scully asked and smirked when Stella raised an eyebrow at her. 

"Yes, this is how it works," Stella said, feeling somewhat amused. 

"I've been working all day and I didn't pay attention to the time," Scully said calmly. Again, this was simply half the truth and Stella saw right through it. 

"You said you were running away from something," Stella said but she wasn't ready to share any of this with her and she wouldn't know where to start anyway. 

"Yes, I did," Scully said, putting a certain finality into the answer to make it clear that there would be no further discussion of that matter as of now. 

"Are you sure you shouldn't let someone check that?" Stella asked with a look at Scully's knees, the right one in particular, looked pretty bruised.  
"Lucky me," Scully said pursing her lips. "I am a doctor," she said and if she wasn't mistaken there was the faintest hint of surprise on Stella's face. 

Without waiting for a reply Scully reached out for the first aid kit and began to reduce the mess a little. Just as she had expected the rain had made it look worse than it actually was and putting a plaster on it wouldn't do much of a difference, it would only come off as soon as she started walking. 

"Can I just wash this off?" Scully asked and held out her hands. 

"Sure," Stella said and pointed at a door behind her. Slowly, Scully rose from the couch; her knee was trembling with effort and she tried not to put too much weight on it while she made her way to the small bathroom. For a moment she considered pausing to take off her heels but kept walking instead. For the first time since she left the house this morning she took the time to regard her reflection in the mirror and she was surprised by how fast things could change. For a moment she didn't even recognize herself. Her hair was wet and there was nothing left of the curls that she had worked on so thoroughly this morning. She pulled out a hairband from the pocket of her coat, putting her hair in a messy bun just to get it out of the way. There was a tiny bit of smudged mascara that she wiped away with her thumb. She rinsed her hands under the warm water and while she watched it run over her hands her eyes filled with tears, spilling over her cheeks and she didn't have the strength to hold them back any longer. 

She was about to have an emotional breakdown in a strangers house and she hated herself more than she even hated Mulder for putting her in this position in the first place. She needed someone to blame for her misery and he seemed to be a good place to start with. As painful as all of this seemed to be, it wasn't nearly as painful as the feeling of being rejected and abandoned by her best friend, her lover, her companion. For years she had tried to remain professional and composed, making sure that everything in her life was perfectly under control and now it all seemed crumbling and she didn't know what to do. 

This is what England had done to her. This is what Mulder had done to her and she was furious about it. She bit her lip while she regarded her miserable reflection, tears running down her face.  
She didn't look away when Stella stepped into her vision. She was a few inches smaller now that she had taken off her heels. She stood behind Scully, stepping right into her personal space. She felt the warmth radiating off her body and it felt somewhat soothing. Scully hadn't even noticed that she was trembling. 

"Don't look away," Stella said softly when Scully averted her gaze. "You're so beautiful," she said and Scully turned her head, her eyes finding Stella's in their reflection.  
She felt her presence right behind her, smelled her perfume. The entire moment seemed so intimate that Scully was frozen for an instant, at first she didn't even notice Stella's hand on her hip. 

„You are so beautiful," she repeated softly and a shiver ran down her spine when she felt Stella's warm breath on her cool skin.  
"I'll get you something dry to wear, you're shivering," she said and left. 

Scully immediately felt herself miss the warmth of her body. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to make sense of what just happened. 

Did she flirt with me? Scully wondered. 

She wasn't good at it, not with any of this. It's not like she had had a lot of practice in the past and despite that she certainly wasn't used to women flirting with her. With the back of her hand she wiped the tears from her cheeks, took off her shoes and returned to the living room taking the clothes that Stella handed her.

***

Stella Gibson stood in her kitchen, feeling all over the place somehow. She put both hands on the edge of the counter, taking a deep breath. This was not how she had imagined her evening to go, this was not supposed to happen at all and she felt slightly irritated by it. She hadn't intended to let any of this happen and she told herself to remain unaffected before there was no going back.

She looked around, needing something to distract herself. She glanced at the bottle of wine on the counter, considering her options when she remembered that she hadn't had a decent meal today and from the looks of it Dana hadn’t either.  
The truth was, she also wasn't ready to let her leave just yet, not without finding out who she really was and what she had been running away from. She started to make pasta while she waited for Scully to return and poured herself a glass of wine anyway. She took a tiny sip before she put the glass on the counter, lost in thoughts. It had taken every bit of strength she had not to lean in and place the softest kiss on the exposed skin on the crook of Dana’s neck. She had forced herself to remain strong, not wanting to scare her away. 

She didn't mind the occasional one night stand, she didn't even care whether she knew these people. It had, after all, never been about making friends but simply about satisfying her needs and she didn't need all the other fuzz. A few minutes later she dropped the pasta into the boiling water and waited. The problem with Dana was that Stella felt incredibly attracted to her but she also wanted to have her around and not drive her away. She hadn't been able to tell whether Dana would be attracted to her or not; Stella smiled to herself and reached for her glass of wine, waiting for her to return. 

"That feels much better," Scully said and crossed arms in front of her chest, hugging herself. She was dressed in simple black pants and a grey shirt. Everything was warm and soft and smelled fresh and clean.  
"Thank you," she said and walked over to where Stella was standing. She had once more attempted to fix the rest of her make up and decided to give up on that, it truly couldn't get worse. Stella noticed that, without her heels, Dana was about the same size as her. 

"Can I offer you a glass of wine, Dr. Scully?" Stella said with a playful smile and Scully nodded gratefully. 

"Yes, please," she said and ignored the warning in the back of her head, leaning against the counter next to Stella. The blonde suddenly turned and reached behind Scully, not giving her a chance to step aside. Stella didn't seem bothered by that though, having stepped into Scully's personal space on purpose. She fetched a glass from the cupboard behind her, lingering just a little longer, taking in the sweet scent of Scully's perfume mixed with her own fabric softener. She felt the warmth radiating off her body and didn't miss the fact that Dana held her breath for the tiniest second. 

"I hope you're okay with pasta," Stella said and poured Scully a glass of wine. 

"You really don't need to," Scully said apologetically. 

"Well," Stella said and sipped her wine. "I strongly believe my Chinese delivery guy would flip me off if I asked him to bring over some food now," she said and Scully smiled. 

She took a seat next to the blonde and put the glass of wine in front of her. She hadn't missed the way their fingers had briefly touched while Stella handed over the glass; Scully slowly started to notice what she was doing. Playing a game, testing her boundaries and she herself started to wonder how far she was willing to go. 

"How's the knee, doctor?" Stella asked and leaned her head on a hand, watching Scully from the side. 

"I'll live," Scully said with a smile. 

She regarded the blonde woman in front of her a for a few seconds. She could tell that there was much more behind the facade, more than she revealed at the moment and Scully was intrigued to uncover the mystery that was Stella Gibson.  
"I guess you're working at the university?" Stella suggested. 

"I teach, yes," Scully said without telling her the field and smiled over the brim of her glass. "What about you Stella?" Scully wanted to know and put her glass down. 

"Law Enforcement," the blonde said and Scully nodded having already suspected something like that and it seemed that they had a lot more in common than she had first anticipated. "Detective Superintendent for the Metropolitan Police," she offered. 

"Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson," Scully softly repeated to herself. "Thank you for saving me," Scully said and raised her glass. 

"I'm glad I did," Stella replied calmly without ever losing Scully out of sight. "What do you teach?" she asked a couple of minutes later over dinner. 

"Forensics," Scully said and felt herself relax a little. It felt good to have decent food and the wine helped to calm her nerves. "I teach Forensics."

"Do you work in Forensics, too?" Stella wanted to know. 

"I used to," Scully said and tried to put the story together without having to make a fool of herself while attempting to explain what she had spent most of her life working with. "I'm also a former FBI Agent," Dana said and took a sip from her glass. The look on Stella's face made her laugh. 

"I really didn't expect that," Stella admitted and raised her glass to Dana. "You are full of surprises it seems," she said calmly and Scully chose not to answer that, leaving Stella to figure out whether it was true. 

"What brought you to England?" Stella asked and Scully thought about that for almost a minute before she looked down at her hands, trying to answer a question she hadn't even been able to answer to herself honestly. Stella had almost expected her to say "love" but then again she noticed that Scully wasn't wearing a ring. 

"You don't have to answer that," Stella said, realizing that she had hit a soft spot and, without giving it a second thought, she put a hand on top of Scully's. She was mildly surprised when she didn't even flinch, her thumb softly caressing the outside of Stella's hand and the blonde wondered whether Dana was consciously aware of that and whether she knew the effect she had on Stella at this very moment. She appeared lost in thoughts and there was a profound sadness that washed over her for a moment; it wasn't the first time this had happened in the brief time they had known each other. Stella was starting to wonder what had caused this woman so much pain and sorrow. 

"I… I just don't know how," Scully admitted quietly. She had had that thought in her mind for a long time but she had always refused to answer that for herself. 

"It's okay," Stella repeated and she meant it. For some reason she couldn't picture Dana coming to England all by herself although she wasn't wearing a ring but Stella reminded herself that she was a doctor and with all the hand washing she could imagine a ring only being rather inconvenient most of the time. 

Scully looked at their hands, not wanting to move or breathe in case it would break the moment of tenderness. She found herself enjoying it more than she had imagined and she didn't remember the last time anyone had actually touched her. She felt a strange sense of longing wash over her that had only deepened when she felt particularly lonely during the long nights that restlessness had kept her awake. She was yearning for someone to hold her; she needed to feel someone else's presence, feel their heartbeat against her own body. She felt her eyes well up with tears, blinking them away before Stella noticed. She refused to cry now, taking a deep breath to keep herself together.  
Stella had never lost her out of sight while Dana was fighting an inner battle that seemed to cost a lot of strength, that much was obvious. Despite the fact that Stella had a lot of sympathy for the woman, she had only just met, she also felt a sense of longing and affection. She had a feeling that none of this wouldn't last much longer and it troubled her somehow. It was one of the things she usually didn't bother with but this time seemed different. She had to make sure Dana didn't forget about her and it slowly dawned on Stella that she didn't want to let her go. Before she knew what she was doing she raised her hand, gently lifting Dana's head by the chin to face her. She met her gaze and for the first time that night it felt like they actually looked at each other. 

_Who are you?_ Scully heard the voice inside her head asking and she wasn't sure whether it had been addressed to Stella or herself. 

She looked at the blonde woman, who sat only inches away. She seemed perfectly in control of her actions; the kind of person who always had everything in her life under control but it didn't escape her notice that there was a lot more than that. She met Stella's gaze and her hand slowly moved to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear. Scully found herself holding her breath when Stella gently touched her cheek. She closed her eyes for an instant and before her mind had time to catch up Stella slid off her chair and put a hand on Dana's hip while the other rested on her neck, pulling her in for a kiss. Scully held her breath, stunned by the soft feeling of Stella's lips against her own.  
It was a strange sensation though familiar at the same time. It only took her brain a second to catch up before she allowed herself to get lost in the moment. She parted her lips a little, a soft moan escaping them when Stella turned her around, trapping her between the counter and the weight of her own body. Scully's hands slowly snaked around Stella's waist, pulling her petite figure to her own, savoring the physical contact she had craved for so long. Stella slowly deepened the kiss, her tongue slowly finding its way into her warm mouth. The kiss turned more urgent and desperate with every second and a welcome and familiar warmth spread in her lower belly as their bodies softly melted against each other, bracing the on-going storm. Stella's lips tasted faintly of red wine; sweet and forbidden. Suddenly she broke the kiss, her forehead resting against Stella's as she tried to catch her breath; her cheeks were slightly flushed. 

The kiss was surprising but pleasant and it confused Scully when she realized what was happening.

"I should go," she said quietly without moving away from Stella. The blonde still had a firm grip on her body. 

"Okay," she said softly against Scully's lips without moving an inch. She had almost expected this to happen, had feared that it would come to this if she allowed her desires to take over. She closed the distance between them once more, placing a soft kiss on the redheads lips. 

"I really should go," Scully whispered and it sounded like she was trying to convince no one but herself. She still had her arms around Stella, keeping her close for one last moment.

"Dana," Stella whispered softly before she placed a feather-light kiss on the crook of Scully's neck. She didn't miss the fact that it sent a shiver down the other woman's body, her breath hitched a little when she did so. 

"Stella," Scully replied and it almost sounded like a plea. The blonde stepped back and regarded the other woman in front of her. Her cheeks were flushed and for a second she appeared more confused than ever. She turned away from Stella to get her coat from the living room. She knew that, if she didn't leave now, she never would. She had been tempted and her desires threatened to get the better of her, willing to give in whatever laid ahead. 

Stella watched her, wondering wether this was it and how long it would take Dana to notice that she wasn't wearing any shoes. Slowly, Stella stepped into the living room and leaned against the doorframe while she watched Dana. There was a certain sadness spreading inside her chest, an impending desire to keep Dana from walking out the front door but she tried to be reasonable. She had freaked her out somehow, she should've known. She was about to open the door when she noticed her missing shoes and Stella could see the internal battle flare up again when the faintest smile danced on her own lips. In the end Scully decided that leaving without her shoes would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. She took a deep breath, bit her lip and turned around to get her shoes. If she hadn't been so confused she would've laughed at the situation. 

Scully walked past Stella and collected her shoes from the floor. She put them on, immediately wincing at the pain in her knee but there was nothing she could do about it now. She was about to leave when Stella reached out to her again, pulling her into another kiss which Scully welcomed as her defenses melted one by one. Stella cupped her face with both hands and a soft moan escaped her own lips. Scully broke the kiss for a second time that night and held on to Stella's hand while she stepped back. 

"Don't forget about me, Dana," Stella said softly. She could see it in her eyes, the conflict that was raging within her. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils dilated. She was fighting against the urge to give in and stay but in the end her reasonable side gave in to confusion. Stella knew it wouldn't do them any good to make her stay she just hoped that this wouldn't be the last time they saw each other. 

"How could I?" Scully replied with a sad smile and turned around to leave. 

The storm had calmed a little and Scully turned right when she stepped out of the house, walking to where she expected the main street to be. The air was still chilly but a pleasant calmness had settled in along with it. It was late and the streets were surprisingly empty, even for London. Thank God the coaches travelled all night long and she didn't have to worry about getting home. She looked over her shoulder, back to the house she had just left before she walked around the corner and it disappeared.

It didn't take too long until she found what she was looking for. The coach was almost empty and Scully picked a seat upstairs somewhere in the back, embracing the darkness and the anonymous silence. She leaned back, kicked off her shoes and propped her feet up on the seat next to her. She touched her knee through the fabric of Stella's pants, wincing at the sharp pain and decided to leave it be until morning. All of a sudden she remembered that she hadn't checked her phone for hours, noticing that Mulder had tried to call her not too long ago. She felt a pang of guilt in her chest and bit her lip. She sent a quick text, letting him know that she was on the way and turned her phone on silent before she put it into her bag. It was almost midnight by the time they were out on the M40 and left the city traffic behind them. She closed her eyes, her fingers touching the lips that Stella Gibson had kissed not too long ago; she still felt them touching her very own so softly. 

It didn't take long until the tears fell from her eyes and in the darkness of the coach she finally allowed herself to let them. She laid her face in her hands and quietly cried to herself. In the end she couldn't even say why she was crying but she found herself unable to stop either. After a couple of minutes she dozed off lightly, lulled in by the soft sway of the coach and the warmth that surrounded her.  
The tears had stopped by the time she stepped out of the taxi since she couldn't be bothered to walk and there weren't any busses at that time. She made her way to the front door, shivering when the crisp air crept beneath her coat. She was exhausted and absolutely shattered, feeling a wave of relieve wash over here when she noticed that the house was dark. Mulder must've gone to bed already, she thought when she stepped inside the house and as quietly as possible, not bothering with lights. She went straight to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Quietly she sat down on the edge of the bathtub, kicking off her shows for the third time that day. She sat there without moving for a couple of minutes, lost in thoughts. One by one she shed her clothes, Stella's clothes, and remembered that the dress, she had put on this morning, was still at her house. She felt a smile spread on her lips when she realized that she might have a reason to go back and see Stella after all. She wasn't sure what she wanted or whether her opinion would change after she had got a good night's sleep but the thought of having a reason to go back to London, without having to come up with a ridiculous excuse to do so, calmed her a little.  
She rose to stand in front of the mirror, a shiver running through her body as she stripped off the last bits of her clothing. Closing her eyes she felt the faint brush of Stella's hands against her hip, leaving goosebumps in its wake. She felt her soft lips on her neck, covering her own lips so tenderly. She sighed, feeling her nipples harden slightly and she wondered whether it was simply because of the cool air or Stella who had got under her skin. She pulled the hairband out and finally stepped into the shower, relaxing her aching body under the hot, soothing water. 

About half an hour later she crawled into bed with Mulder sleeping soundly next to her. She was too tired to cry and think about what had happened and whether she would see Stella again. She knew where to find Stella and that thought made her feel strangely calm; it comforted her when she smelled the faintest hint of Stella's perfume on the sweater she had put on after the shower and drifted off to a dreamless sleep after a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)


	2. Mine Eye And Heart Are At Mortal War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s17.postimg.cc/k8z1vt74f/Iam_Scully_Banner.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s17.postimg.cc/k8z1vt74f/Iam_Scully_Banner.jpg)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I just like to say that I love Mulder and Scully with all my heart. I adore them and their relationship, as bittersweet and wonderful as it may be. I still believe, with all my heart, that their love story is not only the most beautiful but also the saddest one I have ever seen. I love them with all my heart but this has been on my mind forever and I needed to write this down. Please be aware that this is, first and foremost, a story about Dana and Stella._

_Mine eye and heart are at a mortal war_  
_How to divide the conquest of thy sight;_  
_Mine eye my heart thy picture’s sight would bar;_  
_My heart mine eye the freedom of that right._  
_My heart doth plead that thou in him dost lie,_  
_A closet never pierced with crystal eyes;_  
_But the defendant doth that plea deny,_  
_And says in him thy fair appearance lies._  
_To 'cide this title is empanelled_  
_A quest of thoughts, all tenants to the heart,_  
_And by their verdict is determined_  
_The clear eye’s moiety and the dear heart’s part:_  
   _As thus—mine eye’s due is thy outward part,_  
   _And my heart’s right, thy inward love of heart._

_[Sonnet 46: "Mine eye and heart are at mortal war" - William Shakespeare]_

***

Stella woke early to the sound of rain softly tapping against the window of her bedroom. It was still dark outside and Stella wondered whether the storm had moved on over night. She leaned back against the soft pillows, still warm and comfortable from her slumber. It had been a restless night, like so many in the last couple of months. She turned her head, looking at the journal she kept on her bedside table but this time she didn't remember anything to write down. She sighed and pulled the covers tighter around her body to ward off the early morning chill and closed her eyes with a sigh.

She still had a few minutes left, as usual she woke up before her alarm clock. Sleep weighed heavily on her and she allowed it to lull her back into a soft slumber, her thoughts drifting to Dana. For an instant Stella was concerned, hoping that she had made it home safely. All of a sudden she felt guilty for letting her go. She had no doubt that Dana knew how to look after herself but she also knew what kind of awful people roamed the streets and liked to attack when you were least expecting it. Stella thought about texting her to make sure she was okay when she remembered that she didn't have her phone number. She felt the slight trace of sadness in her chest, surprising herself. Stella turned on her side, looking out of the window. She wasn't used to this; this wasn't her thing. She usually didn't worry about her one night stands or people she met along the way.  
They didn't concern her, there was no chit chat and how they got home was usually none of her business. They didn't stay over night and they most certainly didn't stay for breakfast but this time it seemed different. 

Stella sighed, trying to clear her head. She wasn't used to being so confused by the sudden affection and she wasn't sure whether she liked it. She closed her eyes and sighed, buried in thoughts her mind wandered back to the night before; a stormy night that had left chaos in its wake.  
She still smelled a faint trace of her perfume, lingering in the back of her own mind. Stella felt her soft lips on Dana's; she remembered the faint taste of red wine and an alluring sweetness that made her ache for more. She'd lie saying it hadn't affected her; she still felt the warmth spread in her lower belly when Dana laid her arms around her waist and pulled her closer to deepen the kiss. 

It had surprised for an instant, sparked a tiny bit of hope when Dana had opened her lips to her. She heard the soft moan, muffled by her own lips, at the back of her throat. It was soft and low, the most alluring sound she had heard that night and it softly mixed with the sound of her own that escaped her lightly parted lips in the early morning hours.  
Stella's hands absentmindedly wandered to her neck and came to rest on her breasts. She gently touched herself through the thin fabric of her negligee, her nipples hardening under her fingertips and the ghost of a smile played on her lips. Her hands slowly travelled down her belly, coming to rest on her hipbones, playing with the hem of her panties.  
She felt Dana's warm lips on her own, imagined the rest of her beautiful body just as soft under her fingertips. A sigh escaped her lips when her fingers finally reached the sensitive bundle of nerves between her legs, warm and wet in anticipation. Eagerly she spread her legs, slowly moving her fingers through swollen folds, slick with her own moisture.  
Her touch was intensified when she allowed her thoughts to wander. 

_Slowly her tongue traced the outlines of her eagerly waiting lips. Stella felt Dana's breath hot against her own lips as she hovered above the woman who still remained a mystery to her. She cupped Dana's breasts softly with her hands, teasing her already sensitive nipples. Her back arched from the bed leaning into to touch of her hands, asking for more. She wanted this; she needed this._

Stella moved her fingers in slow circles, lightly squirming under her own touch; a delicious warmth spread from her lower belly all the way to her toes.  
The imagination of Dana slowly coming undone beneath her sent a welcome shiver from head to toe. She took a deep breath, feeling the warmth curse through her as she concentrated on the feeling of her own fingers sliding inside of her. 

_Stella looked at her, her hooded eyes heavy with pleasure. Her own cheeks were flushed with excitement. She never lost Dana out of sight; every nerve of her body was on fire when she took Dana's hand, slowly guiding her where she needed it most. Dana moved her hands along with Stella's, teasing her slowly; her fingers sliding through the delicious wetness and inside her, drawing the sweetest moans from Stella._

Stella had never been a very vocal person, always kept her pleasure to herself. Only in the early hours of the morning did she allow her body to give in to the temptations, her soft moans echoing in the empty bedroom along with the sound of her quickening breath.  
She bit her lip when a wave of heat rushed through her body when she curled her fingers a little, finding that soft spot of pleasure. She arched into her own touch, her other hand seizing her breast. Her fingertips brushed over that soft spot again and again; she bent her knees, leaning into the touch. She kept Dana in her mind's eye, savoring the sudden desire as she abandoned her breasts, her other hand moved between her legs to tease her clit in slow circles. She felt a fine layer of sweat gather between her breasts as her chest flushed and heaved with breaths sucked in through parted lips. 

She felt the heat increase and rush through every fiber of her body, arching into her touch if only to relieve her hand to keep it from cramping. She came with a strangled moan, biting her lip as the orgasm rushed through her body. She stilled her movements, the last ridges of pleasure rushing through her veins as her orgasm subsided slowly. She felt spent, her limbs having gone numb in the aftermath. Her breath slowly calmed down and Stella turned her head, trying to make sense of what just happened.  
After a couple of minutes in serene silence she tossed the covers aside and padded to the adjoining bathroom. She thought about Dana Scully and how this woman had confused her and turned everything upside down. The mysterious redhead who had been hurt so deeply that it slowly tore her apart and Stella couldn't let go, she needed to know what had caused her so much pain. She was fully aware that she had her own demons to fight but there was something about Dana that made her put her own ones aside and reach out to the other woman.  
Quietly she wondered whether she would be the best one to pick up the pieces judging by the state she currently found herself in. It seemed almost ironic and Stella wasn't quite sure if that was what she wanted. The blonde wasn't sure where the sudden concern came from. Being a person who preferred to avoid any kind relationships or attachments she appeared unexpectedly affectionate and it threw her off. She hardly ever allowed her emotions to distract her knowing that it clouded her judgment, no matter how hard she tried not to let it; it was bound to happen. 

She stepped into the shower, the hot water washing away the last remainder of sleep and pleasure. She couldn't deny that she was attracted to Dana, not after what had just happened but what about the rest of it?  
There was no way she could allow her desires to take over and make her jump right into something, whatever that may be. Stella sighed; the previous serenity was slowly replaced by frustration. She didn't know Dana, didn't know what she wanted and whether she would see her again although that thought left an uneasy feeling in her gut.

Stella allowed herself to go back to last night; to the way Dana had looked at her, had reacted to her gentle touches, to their kiss. She had given into the kiss not once but twice, knowing what to expect. She had opened her lips slowly, pulling Stella closer and the blonde woman felt Dana's hands around her waist. Stella felt goosebumps on her own skin, a welcome warmth still tingling in her lower belly when she considered what might have been, if not only in her imagination. She sighed softly as the smell of lavender invaded her senses. The desire to be with Dana mixed with longing and an overwhelming urge to see her again but she pushed the thoughts aside for the time-being, letting the warm water caress her body, softly raining down while a storm was raging within her, testing not only her resilience but also her slightly crumbling finesse at remaining unaffected by such matters.

About an hour later Stella stood in her kitchen with a cup of coffee in her hand, feeling eerily calm and content. She heard the news play in the background, talking about the damage the storm had done last night but she listened only half-heartedly. She found herself getting distracted, her thoughts drifting off to what had happened in her kitchen last night. She sipped her coffee and glanced at the clock on the wall. She had a couple of minutes left to pull herself together, to remind herself to stay focused for whatever the day at the headquarters would bring. She wasn't working on an active case at the moment but it would only be a matter of time until something would come in and it wasn't like she didn't have plenty of stuff left to deal with. Every now and then she caught herself going back to Ireland and everything that had gone so awfully wrong. She still tasted the bitterness, felt the anger return, knowing that there was nothing she could do about it any longer and yet she couldn't let bygones be bygones. These were her demons, the torturers lingering in the shadows. She was fully aware that there was nothing she could do; the irrevocable damage had been done.

All there was left for her to do was raise her head, adjust her crown and keep walking. She had pretended that the Belfast disaster hadn't affected her one bit; she had kept going with business as usual but in the end it had cost a lot of strength. For someone who was used to be in control this had not only been a professional but also a rather private disaster that had left her shaken at the end of the day. It had never bothered Stella whether someone thought badly of her or considered it appropriate to judge her for anything she had done. She had never given a damn, having learned not to give a shit years and years ago when she started pursuing her career but the months following the disaster in Belfast had been particularly debilitating.  
She finished her coffee and put the empty cup in the sink, refusing to let the demons seize her before she even left the house; it wouldn't be one of those days. She turned around, spotting the empty wine glasses on the counter. She considered putting them away but chose to ignore them and take care of it in the evening. 

Entering the living room she switched off the tv and walked into her bedroom to grab a coat when she noticed the black dress on the chair in the corner. Stella paused for a moment, picking it up. The fabric was soft and smooth in her hands.

Just like her lips, a voice whispered in the back of her head and Stella put the dress back, a smile on her lips. She briefly remembered the thoughts that had given her a sweet release earlier, wondering what had got into her to allow Dana to get under her skin like that. Something told her that the former FBI Agent wasn't even aware of that; the fact that she was driving her out of her mind, her of all people.  
Maybe she now had a reason to see her again without having to come up with a ridiculous excuse after all. She grabbed a coat, feeling slightly more at ease and got ready to go to work.

***

Scully opened her eyes, feeling drowsy and exhausted still. She didn't stir, keeping her eyes closed as her senses slowly came to life. She inhaled slowly, listening to the sounds surrounding her only to realize that there was nothing but comfortable silence around. Without opening her eyes she knew that the other side of the bed was empty. Mulder had always woken before her, always been the one to get up early.

She couldn't tell how late it was, or early for that matter. She had a slight headache, the kind she sometimes suffered from after not having rested long enough. She felt like she'd been in deep sleep for ages, or at least her mind did. Her body did not agree quite so well. With every breath she took the memories of the previous night seeped into her consciousness and she didn't know what to make of it. In the very early hours of the day she had brushed it aside, telling herself that a few hours of sleep would help clear her mind but she had been mistaken; she now felt more confused than before. 

Slowly Scully turned on her side, wrapping her arms around her pillow; her cheek rested on the soft fabric that was still warm from her own body. She took a deep breath, attempting to put the pieces of her shattered emotions back in place. It appeared to be a pointless task since she didn't even know what she wanted; none of the pieces seemed to fit any longer. She moved her legs slowly, immediately wincing at the sharp pain in her right knee. She felt the throbbing in her palms as her body worked meticulously to patch up the broken parts though there was only so much her body could heal on its own. Healing from the insight was something she knew she had to work on herself and it proved to be her most challenging endeavor yet.

Scully had never been one to sleep in, not even on the weekends had she allowed herself to stay in bed for too long. There had always been something to take care of; something exciting to explore and there had always been work to do. Truth be told, she had never had the luxury of sleeping in whenever she felt like it, not with her crazy working hours during her time with the FBI. Deep inside Scully knew that, even if she had had a chance, she wouldn't have stayed in bed. She had been so restless that it would have driven her crazy but every now and then, especially after moving to England, she found herself staying in bed for no apparent reason. Sometimes it had helped to remain within the comforting confines of her own, intimate space before she felt strong enough to embrace whatever the day had in store for her. Sometimes it felt protective when all of it seemed too overwhelming, when she couldn't bear to face Mulder or even herself. When she couldn't stand being in England, trapped in no-man's-land, without knowing where to go. 

She absentmindedly played with the corner of the pillowcase, quietly gazing into space. She felt the loneliness hovering above her, a taunting demon that teased her whenever she was weak enough to let it. It weighed heavily on her aching shoulders, keeping her from moving at all. With every passing moment she felt herself slipping deeper, down a dark path; loneliness was a dark place, a path with no directions and no end in sight.  
Sometimes she considered it being her own fault, her punishment for being foolish enough to believe that leaving Washington behind would solve any issues they have had. For Scully it felt like she was meant to suffer alone. Being the strong woman she had always been, making it clear that she didn't need to be pitied or taken care of, she told herself that, perhaps, it was okay and that it was simply a matter of time until she found her way back to where she belonged. 

Loneliness was like an open wound, Scully thought and stared at her scraped palm. The scratches would be gone soon but the heavy feeling she carried inside would linger treacherously. She felt heartbroken and disappointed, having suffered from so many setbacks that it threatened to take her breath away from time to time. She had never told anyone about this; loneliness was shame. Who was she to complain, when it seemed like she had everything she needed? It felt strange to tell anyone about it, most of the time she felt herself smiling it away, praying that no one would notice while all she wanted was someone who did just that. 

She wanted to say it, express her feelings but in the end she couldn't. What hurt most was the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. It was something tearing her apart from the inside and she found herself unable to hold it together. She was torn and conflicted; she didn't even know what she wanted or needed any longer. She felt the pressure on her chest but she didn't have the strength to cry so she inhaled deeply, breathing right through it. The one thing, though she had yet to figure out what it meant, that gave her the tiniest spark of hope, were the memories of a stormy night in London. She thought of Stella and her intentions. She had been grateful and deeply touched but a part of her wouldn't understand that one thing: _Why me?_

Scully wondered about that as she couldn't see it herself. Why is it that Stella had been so drawn to her of all people? She could've helped her up and sent her on her way but instead she had invited her in and made sure she would be okay. She had allowed her to stay and she had made no secret out of being attracted to Scully but something told her that Stella had been surprised by her own actions. Scully didn't doubt that Stella knew exactly what she had been doing but Scully had interrogated people long enough to notice a few things. As confident as Stella had appeared, there had been something about last night that had made her unsure about her own actions. It had somehow differed from a familiar routine and Scully wondered what it was. 

She closed her eyes with a sigh, the memory of the kiss still fresh in her sleepy mind. She felt the soft touch of the other woman's lips on her own. It appeared strange at first but not enough to back away. Instead she had found herself responding to the intimacy that she had been craving so desperately. The touch of her lips and the embrace had felt like a gentle caress to her aching soul; a soft blanket to wrap yourself in after a cold and gloomy day. A gentle reminder that there was still something left deep inside of her. A desire to be loved, cherished and appreciated. She felt the warmth inside of her, recalled the feeling that had rushed through her before the uncertainty had taken over. It had been a sigh of relief, the way your body relaxed after aching for too long when the painkillers finally kicked in and she tried to cling to that feeling, to keep it in her mind as fresh as possible. Slowly she rolled on her back, gently stretching her sore leg, and stared at the ceiling. 

In the end this was the only thought that made her summon enough strength to get up and leave the bed. She sat up, feeling the heaviness still. It wasn't even 9am and she felt worn out as if the whole day had passed already. She didn't have to go to the hospital today but she might as well go back to university to prepare her lectures, knowing that there was something else at the back of her mind. 

What were the odds of running into Stella again? 

She had been disabused so many times, had been forced to reconsider her own faith so often that the tiny golden cross, she still carried around her neck, was merely a reminder of what had once been a huge part of her upbringing and her believe. Now it was simply a symbol of comfort, a token of things long-passed, she thought as she considering tempting faith once more. 

Quietly she padded into the kitchen, the sound of her bare feet softly echoing through the empty house. She moved slow and deliberate, trying to shake the demons off and abandon them in the empty bedroom. She saw that Mulder had left a handwritten note on the table but she could not bring herself to read it just yet. She swallowed a few painkillers to silence the dull headache, the sharp pain in her knee and wondered if there was a single part inside of her that wasn't aching in one way or another. When she returned from the bathroom the smell of freshly brewed coffee invaded her senses and a spark of hope blossomed deep inside of her. If there was one thing you couldn't betray, it was the sense of smell. She had always enjoyed the smell of fresh coffee and slightly burned toast early in the morning. It made her feel calm and at ease somehow, bringing back treasured childhood memories. 

She had to get out of the house soon. She needed to get away from this place if only to quiet the demons and keep them from trapping her in the one place she had just freed herself from. She finally took off Stella's sweater and tossed it into the laundry basket, wanting to wash the clothes before returning them. After contemplating what to wear for far too long she grabbed a pair of black slacks if only to cover her wounded knees, not wanting to have to answer questions about the nature of her wounds. She put her hair in a loose ponytail, feeling too worn out to put make up on but decided to do it anyway. It wasn't like her to show up at work without make up on and she needed to feel at least slightly presentable. She applied a bit of make up without giving it much thought. It appeared to be a rather necessary task, not something she enjoyed at this very moment.  
A couple of minutes later she finally closed the front door, stepping into the rather mild September morning. She took a deep breath, her nerves calming just a little. The air smelled sweet with the slightest note of early morning summer rain hanging in the air. She got into the car, giving herself a few seconds to mentally prepare herself for the long drive to London, escaping the claws of her demons that clung to the house, slowly losing its grip on her. Sometimes she wondered how she came up with the strength to leave the house at all, amazed by the resilience that kept her going, until it all fell about her ears eventually. 

She knew that a profound emptiness had always been a part of her. It had taken its roots back in the day when she had been forced to give up her son and she wondered if anything, or anyone, would be able to fill that void one day. She drove away from her demons, from unsatisfied expectations and too many moments she wasn't particularly proud of; from too many glasses of wine that she had shared with loneliness. She had invited it in, embraced it with everything she had instead of banishing it from her life. One way or another she had survived somehow, kept her head above the water and that was all that mattered for now.

***

Stella walked along the pavement towards her front door. It was the exact same path she had taken last night when she saw Dana for the very first time. It had been a busy day at work, something she had been incredibly grateful for as it distracted her mind from wandering to things that she hadn't been able to wrap her head around yet.  
She approached her place, suddenly stopping dead in her track. She looked at the place where she had found Dana, trying to make sense of what had happened since then. Stella bit her lip, frustrated by her sudden inability to deal with it and just move on.

She sighed; she knew it now and she had known it last night. By the time she had allowed herself to give in to her desires she should have known that there would be no easy way back. Stella wasn't someone who believed in fate, trying to remain focused and realistic which was what her job required her to do; it was the one thing that saved lives at the end of the day. 

All throughout the day she hadn't been able to shake off the nagging voice in the back of her head, asking: _What if?_

If she hadn't run into Dana last night she wouldn't be standing in front of her home right now, wondering what to do. She would most likely be at work still, going through paperwork to avoid coming home to an empty house too early in the day. If she hadn't kissed Dana she wouldn't be pondering her actions, she might as well be sitting in a bar to have a drink by herself. There were many what-ifs cursing through her mind at this very moment and she wasn't able to answer a single one.  
Before she had a chance to get lost in thoughts she started walking. Without looking back she walked right past her home, down the street to the university. She knew the way to the small park, knew the streets by heart without paying attention since she had walked them many times before. A couple of minutes later Stella Gibson entered the park, pausing for a moment. She inhaled slowly, taking in the sweet scent of the afternoon. The sky was slightly overcast and students were leaving one by one before it eventually started raining again. 

It didn't take long for her to find what she was looking for or better said, who. Dana Scully was sitting on a bench in the park, lost in thoughts all by herself. Stella approached her and sat down without another word. There was a brief moment of surprise when she realized who sat next to her but neither woman spoke a word for the next couple of minutes. They sat in comforting silence, each one lost in their own thoughts and insecurities, trying to make sense of the situation they now found themselves in. 

"Do you believe in fate?" Stella asked quietly without looking at the woman next to her. The question was one of mere curiosity, matter-of-factly as if she had been asking whether Dana liked sugar in her coffee. She had seen the tiny golden cross that she carried around her neck.

"I want to believe," Dana answered honestly. She wanted to believe in so many things but her faith had been challenged far too many times that she wasn't certain about anything. She liked the thought that everything happened for a reason, it was a soothing one but Dana couldn't believe in any of this; not after everything she had gone through, not after everything she had had to sacrifice. 

"I didn't think I would see you again," Stella said calmly and turned a little. 

"And yet you are here," Scully said quietly, still staring into the distance ahead. All of a sudden she felt stupid for running away, she hadn't thought this through at all. "I didn't mean to run away."

"Why did you leave, Dana?" Stella asked softly. There wasn't the slightest hint of an accusation in her words. Scully shook her head, trying to find an answer that wouldn't sound stupid to her own ears. 

"I don't know," Scully said, staring at her entwined hands, resting in her lap. "I don't know what I want any longer," she admitted. 

There was no reason to lie about it since there was no way out of it either. She had been afraid and insecure from the moment it happened while another part of her had been excited, ready to accept whatever lay ahead. There had been a warning in the back of her head, raising red flags to remind her of that one time she had given in and threw caution to the winds; she still had a reminder of that time on her lower back. 

She was willing to accept what Stella offered her: a refuge, a way to escape the dull routine she now found herself in. It was exciting and everything Scully hadn't been all her life but it scared her all the same. She couldn't bear another disappointment, couldn't deal with being hurt and used any longer which is why she had been cautious; a flight-or-fight response and she still wasn't certain which one she was heading for. 

"That makes two of us," Stella said with a sigh and Scully finally looked at her, the tension easing off a little. 

"You seemed so sure," Scully said. "You knew what you wanted," her apparent determination had been a strong contrast to her indecisiveness. 

"I wish that was true," Stella answered. 

She liked to be in control of her actions and thoughts, calculating her every movement to avoid complications but that didn't mean it always worked out the way she wanted it to. 

"But I wouldn't change one bit," Stella admitted, drawing a soft laugh from Scully. For the first time she looked at the woman next to her, the beautiful woman who had brought her so much pleasure earlier. 

_No,_ Stella thought. 

She wouldn't change one bit. She noticed that the smile didn't reach her eyes; she looked exhausted and sad. Dana glanced at her, looking for answers but what she found wasn't so different from the questions that tantalized her. It then struck her that, despite everything she had estimated before, this might be just as confusing for Stella; she was simply better at disguising it. 

She couldn't find the right words at this moment and maybe words weren't what they needed. Sometimes actions spoke louder than words so she reached out slowly, placing a hand on top of Stella's. She watched her from the corner of her eye, wondering if she had pushed it too far. For an instant Stella seemed unsure of the gentle physical contact, held her breath and then relaxed slowly. Much like herself Scully could tell that Stella wasn't too keen on public displays of affection so she decided that this was as far as she would go. A wave of relief washed over her when Stella turned her hand a bit, intertwining their fingers. She stared at their hands the same way she used to look at evidence when she tried to figure out what they meant, how they fit into the puzzle but for now she came up empty-handed.

She looked at Stella Gibson, trying to resist the sudden urge to lean in and place a soft kiss on her lips and smiled. She had spent years jumping from one mystery to the other, head-first into the unknown so why run now?

"It looks like it's going to rain soon," Stella said with a look at the sky. "Will you join me for dinner, Dana?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Scully said playfully. 

„Yes, I am," Stella said and rose from the bench. "There's a lovely place not far from here."

"I would love to," Scully said and allowed Stella to help her up, she hadn't let go of her hand just yet. The redhead smiled at their height difference that only became obvious now. Having opted for flats this morning she was a little bit smaller than Stella. It was a rare sight for Stella to find someone even tinier than her and she was mildly amused by it. She let go off Dana's hand and touched her cheek softly. It took everything she had not to lean in and kiss her but maybe now wasn't the time. They were treading on thin ice, unfamiliar territory and she wasn't ready to let it break just yet. 

They walked in content silence as Stella led the way out of the park, wondering where it would lead them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _A/N: If you ever felt the way Scully did, please don't let it torture you like this. It is not a shame and it is not your fault. To say it with Gillian's words: "You are a good and kind person. You do not need to please everyone. You do enough and you are enough."_  
>  I know it may be hard but try not to let it beat you. Take care.


	3. O Mistress Mine Where Are You Roaming?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _A/N: Scully's flashback is from the episode 4x13 "Never Again". Stella's flashback is from The Fall series finale "Their Solitary Way" although it differs slightly. The actual attack will be addressed later on in a different context._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s17.postimg.cc/k8z1vt74f/Iam_Scully_Banner.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s17.postimg.cc/k8z1vt74f/Iam_Scully_Banner.jpg)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I just like to say that I love Mulder and Scully with all my heart. I adore them and their relationship, as bittersweet and wonderful as it may be. I still believe, with all my heart, that their love story is not only the most beautiful but also the saddest one I have ever seen. I love them with all my heart but this has been on my mind forever and I needed to write this down. Please be aware that this is, first and foremost, a story about Dana and Stella._

_O Mistress mine where are you roaming?_  
_O stay and hear, your true love's coming,_  
       _That can sing both high and low._  
_Trip no further pretty sweeting._  
_Journeys end in lovers' meeting,_  
       _Every wise man's son doth know._

_What is love, 'tis not hereafter,_  
_Present mirth, hath present laughter:_  
       _What's to come, is still unsure._  
_In delay there lies no plenty,_  
_Then come kiss me sweet and twenty:_  
       _Youth's a stuff will not endure._

_[Song: "O Mistress Mine Where Are You Roaming?" (Twelfth Night) -  
William Shakespeare]_

***

_Her body was trembling with fear and excitement; every fiber of her body alert in anticipation of what was to come. Her heart was hammering inside her chest, making her slightly dizzy for an instant. She felt the alcohol rushing through her veins, lifting her spirits. A bland smile crept on her lips, she was excited by the mischief she was about to do. The always reasonable Dana Scully found herself rushing into this without giving it a second thought. She was excited and scared but also strangely aroused by the whole ordeal. She remembered those times when she secretly snuck out of the house to smoke her parents cigarettes, when she stayed out late on purpose to test her limits; when she did all these things to shake off the image they all had of her._  
Ever since then she had been adamant on doing the reasonable thing, the right thing. Now she was sitting in a tattoo parlor in the dead of the night with a man she didn't know. She felt the blood rush in her ears, her pupils were dilated and her fingers trembling when she gripped the backrest of the chair. He was watching her, just as excited. She had let him talk her into this in an instant and she hadn't hesitated once. She wanted this, she needed the little act of rebellion. She took a deep breath, gasping slightly when she felt the cool disinfectant on the bare skin of her lower back.  
Dana tilted her head back with closed eyes, reminding herself that she was not with him but with Stella. After leaving the park they had ended up walking to a nice Indian restaurant not far from Stella’s place though she had absolutely no recollection of how she got here.

She felt light-headed and eerily relaxed; she was drunk and she didn't mind at all. She sat on the sofa, for the second night this week, having kicked off her shoes while Stella walked into the kitchen to get some more wine. She ignored that quiet voice in the back of her mind, urging her to stay away from the alcohol and a quiet laugh escaped her lips.  
It didn't happen often that she threw cautions to the wind, that she ignored her own morals and standards or whatever everyone expected and asked of her. She felt overwhelmed and exhausted, not wanting to please everyone any longer. It was wearing her out and she had to break free before she suffocated. This is how she had ended up with Ed Jerse that one night, the night of which she still carried a reminder inked into the skin of her lower back. Scully leaned back with a content sigh, her head swimming a little but she didn't care. He had tempted her just like Stella did now and she couldn't care less, she needed this.

_She closed her eyes, inhaling sharply. She listened to the sounds in the room, the preparation of instruments she couldn't see. She felt a thrill rushing through her body; her eyes found Ed's who looked at her with a dangerous smile. She felt the world spinning around her, excited for what was to come._

She watched Stella return from the kitchen with two glasses of wine in her hands but she didn't move an inch. She wanted to return to that night; wanted to remember how it had made her feel. She took the glass from Stella with a soft smile and leaned back again. She briefly asked herself whether Stella was as drunk as she was and thought that the blonde might simply be a bit more composed.

_She waited and waited and it suddenly seemed endless until she heard the soft buzz of the needle somewhere behind her. She didn't know what to expect but she wouldn't back down now. She gripped the backrest tighter and smiled at Ed, waiting for the first surge of pain to rush through her body. She gasped softly through parted lips when the needle pierced her skin for the first time, closing her eyes to breathe through the unexpected sharp pain._  
She tensed while she tried to fight the intrusion, her body slowly releasing adrenaline. She took a few shaky breaths, trying to focus on the source of her pain. She felt the needle piercing her skin, painting a picture that would remain under her skin for the rest of her life. She fought the initial fight-or-flight response, slowly leaning into the pain as her body released endorphins, turning the pain into something a little more pleasant.  
She inhaled deeply, feeling her body relax and goosebumps covering her skin. Scully bit her lip, feeling slightly flushed and strangely aroused as she kept her mind focused on the pain. It was intense but relaxing at the same time. 

Scully remembered that feeling oh-so well, reminded herself of the fact that an orgasm released the same kind of hormones; the same kind of pleasant afterglow that lulled you to serenity. She sighed contently, still hearing the soft buzz of the needle in the back of her mind. She felt it on her back, stinging just a little where the tattoo was inked into her skin. She had briefly considered getting a new one just for the sake of it, she wanted that thrill and the feeling. From the corner of her eye she saw Stella watching her quietly while she sipped her wine. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils dilated just like Scully’s; she was intrigued and wondering what was going on inside her head. 

"Do you have a tattoo, Stella?" Scully asked quietly and turned her head to look at Stella through partly hooded eyes. If she was surprised by the question she didn't show it but took her sweet time answering the question. Her gaze, those icy blue eyes, focused on Scully who held it effortlessly. The alcohol had made her braver, bolder and she wouldn't back down. 

"No, I don't," Stella said calmly and put her glass on the small coffee table.  
"I still remember it," Scully said in a low voice. "That night," she said and sipped her wine; Stella watched her, trying to remain calm and relaxed. 

She was drunk more so than she had been in years and it cost a lot of strength to keep up her composure for now. She felt light-headed and relaxed but it also terrified her a little. She wasn't used to losing control and letting go, not while being so drunk. What calmed her a little was the fact that she was safely within her own four walls and not in some bar with someone she had just met. She was with Dana, something she hadn't even considered possible when she opened her eyes this morning. She didn't know her but being in her presence seemed to calm her as much as it unsettled her for reasons she had yet to comprehend. It confused her but it intrigued her at the same time and it turned her on more than anyone else ever had. She wanted this woman, wanted to be with her; it took everything she had not to walk over there and rip off her clothes. She had fought the urge to fuck her against the wall of her hallway before they even had a chance to take their coats off earlier. She didn't want to scare her off, push her over the edge too fast although a small voice in the back of her head told her that she underestimated her a little, thinking that she might not be quite as innocent as she appeared to be. Dana Scully was a woman of many mysteries and Stella wanted to uncover every single one, slowly taking off layer by layer if that's what it took. 

She watched Dana quietly, never taking her eyes away. If she wasn't mistaken Dana was not just drunk but also pretty turned on by whatever memory rushed through her mind at this very moment and she was about to share it. 

"I was in a bar," she said and closed her eyes, returning to that dark place once more. "I was pissed at Mulder so I went out on my own, trying to solve that damn case. I didn't want to be there at first," she spoke calmly and quietly and Stella made a mental note of that name. He must have been her partner at the FBI back in the day. 

"I needed to do something to break away from him," she said calmly, almost whispering. "Something not everyone expected me to do. I was sick of them and their predestined imagine they had of the always reasonable Dana Scully," she said almost bitterly. "I met a man in a bar that night," she said and turned her head to look at Stella. 

"What happened?" she asked calmly, her body alert in anticipation. 

"That night I ended up getting a tattoo," Dana said and leaned her head back, suddenly laughing at the whole thing. 

It seemed careless and most certainly alcohol induced. She never lost Stella out of sight; she almost raised an eyebrow at the woman in front of her, biting her lip. 

"I sat in this dark place in the middle of the night. I was drunk and my entire body was trembling," she said with a mischievous grin on her lips. "I was terrified," she admitted. 

"Why did you do it?" Stella asked and rose from her seat, sitting down next to Dana. 

"He made me think it would be a good idea," Scully said and sat up to face Stella. "He was charming and very convincing."

Stella had heard this so many times before and never had that story ended well. The only thing that soothed her a bit was the fact that Scully was still in one piece, telling her this story. 

"I was terrified and excited," Scully said in a low voice. "My whole body tensed as I waited for the needle to pierce my skin. I remember the pain, the first time it broke the skin. It made me gasp in shock; made me want to run away," Scully said. "But I didn't."

"Why endure the pain?" Stella asked though years and years ago she had sought refuge in something similar. She had caused herself pain for a few minutes of release, for an escape. Deep inside she understood where that desire came from. 

"Pain can be quite pleasurable," Scully said almost whispering and her eyes wandered to Stella's lips, fighting the urge to kiss her. "Your body releases all sorts of hormones, making it not too bad when you focus on it," Scully said and closed her eyes.  
"All of a sudden it was exciting and thrilling and it turned me on a little," she admitted. "It was painful but rather pleasurable, it is an addictive feeling," she said and, even without having studied medicine, Stella was pretty sure that there were other ways to get that kind of reaction from your body.  
She looked at Dana, who didn't look away this time; she felt her fingertips tingle with excitement, a faint flutter in her stomach when her eyes fell on the lips she had kissed just last night. 

"Show me," Stella said in a low voice, surprised by the emotion in it. 

Without hesitating for a second Dana rose from her place and stood between Stella's slightly parted legs. She looked down at the blonde, feeling adventurous all of a sudden. There was no doubt that Stella was just as drunk and aroused by this. She didn't ask where it was or what it was, in fact, she didn't ask at all. She demanded to see it, knowing that Dana was in no position to refuse. Scully never took her eyes off Stella when her fingers slowly moved to the top button of her blouse. She could turn around and lift the fabric but where would the fun in that be? 

She watched Stella, getting excited while she wondered where it would be. There was something incredibly sexy about the image in front of her and she felt a soft tingle in her lower belly, going straight to her core where it teased all the right nerves. She watched mesmerized as Dana opened her blouse button for button at an agonizingly slow pace, revealing a pretty dark lacy bra that framed her boobs perfectly. 

Stella's gaze wandered from her breasts to her flat stomach; the blouse was open but there was no tattoo in sight. Stella thought that it must be somewhere on her back, an appreciative smile crossing on her lips when she noticed what she had been doing. She rose from her place and Scully didn't back away an inch. For a second she felt her boobs touch Stella's through the fabric of her own shirt. Stella took Scully's wrists and stopped her before she proceeded with her slow actions. 

"Turn around," Stella breathed against her lips and a shiver ran through her body; her eyes shutting with a flutter. She did as she was told, slowly turning without stepping away from the woman in front of her. She wondered whether Dana had any idea of how crazy she was driving her at this moment. 

She hadn't missed the slight tremor in Stella's voice, her fingers were shaking when she reached for her wrists. A smiled crossed her lips as the warmth slowly spread in her lower belly. Stella reached for the collar of her blouse and pulled the fabric from her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor when it glided off Scully's arms. Her fingers gently brushed over the exposed skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake.  
Scully bowed her head with a sigh as Stella's hand traced the outlines of her spine until she reached the lower back. That's when she saw it; there was a snake on her lower back. A circle, closed by the snake biting its own tail.

An Ouroboros, Stella thought.

Her left hand moved to the ink on Scully's body, slowly tracing the outlines with her fingers. Scully inhaled deeply, straightening her back. She leaned back against Stella, both hands resting on the exposed skin of her hips. 

She sensed Stella's hot breath on the soft skin of her neck, a shiver running down her spine when Stella placed a soft kiss between her shoulder blades. Scully felt her body responding quite pleasantly, a sticky wetness slowly spreading between her legs.  
She was torn between wanting this and wanting to run away again. It seemed irrational but as much as Scully wanted this there was a tiny part that was insecure because she didn't want to ruin it somehow; Stella wanted her but she didn't want to drive her away.  
Scully raised her head and turned around in Stella's arms. Her lips were only inches away from Stella's when she spoke in a low voice and this time it was Stella who was thrown lightly off balance by the feeling. 

"Do you like it?" Scully whispered against her lips, leaning in close enough to brush against Stella's for an instant. She drew back before Stella had a chance to capture her lips and smiled. 

She picked up her blouse from the floor and put it on; turning away from Stella's eyes she smiled to herself. It seemed that she wasn't the only one who was thrown off by this. She still didn't know what she wanted but Scully knew she didn't want it to end. 

She didn't button up her blouse and turned around to face Stella, who immediately pulled her close and had a rather steady grip on her partially dressed body; one hand on her neck to keep her close. 

"Do you think this is funny?" Stella whispered, trying to sound serious but the alcohol and the obvious arousal weakened that question a little. 

"I really don't know what you're talking about," Scully answered as innocent as possible, feeling her nipples harden against the soft fabric of her bra and she briefly wondered what it felt like to be this close to Stella without any clothes between them. 

"You asked for it," she said and let go off Stella to reach for her glass of wine and emptied it. 

Stella knew that she hadn't just revealed the tattoo, she had done a lot more than that. She had opened up about something that she wouldn't share with anyone and Stella knew better than to take advantage of that. If Dana wanted to play then that's what they would do. With anyone else Stella would be frustrated and bored already, moving on to someone else but Dana just sparked her interest a little more with each passing moment. 

"What did your partner say?" Stella asked and slowly approached the redhead. 

She ignored the longing, the throbbing between her legs and moved past Scully. She opened a drawer, picking up pieces of dark chocolate from a box. It was her guilty pleasure, the one thing she always granted herself whenever she felt like it. Scully sat down and thought about his reaction and shrugged after a moment of silent consideration.

"I honestly don't remember," she said with a laugh. "He was probably surprised and shocked because he hadn't expected me to do such a thing back then. Now I am not quite sure about that any longer..." Scully said and lost track mid-sentence; she didn't even remember the last time he might have seen it.

"You don't want to talk about him," Stella said more to herself and decided to distract Scully from her current train of thoughts. She walked behind the armchair, Dana was sitting on, and stood behind her. Scully tilted her head back and looked up at the blonde Superintendent.

"Want some chocolate?" Stella asked in a low voice, leaning forward a bit so that her blonde curls fell over her shoulders, curtaining her face.

"Yes," Scully said, knowing that she wouldn't simply be handed a piece of chocolate.

"Close your eyes," Stella said and Scully did, waiting in anticipation. She parted her lips a little, her breath quickening while she waited and wondered what would happen next. Stella took a moment to appreciate the beautiful display in front of her. 

Dana had closed her eyes, her head tilted back. Her lips were slightly parted while she waited eagerly. Her hands gripped the armrest of the chair, her chest and her exposed breasts heaving under her irregular breaths. Stella watched her with quiet adoration before she bent down slowly, a piece of chocolate between her teeth. Scully sensed her presence above her, her tresses tickling her face when she leaned in closer. Not for a second did Scully fear that it might be something harmful so she kept her eyes closed, waiting expectantly. The scent of Stella's perfume filled her nostrils as she bent down and Scully felt her breath on her lips.  
Stella hovered above her, hesitating before she closed the distance between them. Scully's body tensed a little expecting the soft warmth of Stella's lips but there was something else she couldn't quite place yet. Scully raised an arm, wanting to pull Stella closer but she stopped her; she put both her hands on Scully's, keeping them in place without a word. 

Dana arched her back a little, trying to seal her lips with Stella's; she found herself squirming a little. Now that she couldn't move, her tongue darted out slowly and found something hard and cold. She tried again, finally tasting the chocolate Stella had promised. A smile crossed her lips and Stella finally closed the distance between them. 

The dark chocolate softly melted between their tongues, a soft moan escaping the back of her throat, going straight her core. Before she had a chance to get lost in the kiss Stella broke it off and walked away. 

"Hey," Scully said softly, knowing that it was her idea of payback for teasing her earlier. 

"Do you want more?" Stella asked and looked over her shoulder. "Come and get it," she said quietly and walked to the bedroom. 

Scully took a deep breath, her heart hammering against her chest. She rose from the chair, her knees screaming in quiet protest, before she could change her mind. She felt her head swimming a little, trying to focus as she walked ahead. She probably had more than enough alcohol for one night and the temptation Stella offered didn't do anything to clear her head. She grabbed her glass and the bottle of wine before she slowly entered Stella's bedroom. 

Stella sat on the edge of her bed, lost in thoughts for a moment. She still tasted the chocolate on her tongue. She also tasted the wine, and Dana. She looked down on her knees, wondering what she was doing. With anyone else this would've been over hours ago. She didn't want this to end but moving any further meant no going back either. Before Stella had a chance to get lost in doubts she heard footsteps. She looked up and saw that Dana was approaching; a smile crossed her lips and she felt the warmth return, an uncertain desire cursing through her veins. Dana Scully walked into the bedroom, her blouse still hanging open. Her eyes fell on the beautiful dark red lace bra that framed Dana’s breasts so perfectly. Her ponytail wasn't as neat as it had been hours ago, her lipstick was a bit smudged and she was carrying a wine glass in one hand and the bottle in the other and Stella was certain she had never seen a more adorable thing. Scully put the bottle and the glass on the bedside table and walked to Stella, standing in front of her. Stella followed her every step with her eyes, looking up at her with wonder and raw desire in her eyes. 

Scully looked at the woman in front of her, wondering what to do. She hadn't thought this through, hadn't even considered it remotely possible that anything like this would happen. Just a couple of hours ago she had been in her office, thinking about everything that was going wrong in her life. She had run into Stella at a moment that couldn't have been more perfect although she had absolutely no idea where this would lead them or what she wanted. She was confused, drunk and needy; looking for a way to escape her lonely everyday life and now she was in a stranger's bedroom only a few hours later. 

She was drunk and partially undressed; she was everything she always thought she wouldn't be but she was in London and no one knew where exactly. She was safely hidden within Stella's home. There was no one around to judge her or tell her what to do. Right now she could do whatever the fuck she wanted and she couldn't care less about the rest of the world. She reached out to Stella and this time it was hers to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear, her hand touching her cheek. She could tell that Stella was a little thrown off by the sudden intimacy but she didn't back down and Scully realized that she wanted it more than anything, she just couldn't show it. 

Scully stepped closer and settled on Stella's lap, her knees hurt when she bent them but she put them on either side of Stella anyway. The alcohol did little to numb the pain but she wouldn't stop now. She cupped her face with both hands, lifting her face a little to look into her eyes. Stella looked unsure for a moment but Scully noticed that there was something else; something she knew too well. She felt something stir inside of her, wondering what had caused this woman so much pain. She hid it well but Scully knew what it looked like, the pain that she kept hidden within herself. She leaned forward a little, pushing Stella back on the bed. She let herself fall and for a split second Scully hovered above her. She felt Stella's body move under her own, softly pushing her into the mattress. 

Stella looked up at the woman above her and all of a sudden it felt like everything moved at turtle speed. She wondered whether it was simply the alcohol cursing through her system or whether this was what it felt like when you allowed yourself to let go and live in the moment.  
She knew that this was not what Dana usually did and a part of her was surprised when she realized that she had underestimated Special Agent Dana Scully. She wasn't used to letting someone play with her like that, to take control but she didn't feel threatened in the slightest. She was transfixed, mesmerized for a moment because this was the exact image that had brought her so much pleasure, when she opened her eyes in this very spot, this morning. 

She wanted to kiss Dana, to run her fingers along the bare skin of her stomach but she was ready to wait if she had to. Scully looked at the woman beneath her, suddenly startled by what she saw. Her eyes found Stella's and there was so much of herself in them that it touched her deep inside, stopped her from whatever she had in mind next. She moved away from Stella and laid down on the bed beside her.  
Scully looked at the ceiling, feeling slightly exposed all of a sudden. It dawned on her that Stella was probably just as lonely as she was. In the few hours she had known her she had revealed almost nothing about herself, revealing bits here and there to satisfy Scully's curiosity while she had asked question after question, elegantly ignoring those that Dana herself had asked. She thought that Stella might not be used to this, to the intimacy and the close physical contact and that all of this was just as new to her. 

Scully inhaled deeply, feeling a sudden disillusion spread its blanket over her exposed and slightly chilled body. It grounded her, bursted the bubble, she had protected herself in, from the moment she stepped into Stella's home. 

"What are we doing?" Scully asked quietly without looking at the woman next to; her voice was quiet and somber. 

"I don't know," Stella answered honestly and turned on her side to look at Dana. "I don't know what I'm doing," she said quietly and more to herself.

***

_Stella unlocked her front door, bags in her hand; the few things that she had brought back from Belfast. It wasn't much but it had been all she needed. She stepped on the doormat, picking up the mail that had been delivered while she was gone. The important stuff had been forwarded to Belfast or she had checked it online so there wasn't much, not like she would take care of it tonight but still. She stepped into the empty, dark house and took a deep breath. She felt an incredible sadness spread inside of her; it hit her out of nowhere. For three months she had been the tough detective; the man-eating seductress who didn't seem to give a fuck, or so they thought._

_She wasn't cold-hearted and ignorant but she hadn't been keen on correcting them. It wasn't any of their business, they didn't need to know about her personal life. By the time the whole thing had taken a turn for the worse all eyes had been on her. She knew she had screwed it up somehow but it wasn't her fault alone but as the one in charge she was the one to take the blame and she did it with her head held high no matter how much strength it had cost._

_Stella stepped into the living room, looking around. She was grateful for the comforting silence, to escape impersonal hotel rooms and people who rummaged through her personal things. She now felt safe, far away from the scene of events, wishing that there was someone and she didn't have to come home to an empty house. Stella didn't know where that came from. She had always been happy with everything she had, had appreciated her freedom but she felt lonely all of a sudden. Maybe it was the exhaustion that caught up with her after all. She kicked off her shoes, shed her coat and walked to the kitchen, where her flowers had long since died. They had been left abandoned and alone, dried and died as they had been neglected and Stella wondered if that was what she had done to herself._

_She reached for the bottle of red wine, that she had left on the counter before she left for Belfast, and poured herself a glass. She had given in to her desires, lost herself in the case that she had forgotten about herself after a while. She had been careless and blinded by so many things. She sat on the chair and played with the stem of the glass without touching the wine. She stared at the dark red liquid swirling in the glass. Stella tried to take a deep breath, feeling the pain inside her chest. Her head was throbbing from exhaustion and physical abuse as the pain medication slowly wore off. She had been disappointed and angry at herself for everything that had gone wrong, she had been accused of making mistakes but the worst thing happened when she expected it the least. She hadn't expected any of this at all, had been so sure of herself and then it took a turn for the worse. She had been hurt when Spector had tried to make a run after the interrogation._  
_She had been taken to the hospital afterwards, any kind of resistance on her part had been ignored, so she ended up spending the night and she hadn't understood what the fuzz had been about. Stella took a deep breath and sipped her wine. She had been lonely, more so than ever, when no one had bothered to come and check on her. She hadn't expected them to do so but she had also been hurt and disappointed when they didn't. She hadn't been more than a stranger from the outside, trying to take care of things. She hadn't been one of them._

_Stella felt the exhaustion wash over her; all sorts of emotions, that she had kept bottled up. It threatened to drown her all at once and now that she was at home she didn't really care any longer. She had been hurt and wounded in so many ways and only now did she feel ready to admit it and allow it to get to her. Her vision blurred in front of her eyes as the tears slowly spilled from her eyes, running down her cheeks. She stared straight ahead, feeling something crack inside of her. She sat in her kitchen, all by herself after being gone for three months and no one who seemed to care; it appeared that no one had even noticed that she was gone. At the end of the day there was nothing but the sound of her heartbreaking sobs echoing through her empty home._

***

For a moment Stella felt her eyes well up with tears and blinked them away, refusing to let the loneliness seize her now.

"I came here with Mulder," Scully said all of a sudden. She kept her gaze on the ceiling, not trusting herself to look at anyone at this moment. Stella leaned her head on her hand, watching Dana from the side. It took her a second to realize that she was referring to the question she had asked in her kitchen last night and it was the same name she had mentioned earlier when she spoke of getting that tattoo.  
"He asked me to come with him and I did. I thought… I thought it would change something," she said and almost laughed at how pathetic it sounded. 

"He is more than just your partner," Stella stated. 

"He is, he was," Scully said, not knowing which one it was now. "I've known him half of my life. He was the one thing I could always rely on," she said calmly; there was a profound sadness that settled deep within her. Half of her life sounded scary and she wondered what had happened since then. She had been so focussed on him that she had lost track of everything around her for so long. Stella didn't miss the fact that she used the past when referring to this but she didn't consider herself to be in a position to pry. 

"What about you?" Scully asked softly and Stella thought about that. 

_What about me?_ She wondered. 

It dawned on her that she didn't know what to say; there was nothing in her life that she considered worth sharing and it made her tremendously sad. 

"There's nothing to say," she admitted quietly and Scully turned on her side to face Stella. 

"I don't believe it," Scully said. "I believe there is so much more than this," she whispered and tried to assure her as much as herself. 

She had to believe that there would be more than this, more than anything she had before. Scully ignored the sadness and the insecurities, having waited long enough to do this. Slowly she approached her, closing the distance between their bodies; Stella laid back and waited.  
She knew what was about to happen, she saw it in her eyes and Dana moved slowly, quietly asking for permission. She looked into Stella's blue eyes, mirroring her own, and closed the distance between them. She captured Stella's soft lips with her own, lingering for a few moments. She wanted to memorize this and never let go of that moment. She cupped Stella's face with both hands, parting her lips a little to deepen the kiss.

She moaned softly into her mouth, melting into the kiss. Stella laid her arms around Dana, pulling her on top. She embraced the feeling of Dana's weight softly pushing her onto the bed. She felt the warmth of her skin, craving the physical contact. She wanted to run her hands along her body, feel her skin on skin. Her hands slowly travelled up and down her back. Scully broke the kiss and sat back to take off her blouse; she looked at Stella beneath her and wondered how far she wanted to go. She reached out to unbutton Stella's shirt and Stella didn't miss the fact that her fingers were trembling. A soft laugh escaped her lips and Stella put her hands on Scully's, guiding them on both sides of her face before she bend her knee and turned them around.  
"I'll help you with that," Stella whispered into her ear, placing a soft kiss behind it. 

Slowly, Stella took off her shirt without ever taking her eyes off Dana. She tossed it aside and reached for her hands, entwining their fingers. She hovered above Scully, her breasts touching Dana's. Stella looked into her eyes before she captured Dana's lips and all of a sudden she felt something change inside of her. Only hours ago she had considered fucking her in the hallway and now that they were moving towards that she realized that didn't want to, not tonight anyway. She didn't remember the last time she had allowed anyone to touch her like that, to breach the protective walls she had set up around herself and it didn't feel too bad. Maybe it was simply the exhaustion and the alcohol in her system that brought the sudden sereneness but she didn't want to ruin it, didn't want to let go. 

Scully noticed that something had changed, something had slowed them down but it didn't feel awkward. She felt Stella slowly lower her body on top of Scully's, her cheek resting just above her heart. Dana held on to her hands and closed her eyes. She relished in the mesmerizing feeling of Stella's body against her own, their hands still entwined. Stella listened to the soft and steady drum of Dana's heart, allowing it to soothe her.  
She inhaled deeply and looked at their hands, feeling utterly touched. She remembered all the times she had wanted someone to be so close to her, to hold her without asking for more; to make her feel safe but she had never been brave enough. It had scared her to let anyone this close, she couldn't trust them because she had been afraid to get hurt but it didn't feel so bad at all. 

She felt her body react in the most pleasant way and decided to push her doubts aside and finally let go for the night as the soft rhythm of Dana's heart lulled her to sleep.

It was still dark the next time Dana opened her eyes. She felt a slight chill when the cool morning air touched her skin, still warm with sleep. She wasn't naked but she wasn't quite dressed either so she quietly set off to fetch her clothes, trying to ignore the throbbing headache and reminded herself to have a bit of water before she left. It was still early but she had to be at the hospital today and couldn't stay. She wasn't sure whether that was what Stella wanted anyway, she didn't strike her as the woman who allowed her flings to stay for the night. It didn't take long for her to get dressed and before she left she went back to the bedroom where Stella was still sleeping soundly. 

Scully looked at her; she was on her side, sleeping so peacefully. Stella looked so serene and calm and Scully tried to refrain from placing a kiss on her lips before she left, not wanting to wake her. She reached behind Stella and put the blanket over her sleeping form so she wouldn't be cold and left a note on the bedside table.

***

It was 6.30am when Stella was woken by her alarm clock, quietly wincing at the headache when she reached out to silence it. She turned around and noticed that the other side of the bed was empty. A part of her knew that this would happen, she had already expected it but there was still a sight trace of disappointment when the bed was empty. She laid back and closed her eyes for five more minutes, recalling bits and pieces of the previous night. She didn't even remember a time when she had allowed someone to spend the night and simply made out without sleeping with them but something told her that she would grant Dana Scully just about anything.

She turned on her side and spotted the note that Dana had left for her and a smile appeared on her face. 

_Sorry, I couldn't stay. Had to go to the hospital. Call me? D._

Stella read the note twice. Dana had left her phone number and Stella knew she would see her again sooner or later because she couldn't get her out of her head.


	4. Come To Me In My Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/26FmQGkV9wjPWtve8/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/26FmQGkV9wjPWtve8/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: It's almost easter and I thought I'll be nice and put the chapter out early since it's finished. Thank you for all your nice words. Enjoy. The flashback was from 5x05 - "Post-Modern Prometheus"_

_Come to me in my dreams, and then_  
By day I shall be well again.  
For so the night will more than pay  
The hopelessness longing of the day. 

_Come, as though thou cam'st a thousand times,_  
A messenger from radiant climes,  
And smile on thy new world, and be  
As kind to others as to me! 

_Or, as thy never cam'st in sooth,_  
Come now, and let me dream it truth,  
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,  
And say, My love why suffers though? 

_Come to me in my dreams, and then_  
By day I shall be well again!  
For so the night will more than pay  
The hopelessness longing of the day. 

_[Matthew Arnold]_

***

_She opened her eyes, trying to figure out where she was when panic rushed through her body. She was still drowsy with sleep and her mind had trouble catching up with what was happening around her. She was terrified, trying to see but everything around her was dark._

_Scully tried to move, tried to get up to protect herself from whatever was haunting her at that moment but she couldn't move. She tried to raise her arms or lift her body off the bed but it was too heavy. The pleasant and soft weight of Stella's body had been replaced by something heavy, something that was crushing her. She tried to move but nothing happened and she felt the tears flood her eyes as she panicked. From the corner of her eye she saw that the other side of the bed was empty, she was alone; lonely and all by herself. She was stranded and lost._

_Scully opened her mouth as the tears streamed down the sides of her face, her body was covered in a fine layer of sweat, her breath raging. She tried to scream for help._

_Where is Mulder?_

_She needed him, she needed him to free her but he wasn't here and she was all by herself. She screamed and screamed but nothing happened, the room remained silent; her voice was stuck in her throat. She felt hoarse and exhausted. In her mind she heard herself, heard her desperate cries and pleas but no one else did.  
She tried to turn around, fight against the force that was pushing her down onto the bed, trying to shake it off. She was willing her body to wake up and fight but it seemed hopeless. She tried to move her head, just a little to glance into the darkness that was surrounding her and what she saw made her gasp in shock._

No, _she whispered quietly while the tears streamed down her face._

No, no, no. 

_It only took seconds to feel it; it was cold and terrifying. It touched her fingertips and her toes, slowly torturing her with what was to come. Her eyes widened in horror and she screamed her lungs out, trying to escape. There was water all around her. It flooded the room and slowly reached the bed, threatening to spill over. It only took seconds until it drenched her clothes with a merciless cold. Scully was terrified and scared, desperately crying as she found herself slowly surrendering to her impending destiny._

_She knew what would happen. She heard her own voice inside her head, repeating the words she didn't want to hear but it seemed strangely calming at the same time. Drowning was a process resulting in primary respiratory impairment. She knew that, the moment her body was entirely submerged, she would hold her breath but only until her body craved the desperately needed oxygen. Holding your breath was a conscious act and the desire to breathe increased in intensity. She knew the desire would be triggered by the carbon dioxide levels that were accumulating in her blood. At some point the desire would become irresistible and she would take a breath._

_The water would pass into her airway and her lungs. She knew that the water would cause her to cough as her body wanted to get rid of the unwanted intruder. It was terrifying because she knew exactly what would happen; she heard her own voice inside her head, repeating the grim truth in a neutral and understanding voice.  
It was the same voice she used when she told relatives that one of their family members didn't make it through surgery. It was quite likely that she developed a laryngospasm where her vocal cords spasmed involuntarily. It probably wouldn't last long since the lack of oxygen would break it after a while, causing her to lose consciousness. Eventually her heart would start to struggle, ceasing to effectively pump blood through her body until it stopped._

_She was cold, feeling the cold water surrounding her motionless body. It was everywhere and there was no way to escape it. She felt the water on her face and closed her eyes, taking on last deep breath before everything went dark._

***

"Scully, wake up," he said softly, trying to wake her from the nightmare. She felt his hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her awake. Her senses slowly came to life; she took a deep breath and filled her lungs with air, breathing through the tears. She took in her surroundings; she was at home, she was in bed and Mulder was beside her. Her shirt was drenched in sweat, sticking to her trembling body.

She was shaking and crying, feeling all over the place. She felt chilled and exhausted, emotionally drained from the terrifying nightmare. She smelled the sweat; the scent of the sweet sweat, felt her shirt stick to her like a second skin. She felt disgusted, wanted to take it off but she couldn't move. 

"Come here," Mulder said softly and she didn't have the strength and the heart to refuse it. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close; it felt soothing, calming and familiar and she immediately felt herself calm down a little. She leaned into him with closed eyes, taking another deep breath to inhale his familiar scent. She felt the pressure on her chest return but it had a different origin this time. She suddenly remembered all those nights she had spent wrapped up in his arms, all the times he had comforted and soothed her and tended to her deepest desires and the longing feeling of being held, loved and cherished. It had been everything she thought she needed and back then it had been perfect but it made her sad now that she realized that this was nothing but a memory that belonged to a past-life. 

His love had been everything but after years and years of troubles, trials and ancient demons, she hadn't been enough. She hadn't been worth fighting for and she hadn't been strong enough to keep them together and fight for both of them. She had wanted him more than anything in her life, would have given her life for him but now it dawned on her that this was gone and it left her feeling empty and helpless somehow. Scully fought the urge to get out of the embrace, as soothing as it seemed at that moment, there was a part of her that couldn't bear it.   
It was simply a reminder of what had once been, of things that could have been if it had worked out but life had been cruel and life was hardly fair and maybe it was time to accept the truth. Things had been broken, demolished beyond repair and no matter how hard they tried to piece it back together it would always remain fractured. For years she had nothing to hope for, no one else she wanted but all of a sudden things seemed different. 

It felt like she finally had the strength to let go of these old habits, to leave the past in the past and reach out to something new. Running into Stella had changed something inside of her. It seemed so unexpected, had happened so fast that it scared her but it was a spark of hope all the same. She was terrified of what was to come, terrified that she would end up heartbroken one day but she also knew that she would never know if she didn't give it a try. 

She felt his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. He placed a soft kiss on her shoulder and it was one of those rare moments in which he seemed to be with her before abductions, deaths and disappointments had changed the course of their lives. 

"Where are you?" He whispered into her ear but she didn't answer. 

She didn't know who she was, didn't know where and she was scared. She wasn't ready to share whatever it was that she had with Stella. She couldn't tell him because she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to share it with him because it wasn't any of his business. It was her highly treasured secret, one that needed to be protected at all costs.   
She wondered what her answer would be should anyone ask what she had with Stella. The truth was that she didn't even know the woman. They had met just two days ago and it felt like she didn't know anything about the woman who had turned her whole world upside down within these few hours. 

Scully took a deep breath and moved his hand away from her waist to get out of bed. She didn't look back when she got up, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her shirt was still damp but she didn't want to take it off; she felt shattered and drowsy as if she hadn't got any sleep at all. Slowly she padded into the kitchen, not bothering to check the time, and put the kettle on. She liked to tell herself that a cup of tea made everything a little more bearable and since it was too early to drink this seemed to be her best option. 

She took her favorite cup out of the cupboard and waited, listening to the sound of the water that slowly started to boil, softly bubbling away. The same kind of water that had threatened to drown her a couple of minutes ago. The mere thought of that sent a shiver down her spine and she wondered what it meant. She sighed and her feet were cold; it was almost October and maybe it was time to put socks on when walking through the house so early in the morning. She heard Mulder behind her but couldn't bring herself to turn around. 

"What's going on?" He asked and walked up to her, slowly putting his hands on her hips. She took a deep breath, felt the tears sting in her eyes. 

"Nothing," she whispered, knowing that this was the worst answer. It couldn't be more obvious that something was wrong but it bothered her that he only noticed now and not years ago but she felt like they reached a point where nothing could be done right any more. 

"Talk to me," he said softly, placing a soft kiss on her shoulder. She tried not to look at him, trying not to let the tears spill from her eyes. She couldn't breathe and she couldn't talk because no matter what she did she knew she'd end up in tears. 

"I can't," she whispered and stepped away from him. He let go off her, wondering what to make of that. He knew that things hadn't been quite as perfect as they had imagined them to be but he had always relied on the fact that it would be okay somehow; that Scully would get through it with him, no matter what life threw at them. She had wanted a family, a home and someone to come home to; she had wanted something safe secure. She wanted romance and all the things she would never admit to wanting but he had always thought that she had accepted it at some point. He had accepted that this is not what life had in store for him, that maybe, his life had a different purpose and he had considered Scully to feel the same way but it appeared that he had no idea how wrong he had been.

Scully walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind her turning on the shower. She stripped off her clammy PJ's and stepped under the hot torrent, soothing her a little. It didn't take long until the tears mingled with the hot water and heart-breaking sobs rocked her body. She put a hand over her mouth, trying to silence the cries while the other hand rested flat against the tiles, steadying her. 

It was just one of those moments in which the world came crushing down on her for no apparent reason; none she was able to accept. It appeared that the whole world was falling apart around her and it terrified her so much that she could hardly breathe. She felt herself break under the unbearable pressure and it came crashing down with full force, drowning her in a sea of sorrow, grief and endless longing. It was one of those moments that emotionally drained her more so than she had been before. She felt numb and empty and for a few moments nothing around her seemed to make sense. She felt weak and invisible; she was sitting in a dark room with her life passing by at a scary speed and she didn't know how to get back to it. 

She had wanted so many things and all of a sudden it felt like she had nothing at all. She had let it go, watched it slip through her fingers as the years had passed and she had been left wondering what the hell was going on. Slowly she sat down in the shower, hugged her knees and leaned her head against the wall. The tapping of the water, that rained down on her, was soft and soothing on her skin. After a couple of minutes the sobs slowly subsided but she couldn't move; she was drained and exhausted and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get up and leave the shower. She laid her head back and closed her eyes. 

It was hard to accept that all of this would be over sooner or later, although a part of her knew that things had been over between them years ago. Her last attempt had failed and she didn't have the strength to keep going. She had sacrificed so much, had lost so much and she had finally reached a point where it broke her. She couldn't go on and pretend that none of this had happened; that she had spent a lifetime chasing ghosts, that she had lost almost her entire family and both of her children. She had been abducted, leaving her with an endless uncertainty of what had been done to her. They had taken away her ability to have children and they had taken away the man she had once loved deeply. 

She wanted to turn back time, to wipe the slate clean and start again but that seemed impossible. She had been scarred for life and there would never be a way out of it. Just for one day she wanted things to be normal, to come home and feel like everything was fine. They had reached a point that was as far away from normal as it could be. She was irritated by almost everything that happened, frustrated because there would never be a way back.

She didn't want someone to mince matters. She knew that things sucked so why should it help to pretend that it would be fine? It drove her crazy when people told her that everything would be fine. She was right there, fighting against her inner demons and she felt that she was losing the battle on a daily basis. She tried so hard but no one seemed to understand so they tell her that everything will be okay and it always shattered something inside of her because she was trying so hard and nothing seemed right at all. 

Scully wanted someone to hold her; she wanted someone's arms around her, holding her tightly. She needed to feel something and let go of the pressure and the responsibilities. She could no longer pretend that everything was okay and she just wanted to let go but at this moment, so early in the morning, she didn't even have the strength to get up and leave the shower and she had absolutely no idea how to get out of it. Every single part of her body felt heavy and Scully couldn't move. There was a terrible emptiness slowly eating her from the inside, slowing down her actions. She absent-mindedly reached for her shower gel, slowly spreading some on her hand. The soothing smell of lavender invaded her senses and she took a deep breath, slowly rubbing the liquid on her arms and her legs, softly massaging her wounded knees. She eventually rose from the floor and washed her hair, her body feeling somewhat stiff from sitting on the hard floor for too long.   
She stepped in front of the mirror a little later, wiped the mist off with her right hand and looked at her reflection just like she had at Stella's during the storm. 

It felt like she looked right through her own reflection, stared into nothing and there was no one to convince her otherwise. 

_Don't look away,_ she heard Stella whisper. _You are so beautiful._

She heard these words from far away and it felt like they were directed at anyone but her. She didn't see it and she didn't believe it either. Her eyes filled with tears again, blurring her own vision. She dried her hair with a towel and put it in a messy bun without bothering to brush it. She put both hands on the edge of the sink, trying to breathe through the pressure in her chest. She averted her gaze from the mirror, trying to resist the urge to smash the damn thing with her bare hands, opening the bathroom cabinet, reaching for the small orange bottle.   
Every part of her body was aching and she needed something to numb the pain, ignoring the voice that told her not to because she had already taken something to get rid of the headache.   
She took the medication anyway, wrapped a towel around her body and walked straight to the bedroom. She moved slow and deliberate, feeling like it wasn't her own but someone else's body. Before she had time to think about it she fetched her phone from the bedside table, sent an email and cancelled all her lectures for the day. She turned off her phone, put on pants and an oversized shirt and went back to bed. 

She didn't sleep, she just rested on her side, stared out of the window and waited. She didn't know what she was waiting for, her mind felt empty. She had already forgotten about her tea but Mulder walked in a few minutes later, leaving a fresh cup of tea on the bedside table. She wanted to thank him, wanted to say something but she couldn't even look at him. He asked if she needed anything and she shook her head. Scully felt scared and lonely, felt like she had been forgotten and she needed someone to remind her that she wasn't. She wanted to feel alive but at this moment it seemed just as right to succumb to the drugs in her system. The fact that she didn't have any food sped up the process a little and she didn't mind at all. 

She suddenly felt weightless, floating on a cloud of carelessness and a soft smile spread on her lips. Her anxieties slowly dissipated, the pain vanished and she felt lighter again. She wanted this to last forever, this quiet moment of blissful weightlessness when nothing hurt and nothing else mattered but it didn't take long until her body gave in and she drifted off to a deep sleep.

***

She was in a dark room, barely noticing the people around her. There was music and dancing and there was Mulder. She heard the familiar tune, had heard the song many times before and it seemed strangely soothing.  
They had been working on a case but the mystery had been solved and it didn't matter any longer.  
The only mystery that yet remained to be solved was her very own, and that of the man who sat next to her. She laughed at him, relieved that the case was over and that they were able to go home.  
She watched him rise from his chair, wondering what might happen next when he held out his hand. He was asking her to dance and Scully hesitated for a moment before she gave in with a smile and allowed Mulder to take her hand and pull her towards him.  
She smiled, looking up at the man she had fallen in love with such a long time ago. He held her hand in his, the other one resting on her hip, slowly goiding them through the dance. She leaned against him and for this short moment everything seemed fine and just the way it should be.

***

The next time she came to her senses she was sitting on the edge of a king size bed but it wasn't her own. The room was dimly lit and the atmosphere strangely soothing. Scully took a deep breath, trying to get her head straight. She vaguely remembered driving to London, a part of her mind was still clouded by the residues of the drugs in her body.

She was still tired although she had spent most of the day in bed. She should have known but she had ignored her needs. She almost laughed at it because, for most of the day, she hadn't even been able to identify these. She rose from the bed and looked around. The hotel room was dark and elegant; a rather soothing and comforting atmosphere. It smelled sweet and comforting, not overpowering so but she couldn't tell what it was.   
She made a cup a coffee, feeling a wave of relief wash over her as the familiar scent filled the air. She didn't care that it was almost 6pm and sipped the hot cup of coffee that wasn't too bad but something told her that she should have got some decent food.   
She felt a little bit better now that she had left; she inhaled deeply, wondering what the hell had got into her. There was still a dull headache, throbbing faintly but it was probably the lack of food and fresh air that caused it to linger a little longer.   
The only thing she hadn't been able to shake off was the loneliness. It was still with her, clinging to her with desperate determination. She wanted to shake it off but she didn't know how. She thought of Stella and last night, wishing that she had stayed that morning. It had been two days and she realized that she had not heard from Stella and she felt the slightest trace of sadness in her chest. 

What had she expected? 

She didn't know Stella, didn't know what Stella wanted and she suddenly realized that she couldn't even call her, even if she wanted to because she didn't have her number. She had left her phone number but Scully didn't have hers. Remembering that she was indeed a former FBI Agent, knowing how to obtain any phone number, or have someone do it for you, she dropped onto the bed with a sigh and pushed that thought aside. 

What if it wasn't meant to be? 

She had wondered why Stella seemed to want her, why her of all people? She knew that she wasn't far from Stella's place, it was probably in walking distance but she wouldn't go there. She had picked this place because it wasn't far from uni in case she decided to return to work in the morning. She'd have to start early to take care of some paperwork because of the hours she had missed today. 

What if Stella was tired of her already? 

Scully suddenly remembered that she hadn't checked her phone since turning it off this morning and reached for her bag, turned it on and waited. She put the cup aside and let herself fall back onto the bed. She was about to remember what she had done this morning, feeling the embarrassment creep up slowly when she heard the sound of an incoming message. Her heart nearly skipped a beat when she saw a message from an unknown number. 

_You forgot your dress at my place. Again. Are you doing it on purpose to have an excuse to come back? S._

There was a smile on her face, for the very first time that day. She had already forgotten about the dress. She started to type a reply, wondering what to say. She didn't care about the dress, she wanted to see Stella again. She wanted to kiss her, wrap her arms around her and feel her skin on skin; she wanted Stella, needed her more than ever. She deleted her reply and called her instead. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she felt nervous all of a sudden. She settled back against the soft pillows and waited, not knowing what to say. 

"Gibson," Stella picked up the phone and Scully smiled with closed eyes. 

"Hey there," Scully said softly, realizing that she hadn't said a word to anyone since opening her eyes hours ago and she hadn't been quite communicative when she checked in to the hotel earlier. It seemed a little exhausting to talk, her speech was still slightly slurred but she tried hard to speak slow and at least appear composed. 

"Dana," Stella said and if she wasn't mistaken she sounded relieved. 

"Don't worry about the dress," Scully said and laughed to herself. It almost turned into a soft giggle and she noticed that she wasn't quite as sober as she thought she had been. "I'll pick it up… whenever."

"Are you drunk?" Stella asked and Scully couldn't tell whether she was amused or concerned. 

"I'm not so sure," Scully admitted and smiled. "It's nice to hear your voice," Scully said softly, trying to distract her from the initial question. "I want to see you," Scully almost whispered; Stella sighed. 

"Where are you?" she wanted to know; she had already made up her mind. She had to see her, come what may. 

"Malmaison," Scully said. She was certain Stella knew exactly where to find it. 

"Room number?" Stella asked while she grabbed her coat and got ready to leave the house. It felt weird since she was usually the one who made these calls, asking people to meet her for one and only reason. Dana's voice had seemed calm, strangely so and something about it unsettled her a little. She couldn't say why but she wanted to see her more than ever. 

"305," Scully said quietly.

"I'll be there in a bit," she said and then the line went dead. Scully sighed and put her face in her hands.

***

Stella Gibson stood in her living room, trying to decide what to do. She had already made up her mind, knowing that she would see Dana sooner or later but there was a tiny part inside of her that wanted to keep herself from doing so. It was against everything she had believed in for years, but she also knew that she had already gone too far. There was no easy way out of it any more she thought and decided against changing her clothes.  
She wanted to walk to the hotel, knowing exactly where to find it. She needed this little bit of time to clear her head having already given up on figuring out what she wanted because it seemed impossible to tell. She made a little detour, dropping by at Waitrose to get something to eat.  
Something told her that Dana, much like herself, had a habit of skipping meals and if Stella wasn't mistaken she didn't appear quite sober when she called. She raised an eyebrow with a glance at her watch and headed to the grocery store.

A couple of minutes later she took her time walking through the aisles, wondering what to get and whether Dana would be asleep by the time she got there. She picked some cheese, bread and strawberries, reminding herself that she had no clue what Dana liked and didn't like because she didn't know her. She wanted to pick a bottle of wine, wondering whether that would be a good idea. Despite the fact that she had been drinking for the last two nights in a row she wasn't sure Dana should have more but she chose a bottle anyway and tried to hurry a little. 

She paused for a moment when she reached the third floor, taking a deep breath before she knocked on the door. Scully opened the door and stepped aside, reaching behind Stella to put the "Do not Disturb"-Sign on the handle, without another word. She closed the door and shut out the rest of the world. Stella looked around the room; it was warm and cosy, comforting somehow. She put the bag on the small round table while Scully sat down on the edge of the bed. She watched Stella quietly, noticing that she didn't bring the dress. 

Stella took off her coat and dropped it on the chair before she turned around to face Dana. She stepped between her legs and cupped the redhead's face with both hands. She looked down at the woman in front of her, feeling a strong impulse of empathy. Deep down she knew that she would do anything for her; she wanted to know how her day had been and what had troubled her so tremendously. She wanted to put her own demons aside and make sure Dana would be ok. She had had that thought on the way up to the hotel room and it had surprised her for a moment.   
She looked at Dana, her thumbs softly caressing her cheeks. She looked tired but her pupils were dilated and alert, her cheeks were flushed but she didn't wear any makeup. Stella noticed every tiny freckle on her beautiful face; slowly she leaned forward to place a soft kiss on Dana's lips. 

"What have you been up to?" she asked quietly, having seen this look before. She had been down this road herself but she wouldn't pry if Dana didn't want to talk about it. 

"Numbing the pain?" Dana offered and rose from the bed. She kissed Stella slowly, lingering a little before she broke it off. Stella turned her around, laying her arms around Scully. Slowly she leaned against Stella, her head resting on her shoulder. 

"Are you in pain?" Stella wanted to know, softly whispering against the crook of her neck; her lips brushing the soft skin while she spoke. 

"Sometimes," Scully said quietly. It wasn't so much of the pain but the unbearable loneliness that tortured her from time to time. Stella tightened her arms around Dana.

"Kiss me," Scully whispered against her lips and Stella turned her just a little to capture her lips. Stella had her hands on Scully's stomach, felt it move as her breath hitched a little during the kiss. A sigh escaped her own lips when she finally kissed Dana. She allowed herself to get lost in the warmth that spread inside of her, not wanting it to end; she didn't want to play games any longer.   
Stella parted her lips, their tongues slowly exploring each other. She deepened the kiss, a soft moan escaping her own lips. There was a faintest hint of lavender surrounding her. Her lips felt soft against her own and Stella remembered why she preferred kissing women over men; it was softer and sweeter and it made her feel safe.   
She broke the kiss, softly panting for air. Dana turned around, her forehead resting against Stella's; she laid her arms around Dana and pulled her closer. It was nothing compared to anything she ever had with another person; it was intimate and close, it was soothing and left her wanting for more. Stella wanted to give in and not run away. She pulled Dana closer, her arms tightly wrapped around her slender form, tilting her head a little. Stella felt something melt inside of her, it didn't hurt as much as she had expected it to; it was rather pleasurable. It seemed that all of her anxieties and boundaries faded away; the longing and desire, that had been sleeping within her, slowly came to life. 

Dana's hand travelled to Stella’s neck, pressing her lips against her own more urgently, moving an arm around Stella's waist to hold her tight. Stella reluctantly let go off Dana, feeling slightly out of breath and dizzy. She looked up, her eyes finding Dana's; they gazed at each other longingly, realized that they were indeed smitten by each other and before she knew it their lips were locked again. Her hands travelled to the small of her back, slowly lifting the shirt. Stella put her hand on the same part she had touched last night; her skin was warm and soft beneath her fingertips. There was a delicious throb between her legs, an increasing ache that needed soothing but it had to wait. 

She looked at Dana, who stepped away from her, grabbing the hem of her shirt with both hands. She never took her eyes off Stella, slowly lifting her shirt above her head and tossed it aside. Stella started to unbutton her own, feeling Dana's eyes on her and it sent a shiver through her body. She stripped off her blouse and embraced the other woman, her nipples hardening against the soft fabric of her bra. Stella turned them around, gently pushing her onto the bed. She didn't wait, didn't ask because it was clear what they both wanted and she didn't want to ruin it with too much talking. 

She hovered above Dana just like she had last night, her hand slowly traveling from her neck to her breasts and along her stomach. She kissed the corners of Dana's mouth smiling at the soft sounds she was drawing from her pretty mouth. She entwined their fingers, her breasts touching Dana's while she leaned forward; her tongue wandered along the outlines of Dana's lips. Her tongue met Stella's, slowly teasing and tasting before Stella leaned down for a wet and sloppy kiss. She felt the sticky wetness between her legs, soaking her panties and it was driving her insane. 

Dana parted her legs, drawing Stella closer when she crossed her ankles behind her back. She felt Stella's weight on her body, thinking that she had never been more turned on in her life. It had been a tiny spark, a long-lost flame that had almost died, that was now raging through her body, setting every nerve on fire. She could smell her own arousal, soaking her panties and it made her head swim. Stella reached down and Dana raised her hips to shed the last remaining pieces of clothing, turning them both around the moment Stella leaned in to capture her lips for another kiss, surprising them both. She straddled her hips, slowly opening the buttons of Stella's trousers. She had been so scared to make a mistake, thought she didn't know what to do but it all seemed so easy and natural and it felt so right. 

She regarded the woman beneath her; the beautiful woman with her slightly flushed chest, her blonde tresses spread on the pillow around her. Her pupils were widened with arousal, her hands dying to touch her. Her eyes locked with Dana’s who reached behind herself, quickly unclasping her bra. The straps slowly glided off her shoulders and she didn't worry for a single moment. Stella looked at her with quiet adoration, certain that she had never seen someone more beautiful. She took Dana's hands and guided them to her own breasts. Dana cupped them with her hands, feeling her already sensitive nipples harden under her touch. She arched her back into Dana's hands, melting against her, She pulled the cups away, freeing them from the confines of the beautiful fabric.   
For just one moment Stella allowed herself to get lost, surrendering the power that she so desperately held on to but she didn't feel threatened at all. This was not one of her encounters that had served to satisfy her needs, it seemed to be so much more than that. She didn't want it to end, wanted to savor every single moment of it. She wanted to kiss and taste; touch and feel. There had been so much longing and desire that haunted her through the nights, a terrible emptiness that had filled her after every time she had had sex with a stranger. It had been emotionless and practical but this seemed to be so much more. 

She laid her arms around Dana and turned them around, placing feather-light kisses along her neck and her chest, taking one nipple inside her mouth. Dana immediately arched into the sensation, her lips parting on a soft moan and it put a smile on Stella's lips. She flicked her tongue over her nipples, drawing the softest moans from her. Scully put her hand on Stella's, cupping her own breasts. She parted her lips, her tongue finding Stella’s; biting and sucking, teasing and taunting.   
Scully inhaled sharply, holding her breath when Stella slowly travelled down her stomach, leaving kisses in her wake. She smelled her arousal and it took away the ability to think clearly. Her hands gripped the hem of Scully's panties, looking up to make sure she was okay with it but Dana was already far beyond worrying, parting her legs in anticipation.   
She moaned softly, expectantly. Stella laid down next to her, her fingertips wandering up and down the outlines of Dana's naked body, leaving goosebumps in its wake. She felt overwhelmed with desire, wanted Stella to touch her and put her out of her sweet misery. Her whole body started to tense, her hands both gripping the sheets to find something to hold on to as Stella's hand finally touched her where she wanted it so desperately. Stella slowly glided through her slick folds, teasing her aching clit with slow circles. She never took her eyes off Dana, a strangled moan escaping her parted lips. Scully tilted her head back and bit her lip, covering her face with her hands when Stella's fingers slid inside of her, exploring her gently.

"Oh fuck," Scully hissed. 

She felt the heat rush through her body from head to toe, a shiver running through her aroused body. Stella curled her fingers a little, hitting just the right spot to make her melt, moving her fingers in and out at an agonizingly slow pace. Scully bent her knees, leaning in to the touch, using her free hand to move Dana’s hands away from her face, placing open-mouthed kisses on her lips. 

"Don't hide," Stella whispered against her lips, teasing Dana with her tongue. "I want to see you." 

Dana forced her eyes open, looking at Stella. She put her hand in her neck, pulling her in for a messy kiss as Stella moved her hand faster, teasing her clit with the palm of her hand. Dana was squirming beneath her, her body covered with a fine layer of sweat. Stella knew she was close, she felt her muscles contract around her own fingers, felt her warm arousal on her hand. Her face hovered just inches above Scully when the orgasm crashed over her. Her body tensed, her back arching of the mattress as her legs shivered, crying out in pleasure and Stella moved her fingers slowly while she came down.

Scully couldn't think, panting for air. She felt Stella's hand on her cheek and her forehead, brushing her hair aside. She placed a feather-light kiss above her right brow and leaned her forehead against Dana's. It took her a few moments to gather the strength to move, turning around so that Stella was beneath her. She cupped both breasts with her hands, softly kneading them while she placed gentle kisses on the warm skin between them.   
She didn't waste too much time, knowing that she was just as desperate for a release as she had been and this was not the time for endless teasing. She wanted to feel Stella come apart beneath her, wanted to watch her as she came. Slowly her hand glided between her legs, finding her just as wet and aching. The blonde was panting and whispering under her raging breath and Scully smiled to herself because Stella had appeared a lot more composed than she truly was. 

"Yes…" Stella hissed when Dana's hand found its way between her legs. "Yes… right there.“

She watched the beautiful woman squirm in her arms, biting her lip to keep her moans inside but Scully wanted to hear her. She wanted all of it, all these sweet sounds that she hadn't heard in such a long time. Whenever Stella hummed softly, keeping it inside, she moved her fingers a little faster and she would cry out in pleasure.

"Come for me, Stella," Scully whispered into her ear and that was all it took for her to fall apart. 

She cried out in pleasure, her moans echoing in the empty room. She was clinging to Scully, shivering as the orgasm rushed through her body.   
Scully kissed her and put her cheek just above her heart, just like Stella had the night before, covering her naked body with her own. After a couple of seconds Stella wrapped her arms around Scully, holding her close. She felt incredibly touched, reveling in the afterglow as her senses slowly calmed down.


	5. By Day I Shall Be Well Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/26FmQGkV9wjPWtve8/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/26FmQGkV9wjPWtve8/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: There's no new poem because it continues right where chapter 4 left off..._

Scully raised her head, leaning on her hand.

"Hey there," she said softly and looked at Stella. For the first time that day Scully felt calm and at ease and not quite as lonely as she had this morning. Stella bit her lip, looking at the ceiling. She was still trying to gather her thoughts, her heartbeat only slowly returning to normal. She knew that this wasn’t the greatest sex she had ever had but it didn’t really matter, there was so much more that somehow made up for it.

She was trying to figure out what to do and almost laughed at that thought. Stella had never really bothered with all of that before; she had never allowed anyone to spend the night and if so there was no emotion tied to it and she had kicked them out the next morning without giving it a second thought but with Dana it had been different from the start. She was the one who had followed her here, she came here because she had wanted to and she stayed because she needed it but it was still an unfamiliar feeling and deep inside she was afraid that she might screw it up. She hadn't been the best at maintaining any kind of decent relationship with anyone over the last couple of years. 

"What is it?" Scully wanted to know, wondering what was wrong. She wasn't good with any of this but the last thing she needed was drama. "Please don't let it be awkward, I can't deal with this now," Scully said and brushed a strand of hair from Stella's face and suddenly she felt something lift off her chest and laughed. It was soft and it surprised her but she couldn't stop and it rocked her body while she put her face in her hands. Stella wasn't even sure why she laughed but now that it started she felt like she couldn't stop and she didn't want to. 

Scully looked at Stella, a smile spreading on her lips. She didn't know what to make of it but a part of her felt like she didn't have to. For the time-being some of the tension and the loneliness dissipated and took some weight off her shoulders. The laughter was infectious and she couldn't stop herself from joining in. She laid on her back, each of them lost in their own thoughts, softly laughing to themselves. After a couple of minutes the laughter subsided and Stella sighed, wiping the tears from the corner of her eyes. Scully took a deep breath and turned on her side to face the woman next to her. 

"I don’t think I’ve ever done this before," Stella said quietly and sighed. 

"You didn't have a lot to laugh about," Scully said calmly and tried to resist the urge to touch her; a part of her knew that Stella wasn't a very cuddly person and, although she might like to, she couldn't allow herself to do that just yet.

"No," Stella said quietly, trying to think of a time when she had been happy and the only answer she had made it even sadder. Scully had seen it before, had seen it the first night they had run into each other. There was a certain sadness surrounding Stella, something she kept hidden deep inside because she didn't want to appear vulnerable.  
She was cautious, protecting herself by not letting anyone get to her, knowing that she would be lonely sooner or later. She had been forced to be strong and independent at a young age, had believed that this is how it had to be done. It made her seemingly invincible but left her feeling horribly lonely. Scully knew exactly how that felt, having experienced this for years and years herself. 

She wanted to tell her that she was sorry and that things would be better but quickly remembered that this was the one thing she never wanted to hear herself. It hardly made things better and she had no idea what trials Stella had had to put up with in her life so she opted for the one thing she knew couldn't be wrong with at this moment. There was only one thing that would soothe the raging ache within both of them so she leaned forward and gently kissed her on the lips. 

The kiss was slow and lingering. It was intimate and everything Stella had stayed away from for so long. She had used physical contact to satisfy her needs, to fill the void inside of her and to make her feel alive when she needed it most but it had never been intimate. Her hand rested on Dana's cheek, looking into the icy blue eyes above her. What she saw wasn't so different from herself and there was something strangely familiar. 

Stella turned on her side, facing Scully; their bodies only inches apart. Dana hugged her pillow, her head resting on the soft fabric. 

"Who are you?" Stella asked softly. 

It was something they had asked before but it seemed to have a different meaning now. Things had shifted a little and she needed to know more about the woman next to her. 

"My name is Dana Katherine Scully," she said softly. "I'm a doctor and a former FBI Agent. I'm a navy brat who was born in Maryland," she said and Stella chuckled. "I am blindly wandering through the mess my life has become, wondering what the hell I am doing."

"Why does that sound so familiar?" Stella said more to herself. "Dana Katherine," she whispered. "That's beautiful," she said, mimicking Scully's position as she hugged her pillow and laid on her stomach. 

"Your turn," Scully said, wondering whether Stella would avoid her questions this time. 

"My name is Stella Imogen Gibson," she said. "I am a Detective Superintendent for the Metropolitan Police, currently grounded and confined to my desk with endless amounts of paperwork," she said with a laugh but Scully didn't miss the slight trace of bitterness in her voice.

"Ouch," Scully said. "Who did you piss off?" she wondered, remembering the many times she had tried to justify their ridiculous cases and finish the never-ending reports. 

"All the wrong people it seems," Stella said without getting into further details. 

"Imogen is nice," Scully said, wondering where she had heard that name before. 

"My father loved Shakespeare," Stella said with a faint smile. "Siblings?"

"Three," Dana said. 

"Are you the oldest?" Stella wanted to know because it was hard to tell. 

"Number three," Scully said with a sigh. "My brother Bill is in the navy. My sister Melissa… she, she died a few years ago," Scully said and paused for a second. There was no need to go into the details that surrounded her death. "Then there's me and my younger brother Charlie. I haven't talked to him in years," Dana said and played with the corner of her pillow. 

"I'm sorry about your sister," Stella said quietly. 

"Do you have siblings?" 

Stella shook her head. 

"There was just me and my parents. My father died when I was fourteen, my parents had a divorce not long before it happened and everything after that was just a mess," she said calmly and Scully didn't miss the slight trace of sadness that came along with what she had just said. 

"I'm sorry about your dad," Scully said and reached out, her fingertips slowly gliding along the bare skin of Stella's back; the blonde sighed and closed her eyes.

"I used to play the violin," Stella said softly with closed eyes, slightly distracted by Dana's fingers caressing her back. "My favorite season is Spring," she whispered into her pillow and Dana moved a little closer, putting both hands on either side of Stella. She hovered above her, her tiny golden cross tickling Stella's back. 

Scully leaned down and placed a chaste kiss between her shoulder blades. 

"My favorite color is dark blue," Dana whispered between several kisses. "My favorite childhood story is Moby Dick," she said and kissed her gently on the small of her back. She reached out, taking Stella's hands in her own, while she moved up; her breasts touching the bare skin of Stella's back. She hummed in appreciation and Scully smiled. 

Gently she lowered herself onto Stella, taking her hands in her own. 

"I like…" Stella whispered, her composure cracking a little under Scully's administrations. 

"What do you like?" Scully whispered against the skin of her neck before she kissed the soft skin, sucking just a little to make Stella's breath hitch. 

"Dark chocolate," she sighed with a content smile on her lips, remembering that she had bought some earlier. 

Scully inhaled slowly, inhaling the scent that was surrounding Stella. It was a heady mixture of vanilla and sex, unmasked arousal and something uniquely her that Scully couldn't identify. She felt calm and serene, craving the physical contact to ease the emptiness that had numbed her hours ago. 

"I like dark chocolate," Scully said, kissing the corner of Stella's lips. "And sometimes I get drunk and… get tattoos," she said with a laugh and laid down next to Stella. 

"Is that so?" Stella asked, raising an eyebrow. "Sounds very naughty."

"Or stupid," Scully said and looked at the ceiling. She hadn't thought about it at all; back then she had enjoyed the feeling of doing something that was not her, that was different from anything they expected of her. 

"I prefer rebellious," Stella said and cupped Scully's face. "And that's pretty sexy," she said, kissed her and slid off the bed. 

She wrapped one of the blankets around her body and walked over to the table to get the bag of food she had brought. Scully watched her from the bed, leaning against the headboard. Stella stood there, wearing nothing but a white blanket around her body and her perfect hair was messy, her lipstick slightly smudged. She looked adorable and all Scully wanted to do was take the blanket away from her and hug her tightly in all her naked glory. 

"You brought food?" Scully asked and tilted her head back with a smile. It wasn't until now that she realized that she was absolutely famished, having skipped breakfast and slept through lunch. 

"You sounded like you didn't have much to eat today," Stella said and returned to the bed. "Did you drink?" Stella asked and sat back next to Scully, who shook her head. 

"I just… slept through breakfast… and lunch," Scully said. "I'm afraid I was a little stoned."

Numbing the pain, Stella remembered her words. 

Many years ago she had done the same; had harmed her body in so many ways to numb the pain. She had hurt herself, she had drunk too much and used whatever she could find to make herself forget everything that had caused her so much pain. She wasn't proud of it but she couldn't make it undone. She had hidden her pain in plain sight, you just needed to know where to look. She had spent too many nights, sleeping with too many strangers, knowing that it wouldn't change a damn thing at the end of the day. For years this had been her only way of coping with the incredible loneliness and the guilt that had eaten her from the inside. She carried the reminder of her past on her body; tiny, faded scars but she knew where to find them.

***

_She arched her back off the bed, both hands holding on to the silk ties that kept her arms in place. Stella parted her lips with a sigh, bent her knees and tilted her head back. She was slowly panting, trying to distract herself._

_She heard her chuckle above her, refusing to touch her where she wanted it desperately and it drove Stella crazy. She couldn't see what was happening because she was blindfolded. She listened closely, trying to figure out what to expect. She trusted Irene with all her heart and it was just one of these moments when she surrendered the power, she always held on so dearly, and allowed someone else to take over. She needed some weight taken off her shoulders. She had been overwhelmed by the responsibilities and her ever so demanding job that it seemed necessary to give that up in a safe environment and let someone else take over._

_Stella bit her lip, every nerve of her body on fire._

_"Are we a little impatient today?" she purred with her impeccable British accent, enjoying every second of the sweet torture._

_Stella was squirming beneath her, her cheeks flushed and every part of her body aching for release. Small beads of sweat were gathering between her breasts and she felt it running down her temples.  
Stella raised her head a little, trying to capture Irene's lips where she expected them to be. She felt her hot breath on her lips, lingering so close and still so far away and out of reach. She groaned in frustration, quietly begging Irene to put her out of her misery. She felt dizzy and exhausted, panting for air. Her legs were spread, waiting impatiently. Her clit was throbbing, almost painfully so and Irene smiled at the glorious image in front of her. She caught herself feeling sorry for a second, pushed that thought aside and slowly caressed the insides of her thighs. _

_She avoided touching Stella where she wanted it most; just a few more moments. She was so wet and swollen and it took every bit of Irene's strength not to taste her right now, run her tongue through the folds that were slick with her own moisture. She wouldn't give in, not until she got what she wanted. She admired Stella's resilience, knowing that it wouldn't last much longer. Stella was so wet; she smelled her own arousal and it drove her crazy, made her feel dizzy. She had lost track of how many times Irene had already teased her until she was on the verge of an orgasm that night, she couldn't think clearly any longer. She was dying to touch her, run her hands along the soft skin of her beautiful body. She wanted to touch herself and end the sweet torture but unfortunately she wasn't in a position to call the shots._

_Irene moved a little closer between the blondes legs, positioning them above her thighs. She ran her hands along the insides of Stella's thighs, drawing desperate moans from Stella; her thighs quivering with anticipation._

_"Tell me what you want, darling," Irene whispered and Stella squirmed under the touch of her skilled hands. She leaned forward to kiss her inner thigh, wetting her fingers with the juices she found there._

_"Please," Stella whispered shakily. It was so quiet that Irene almost missed it, smiling triumphantly when she was about to get what she wanted._

_"What was that, darling?" she asked, her mouth slowly approaching the wet and aching center._

_"Please," Stella begged more urgently. "Please…" Stella whimpered, pulling on the ties that kept her from touching herself, or Irene. She was squirming, felt the tears in the corner of her eyes when the pleasure slowly overwhelmed her._

_"Just fuck me," Stella hissed through gritted teeth and that was all Irene needed, all she had wanted. Slowly, she ran the tip of her tongue through Stella's folds, all the way up to her clit, reveling in the taste - musky, salty and somewhat sweet. She flicked her tongue over Stella's sensitive clit, listening to her panting breath, the moans and the desperate whimpering. She bucked her hips, attempting to increase the friction and Irene put her arm around her thigh, her hand on Stella's hip to hold her in place._

_"Oh God… please," Stella whispered; Irene smiled, wrapping her lips around Stella's clit, licking and sucking in a familiar manner. A well-practiced rhythm but she knew that it wouldn't be enough although it might be enough to push her over the edge for now. She had tortured her for far too long tonight, drew it out so she would end it soon. Her fingers slid in effortlessly, finding the right spot that melted Stella like hot wax beneath her fingertips. She added a third finger, licking slowly. She heard Stella whisper, her words inaudible and indeterminable by now._  
When She felt her muscles clench around her fingers she stopped licking, quickly sucking her clit and Stella cried out in pleasure. Her back arched of the bed, fighting against the ties around her wrists; Irene hoped there wouldn't be any marks left tomorrow. A shiver ran through her body, her legs trembling when the orgasm finally crashed over her. She cried out in sweet agony until it took her breath away. Irene reached up and freed Stella from the black piece of silk that had kept her blindfolded. Stella kept her eyes closed, the tears running down her temples as she slowly came down from the orgasm. Irene slowly kissed her way up until she captured Stella's lips in an openmouthed kiss. The blonde was only partially responsive, all of her strength drained from her body after that mind-blowing orgasm.  
She tasted herself on Irene's lips, humming in quiet appreciation. She barely noticed it when Irene loosened the ties, her arms laying by her sides. She was shattered and utterly exhausted, feeling content and relaxed at the same time. 

_"Are you okay?" Irene whispered and placed a soft kiss on the corner of her lips. Stella nodded, finally opening her eyes. The room was dimly lit but it took her a few seconds to get used to the sensation of not being blindfolded. She looked up at the woman above her, feeling incredibly grateful. She had met Irene not too long ago but they shared a special bond, something unique based on trust and deepest respect. She didn't love Irene, not in the common sense. She adored the woman for who she was and for the escapes she offered every now and then. She was her friend, one of the few she actually had and that was something she treasured highly._

***

She wouldn't judge Scully for what she had done to herself, taking a deep breath while she pushed that memory far away. She felt the faint throbbing between her legs and closed her eyes for a second. Scully leaned back and they ate in silence for a while, each of them lost in their own thoughts. She didn't know what time it was when they finished their little makeshift dinner. She laid sprawled out on the bed while Stella was in the bathroom. She was still naked; her clothes had been discarded on the floor around the bed. She didn't want to put them on, feeling pretty much at ease although there was something in the back of her mind that troubled her a little.

All of a sudden she felt slightly overwhelmed with everything that had happened. She had given in so easily, hadn't even given it a second thought and that confused her for some reason. She had long given up on her beliefs and her strictly catholic upbringing, her faith had been challenged so many times that she couldn't hold on to that any longer. It would be a lie saying that she had never thought about being with a woman; she had been curious, wondering what it would be like. She wasn't sure whether it was simply because she had been scared or had lost sight of everyone else around her when she got involved with Mulder.  
She wanted to love and she wanted to feel loved and in the end it didn't matter whether it was a woman or a man as long as she felt safe and appreciated, as long as it made her feel good. She closed her eyes with a sigh, remembering Stella's hands on her body. Not for a second had she been scared although she had assumed this might happen, but it had all seemed so natural. She knew what she liked and wanted; she knew where to touch herself and how to feel good and it seemed only natural for Stella to want the same. 

She had felt guilty after Stella had kissed her for the first time but she couldn't even say why. Was it because she felt obliged to be with Mulder? She knew there was nothing left of the relationship they once had but a part of her still held on to it; it had been too long and no one would get out of it unharmed.  
She couldn't remember the last time she had made love to Mulder. They had sex but it had been nothing compared to what they had shared ten years ago; the fire had died out long ago.  
Touching Stella had sparked something inside of her, it had been soft and soothing and nothing like anything she had ever had with Mulder. She felt a sudden wave of sadness rush through her, refusing to let her doubts cloud her mind. She rose from the bed and pulled a shirt from her overnight bag when Stella walked out of the bathroom, still wrapped in the white blanket. 

"What's wrong?" she asked, having thought about it while she was in the bathroom. Scully couldn't look at Stella, feeling confused somehow. Stella had already suspected it; putting both hands on her hips and pulled her against her own body.

"Dana," Stella said softly. "Did you ever have sex with a woman before?" Scully had expected the question. She bit her lip, felt her cheeks flush a little. She lifted Dana's chin with her hand to look at her. 

"Hey," she said softly. "I'm not asking to judge you," Stella said honestly, she just didn't want to confuse the poor woman more than she already had but it seemed a little late now. 

"No," Scully whispered with a sigh, a shy smile on her lips; she laid her arms around Stella's neck, finally looking at the blonde woman. 

"How did it feel?" Stella wanted to know; she didn't want to embarrass her, she honestly needed to know because, for once, she cared about someone else's needs but her own. 

"It was…" Scully tried to come up with the right words. "Soft and… gentle," she said and Stella smiled while Dana describe their recent encounter. She quickly pushed away the memories of a different encounter, she had shared with another woman, that was far from soft and gentle but now wasn't the right time for that. She'd have to introduce her to the art of teasing and pleasuring at another point. 

"It was," Dana said and looked right into Stella's eyes. "Very intimate," she admitted. "Something I haven't felt in a long time." For a brief moment Stella was taken aback by her words because this was exactly what she had felt. 

"I didn't mean to scare you or anything," Stella said with a smile. 

"It takes a bit more than that," Scully said. 

If only Stella knew all the shit she had experienced during her time with the FBI she'd be laughing about this now and Scully briefly wondered if she'd ever be able to tell Stella about her work and the X-Files without making a fool of herself. She dropped that thought, not wanting to go back there now. She was in a different place now with no expectations and responsibilities, no judgments; nothing but the two of them. 

"Dance with me," Scully said softly, breaking the silence that had settled between them. 

"What?" Stella said with a laugh. 

"You heard me," Scully said. "Dance with me, Stella," she repeated her words; she knew that it was not within her opponents' comfort zone but there was no one watching them and she didn't have anything to lose. 

"That's crazy," Stella said, wondering whether Dana was serious. 

"Why?" Scully said and laughed, holding on to Stella. "Do you remember the last time you danced with someone? Just like that?" Scully said and stepped a little closer to Stella, who didn't back away. 

"No obligations, no special occasion," Scully said quietly. "Just a partner of your choice."

"There's no music," Stella tried half-heartedly, thinking about Dana's words. 

"Use your imagination," she said with a smile and Stella briefly closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. 

A part of her still thought that this was silly and that she didn't want to do it but she found herself unable to refuse the request. She didn't remember the last time she had actually danced with someone, had never engaged in something so intimate with anyone. Despite what everyone thought of her, she wasn't used to such intimacies. She appeared confident with satisfying her desires and needs but this was entirely new to her and it was confusing though it only seemed fair because Dana must be just as confused by all of this. 

Dana turned her around, softly swaying in the dimly lit room. There was a smile on her lips when she knew that she had won, that Stella was about to give in. Stella put her left hand on Dana's hip, her right hand taking hers. She moved them around the room, in the fairly confined space, and found herself slowly giving in. She stepped away from Dana for an instant, raised her arm and made Dana spin around before she pulled her back into her arms. Slowly, Stella laid her head on Dana's shoulder, melting into the dance. 

She felt calm and emotional all of a sudden, strangely at ease. She inhaled deeply, her lips against the crook of Dana's neck. She closed her eyes and let go. Far away from her worries, her rules and her responsibilities; hidden from her past and her failures, the rules and obligations. She let go of all of that for this brief moment and she wasn't the Detective Superintendent, who had screwed things up. She was just Stella; dancing barefoot in the middle of the night with nothing but a single sheet wrapped around her otherwise naked form. She was just Stella, ignoring all her own rules and precautions. 

She was just Stella and, against all odds, she was about to fall in love. She raised her head from Dana's shoulder as the realization slowly hit her. It had been at the back of her mind from the moment she saw Dana during the storm but she had refused to let that get to her. Before her thoughts took over, threatening to overwhelm her she kissed Dana while they continued to dance and softly swayed, each one to their own tune.

The kiss was slow and tender; Dana sighed into the kiss without letting go of Stella. She felt calmer now, her worries slowly subsiding. She knew that this wasn't over but for the moment everything seemed okay again. She opened her lips slowly, pulling Stella to her slightly flushed body. Something was different, as if something had shifted between them. Things moved a little bit slower now that the first tension had been dissolved and Scully suddenly felt a little more nervous than she had before because she allowed herself to think about it and knew what to expect.

Stella sensed that something was different, breaking the kiss. 

"Do you want me to stop?" Stella asked and Scully shook her head. 

"No," she whispered against Stella's lips, trying to ignore her slightly trembling hands and her pounding heart. 

Stella opened the blanket, that was wrapped around her body, and embraced Dana with it. She didn't do cheesy romantic very well, that wasn't her thing; at least not openly. She turned them both around toward the bed, kissing the corners of Dana's mouth; one by one she placed feather-light kisses along her throat. Scully closed her eyes with a deep breath, concentrating on the softness of her lips.  
She sat down on the edge of the bed, stepping out of the embrace. She felt slightly exposed all of a sudden, her shirt riding up her thighs and she remembered that she didn't wear panties. A small part of her felt embarrassed, wanted to cover herself but instead she just laughed about it and Stella reached behind her and pulled the second blanket around her waist. She wasn't ready to drop her own just yet, there were parts of her body that she didn't want to reveal in plain sight. 

She settled on Dana's lap, reminding herself to take it slow. She thought that this might not be such a bad thing after all. She had her arms around Dana's neck, just like she did earlier during their little dance. She leaned in for another kiss, stopping herself before Dana had a chance to capture her own lips and smiled. She watched the other woman, parting her lips for the kiss she was expecting. Stella moved back and forth, teasing her with feather-light kisses on the corners of her mouth, her chin and her shoulder blades. She brushed the hair aside and kissed her way along her throat, gently sucking at the pulse point behind her ears. Scully laid her head back and sighed, releasing a long breath. She wrapped her arms around Stella's waist, gripping the fabric that was covering her, otherwise naked, body. Scully leaned back a little, giving Stella a better access to repeat her slow actions on the other side. 

Her hands glided beneath the fabric of her shirt, exploring the skin that was concealed by it. Stella ran her hands up and down her spine before she moved to the front; her perfectly trimmed fingernails grazing the soft skin, touching the underside of her breasts and Scully took a deep breath. She felt her nipples harden under her shirt, the familiar warmth deliciously spreading in her lower belly. 

"How about we take this off?" Stella whispered against her lips and gripped the hem of the shirt while Scully quietly raised her arms; she felt Stella's eyes on her and it made her fresh crawl in anticipation. She considered herself at a little disadvantage, her hands moving up Stella's side to strip her off the blanket. She smiled against Scully's lips when she noticed what she was about to do. 

"Are you trying to get me naked Dr. Scully?" she asked, her hands gently cupping Dana's breasts. 

"Seems only fair," Scully said. 

Her voice was a little shaky, Stella's hands on her breasts were slightly distracting. She felt the blood rush in her ears, her heart hammering against her chest as her senses were slowly coming alive again. 

Stella let go off Scully and loosened the knot that tied the blanket to her body, letting it slide to the floor. She sat on Scully's lap, completely naked and appeared seemingly unfazed. Dana ran her hand along her back, up and down. A soft sigh escaped Stella's lips, her breasts touching Dana's when she leaned forward. Scully's hand came to rest in her neck, wondering what to do. Her thumb slowly caressed the soft part where her hairline began. She looked at Stella and bit her lip before she pulled her a bit closer to kiss her. 

With every touch and every kiss Scully found herself relax a little more, her doubts fading into the background. She leaned back, pulling Stella with her and this time her hair softly tickled her skin while she hovered above her. Dana closed her eyes, the warmth of Stella's body surrounding her. A soft moan escaped the back of her throat when Stella finally kissed her a bit more intense, all tongue and teasing.  
It was a slow and quiet dance, the quiet after the storm and all of a sudden time seemed to stand still. The rush and the urgency that had overcome them earlier was gone; they were now moving at their own speed in their own little sanctuary and the rest of the world hidden from them. 

Dana came quietly, the pleasure raging through her like fire in her veins; clinging to Stella her body shivered through the pleasure and then it was quiet. Stella was beside her, regarding her quietly. She didn't cuddle up or held her but Dana hadn't expected her to do so and it seemed just fine. She was on her stomach, hugging her pillow just like she had earlier. Her fingers touched Scully's hand, her thumb absent-mindedly moving up and down and it was all Dana needed. Stella needed this space; she had given up so many of her own rules tonight that it threatened to overwhelm her but now that the night was setting in and things calmed down a little she caught her breath and relaxed. It didn't take long until Dana fell asleep, her chest slowly rising and falling under her slow and steady breaths. Before Stella could make up her mind she rolled on her back and closed her eyes, her consciousness slowly ebbing away. 

Her mind was drifting on the verge of sleep, stuck in the part where she couldn't tell what was real and what belonged to the depths of her imagination. She allowed her mind to return to a place she had visited a long time ago, a woman she had met while working on a case. They had a lot in common and there was something strangely soothing about her presence. Stella sighed contently as her mind drifted back to moments of comfort and caring before her body surrendered to sleep.

***

_Stella sighed, her eyes heavy with sleep. She turned her head sideways, her fingers playing with the corner of the blanket. She was naked but didn't have the urge to cover herself, to cover anything._

_Her mind was blank but she wasn't scared. It was one of those rare moments in which Stella felt safe; she wasn't ashamed of her actions, having chosen a safer way than she would have years ago. Her body felt heavy and exhausted, she couldn't move and the faintest smile appeared on her lips. Irene had been merciless tonight, pushing her almost too close to the edge but it was exactly what she had needed in some way. She saw her from the corner of her eye, moving as graceful as ever while Stella couldn't even lift a finger. Irene stepped into her vision, wearing a floor-length dark green robe with a v-neck that reached all the way to her belly button, hugging her slender body like a second skin. It was something only Irene could pull off._

_She sat on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on Stella's lips. Without another word she reached for her hand, slowly massaging the wrists where the ties had been before. She wasn't very touchy nor would she lay down and cuddle but every now and then she couldn't resist and indulge in the quiet afterglow and let that serene peacefulness wash over her. She put Stella's hand down and reached for the other, repeating her gentle massage._

_"Go to sleep," she said and pulled the soft and heavy blanket over her naked body. It wasn't a question or something that was up for discussion, it was more of an order and Stella knew better than to refuse it. It only took seconds, after closing her eyes before her body surrendered to sleep._

***

Stella opened her eyes and sat up in bed. It took her a moment to recognize her surroundings and she remembered that she was not in her own bedroom. She took a deep breath, her eyes slowly getting used to the darkness. Her sleep had been disturbed by a dream but she couldn't remember what it was. It was a faint memory; within reach but out of sight.

She leaned back against the soft pillow and looked at Dana who was still sleeping soundly beside her. Usually this was the moment she left, when her partner of the night was asleep and she had a chance to gather her clothes and sneak out. Stella briefly considered leaving but remembered the way she felt when she found her bed empty not too long ago; she couldn't do that to Dana. She looked beautiful and serene, sleeping so peacefully. In the dead of night Stella wondered what it would feel like to have Dana wrap her arms around her and cuddle up to her, to allow the other woman to hold her. She had fought against that for so many years, had told herself that she didn't need it. She wasn't the type of person who cuddled, who did the romance thing but somewhere deep inside there was a part that craved all these things. She tried to persuade herself, tried to tell herself that she didn't need it because she feared that it might touch parts that she had hidden decades ago. 

She knew that a part of her was afraid to get hurt and afraid to deal with the emotions it might free and she didn't know whether she was ready for that. She sighed and turned on her side, her fingers touching Dana's. It was a baby step in the right direction but she was willing to take it. She put her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. 

The next morning came faster than she thought, feeling like she had just closed her eyes. Dana woke just before Stella did, slipping out of bed quietly. She didn't want to wake her just yet because she looked so lovely in her sleep. Her body felt somewhat stiff, aching in all the right places for once. She went to the bathroom, wrapping herself in the soft and fluffy robe. When she returned to the room she found Stella sitting on the edge of a bed, once again dressed in nothing but a blanket, still looking pretty sleepy. 

Scully leaned against the doorframe, watching her with a slight trace of amusement. 

"You're not really a morning person aren't you?" Scully asked and Stella shook her head, rising from the bed. 

"Although I might change my mind about that," she said and walked towards Dana, slowly pushing her back into the bathroom. 

"How about a shower?" she said, closing the door behind them.

The bathroom was huge, bigger than the one she had at home. There were dark tiles on the floor; everything was dark and minimalistic but comforting somehow. There was a walk-in shower big enough for a bunch of people, suiting them just fine for the moment. 

Stella turned the shower on, filling the room with hot steam only seconds later. Scully dropped her bathrobe, stepping into the shower behind Stella. She immediately gasped at the sensation of the hot water, washing over her. She felt her nipples harden, her flesh crawl when it washed over her and she immediately reached out for Stella. The blonde put her forehead against Scully's, smiling. 

"I like it hot," she said with a smile.

"I noticed," Dana chuckled. 

"Good morning," Stella said softly, slowly feeling her senses come to life. 

"Morning," Scully breathed against her lips, her hands slowly wandering on Stella's naked body. 

"Something distracting you?" Stella asked. 

"A little…" Scully said and kissed her, pulling Stella against her own body. She had to admit that it temporarily took away her ability to form coherent thoughts. Stella inhaled deeply, parting her legs a little to give Dana a bit more space for whatever she had in mind. She felt her hands on her own thigh, softly caressing the insides. 

"I underestimated you," Stella said with a smile, putting her hand on Dana's neck to pull her in for a kiss. "You are not quite as innocent as I thought."

"I never said I was," Scully said, cupping her breast with her free hand while the other one continued her descend, dipping into Stella's wet center. The hold on her neck tightened, her breath hitched when Scully found the sensitive bundle of nerves, slowly teasing. She moved her fingers in slow circles, the way she liked it and from the way Stella's hands gripped her flesh she knew that it was greatly appreciated. Stella's lips were on her neck, her teeth against her soft skin. She was panting against her skin in no time, her fingers digging into Dana's back. 

"Fingers. Now," Stella hissed between two breaths and Dana granted her wish without wasting a moment, her fingers sliding in effortlessly. She curled them a little, just like she would she when she pleased herself. Judging by Stella's reaction she had hit just the right spot, slowly pumping her fingers in and out while her palm brushed against her clit. 

"God… Dana," she whispered against her skin. 

She quickened her pace when she felt her muscles clench around her fingers and wrapped her arm around Stella's waist, holding on to her until the orgasm ebbed off. 

She reached for her lavender shower gel, pouring some on her hands. 

"May I?" she asked; Stella nodded and turned around, Dana's hands slowly spread the gel on her back, her arms and her breasts while she hugged her from behind; Scully put her chin on her shoulder. 

"I'll leave you to it," she said quietly after a couple of minutes, placing one last kiss on her shoulder and left to give her some privacy. 

She picked up her clothes from the floor, removing all evidence of last night's shenanigans and got dressed. She wrapped her hair in a towel, applying a light make up because she'd have to go to uni later. 

"Don't bother with the lipstick," Stella said, emerging from the bathroom and Scully looked at her with a questioning look on her face. 

"I want to kiss you," Stella said. "Unless you want it smudged all over your pretty face," Stella said and Scully laughed. 

"Don't you have to get ready for work?" Scully asked and Stella took her clothes from the bed. She returned from the bathroom a few minutes later, looking just as perfect as she had last night. The only difference was the lack of make up but she didn't really need it.

"Feel free if you like," Scully said and pointed at her makeup kit but Stella shook her head. "I'll drop by my place before going to work," she said. The only good thing that came from working at her desk and not being assigned to a case was being able to do whatever the fuck she wanted. 

"You don't need it anyway," Scully said and bit her lip. 

"Are you flirting with me?"

"Maybe," Scully said and laid her arms around Stella's waist. "Tell me Stella, did you ever leave the house without makeup on? It doesn't strike me as something you would do."

"There are a lot of things I don't do, Dana," Stella said. 

"Yes, and what would that be?"

"I don't cuddle and I don't hug people," she said and made no move to step out of their embrace. "I don't dance," Stella explained and Scully smiled. "In the middle of the night, barefoot."

"That would be a strange thing to do," Scully threw in. 

"I don't kiss people, unless I want them to stay," she said and paused for a moment when she realized what she just said but Dana decided not to pick on it. 

"Interesting," she said and Stella smiled to herself, not looking at Dana. 

"I don't stay over night."

"And you don't shower with people you just met?"

"Right," Stella said and cleared her throat. "Because I don't stay over night."

"Of course you don't," Scully said and chuckled, wondering where this was going.

Something about the whole thing unsettled Stella a little, made her feel uncomfortable because, despite what Scully had assumed a couple of hours earlier, this wasn't quite so common for her either. 

"And," Stella said, clearly thinking about her words but decided to say them anyway. She had asked people out before but it didn't really matter if they refused, the problem with Dana was that a part of her was afraid she would do so. "I also don't ask people to have coffee with me after I spend the night with them…"

"Are you asking me out on a date? Again?" Scully said, clearly amused and flattered at the same time. "Well, I'd love to grab a coffee with you before work," Scully said and stepped away so they could finally get ready to leave. 

About half an hour later they left the hotel, turned right and walked past the market. 

"Where are we off to?" Scully wanted to know. She wasn't too familiar with that area so Stella led the way. 

"A cute little bakery with great coffee," Stella said. "It's a little detour but it's worth it." 

It was a quiet fifteen minute walk along the main street, past a little park with a playground at its center. They reached a small pedestrian area that wasn't quite as busy as Scully had expected it to be but the morning rush was over already. 

"Here we are," Stella said and they stepped into Gail's bakery. 

It was a cute little shop with lots of pastries, bread and other delicious baked goods on display. 

"I've never heard of that place before," Scully said. "What would you like?" she asked Stella and a few minutes later she was walking her back to her place. Scully wondered whether last night had simply been an exception and whether things would ever be the same again. 

"Thanks for bringing my dress," Scully said a couple of minutes later, a teasing smile on her face, when she remembered that Stella had pointed it out and still didn't bring it back to the hotel. 

"Come and get it," Stella said and sipped her coffee with a sideward glance at the redhead; Scully would do so another day. Stella paused when they reached the steps that led to her front door and for a brief moment she seemed unsure of what to do. She looked around the street that looked pretty much deserted at that time of the day and, no matter what they thought, no one would care about them. 

"Is this why you don't spend the night?" Scully asked with a smile and put her free hand on Stella's hip, leaning in a little. 

They were both not too keen on public displays of affection but there was no one else around and, after last night, Scully still felt a little oblivious to what was happening around her. "I didn't put lipstick on," Scully whispered against her neck and Stella chuckled, turning her head to capture her lips in a short but intense kiss. 

"Call me," Stella said, holding on to her hand while she stepped away just like Dana had a couple of nights ago and Stella thought about all the things that had changed since then, hoping that it wouldn't crash and end in a disaster at some point. 

"Have a nice day," Scully said and let go, heading down the street to go to work.


	6. Being Your Slave What Should I Do But Tend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdCBfggkbzySiZy/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdCBfggkbzySiZy/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I'm awfully sorry it took so long. It's been an incredibly busy time. I hope this chapter makes up for it!_

_Being your slave, what should I do but tend_  
Upon the hours and times of your desire?  
I have no precious time at all to spend,  
Nor services to do, till you require.  
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour  
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,  
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour  
When you have bid your servant once adieu;  
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought  
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,  
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought  
Save, where you are how happy you make those.  
So true a fool is love that in your will,  
Though you do any thing, he thinks no ill. 

_[Sonnet 57:"Being you slave, what should I do but tend" -  
William Shakespeare]_

***

Scully sighed and zipped up the black lace dress that hugged her slender form like a second skin. She stood in front of the mirror, wondering whether she should wear that. For a brief second it felt like that thing barely covered her ass and she didn't remember why she bought this or thought that this was a great idea. Considering the fact that she had already changed three times she was starting to feel frustrated and fed up so she stuck with the dress and pushed her doubts aside. There was a nagging voice in the back of her head, telling her to stay at home but she had promised Mulder to accompany him and she couldn't let him done now.

It could be worse, she told herself when she started applying makeup. She had forgotten about the Halloween party and the day had come without her even noticing it. The last three weeks had been particularly exhausting, and lonely. Scully paused for a moment and gripped the edge of the sink with both hands. She was torn between going to that damn party and just bail out to see Stella. She bit her lip, trying to ignore the sudden sadness that spread inside her chest. She hadn't expected that but she hadn't been able to shake it off within the last couple of days. She had to cover for a sick colleague at the hospital which had barely left her with enough time to go to London and hold her lectures, let alone see Stella. 

She had briefly met Stella about two weeks ago. She had just finished her lectures, rushing back to her car to get ready for her shift in the hospital when she walked around the corner. It almost seemed like Stella had been in a hurry. She had walked down this way on purpose with the intent on running into Scully.

***

_Scully felt a wave of relief wash over her when Stella came into view and for an instant she thought she was close to tears._

_She wanted to hug her, kiss her because she had missed her. She had missed her more than she ever thought she would. It surprised her because they had only just met but she had missed her with every fiber of her being. Stella smiled at her without saying a word and for a couple of seconds they simply looked at each other, both wondering what to do. Stella looked as gorgeous as ever but Scully noticed that she seemed exhausted. She knew they had been trying to deal with some pretty nasty stuff recently and Stella had been forced to put in a lot of over-time._

_Stella looked at the woman in front of her and there was a gentle pressure on her chest, something she wasn't used to. It wasn't a feeling she was familiar with but she tried to breathe right through it. For the first time in over a week she had been able to get away from headquarters a little bit early, giving her the slightest chance at catching Dana before she had to return to Oxford for a night shift at the hospital. She had texted her around lunch time because she didn't have the heart to talk to her. She had blamed it on exhaustion and a lack of time but now that she stood in front of her she noticed that it had been something else entirely._

_She had missed her during the last couple of days; that had been the only thing that had kept her from making that phone call. A part of her wanted to hear Dana's voice but deep inside she knew that an even bigger part would be tremendously sad in case it hadn’t worked out again. She couldn't bear to hear the disappointment in her voice so she hadn’t called. Stella had given up on fighting this. Whatever it was, she couldn't deny that she wanted to see Dana and that she wanted to spend time with her. She had managed to leave early and walked by her own flat down the road to the university. She was relieved when she saw Dana by her car. For an instant she thought she'd been too late; she looked at the redhead, trying to figure out what to do._

_She wanted to kiss and touch her but even more then that she simply wanted to hold her. Stella had never been clingy or cuddly but the past week had been particularly exhausting, leaving her shattered and feeling rather lonely. She simply needed a reminder that she hadn't gone completely numb on the inside._

_She felt unsure, trying to do the right thing. She didn't want to screw it up and before she managed to make up her mind Dana held out her hand and Stella took it, her thumb softly caressing the back of her hand._

_"I missed you," Dana said softly, her heart suddenly pounding against her chest. She felt nervous, wondering if that was too much. She didn't mean to be clingy, didn't want to scare Stella away. She knew that Stella had stayed away from all of this for most of her life and Scully didn't want to lose her._

_Stella bit her lip, her heart swelling unexpectedly. She wanted to say it, wanted to tell her that this was exactly what she had been feeling but she couldn't do it. She felt her heart pounding against her chest, felt nervous and irritated the because she didn't know what to do._  
She wanted to hug Dana, wanted to hold her. She wanted to be held while some other part of her wanted to turn around and walk away. She was exhausted and confused, feeling incredibly overwhelmed. They were in a public place and they weren't on their own, what if someone saw them?   
She had no idea whether that was what Dana wanted. 

_Was that what she wanted?_

_They hadn't had time to talk about this, about any of this. She still didn't know where this was going or what she wanted but she knew that she was in trouble; no one would get out of this unscathed any longer._

_Dana sensed her discomfort, the sudden inability to do the right thing and she understood; it was tiring. She held on to Stella's hand and pulled her a little closer. If she couldn't kiss her, because some of her colleagues might be watching, she could always hold her. There was nothing wrong with hugging a friend and it was no one's business, for that matter. Stella closed the distance between them with a step, leaning into Scully._  
Slowly, Dana put her arms around Stella and leaned her head on her shoulder. She knew that they missed each other although Stella might not be capable of showing or saying it. Stella's arms rested around her hips, gently pulling her closer. She was hugging her back, holding on to her and it was all Scully needed at this moment.   
It was a cold and rather unpleasant late-October day and there was hardly any daylight left. Dusk was setting in, taking away the last bits of daylight. It was chilly but somehow they managed to find a little bit of warmth for themselves. Scully closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. She smelled the crisp winter air, rain and wet leaves; she smelled Stella and it was utterly soothing. 

_Stella closed her eyes for a moment. It was almost dark and no one would see them. While she held Dana in her arms she thought that she didn't want anyone to see them because this was their secret, their comfort and it was the one thing that had kept Stella going through these awful and shattering hours at the office every day.  
She had passed every single, dreadful hour within the last week with the thought of returning to Dana sooner or later. There was a dull ache in her chest, a reminder that these moments might not last forever. _

_What if things ended before they had even started?_

_She didn't do these relationship things, she didn't get involved and she was terrified that Dana would change her mind and walk out on her. She wasn't used to being rejected, she didn't want to get hurt although it might be too late for that now._

_"Stella," Scully whispered softly._

_She didn't have much time left but she couldn't bring herself to get out of the embrace. She needed this and she had to fight against the part inside of her that wanted to call in sick at the hospital and stay with Stella but she knew she couldn't do that. She raised her head from Stella's shoulder and gently leaned it against her forehead. The skin was cold and their breaths coming out hot against their faces._

_What a strange thing that was, Scully thought._

_The emotions that felt so wonderful were also the ones that sometimes hurt the most. There was a strange longing for impossible things, a desire for what could have been or what might once be. There was regret for not being someone else, for not being with someone else. There was frustration because she failed to deal with all of this, and there was loneliness.  
At the centre of the mess that surrounded her she still felt incredibly lonely. She didn't know what she wanted and it drove her crazy. For the time being she wanted to be with Stella but what if she changed her mind one day? What if she decided that this was not what she wanted; that she had stayed away from getting attached to someone else for a very good reason. Scully bit her lip, trying to keep her emotions in check. She didn't want to cry; she wouldn't even know why and she didn't want to appear silly. _

_Stella raised her hand from Scully's hip, her hand resting soft and warm against Scully's cheek. She put her own hand on top of Stella's and leaned in to the touch, closing her eyes. She felt the pressure on her chest and all of a sudden the tiniest sob escaped her lips; for an instant Stella felt her heart break into a thousand little pieces._  
She caught the tear from the corner of Scully's eye with her thumb before it ran down her cheek and closed the distance between them. She didn't care if anyone was around, watching them. It was dark by now and she didn't know what else to do, except offering the much needed comfort to Dana and to herself.   
Stella felt a sigh leave her lips when she captured Dana's. The kiss was slow at first, turning more urgent by the second. She didn't know how much time had passed by the time they parted, flushed despite the cold and slightly panting. Scully didn't want to leave. She didn't want to be confused and alone. 

_"I should go," Scully whispered against Stella's lips the same way she had the night they met but this time she didn't want to run away. "I have to," she tried half-heartedly, her voice was nothing but a whisper._

_"Stay with me," Stella whispered, surprising herself for a moment but she wouldn't take it back because this was exactly what she wanted._

_"Please don't," Scully begged her, her resolve slowly crumbling. "Please don't ask me to stay when you know I can't," she begged, her voice breaking just a little and Stella hated herself for wanting her to be around so much, for asking her to stay. What she hated most though was the fact that she was in this position after all. Torn between going back to someone who didn't make her feel good and something that appeared to be the right thing to do._

_Stella had not really seen the sadness but she had known that it was there. They both had their issues and their disappointments to deal with and they had both suffered, hidden from plain sight, carrying their pain within themselves.  
Scully looked up, meeting Stella's eyes and the pain she found was just as excruciating as it was soothing. She knew she wasn't the only one who was suffering at this very moment; she wasn't alone. _

_"Come one, I'll drop you off at home," Scully said and turned around before she changed her mind once and for all. Stella walked around the car and got in. The drive to Stella's place was short and quiet. Scully stopped the car by the house and waited. Stella leaned back with a sigh without wanting to get out of the car._

_"Dana," Scully said quietly. There were so many words on her mind, so many things she needed to say but she found herself unable to do so. She looked down at her hands, nervously fidgeting in her lap. "I meant to call you earlier…" Stella said because she didn't know what else to say._

_"Why didn't you?" Scully asked. "I would have loved to hear your voice," Scully said and turned her head to look at the woman beside her._

_"I was afraid of that," Stella admitted quietly without looking at Dana._

_She was surprised and touched at the same time. All of a sudden Stella appeared utterly vulnerable. She knew that this was the side that Stella kept hidden from people most of the time, but now that they were in their own she felt a little bit safer; safe enough to let her guard down for a fleeting moment._

_"I really wanted to but I was afraid that I would be even sadder if I didn't get to see you," she whispered calmly and Dana was close to tears again._

_I missed you, Stella said without actually saying it and Dana understood._

_Scully sighed with a heavy feeling in her heart. She was at a loss and it was infuriating. She had dealt with this for decades; with unsolved mysteries that only raised more questions instead of bringing closure. She didn't want this any longer._

_"I don't know what to do," Scully whispered, sounding defeated. "I have to go to the hospital tonight," she said weakly, there was no excitement in her voice whatsoever. "But I need to see you.“_

_She looked at Stella who understood. She needed Stella, needed her gentle hands on her bare skin. She needed something that made her feel alive. Her heartbeat against Stella's, softly drumming while they caught their breaths. She wanted to wrap her arms around Stella, feel her skin on skin, and fall asleep in her arms._

_"Can you come to London a week from today?" Stella asked into the silence that had settled upon them._

_It was Halloween and Stella hated it. Once a typical American thing this evening had soon taken a turn for the worst as everyone was using it as an excuse to dress up in slutty costumes and get hideously trashed. She didn't like dressing up in the common sense, although pretending to be someone else, was sometimes an incredibly liberating thing to do. Dana was American but, for the love of God, Stella couldn't picture her being a friend of slutty nurse costumes._

_"That's Halloween," Dana said and her hopes went down the drain._

_"Yes," Stella said, knowing that something was up._

_"I can't," Scully said and it physically pained her to do so. "Mulder asked me to join him for this fancy Halloween party that the alumni threw at university each year. I promised him to come along quite some time ago and I... I just can't let him down now," Scully said and Stella's face showed brief signs of disapproval but she knew better than to point it out._

_She looked at Dana and hated the fact that she beat herself up about all of this; that she was so incredibly conflicted. As far as Stella was concerned Mulder had done nothing but let her down within the last couple of years and here she was, refusing to meet Stella because of him but she decided not to take it personal. She knew they had spent half their lives together and they had gone through things that she couldn't even imagine and she didn't want to judge Dana.  
"I'll be in London on Monday after that," Scully offered. "If you still want to meet me then,“ she said and Stella noticed that she was afraid that she would let her down sooner or later._

_"I will wait for you," Stella said honestly and it wasn't a commitment she made often; she also had other things in mind already but she couldn't tell._

_Dana leaned in for one last, lingering kiss before she watched Stella get out of the car and walk into the house. There was a heavy pressure on her chest and she felt somewhat numb, spending the drive back to Oxford in silence. She paused for an instant when she parked the car and all of a sudden her eyes filled with tears as a sense of longing washed over her. She was frustrated and insecure; a part of her was still afraid that Stella would simply walk away one day. What if she got be fed up with Scully for not being able to make up her mind or that she just didn't find her attractive any longer. She sat in the car and cried for about five minutes before she managed to pull herself together and started working._

***

She finished her makeup for the night, her eyeshadow the color of shimmering brown, almost copper that equalled her hair color. Her lips were painted in a deep, dark purple that made her blue eyes shine like sparkling stars against the night sky. Scully sighed and reached for the mask. It was black like her dress; black and simple but certainly elegant and mysterious.  
She had been mildly relieved when she had found out that the party was intended to be a masquerade party and not some neighborhood costume party where everyone insisted you dress up, trying only half-heartedly to please the host. She didn't like dressing up, especially not when being forced to. She didn't feel like herself when doing so and although this might be the point of it all, she didn't like it. It always felt like everyone was watching her and it made her uncomfortable. God knows being a redhead made her stand out enough as it was. She had learned to love it, to embrace it but being blonde would most certainly help to hide among the crowd.  
She slipped on the mask, covering her eyes, and looked at her own reflection. For the shortest moment she was mesmerized by what she saw; she could be anyone she wanted to be and suddenly it felt liberating. Fascinated by what a simple mask could bring she straightened her spine and took a deep breath, strengthening herself for the night ahead. She thought about all those times that she had been wearing masks, when she did something to please another person or to make someone happy while she neglected her own needs at the same time.  
She didn't know how many different selves she carried within herself; she was the good girl, the successful career woman, the smart one. There were many different selves within her that ensured her survival but every now and then it overwhelmed her, leading to not knowing who she was any longer. It sometimes felt like she couldn't remove them; remove these masks any longer without removing some of her own skin. It was wearing her out because faking was tiring. The most exhausting activity was always pretending to be someone she knew she wasn't.  
If only Stella could see me now, she thought with a faint trace of sadness. She stepped out of the bathroom, heard Mulder fuzzing around in the kitchen. She felt stronger and safe for the moment. She could hide behind the little mask and pretend, if only for one night, that things were just like they were supposed to be.  
Mulder looked up when she walked in and she almost laughed out loud when she saw the expression on his face. All of a sudden it felt like they were about twenty years younger, before life had taken a turn for the worst and he had adored her, fallen in love with her and cherished her without giving too much away. It was the memory of a time when things weren't quite so bitter and painful and, although it might simply last for this one night, it felt greatly appreciated.

"You look wonderful," he said quietly. 

He watched her while she approached him and he could tell that something about her was different tonight but he had absolutely no clue what it was. The dress she wore clung to her body like a second skin, highlighting the attractive curves of her slender body. She was beautiful, more so than she had ever been to him and he wondered why he had failed to notice that so often in the past. The dress she wore was shorter than anything he had seen her wear before, not quite the Scully-like attire she usually dressed herself in; it seemed like her dress was dangerously short but he wouldn't complain.

He held out his hand and she took it.

"Thank you," she said, blushing a little. 

She was glad that the mask was hiding most of her face. She allowed Mulder to pull her into a gentle hug and stayed there for a while; his arms felt comforting and reassuring around her body.

"Ready to go?" He asked and she nodded. 

The car ride was quiet; a long-reigning silence had settled upon them when they were both lost in their own thoughts. All of a sudden it felt like she had her Mulder back; they were heading to some kind of party, that he had talked her into, investigating some weird case and it required them to be in fancy dress. She almost laughed at that thought before the gloomy feeling, she had had earlier, seized her once more.

How long would it last? 

How long until this tenderness would fade and vanish like a sandcastle on the beach when the waves crushed everything you built within seconds? How long would it take him to notice that something was going on; that she was having an affair?   
Scully looked out of the window and closed her eyes for a moment. She wondered if he already knew and simply didn't care or if he was entirely oblivious to what was happening. Scully wasn't sure which option hurt a little more. It seemed weird to be saying it out loud, if only in her mind but that's what it was. She was having an affair, something she had never considered possible; never even dreamed that this might be something she would get herself involved in. She had been looking for something safe and secure; a steady relationship and now she found herself in the centre of a terrible mess. She, after all people, was having an affair and she had no clue where this was heading.

What if all of this ended in a disaster, leaving all three of them heartbroken and alone in the end?

She sighed, as the lights of the city passed by, trying to push these thoughts away for the night. She played with the idea of getting hideously drunk, it was free after all. She hated surrendering control like this but it seemed like the only way to silence the thoughts in her mind. She needed them to leave her alone for a couple of hours, but what if she turned into a really sappy drunk and ended up crying over the mess that was now her life?   
It didn't seem too appealing but she decided to take it slow and see what the night would bring.  
A couple of minutes later they got out of the car. It was one of those ancient buildings in the city centre. Scully smiled because that thought seemed wrong somehow since almost all buildings around here were incredibly old, but beautifully so. Scully took one last deep breath, feeling Mulder's hand on the small of her back, leading the way.   
For a moment she felt unsure, her attire stressing her a little. They stepped into the brightly lit foyer and a wave of relief washed over her when she realized that she fit in perfectly. The room was filled with laughter and elegantly dressed people, most of them wearing brightly colored, sparkly masks and Scully thought that this was the strangest Halloween party she had ever been to. These people knew how to throw a decadent party and Scully was intrigued; the atmosphere was carefree and there was something sexy about it.

"Do you know all these people?" Scully wondered, leaning over to Mulder. He was smiling at her and shrugged.

"Not really," he admitted. "I know a few of them from uni but most of these people are strangers to me," he explained and Scully wondered whether he was secretly investigating one of his cases when she decided that she didn't want to know. 

A part of her was still terribly exhausted after the last couple of days or almost weeks, but a change of scenery was more than welcome.  
It was almost midnight by the time Scully left their table. She had had more drinks than she first thought, realizing it the moment she started walking but it didn't bother her for a second. She quietly laughed to herself, taking calculated and deliberate steps until she got used to her condition.   
She wandered through the crowds and looked around; blindly wandering among these strangers. Hidden behind a mask that took away all her insecurities and fears she smiled to herself. For just one night she was one of them; indulging in the carelessness that swept through these halls. The faint laughter, the freedom and the common attraction that now reigned within these walls put her on the edge with anticipation and longing. She had no idea who these people were and it was slightly comforting that they didn't know her either. She could do as she pleased and no one would give a damn because she would never see them again.  
Scully felt their eyes on her body, looking at her with appreciation. With a little less alcohol not too long ago this would have made her feel uncomfortable somehow but now she allowed it and it felt good. She wanted them to see her but no one would get to touch; the only person she wanted right now was about an hour and a half away and pretty much out of reach.

Scully pushed her way through the crowds, touching people as she walked by and there was just a little more physical contact than she usually allowed. There was laughter, alcohol and there was sex in the air. It was a dangerously tempting atmosphere that challenged her. The lights were dimmed, there was soft music playing somewhere in the background and it lulled her in, a drunken haze gently clouding her mind. She put all that aside, felt their eyes burn on her bare skin when she walked past.   
The air felt heavy and sticky, loaded with sweet temptations. Her heart hammered against her chest, made her feel light-headed when she made her way to the bar, slipped on one of the stools and ordered another drink; her dress slid up her thigh a little when she sat but she didn't bother to fix it. Quietly she watched the display in front of her. People were dancing, mingling and laughing. She saw people kissing and hugging in the darker corners, messing around like teenagers in love. She smiled and envied them at the same time.  
Mulder was somewhere at the other side of the room, talking to some old friends. While he was clearly enjoying himself she had found herself growing tired of the conversation after a couple of minutes. She had tried to get involved but had given up real soon. She couldn't be arsed to try so she sat there and sipped her drink while she quietly surveyed the room. She had been working on getting drunk, hoping to make the time pass a little faster and it had worked but she considered the on-going chit chat to be just as boring so she excused herself and made her way through the hall, toward the bar where she was now sitting all by herself.  
Scully sighed, wondering whether it was time to call it a night. She could always blame it on an exhausting working week, pretending to be shattered and ready to go home. She would take a taxi and leave Mulder be. She opened her purse to retrieve her phone when she felt it vibrating, the screen lighting up with an incoming message. Her heart skipped a beat out of pure joy when she saw who it was from. The initial surprise turned into a sudden confusion when she read what it said:

_"Turn around.“_

Slowly, she turned in her seat, her eyes curiously scanning the crowd and her heart skipped a beat when she saw her. She stood there in the midst of all these people, dressed in a strapless dark purple dress that reached all the way to the floor. Her face was hidden behind a matching mask, her hair tied back in a simple but beautiful up-do.   
Their gazes met, her bright blue eyes sparkling behind the mask, and Scully slowly rose from her seat. She felt her heart nervously hammering inside her chest, her fingers trembling with anticipation. As if in trance her feet carried her to the beautiful woman waiting in the centre of the room. She was mesmerized and for a moment there was no one else around them. The voices in the room faded into something far away and all that mattered was Stella. Without ever losing her out of sight Scully closed the distance between them; she laid a hand on Stella's hip and pulled her closer.

"Dance with me, Dana," Stella whispered against the soft skin of her neck and a shiver ran down Scully's spine, a smile spreading on her lips. 

Dana found herself melting into the embrace, softly swaying with the other woman. She was lulled in by the moment, allowing it to happen. Her eyes slowly wandered to Stella's lips, fighting the urge to lean in for a kiss. She wasn't aware of what was happening around her; it was everything she longed for and everything that broke her heart.

"What are you doing here?" Scully whispered under her breath when the situation slowly sank in and filled her with anxiety. She was on cloud nine but that didn't last long. 

What if Mulder was watching them?

"You shouldn't be drinking alone," Stella said and put her hand on the small of Scully's back, guiding her away from the spotlight.

Scully followed her without looking around. Stella led her to one of the cozier looking booths far away from everyone's attention; there were two drinks waiting on the small table already.  
Stella sat down and leaned back with a drink in her hand. Crossing her legs she motioned for Dana to join her. Scully watched her in adoring silence for a moment, wondering if this was what falling in love felt like; it had been so long that she wasn't quite so sure anymore. She sat down next to Stella, leaning against her slender form. Her flesh was tingling with anticipation.   
She sensed the warmth of Stella's body and there was something incredibly sexy about the whole thing. It felt so wrong for her to be here while Mulder was somewhere at the other side of the room, but the alcohol had lowered her inhibitions and she felt bold and incredibly turned on.

"He is here," Scully whispered urgently, nodding toward the hall. "What if he sees us?“

"So?" Stella said with a mischievous grin. 

She wasn't quite so sure why this was so much of a deal for Dana. She understood that all of this was confusing for her but what she didn't get was why Dana went back to him, even felt obliged to do so. It made her furious but she wasn't in any position to interfere. It was something Dana had to do all by herself and Stella would endure it quietly, hoping that she would find the strength to get out of it sooner than later. As far as Stella was concerned she didn't owe him a damn thing.  
Dana looked into her glass, her finger tracing its edge while she avoided looking at the woman, trying to gather her thoughts. She knew that her cheeks were flushed and she felt the warmth radiating through her body and most of it was to blame on the alcohol she had already consumed but being this close to Stella and not being able to touch drove her crazy. Stella watched her through her mask, her eyes glistening in the semi darkness; her pupils were dilated and it spoke of danger and temptation.

"What if we only just met?" Stella suggested and Scully sighed. 

She shifted a little in her place, moving her body towards Stella. Her dress rode up her thigh, revealing the bare skin beneath. She felt Stella's eyes on her and didn't bother to do anything about it. Stella sipped her drink, keeping the glass in her hand. Her lips were wet, her tongue slowly tracing them. Scully sighed, sensing the sticky arousal between her legs. There was a soft, tingling feeling that spread all around her aching center; she pressed her thighs together, trying not to give in to it.

"If he was a smart man he wouldn't have left you out of sight for one goddamn second," Stella spoke in a low voice. 

Scully clung to her every word, her eyes glued to Stella’s lips while she spoke and her mind wondered what it would be like to kiss her. She found herself looking at Stella's cleavage, getting a little distracted.

"His loss," Stella said in a low voice, emptied her glass and put her hand on Scully's knee, that was still a little bruised from the fall. 

Scully took a deep breath and leaned her head on her hand, instantly parting her legs a little. Stella's hand was warm and soft against her thigh. She imagined all the things she wanted to do to Stella, all the different ways she wanted to touch her and it slowly soaked her panties. It was only a matter of time until she smelled her own arousal and it was entrancing. It was such a pity that things were only perfect as long as you kept quiet but what was the point of this thing that made them feel so good if they couldn't talk about it or openly show it?

"I like the dress," Stella said and her thumb gently caressed her thigh, gliding a little lower from time to time. 

Scully bit her lip and closed her eyes, remembering that the dress, which she wore the first night they met, was still at Stella's. 

"You look absolutely stunning," she whispered and Scully held her gaze; Mulder had already vanished from her mind and there was no one but Stella. She wanted her so much that it was almost unbearable.

"You didn't…" Scully said, clearing her throat. Stella's hand was still on her thigh, her fingernails slowly caressing the soft skin. "You didn't answer my question," Scully whispered and put her hand on top of Stella's to keep her from gliding a little lower. 

That was exactly where she wanted Stella to touch her but she wouldn't want her to do so in front of a bunch of strangers. She entwined their fingers and sighed. 

"How did you know?" Scully asked and tilted her head a little.

"You insult me, love," Stella said with a smile. "You told me about the party, it wasn't all too hard to figure out which one it would be," she watched Dana as she raised their entwined hands to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of Stella’s.

"You look incredibly hot," Scully whispered. "I want you so much." 

Stella watched her quietly, mesmerized by what was happening. The entire moment was so incredibly arousing that it took her breath away. Her nipples hardened against the soft fabric of her dress and she was sure her panties would be soaked by now, had she been wearing any. She thought about all the things she wanted to do to the woman, who was driving her crazy right now; how much prettier the dress would be when it pooled at her feet and she was dressed in nothing but her lacy underwear and those gorgeous fuck-me heels.

"You are drunk," Stella said somewhat amused.

"So?" Scully asked and looked around the room. Mulder was still nowhere in sight.

"Come on," Stella said and rose, holding out her hand. Scully looked at her, confused for a moment.

"What are you doing?" she asked and took the outstretched hand. Stella pulled her close, whispering against her neck: "I want to fuck you.“

Before her mind had a chance to catch up with what Stella had just said she followed her through the crowd, leading her to one of the restrooms. They were just as fancy as the rest of the party, looking rather cosy for a restroom. The light was dimmed and the interior of the room was kept in light creme colors. There was a huge mirror lining the wall by the sinks.   
Scully stepped in after Stella and it was quiet the moment the door closed behind them. She stepped in front of the mirror and all of a sudden she didn't feel invisible anymore. She liked what she saw, felt the blood rush through her veins and her heart beat furiously in her chest. Stella stepped behind her, pressing her body against Dana's; she leaned in and tilted her head back.

"You are amazing," Stella whispered against her neck. "Do you know what you're doing to me?" she asked in a low voice while her hands snaked around Scully's waist, cupping her breasts.

She squeezed them, teasing her nipples through the fabric of her dress. She arched her back, leaning into the touch; she put a hand in Stella's neck, pulling her closer. Her lips parted in silent pleasure and she felt a little dizzy but she relied on Stella not to let her down. At this moment she hardly thought about doing the wrong thing because it all felt so right. She felt the sticky wetness between her legs, her clit softly throbbing, aching to be touched. She turned around in the embrace and pulled Stella against her body, capturing her lips in a messy, urgent kiss.  
The finest pleasures were always the most unexpected ones, Stella thought when she met Dana's tongue. She let it join hers as they explored each other's mouths almost desperately.  
She cupped Stella's face; breathing hot against her lips she drew the softest moan from the blonde.

"What if…" Scully whispered when bits and pieces of rational thinking invaded her mind. "What if… someone…" she said between chaste kisses and Stella took her hand, leading them to one of the cabins at the far end of the room and locked the door behind them. 

Before Scully had a chance to protest Stella's lips were on hers, trapping her between the wall and the weight of her own body. She tilted her head back, giving Stella better access to the bare skin of her neck, their purses dropping to the floor.  
Stella left a trail of kisses along her throat, gently sucking the sensitive skin and Scully prayed that she wouldn't leave any marks behind because she had absolutely no chance at hiding them. She kissed her, touching the tiny golden cross that hung around her neck. Dana's hands were on her ass, squeezing while she kept her close and Stella smiled against her. Her tongue slowly licked her skin where her lips had just been, all the way up to her chin and Scully's slightly swollen lips. She tasted salty and sweet; it tasted like trouble. She chuckled against Scully's lips when her hands cupped her beautiful breasts, slowly peeling away the dress; she didn't wear a bra.

"You're killing me, Dana," Stella whispered, her fingers teasing her already sensitive nipples.

"I… I want…" Scully tried but Stella's hands were teasing her meticulously and it took away her ability to form coherent thoughts.  
"What do you want?" Stella asked, grinning to herself. "You want to know what I want?" Stella asked and pinched Dana's nipples with two fingers, drawing the sweetest moans from her.

"Yes," Scully whispered under her breath, her chest heaving.

"I want to fuck you," Stella whispered hot against the soft skin, kissing the pulse point behind her ear and Scully whined quietly. "I want to taste you," Stella whispered against her collarbone, her teeth nipping at the skin. 

She felt Dana's hands on her back, her fingernails digging into her skin. "I want to make you cum with my tongue," she whispered, feeling her own arousal between her legs. 

She smelled it, smelled Dana and it made her a little dizzy. There was a smile on Dana's lips; her head was tilted back and her eyes closed.

"Just… fuck me," Scully whispered and cupped Stella's face with both hands, pulling her in for a kiss. 

She was so turned on, her body tensed and she was running out of time. She needed this now and she needed it fast.

"I'd love to taste you," Stella said against her lips. "But there's no way I'm going down on my knees here," she said and Scully chuckled. 

She parted her legs, giving Stella a bit more space. Her skilled fingers abandoned her breasts, traveling to where she needed it most.

"Shit, you are so wet," Stella hissed, her fingers finding the soft spot at Scully's aching centre. 

Her fingers gently circled the soaked fabric of her panties. Scully arched her back a little, trying to increase the friction. She bit her lip, trying to stop the moans from escaping her lips. She inhaled sharply, her breaths coming in short huffs. They were, after all, still in a very public place and chances were pretty good that someone would walk in sooner than later. She cupped Stella's breasts with both hands, squeezing almost a little too hard. She felt her erect nipples through the fabric and Stella's breath hitched a little; it wasn't quite as even as it had been a few minutes ago. She pushed her panties aside, dipping into the wetness she found. Slowly, she spread the juices with her fingers, circling her wet and aching clit.

"Oh God…" Scully whispered when she finally touched her where she desperately needed it. 

She felt the warmth spread in her lower belly all the way to her toes and her fingertips. She whined in protest when Stella took her hand away. 

"Look at me," Stella said in a low voice. 

Scully opened her eyes; Stella's cheeks were flushed and her pupils dilated. There was almost nothing but darkness and desire. Scully watched her raise her fingers to her own lips, sucking it slowly. She put two fingers on Scully's, a wicked grin on her face; she watched Dana slowly suck her own juices off her fingers. It was a strange sensation to taste herself on Stella's fingers. It was salty and sweet, musky and something unique.

"You're driving me crazy," Stella whispered and kissed her with her own fingers still on Scully's lips. 

She put her hand back where it was needed most, circling her aching clit. She ran her fingers through slick and swollen folds, slowly pushing two fingers inside. She quickly found that soft spot, curling her fingers a little. She felt Dana moaning into her mouth, muffling the pleasure with her lips. She moved her fingers slow and deliberately, breaking the kiss to catch her breath.

"Shhhh," she hissed when Scully parted her lips on a soft moan. 

Stella put her other hand on Scully's mouth, trying to keep her from giving them away while her fingers never ceased to pleasure her. Stella felt her muscles contract around her fingers, her juices all over her hand. She wouldn't last much longer so Stella shifted a little, the palm of her hand rubbing her clit every time she moved her fingers. At the other side of the room, they heard a door open and Scully slowly came back to her senses, if that was possible in any way. Stella kept her mouth covered with her hand.

"Just be quiet," Stella whispered and showed no intention of slowing her fingers down a little.  
"Scully?" he called and her eyes widened in shock; Stella laughed and bit her lip. "Scully, are you in here?" he asked and she instantly prayed that he wouldn't come in.

Stella took her hand from Scully's mouth, not out of her pussy though. She leaned her body weight against Scully, lazily continuing to finger her. Scully took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice.

"Mulder?" she said loudly, trying to sound composed and just fine. "What the…" she began and tried not to think of Stella's fingers slowly teasing her g-spot. "What the hell… are you doing in here? This is the ladies room!" She said and Stella chuckled against her throat. 

She pressed her thighs together but it did nothing to slow her down.

"I was starting to worry," he said and Stella tried to figure out what he looked like. She had now heard his voice and knew a few things from their past and she didn't like him so far. "You were gone forever.“

"I just…" Scully looked at Stella, quietly begging her to stop but she just shook her head. "I met someone.“

"Are you okay?" Mulder asked.

"Yes, yes," Scully said urgently, a fine layer of sweat now covering her body.

She closed her eyes, trying not to come while Mulder was still within earshot. 

"We just spent some… time chatting," Scully said rather desperately. "Would you leave the bloody ladies room? I'll be there in a minute!“

"All right," he said and they listened for the sound of the door closing behind him. 

A wave of relief washed over her, followed by the pleasure that she had tried to keep under control. Stella felt her muscles clamp around her fingers; she clung to Stella, moaning against the crook of her neck when the orgasm rushed through her body. She shivered with pleasure and the sudden chill when her body came down from that high. She felt exhausted for the moment, her body gone limp. She leaned her weight against Stella, trying to catch her breath. The mask had slipped from her eyes and she pushed it off, taking a deep breath. She leaned back against the wall, pulling Stella with her. She captured her lips in an open-mouthed kiss before she raised her hands, gently pushing the mask from Stella's face.

"You are unbelievable," Scully said and laughed.

"So I've heard," Stella said and Scully pulled her closer, turning her around at the same time so that Stella was the one facing the wall. 

The blonde was mildly surprised. It had caught her off guard but she couldn't even be mad. She had her back turned towards Scully, her hands and elbows flat against the wall. Scully took a step back, appreciating the sight in front of her. Stella turned her head a little, looking over her shoulder.

"You only have a minute," Stella mocked her while Scully pulled her dress up, covering her breasts. "Before he comes looking for you again," she said with a smile.

"I intend to make this quick,“ Scully promised and stepped behind Stella. 

She pressed her breasts against Stella's back and heard her moan softly. She put her forehead against her hands, looking down. 

"I just wish you had chosen a more convenient attire," Scully whispered against her neck.

"It wasn't quite what… what I had in mind earlier," Stella whispered. 

She felt Dana's hands on her hips, slowly hauling up the dress with both hands until she managed to slip her hand beneath the fabric.

"Spread your legs," Scully whispered against Stella's neck, making her shiver in anticipation. 

She felt utterly confident all of a sudden and Stella couldn't even be mad. She didn't like being bossed around but this was so sexy that she couldn't help but obey to her every wish. She arched her back a little and parted her legs, waiting expectantly.  
It didn't take long for Dana to notice that Stella wasn't wearing any underwear.  
"Oh fuck," Scully whispered against the bare skin of Stella's neck when she found her just as wet, knowing that this probably wouldn't last long indeed.

She moved her finger through the slick and swollen folds, parting them before she slipped two fingers inside. She sighed, feeling Stella's body tense. She gradually increased her pace, drawing the sweetest sounds from Stella. She reached around Stella with her other hand, found her clit and teased in slow circling movements.

"Oh God," Stella whispered, softly panting. "Don't stop.“

Scully leaned her weight against the blonde, holding her when she came on a strangled moan. A shiver ran through her body, setting every nerve on fire. Scully withdrew her hands while Stella tried to catch her breath. She wasn't used to letting someone take control like that but she usually didn't fuck in fancy restrooms either so decided not to bother, trusting Dana.

"You are incredible," Stella said and turned around, capturing Scully’s lips for one last kiss.

"What are we gonna do?" Scully asked and leaned her forehead against Stella's. 

The other woman wasn't sure whether she was referring to their situation now or the whole thing in general. The truth was that she had no clue either.

"I don't know," Stella admitted. "But we need to get you cleaned up first. You look… fucked," she said and they both laughed. 

They picked up their purses and put their clothes back in place, slowly opening the door to make sure they were still on their own. Scully stepped in front of the mirror, feeling the sticky remains of her arousal on her inner thighs.  
Her face was flushed and she was glowing, carrying that afterglow quite well. At the same time her hair was a little messy, her mask wasn't where it should be and her dark purple lipstick was all over the place. Quietly they set off to remove all evidence of their previous shenanigans and after a couple of minutes they were simply two women fixing their makeup in the restroom.

"Are you going to leave?" Scully asked when all was done and taken care of. She stood in front of Stella, knowing the answer already.  
"You know I can't stay," Stella said and there was the faintest trace of sadness in her voice. "Not tonight," She took the mask from her hand and put it back in place, covering Scully's eyes and let Dana do the same for her.

"Don't be sad," Stella said and leaned in to whisper something in her ear that no one else was supposed to hear.

"I'll will pick you up from work in two days," she whispered. "Then I will touch you and taste you and fuck you until you won't remember your name," she said and kissed her once more. "Good night, Dana," she said.

"Good night," Scully said and Stella left. 

She allowed herself two more minutes to gather her thoughts, straightening her spine before she stepped out and made her way back to the table.

"There you are," Mulder said and rose from his chair. 

Scully hoped that he wouldn't hug her because she probably smelled like alcohol, sex and cunt. 

"Are you okay?" he asked and she nodded.

"Yes, thank you," she said. "I just met a very nice lady and we chatted for a while," she said, thinking that it wasn't a complete lie. 

She sat down next to him, realizing that some of his friend's had left the table already. She reached for Mulder's half-finished drink, thinking that she could use one. Her little get-together with Stella had sobered her up somehow.  
Mulder looked at her with an amused look on his face and Scully shrugged her shoulders.

"You are quiet," he said about an hour later and sat down next to her.

"I'm drunk and tired," she said with a smile, trying to stifle a yawn.

"Wanna go home?" he asked and she nodded. "I'll call a cab.“

***

The next morning came too fast, too loud and far too bright. Scully woke up, refusing to open her eyes. Her body still felt heavy with sleep and she was most definitely hungover. There was a throbbing headache and she felt slightly nauseous, not remembering the last time she had a decent meal.  
She covered her face with her hand, quietly wincing at the pain and turned on her side. One by one the images of the previous night returned, putting a smile on her face. She should've known that she would be hungover but at least she got an orgasm out of it.  
It outweighed the regret over having had too much to drink. She hugged her pillow and smiled into it for a few quiet seconds.  
She felt way too hot, craving some fresh air. She kicked off her blanket; she always used two when she drank because it made her feel cold and if she didn't sleep with two blankets she would wake up in the middle of the night because she was freezing. Reluctantly she stumbled out of bed, making her way to the window rather clumsily. She opened it and walked back to the warm bed, dropping on her side with a moan.

"Scully," Mulder said sleepily without opening his eyes. "Why are you awake?" he asked. 

She felt the icy air on her skin and it was pure heaven. It was chilly and smelled like winter and she loved it. She couldn't believe it was November already. Scully pulled the blanket up to her neck and took a deep breath. 

"I'm getting too old for this shit," she said and Mulder laughed without moving from his spot.

"Tell me about it," he said. "You need to make coffee," he said and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"Fuck off," she said and he laughed.

"Language, Scully," he said and opened his eyes, blinking a few times.

„What happened to being a gentleman?" she asked and slowly got up to take a shower.   
The quick wash in the restroom last night had done nothing to remove the evidence of sex and she probably smelled like it too. She walked into the kitchen, took some ibuprofen with cold orange juice and headed for the shower.  
When she returned she felt a bit like herself again, the smell of coffee and slightly burned toast filling the room. The table was set for breakfast and her heart swelled a little. She couldn't remember a time when they had ever had breakfast together. There was a strange feeling of melancholy inside her heart when she accepted the cup of coffee and sat down.  
She stirred her coffee, a smile spreading on her lips. She wasn't sure whether it was last night's orgasm, Stella's promise to fuck her senseless the next time they saw each other or that simple moment of having breakfast with Mulder after a very long night.  
Mulder watched her quietly. She looked beautiful with her messy, wet hair and absolutely no make up; she always hid her freckles and he still thought they looked adorable. The morning was quiet and cold but there was something very intimate and touching about it. He thought about her and how she had been a couple of days ago and it had worried him. Now it almost seemed as if nothing had ever happened and just for this one moment everything was ok. There was something about Scully that seemed different but he had no clue what it was but as long as she was happy he was okay with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)


	7. Love Is Too Young To Know What Conscience Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/BWosQ070D4edphuDAd/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/BWosQ070D4edphuDAd/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: The mentions of the events in The Fall might differ a little but it will be addressed again at a different point._

_Love is too young to know what conscience is;_  
_Yet who knows not, conscience is born of love?_  
_Then, gentle cheater, urge not my amiss,_  
_Lest guilty of my faults thy sweet self prove._  
_For thou betraying me, I do betray_  
_My nobler part to my gross body's treason;_  
_My soul doth tell my body that he may_  
_Triumph in love; flesh stays no farther reason,_  
_But rising at thy name, doth point out thee_  
_As his triumphant prize. Proud of this pride,_  
_He is contented thy poor drudge to be,_  
_To stand in thy affairs, fall by thy side._  
_No want of conscience hold it that I call_  
_Her 'love,' for whose dear love I rise and_

_[Sonnet 151 - "Love is too young to know what conscience is" -  
William Shakespeare ]_

***

Stella stared out of the window, looked at the grey and rather gloomy looking sky, lost in thoughts. She looked down onto the river; a brown, raging mass that snaked its way through the city. On any other day, when the weather was just a tad bit nicer, the view was incredible, impressing in its own unique way. It always evoked a sense of familiarity and made her feel safe; she knew the streets of London and she felt at home here.  
There was hardly any daylight left and it felt like it hadn't really been light at all today. The sky was grey; the clouds thick and hanging deep above the city. For a brief moment Stella wondered if there will be snow soon.

She sighed, her mind returning to a different office in a different country not too long ago. Toward the end of the investigation in Belfast she had been given a different office, one that allowed her to overlook the Lagan and parts of the city. The only difference was that she had been the outsider; the stranger from London, brought in to set things right and then it had all turned into a bloody disaster, literally. Stella crossed her arms and glanced at her watch with a sigh. She looked at the paperwork on her desk and decided to call it a day. She would still be here tomorrow, doing the same thing so why did it matter? She tidied her desk and put her coat on. She had on oversized dark blue scarf that she wrapped around her neck, making sure it covered all the important parts and kept her warm. The wind had been particularly icy this morning and she hated being cold. The air was freezing; something about it was different. She switched off the lights and closed the door behind her, leaving without looking back. She heard voices from the adjoining rooms; some of them were familiar but she couldn’t be bothered to say goodbye, she wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone at the moment. She needed to clear her mind so she took the stairs, her footsteps echoing off the empty walls while she made her quiet descend. 

A couple of minutes later she stepped out of the building, leaving the worries behind. She thought of Dana and that she would pick her up a little earlier than she had originally intended. She wanted to surprise her and a smile spread on her lips when she remembered their little encounter in the restroom and the promise she had made to Dana before she left. She inhaled the cold afternoon air, walking along the riverbank and smiled into her scarf. 

_Oh yes,_ Stella thought. _I fully intend to keep that promise._

There was a soft flutter in her lower belly, a rush of excitement and a deep sense of longing. It wasn't just the sex she lusted after, it was Dana. She found herself enjoying her company, she made her feel a little safer and the world appeared a little less messy when Dana was around. She needed that, she needed to feel safe and have something to hold on to. 

She was nowhere to be seen when Stella arrived at the university and decided to wait in the hall. It was quiet; the quiet before the storm, before the lectures ended and the halls would be filled with laughter, chatting and dozens of students rushing from one lecture hall to the other. Stella headed for the administrative building, following the signs. She was certain Dana's office was around here somewhere. It didn't take long until she found what she was looking for. The door was closed and the rest of the building was eerily calm; Stella looked at the sign by the door. 

"Dr. Dana Scully," Stella read and smiled, burying her hands in the pockets of her coat. A few minutes later she heard footsteps down the hall and turned around. Dana was approaching her, dressed in business attire that looked stunning. The tight skirt and the matching blazer hugged her in all the right places. Her hair was tied back in a loose bun and, much to Stella's surprise, she wore dark square-framed glasses that matched the rest of her outfit perfectly. Stella was only slightly taken aback by how sexy the whole thing was. 

A smile spread on Scully's lips when she spotted Stella waiting by her office. 

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting," Scully said, eager to get out of here. She had been distracted by the thought of Stella all day and it had driven her crazy. 

"Don't worry," Stella replied. "I was a bit early.“ 

Scully looked at her. She could tell that something was off, something about Stella seemed different. 

"Are you okay?" Scully asked while she unlocked the door to her office. 

She looked over her shoulder, regarding Stella while she tried to come up with a satisfying answer to her question. She wore a long, black coat that looked warm and cozy. There was a big, fluffy hoodie and a dark blue scarf that worked perfectly with her blue eyes. She almost smiled at how tiny Stella looked in this. She also didn't fail to notice that Stella seemed exhausted and sad somehow and all Scully wanted to do was hug her and make sure she was fine. 

"Yes," Stella said with a sigh. "Yes, of course. It's just been a long day," she said and smiled. She wondered whether Dana was aware of the effects her outfit had on Stella. 

Scully took her coat and put it on before she turned to face the other woman. 

"Come here," Scully said softly and pulled the blonde closer, gently kissing her on the lips. Stella found herself melting into the kiss, sighing when she felt the physical contact. "You sure?" Scully asked. 

"Yes," Stella said and smiled at Scully. "I like the sexy teacher look," Stella said and Scully laughed, taking the glasses off. 

"Ready to go?" Scully asked and grabbed her bag from the desk. 

"Ready to get some food first," Stella said and followed Scully.

"First? Before what?" The redhead asked and tried not to smile and let her imaginations run wild. 

"Nothing," Stella said Innocently. "I'm just hungry," Stella said with a cheeky grin. And I'll eat you out for desert, she thought and smiled to herself, chuckling into her scarf. 

Scully gave her a side glance and raised an eyebrow at her before she shook her head as they made their way towards the entrance. 

"Shit," Scully whispered and looked at Stella. He had seen her and she couldn't pretend she hadn’t; Mulder was waiting in front of the building. Stella looked at her with a questioning look on her face and Scully shrugged her shoulders. 

"Just keep walking," Stella said and looked straight ahead. 

She was certain that Dana had no idea that he would be here, she didn't seem pleased. Stella had this heavy feeling inside her stomach. She hadn't expected to meet him any time soon and she didn't want to. She could tell that Dana was uncomfortable but they had to keep going now and put on a straight face; she knew Dana didn't want him to know. 

They stepped out of the building and Stella took a deep breath, looking at the man who was waiting for Dana. She finally had a face to the few stories she had heard, a face to the voice that had disturbed them two nights ago. He stood by the car, arms crossed in front of his chest and waited. Stella had to admit that he was handsome but she still didn't like him. Although she didn't know the whole story there was a feeling of disapproval inside of her that she hadn't been able to shake off because she started to feel more and more protective of Dana. 

"Hey Scully," he said and she smiled nervously. 

Stella almost raised an eyebrow at the way he addressed her. She thought they had been friends and lovers for decades, why would he call her by her last name?

"Mulder, what are you doing here?" Scully asked nervously and stepped forward. 

He put a hand on her hip, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek and Stella watched them quietly; there was something odd about the whole scene. 

"I was around and I thought I'd surprise you, pick you up from work," he said and smiled; Stella felt almost sorry for him.

"That's… nice," Scully said, nervously fumbling with a button on her coat. 

"I thought we could grab some food before we head back," he suggested and Scully nodded, looking at Stella who waited a step behind. 

She was trying to figure out what to say, her quick mind failing her. She didn't want to say the wrong thing or give too much away. She wasn't ready for Mulder to meet Stella, that hadn't been part of her plan. 

"Oh, this is Stella Gibson," Scully said and turned around, facing the woman behind her. She didn't know what else to do, quietly begging her to help her out; she didn't have time to figure out what to say. 

Mulder turned towards Stella, holding out his hand. 

"Fox Mulder," he said. "Nice to meet you," he said and smiled. 

She shook his hand, watching him. There was something about him, a certain boyish charm that would let him get away with many things but Stella was having none of it. 

"Are you ready to go?" he asked and looked at Scully who bit her lip.

"I was just about to head out," Stella said and looked at Mulder. 

She didn't want to leave Dana, that was not how she had imagined her day to go but she saw the disappointment and the pain in Dana's eyes and she had to protect her. She knew that she had been very concerned about all of this and the last thing she wanted was for her to get hurt. 

"I guess I'll see you at work," Stella said and Mulder's mobile rang. 

"I gotta take this," he said. "Nice to meet you Stella," he said and she nodded, keeping her thoughts to herself. He turned his back to them and Scully faced Stella. 

There was a hint of sorrow in her eyes, the feeling of guilt and regret taking away her ability to speak for a second. She didn't mean to let Stella down but she had no clue what to do. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispered when Mulder was out of earshot. 

Stella looked at him over Scully's shoulder and decided to stay silent for Dana's sake. She didn't like this man and this little encounter had done nothing to change her mind. 

"Don't worry about it," Stella said and it tasted bitter. 

She wanted to reach out to Dana because she looked genuinely sad and it bothered her that they were caught in this situation, ruining their plans but it was bound to happen sooner or later. She stepped closer to the redhead, put a hand on her hips and leaned in to kiss her cheek. 

"I didn't mean for this to happen," Scully said and looked at Stella. 

"It's not your fault, just go," Stella said. "Call me," she said and took a step back. 

She turned around and walked the other way. Scully watched her for a few seconds, her heart aching. She got into the car and waited for Mulder to finish his call. 

"So, where do you wanna go?" he asked when he got into the car. 

"I don't know," she said quietly, trying not to sound angry. The truth was that she wasn't really hungry anymore. She leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes, trying to clear her head. 

"So, who was that?" Mulder wanted to know. 

Scully looked up, trying to pick up the story that Stella had come up with. 

"She works in Law Enforcement and sometimes holds lectures at the university," she said, not going into any detail; technically not all of this was a lie. "That's how we met," she explained. "Nice to have someone who understands what you're doing," she said. 

"Sounds interesting," Mulder said. 

"It's nice to… have a friend," Scully said quietly and Mulder looked at her, thinking that she had never had many friends during the time they had known each other.

Scully leaned back, thinking about Stella. She hated herself for this and all of a sudden everything felt empty; the loneliness returned and dragged her away. It had been treacherously lingering around the corner, waiting for her to show signs of weakness to attack unexpectedly. Just a couple of minutes ago she had been happy and looking forward to the evening ahead and now it felt like she was slipping down a dark path without anything to hold on to. 

It wasn't like she hadn't seen this coming, she just hadn't expected it to happen so soon. 

The image of Stella now having dinner all by herself broke her heart. She was certain that Stella would be fine, knowing how to look after herself but Scully also knew that she liked to pretend that it didn't bother her.

***

Stella walked into her flat, dropping her bag on the couch while she walked past it and headed straight for the kitchen to grab something that eat. She had no clue whether there was anything edible left in her fridge and changed her mind mid-way, taking the chocolate out of the drawer. The last time she had a piece of that, she had shared it with Dana. A smile crossed her lips and it was quickly replaced by a dull and strange emptiness that settled within her. She sat down on the couch, still wearing her coat and scarf.

Her opinion of Mulder hadn't changed although she hardly knew the man but there was a part inside of her that felt extremely protective of Dana. There were many things she didn't know but she was certain that the former FBI Agent had had to endure more pain than any human being should be forced to deal with and she should not be treated like that, no one ever should.  
She needed to make sure that Dana was fine and the pain, she had seen in her eyes earlier because she was so conflicted, made her sad. She didn't even want to think about Scully being with him. She sighed and thought about having dinner all by herself but that appeared rather disconsolate.  
She grabbed her bag and made up her mind, leaving her empty flat behind. Once again she descended the steps in front of the house, that she called her home, and pulled her coat a little tighter around her body. She ducked her head against the cold air, walking on the empty pavement. There was something in the air and she wondered how long it would take for the storm to hit.

***

  
[](https://media.giphy.com/media/3gXIpdOQQ3i7R3yzNK/giphy.gif)  
  
[](https://media.giphy.com/media/3gXIpdOQQ3i7R3yzNK/giphy.gif)  


A couple of minutes later Stella felt chilled to the bone. She had walked all the way and it felt like the temperature had dropped with every step she took. The air was icy and the wind unpleasant on her face. She had hoped to clear her head a little but when she knocked on her front door it had done nothing but make her feel cold.

Stella took a step back and waited, bouncing from one foot to the other. She had not considered how to get home later but she was certain that she would not walk. 

"Look at what the cat dragged in," Irene Adler purred with a smile and a hint of surprise when she opened the door. 

She looked as beautiful as ever and Stella couldn't recall a time when Irene had not been properly dressed. As usual her attire was elegant and chic, almost a bit over the top but if there was one person who could pull it off at any time of the day it was her. 

"Come on," Irene said impatiently and stepped aside. "It's bloody freezing out here," she said and closed the door behind Stella. 

The soft lighting and the warmth that surrounded Stella soothed her immediately.

"It's been a while," Irene said with a smile, stepped forward and briefly kissed Stella on the lips. 

Stella had almost forgotten how forthcoming Irene could be. She was a challenging woman, much like Stella, she knew exactly what she wanted and she knew how to get it. 

"Did you miss me?" She asked and leaned against the doorframe while Stella shed her coat and scarf. 

Stella cast a side glance at Irene, smiling. 

"I'd love to make you scream my name," she said seductively, testing how far she could go. 

"You know I usually charge people a shitload of money but I'll do you for free," she said with a wink and Stella bit her lip. 

Being with Irene had always been a welcome refuge, a distraction and comfort. It also brought tremendous amounts of pleasure. She had always enjoyed Irene's company, dressed or not; she was a smart woman.

"I need a drink first," Stella said and stepped past Irene, making her way into the living room. 

"Was that a 'yes'?" Irene asked in a more neutral tone while she left to fix Stella a drink. 

Stella chuckled and made herself comfortable on the sofa that stood in the centre of the room. She sat in one corner, pulling her feet up. She reached for the soft fluffy blanket that sat on the other side, immediately feeling a little warmer. Although Irene always pretended to be tough she could't deny that there was a certain soft side hidden beneath everything else. Stella felt the warmth return, leaning back with a content sigh. 

"So, what have you been up to?" Irene asked, returning with two glasses of wine. 

She handed one to Stella and sat down on the other side of the sofa, slipping her feet under the blanket. Stella leaned her head on her hand, watching the brunette. She had always appreciated how easy things were with Irene. They didn't ask too many questions and didn't make a fuzz, they usually knew what to ask of each other and now to keep the other one satisfied and happy but this evening it was neither pleasure nor business. Stella just needed to be around someone she could talk to; a neutral person who didn't judge. She watched Irene; always so seductive and attractive. It would be so easy to give in to her tonight and divert her thoughts but that's not what she was here for. 

Stella shrugged, not knowing where to start. Irene raised an eyebrow at her, sipping her wine. 

"It's complicated," Stella said. 

"Enlighten me, dear," Irene said, regarding her friend quietly. There was something different about Stella tonight. 

"I... I just..." She started and sipped her wine to pass some time. She didn't know how to say it. She met a woman and fucked her and that was it? That would have been the easy version but that's not what it was, not at all. 

"I met someone," Stella said and tried to suppress a smile. 

"Oh?" Irene said and turned a little in her seat. "I'm all ears."

"I don't know where to start," Stella said, sipping her wine. 

"That bad?" Irene smiled amused; it explained a lot. "Just spill the beans already, girl."

Stella took a deep breath. 

"Wait a second," Irene said and got up. She returned with the bottle of wine and Stella sighed; it would be a long evening. 

"So," Irene said sweetly. "Tell me."

"Her name is Dana," Stella said softly. 

For some reason Irene had expected that person to be a guy but then again she always thought that Stella would do better with a woman. 

"I met her back in September, do you remember the storm?" Stella asked and went back to that night.  
"I was heading home before the worst of the storm hit," she explained. "A cyclist had run her over and she was hurt. I don't know what happened. The moment I saw her..." Stella said.

"You fell in love," Irene said softly; it wasn't a question. Stella avoided looking at Irene. It was the first time someone said it out loud but she knew that it was true. 

"I had no idea who she was," Stella said. "But I couldn't leave her, she was hurt so I asked her in," Irene listened carefully, watching her friend. "There was something about her that reminded me of myself," Stella said and her voice was heavy with emotions; something she hadn't expected. 

She was lonely and so vulnerable, Stella thought but kept it to herself. Just like me.

"I asked her to stay," Stella said. "The storm was pretty bad and I didn't want her to be out there."

"I remember," Irene said and briefly smiled at a different memory of that night. 

"I was... Drawn to her," Stella said and tried to put that feeling into words. "I was confused, I don't do this kind of stuff!" She said and looked at Irene who reached out for the bottle of red wine, refilling their glasses. "I found myself being so attracted to her... It confused me!" 

"Did you sleep with her that night?"

"No!" Stella said. "That was the point. I didn't want to sleep with her and then never see her again... The moment I saw her, I knew I didn't want to let her go," she whispered and looked into her glass. 

"What happened?" Irene asked and stretched her feet, partly putting them in Stella's lap. 

"I kissed her," Stella whispered and a faint smiled crossed her lips. 

She bit them, avoiding Irene's gaze. 

"It was... Different," Stella said, refusing to look at Irene. 

For a brief moment she looked at the ceiling, felt the tears at the back of her eyes. She touched the corner of her eyes with her finger, trying to stop them from falling, taking a deep breath. 

"Shit," she said and laughed. 

"You're absolutely smitten!" Irene said amused. "Jesus, Stella!" 

For a brief moment Irene was sad, knowing that there probably wouldn't be another get together any time soon but she wanted Stella to be happy. If there was one person who deserved to be happy it was the woman sitting in front of her. 

Stella finished her second glass of wine faster than she had intended to, feeling the soft buzz in her body and a comforting warmth in her lower belly. 

"She was a bit freaked out at first," Stella explained. "But I had to make sure she didn't forget about me."

"Did it work?" Irene wanted to know. 

"I went back the next day," Stella said and traced the edge of the glass with her finger. "I needed to see her."

"Look at you Miss-I-don't-do-relationships and I don't run after girls or boys. What happened to no-fuss one night stands?" 

Stella shrugged. 

"We're not in a relationship," Stella said. 

The truth was the she didn't know what to call it. She had no idea what Dana wanted. What if, one day, she decided that this wasn't what she wanted and went back to Mulder because it was familiar? That thought caused a bitter feeling in the back of her throat.

"Did you sleep with her?" Irene asked again, always getting straight to the point. "Was it good?" Stella rolled her eyes with a smile.  
"Oh yes," she admitted, lost in thoughts; it had been tender and sweet and innocent somehow. She thought of all the things she still wanted to do to Dana, a little bit of sadness rising inside of her when she thought about the different plans she had had for the night. 

"So, what's the problem?" The brunette wanted to know. "Please, don't tell me that she's married. Haven't you learned anything?" 

"No, no that's not it," Stella said and her confusion mixed with the alcohol so she decided it would be best to drown her thoughts with a little more, thinking that she should probably have food any time soon. She didn't know what they were, she had never heard Dana say that they were in a relationship or ever have been. 

"She's living with that guy," Stella said and rose from the couch to keep her legs from getting stiff. She refilled her glass, took a sip and started pacing the room. 

"I don't even know what they are!" She felt frustrated and the slightly amused look on Irene's face angered her a little. "She's known him half her life and... They've dealt with some terrible shit but I've never heard her say that they are in relationship."

"They're living together?" Irene prompted. 

"He persuaded her to come to England with him three years ago," Stella said. She didn't know the whole story but that was enough at the moment. 

"American?" 

Stella nodded and had some more wine. "She's also a doctor and a former FBI Agent," Stella threw in. 

"I'm impressed," Irene said and meant it. 

Nothing sexier than strong, independent and smart women even when they end up getting drunk in her living room from time to time, ranting about a guy.

"She doesn't seem happy," Stella said quietly. 

It might not be any of her business but a part of her felt incredibly protective of Dana. Stella sat down on the edge of the couch, her strength suddenly draining from her body. 

"I don't know what to do," Stella admitted quietly. 

"Would she leave him?" Irene asked.

"I don't know, I feel like she doesn't know what she wants," Stella said. "I haven't seen her a lot in the last three weeks and then..." She rose from the couch again, continuing to pace the room with the glass of wine in her hand. 

"I surprised her at a Halloween party," Stella said. "And then I fucked her in the restroom while fucking Fox Mulder was at the other side of the door," she said and tilted her head back on a laugh. 

"Naughty girl," Irene said and put her glass aside, watching her friend carefully. 

Knowing Stella she had probably skipped lunch and judging by the amount of wine she had had in such a short time it was probably time for food and coffee soon. 

"Did you see him?"

"No," Stella said and the laughter subsided immediately. She knew she was drunk by now but she didn't care. "But he decided to surprise her and pick her up from work today," Stella said and threw her hands in the air. Irene felt a bit of relief when she noticed that Stella's glass was empty again. The last thing she needed was red wine stains on her pretty carpet. 

"You were there, too" Irene stated, trying to put the pieces together. 

"He calls her by her last name," Stella said annoyed. "How weird is that? They've been together half their lives and they fucked... And he calls her by her last name like all of his damn colleagues," she said and a part of her knew that she was being ridiculous but she didn't want to stop, she needed this. 

If Irene didn't feel so sorry for her friend she would laugh about the whole scene. She knew that these emotional outbursts, alcohol induced or not, didn't happen often and she also knew that Stella will probably regret it in the morning. 

"He doesn't even deserve her," Stella said, feeling frustrated. "You know what hurt most?" She asked Irene and thought that this was the feeling she hadn't been able to identify earlier. 

"The look on her face," Stella said and felt the pressure on her chest, the tears sparkle in her eyes; she knew that mostly alcohol was to blame for her emotional condition. 

"She was blaming herself, feeling guilty for something that wasn't even her fault!" Her voice was cracking a bit; she was turning into a sappy drunk. She felt dizzy and light-headed, overwhelmed by her sudden outburst. 

She put the empty glass on the coffee table, dropping on the couch. She put her head back, trying to clear her head and suddenly the tears fell from her eyes, running down the sides of her face. It wasn't just the situation with Dana but the whole mess that her life had recently turned into. Except for Irene she felt like she didn't have any friends; there was nothing but work and the occasional stranger she picked up in a bar.  
Most of the time she had no one to talk to, no one to confide in and it just now dawned on her how lonely she actually was. She didn't allow it often but now that the gates had been opened there was no going back. 

"You really like her, don't you?" Irene said softly. 

Her usual sharp wit and sass were gone and there was nothing but empathy left. She reached out and put the blanket back over Stella's legs.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Stella whispered, wiping the tears off with the back of her hand. 

"I suppose we should continue this conversation in the morning," Irene said. "I'll get you a cup of tea, that'll help you clear your head," she said and took the empty wine glasses and the bottle away. On her way out she opened one of the windows, letting the icy November air in and it felt heavenly. 

Stella leaned back, wrapping the fluffy blanket around her shoulders. It probably wasn't even 10pm and she was ready to call it a night and go to sleep. She was drunk and far too emotional for her own liking. A couple of minutes later Stella found herself drifting off to sleep when Irene returned with a cup of tea. 

"Thank you," she said and cleared her throat, wrapping both hands around the warm cup. She had wiped the tears away three times already but they wouldn't stop falling.

"You need to give me your phone," Irene said after they sipped their hot tea quietly for a few moments. Stella turned her head, wondering. 

"Do you really want to call or text... what was her name? Dana? After what you just told me? Not like this, love," she said and Stella nodded. 

The tea felt good and Stella got lost in thoughts. 

She looked at the armchair in front of them. The last time she sat in it she was stark naked; her legs draped over both armrests with her pussy on full display and entirely at Irene's mercy; she had teased her until Stella begged her to stop. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Irene said and Stella smiled into her cup. She knew exactly what Stella was thinking. "You know the offer still stands," Irene threw in and Stella shook her head. "You wanna stay here tonight?" 

"Yes," Stella said. "I'd love to," the thought of returning to an empty place didn't seem appealing. 

She enjoyed Irene's company and comfort which made her feel a little less lonely. After her emotional rant she felt drained and exhausted but a bit lighter at the same time. 

Stella finished her cup of tea, thinking that she could do well with something to eat. 

"Wanna order food?" Stella asked because she couldn't be bothered to cook.

"I already did," Irene said with a wink. "Should be here any minute. Do you want to change into something more comfortable?" Irene asked and Stella wondered if she was referring to one of her elegant and fancy robes but it turned out that she also owned very comfortable flannel pants.

It was almost midnight when she put her head down on the pillow, sinking into the soft sheets. She had sobered up a little during dinner and now that she was on her own; feeling exhausted and overwhelmed she had the urge to text Dana and was glad that Irene had insisted on taking her phone away.

The next morning came too fast and Stella woke with a dull headache, feeling somewhat dehydrated. Slowly she padded into the kitchen, dropping into one of the chairs without a word, laying her face in her hands. Irene put a cup of coffee in front of her and Stella groaned at the pain, feeling a little queasy. 

"Why are you so fucking bright and cheery so early in the morning?" Stella asked, although Irene hadn't said a single word, and reached for the cup of coffee. "Why did you let me drink so much?" She asked and sipped the coffee. 

"You seemed like you needed it," Irene said and smiled at Stella. She had never really been a morning person, working better when left alone before she had her first cup of coffee. Grumpy and slightly hungover Stella was adorable but she didn't want to tease her too much.

"Finish the coffee and have some more water," Irene said. "Want something to eat?" Irene asked. 

"Thank you," Stella said, leaning back in her chair. "What happened to your maid?" Stella remembered the woman who usually bustled about the house. She wasn't sure whether she was the secretary, mistress or the general drudge. 

"Vacation," Irene simply said. "So, what are you going to do?" Irene wanted to know, Stella shrugged. 

"I wish I'd know," Stella said and she wasn't ready to go back there so early in the morning. 

"There you go," Irene said and put Stella's mobile on the counter. 

It took Stella another hour to finish her coffee, take a shower and get ready for work. She kissed Irene goodbye by the door and stepped outside; the air was cold and unpleasant so early in the morning but it helped to clear her head a little, strengthening her for the day ahead. On her way to work she texted Dana, asking her if she was ok.

***

"DSI Gibson," Mary said and knocked on Stella's door. Stella looked up from the document she was reading.

"Yes, Mary?" Stella said. 

"Your 4pm appointment is here?" She asked and looked confused. "I'm not sure I missed it but she insisted on seeing you."

"I don't have an appointment," Stella said; she wasn't in the mood for company. 

"Well, there's a Dr. Scully here to see you," she said and Stella sighed with a smile. "She's been very insistent on seeing you."

"It's ok, Mary," Stella said and put her pen down, leaning back in her chair. "Let her in."

Two minutes later Dana walked into her office. 

"Dr. Scully," Stella said and folded her hands. "How can I help you?" 

"Have coffee with me?" Scully suggested and handed her one of the cups that she brought along. 

"You are a lifesaver," Stella said. Scully walked around Stella's desk, leaning against it. 

"I'm sorry about yesterday," she said. 

"Don't," Stella said and rose from her chair. "It wasn't your fault, it was just bad luck."

Scully sighed. 

"How was your night? You look tired."

"Short… or long. Matter of perspective," Stella said and closed the file on her desk. "So, can I take you out for an early dinner now or do I have to expect him to be ruining our plans again?" 

Scully shook her head. "He's busy."

That was all Stella needed. Ten minutes later they were out in the cold, wrapped up in their coats and scarfs, making their way through the crowds at Victoria Embankment, heading for Covent Garden to grab something to eat and Stella made a mental note go grocery shopping. Stella didn't mind walking; she knew these streets and it always helped to clear her head after a long day. 

Scully looked around, not really paying attention to where they were going. It wasn't like she hadn't been here before but sometimes she found herself getting lost and one time it had taken her to Stella. She looked at her while they walked down the street, a smile on her face. She should have known that things wouldn't be easy but she wanted, and needed, just one quiet and peaceful night with Stella.  
One night of undisturbed bliss with the woman she was slowly falling in love with. She had thought about it last night, after having dinner with Mulder. There was no other way to put it; the truth was that she was falling for Stella.  
There were so many things that had not gone according to plan and all she wanted was a few hours of not having to worry. 

"It looks like it's going to snow," Scully said and looked at the sky. 

The winter sky had a soft orange glow. It was cold enough; the streets were starting to get icy and the temperature had dropped below zero a while ago. 

"It might be a little early," Stella said, trying to remember the last time they actually had real snow in London. Not the kind that turned into a wet, dirty and slushy mess after a few hours but beautiful, white thick snow. 

"So," Scully said a little later. 

They had had dinner and had a taxi drop them off at the end of Stella's street, walking back to the house. 

"What are you working at?" she asked and Stella took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to start. 

"Trying to pick up the pieces," Stella said and looked at her feet. 

"You don't have to tell me," Scully said, feeling like this made her uncomfortable somehow. 

"That's not it," Stella said and fished the keys out of her bag when they stopped in front of the house. "I was trying to figure out where to start but I suggest we continue this inside because it's freezing cold." 

A couple of minutes later they were on Stella's bed, cozily nestled by pillows and blankets. They didn't cuddle but Scully was laying on her side, her fingertips touching Stella's hand every now and then. 

"About a year ago," Stella started, trying to recollect what had happened. "I was called to Belfast by a former colleague. I was asked to do a 28-day review on a case they were working on; they were stuck," she said. 

"What happened?" Scully asked. 

"Serial killer," Stella said. "Really creepy stuff. Young women kept turning up dead and they had absolutely no clue, no lead," Scully nodded; she had had her fair share of cases that had led them nowhere. If she were to be entirely honest they had never solved a damn case. 

"They thought that someone, bringing in a different view, might help. Just turned out that the man in charge was an idiot," Stella said and tried not to roll her eyes at Jim. "I had to start somewhere so I started looking for things that connected the murders, finding other cases that fit the exact same pattern."

"The work of a serial killer," Scully said. 

"Exactly," Stella said. "But that was the last thing they wanted. They had hoped to solve things quietly but it had soon gained media's attention," Stella said and felt a little bit of guilt in her gut. 

"Let's just say the wrong people got hold of the wrong kind of information and things took a turn for the worse real quick," Stella said. "I slept with one of the detectives a few days after I got there. I was bored and…"

"You don't have to explain it," Scully said. 

All of that happened before her time and she didn't want Stella to feel like she had to justify herself for anything she had done. Stella turned on her side, facing Dana. She felt comfortable and grateful and, against all odds, it felt good to talk about it and tell someone. 

"He was married with kids," Stella said. "I had no idea. He was shot a few days later. Bad luck, case gone wrong, pissed off the wrong people. I really don't know, I didn't know him at all," Stella sighed and tried to put these memories away. "Press found out about this of course and it brought some unwanted attention."

"I see," Scully said and inched a bit closer to Stella. "What about the serial killer?"

"He was playing us the whole time. Nice and caring father with two young kids; bereavement counselor by day, serial killer by night," Stella explained it quietly. "He hid in plain sight," she said. 

"These are usually the most dangerous ones," Scully said. "What happened?"

Stella remembered that Dana was a former FBI Agent and that she might be familiar with a few things. 

"He became obsessed with me," Stella said. "Trying to make me look like a fool. At some point he hid in my hotel room while I was there," she said quietly, remembering the defenselessness and the vulnerability she had felt when she noticed that he had gone through her most personal things. 

"That's awful," Scully said, remembering all the times she had been terrified when one of their culprits had snuck up on her or attacked her. 

She didn't allow it to enter her memory, or whatever recollection she had of the abduction. 

"Did you get hurt?“

"Not physically," Stella said and Dana raised her hand, softly brushing the hair out of Stella's face. 

"We interrogated him when we finally caught him but we had no evidence at first," Stella explained. 

As good as it felt to talk about it she found herself growing tired. She didn't want to have all these memories back; it was frustrating and painful. 

"My review was extended when we were getting nowhere and I was eventually put in charge."

"He had still been holding one woman captive so we took him to the woods to have him lead us to her," Stella sighed and Scully immediately had a bad feeling about this. 

"He was shot by the husband of one of his clients," Stella said and Scully raised an eyebrow, sensing that quite a few things had gone wrong there. 

"I held him in my arms," Stella said, briefly thinking that she should have just left him in the woods to die. "I held that son of a bitch in my arms and yelled for help to save him. I didn't want him to die; after all he had done I didn't want him to because I wanted him to pay for what he had done," Stella said bitterly and rolled on her back. 

"Did he survive?" Scully asked quietly. 

"Spent some time in the hospital, fooling us all once again. He pretended to have lost his memory and it turned out pretty hard to prove that he was lying," Stella said. "I saw right through it at some point," she said. 

"Because he wanted you to," Scully said and Stella nodded. 

"Eventually the evidence started to pile up and we finally had something to convict him for, memory loss or not," Stella said. 

"Did he face trial?"

"Took the easy way out," Stella said with a bitter laugh and Scully already suspected that things didn't go according to plan. 

"His wife tried to kill herself, taking the two children with her when things got public. He was returned to the mental institution where he attacked his psychiatrist and killed a former patient before he hanged himself."

"Shit," Scully whispered. 

She felt the guilt that weighed heavily on Stella's shoulders the disappointment, that she understood all too well. 

"I fucked up in so many ways," Stella said bitterly. 

"It's never only your fault, Stella."

"I was the one in charge," she said with a sigh. She didn't want to let these memories seize her now. "Anyway, things didn't get better when I returned. They needed someone to blame for the mess and someone to take care of the paperwork; there was - and still is - explaining to do as the investigations continue," she said. 

"He's dead," Scully threw in. 

"There are family members, and people in charge, who want explanations," Stella said and Scully put her arm on Stella's stomach, moving a little bit closer. 

Stella remembered the nights she had spent in Belfast; lonely and all by herself and how she had cried all by herself when she returned to an empty home after almost three months and maybe all of this wasn't so bad after all. She moved her arm a little, allowing Scully to cuddle up to her and put her head on her shoulder. 

While it still filled her with dreadful memories and feelings of regret she felt a little bit better now that she had talked about it. She hadn't given too much away but it would do for tonight. They were quiet for a while before Dana raised her head, propping it up on her hand. She looked at Stella, whose face was only inches away, and thought that she hadn't kissed her all day. She knew she probably had to leave soon, she had to work at the hospital tomorrow and, as much as it hurt her, she couldn't stay the night but she decided to make the best of their time together. 

"Thank you for telling me," she said quietly. 

"It still feels strange," Stella said. 

"Do you think about him sometimes?" Scully wanted to know. 

"More often than I would like to," Stella admitted. "It just happens sometimes."

"I understand that feeling," Scully said. There were certain memories of her past that she would never be able to let go; she simply had to learn how to live with it and make amends with it.

She leaned down and placed a feather-light kiss on her lips when she saw something from the corner of her eyes. 

"Look!" Scully said and a smile crossed her face. "It's snowing," she said and felt excited all of a sudden. 

She didn't know where that came from but it suddenly filled her with a profound feeling of joy. 

"What?" Stella said propping herself up on her elbows, looking out of the window. "I don't believe it," Stella said with a smile. 

"Come on," Scully said and rose from the bed. 

"What are you doing?" Stella wanted to know and Scully left the bedroom. 

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and followed Dana. She watched Dana slip into her boots, walking out of the flat. She stood at the top of the stairs in front of the house, looking into the quiet street that was now covered in thick white, glistening snow. 

"Look at this," Scully said mesmerized. 

It was cold but she didn't mind. The street ahead was completely undisturbed; no one had walked in the white blanket that had settled upon the street. It was white and pure and incredibly beautiful. The thick snowflakes fell softly while she walked down the stairs, filling her with sweet clarity; the snow crunching softly beneath her feet. Stella waited, watching Dana in quiet adoration. She hugged herself, pulled her grey cardigan close with both hands while she approached the steps. 

Scully stood in the middle of the street, surrounded by a glistening blanket of snow and it reminded her of home. Back in DC she had never liked snow, never given it much thought. It had always been inconvenient when it caused her to get stuck at an airport over night but now she was far away, in the same street where it had all started in London. Time seemed to stand still for a moment; she turned around and looked up at the sky. 

Stella looked at her, standing by the door. She felt the snowflakes in her hair and on her face and all of a sudden the doubts and worries vanished. There was something incredibly beautiful about the image in front of her. Dana looked up at the sky, the thick snowflakes falling on her face and suddenly she started laughing. It was something that was so liberating that she couldn't stop. Dana laughed at the beauty of something so simple; at the quiet night and the fact that she wouldn't leave Stella.  
Stella felt the snow drenching her cardigan but she didn't mind. She thought of Irene's words and how much truth there was in them. At this moment Stella accepted the truth. She was irrevocably and head over heels in love with Dana Scully. 

"Dana," Stella said not quite as serious as she had intended to. She couldn't keep the smile off her face. "It's cold."

"Then come and keep me warm," Scully said with a smile and Stella did. She walked towards Dana, opened her arms and hugged her with her cardigan. She put her arms around Scully and held her tightly while the snow fell softly and quietly on them. Stella tilted her head a little and she couldn't help but smile and join Dana. 

"You are crazy," Stella said with a smile and her lips finally met Dana's. 

It was warm and soft and the cold around them made her all the more aware of the warmth that was radiating from Dana's body. She sighed softly while the snow fell upon them, knowing with certainty that there would be no way out of it anymore. Stella felt her heart swell, pulling Dana closer under her cardigan and a blanket of snow that never ceased to fall, wondering how on earth she had been lucky enough to find her in this exact spot. 

Scully broke the kiss, her cheeks flushed despite the cold. She put her forehead against Stella's; she hadn't even noticed that she had started shivering. 

"I think we should continue this somewhere warmer," Scully whispered against Stella's lips. 

"I could use a hot shower," Stella said, thinking about the promise she had made a few nights ago. 

"Sounds heavenly," Scully said with a smile and followed Stella back into the house. 

It didn't take long for the snow to cover their footprints; erasing all signs of someone ever having walked in it. Snow was a fascinating thing, untouched and pure it quietly covered the world with its beauty, hiding everything that lay beneath it. It hid the ugly truths and put a smile on children's faces. It brought chaos and it caused a storm that would slow the city down; it would make the time stand still for a while and it would give two lovers a chance to hide and spend the night with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise to pick up where I left off and there will be lots and lots of smut in the next chapter... Feel free to come over and say "Hi!"
> 
> Penny for your thoughts?  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)


	8. Take, O Take Those Lips Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/4H8SV4MQzxcfTjsFl6/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/4H8SV4MQzxcfTjsFl6/giphy.gif)   
> 

_Take, O take those lips away_  
_That so sweetly were forsworn,_  
_And those eyes, the break of day,_  
_Lights that do mislead the morn:_  
_But my kisses bring again,_  
_Bring again—_  
_Seals of love, but seal’d in vain,_  
_Seal’d in vain!_

_William Shakespeare_

***

Scully followed Stella, never letting go off her hand as they walked back into the flat. The warmth that engulfed them was immediately comforting. Scully slipped out of her boots, feeling breathless already. She was trembling from the cold and with excitement because of the night ahead. They were snowed in and time stood still; frozen in their little snow globe where no one would step between them and Scully was prepared to get lost.  
Stella dropped her cardigan, the last snowflakes surrendering to the warmth. She pulled Scully flush against her, her forehead resting against Dana's. They closed their eyes, both inhaling deeply.

"What is it?" Scully asked calmly without stepping away from Stella. 

She noticed a sudden hesitation, something that stopped Stella in her tracks. She had her hands on Scully's hips, shaking her head. She bit her lip and tried to find the right words. 

"I was wondering what I'd be doing now if that storm hadn't happened…" she whispered and for an instant she sounded almost sad. 

"Shhh," Scully said, put a finger on her lips and kissed her. 

She had had that thought before. Every time she laid awake at night she thought about her life and how different it would be if she hadn't met Stella during that storm. It hurt and it had scared her, thinking that she had gone home earlier that day.  
What if Stella had come home only five minutes early and they had never seen each other? That thought had cause her pain so she pushed it far away because the truth was that she was right here.  
She was breathing and melting in her arms and she was dying to touch her. To kiss and feel her with every part of her body. She put a hand in Stella's neck, pulling her in for a messy kiss that set her nerves on fire, dispelling the chill from her bones as a burning desire settled within her center. 

A smile crossed her lips when Stella moaned into her mouth, their tongues exploring each other. Exhilarated by the tension between them Scully hummed appreciatively when Stella's deft fingers found its way beneath her shirt, caressing her bare skin and leaving goosebumps in its wake. Scully gently leaned in, kissing and sucking Stella's warm lips. Step by step they left the living room behind; Stella turned them around without breaking away from Dana, guiding them to the bathroom at turtle speed. 

Eventually she found herself parting from Dana, pushing her against the wall by the bedroom door. They pulled apart, taking shaky and shallow breaths. Scully reached out to help Stella out of her soaked clothes, quietly asking for permission. Stella looked at her in silent admiration, her heart pounding inside her chest. She trusted Dana more than she had ever trusted anyone else and maybe it was time to let go a little. 

Slowly, she raised her arms and Dana gripped the edges of her shirt, lifting it above her head. She tossed it aside and wrapped her arms around Stella. She was, once more, trapped between Stella's weight and the wall and it took her breath away. She tilted her head back, sighing when Stella kissed her neck, slowly opening the buttons of her blouse. She arched her back and shimmied out of it, leaving them in nothing but their bras. Unable to contain the pleasure, that had lingered within for the last couple of days, Scully held Stella's face in both hands. She pulled her into a fiery and passionate kiss, feeling Stella's hands fumble with the button of her trousers but the feeling of Scully's tongue invading her mouth and her breasts pressed against her own, distracted her a little. 

Her fingers were trembling with excitement and it was not something she was used to. She took a step back, regarding the woman in front of her through hooded eyes. Her eyes were shining, her pupils dilated with pleasure. Stella smiled, wondering whether they'd ever make it to the shower. The chill she had felt earlier was gone, the desire to feel Scully squirming and panting beneath her increasing with every touch.  
Scully reached down, slowly opening the buttons of her trousers, without ever losing Stella out of sight; a smug smile on her face. 

"A little nervous?" Scully teased the blonde. 

She laughed at the look on her face, feeling excited and aroused. 

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Stella laughed, putting her hands back on Stella's hips; slowly placing soft kisses on her cleavage Scully pushed her trousers down, kicking them aside. 

"I didn't shave my legs," Scully said breathy and tilted her head back on a laugh. 

Stella stopped her kisses, raising an eyebrow at Scully before she kissed her with a smile on her lips. 

"I really don't give a shit," Stella whispered between chaste kiss. "Shower. Now."

Scully followed Stella into the bathroom and suddenly it seemed quieter than before, time moved just a little bit slower while the snow continued to fall outside. Stella turned the shower on, facing Dana. She felt the blonde's eyes on her body and she wanted it more than ever. Not for a single moment did she hesitate or feel ashamed. She met Stella's eyes while she reached behind herself, opening the clasp of her bra in a single, skilled movement.  
She held out her arms, letting it slide off just like the rest of her clothes before. Slowly her fingers played with the hem of her panties that were soaked with her own arousal by now. Her chest was heaving gently in anticipation and Stella closed the distance between them, transfixed by the beautiful scene in front of her. 

"Aren't you a little overdressed?" Scully whispered against Stella's lips and started to help her out of her trousers. 

The feeling of her bare nipples against the soft fabric or Stella's bra made her shiver a little. Scully ran her hands up and done Stella's spine, touching every crevasse with her fingertips. Stella melted a little against Dana, her lips softly kissing up and down Scully's neck until she let out soft whimpers. She made her way back to her tender and smooth lips, allowing her to explore them just a little longer. After all Stella had not agreed to surrender control so easily and, although it appeared tempting now, that's not what she had in mind; that was not what her promise had been about. 

"Help me out then," Stella whispered against Dana's lips and the redhead leaned forward, gently kissing Stella's neck all the way down to her collarbone, brushing the strap of her bra from her shoulder. 

She mirrored the slow action on the other side and Stella tilted her head back with a sigh as Dana reached behind her to open her bra. She wrapped her arms around Stella, pulling her into a tender embrace, her naked breasts pressing against her own and she sighed at the sensation. Stella hooked her fingers under the hem of her panties, slowly sliding them off her beautiful body. She took her hand and stepped into the shower, standing opposite each other under the hot torrent. Stella cupped her face with both hands, using them to brush the wet hair from Dana's face. She leaned forward, pulling back every time their lips were about to meet, and smiled when Dana protested quietly. 

"Impatient?" Stella asked with a smile.

"You're driving me crazy," Dana admitted, glad that the blush in her cheeks had already been there or it would have given her away. 

Stella had her hands loosely tangled in Dana's hair, slowly capturing her lips. Dana opened her mouth, a pleasant thrill going straight to her aching chore. She let her hands roam on Stella's body until they came to rest on her breasts, softly cupping them. Stella's hold on her hair got a little firmer; it was encouraging and Scully squeezed just a little harder, teasing her nipples with her fingers until Stella moaned into her mouth. 

The kiss was long and satisfying, more demanding than before; it spoke of something more. Her hands travelled down to Dana's hips, turning her around in the embrace so that her breasts were pressed against her back. She leaned into it, her hand resting in Stella's neck. She held her close while she sucked the soft skin on Scully's neck. Her lips parted on a soft moan that filled the otherwise quiet bathroom and Stella's fingers teased her nipples from behind. Scully found herself shivering despite the hot shower, her legs slowly trembling at the overwhelming sensation. Her core was throbbing, almost painfully begging to be touched but Stella was in no rush at all. Slowly, her hands abandoned her breasts, traveling to where she wanted it most. Her fingers rested on her lower belly and Scully put her hands on Stella's, trying to guide her. 

"Is that what you want?" Stella whispered into her ear. 

"Yes," Scully said breathy, surprised by the emotion in her voice. 

It was then that she realized how tense her body was; how much she needed this. Stella moved their hands to Scully's thigh and she instantly parted her legs, granting her a bit more space. She felt Stella's fingernails on her inner thigh, teasing the soft skin but she did not touch her where she wanted it most, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Scully closed her eyes, slightly overwhelmed by the water that was raining down on them, Stella's naked body pressed against her own and her nimble fingers dangerously close to her aching centre. She was breathing heavily, her right hand having a firm grip on Stella's, trying to touch herself and relief the ache. 

"Uh-uh," Stella whispered. "Not here, not now" she said, placing a kiss on her shoulder and Scully groaned in frustration as Stella stepped away. 

She chuckled softly, her knees feeling weaker than she was ready to admit but she wouldn't give herself away now. She reached for the shower gel, that was now so familiar to Scully. It would always remind her of Stella, that smell filling her with longing and a strange familiarity, soothing her when she was not around. 

"My turn," Scully said and took the bottle from Stella. 

She still tried to calm her breathing and keep a clear head. She looked at the woman in front of her, spreading the gel in her hands. Stella closed her eyes while Dana's hands gently caressed her shoulders. She moved a little higher as she stepped closer, softly massaging Stella's neck. The blonde dropped her head, soft moans escaping from her lips. Scully's hands moved to her breasts, cupping them with both hands, never letting her out of sight. Stella leaned her forehead against Dana's, her hands running up and down her spine and her backside; she opened her eyes to look at Dana, their lips only inches apart. She felt her hot, irregular breath on her lips, felt herself trembling at the effect that Dana had on her.  
She raised her hands, cupping Dana's cheek to bring their swollen lips together in a soft lingering kiss. Stella pressed her lips to Dana's, slightly parting them. She closed her eyes, taking in the moment. She felt something break; it didn't hurt as it didn't break apart. She simply opened up a part of herself that she had kept hidden and protected for a long time. 

"Let's get out of here," Stella whispered; the smile had vanished from her face. 

A few minutes later Dana found herself sitting on the edge of the bed, wrapped in nothing but a towel. Her skin was warm and sensitive, her wet hair tied back in a messy bun; a bit of water tickling on her back. She felt a soothing buzz run through her body, her wet and throbbing center aching for release. She looked up to see Stella walk towards her.  
Just like Dana she had her hair tied back, her pupils dilated with unfeigned arousal and her skin was still warm, flushed and soft. Before she reached Dana she made a decision, untying the towel that was still wrapped around her otherwise naked body. Without saying another word Stella stood between her parted knees, cupped Dana's face and pulled her in for a messy and urgent kiss that left them both panting for air. 

Slowly, she pushed Dana back on the bed without letting go, reaching down between them to open the towel that was covering Dana's body. Gently she lowered herself onto her, mesmerized by the fascination of their warm and naked bodies. She pushed Dana's hands above her head, holding them there with her own, softly sighing against Dana's lips. Slowly she ran her tongue along her upper lip, gently nibbling at the soft flesh and Dana squirmed beneath her. 

"I want… to touch you," Dana whispered with her head tilted back while Stella's tongue continued to tease her lips. She was so wet that she felt her own arousal on her thighs, trying to create a little bit of friction to ease the ache. 

"You will," Stella purred against her lips. "Just not yet," she said and Dana opened her eyes, finding Stella's while she hovered above her. 

Dana looked into her eyes, darkened with pleasure, and for a moment time stood still. There were was nothing but the sound of the raging breaths and the blood rushing in her ears. Stella placed an open-mouthed kiss against Dana's lips, her fingers reaching for Stella's, trying to find something to hold on to. She felt the warmth pool in her lower belly, slowly rushing to her extremities; slowly breathing on the fires that raged within her. 

She tilted her head back and Stella followed her every move, her tongue exploring Dana's mouth. She moaned into Stella's mouth, bending her knees a little. The kiss turned more urgent and desperate with every passing moment, her hands still pinned above her head. She was dying to touch Stella, dying to touch herself and being denied that tiny bit of pleasure was almost too much to bear. She whimpered against Stella's lips, knowing that she was close. She felt the tension in her body increase, had tried to distract herself but her ability to form coherent thoughts slowly dissipated under Stella's pleasant administrations.  
I didn't take long until Scully broke the kiss, arching her back slightly while her body squirmed under Stella's. She cried out in pleasure, biting her lip to keep it inside but it was too late. Her chest was heaving with pleasure, the orgasm rushing through her body hot and fast. Stella hovered above her, watching mesmerized. There was a fine layer of sweat covering Dana's body; she turned her head aside and started laughing. 

It was a soft laughter and it put a smile on Stella's face. 

"Did you just…" Stella asked and let go off Scully's hands. She felt her cheeks blush even more so then they had before, covering her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry," she said from between her hands, still laughing to herself. 

Stella couldn't help but laugh at the gorgeous woman in front of her, gently putting her hands away from her face. 

"Do you have any idea how much it turns me on, knowing that I have this effect on you?" Stella asked and Scully wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes, taking a deep breath. 

Stella laid beside her, one leg over Scully's while her head leaned on her shoulder. Now that the desperate need for release was gone, and she hadn't even touched Scully yet, they had all night to take things slow until they would both fall asleep exhausted and spent. 

Her laugher subsided and Scully felt a little dizzy and calm at the same time. Her heart was pounding inside her chest, sweat pooling in the valley of her breasts. She didn't know what would happen, her mind was blank but the hot desire and the deep longing she had for Stella had not faded at all. She bent her knee, rolling them over and it took Stella by surprise, drawing a soft laugh from the back of her throat. She straddled the blonde woman, her knees resting on either side of Stella's body, her slick and swollen folds creating a delicious friction against the soft skin but Scully tried not to focus on that now. 

She leaned forward, her hardened nipples brushing against Stella's; her golden cross tickling her when she leaned forward to run her tongue over Stella's lips, sucking her upper lip gently. Stella moaned, the sensation of Dana sucking her overly sensitive lips went straight to her aching and throbbing core. Scully hovered above her, running her tongue along her chin and her eagerly waiting lips before Stella's met her, teasing each other. She sealed her lips with a hungry, searing kiss that left them both panting once more and Scully made her slow descend, leaving kisses and a glistening trail of saliva on her heated skin. 

"Yes," Stella whispered almost inaudible under her breath when Scully took a nipple in her mouth, sucking and licking until Stella squirmed beneath her. 

She repeated the action on the other side, tilting her head a bit so she could watch Stella. It was the most glorious and arousing feeling to see Stella slowly come undone by the touch of her hands; the always composed woman falling apart, opening up to her.  
She sucked a little harder, pinching the other nipple with two fingers to find Stella arching her back into the touch, gasping at the sudden sensation. Her chest was flushed and heaving, soft whimpers coming from her mouth. Scully thought about teasing her but she felt like she couldn't take it, couldn't deny this amazing woman anything. 

"Dana, please," Stella whispered, her hand fisting the sheets. She had been more composed than she first appeared to be, had her pleasure under control way better than she did but it wouldn't take long now and Scully didn't have the heart to prolong her sweet misery. 

She reached down, guiding her fingers through slick and swollen folds and god, she was so wet and it turned her on so much. Without so much of a warning Scully's hands found her throbbing center, rubbing her clit in slow circles.  
"Oh... Fuck," Stella cried out, squirming beneath Dana. 

She had been waiting for this the whole time, feeling overwhelmed as she slowly adjusted to the touch. She felt the heat built inside of her, a raging fire that smothered within, waiting to be lit. Dana took one of her nipples in her mouth, her tongue flicking over it. She ran her fingers through Stella's folds all the way from her entrance to her clit, slipping two fingers inside easily. 

She moved her fingers slow at first, gradually increasing the intensity, sucking her nipples just a little harder. Stella cried out in pleasure, mumbling softly when Scully found just the right spot. She abandoned her breasts, placing feather-light kisses on Stella's throat.

"You are so beautiful," Scully whispered against her lips and she was briefly taken aback by the emotion in her voice. 

She used her other hand to wipe a few strands of hair from her forehead, her hand resting on her cheek. It was one of the most intimate moments she had ever found herself in. She had never really looked at people she had sex with; she never saw them but with Dana she just couldn't look away. She didn't want to run but savor every second of it. She felt her muscles clamp on her fingers, ignoring her slightly sore wrist because she didn't want to move it, afraid that it might ruin the moment. 

"Don't stop," Stella begged her, afraid that Scully would tease her and leave her hanging just for the sake of it and it would be more than she could take at the moment. 

"Come for me," Scully whispered against her lips and kissed her, swallowing the sounds coming from Stella; it was hot and heady, tongues sliding, breath quickening, teeth clashing. 

Her hand rested on Stella's forehead, sealing her lips in a wet and sloppy kiss when Stella's body tensed as the orgasm rushed through her body. Scully felt her muscles clench around her fingers, slowly pumping in and out while she slowly came down from her high. Stella moaned into her mouth, her fingernails digging into her back.  
Scully sighed, leaning her head against her shoulder; gently kissing her shoulder, she tasted the slightly salty layer of sweat. A heady combination that smelled faintly of lavender and sex.  
Stella forced her eyes open and looked at the ceiling. Her body felt limb and her mind blank. She tried to catch her breath, feeling emotionally overwhelmed by the orgasm. Slowly, she turned her head towards Scully kissing her. 

She raised her hand, caressing Dana’s cheek with the back of her fingers. They stayed like this for a few moments, quietly reveling in the post-orgasmic bliss, feeling strangely calm and soothed. Stella felt a little light-headed, her heart racing unevenly in her chest. 

"I need a drink," she said after a while. "But I'm afraid I can't move," she said and Scully chuckled softly. 

She turned around anyway, sliding off the bed. She didn't bother with clothes, walking to the kitchen in all her naked glory. Scully laid down on her stomach, hugging the pillow. She waited for Stella to return and closed her eyes for a moment. She heard the soft padding of Stella's bare feet, felt the bed shift when she dropped on it and all of a sudden Scully gasped when she felt something cold on her back. 

"Oh jeez," she said surprised and sat up. 

It took only a couple of seconds to identify the sudden sensation and her heartbeat slowed down a little. The ice cube melted softly on her lower back, water running down the side of her hip. Stella watched her with a smile while sipping a glass of cold water. She was amazed by the woman in her bed and how at ease she seemed, how content she appeared. There were so many things she didn't know about her but she knew she never wanted her to leave again.  
She looked at the tattoo, remembering the first night she had touched her there and it still filled her with a strange sense of affection. She had seen the scar on Dana's neck, slightly faded but still visible and she wondered where it came from. 

"You want some?" Stella asked softly and Dana sat in front of her. 

"So," Stella said after a few moments, taking the glass from Dana to put it on the bedside table. "I believe I didn't get to finish earlier," she said and moved closer to Dana, sitting between her legs. "In fact I didn't really start," she said and moved forward, pushing Dana back. She propped herself up on her elbows, watching Stella. 

Scully laughed but didn't say anything, feeling something different stir inside of her.

"Kiss me," Scully whispered, suddenly craving the close physical contact, and Stella moved in on her, a hand in her neck. 

She felt the scar with her fingertips; the one she had seen earlier. They kissed for a while, slow and sensual and Scully felt the faint throb at her center. It had not stopped for a while, she had just blocked it out while focussing on Stella. She laid back on the bed, pulling Stella on top, spreading her legs to give her more space. Their bodies melted against each other, soft and warm.  
She felt Stella's hand in her neck, gently brushing the faded scar tissue. She couldn't see it but she always knew it was right there, reminding her of life and death alike. She didn't want to go back to the dark time in her life but all of a sudden she found herself slipping back, far away from Stella.

She abandoned Dana's lips, slowly making her descend further down and gently flicked her tongue over erect nipples, leaving a trail behind with her tongue. She placed feather-light kisses on Dana's hip bones; she smelled her arousal, dying to taste her.  
Her hands brushed the insides of Dana's thigh, gently pushing them further apart. She scooted down a little, moving her arms under Scully's thigh, reaching for her hands. She entwined their fingers, looked up at Dana, quietly asking for permission.  
She knew what Stella was about to do, it's not like she hadn't done this before but something about this was different. She raised her head, her eyes locking with Stella's while she waited and Scully thought that she had never experienced a more intimate moment in her life.  
All the years of unrequited love, endless longing and painful loneliness came crushing down on her at once. She didn't know where it came from but the fact that Stella was tending to her very own needs, asking for her permission stirred emotions she didn't even know she had. She had felt lonely, invisible and unloved for a long, long time, and a lot of times she still did, but the way Stella looked at her she knew that she really saw her and she felt a little less invisible. 

It wasn't reassuring, it was lifesaving in some way and she needed it to hold on to and it brought tears to her eyes. She laid her head back, looked at the ceiling while her vision blurred in front of her. She inhaled shakily, trying to control her breathing but Stella sensed that something was off. She had noticed the shift in her mood, her body was tensed and it wasn't pleasure. Stella felt a brief surge of panic rush through her, wondering what she had done wrong; the least thing she wanted was to hurt Dana or make her uncomfortable. 

"Dana," Stella whispered mildly concerned. "Hey," she said softly and moved up to look at the other woman while she turned her head away. 

Scully felt stupid, embarrassed by her sudden state of mind but she found herself unable to push it away. She had spent too many years, trying to keep her emotions bottled up and hidden without ever having someone to confide in that it now seemed to crash on her with full force. She bit her lip, hot scalding tears running down her temples. 

"We don't have to..." Stella said, her voice full of concern. 

"No, no," Scully said and shook her head. 

Her voice was choking while she tried not to cry. 

"That's not it," Scully spoke slowly, the pressure on her chest made it hard to breathe. 

"I'm so sorry," she said, feeling embarrassed and stupid. 

"Don't be," Stella said. "Talk to me," she pulled Dana up, sliding to the edge of the bed. 

As the tears fell from her eyes, Stella made a decision, got up and found her some clothes to put on. Quietly, she handed Scully pj's, slipping her own ones on at the same time. It wasn't like the moment of intimacy and desire was gone, it had simply shifted a little. She returned to the bed, sitting down behind Scully with one arm around her shoulders. She placed a gentle kiss on her shoulder, resting her cheek against it while she held her tightly from behind. 

The moment she felt Stella's arms around her the emotions flooded her. She cried, holding on to Stella and wondered what had changed all of a sudden. She knew that all it took sometimes was the tiniest trigger; a certain smell, a touch at the wrong time or a simple look and an act of caring.

She had felt lonely for so many years, mourning the loss of her children quietly because she didn't have friends or people she trusted and she wasn't in a position to share that without making a fool of herself and now she was here, feeling comforted and appreciated and it suddenly seemed too much to bear. She had embraced that feeling of isolation out of necessity and the sole purpose of survival, feeling that she had not been able to be sad when she was with Mulder. She had loved him so much but it had cost too much strength over the years when things took a turn for the worse and she felt like she hadn't been able to allow herself not to be strong.

"What happened?" Stella asked, whispering against her shoulder. She felt that Dana's sorrow came from somewhere deep within, something she had hidden for years and she now seemed to trust Stella enough to let go. 

She felt touched, wondering how long it would take herself to get there.  
Dana took Stella's hand, guiding her to her own neck. She had touched the scar before.

"You feel that?" She asked, knowing that she had but she didn't know where else to start.

"Yes," Stella answered, waiting for Dana to go on.

"It nearly killed me years ago," she explained quietly, feeling the pain inside her chest. 

"I had cancer... That's the only reminder I have of that time. I can't see it but it's always there," she said and the fresh tears brimmed in her eyes. 

It wasn't the whole truth but it was all she could give away; the fact that she had been robbed of the ability to have children on her own still hurt deeply and she couldn't talk about it.

"I'm so sorry," Stella whispered, feeling utterly touched and surprised.  
This was not how she had imagined the night to be but it felt right somehow and maybe it was how it should be. She had not expected this in a million years and her eyes filled with tears. She blinked them away, glad that Dana couldn't see her. All of a sudden the thought of losing Dana seemed too much. She was surprised by the fear and that thought, having just found her she considered it a terrifying thought.

She turned around, laying down on the bed. They were only inches apart, the feeling of Stella's warm body comforting her.

"I'm sorry," Scully said again. "I ruined it.“

"You didn't ruin anything," Stella said and put a hand on Scully's cheek. 

She looked at the woman in front of her, meaning every word she said. She wanted Dana so much but she wasn't bothered at all. She had always considered Dana to be such a strong woman, and she believed she still was, but it now dawned on her that things hadn't been always easy for her, to put it mildly. She couldn't even imagine the horrible things that Dana had to endure during her time with the FBI.

"It happened during my fourth year with the FBI," Dana explained. 

It felt weird to talk about it after all this time; she had never addressed that topic again. 

"I started feeling weak and poorly. At some point I just knew that something was wrong," she said and shook her head. "I didn't want to know the truth. I just kept thinking that it wouldn't happen to me. As a doctor I always thought I would be invincible.“

"But you are here now," Stella said quietly.

"It was a miracle," Scully said, silent tears running down the sides of her face because that was one of the few parts that weren't a lie. She knew that, if it wasn't for Mulder, she wouldn't be here today. 

"He never left my side," Scully said with a sad smile. "I was terrified," she explained. "But he never left my side; he was my partner," Scully said. "I was terrified and still alone somehow. I thought I could do it on my own, I didn't want to burden anyone…“

Stella watched her. She knew that there was a time in her life when she loved Mulder deeply and maybe that would never change, she understood that. Many years ago she had lost her father and she didn't even want to imagine the horrible things Dana had to endure; couldn't even remotely imagine her suffering.

"I never talked about it again," Dana said calmly. "I started getting better and I refused to talk about it again," she repeated. "I just couldn't do it.“

"You are such an incredibly strong woman, Dana Scully," Stella said softly and took her hand, leaning in to kiss her on the lips. They stayed like that for a while and Stella felt something inside of her change before she drifted off to sleep, emotionally drained but comforted.

***

_She stepped into her flat and looked around. It was dark and eerily quiet. She heard voices from somewhere far away but she couldn't place them or recognized any of the sounds. She was safe in her own home, certain that nothing could hurt her here. It had felt strange when she returned after being gone for such a long tine but there was still something incredibly soothing about it.Stella stood in her living room, trying to figure out what to do. She held her bag in her right hand, wondering what to do next. She sighed and waited. All of a sudden she felt like she was being watched, a cold shiver running down her spine. She listened closely, her heart pounding furiously inside her chest. Her entire body was alert, ready to fight or run for her life. She felt eyes on her, eyes she couldn't see; they were lurking from somewhere in the shadows. Slowly, she moved her head but everything looked just the way it should be but that was terribly deceiving sometimes._

_She had to find her, Stella thought. She wanted to; she needed it. She was looking for her, not knowing who she was but she knew she had to find her. Slowly, her feet carried her through her own flat, navigating in the semi-darkness. The voices, she had heard earlier, were gone and there was nothing but oppressing silence weighing down on her.  
She stood in her bedroom, knowing that something was wrong but she didn't know what it was. She hadn't found her and all of a sudden she felt terrified and lost. She knew she should get out of here as long as she could, run before it was too late but her feet wouldn't obey and she couldn't move at all. Stella was scared, felt the fear tingle in her fingertips, her heart raging and the blood rush in her ears.She closed her eyes for a brief second and when she opened them again there was nothing but darkness around her. _

_She had lost her way, she thought. Given too much away and now she paid the price for it._

_"Don't be afraid," he whispered and Stella felt the blood in her veins freeze over._

_No, she thought. No, it can't be him._

_She wanted to turn around and look at him but her body was frozen with fear. Stella saw him from the corner of her eye, moving slow and deliberate. He was moving in on its prey, having won the battle either way. She wanted to kill him with her bare hands, punish him for what he had done; she wanted to yell at him but she couldn't even lift a finger.Paul Spector smiled at her when he stepped in front of her, right into her personal space. He looked down at her and she smelled him, a wave of nausea washing over her._

_"Don't be afraid," he said again, speaking calmly and sweetly._

_Stella looked down, finding herself naked and exposed. Her clothes were gone but she couldn't move. Her eyes filled with tears, her vision blurring in front of her eyes. She opened her mouth to scream for help but the sound was stuck in her throat. She couldn't scream; no matter how hard she tried no one heard her. He laid his strong arms around her and she wanted to fight him but she couldn't. The tears ran down her cheeks in dead silence, then she felt his bare hands on her back. He ran them up and down her spin and she held her breath and waited. His grip around her tightened and she felt his hands on her lower back, scratching and piercing the skin with his fingernails. She felt the pain and the sting when it happened; felt the warm blood trickle down slowly and then it all went dark._

***

"Stella," Scully said softly, trying to shake her awake by her shoulder.

She had a tormented, terrified look on her face. She looked incredibly stressed while her body refused to wake from her nightmare. Stella heard her voice; slowly she was able to tell them apart. To know which one belonged to her dream and which one didn't. Her senses slowly came to life and she smelled her; a faint scent of lavender and sex and Dana. She turned a little, felt the sting on her lower back. She felt the ghost of a touch where his hands had been and although she knew this hadn't been real it was painful and filled her with pain and emptiness.  
Stella finally opened her eyes, looking at Dana. She looked worried for a moment but she didn't touch her, not knowing what how she would react.

"Are you ok?" She whispered but Stella couldn't talk. 

She sat up, reaching for the small journal that waited on the bedside table. Dana waited while Stella wrote down the memories of her nightmare. Scully sighed, feeling exhausted and emotionally drained herself, knowing that something had been lifted off her shoulders at the same time. She had shared one of the most painful memories of her life and, as painful as it had been to go back to that place, she felt a little more at ease now. She didn't want to lie about anything, she had lied for far too long and she couldn't do that any more.  
Stella seemed so far away all of a sudden, lost in her own thoughts while the remnants of her dream still clung to her. Dana wanted to hug her but she wasn't sure that's what Stella wanted so she waited quietly; she was so close and still so far away.

"Yes," she said and wiped her eyes with her hands. "I didn't mean to wake you," she said and swung her legs off the bed. "I'll make some coffee," Stella said and left without looking back. 

She grabbed her knitted cardigan from the floor and put it on while she walked to the kitchen. The rest of their clothes were still scattered all over the floor but she couldn't be bothered to pick them up now. She sighed, and opened a cupboard, amazed by how fast things changed sometimes.  
She felt calm and thoughtful, the images of her night still vivid and present in her mind. Unfortunately it hadn't been one of those dreams that you failed to remember but one of those that lingered with you long after you woke up. Stella wasn't sure what to make of those images. He was dead and it was over, nothing would ever change that.  
She thought of Dana and what happened between them last night. She was scared by all of this because Dana had stirred feelings inside of her that she had denied herself for years. She had not allowed herself to fall in love or get attached to anyone because she had been afraid to get hurt or appear vulnerable.  
She had always remained a mystery to most of the people she had got involved with, not tolerating personal questions or anything else for that matter. It had been nothing but sex and pleasure and she had been okay with that for so long. Now she found herself in a position where things started to change. She wanted to be with Dana and she needed to make sure that she was ok, it was no longer just about herself. It was something she had to learn and it scared her. She wasn't always sure what was right or wrong, she wasn't good at these things.

She was afraid to give too much away.

But why? 

She wondered while she waited for the coffee to finish, the smell slowly filling the empty room. Was she afraid that Dana would bail out if she knew about her past? It now struck her that she had her own baggage and that it might be just as scary for her and the truth was that Stella didn't want to run at all. Dana had trusted her and that made Stella feel a little less lonely, a little less like a failure.  
She heard Dana behind her, approaching slowly. She had given her a few moments to gather her thoughts but she would not ignore what had happened. Stella couldn't bring herself to turn around just yet, sleep still weighing heavily in her limbs.  
Scully leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She regarded Stella quietly, feeling a sense of deep empathy and compassion washing over her. She had shared one of her darkest and scariest moments and while that memory still filled her with a dull ache it also made her feel a little lighter at the same time. She knew that Stella was suffering, that something terrible had disturbed her sleep and she wanted nothing more than to comfort her and make her feel loved because something told her that she had not had that feeling often.  
Dana walked into the kitchen, put both hands on Stella's hips and kissed her neck. If she couldn't find the right words then she would find other ways to offer what was needed. Stella sighed, the tension in her body slowly easing off. Scully's hands slowly slid under her shirt, caressing the bare skin of her stomach, so soft and still warm from sleep. She allowed her fingers to travel a little lower, softly sucking the skin on Stella's neck.

"Dana," Stella whispered, slowly giving in. She knew where this was heading, it had been obvious from the first touch.

"Mhm," Scully whispered against her, sucking the soft skin below her pulse, drawing a gentle moan from Stella's lips. 

"Turn around," Scully said and she did. 

Stella found herself trapped between the counter and Dana's body, her breasts pressing against the other woman. She captured Dana's lips in a hungry kiss, cupping her breasts through the thin fabric of her tank top to at the same time and Stella felt a wave of anticipation rush through her sleepy body, the first signs of arousal slowly gathering between her legs.  
Scully kissed her fiercely, their teeth clashing and tongues teasing and she found herself moaning into Stella's mouth. She rolled her nipples between two fingers, teasing her through the soft fabric. She pulled the shirt down, freeing her boobs to flick her tongue over sensitive nipples. Stella gripped the edge of the counter with both hands, tilting her head back with closed eyes.  
Stella waited, expected Dana to meet her lips but she didn't. She opened her eyes, looking at Dana who got on her knees slowly. She never lost Stella out of sight, her lips brushing against her hipbone and Stella sighed.  
Stella looked at Dana, her face only inches away from her throbbing center. She knew that she had never done that to anyone before but for some reason she trusted Stella enough to put her worries aside. She sensed Dana's hot breath, instantly parting her legs a little wider. She had always been the one to pleasure others like this, had loved the feeling of power it gave her but she had never been first.  
Dana didn't want to think about it, worry about making a mistake. All she knew was that she wanted to taste Stella with her tongue; she smelled her arousal and hooked her fingers under the waistband of her pants and pulled them down, kissing the insides of Stella's thighs.  
Stella sighed above her, kicking her pants aside while Scully moved between her legs. Dana was slow, her lips brushing the soft, damp curls before her lips closed around her clit.

"Oh God," Stella whispered, her chest heaving. Scully ran her tongue through her folds, spreading the wetness and Stella's eyelids fluttered. Scully lifted her thigh, putting it above her shoulder and Stella leaned her weight on her arms, taking a bit of the weight off Dana.  
Her tongue slid lower, circling Stella's opening and her stomach clenched. It had taken seconds for her to be this turned on and she never wanted it to end. Dana looked up while she closed her lips around Stella's clit, slowly sucking the sensitive bundle of nerves, and met Stella's eyes. Stella raised her hand from the counter, brushing the hair from Dana's face. She held it back, watched her with quiet adoration while Dana slowly ate her out in her kitchen, the fire raging within her. 

She slid two fingers inside Stella's pussy, her tongue brushing over her clit.

"Jesus Dana," Stella hissed between clenched teeth, moving her hips to meet Scully's tongue. 

The grip on her hair tightened a little, encouraging Dana while she felt herself getting wetter every thrust of her tongue. 

"Yes…" Stella breathed. "Yes, right there.“

Scully closed her lips around her clit while pumping her fingers in and out of Stella's wet pussy, her arousal coating her fingers and her lips. She felt Stella's muscles clench around her fingers, the weight of her body on her shoulder. Her thigh pressed against her face.

"Don't stop," Stella said, tilting her head back on a moan; Dana found herself moaning against Stella's wet pussy, the feeling was glorious, the smell intoxicating. 

Scully sucked harder, her fingers hitting her soft g-spot and Stella bucked her hips, thrusting against her face. Her moans turned into soft whimpering; she wanted to come desperately.

"Fuck," Stella cried out, her legs quivering while her muscles clenched around her fingers. 

She arched her back and Scully never took her eyes off Stella. She looked so beautiful. She gasped and moaned, her fingers gripping the edge and her hair a little harder. God, she felt amazing, so soft, so warm. She gasped sharply, back arching, legs clenched; her body shaking. Her drawn-out moan made Scully so wet and it was the most delicious thing she had ever experienced. Her tongue slowed down while Stella rode out her orgasm, withdrawing her fingers. She wiped them on her pants before she rose and Stella pulled her into a breathless kiss, sucking her own juices off Dana's warm lips.  
Her mind was swimming in the afterglow of the orgasm; they sighed into the kiss, her tongue delicious and wet against her own. She felt her inner walls pulse, throbbing with the aftershocks of the orgasm she had just had. Dana pulled her lips away from Stella, and brought them to her ear.

"That was amazing," Scully whispered and Stella shuddered when her hot breath brushed over her sensitive skin.

"I can't believe you just did that," Stella said and bit her lip, feeling touched and overwhelmed.  
For an instant she felt tears in her eyes, blinking them away with a sigh. Scully wrapped her arms around Stella, covering her partially naked body while they stood in the kitchen. They held each other quietly for a couple of moments; it was still snowing outside.

"I made coffee," Stella said calmly and Scully laughed softly but didn't move out of the embrace.


	9. But Do Thy Worst To Steal Thyself Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/i2zLDcRVZ0RunuFPGF/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/i2zLDcRVZ0RunuFPGF/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I just like to say that I love Mulder and Scully with all my heart. I adore them and their relationship, as bittersweet and wonderful as it may be. I still believe, with all my heart, that their love story is not only the most beautiful but also the saddest one I have ever seen. I love them with all my heart but this has been on my mind forever and I needed to write this down. Please be aware that this is, first and foremost, a story about Dana and Stella._

_But do thy worst to steal thyself away,_  
_For term of life thou art assured mine;_  
_And life no longer than thy love will stay,_  
_For it depends upon that love of thine._  
_Then need I not to fear the worst of wrongs,_  
_When in the least of them my life hath end._  
_I see a better state to me belongs_  
_Than that which on thy humour doth depend;_  
_Thou canst not vex me with inconstant mind,_  
_Since that my life on thy revolt doth lie._  
_O, what a happy title do I find,_  
_Happy to have thy love, happy to die!_  
    _But what's so blessed-fair that fears no blot?_  
    _Thou mayst be false, and yet I know it not._

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 92]_

***

Stella had her arms wrapped around Dana, feeling calm and at ease. It was quiet around them as if the snow absorbed all sounds, leaving them in an undisturbed bliss so early in the morning. The snowstorm was still raging outside, showing no signs of slowing down its endless white descend.  
It fell upon the city, covering the ugly truths under a blanket of pure white beauty, forcing the city to slow down a little as it proceeded to fall with no mercy.  
Dana felt Stella's partially naked body clinging to her slender form, breathing in the scent of sleep, sex and coffee.

"Are you ok?" She asked against the soft, warm skin of her neck; her head resting on her shoulder.

"Yes," Stella whispered, inhaling deeply.

The demons and the horrible memories of the nightmare that had disturbed her sleep, slowly faded.  
A little later Scully found herself curled up on Stella's couch, a fresh cup of coffee in her hand. The previous one had turned cold after Stella's hands had been a little bit too distracting. She smiled into her cup, sipping slowly while she remembered their most recent encounter and what Stella's hands, and her tongue, had done to her. She felt herself squirm at the memory, a shiver of anticipation rushing through her body and Scully wondered whether that would ever fade. She heard Stella's voice in the background, talking to someone from work, and closed her eyes.

***

_Stella turned them around without breaking the embrace and Scully found her backside pressed against the edge of the counter. She held on to Stella, a sigh escaping her lips. Her pants were still damp with her own arousal, a faint throb still present at her center ever since she'd pleasured Stella. She had not expected it to turn her on so much but then again nothing really surprised her anymore. Stella put both hands on the counter on either side of Dana._

_"Did you like it?" She whispered against her lips and Scully trembled a little._

_The desire had not faded since stepping across the threshold last night and the quick orgasm, that had surprised her without Stella even touching her, had done little to satisfy her._

_"Yes," she answered in a low voice; Stella's lips formed a smile but she didn't close the distance between them._

_Before she had a chance to change her mind Scully reached for her hand, slowly guiding it into her pants, gasping at the feeling of Stella's fingers finding her wet and aching center.  
Stella watched her, their faces inches apart. She felt Stella's hot breath on her own lips, her eyes closed. She teased her clit in slow circles for a while, taking her sweet time because the look of pleasure and sweet torture on Dana's face made her heart swell, filling her with tremendous joy._

_"Get up there," Stella whispered in a low voice, stepping closer._

_Scully hopped on the counter, parting her knees to let Stella stand between them, only to wrap her legs around Stella's waist when she had found her place. She pulled her in for a long, breath-taking kiss, humming appreciatively into her mouth. Stella's fingers hooked under the waistband of her pants, pulling them down and out of the way. She had already forgotten that she was almost naked herself. Scully leaned back on her elbows, watching Stella.  
She nodded without a word when the blonde looked at her, wasting no time to pepper her throat with chaste kisses until she reached the part she was heading for. _

_Scully parted her legs, her knees dropping to the side at an almost uncomfortable angle; sensing Stella's presence so close to her most intimate parts sent a shiver down her spine. She took a deep breath, her chest heaving in anticipation. She briefly wondered why she appeared nervous; it's not like she hadn't done this before but the only other person had been Mulder. It's not like she hadn't enjoyed it, quite the contrary, but it had been different somehow. There was something entirely different about the whole affair with Stella; it was gentler and more intimate than anything she remembered ever having with Mulder._

_It seemed to touch her on a deeper, more personal level._

_Scully moaned softly when Stella kissed the insides of her thighs. The smell of Dana's fresh arousal invaded her senses, encouraging her. Dana didn't know what to do with her hands. There was nothing to hold on to so she put her hands on Stella's, softly kneading her breasts while her hot breath caressed the sensitive skin around her pussy. Stella kissed her, moving slow and deliberate. For a little while longer she avoided putting her lips where Dana wanted it most. The sounds of her, softly moaning, sounded like music to her ears. It encouraged her, turned her on more than anything else she had experienced before. She was wet and swollen and oh so ready, waiting expectantly and impatient._  
Stella kissed her throbbing clit; a feather-light kiss on sensitive skin that felt like ice on sun kissed skin after a long hot day. She gasped at the feeling and Stella felt Dana's fingers dig into her shoulder. She parted her folds with two fingers, slowly running her tongue through them, reveling in the exquisite taste. It was salty and sweet and so unique and it took away the ability to focus. Slowly, she repeated the motion with the tip of her tongue, from her entrance all the way to her clit.  
Scully parted her lips, aware of the sounds escaping her mouth. She felt herself getting wetter every time Stella's tongue brushed the sensitive bundle of nerves; like hot water flush from her center to every part of her body. She felt it start at the bottom of her feet, curling her toes when Stella's lips closed around her clit, rushing up her legs with a hot and tingly feeling. It was a swelling pleasure, ebbing back and forth at the touch of Stella's eager tongue. Slowly, she sucked her throbbing clit, teasing it with her warm mouth until Dana was panting beneath her. She groaned in frustration when Stella leaned back, taking in the mesmerizing picture in front of her. Scully felt the pleasure simmer within her body, setting her nerves on fire. It was an overwhelming sensation that took her breath away, a fine layer of sweat breaking out all over her skin.  
Stella teased her with two fingers; brushing them over slick and swollen folds she spread the juices before she inserted two fingers and Dana arched her back, leaning into the touch. Stella curled her fingers upward a bit finding just the right spot that melted Dana against the cold surface she was lying on. Her moans turned into something more urgent, more desperate while Stella fingered her at an agonizingly slow pace. Scully's eyes were shut, her brow furrowed in concentration while she bit her lip. The feeling of Stella's fingers pumping in and out of her took her breath away; she sensed every movement, every nerve end on fire. 

_"Oh... Fuck," Scully cried out; it was a mixture of agonizing pain and endless pleasure gradually taking away her ability to form coherent thoughts, reducing her to a mumbling mess._

_Stella's mouth was back on her, sucking her clit with no rush at all. Her mouth mimicked the slow pace that her fingers set and it was constantly building up towards an orgasm that would crush her. The tingle that had started off slow was now rushing up her spine; lightning igniting within her. All her muscles felt warm and full, every inch of her body expecting the impending release.  
Stella sucked a little harder, an arm across Dana's hip to keep her still. _

_Her position was slightly uncomfortable but she didn't dare to move; she felt Dana's hands in her hair. She heard her voice, mumbling inaudibly while she was swept away. She held on to Stella, having arched into the touch not too long ago she now found herself squirming away when it threatened to overwhelm her. She was panting, chest heaving, her hands tugging. She heard her own voice, crying out from somewhere far away while the blood, rushing in her ears, drowned out the sounds. Stella was mercilessly sucking her clit, her fingers brushing the spongy spot inside of her repeatedly._

_She felt Dana's body tense, her squirming slowed down a little. Her hands held on to Stella's hair, tugging almost uncomfortably. She pulled her closer while her body fought the urge to put an end to it. The pleasure washed over her, her thighs trembling a little and Stella felt her arousal on her face and her hands. For an instant Scully thought she was falling with nothing to hold on to until her senses slowly came back to her. The sensation of Stella's lips on her was so overwhelming that her eyes glistened with tears and she pulled her up with her hands, begging her to stop and Stella got the hint. Gently she dropped onto Scully, her heart pounding against her chest._  
She gave her a couple of seconds to gather her wits before she slid on the chair, pulling Dana with her.  
"Come here," she whispered and Dana straddled her, putting her head on Stella's shoulder. 

_She was lulled in by a post-orgasmic bliss, unable to say or do anything at the moment. She was almost naked without feeling exposed, felt the sticky arousal on her thighs but she didn't want to change a thing about this moment. Stella pulled her cardigan around both of them, attempting to cover them both just a little but it didn't matter._

***

"Remembering something?" Stella asked quietly, a smile on her face.

Her left hand was brushing the soft skin of her neck and she hadn't even noticed.

"Mhm?" Dana said and smiled into the cup, slowly sipping.

Stella knew exactly what she was thinking about and Scully knew what she was asking for but it didn't need to be said. 

"Everything ok?" Scully asked and Stella nodded and dropped on the couch next to Dana.

"Looks like I won't be going into work," she said and for the first time she didn't dread it.

She had always used her work, and every opportunity to get away from her empty home, as a distraction.

"I suppose I won't be able to get away from here either..." Scully said half-heartedly because that was the least thing she wanted and it suited her just fine.  
"I don't mind that," Stella said quietly. "Not at all.“

Dana smiled, offering her half finished cup of coffee to Stella. She took it without a word, sipping the lukewarm beverage but she didn't mind. Dana leaned her head on her hand, watching Stella from the side. She felt calm and utterly serene; comforted and soothed.

"Talk to me, Stella," Dana said softly.

She would be fine sitting here quietly because it didn't feel uncomfortable but the sound of Stella's voice was comforting and she needed to know more about the woman who had turned her life upside down. 

"Tell me something about you?“

Stella sighed, sipping the coffee in silence, wondering what to tell Dana. She felt a sudden sadness settle within her chest, a sober reality setting in.

"I don't know what to say," Stella said, staring ahead lost in thoughts.

She shook her head, trying to make up her mind. She thought about her life and how special it must appear to some people. She was a fierce, tough Detective Superintendent; the man-eating, icy queen who must be having so much fun but if she looked at it from a different, more personal angle it wasn't anything close to that.  
Stella thought about her life and the many choices she had made, wondering how many had been terribly wrong. 

What did she have in her life, except for her work? She couldn't tell.

Except for her mother, she didn't have any family left, and their relationship had been difficult ever since. There had never been mother-daughter bonding, no special time with her mother or interests shared. Most of the time her mother had even failed to pretend that she was interested in anything Stella had done. Her father had died when she was very young and she didn't have siblings or grandparents left. There were no loving family vacations and memories to be shared because all Stella remembered was a family torn apart and a little girl trapped between two parties.  
She didn't have friends, except for Irene whom she had met recently, but apart from her there was no one in her life. The few colleagues she interacted with were not the kind of people who called after work or remembered your birthday. The strangers she met in bars brought her pleasure for a few hours until the dull emptiness settled in and she doubted her choices, but they didn't ask her how she was doing when she had been working a particularly difficult case.  
Stella remembered all the birthdays that had passed unnoticed because she didn't feel like celebrating. She had never known who to invite, always thought that no one cared. She had spent most of her birthdays alone, in the brief comfort of a strangers bed, lulled in by sorrow in the early hours of the morning when she had given in to loneliness, alcohol and bitterness.

What was there to say?

It had been a simple question, something that she should be able to answer without having to give it a second thought but now that she felt safe in Dana's comfort a part of her wanted to admit the painful truth that had been lingering within her through all these years.  
She wanted to have that oppressing feeling lifted off her shoulders, she wanted to cry and be angry; she wanted to be hold and let go of all her anger and her pain. Just for one moment she wanted to let go of all responsibilities; ignore bad decisions and feel careless. She wanted someone to hold her and make her feel safe and tell her that everything would be all right.

Stella had spent too many times succumbing to her demons and weaknesses and, as strong she appeared to be, she felt herself growing tired, her resilience slowly wearing off. There was an incredible amount of loneliness edged into her bones and it was terrifying to let go off something that had been so comforting for so many years. It wasn't until she met Dana that she started to notice how much harm this had done and that she needed to let go before it destroyed her or caused her to do irreparable harm to herself.  
She felt incredibly lost all of a sudden, a long-suppressed reality dawning on her and she didn't know how to deal with it. As much as she wanted to feel Dana's arms wrapped around her body, she wanted to run away because she needed space to breathe and gather her thoughts.  
Dana watched her, trying to figure out where things had gone wrong. She sensed that something had happened and changed inside of Stella but she couldn't put her finger on it.  
Just a few seconds ago everything had seemed fine but she also knew that they had just been scratching the surface, slowly uncovering the heavy and protective layers that had previously kept them alive.  
Stella looked lost and vulnerable and it was not something Dana was comfortable with. From the very first moment she had seen Stella as a strong woman who knew what she wanted, knew how to get it. It was almost intimidating but after a while she had noticed that there was so much more to it; she was protecting her extremely vulnerable self. Stella was so keen on protecting herself that she didn't notice that she was the one doing the most damage. Scully took a slow, deep breath. She wanted to reach out to her but she seemed so far away.

Who was she to judge? Scully thought. 

Wasn't that the same thing she had been doing for years? She had tried to protect herself, pushing her own needs far away.

"I'm sorry," Dana said softly, sensing that she had hit a soft spot. "You don't have to…"

"It's ok," Stella said quietly, putting the unfinished cup of coffee on the small table. Scully watched her rise from the couch. 

"I just... Need..." Stella said, trying to figure out what it was that she needed. She didn't want to hurt Dana or make her feel like she did anything wrong. 

"I just need a shower," Stella said, wondering whether that would help to flush away the negativity that threatened to drown her.

"Ok," Dana said calmly and nodded.

She new that Stella needed space and she would wait until she reached out to her when she was ready. Her fingers brushed Scully's shoulder when she walked by; a reassuring gesture that reminded her of the fact that she was still right there.  
A couple of minutes later she heard the shower run and leaned back into the soft cushions. It wasn't even 9am but it was so quiet that it seemed earlier; time was moving slower. She allowed herself to doze off a little before she forced herself to get up. She grabbed the cup of coffee from the table, a smile crossing her lips when she entered the kitchen. She shook her head and emptied the cold coffee in the sink and quietly wiped down the counter when she thought of something.  
She remembered that she had some dark chocolate in her bag. She went to find it, knowing exactly what to do with it.  
A couple of minutes later Stella returned to the living room, feeling a little bit lighter. She had dropped her pj's for soft pants and a shirt, feeling clean and fresh. She heard Dana in the kitchen but didn't check on her. She dropped herself onto the couch, closing her eyes for a second.  
She smelled something sweet but couldn't place it. She heard Dana return, standing above her when she opened her eyes. She didn't say anything, simply smiled down at her. Stella now found herself in the exact same position that Dana had been in when she had offered her chocolate the first time Dana had spent the night.  
Scully looked at her, a wave of relief washing over her when she noticed the smallest hint of a smile playing around Stella's eyes. Whatever had tormented her earlier was gone. She looked adorable without make up, her beautiful freckles visible on her face. Her eyes looked glassy and slightly puffy because she had been crying but she didn't dwell on it. Dana leaned down slowly, placing the softest kiss on Stella's forehead.

She appeared surprised for a moment but incredibly touched at the same time.

"I made you something," Dana said, walking around the couch to sit with Stella. She handed her a cup of hot chocolate and it put a smile on Stella's face.

"My God," she said quietly. "I don't even remember the last time I had this," she said and Dana understood. 

She was usually a coffee and tea person but every once in a while, when she needed a little bit of extra comfort, her sweet tooth won over.

"It's delicious," Stella said and leaned back. "Thank you.“

"Are you ok?" Scully asked and Stella nodded.

"I will be," she said because she was certain of it. Sooner or later she would be ok, she just needed a little bit of patience and time to heal.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Stella asked and turned her head to look at the woman next to her.  
"Sticky," Scully said and Stella laughed into her cup. "I'm gonna need to get cleaned up a bit," Dana said after a few minutes. 

Stella remained on the couch, comfortably nestled in between cushions and a blanket with half a cup of delicious hot chocolate in her hand. She reached for her phone to check her mails only to find herself turning it off after five minutes because she decided that she couldn't care less at the moment.  
Instead she reached for the remote, doing something she hadn't done in ages. She switched on the tv, finding just what she needed and leaned back into the pillows.  
She didn't notice Dana returning to her, smiling at the image she found there. Stella was asleep on the couch, looking more beautiful than Scully had ever seen her. She walked over to her; wanted to kiss her soft lips but she also didn't want to wake her. She sat down, carefully leaning over to place a feather-light kiss on Stella's warm lips, putting her head in Stella's lap.  
Stella sighed, opening her eyes. She looked down at Scully and smiled, leaning forward to kiss her on her lips.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Scully said.

"You can wake me any time," Stella said, her thumb brushing over Scully's cheek. Dana turned her head, looking at the tv screen.

" _I Love Lucy_?" Scully asked with a smile. 

Stella didn't strike her as a person who would spend her time watching any kind of tv show but maybe that was simply because she had never had time for that herself. She had never had a single thing that she watched regularly, her working hours had never allowed that and she had often been too tired. She remembered returning home at ungodly hours, after working one of their mysterious cases, putting the tv on to distract herself but she had never paid attention.

Stella shrugged with a smile.

"You never struck me as a person to watch tv at all," Dana said, thinking that I Love Lucy seemed fitting somehow.

"I don't," Stella said, never taking her eyes off Dana. "I always loved Lucy," Stella admitted. "It's my guilty pleasure."  
Dana looked at the screen, the black and white show flickering across the. She couldn't remember having seen many episodes back in the day and the show had been somewhat old by the time she started watching re-runs but she recognized the scene that was on now. It was the one with Lucy trying to make herself comfortable in a hammock.  
The sound of Stella chuckling softly sounded like music to her ears. Dana found herself looking away after a couple of seconds; she watched Stella instead.

"It's silly," Dana said, trying not to laugh.

"It's funny," Stella said. "And you know it.“

Dana laughed, not sure whether it was about the show or because Stella was so amused by it. It filled her with joy to hear Stella laugh for once and she didn't want it to end.

"Ok," Dana said after a couple of seconds. "It is.“

Stella looked at Dana, her hand still on the redhead's cheek. She shifted a little, giving Dana some space to move up and lay down next to her. The limited space of Stella's couch did not allow them to lay next to each other comfortably so Scully wrapped her arms and one leg around Stella.  
Stella sighed, her head resting on Dana's shoulder; it was wonderful and extremely comforting.  
Winter was the time of comfort; of good food and warm drinks. It was quiet moments of tender touches, conversations and slow love-making when the world outside was falling apart and the rain hammered against the window.  
Now it was the snow that was trapping them inside, snuggling up to Dana. She closed her eyes, feeling safe. Winter was beautiful and soothing; it was Dana's hand gently drawing soft circles on her lower back while she listened to her slow heartbeat.  
She allowed the moment to consume her, to get lost in it. The noise and the laughter from the tv faded into the background; maybe Lucy had found sleep after all. Scully sighed, holding Stella made her feel safe. It was one of those rare moments that she had never had and it was everything she had been yearning for.  
She wanted this: to lay down next to her on the couch, not fuck like in all those movies. She didn't even want to have sex at the moment.  
They both fell asleep at some point and it was just one of the many things neither of them usually did but it didn't matter. The next time Stella opened her eyes, listening to Dana's slow and even breathing. Her left arm was awkwardly trapped beneath their bodies, feeling numb and tingly at the same time but she didn't want to move and wake Dana. Her shirt had moved a little, revealing a tiny bit of skin and Stella absent-mindedly ran her thumb over that spot, gently caressing the warm skin.

After a couple of minutes she felt Dana stir beneath her, softly humming in her sleep. She shifted a little, turning her body toward Stella; a smile crossed her lips but she didn't open her eyes just yet.

"Dana," Stella whispered softly, her warm breath against Scully's lips.

"Mhm," she answered quietly, opening her eyes.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked to buy herself a few more seconds to phrase the question that's been on her mind for a while now.

"What is it?"

"Don't get me wrong," Stella said, playing with the hem of Dana's shirt. "But I was wondering... What exactly is it what you have with Mulder?" She asked, taking a deep breath now that the question was finally out there.

"Oh, wow," Dana said and sat up a little. 

She really hadn't expected that question; it's not like she had not been asking herself that same one over and over again.

"I'm just trying to understand," Stella said in her defense. "When I first met you, you seemed... So unhappy," she said. "And I have never heard you actually define... Whatever it is that you two have.“

"It's ok... I guess," Scully said. "It's just something I have been trying to figure out for almost twenty-five years.“

"That's a long time," Stella said and leaned her head against Dana's shoulder. 

"Tell me?" She asked and Dana sighed.

"I was so young when I was assigned to work with him. I had just been out of med school and I thought I'd try to work for the FBI. It wasn't something I had planned to do, it just happened and then I ended up getting the job," she said. "I had no clue what I was getting myself into but I liked the challenge and trying something new," she explained, phrasing her sentences carefully so she wouldn't give too much away.

"Mulder was charming and he knew it," she said and Stella smiled; she could see it right in front of her. "I had not intended to stick around for so long but the years passed and I hardly noticed. The truth was that I didn't have anything else in my life," she said and it was a feeling that Stella knew too well. "Working strange cases at terrible working hours just don't co-operate well with social life. There weren't many people who understood and I just didn't seem to have time for that," she said and Stella nodded.

"I understand that feeling," she said.

"Mulder was always there," Scully said quietly. "As long as I can remember. He was always there when I needed him. He was my constant, the one thing in my life I could rely on," Dana explained, wondering when and where exactly it had gone wrong. "He made me feel safe at first…"

"What happened?" Stella wondered. She knew that, at some point in their lives, something must have taken a turn for the worse, breaking the bond between them beyond repair.

"At some point it just turned out to be too much," Scully said and Stella didn't miss the faint trace of sadness that was creeping into her voice. "There were too many things that had gone wrong and I was exhausted. I don't even remember the exact moment I fell in love with him and it felt like years that we finally acknowledged it," she said with a frustrated sigh.

Stella was constructing an image of young Fox Mulder, merging it with the impressions she had of him now. She still didn't like him. She knew that she was simply being protective of Dana and maybe she was a little bit biased but she decided that she didn't like him.

"There were times in which I felt incredibly lonely, even when I was with him," she said and that feeling hadn't changed.

She still felt invisible sometimes and it was an incredibly painful thing to experience.  
"He was so consumed by his cases and theories that I felt like he barely noticed me," she said and took a deep breath. She didn't have the heart to mention aliens, abductions and lost children. She remembered the times she had been on her own without knowing whether she would ever see him again. She had, after all, buried him once. She had stood by his grave and buried his seemingly dead body and she wondered whether that was the moment that a part of herself, and his love for him, had died forever.

"But I kept going back," she said with a certain bitterness.

"You were in love," Stella said, not knowing whether that was still the case.

"I felt like an idiot," she said. "I couldn't let go. He was such an important part of my life. He was everything I had but I'm not exactly sure it was the same for him and I kept running back anyway," she said. 

She knew she wasn't exactly fair but years of sorrow, pain and self-doubt had somewhat clouded her mind and infiltrated her judgment. It was the reason she was in England today.

Stella listened, not having the heart to interrupt her.

"We couldn't live with each other and we couldn't be without each other," Scully whispered, thinking that it now sounded extremely pathetic. "I tried to get away from him but it didn't work. I found myself going back whenever he asked because I needed it.“

Stella felt angry all of a sudden. It was obvious that Dana had been head over heels in love with that man and it appeared like it wasn't enough. Love was an awful thing sometimes. It starts out sweet and it makes you happy and cheery but if that love remains unrequited and you find yourself unable to let go you'll soon notice how awful it could be.

Stella knew that, if you didn't receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.

"At some point it appeared to work out and although I should have known that it wouldn't last," she said and took a deep breath; returning to the house they had once shared. It had been a painful, bittersweet experience. 

"I found myself jumping right into it, ignoring all the signs. We lived in a house together and I was working as a doctor.“

It sounded like the perfect thing but Stella knew that it was only one side of the story, there was a whole lot more to it.

"I don't understand," she admitted. "What happened?" She asked, her fingers gently caressing the soft skin of Dana's neck.

"It wasn't enough," Dana whispered. "I wasn't," she said and her voice cracked a little.

She looked away from Stella, surprised by the emotion that the memory caused.

She felt that Dana had been hurt deeply and it didn't work in favor of Mulder.

"Don't say that," Stella said softly, her finger touching her lip.

"We lived in that house and I worked in a hospital, far away from the FBI," she said. "It could have been perfect if we weren't on the run from the FBI," she said and a humorless laugh escaped her lips.

"Long story," she said when she noticed the look on Stella's face. "I was away from my family and I had no one to talk to," she said. "It was exhausting and... Tiring," she explained. "I was working too much, getting lost in it because I couldn't face the reality," she sighed. "Mulder couldn't let go, his sister's death had deeply disturbed him and even I couldn't change that.“

"I knew what was happening but I had found myself ignoring the signs of depression that he showed, I couldn't deal with it," she said with a sad sigh."I didn't want to. It drained all my strength and it made me incredibly sad," she said and didn't even mention the child that she had been forced to give up. "I just gave up at some point. I couldn't do it any longer," she said.

"You saved yourself," Stella said.

"I tried to," Scully said. "But apparently I'm not very good at it," she said. 

She had left Mulder at some point and yet she had ended up in England with him a couple of years later. Scully rose from the couch, immediately missing the warmth of Stella's body but she needed a little bit space. 

For years and years she had blamed herself, wondering what she had done wrong. She walked into the kitchen, realizing that she hadn't had any food for quite some time and she was starting to feel queasy. She leaned against the counter with a sigh, Stella walked in with her hands on her hips.

"So, let me get this straight," Stella said, trying not to be mad. "You spent most of your life being in love with a man who didn't consider yourself worth fighting for?" Stella said and it sounded awful but deep inside Scully knew that it was the exact thing she had been thinking. 

"He knew how much you loved him, enough to ask you to come to England with him, after you left?" 

She didn't know how much of that was true but she simply assumed it must have happened. She stood in front of Dana, feeling sorry for the woman but she was still mad at Mulder.

Dana crossed her arms in front of her chest, feeling the tears brim in her eyes. She chuckled humorlessly.

"And he didn't fight for you?" Stella asked. "Because if he did, we wouldn't be having this conversation," she said. They both knew that it was true but Scully didn't want to go back.

"I get that he is cute and charming," Stella said and dropped her arms. "But he's an asshole, Dana," she said and Scully looked up. "He's a selfish asshole," Stella said. 

"It's been, what? Almost twenty-five years? Twenty-five years and he never had that the balls to ask you to marry him and make it official?“

"It wouldn't have worked," Dana said quietly, wiping the tears from the corner of her eyes.

"Everything works if you try hard enough," Stella said quietly and a smile crossed Scully's lips. "I just -" her words were cut off when Dana cupped her face with both hands, interrupting her little rant with a kiss to calm her down. 

She understood why Stella didn't like Mulder and it was adorable in some way but she also knew that not everything had been terrible and that Mulder wasn't such a bad guy after all; maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

"Can we not do that now?" Dana asked between slow kisses. "Please?" She asked and Stella's anger slowly faded. 

"I really appreciate your compassion, love," Dana said softly. "And I understand why you don't like him - you don't have to but can we not talk about him right now?“

"I'm sorry," Stella said.

"I know it sounds awful," she explained. "But not all of it was bad... And right now, I am fine right here," she said and looked Stella in the eyes.

Stella nodded, she felt like Dana didn't want to dwell on that topic, having just scratched the surface of the mess that her life seemed to be, she accepted that and dropped it.

"Thank you," Scully whispered, melting into Stella's arms.

"How about some food?" Stella suggested.

"Sounds like a great idea," Scully said and together they started preparing dinner. It was such a quiet and domestic task that distracted them for a while and Dana found herself enjoying the whole thing. They had a glass of wine while they waited for lunch to be ready, never leaving the kitchen. It was such a peaceful moment and Scully remembered that this is where it had all started; this was the place where Stella had kissed her for the first time.

Later that night they were laying in Stella's bed, facing each other. Their clothes had once again been scattered on the floor and Stella was surprised they actually made it to the bed this time. It wasn't what she had in mind when they were eating but somehow one thing had lead to the other and she didn't mind at all. It had been slow and sensual; meeting their needs and deepest desires. Stella felt tired although they hadn't done much today but she wouldn't want to change a second of it.

Dana's face was only inches away, Stella's hand resting on the side of her throat while Dana played with a strand of her hair. All of a sudden Dana had an idea but she wasn't sure whether Stella would be up for it.

"Just a second," Dana said only to return a few seconds later, her phone in her hand.  
She had also put the shirt on that Stella had taken off her a while ago. She dropped on the bed, inching closer to Stella.

"What are you doing?" Stella wanted to know. 

Scully looked at Dana; they were so close that Dana could count every single one of her eyelashes, every tiny one of her adorable freckles. Their hair was messed up from sex, there was no make up and they both looked tired but Stella had never looked more beautiful to her. She wanted something that reminded her of Stella, wanted to see her even when she was not around.  
Stella didn't strike her as the type of person to take selfies and usually she wasn't either but a try was worth it.

"I want a picture of us," Scully whispered almost shy and Stella laughed.

"Like this?" Stella asked with a smile and raised her eyebrow, wondering whether Scully was serious.

"Why not?" Scully said. "Seems perfect to me," she said and Stella sighed. 

She didn't take selfies or pictures, especially not of herself. She had never wasted a thought about it, had never considered it a necessary thing. She looked at Dana, playing with a strand of her hair.

Her dad had been just like her. He had never bothered with pictures, never considered it something worth doing and it wasn't until after his death that Stella noticed that she didn't have a single picture with her daddy and it still made her incredibly sad, even today.

She thought about lost moments and pictures not taken, a light trace of sadness and melancholy in her chest. She had lost so many moments, thinking that it wasn't worth it or that they had all the time in the world only to be painfully reminded of the fact that everything was fleeting and she did want this moment to last forever.

"Do it," she said to Dana, never taking her eyes of the beautiful woman next to her. 

They didn't look at the camera but at each other and it was all that mattered. Stella kissed her slowly on the lips, gently nudging her with the tip of her nose while her hand rested on her cheek.

"It's beautiful," Scully whispered, looking at her phone.

"I wouldn't doubt it for a second," Stella said and took a deep breath. "You know... To answer the question you asked earlier," she explained and bit her lip. "If someone were to ask me about my life one year from today... I would tell them about you," she whispered and kissed her. 

Dana was stunned by the confession, utterly touched and surprised. She had spent all of her life loving someone who didn't have strength to love her back, not the way she deserved and needed it.  
She knew she had done her fair share of mistakes, but all her life she had loved someone else, never allowing herself to see another person but now Stella was right in front of her. She had never thought about falling in love with a woman, had never given it a thought because it hadn't mattered. She had never thought about it because she didn't care who she loved as long as it made her feel loved and appreciated.

[](https://media.giphy.com/media/37mOffHgoTB9vIxeOF/giphy.gif)   
[](https://media.giphy.com/media/37mOffHgoTB9vIxeOF/giphy.gif)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Penny for your thoughts?  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)


	10. When To The Sessions Of Sweet Silent Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/X7PWyBtgB7lESgN9fq/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/X7PWyBtgB7lESgN9fq/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I just like to thank you all for your wonderful words and for sticking around with me. It really means a lot. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing this story._

_When to the sessions of sweet silent thought_  
_I summon up remembrance of things past,_  
_I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,_  
_And with old woes new wail my dear time’s waste:_  
_Then can I drown an eye, unus’d to flow,_  
_For precious friends hid in death’s dateless night,_  
_And weep afresh love’s long since cancell’d woe,_  
_And moan the expense of many a vanish’d sight:_  
_Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,_  
_And heavily from woe to woe tell o’er_  
_The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,_  
_Which I new pay as if not paid before._  
_But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,_  
_All losses are restor’d and sorrows end._

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 30]_

***

Scully busied herself in the kitchen, trying to keep her mind occupied and her hands distracted somehow. Soon they'd have dinner guests coming over and, although she wasn't in the mood, she couldn't bail out. Cancelling hadn't really been an option.  
She had briefly thought about going to work but didn't feel like leaving the house either so she reminded herself to appreciate the fact that she didn't have to work on Christmas Eve.  
It hadn't always been that way and, especially after giving her son up for adoption, she had welcomed the distraction it had offered but things were slightly different now. The temperatures had dropped far below zero quite some time ago, leaving most of the streets and parks covered in a fine layer of ice; frost that made it look like delicate, glistening sugary leaves.  
She loved the crunchy sound it made under her feet when she stepped on the grass, the way everything glistened in the morning dew before it started to rain and the beauty was washed away and frozen over mercilessly.  
The snow had not yet melted entirely, covering the grass and parks that no one bothered to touch.  
Scully felt a certain pressure on her chest and wasn't sure whether it was the quiet melancholy that Christmas always brought along or simply the fact that this was supposed to be a family celebration but Scully hardly had any family left and neither did Mulder.  
She wasn't at home in the United States, where she had spent most of her holidays; her brother was still in California with his family and he hadn't been happy with Scully running off to England with Mulder. She had always wondered why he had made a fuzz at all. It wasn't any of his business because she certainly hadn't been asking for his permission when she told him but then again he had never been fond of Mulder, always looking for a way to talk him down.  
Her youngest brother Charlie was in Germany, as far as she was concerned. That was the last she had heard of him and maybe it was time to reach out, they were on the same continent after all.  
Scully wasn't in the mood for company, she wanted to be on her own and succumb to the memories of the past but at the same time she didn't want to be alone and it angered her, made her feel frustrated.  
She had been far too emotional for her own liking, trying to avoid the usual pre-Christmas bustle in the city. She had to admit that there was something beautiful about Oxford around Christmas time. It wasn't nearly as overcrowded as the streets of London and the ancient buildings, partly covered in thick layers of white snow, made it look like a scene from a children's book; something dreamy, peaceful and utterly innocent.

One evening after work she had found herself wandering through the crowds by the castle, barely paying attention to the christmas market but she had enjoyed the little escape nonetheless. More often than not she was bothered by too much Christmas music and the over-the-top joyous salesperson who tried a little too hard although both knew they were fed up. Scully interacted with people at work all day and she treasured the silence on the way home; the moments when she didn't have to listen, pay attention or answer to anyone.  
She thought about previous Christmas Eve's spent with Mulder or entirely on her own, working strange cases when everyone else was celebrating, or mourning the loss of yet another beloved family member. Scully sighed, thinking that, for some strange reason, she was glad to be so far away from the place she had called home for most of her adult life. There were still too many memories lurking in the shadows. She barely remembered the first two times after moving across the great pond; the nights had passed quite unspectacularly in a haze of pretending and hoping that things would get better one day. They had probably been drunk and ended up having sex in various places of the house until they had fallen asleep.  
She had never talked to Stella about this, they had always avoided the topic for good reasons but Scully was certain that today was one of those days she wouldn't be particularly fond of.  
She poured herself a cup of tea because it was still early and she wouldn't be able to drive if she drank. There was a nagging voice in the back of her mind that kept her from giving in, just in case.  
It was tempting to curl up on the sofa, wearing fluffy socks and an oversized sweater with a glass of wine in her hand, watching a cheesy Christmas movie that she probably hated but couldn't tear herself away from either. She wanted to get lost in such a dull activity and eat too much chocolate, only to hate herself for it later on, and drag her tired body to bed when it was all over. She had never been particularly excited about Christmas; things had always been a little bit different during her childhood years and she had always promised herself to do it differently when she had her own family one day. If only she had known how wrong she had been back then. 

She sighed and carried the cup to the small coffee table, dropping on the couch. She wore a dress and pantyhose in her own home and it seemed too warm and too itchy and she hated it. She might just change into a nice pair of trousers to make things a little more comfortable for herself. Mulder was in the shower, the water still running, so she pulled her phone out of her bag, that she had dropped on the floor next to the couch earlier.  
She swiped through her photo stream and a bright smile crossed her lips; a strange melancholy rushing through her body. She looked at the pictures she had taken a while ago; she was looking at Stella, their faces only inches apart. Their hair was messed up and their bodies still sleepy, lingering in the blissful aftermath of sex.

She bit her lip, thinking of Stella. 

It wasn't the first time she had been looking at the picture and it wouldn't be the last. She felt the guilt within her gut, a huge part of her longing to be with her at this very moment. A part of her felt obliged to be with Mulder because that's what she had always done. Ignoring the weird love triangle they now found themselves in appeared more convenient than dealing with the truth of what could be or might not be and that scared her. She wasn't ready to define whatever it was that she had with Stella. The pensive feeling, she had felt earlier, now mixed with a certain trace of sadness when she asked herself how long Stella would be willing to put up with her indecisiveness. 

How long would it take until she decided to move on because she was fed up with Scully not being able to make up her mind?

It was one thing that frightened her deeply; she didn't know how long she'd be able to do this until it broke her. How long until her cover was blown and he didn't buy her lies any longer? She didn't like all of it but she also felt like she didn't have a choice at the moment either.  
A few weeks ago, when the snowstorm had first hit London, she had spent the night with Stella. Nights that had turned into days, kindly granted by a merciless storm and he hadn't appeared suspicious at all. It had, after all, been the truth. As much as she had hated the moment when Mulder met Stella, it now seemed rather convenient and it had done her a favor. Explaining where she occasionally spent the nights suddenly became a little easier and she wondered how long Mulder would believe her stories. As a matter of fact he had absolutely no reason to be suspicious; she knew him. If there was one thing he would never even consider, it is her having an affair with another woman.  
Shortly after running into them he had started asking questions about Stella every once in a while but she hadn't been ready to answer any of them. It was her secret and theirs alone and she didn't want to share details of their friendship. It was private; precious moments passed in each other's comforting presence and she didn't feel like giving anything away. It almost felt like betraying Stella when she was so adamant on keeping her life secluded and protected. He had appeared satisfied with what little he got and she hoped that he would be for quite some time now.  
Scully looked around the house. It was cozy and there were even more candles than normal, a few fairy lights here and there because they made her feel safe and reassured. If it had been for Mulder the house would be as boring as ever.  
She sipped her tea, that was only lukewarm by now, and checked the time on her phone. She still had another half an hour before their guests would start arriving and Scully tried to remember whether she had ever met any of them before. She sent a quick text to Stella, asking if everything was okay, only to spend the next couple of minutes expectantly staring at her phone, waiting for an answer that never came.

***

Stella stepped into her empty flat, the sudden silence eerily comforting. She didn't bother with the lights, sitting in darkness for quite some time; the silence that surrounded her was just as oppression as it was soothing. She sat on one side of the couch, feeling drained and exhausted. It was Christmas Eve and she had done her best to avoid the holidays as much as possible. She hated the fact that the city was overrun by tourists and Christmas shoppers, more so than ever. There was too much cheer that made it even worse, considering the gruesome cases and awful human-beings she encountered all too often at work.  
This appalling reality made it even harder to believe; the cheerfulness that was in the air seemed so fake. It felt pretentious and she hated it. It would be so much easier if she allowed herself to get lost in just that for the very same reason. Using these few days to pretend that everything was okay and just like it was supposed to be; a safe haven where nothing could hurt her.

Stella laughed humorlessly, a terrible sadness settling upon her. Ever since she was young, since her dad had died, the holidays had lost its charm.  
She shed her coat and scarf, tossing them aside without leaving her place. Stella kicked off her shoes and leaned back, looking around her empty apartment. There was no Christmas decoration whatsoever, not even the tiniest piece and it now made her incredibly sad. She had missed it, telling herself that she still had all the time in the world. She had been so busy that she simply forgot about it; her hectic life and somewhat irregular working hours sometimes threw off her routine and she had completely lost track. Since there was no one around to remind her, to tell her to have food at decent times or go to bed before midnight she tended to ignore these habits. 

If she was to be honest with herself she knew she had avoided purchasing any kind of decoration as long as possible on purpose. Now it was too late and then it wasn't worth it any longer.  
There would always be another year, she told herself. Another year that would pass terribly fast, another year to simply fucking things up gloriously. Stella stared into the darkness ahead and found herself unable to move at all. Her entire body felt heavy and numb.  
Ever since her parents had divorced when she was younger the magic was gone. The fact that her beloved daddy died not too long after that just contributed to the sad truth that Christmas, and all other family gatherings, were nothing but dreadful and disconsolate memories of a past long-gone. She sighed, wanting to get up but she didn't know what to do so she remained where she was, allowing the demons to pull her down a dark and endless road and Stella wasn't sure whether she'd be able to fight them this time.  
She had been so young when her parents had divorced; having loved her father dearly she had found herself devastated when it had happened. It had broken her little world apart. The sorrow didn't last forever and she had tried to make the best of her situation. It had not been ideal but it had served its purpose and, against all odds, it was the one thing that had kept her alive back then. She had told herself that everything would be okay but that had been a pitiful lie; it hadn't been and it would never be okay.  
She had found herself lost and trapped between two parties and in the end Stella had been forced to grow up too fast. It wasn't until she was an adult that she had secretly mourned the loss of treasured childhood years, more often than not she had yearned for a way to turn back time. Return to a place where she didn't have responsibilities, a place where someone would step in for her when she needed it when it all became too overwhelming.  
She had missed out on so many things, compensating that loss with rather questionable methods but they had served its purpose. Following the years of her parents divorce she had always spent Christmas Eve with her mother and the 25th with her dad. She remembered going to his place after breakfast and they would spend the whole day doing nothing. Stella smiled at the memory because it was something she hadn't done in decades, the day she had spent with Dana was a start, a shadow of a memory that had once meant the world to her. She played with the corner of a pillow that she kept on her lap, hugging it tightly.  
Christmas at her dad's had meant endless days of watching whatever movie was on tv and eating too much chocolate. They had cooked dinner together and ate, cuddled up on the couch and it was all she had needed. She had never done that after his death; it had lost its meaning. She had briefly considered watching movies alone but she didn't see the point and it had made her feel so very lonely that she stopped and kept it to herself.  
Her mother, having always had time to herself on that day, had never bothered with spending time with her daughter because she had had other plans. So, while most families had spent their time together she had stayed behind at home, all alone in her room. She had pretended that it didn't happen. It wasn't Christmas but just any other day that would pass if she waited long enough. She had refused to leave her room, had spent endless hours on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She had listened to music if only to drown out the neighbors laughter and waited until she finally fell asleep. 

She took a deep breath, forcing herself to get up. Slowly, she wandered to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. She placed it on the counter and sat down on the chair, playing with the stem of her glass. She was lost in thoughts, slowly sipping the dark red liquid. 

She felt numb and empty, mourning countless missed opportunities and possibilities while she had been hiding, trying to protect herself from getting hurt. There were feelings she would never get back, no matter how hard she tried but inside her head there was the tiniest place where she had stored all these things, locked them away forever. She knew they existed, hidden somewhere; she just couldn't find the key.  
She emptied her glass, shuddering at the bitter taste of wine that slowly faded, filling her with a nice warmth in her belly. She reached for the bottle, pouring herself another glass.  
Losing a father had left a gap inside her heart, an emptiness that she had never been able to fill, no matter how many people she had slept with; no matter how much she had hurt herself or hid from her family. Nothing had ever helped to ease the pain, not even a little bit. She was tired of looking for something without ever really knowing what it was that she needed. There was this constant longing, looking for fulfillment but nothing had ever helped and Stella found herself growing tired of it. She was tired of being strong and not being good enough, tired of not being herself.  
All too often she came home after a long night out, too many hours of over-time at work or hours spent in a stranger's bed, wondering what the hell she was doing and who the person, she saw in the mirror, actually was. The relationship with her mother had been destroyed beyond repair many years ago and Stella had no strength left to make a step towards that woman; each of her previous attempts had left her feeling lonelier than before and she could no longer be bothered to try. 

She had accepted the fact that her life didn't matter to her mother and she would not be able to change that. She had a few cousins left, some of them lived outside of London but even if they lived right across the street Stella thought that she wouldn't be spending time with them. To her own family being together had not mattered as much as it had to others. She had enjoyed spending time at a friend's house, back in the day when she still had some. Things had been so different and loving. She had always envied other families and the bonds they seemed to have had, there had never been anything remotely close in her own family.  
She had always been the odd one out, as strange as it seemed. While most of her cousins preferred not to work at all, after dropping out of school, she had found herself wanting more than that. Conversations over dinner had been particularly tedious. While Stella just wanted someone to talk to, her family members had labelled her as Miss know-it-all and no matter what she had said it never seemed to be the right thing so she had stopped joining their conversations, keeping her thoughts to herself. It had never seemed like anyone really cared so she had spend countless Christmas dinners in silence, enduring her families presence while she was dying to be somewhere else.  
The older she got the more alcohol she had consumed and it had helped just a little bit to drown out the noise; to ignore her mother's constant nagging after not having seen her for almost a year. Just like so many other families, hers believed it was their right to pry into her private life at any given chance. It had become a habit to not so subtly ask about her personal life and oh, where's your boyfriend and why doesn't Stella have kids yet, talking about her like she wasn't sitting at the table with them. 

She emptied the second glass a little faster than she had intended to, feeling the buzz of the alcohol run through her veins though it did absolutely nothing to ease the emptiness and the bitterness that had settled within her. She could sleep and eat, talk and breathe so she should be fine but she wasn't and it made her feel lost.  
She had spent hours in the company of so many people who had made her feel lonelier than ever; so much that she had found herself avoiding them whenever she had the chance. By the time she started working in law enforcement she had used her job as an excuse not to show up and at some point she hadn't even tried any longer and no one had missed her. That was how she had spent most of the holidays, all by herself, locked up in her flat with too much alcohol and the silent wish for it to be over as soon as possible. 

Stella sat in her kitchen, wishing she wasn't alone. She had avoided socializing with too many people but recently it had done nothing to help her regain her strength. Right now she felt like crying, a terrible pressure on her chest, but she just couldn't do it. She rose from the chair, feeling every inch of her body protest against the movement while her muscles tensed, trying not to give in to the tears. She carried her glass and the bottle of wine back to the living room. The couch was just a little more comfortable than the chair so she curled up on one side, ignoring her phone.  
She had set it on silent a while ago, not wanting to have to respond to "Happy Holiday"- messages from people she didn't even care about. 

Suddenly, Stella found herself questioning every thing she had ever done. Every choice she had made, triggered by too much hurtful prying by people who didn't appreciate her and constantly made her feel like she wasn't enough. For a brief moment there was nothing left inside of her, nothing but emptiness. 

Stella had felt lonely for years but it had been a temporary feeling. It wasn't always a bad thing; it came in waves. Sometimes it was just fine, the solitude of it bringing peace and sometimes loneliness screamed at her without a warning. What was weird about the whole thing was the fact that she didn't even have to be alone to feel alone, she had learned that the painful way quite some time ago. 

Emptiness was different, Stella thought and sipped her wine. 

It was the one thing that stayed behind when loneliness faded; it was the one thing that remained. She didn't necessarily feel it, it was just there, sitting in every part of her body; from her toes to her fingertips it was within her and she knew it. She knew that something was missing and that feeling wouldn't go away unless she found something to fill the emptiness with. She reached for the remote and switched on the tv, returning to where they had left off watching the last time.  
_I Love Lucy_ was flickering across the screen though she didn't pay much attention, letting the voices and the laughter fill her otherwise quiet flat. She laid back on the sofa, stared at the ceiling and waited.

***

"Are you okay?" Mulder asked and stepped behind her.

She smelled his aftershave, the same one he had been using ever since she had known him, and it suddenly brought back so many memories. 

"You've been quiet," he said softly and she found it hard to resist him, let alone be mad. She turned around and leaned against the counter, facing him. 

"I just… I don't know," she said quietly, trying to find the right words. "I just had a lot on my mind recently," she said and pinched the back of her nose with two fingers. 

"So it seems," he said but didn't sound mad. 

More than that, he seemed concerned which made it worse for her. The truth was that she felt exhausted, she never really had a break since October and the three days she had had with Stella during the storm had not lasted very long. Things had been terribly busy at the hospital and she found herself unable to get a good night's sleep when her brain refused to shut up at night. Christmas break had started at University two days ago and for the next two weeks she had absolutely no reason to go to London to see Stella. It was something that was on her mind constantly, occupying her thoughts. It kept her awake at night, the guilt slowly tormenting her.  
Above all that she had been having a terrible headache, feeling incredibly tired and she feared that she might be coming down with a cold. 

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to ruin it," she said and he shook his head. 

"You didn't ruin anything," he told her. "Come here," he said gently, pulling her into an embrace and she found herself melting into his arms. She put her cheek against his chest, closing her eyes for a second. It was soothing and comforting. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" he asked and she knew he was talking about New Year's Eve. 

A couple of months ago they had been invited to join some friends of his on a trip to Cornwall over New Year's but she had to cover at the hospital because it was her turn this year. She had insisted that he went without her and have fun; they had had that conversation a couple of times already. 

"I will be working the whole time," she said and she meant it. 

That was the plan; she had never really liked that day and being distracted with work would be a welcome change, if she didn't end up being sick. 

"You go and have fun, I'll survive a few days by myself," she said and it wasn't entirely selfless. 

She bit her lip, feeling guilty now that she was in his arms while she said it. The truth was that, with Mulder out of the city, it would be her only chance to see Stella until University started again in January. 

"I mean it," she said. "I'll be ok." 

She wanted to reassure him as much as she wanted to do that to herself. 

"I will be with you in a minute," she said and excused herself to the bathroom.

She sat on the edge of the bathtub, sighing. She had sent two more messages to Stella, hoping that she wouldn't come across as clingy, and all of her text messages remained unnoticed and it started to worry her a little. Maybe it was nothing and Stella was just busy with something but it didn't seem like her to ignore her messages. She had this uneasy feeling in her gut, telling her that something was off. Maybe it was just the guilt, leaving her feeling like a cunt after lying to his face so blatantly. 

But what did it matter now? That small voice in the back of her mind whispered. What difference did it make now that the damage has been done? There was no going back any way. Maybe it was time to do what felt like the right thing to do even if that meant lying straight to his face, again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, making a decision. 

She made eye contact with him when stepping out of the bathroom, motioning for him to meet her in the kitchen. 

"I need to go," she said when he followed her with a questioning look on his face. 

"What do you mean?" he asked.  
"The hospital," she said and started to search for her bag so she wouldn't have to look him in the eye, she really couldn't do that now. "They just called, asking me to come in to check on one of my patients because they are worried," she said. 

"I didn't mean for this to happen," she said quietly and closed her bag. 

"It's not your fault," he said. 

"I'm not so sure about that," she said quietly, with the sudden urge to get out of the house as soon as possible. 

"Just be careful," he said and she nodded. 

She excused herself, said goodbye to their guests and stepped into the bitter, cold night a few minutes later. She inhaled the crisp air and it cleared her head for a couple of seconds. Carefully she made her way to the car, making sure the roads weren't icy. The only advantage was that the streets were almost empty on Christmas Eve. She found herself driving to the hospital and stopped the car in the parking lot, wondering what the hell she was doing here. 

She could see the entrance of the hospital from her car, the soft light shining onto the dark pavement in front of it. The parking lot was almost empty except for the cars of those people who couldn't go home for the holidays. She didn't know why she had come here, no one had called after all. Did she come here for an alibi? Too soothe her own nerves or simply to be seen? She had no clue but she hated it, hated herself because this was not how it was supposed to be. She had not longed for someone to be with her to be hiding and lying about it.

"Fuck," she whispered and leaned her head back. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," she almost yelled and then the tears came. 

She felt them run down her cheeks, hot and fast and she couldn't stop them. She hated herself for what she had done but she was just human after all and she was far from being perfect, she knew that. She was prone to making horrible, heart-breaking mistakes; it had been bound to happen.  
She knew that, whatever she had left with Mulder, wouldn't last much longer. Scully had realized that she had simply been coping with their situation but she hadn't lived. She was ashamed and feeling guilty, just now realizing how awful that felt. These two words were like nightmares; the nasty ones that pulled you from sleep and left you reaching for something that is no longer there. She sat in her car for a little while longer, crying to herself until she felt cold and uneasy, then she started driving.

***

Stella was drunk; the bottle of wine had long been emptied and she couldn't be bothered to get some more and maybe that was a wise decision, probably the only one she would make that night. She was still on the couch, staring at the ceiling and her body felt heavy and drowsy with alcohol and fatigue. Her eyelids drooped and she drifted off to sleep every once in while, her alcohol-induced state tormenting her with short and confusing nightmares that she couldn't remember the moment she opened her eyes.  
She wondered what time it was, trying to figure out whether going to bed would be worth it by now. The sleep-timer had turned off the tv at some point but she hadn't even noticed. She didn't even want to know what time it was, she just wanted to get away from here but knowing herself she would not even take her clothes off so she might as well stay in the living room and regret her pitiful choices in the morning.  
Her mind felt blank and slightly dizzy every time she closed her eyes so she decided not to move at all.

She was about to venture back to the dark places she had visited earlier when she heard the sound of her doorbell, scaring the hell out of her. The sound echoed through the quiet flat like a piercing scream and set her heart pounding inside her chest. 

"Holy shit," Stella gasped and sat up way to quick, groaning when the vertigo seized her and she felt slightly nauseous for an instant. She groaned quietly, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down. 

"What the fuck," she whispered to herself, cursing whoever had the audacity to disturb her at this time of the day. 

"Stella?" she heard her name from afar, looking up in surprise.

She wondered whether she had had a bit too much to drink after all. 

"Stella, for fuck's sake!" she heard Dana's voice outside of her window and she quickly made her way to the door to let her in because it was bloody freezing outside.  
She stood in the doorway, hugging herself while she waited for Dana to step into her view. She couldn't quite believe her eyes but she felt an instant wave of relief and endless gratefulness wash over her. 

"Why are you not answering her phone?" Dana asked when she stepped in, walking past Stella. 

That question came out a little harsher than she had intended it to but she had been worried, having tried to call her from the car and all calls had ended up being ignored. 

"I'm sorry," Stella said quietly and she meant it, feeling slightly taken aback.

She wasn't used to people caring about her and her drunken mind still had trouble catching up with the situation. She felt completely overwhelmed all of a sudden.  
Scully looked at her and her anger dissipated instantly; she knew that coming here tonight had been the only right decision. Stella looked absolutely miserable and was quite possibly drunk. She reclaimed her former spot on the couch, leaning back because she still felt a little dizzy and Scully took off her coat, sitting on the edge next to Stella. 

She looked at the woman in front of her, the shame and guilt fading away when she felt her heart swell at the sight in front of her. 

"What are you doing here?" Stella whispered with her eyes closed. All of a sudden she felt incredibly tired but now that she was no longer on her own she felt safer. 

"I'm going to make some tea," Scully said softly and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on Stella's forehead. She got up and reached for the blanket, that sat on the other side of the couch, and covered Stella with it. 

She made herself a cup of tea because she could use the soothing warmth. There was a chill inside of her that she hadn't been able to shake off. The dull headache she had had earlier was temporarily calmed by medicine but she knew that there was a cold lingering inside of her, waiting for a weak moment to attack. She found Stella's tumbler in the cupboard and filled it with tea; something told her that she'd find her asleep by the time she returned. She also filled a glass with water and carried it to the small table, putting both down before she grabbed some ibuprofen from her bag and put it right next to the glass. She looked at Stella and tugged her in a little more so she wouldn't be cold. She was asleep for the time-being, restlessly so but it didn't matter. 

She went to the bedroom to grab the other fluffy blanket for herself, wrapped it around her shoulders and made herself comfortable in the armchair by the window. There was nothing but the sound of Stella's deep and even breathing and it was soothing somehow. She sipped the tea, enjoying the silence for a while. She tried not to beat herself up right now, there would be plenty of time to do that at another time. She had sent Mulder a text message earlier, saying that she'd be gone all night and that he shouldn't worry. She had had her doubts as usual because, as former FBI Agent, her story hadn't really been thought through and it would only be a matter of time until her cover was blown. 

What mattered now was Stella, who had been desperate enough to get pretty drunk all by herself. She knew that something was weighing her down, had been for quite some time. She had noticed that Stella had been crying that morning after their get together in the kitchen but she knew better than to ask. When the time was right Stella would share whatever was on her mind and Scully would be there for her.  
She sighed, thinking that she had time to think for herself for the very first time today. She had avoided it for so long but now, in the darkness of Stella's flat, she allowed herself to think of her little baby. Little William who would not be so little any more; he would turn sixteen soon and for a fleeting moment Scully felt incredibly old. 

She closed her eyes and tried to remember; she knew that he wore a blue little onesie with aliens and ufos on it and how excited she had been when she thought about showing this to Mulder but that had never happened.  
She took a deep breath, tears watering her eyes. Maybe this hadn't been such a great idea after all. She closed her eyes, breathing through the pain inside her chest. Sometimes she wondered if she still remembered how he smelled; she always thought she did but then she wasn't sure and it might as well be someone else and she just kept telling herself what she wanted to hear. As painful as that was, it was a normal thing. It was a way of coping with an irreplaceable loss, a matter of protection because life goes on.

She thought about movies and how people's memories were triggered by a certain thing, how they couldn't walk past a house for years and years because a beloved person had once lived there; a person throwing a shirt away because it was the one she wore when her father died.  
She didn't believe that because life didn't stop for her, no matter what happened. She had owned the shirt, that she wore when she found out about her father's passing, for a long time after he was gone. She still had the blouse she wore when her mother died. Throwing that piece of fabric away wouldn't change a damn thing.  
Every now and then, when she laid in bed in the early morning hours and felt incredibly lonely, she listened to the silence and waited for the cries to disturb her sleep. She had heard her son for quite some time after he was gone only to find the crib empty. It wasn't like she hadn't known but she had always checked anyway.  
She felt the tears run down her cheeks, wiping them away with the back of her hand. She had been lost in her thoughts, not noticing that Stella had woken. She sat on the couch, her face in her hands and Scully watched her closely, wondering if she might be sick but that wasn't really Stella's style. She reached for the ibuprofen and the glass of water and waited a few seconds after taking it before she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and walked towards Dana.  
She looked at her, feeling close to tears. She couldn't even put into words how grateful she was, how much it touched her deep inside that Dana was here. She wanted to tell her all that and that she was so in love with her and never wanted to let go and that everything was a little more bearable when she was around and that she didn't feel quite so miserable when she held Dana in her arms but she couldn't say it.  
The pressure on her chest was taking her breath away and her defenses had long been broken; maybe it wasn't the time to talk. She sat in Dana's lap, her feet dangling off to one side. She laid her arms around Dana's neck, embracing them both with her blanket. Slowly she leaned forward, placing gentle kisses on either side of her cheek, kissing the tears away without asking questions. She kissed the corner of her lips before she sealed them with a tender kiss, leaning her forehead against Dana's, closing her eyes. 

"Don't hide from me, Stella," she whispered and Stella put her head on Dana's shoulder, her face resting in the crook of her neck. 

Scully wrapped her arms tightly around Stella while she cuddled up to her slender form. Stella felt the warmth radiate off Dana’s body, the familiar scent invading her senses and all of a sudden something inside of her broke apart. She tried to breathe deeply and evenly, felt the sobs coming before they rocked her body. The tears spilled from her eyes onto Dana's shirt and slowly her sobs turned into heart-breaking sounds as she wept in her arms. Time did not heal all wounds, a voice inside her head whispered while she cried.  
No one could tell her what to do at this very moment, she couldn't breathe and she couldn't stop crying because it hurt so much. She knew about time and wounds healing but even if she had all the time in the world she still wouldn't know what to do with all the pain she carried inside.  
Dana held her a little tighter, felt her body shaking with never-ending sobs and the cries that escaped her lips, her hand drawing slow circles on her lower back. She knew that, at this one moment, Stella had trusted her with all her heart, that she allowed herself to let go and it brought her own tears back that quietly ran down her cheeks while she buried her face in Stella's hair, kissing the top of her head; she rocked them gently hoping that it would soothe the ache somehow. 

Scully knew that they might never talk about this again, that this moment was a secret between them. Come daylight Stella's defenses would have regained its strength and she would be the one asking her if everything was all right. She hardly ever showed what was deep inside of her but when she did, it hit her with a merciless force.  
She didn't know how long it took for the tears to stop and the sobs to subside but after a while the body, that was holding onto her tightly, stilled and it was quiet. Scully's hand wandered to the nape of her neck, her fingers playing with the soft curls where her hair began. It was soft and warm, an intimate and reassuring gesture that seemed to calm them both.  
The weight of Stella's sleepy body made her feel safe and she never wanted to let go. It felt like something inside of her was changing; the emptiness that had consumed her from within was slowly surrendering to the feeling of being needed and wanted. It slowly made way for the love she felt for Stella although it scared her, not knowing where this would end. She shifted carefully, turning her body towards Stella. It wasn't just the feeling of holding Stella but the way she held on to Dana, the way she needed her at this moment, that gave her hope.

She looked at Stella, sleeping soundly in her arms, and thought that she had never seen a more beautiful thing. She knew that she would continue to exist for these little moments, for the secret and stolen glances that no one would ever get to see. It was these moments where they tasted the comforting sweetness of new found love where her heart skipped a beat. It was their first kiss during the storm, their conversation in the park and the kiss in the snow; the first comfortable silence and dried tears on a rainy afternoon.  
She closed her eyes, inhaling slowly and drifted off to sleep not longer after. The next time she came to her senses, without knowing how much time had passed, she felt soft warm lips on her own, gently kissing her awake. 

"Dana," Stella whispered against her lips, her hand gently tugging a strand of hair behind her ear.  
"Wake up," she whispered and leaned back. Her body was stiff from being in such a weird position for too long, sleep still weighing heavily on her shoulders. 

"Let's go to bed," she said and got up, immediately missing the warmth. She held out her hand and pulled Dana up, never letting go until they reached the bedroom. 

"Where are we going?" Dana wanted to know, she wasn't sure whether that question was directed at herself or Stella. 

"To hell," Stella said with a quiet chuckle. 

"Yes," Scully answered, dying to get out of her pantyhose because it was too itchy and warm. "But before that?" 

"To bed," Stella said and walked to the bathroom. "We'll deal with the rest in the morning." Scully reached for the pj's that she had declared hers a while ago. She laid back on the bed, feeling Stella return to her when the bed shifted under her weight. 

Stella woke early, feeling dehydrated and emotionally drained but Dana's warm body next to her reassured her. She slipped out of bed to get some water, a desperate need for physical contact spreading inside her chest. It almost felt like a part of her needed to know that Dana was really with her, sleeping in her bed. She sat down on the edge of the bed on Dana's side, watching her while she slept. She looked so beautiful and serene and Stella wished she could take the anguish away from her but there were decisions that only Dana could make on her own. 

She touched Dana's cheek, her fingertips ghosting over the warm skin. She didn't want to disturb her but at the same time she wanted just that. She leaned down and kissed her warm, plump lips tenderly. Slowly, Dana's senses came to life, her body reacting to Stella's touch.  
She kissed her again, her lips lingering a little longer this time, a smile crossing her lips when Dana hummed softly. She opened them just a little without opening her eyes. She turned around, facing Stella who leaned in, her weight gently lowered onto her waking form. 

Dana wrapped her arms around Stella, pulling her on top. She liked being woken like this and their way of "dealing with things later." 

Stella had never intended for all of this to happen but she had found a place where she needed and wanted to be. She kissed the corners of her mouth and Dana tilted her head back a little, felt the warm breath on her face and it made her shiver. She opened her eyes slowly, finding Stella so closely above her. She dropped her arms to the side, lazily resting on the bed for she was no longer in a position to comfortably roam her hands across Stella's body so she allowed her to take over. Her tongue grazed her upper lip, sucking and licking until Dana's tongue met hers, playing lazily. 

"Good morning," Stella whispered with a smile around her eyes. 

"Mhm," Scully answered quietly and Stella slowly trailed kisses down her neck, her hands gliding under her shirt. 

Her skin was soft and smooth, goosebumps erupting on her skin when the cool morning air touched it and Stella cupped her full breasts with both hands, leaving wet kisses on her belly. Dana lifted her hands above her head, allowing Stella to strip her off her clothes and toss them aside.  
It didn't take long for Stella to leave Dana naked in front of her, appreciating the sight but she seemed in no rush at all. Stella explored every undiscovered inch of her body, teasing her breasts and flicking her nipples until they hardened with arousal and anticipation, causing Dana to lean into the touch of her fingers. She pressed her lips against Dana's, her tongue seeking entrance that was granted only too willingly.  
They moved slowly, gradually shaking off the last remainders of sleep while their bodies came to life, burning with passion and longing. Dana spread her legs, wrapping them around Stella's waist. She kept her close, moaning urgently into her mouth when she touched just the right spots though not creating enough friction for Scully's liking. 

"Clothes off," Dana whispered huskily between kisses and Stella smirked, gladly obeying the command. She sat up, straddling her; leaning onto her thigh it rubbed her clit through the fabric of her pants and she allowed herself to enjoy that feeling before she took off her shirt, but never taking her eyes off Dana. 

"Now I wanna see you take the rest off just as gracefully," Dana said with a low chuckle and Stella laughed, not having thought this through.

"We'll see about that," she said and leaned in for a kiss and Dana cupped her breasts, drawing delicious sounds from her, that she swallowed through the kiss. She used the moment of distraction to turn Stella on her back, gently nipped at the soft skin of her hipbone before she freed her off the last bits of clothing, leaving her just as gloriously naked in front of her.

"That's better," Scully whispered into her ear, her hot breath tickling the sensitive skin, making her eyes flutter. 

She turned on her back again, pulling Stella on top once more. The blonde slipped two fingers between Scully's legs, tickling her inner thigh which made Scully spread her legs a little wider, before she lightly brushed them against her clit. She broke the kiss, a long and breathy sigh escaping her lips. She pulled her up, her own legs above Dana's thighs. Dana wrapped her arms around her neck, pulling her closer. They sat like this for quite some time, their naked bodies wrapped around each other, lost in a kiss.  
Dana moaned softly, tilting her head back when Stella's hand grabbed the hair, leaving a trail of wet kiss along her neck and the valley of her breasts. Her other hand found Dana's aching center, hot and sweaty between her legs. Scully put her head on Stella's shoulder, her teeth grazing the salty skin. She held on to Stella, clinging to her, when her own free hand travelled between her legs, her fingers slipping through slick folds easily. 

"Oh yes," Stella breathed hot against her shoulder, rocking her body against Scully's hand. 

They were swaying gently, foreheads pressed together, breathing and panting heavily and it didn't take long for both to have the blissful release wash over them, filling the empty room with hoarse breaths and quiet whispers.  
Stella let herself fall back, pulling Dana with her so they rested on their sides, facing each other. 

"Thank you for being here," Stella whispered, her eyes dropping to their hands. 

It was probably the most honest and intimate thing Stella had ever admitted to and it didn't cross her lips easily; Scully knew to appreciate the trust that Stella had in her because it didn't come lightly.  
"It was the only right thing to do," Dana replied softly, playing with a strand of Stella's hair. She looked up, finding the redheads eyes. She knew what it meant without her actually saying it. 

I want to be with you.

Although Stella knew that it wasn't easy for Dana to let go off something she had held on to for most her life she had quietly admitted that it was time for her to move on, as hard as it may be. It wouldn't be easy but it was the one trial she would be ready to put up with. 

"I want to be there for you," Stella said, knowing that Scully had faced terrible situations time and time again and there was still so much she didn't know. 

"Will you let me do the same for you?" she asked. 

"I promise to try," she said and Scully smiled, nodding wordlessly. 

The next time she opened her eyes she heard the muffled sound of her phone coming from the living room. Carefully she entangled herself from Stella's limbs, grabbing one of her silk robe's from the chair while she quickly made her way into the chilly living room. She reached for her bag, answering her phone without checking the number. 

"Yes?" she said a little out of breath, dropping onto the couch while she tried to close the robe around her otherwise naked body. The fabric was surprisingly soft and warm against her skin. 

"Scully?" he asked and she felt her heart drop, beating furiously while she felt caught and taken by surprise. 

"Mulder?" she asked, stupidly stating the obvious but she needed to buy herself some time to come up with something, as ridiculous as it seemed. 

"Where are you Scully?" he asked and she listened, hearing traffic in the background. "I came to the hospital in the morning to pick you up…" he said and left it hanging in the air unfinished. 

Scully leaned back, pinching the back of her nose with two fingers. 

"Shit," she hissed away from the phone before she took a deep breath, putting it back to her ear. 

"I… I am sorry," she said feeling guilty all of a sudden. She might as well try the truth. 

"You said you were going to the hospital," he said and she couldn't tell whether he was angry or just disappointed. 

"I was," she threw in, because she had been there, she just didn't leave her car. 

"You didn't come home," he said quietly and she sighed. 

"I meant to," Scully said. "But it was getting late and I didn't want to ruin the evening.“

"Where are you, Scully?"

"I am in London," she said quietly and saw Stella from the corner of her eye, leaning against the doorframe. 

"Seriously?" he asked. "You couldn't come home because it was late but you drove all the way to London in the middle of the night?" he asked and she got his point.

"I said I am sorry," she said calmly. "It… it's just… Stella needed me," she said and bit her lip, casting a sideward glance at Stella who was walking toward her. 

"Mhm," he said and she didn't know if he believed her. 

"I'll be home soon," she said. "I promise."

"No, it's okay," he said. "You just do whatever you have to do," he said and the brief hint of disappointment in his voice felt like a slap across her face. She wanted to justify what she had done, telling him that no one should be alone on Christmas Eve and that he, after all people, should know this. She wanted to tell him about William but it felt unfair to play this card now and she wasn't ready to share that story with Stella, she needed a little more time. 

"Merry Christmas, Scully," he said and ended the call. She tossed the phone on the couch and leaned back. 

"Fuck," she said and laid her face in her hands. "I'm sorry," she said when Stella stood in front of her. 

"Don't apologize to me," Stella said softly and looked down at Dana. "Everything okay?"

"I don't know," Scully said. "He wanted to pick me up from the hospital…"

"Oh," Stella said. 

She didn't know where Dana had been prior to coming here but the fact that she was in her living room, and not at the hospital where she was supposed to be, told her everything she needed. 

"Do we need to go over your alibis, Miss Scully?" Stella asked and smiled. 

"I need coffee," she said and Stella walked to the kitchen. 

"I have something for you," Scully whispered softly a few minutes later, hugging Stella from behind. 

Stella turned her head a little, looking at Dana.  
She then looked at Dana's hands in front of her, holding a tiny gift.

"Open it," Dana whispered against her shoulder and waited. 

Stella took the small gift from her hands; not having expected this she felt completely overwhelmed. She wasn't used to receiving gifts, couldn't even remember the last time someone had cared enough to get her something. 

Slowly, she unwrapped the gift and held it in her hands, her vision blurring in front of her eyes. It was not a feeling she was accustomed to and the whole thing of Dana holding her at this very moment was almost too much to bear. She looked at a small framed picture of them; it was the one Scully had taken a while ago.  
It was the most beautiful thing she ever got, she thought while the tears slowly ran down her face. She didn't even bother to wipe them away or stop them. For years and years she had dreaded the holidays and birthdays, knowing she would end up disappointed and sad because no one cared about her enough to bother with a present, not even the tiniest one that showed that there was someone left who cared only a little bit. 

Dana had noticed that there were no pictures in Stella's flat. There was nothing at all and it made her sad somehow. She herself didn't have many pictures in the house, not of William anyway, because there was only one picture she had left and she hardly had the strength to look at that.  
Having the picture printed a couple of days ago she had been tempting fate but it was worth it. 

"I want you to have it," she whispered against her shoulder and kissed it once. "I want you to look at it when you feel lonely," she said and Stella sobbed, the sound disturbing the silence quite surprisingly and it almost broke Dana's heart.

"Thank… you," she whispered through the tears and turned around in the embrace. For a woman who had always thought of herself as a person who didn't cry often she had been shedding an awesome load of tears within the last couple of hours. She had never seen crying as a sign of weakness but she didn't do it publicly, not when it concerned her on a personal level. Every now and then she needed it to remind herself that it was okay to feel something. 

Every once in a while it was okay to cry and be upset without even knowing why, no one else had to understand. It was okay to not know how to fix the problem as long as you didn't give up on yourself. It was okay to be vulnerable and in pain, even on Christmas morning, when everything seemed overwhelming. She was only human after all, knowing that she was not alone because Dana's arms where wrapped around her tightly, holding her safely and it was all she could ask for, all she needed at this moment. 

"Merry Christmas, Stella," she whispered and closed her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny for your thoughts?  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> _It does seem a little weird to be writing about Christmas when we're in June but it just happened. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh and for those of you who say they don't read books, don't have time for this etc. let me just tell you that the 10 chapters are now longer than the first Harry Potter book._  
> 


	11. How Like A Winter Hath My Absence Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> [](https://media.giphy.com/media/xWMJ1Em9lCOg9iNxek/giphy.gif)  
> 
> 
>  
> 
> _A/N: This turned out to be a little fluffy but I really don't mind, enjoy._

_How like a winter hath my absence been_  
_From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!_  
_What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!_  
_What old December's bareness every where!_  
_And yet this time remov'd was summer's time,_  
_The teeming autumn, big with rich increase,_  
_Bearing the wanton burden of the prime,_  
_Like widow'd wombs after their lord's decease:_  
_Yet this abundant issue seem'd to me_  
_But hope of orphans and unfather'd fruit;_  
_For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,_  
_And, thou away, the very birds are mute;_  
    _Or, if they sing, 'tis with so dull a cheer_  
    _That leaves look pale, dreading the winter's near._

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 97]_

***

She woke with a dull headache, feeling grumpy and exhausted. She didn’t know how long she had slept but it couldn’t have been more than five minutes. Scully turned on her side, keeping her eyes closed. Her cheeks felt too warm to the touch but she felt chilled to the bones, pulling the blanket tighter around her body; she knew it probably wouldn’t do much to help but she couldn’t get herself to leave the warmth of her bed just yet.  
She should have known, had felt it coming days ago but she had ignored the warnings and now her body had been struck down with a terrible cold. She had dragged herself out of the house this morning only to be sent home from work about an hour later, not knowing why she had bothered in the first place. The only good thing that came out of it was the newly-increased stock of pain killers and cold remedies that now adorned her bedside table.

Mulder had left yesterday afternoon and it had taken a bit of work to persuade him to do so. She was glad to be on her own for now but getting sick hadn’t been part of the plan. She wouldn’t even be able to see Stella like this and that saddened her, making her feel lonely all of a sudden. 

She had thought about visiting Stella when Mulder was gone, when she managed to get away from the hospital before the year was over but things had changed within hours.

***

_Scully stepped into the house later that day, still feeling a tremendous amount of guilt on her shoulders. She had never wanted any of this to happen, had never wanted it to turn out this way but she wasn’t the only one to blame; she refused to do that to herself._

_They had it coming, she knew that and he would be a fool for not noticing. Scully had spent the last sixty minutes, trying to figure out what to say when she decided that she didn’t owe him an apology or an explanation at all. She didn’t need his permission to see a friend who had needed her; the first real friend she had had in decades. It wasn’t like he had cared much about Christmas all those previous years. She still remembered that one time he had dragged her to a haunted house to chase ghosts on Christmas Eve and it had been one of the strangest things that had ever happened to her._

_She dropped her bag on the sofa, walking straight to the kitchen where she found Mulder. He turned around and looked at her but didn’t say a word. She put her hands on her hips, taking a deep breath. She was tired and had a headache and she wasn’t in the mood to pick a fight._

_„I didn’t mean to leave without letting you know,“ she said quietly and she meant it. He turned around and looked at her, trying to figure out what the problem was._

_„I just don’t understand why you told me you would stay at the hospital all night when you went all the way to London,“ he said and sipped his coffee. She couldn’t tell whether he was angry or not._

_„It was the truth,“ she said. „I had meant to because I didn’t know how long it would take,“ she said and stepped closer. „By the time I decided to see Stella it was late and I didn’t want to bother you.“_

_„What was so important that couldn’t wait? On Christmas Eve?“ he asked._

_„She was lonely, Mulder,“ Scully said. „I think we both know how that feels,“ she said and tried to be calm. „No one should be alone on Christmas Eve. She doesn’t have any family around,“ Scully said and tried to ignore the nagging feeling that reminded her that the same thing accounted for both of them._

_He nodded._

_„Don’t be mad,“ she said. „She’s my friend, Mulder,“ Scully said and took her coat off, reaching for the coffee pot to pour herself a cup. „The only one I have had in decades.“_

_„I’m your friend,“ he said with a smirk and she raised an eyebrow at him, slamming her cup on the counter; she had no patience left for this at the moment. She wanted to ask him where he had been when she had lost her child, when she had felt lonely all those nights; she wanted to know where he had been the last few years before he had asked her to come to England with him._

_„I’m serious,“ she said calmly but he knew that she was angry._

_„I’m just joking,“ he said and turned towards her._

_„Well, it’s not funny,“ she said. „She’s the first friend I had in decades and I don’t know what is the right or the wrong thing to do,“ she said and ignored the voice that told her that sleeping with her „friend“ might not be the most ideal thing._

_„I don’t want to screw this up,“ she said. „I don’t want to lose her,“ she said and sighed. She was tired and wanted to go to sleep._

_„Okay,“ he said and laid an arm around her. She leaned against his chest closing her eyes. Scully took a deep breath, wondering whether he was okay with it or just couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. He kept his arms around her, knowing that this moment wouldn’t last forever. It had been a while since they had been this close; he had noticed that things had changed. They had drifted further and further apart and no one seemed to have enough strength left to fight and pick up the pieces._

_Something about Scully had changed. There was something different about her but he hadn’t been able to figure out what it was. Maybe it was the friendship with Stella that was good for her. She was right, she had never had any real friends and it appeared to be good for her and he didn’t want that to change; she deserved it._

_He placed a soft kiss on top of her head, wondering if she had fallen asleep in his arms._

_„Don’t be mad at me,“ she whispered._

_„I’m not,“ he said; he could never be mad at her for long. „Are you ok? You feel a bit warm,“ he said, touching her cheek._

_„Mhm,“ she said and took a deep breath, she just wanted to sleep and not talk. She had already forgotten about her cup of coffee._

_„It’s nothing,“ she said and looked up at him._

_She touched his cheek with her hand, a sense of longing washing over her. It could have been so wonderful; he had once been the love of her life and she knew that a part of her would always love him dearly but it wasn’t meant to be._  
It made her angry that they hadn’t been able to deal with it and cope with the trials that had been thrown their way. It had once bound them together until it had painfully broken them apart.  
Scully felt unshed tears glisten in her eyes, anger and frustration mixing with the exhaustion that had taken hold of her; she couldn’t do this tonight. She loved Mulder but her heart was with someone else now. She couldn’t deny that any longer. 

_„Merry Christmas,“ she whispered and he kissed her on the forehead softly._

_„Merry Christmas, Scully,“ he said and let her go._

***

Scully was in bed, drifting in and out of sleep. She had been ignoring her phone most of the day. She was lost in her own thoughts, the lines between dream and reality blurring constantly. She lost track of time, was only woken by short and disturbing nightmares. The next time it pulled her from sleep she was confused. The daylight was gone, the moonlight throwing shades into her bedroom and it scared her. Her heart was pounding inside her chest, her pj’s clammy with sweat. She was trembling, trying to calm herself; Scully took a few deep breaths, trying to focus.

She never liked New Year’s Eve and the fuzz that people made about it. She had never known what to do that day because she couldn’t be bothered to make plans six months in advance. She had refused to do that because it had always seemed ridiculous. She had never wanted to celebrate this day, had always wanted it to be over as soon as possible. It was just a minute that made the difference between a whole year and she didn’t get it.  
Come tomorrow she would still be living here with a man she no longer had a future with. She would still be having an affair with Stella, not knowing where it would lead them. She still had no idea where her baby was and she would still feel just as lonely as ever, wondering whether all of this had been a terrible mistake. Scully slowly sat up on the edge of the bed, waiting for the vertigo to fade and reached for her phone. 

There was a message from Stella who still thought that she was working tonight. She texted her, letting her know that she’d probably sleep right through the night because she had a terrible cold and wished Stella a wonderful time. What she didn’t know was that Stella never celebrated New Year’s Eve for her very own reasons.  
She wanted to take a shower and get out of her clammy clothes but she didn’t trust herself not to faint with the fever she was running at the moment; there would be no one around so she didn’t care. About an hour later she had made her way to the living room with a cup of tea in her hand. The tv was running, disturbing the oppressing silence in the house, but she didn’t pay attention to the movie.  
She had a headache and her sinuses were blocked; she couldn’t breathe properly which made sleeping even more uncomfortable. She was too warm and too cold and it annoyed her; it was frustrating. Scully had never been one to complain but she wanted to be whiny and grumpy because she was fed up with the whole situation. The night was dragging by incredibly slow and she hated every bloody second of it. She heard the faint noises of neighbors celebrating, ignoring them. Pretending that it was just another night, just like any other night of the year, seemed easier at the moment.  
The ping announcing an incoming message pulled her from her train of thoughts. 

_Are you awake?_ Stella’s message said and all of a sudden her heart beat a little faster. 

_I miss you,_ she texted back. It wasn’t quite the answer to her question but it was the most honest one at the moment. 

_Will you let me in?_ Her next one said and it took Scully a few seconds to get the meaning of her words. 

She kicked off the blankets to make her way to the door, hesitating for a second while she tried to catch her breath. She opened the door, surprised and deeply touched when Stella stood right in front of her. She had not expected to see her at all, had settled for crying herself to sleep all by herself at some point. She looked at Stella, surprised by the look she was pulling off at this very moment. She had abandoned her silk blouses and high heels for leggings, boots and an oversized sweater. Her hair was tied back in a messy bun and she wore glasses to complete the look and Scully thought she had never looked sexier. She looked almost shy for an instant while she waited for Scully to ask her in.

„Oh my God,“ Scully whispered, slightly taken aback. Her voice sounded low and hoarse. „What are you doing here?“ she asked and stepped aside to let her in.

„I figured you could use some company,“ Stella said and took her coat off. She hadn’t been sure but she wanted to be with Dana especially after what she had done for her about a week ago. She wasn’t good at this, still trying to figure out what would be the right thing to do and when she was overstepping boundaries. Contrary to what people might think she was not one of those people who would spent the night partying among strangers, let alone friends. She hated New Year’s Eve and she always had. She didn’t need another night reminding her of her failures; yet another year had passed and nothing had changed.  
She didn’t want another night of getting drunk in the company of others; she didn’t care about them and she would be all by herself come midnight or in the arms of a stranger she couldn’t care less about. Either way she’d end up feeling lonely at some point. Irene had invited her to come over but, as flattering as that had seemed, she had politely declined the offer. She knew exactly what her parties were like and she wasn’t in the mood, not anymore.  
She looked at Dana, thinking that she had never looked more miserable. Her eyes were glassy, there were bags under her eyes, her cheeks flushed and she just looked very exhausted. 

„Come here,“ Stella said softly and pulled her into her arms; she wrapped them around Dana who melted against her. Scully closed her eyes, tearing up a little at the unexpected visitor. They stood in the small hall like this for a few minutes and no one said a word. Scully wondered if she had ever given Stella her address but then again it wouldn’t be hard for her to figure out where she lived.

„You do look quite poorly,“ Stella said and placed a soft kiss on her neck, thinking that she had done the right thing. 

„Thanks,“ Dana said with a soft smile, wondering how bad she looked because she hadn’t checked. Stella followed her, looking around the living room. There was something utterly comforting about this place, it was everything she had expected and at the same time it wasn’t. There was no doubt that Dana was the one deciding what the interior would look like. There was a light grey, cozy looking sofa in the centre of the room with far too many pillows in different shades of white and grey and it made Stella smile.  
She could see Dana getting lost in there and from the trace of tissues she had left behind it looked like she already had. There was a soft dark blue blanket, much like the one she had herself, and a matching fluffy carpet that looked like it would be incredibly soft under your bare feet.  
The coffee table had a dark wooden surface and a jar with fairy lights in it. It looked pretty cozy if you ignored the used tissues, the unfinished cup of tea, candy wrappers and bottles of pills that were also scattered on the table. The walls by the window were lined with open white shelves that carried mostly books; the candles on the window sill weren’t lit but Stella was sure it looked beautiful once they did.

It looked clean and simple and utterly comforting. 

„Would you like a glass of wine?“ Scully asked and Stella raised an eyebrow at her. 

„I don’t think you should be drinking,“ Stella said. 

„It does sound tempting,“ Scully said and sneezed. „But you’re right… I think I’ll pass.“

„Tea sounds just fine,“ Stella said, following Dana into the kitchen. „Let me do it,“ Stella said, taking the kettle from Dana and she didn’t even complain. She sat down on the chair and put her face in her hands, taking a deep breath. Every part of her body was aching but the fact that Stella was here made it slightly more bearable. 

„You need to go back to bed,“ Stella said calmly. 

She watched Dana, feeling a wave of compassion and empathy wash over her. She thought that she cared more about her well-being than about herself; it was a feeling that was new to her.

„Why are you here?“ Dana asked again feeling overwhelmed and emotional; her nose was stuffy and her voice sounded weird and she just couldn’t find her damn nose spray. 

„I thought you’d be out partying tonight,“ she said and Stella laughed. 

„I could be out getting drunk with people I don’t know, wish a few people, I don’t give a shit about, a Happy New Year around midnight and then drink a little more…“

„I’m not keeping you,“ Dana threw in. 

The truth was that Stella didn’t want that. It had been a few years since she had last done that. If she hadn’t been working cases she had spent the night getting drunk at home without bothering to even switch on the lights. She had always told herself that it didn’t matter. She would drink until she fell asleep and then go to bed just like she did every night and the next morning everything would be the same but it never was. 

What really happened was that it made her feel lonely and she hated it; hated the minutes that dragged by while she waited for it to be over. She heard the fireworks but she never watched them because it hurt too much. Most of the time she ended up crying; she always found herself mourning the loss of so many things, of times she would never get back and there wouldn’t be anyone around to tell her it would be okay one day. 

She had made the decision the moment Dana had texted her, knowing that she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. The fact that Dana was sick made her want to be there for her even more.

She poured them a cup of tea and handed it to Dana, who was trembling slightly. 

„Come on, let’s get you warm,“ Stella said and pulled Dana up. „What were you watching?“

„Don’t know,“ Dana said with a shrug and took her place on the sofa, getting somewhat lost in the cushions. Stella sat down next to her, sinking into the comforting softness and it made her feel safe somehow. Dana looked even tinier between them cushions and Stella reminded herself that they were the exact same height so she probably shouldn’t be joking about that. 

„Drink your tea,“ Stella said and Dana shook her head. Stella sighed, thinking that it was adorable somehow, if she didn’t feel so sorry for her at the moment she’d be laughing. She was trying to figure out what to do but she wasn’t used to these things.  
Scully leaned back into the pillows, wondering if Stella was really here or if it was just the fever playing tricks on her. 

„Sorry,“ Dana said softly. „I’m not the best company, especially tonight,“ she said and felt her clammy clothes sticking to her skin. 

„It’s just like any other night,“ Stella said, wondering whether she’d believe the lie one day. 

„I don’t want you to get sick,“ Dana said and turned around to put her head in Stella’s lap.

„Don’t worry about it,“ Stella said and put a strand of hair behind her ear, softly caressing her flushed cheek. The fact that Dana didn’t complain told her that she must be feeling really poorly, she hadn’t stopped trembling since they left the kitchen. 

„Tell me what you need,“ Stella said softly, her fingers gently tracing the soft skin of her face.  
„I don’t know,“ Dana said to Stella, sounding close to tears. „I meant to… take a shower earlier,“ she said and took a deep breath. „But… I was so tired and… then I… I didn’t care,“ she mumbled softly and Stella had an idea. If that was the one thing that would make her feel better she’d do it; she’d do anything for her. 

„Come on,“ Stella said softly and motioned for Dana to get up. 

„What are you doing?“ 

„Getting you out of these clothes,“ Stella said and Dana took her hand, hesitating for an instant.

„Stella…“ Dana said with a sigh. „Really?“ 

Stella turned around, raising an eyebrow at Dana and then she chuckled softly. 

„You really think I suggest sleeping with you now? You can hardly breathe.“ 

Dana walked past Stella, leading the way. She walked into the bedroom, wondering why she even bothered. What difference would it make now? She grabbed fresh clothes from the drawers, ignoring the mess she had left behind. On an other day this would’ve driven her crazy but now she ignored it, slowly dragging her feet to the bathroom where Stella was waiting, trying to figure out what to do. She didn’t look around too closely, knowing that this was probably the space she shared with him and Stella didn’t really want to know, it wasn’t any of her business.  
What mattered to her now was making Dana feel better and she didn’t care which day it was or where they were.

„Stella,“ Dana said softly, feeling slightly dizzy and queasy. She wasn’t sure a warm shower would do her any good, if at all it’ll increase her blood pressure and make her faint and just that thought embarrassed her somehow and made her want to cry.

She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and looked at Stella, who was slightly overwhelmed by the sudden emotions that washed over her. 

„Let’s take this off,“ Stella said softly and Dana raised her arms half-heartedly. She wasn’t used to people taking care of her like this, it had been such a long time someone had actually done this for her when she was sick. She had always refused to let someone take care of her, telling herself that she didn’t need it and a small part of her still foolishly believed that, as a doctor, she wouldn’t get sick.

„You don’t have to do this,“ Dana whispered, a soft chill running down her spine when her bare skin was exposed. She looked down at her own body, surprised that she actually wore a bra; she had been certain she wasn’t wearing. 

„I know,“ Stella said softly, tossing the clammy clothes aside. 

She didn’t have to do any of this but the point was, and that was the one thing she was still confused about, that she wanted to do this. She wanted to be with Dana and make sure she would feel better; she wanted to be here instead of getting drunk some place else. She wanted all of this and was ready to push her own needs aside for a while.

„I know I don’t have to do any of this, Dana,“ she said and slowly pushed straps off her bra down, waiting for her to protest in case she wasn’t ok with this.  
„The thing is,“ Stella said, removing the other strap before she reached behind her to unclasp the piece of underwear. „I want to do it,“ Stella said softly. 

„I feel like an idiot,“ Dana said, sitting in her own bathroom bare-chested with nothing but her pants still on, the golden cross dangling around her neck.

„What for?“ Stella asked, walking to the sink to soak a washcloth with cold water. 

„For being sick?“ she said. „Don’t be silly, love,“ she said, gently touching her neck with the cold piece of fabric. 

Dana gasped at the sudden sensation, closing her eyes. She felt her heartbeat quicken, holding on to the edge of the bathtub. It only took her a few seconds until it actually started to feel good. 

The cold water did wonders on her heated skin and before she knew it she looked down on her hands, her vision blurring with fresh tears flooding her eyes. Stella turned around, dropping the washcloth in the sink. She had seen the tears, wanted them to go away but she wasn’t sure what to do. It felt like no matter what she did it wouldn’t make this better. It was starting to overwhelm her because she was so clueless, feeling like she was doing something wrong.  
Stella spread some of Dana’s favorite lotion on her hands, gently spreading it on her back before she helped Dana into the fresh shirt she had picked. She placed a kiss on her shoulder and crouched down in front of her, wiping the tears away with her thumbs. 

„I’m scared,“ Dana whispered all of a sudden, leaning her forehead against Stella’s. 

She understood that feeling all too well but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. She needed to tell Dana that she had madly fallen in love with her and that she would do whatever she could to make her feel better but she couldn’t say it. Admitting to this would take them one step closer to something Stella that Stella didn’t do.

„I know,“ Stella whispered. „I know,“ she rose and took Dana’s hand. „How about we try to get some sleep and now?“ Dana nodded, feeling a little bit better but still very exhausted. 

„Not here,“ Dana said with a smile while they walked through her bedroom.

She led Stella through the living room to the flight of stairs leading to the second floor. It wasn’t big and they hardly ever used that space. Sometimes she wondered why they had even needed so much at all but every now and then she was grateful for the small guest bedroom they had upstairs. There was an office and a small laundry room but no one ever came up here.

Dana opened the door. The room was clean and neat but comforting. There was a king-size bed in the corner by the window with soft white sheets and cushions. There was a matching chest of drawers next to the bed where Dana kept some of her spare clothes, and a small bedside table. There were soft lights and a few more candles; neat and minimalistic, and Stella loved it. There was an armchair opposite the bed that looked like it belonged to the set in the living room. Stella could picture Dana sleeping in this room, hiding from the world around her.  
Dana sometimes came up here when she couldn’t bear to sleep around Mulder any longer, when she needed time to think all by herself. She would close the door and pretend she was somewhere else. She would lay on the bed and look out of the window, pretending that she was at home and that everything was just the way it was supposed to be.

„You can see the fireworks from here,“ Stella said, settling down on the bed next to Dana. It was comfortable and it smelled like Dana, she noticed. „I’m not sure I want to,“ Dana said and leaned back into the soft cushions with Stella by her side. 

She felt a little calmer now, she had briefly thought about Mulder and what might happen if he just decided to return early. What if he found them like this? She knew that a part of her wanted this because it would finally put an end to her lying and take away her decision of when and how to tell him.  
Stella put an arm around Dana, placing a soft kiss against her temple. She sighed softly, closing her eyes. It didn’t take long until her breaths became even; slowly and deeply she breathed through slightly parted lips. 

She didn’t see the fireworks, didn’t even stir at the sounds. She was sleeping soundly with a fever still tormenting her and Stella hoped that she would be able to get a few hours of undisturbed sleep. She propped her head up on one hand, watching her.  
Her skin still felt too warm, parts of her hair sticking to her forehead. She sighed softly, thinking that she still struggled to understand that someone could actually love her. She had thought about this so many times since she had run into her. While some moments had been tender and sweet others had been incredibly hard for her but somehow people failed to see that, she thought but at the same time she didn’t want anyone to notice how she was really feeling because it wasn’t any of their business. 

Stella lived through her days, telling herself that everything was the way it should be. Some morning she was ready to conquer the world and on other days she could hardly leave her bed but she would never tell anyone. She got up because she knew that she had to, because she didn’t want people to think that there might be something wrong.  
Stella always acted like nothing was bothering her; she was confident and happy, that’s what she needed them to think because she didn’t have the strength to deal with anything else. They sometimes wondered about her when she was being quiet, when she minded her own business. She knew some were talking about her when she spent her nights with strangers, when she took what she wanted. What they didn’t know is that it wasn’t exactly what she needed.  
She had always been looking for something, trying to fill the void inside of her but, until now, it had remained empty. She had been to some dark places, knowing that Dana had had her fair share of low moments but she didn’t want to go there, she just wanted to make her feel better because she deserved it more than anyone else. She tried her best to ignore these feelings, pushing them far away so she could be there for Dana. 

She never dealt with these things, never really cried in public or in front of anyone but Dana had slowly broken down the protective walls she had built around herself for so many years.

„You wanted to know what I’d be doing if I wasn’t here?“ she whispered. „I’m not so sure…“ Stella whispered softly. She knew Dana was fast asleep but maybe that’s what made it a little bit easier. „But I know that I’m exactly where I need to be,“ she said. 

„I am perfectly fine,“ right here she whispered. „Because… I am in love with you, Dana. I tried not to… tried to stay away from that but it just happened. I am so in love with you,“ she said and put her head on Dana’s shoulder, closing her eyes while the last fireworks slowly faded.

The next morning Stella woke up, sensing that something was different and it took her a couple of moments to realize that she wasn’t at home. She took a few deep breaths, finding the bed empty. The next thing she noticed was a sweet smell, something she couldn’t place at first. 

It was somehow soothing and it put a smile on her face. She reached for her glasses on the bedside table and climbed out of bed, still wearing last night’s clothes.  
Slowly, she tried navigating through the unfamiliar place. There was an office to the right and a small guest bathroom. She didn’t want to go through things that were absolutely none of her business so she followed the smell downstairs, wondering what she’d find there. She found Dana in the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe, watching her quietly. She had her back turned to Stella, lost in thoughts so that she didn’t even notice her. She looked so calm and so exhausted at the same time, busy and focused. She was baking cookies which explained the lush smell and Stella decided not to tell her that she should probably be in bed instead.  
Scully had woken early with Stella’s sleeping form wrapped around her. It was a lovely feeling and at the same time it had scared her. She had to get away from her, allow herself to breathe and clear her head. She had felt restless and stressed, incredibly overwhelmed all of a sudden. She had abandoned the guest room, quietly making her way downstairs. She hadn’t planned any of this but it suddenly came to her mind while she waited for the water to boil. Back in the day she had always used baking as a welcome distraction whenever something was bothering her or when she felt particularly stressed. She didn’t always feel like eating what she made but she liked it anyway because it distracted her and occupied her mind. 

She didn’t even know what time it was when she started gathering the ingredients, ignoring the cup of tea that sat untouched on the counter, and started to make cookies she wouldn’t eat.  
It had been one of those mornings when she felt like giving up, wishing she could hide in bed and never return but she knew she couldn’t do that. She stood in her own kitchen, feeling sweaty and exhausted, and nothing felt right. She hated the helplessness because she was used to being in control of her life. She didn’t know if she could go on like this, this was not her. It was just one of those days that wore her down and she knew that it was probably just the damn cold that messed with her emotional state but she didn’t know how to get out of it. 

Everything felt too heavy and a part of her thought that she couldn’t do this anymore. She was sad and felt empty but she didn’t know why, she couldn’t name it but she felt that it was right there. She had to keep going because giving up didn’t seem to be an option. She kept telling herself that things would heal one day and that she would feel better at some point she just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Stella watched her, thinking that she looked incredibly sad. Slowly, she walked into the kitchen, trying to figure out what Dana needed. 

„Dana?“ she said softly and waited but she didn’t turn around. 

Scully ignored her, trying to figure out what to do. All of a sudden this whole situation seemed ridiculous. She hated the cookies, didn’t want to eat them and some were broken; that’s not how it was supposed to be. She was tired, feeling like an idiot who had messed everything up.  
„Hey,“ Stella said softly and put her hand on Dana’s arm to get her attention. „What happened?“ she asked but Dana turned away from her. 

She didn’t mean to hurt Stella but she just couldn’t deal with this now because it would break her.  
It felt like everything came crushing down on her at once and she was trying so hard to keep her head above the water, swimming against the current while her strength slowly faded and she’d drown eventually. She didn’t know how long she’d still be able to go back and forth between this. He didn’t deserve this. No matter what happened between them, he didn’t deserve to be lied to and treated like this. She had never meant for that to happen, a part of her just wanted to call him and tell him the truth while the other part just wanted to run away and tell herself that things would sort itself out one day. 

She didn’t want to cry, not anymore. She felt empty and the voices inside her head just wouldn’t stop yelling at her, blaming her for her bad choices. She had spent her life focusing on another person, on Mulder and his desire to find his sister, that she had forgotten about herself until she had felt herself fading away. It had stressed her so much that she slowly crumbled under the pressure. 

Stella took a step back when Dana turned away from her and left the kitchen. She could leave her be and accept her wish to be left alone or she could see beyond that and think about how she felt when she pushed people away. Stella left the kitchen to find Dana sitting on the sofa; without wasting another thought on being rejected she sat on Dana’s lap and pulled her into a hug because the one thing she needed most when she pushed people away was a little bit of comfort.  
She put her head on Stella’s shoulder and closed her eyes. 

„I could use some fresh air,“ Stella said quietly. „How about you get dressed and we go for a walk?“ she suggested. The park wasn’t far and it had actually been years since she had visited it, let alone had the time to walk through it at all.  
The sun was shining but the air promised to be cold and crispy.

„Sounds like a great idea,“ Scully said. It was time to pull herself together again and get a grip on herself. She looked up at Stella, a tired smile on her face.  
„You smell like cookies,“ Stella said with a smile. „I like it.“

„I need to take a shower,“ Dana said, feeling just a little bit better than she had last night, and Stella nodded but she made no move to do so. She leaned back, pulling Stella next to her. 

They laid on the couch, only inches away from each other and Stella didn’t even worry about catching a cold. She looked at Dana while things calmed down slowly. It wasn’t even 9am on New Year’s Day; another year ahead of them and for once Stella didn’t start it off hungover and alone and it was something she slowly started to appreciate. 

„Why are you making cookies so early in the morning?“ Stella asked and Dana shrugged. 

„I needed something to do…“

„Well, there are other things that come to my mind so early in the morning…“ Stella said and played with a strand of Dana’s hair. 

„Sleep a little longer, maybe?“

The truth was that she had tried that. She would have loved to sleep a little longer but she couldn’t breathe and her mouth felt dry and that didn’t make sleep more comfortable. She didn’t want to wake Stella so she left the comforting warmth of the bed. 

„Would you like something for breakfast?“ Scully asked. „I have cookies,“ she said and Stella laughed. 

„Cookies for breakfast?“

It did sound weird, not something Dana would usually do but pretty much everything she did these days was far from her usual habits. 

„How about some coffee first?“ Stella asked and put her leg above Dana’s. 

„Sounds like a great idea,“ Dana said quietly. She wasn’t sure whether she’d be able to tell the difference; her sense of taste has been slightly affected by the damn cold.

„Which cookies did you make?“ Stella asked. 

„I thought you don’t want them for breakfast,“ Dana said with a smile. 

„Just curious,“ Stella said.

„Chocolate chips,“ Dana said. „The only thing I could find.“

„Sounds good to me,“ Stella said and tried to remember the last time she had home-made cookies. Her mother had never been quite the domestic person, had never bothered with such things. „Do you mind if I make coffee?“

Scully shook her head and Stella left to make some coffee while Scully padded into the bathroom, attempting to make herself feel human again. She felt less grumpy and slightly more rested than she had only a couple of hours ago. She got out of her pj’s and changed into something similar to what Stella was wearing; comfortable and cozy. She’d take a shower later, going for a walk sounded like a nice thing to do. 

She returned to the living room, cleaning up the mess she had made last night and opened the window. Sitting down on the window sill she inhaled the cold January morning air and closed her eyes. It actually helped to clear her head a little and her early morning shenanigans in the kitchen actually appeared ridiculous now. She didn’t know what had happened but she needed it to stop, it wasn’t the kind of person she used to be and she didn’t like it.

Stella returned with two cups of coffee and sat down on the window sill next to Dana, who took her hand and kept their fingers entwined on her knee. 

„Do you feel better?“ Stella asked and sipped her coffee. 

„A little,“ Dana said with a smile and squeezed her hand gently. 

„So… you up for a walk?“

„Yes,“ Dana said and nodded. They finished their coffee in comforting silence and got ready. Just like she had expected the air was colder than it looked but it also helped a little. 

They walked through the park that wasn’t too far from her house. It was quiet, the grass still covered with a fine white layer of crusty snow and ice, glittering in the morning sun. Dana heard the frozen leaves crunch under her feet, smiling at the sound and kept walking next to Stella. For a brief moment she had wondered what might happen if anyone saw her but there was nothing wrong with her taking a walk with someone else. It wasn’t any of their business and, if she was entirely honest with herself, no one was paying attention to them. They kept walking in silence, both lost in thoughts until they found an empty bench that was glistening with frost but not wet and the sun was actually quite warm and soothing on their faces. 

They sat down, close to each other with their hands entwined and hidden somewhere beneath their warm coats. Dana turned her head, watching Stella and smiled. For just a brief moment her headache, her cold and all her worries were gone and there was nothing but Stella. 

She knew that Dana was watching her but she kept her eyes closed, soaking up the sun until a smile formed on her lips because she couldn’t ignore her any longer. 

She faced Dana and looked into her wonderfully blue, and slightly glassy, eyes and said:

„Kiss me.“

As much as she wanted to, there was a small part inside of her that urged her to stay away from that. 

„I don’t want you to get sick,“ Dana said, her resistance fading slowly when her eyes dropped to Stella’s lips. 

„If it happens,“ Stella said, moving in a little. „It might be too late for that anyway. And I really don’t care, just kiss me,“ she said and closed the small distance between them. 

Dana tasted like toothpaste and coffee, breaking the kiss after a couple of seconds. 

„I can’t breathe,“ she said with a laugh and Stella smiled. 

„Happy New Year, Stella,“ she whispered softly. 

„Happy New Year, Dana,“ she replied and breathed a feather-light kiss on her lips, putting her head on Dana’s shoulder to enjoy the sun as long as it lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny for your thoughts?  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)
> 
>  


	12. Stella's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost three years since Mulder and Scully moved to England and things change when Dana Scully runs into Stella Gibson during a storm in London one night.
> 
> Takes place before the revival actually happened and after the events in the series finale of _The Fall_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/tumblr_orkqi0JUs41vgclt1o2_r1_540.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/tumblr_orkqi0JUs41vgclt1o2_r1_540.jpg)   
> 
> 
>  
> 
> _They are still on holidays, enjoying their last hours together before it is time to get back to their jobs..._  
>  The wonderful header has been made by [http://the-pink-posse.tumblr.com](the-pink-posse.tumblr.com)  
> 

They had been sitting on that bench for god knows how long until the cold had crept beneath the thick layers of their winter coats and the sun had failed to keep them warm any longer. As much as Stella had loved their quiet, intimate isolation, wanting to soak up every little bit she got, she suggested going home because she felt Dana shivering a little under thick layers of clothing and her body was slumped against her, the head on her shoulder getting heavier by the minute. 

She hadn't been doing quite as well as she had thought, the cold still heavily in her body so Stella suggested they make their way back home and Dana hadn't protested for a second but silently agreed as they rose from the bench. The sun was low already, there wouldn't be much left of it for long. Stella almost smiled at Dana's stubbornness; if it wasn't so damn cute sometimes, and Dana wouldn't be so poorly, she'd probably lecture her on being so reckless. 

Quietly, they walked back to the house. Dana was incredibly exhausted by the time the returned; the warmth that engulfed them the moment they stepped through the front door, was a welcome and weary feeling; it made her feel cozy but incredibly sleepy at the same time. 

The house still smelled faintly of cookies, the sweet scent hanging in the air. For an instant Dana listened, wondering if something was different. 

What if Mulder had decided to come home early? 

She had texted him last night, telling him that she wouldn't be working because she had been struck down with a terrible cold and told him not to worry because she'd be sleeping it off most of the time.  
She briefly considered telling him that Stella was here, but what difference would it make? She could tell him that Stella had decided to look after her, which wasn't even a lie, or she could just keep it to herself and hope no one would ever find out. The thing was, if he ever found out he'd be wondering why she didn't say a word when it wasn't a big deal - unless it was. 

Dana sighed, feeling the faint throb of a headache in her temples, not wanting to deal with that now. They took off their coats and Stella waited, following Scully into the living room. If Scully had been living on her own, she'd be ready to do something by now but she knew that Mulder lived here too and she didn't want to pry into his life more so than she already had.  
"Tell me what you need," Stella said calmly, both hands on Dana's arms while she stood in front of her. She did look pretty exhausted with glassy eyes and dark shadows under her eyes. 

Dana shrugged, trying to think of something. 

"I think I'll take a quick shower," Dana said calmly and Stella nodded. 

"Do you need any help?" Stella wanted to know but Dana shook her head. 

Stella loved showering with Dana. She had never shared these moments with anyone, had enjoyed the moments of blissful privacy all by herself but with Dana it was different. It wasn't just the fact that they couldn't keep their hands off each other, which was always a nice way to start or end the day, it was also the feeling of being so incredibly close to someone else. She loved the sensation of hugging Dana's naked body, loved how she felt skin on skin; soft, warm and reassuring. 

She respected and understood Dana's decision, all she wanted was for her to feel a little bit better. 

"Just let me know if you need anything," Stella said. 

"If you want some fresh clothes or anything -"

"I'll be ok," Stella reassured her. "Go and have your shower, it'll make you feel a little better," she said. 

She did have an overnight bag in the car, something she kept for emergencies because you might never know when it is needed. She would go outside and grab it later.  
As soon as she heard the water run in the bathroom she walked to her car, grabbing the bag. Stella climbed the stairs, walking to the guest room where they had slept the night before. It appeared to be the only right place for her to stay without feeling like a strange intruder; something told her that Mulder didn't spend much time up here and she would be ok with that. 

She changed into fresh clothes and sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling hungry all of a sudden. She thought about cooking something for them while Dana was still in the shower but she didn't know what Dana was in the mood for and whether she was hungry at all. She dismissed the second option because, with all the medication she took, she needed food sooner or later whether she was hungry or not. 

Stella left the room, making her way to the kitchen that still looked a bit messy from Dana's earlier cookie adventures. She found herself cleaning up most of it, lost in thoughts and faintly smiling to herself. She had put the kettle on and waited, nibbling on one of the chocolate chip cookies that Dana had made and it was delicious. It wouldn't serve as a proper lunch but it would do for now and she loved every bit of it. 

She took a second cookie, carrying it back to the room upstairs, carefully balancing the hot cup of tea in the other hand. Gently she placed it both on the bedside table before she opened the window to let some fresh air in.  
She sat on the left side of the bed, leaning against the headboard. It was warm and cozy and she felt herself dozing off a little while she waited for Dana. She didn't want to in case Dana needed her help but being somewhat alert to her surroundings she allowed herself to float on the verge of sleep, lingering in no-man's land for a little while.  
She drifted far away, entirely conscious of her bearings, while the world faded at the same time. She fell back against the cushions, still smelled the sweet cookie of the bedside table but there was something else as well. She was standing in the middle of a dark street, the daylight slowly fading. Snow covered the ground, continued to fall quietly. Stella was looking for something but she didn’t know what it was. She kept walking down the street, not sure where she was heading and what she was actually looking for. She felt lost but determined at the same time. 

Stella opened her eyes, not knowing what exactly she had been dreaming, the details were still present but fading at the same time. She closed her eyes again, thinking that this was probably the most peaceful New Year's Day she had ever had. She was in bed, wearing comfy clothes with a cup of tea on the bedside table and for once she wasn't fighting a massive hangover in the solitude of her own pitiful company. She had always hated the holidays for so many reasons and a huge part of her still did. She didn't like it because it reminded her of loss; of another year spent doing the exact same things, the very ones she had sworn to drop not too long ago only to realize that old habits died hard. 

Stella sighed, listening to the cracking of the stairs and the quiet footsteps approaching the bed. It shifted a little when Dana sat down on the edge and Stella opened her eyes, wondering whether she had fallen asleep after all, if only for a few minutes. The bedside lamp threw a soft light into the room, the last remainders of daylight rapidly fading. Dana crawled over, claiming her space between Stella and the wall, cuddling up to her body, that was still warm. 

"How are you feeling?" Stella asked while Dana put her head on Stella’s shoulder, he arm draped across her stomach; she was still trembling a little. Stella noticed that her skin felt too warm. 

"Cold," Scully whispered, knowing that she shouldn't. 

Not after the hot shower and the medicine she had been taking but maybe she just needed to worry a little less and sleep a bit more.

"You smell good," Stella said and Scully smiled against the crook of her neck. She wrapped her arms around Scully and turned them a little, spooning her while she covered them with a blanket. "Better?"

"Mhm," Scully hummed, relaxing in Stella's arms. 

"Can I ask you something?" Stella said after a few minutes, wondering if Dana had fallen asleep already. 

"What is it?" She asked, her voice still sounding a bit raspy. 

Stella had thought this over so many times but now that she had a chance to say it out loud she didn't know how to do so, wondering what it was that she wanted.

"I... I don't know how to say it," she admitted.

"Just do it," Dana told her sleepily. 

She had a feeling that, whatever it was, she wouldn't throw a fit. She would just listen and agree to whatever Stella asked of her. 

"Do you want him to know?" Stella asked quietly, her warm breath softly brushing the sensitive skin on Scully's neck. "I mean... What would happen if he just walked in here now?" She asked without sounding reproachful in any way. 

"I don't know," Dana admitted and turned around in the embrace. 

She looked at Stella, quietly begging not to go there now because she had absolutely no strength left for this. She didn't even know what she expected from Dana, what was it that she wanted to hear?

"Sorry," Stella said after a few seconds. "I didn't mean to," she said and put her head on Dana's shoulder. 

"Don't be," she said. "It's a good question. I... I just don't know what to say," she answered, knowing that it wasn't really true. She knew the answer very well and it just scared her.

"Maybe," Scully said with a sigh. "It would make things easier," she admitted and Stella knew exactly why. 

If he walked in on them the decision would be made for her and she would no longer be forced to make up her mind but actually make a decision. Stella couldn't blame her for trying to take the easy way out but she also couldn't make that decision for her. 

It's been three months and it's the longest connection she’s ever had with anyone. Stella didn't dare call it some kind of relationship because she wasn't ready for that but it was also the most meaningful and intimate connection she had ever had with any person. Did she want Dana to make a decision, risking that she might be dumped after all or that she suddenly realized she wasn't ready for a relationship?

"Are you hungry?" Stella wanted to know, her fingertips gently caressing the soft skin under her shirt. 

"Are you changing the subject?" Scully asked. 

"Yes, I am," Stella said. "I shouldn't have brought it up because now is not the right time."

"Will there ever be?" Scully wondered.

"I'm not sure," Stella whispered. 

She now knew what had been on Stella's mind and it would continue to be on hers until they addressed it properly but for the time being it was best to let go. 

"I'm also not quite sure whether I'm hungry," Scully said. "I feel like I should have something but just the thought makes me feel sick."

"You'll feel better once you have something," Stella said and Scully knew that she was probably right, she just had to jump over her own shadow.

„I think there a couple of pot noodles in the kitchen,“ Scully said and chuckled at the look on Stella’s face. 

„Really?“ Stella said with a raised eyebrow, wondering if that would be their best option. 

Dana shrugged. 

„I honestly don’t know if there’s any food, I might have to get some tomorrow,“ she said and snuggled up to Stella. 

„How about a cookie?“ Stella asked, reaching for the one on the bedside table.

She broke it in half and gave one to Dana. She wasn’t hungry, didn’t have an appetite but she started to nibble on it anyway and it didn’t feel quite so bad. 

They finished the cookies in silence, Stella’s question still hanging between them. They were both aware of it, thinking about the few words that had been said earlier but neither was ready to deal with it now; at least it had been thrown out already. 

„You mind if I go and have a look?“ Stella suggested and Dana shook her head. 

„I’ll be with you in a minute,“ Scully said quietly while Stella got up. 

„Try to sleep a little,“ Stella said and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She didn’t wait for an answer, grabbed the cold cup of tea and left the room. She suddenly felt like she needed time to herself, time to think. 

She sat down at the table in the kitchen and took a deep breath, not moving for a few seconds. She was tired, not just physically but mentally. Stella had never been that kind of person, that’s what she had told herself at least. She had always been strong and composed, knowing that things had been cracking under the surface. She had been feeling out of her skin lately, sometimes she felt like she was watching herself; she wasn’t herself any more.  
She felt tired although she hadn’t done anything all day, had just spent an hour in bed resting but it hadn’t helped at all. It wasn’t just a yawn or the feeling of not having slept at all when she knew full well that she had just been asleep for almost ten hours, it was more of leaving bed in the morning. It appeared like such a meaningless task that was expected of her because she had to get up for work every morning and Stella did just that. What she didn’t tell anyone was that it all seemed to happen in a blur. Some mornings just passed and she didn’t even know how; it wasn’t quite so bad when Dana was around and maybe she was simply feeling too emotional with the holidays and New Year’s Eve. 

Her entire body felt heavy and she couldn’t move at all. She had been asking that question earlier because she needed an answer; something she was terrified of at the same time. She wanted to know the truth, wanted to know if Dana was ready to be with her. What she didn’t know was whether she would be ready for that. She had done so many different things in the last three months, so many things that were new and scary to her but she was trying really hard, hoping that it would be worth it in the end.  
She tried to breathe through the pain and the pressure in her chest, telling herself to push these thoughts away. She was afraid, but what scared her even more was the thought of not being with Dana. Stella knew that she should be making something to eat, being hungry wouldn’t change her mind but she felt numb and drained and completely out of it; lost somehow. This wasn’t the place she had imagined herself in at any point in her life and a part of her felt like she didn’t even belong here. 

She was tired and incredibly lost, a part of her aching for a break. There was something screaming somewhere inside of her but she couldn’t hear it, couldn’t make out the words. She needed sleep and love and understanding; she needed someone to tell her that what she was doing was wrong and it sucked but she would survive and make the best of it. She needed a hug and she needed to be loved but maybe she had to learn to do that for herself first before she was ready to let someone else love her the same way. 

She wanted to give up, all of it. Stella was stunned by the sudden outbreak, knowing that she had caused it herself. She had allowed herself to think a little too much, to let the fear of loss consume her. It was one of the reasons why she had refrained from trusting people, from letting them breach her protective walls because she couldn’t bear the love of yet another person. She wouldn’t be able to deal with it, to be let down again. 

All of a sudden her sight blurred and she teared up a little. It made her angry, frustrated with herself. She had never been that kind of person and she didn’t like it. She sat in someone else’s kitchen, quietly sobbing to herself. She covered her mouth with her hands, crying into her sleeve. She tried to keep the sobs inside, tried to stop but she couldn’t, not yet. She didn’t even know why she started crying in the first place. She had been going through her days, pretending that everything was okay and some days it was; on other days, like these, the whole world appeared to crumble around her seemingly perfect life. 

She used to be ready to face and fight whatever crossed her path, she had lived for that and loved her job with every part of her body but there were other days when that seemed impossible; when getting out of bed took longer, when taking a shower didn’t seem worth it and when having breakfast was unnecessary. There were these quiet moments when the never ending struggle with her inner demons seemed endless and she felt like she had no one to talk to and everything hurt. She didn’t want to tell Dana because she didn’t even know where to start; sometimes she didn’t even know what the problem was. She was ashamed because she felt like an idiot and no one ever expected such a behavior of her, it was an unacceptable thing. 

She was here because she wanted to be, she got out of bed because she had to. She didn’t want anyone to worry about her, she wasn’t one to complain about her feelings, it had never been something she had been good at. If there was something Stella had learned over the years it was the fact that keeping your feelings to yourself was easier sometimes. She was quiet but people simply thought she didn’t want to talk to them, was just fed up with them; that’s usually how it was at work. She had accepted that, knowing better than to correct them. She knew what it felt like to be at your worst, to be in incredibly dark places. She still felt the scars, that had faded a long time ago. They were permanently engraved on the insides of her thighs and the soles of her feet; she couldn’t feel them but she felt them angrily burning whenever she let them.  
This was exactly why she needed Dana to be ok. She wanted her to feel better, to make sure that she wasn’t suffering because she couldn’t take that. 

She sat there for a few more minutes, hugging her knees with her head down. Stella was shattered, praying that no one would ever see her like this. Every part of her body was aching but in the end she got up and started to go through the cupboards to make something to eat. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, took a few deep breaths, splashing her face with cold water in an attempt to wash away the evidence of her tears. Trying to keep herself occupied with the task at hand she breathed slowly and steadily, pushing the demons back in their place because she couldn’t stand them any longer. 

She made noodle soup, ignoring the pot noodles she found in the cupboard and was quite happy with herself. She didn’t mind cooking she just couldn’t be bothered most of the time; it wasn’t worth it to cook just for herself and she often found herself too tired after work. She couldn’t even remember the last time someone had cooked for her; a day when she came home from work and everything was just ready and waiting for her. 

She found some bread, wondering how to get all of this upstairs without spilling half of it and burning her skin because she couldn’t really be bothered to go twice. Much to her surprise she found a small tray by the window that would make it a little easier but before she returned to Dana she made sure that her appearance wouldn’t give her away but it seemed futile. She went to the bathroom, taking a few deep breaths. She told herself that putting her hair up in a bun would somehow distract anyone from the fact that she had been weepy. Stella wasn’t sure if Dana would buy it but maybe that was exactly what a part of her wanted. 

She found Dana fast asleep, sprawled over her side of the bed. Stella put the tray down and decided to wake her anyway because she needed to have something to eat to get better. 

„Dana,“ Stella whispered softly, placing a kiss on the corner of her mouth. „You need to wake up,“ Stella said. 

Scully hummed softly, her senses slowly coming to life. She wasn’t quite sure what was happening and she didn’t know whether she was happy about it. 

„Hey there,“ Stella said quietly, brushing the hair out of her face until Dana finally opened her eyes, blinking several times. „I found something to eat.“

Dana sat up, shaking a little, trying to gather her thoughts and shrug off the sleep. She took several slow breaths, looking at Stella who was sitting next to her. She knew that something was wrong, she had seen it before. She felt a little more alert all of a sudden; she saw her glassy eyes and the wet eyelashes, knowing that she had been crying. It made her feel uneasy because she didn’t know what caused Stella so much trouble, didn’t want her to feel like she had to hide from her.  
Stella knew that Dana knew the truth, it had taken her less than three seconds to figure it out. She saw the concern on Dana’s face but she wasn’t ready to talk about it, didn’t even know what to say. 

„I made soup,“ Stella said and reached for the bowl. 

Scully sat cross-legged, her mind still trying to figure out what mood Stella was in. 

„Thank you,“ she said softly. 

They ate quietly and Scully felt the warmth filling her empty stomach and it was a wonderful thing that made her feel less queasy; she felt much better after a little while.

„What happened to you?“ Stella asked a couple of minutes later. 

Her head was resting on Dana’s stomach, her fingers gently caressing the warm skin under her shirt. She felt the scar tissue, had seen it before but it had never occurred to her to ask about it. 

Scully sighed softly. She felt Stella’s fingertips on her scar but at the same time she didn’t. It was a strange sensation and not really feeling it but she knew it was right there. 

„That was a long time ago,“ Scully said, playing with Stella’s hair. „I was shot while working a case,“ Scully said, remembering the moment she had averted her gaze. She had escaped death because someone else had taken her place. 

I’m immortal, she thought and almost laughed at that thought. 

„As you can see,“ Scully said and softly caressed Stella’s temple with her fingers. „I was saved just in time, as good as new,“ she said and Stella chuckled. 

„I’m glad you are,“ she whispered. 

„Yes,“ Scully answered. There were a few moments of silence when Stella asked: „What kind of cases have you been working on anyway?“

Scully took a deep breath; that was the one question she had always feared. She was afraid to make a fool of herself but she decided to try. 

„A lot of… strange things,“ Scully said. „Unnatural things.“

„Really?“ Stella asked because that was the last thing she had expected. 

„Yes,“ Scully said with a smile. „Unnatural phenomenons, conspiracies… you name it,“ she said, refusing to mention „aliens“ though. 

„I think we were the worst FBI Agents ever. It seems like we never solved a damn case as most of the stuff had been left inexplicable. I was the one writing those damn reports, trying to make it sound plausible somehow.“

„How the hell did you end up there?“ Stella asked. 

„It was my first job after med school, I wanted something different,“ she said. „I was accepted at the FBI and assigned to work with Mulder…“

Stella could see it now, she had been assigned to watch him. 

„You were supposed to keep an eye on him?“ she said and Scully nodded. 

„I didn’t believe in most of it but I did it anyway,“ she said. „I always told myself I could quit and find something else. It took me almost 10 years to do so…“ she explained but didn’t have the heart to get into more details. 

Something told Stella that she didn’t get out of there because she had been in love; maybe a part of her was still in love with the man she had met such a long time ago. 

„By the time I was ready to quit I found myself unable to do so,“ Scully said. „Too many things had happened in between and I… I just couldn’t give up.“

„I understand,“ Stella said quietly although she had absolutely no idea what exactly Dana was talking about. They were quiet for a little while, both lost in thoughts when Scully chuckled softly.

„What is it?“ Stella asked. 

„I once shot Mulder on purpose,“ she said and bit her lip, trying not to laugh. It hadn’t been quite so funny and she shouldn’t be laughing about it at all. It hadn’t been the only time she had shot him but the second time would be too weird to explain. 

„What the hell?“

„I think it was in our second year,“ Scully said. „We were working this case and he was about to shoot our main suspect. I was afraid he would kill him and I couldn’t let that happen so I shot Mulder instead. Straight through the shoulder, it was a well-aimed shot. No permanent damage done,“ she said and didn’t mention Krycek, and that it wasn’t the last time they had met.

„Remind me never to piss you off when you’re carrying to a gun,“ Stella said. 

„Not carrying one any more,“ Scully said, her fingers still playing with Stella’s hair, chuckling softly. She didn’t mention the abductions and her children and all the lost family members; she didn’t have the strength to go to the depths of this ordeal just yet.

„I went back to working at the hospital when they closed our department,“ Scully said. She didn’t say: „They closed the x-files when shit got too serious and we fucked up…“

***

„I’m afraid we’ll have to leave the house soon, there’s no milk left,“ Scully said, feeling a little bit better than she had the night before.

She wanted to get out of the house and get some fresh air, see something else and distract herself. She still thought about Stella and the fact that she had obviously been crying last night; the question was still hanging in the air like thick fog that never cleared throughout the day. 

„Sounds like a good idea,“ Stella said. 

She still had a few days off and she had never actually taken the time do something. She had always wanted to make plans but she never wanted to go on her own so she had stayed at home, doing nothing while she told herself that this was exactly what she needed. About an hour later they made their way towards the city center, decided to walk because it wasn’t raining or snowing. They walked past the park where they had spent some time yesterday, the grass still glistening with frozen snow. 

Scully looked at her feet. 

„What if someone sees us?“ Stella asked. She didn’t care about this but she was worried about Dana; something told her that she wasn’t ready for this just yet. 

She shrugged. 

„I don’t know…“ Scully said and walked past Stella; she noticed the sudden change in Stella’s expression. 

It was just a brief moment before she composed herself. „I… I don’t care,“ she suddenly said and took Stella’s hand. Stella looked at their hands, stunned and taken aback by the sudden intimacy. 

„I really don’t care,“ Dana said softly and held on to Stella’s hand. 

Stella was surprised and utterly touched, not having expected this. She felt a little overwhelmed; she wasn’t the kind of person to hold hands with anyone, especially not in public. They both weren’t too keen on public displays of affection but this seemed just right and for now she didn’t want to let go. Stella knew there was still a lot to talk about, the initial problem was still something that needed to be addressed but for the moment this was all Stella needed.  
They made their way down the lively Cowley Road that wasn’t quite as busy as it used to be on other days. Scully liked to walk this way, there was always something going on and sometimes it had made her feel less alone. 

„When was the last time you’ve been to Oxford?“ Scully asked, still holding on to her hand. 

„Well,“ Stella thought about it. Except for that one time in October, where she had surprised her at the Halloween party, she didn’t remember. „I don’t remember. It must have been a long time ago.“

„Such a shame,“ Scully said. „It’s a beautiful place.“

It was true. It wasn’t home but it was still a wonderful place; it was so different from everything she had had back home. Everything was smaller and things seemed to move a bit slower here. She didn’t need a car to go to places and, as someone who had been born in the United States, it had taken quite some time to get used to not taking the car for everything. She could walk to places, take the bus if she was in the mood or actually ride a bike, if she owned one.  
Everything was old but intriguing and inviting at the same time. It was clean and mysterious somehow and Scully had enjoyed wandering through the city center, exploring the ancient buildings of the University whenever she had time. 

„Yes, it is,“ Stella said and looked around. 

She took a deep breath, feeling like she never took the time to actually look at things. Most of the time she felt herself rushing, walking by without ever paying attention because she was always so busy. Maybe it was time to slow down a little, she thought and cast a sideways glance at Dana. 

They walked past Tesco’s and Scully made a mental note to get some milk on the way back. They made their way past small cafes, restaurants until they got to Magdalen Bridge, leading onto High Street into the city center. Scully knew these streets by heart now, had walked them many times. Especially in the beginning, when everything was new and she had tried to come to terms with her decision, she had walked through the city a lot.  
She had tried to feel less lonely by sitting in cafes, watching people pass by and go on with their lives. It was before she had started working at the hospital and found the job at University. It helped but it hadn’t kept her from feeling very lonely at some point; even Mulder hadn't been able to ease that state of mind.  
Stella looked around, surprised by how empty the streets were and how calm everything appeared to be. It wasn't something you'd ever get to see in London, it was always busy and crowded. It almost felt like they travelled through time, everything looked so different; relicts from a past long ago. It was impressive and calming somehow. Stella wondered how many people had walked through these streets before her, how many had been hiding from something because the truth was too painful, scary even?

She was lost in thoughts when a smile crossed Dana's face. They passed the Covered Market and if Stella wasn't mistaken there was the faintest sweet smell wafting by; it smelled like cookies. 

"I used to come here when I felt lonely," Scully said. "It reminded me of home somehow."

Stella looked at her feet, picturing Dana all by herself while she tried to settle in somehow. 

"If only I had known you then," Stella said softly. "You wouldn't have been so lonely."

"We could have been lonely together," Dana said and Stella smiled. "You want to grab a coffee?" 

"Sounds wonderful," Stella said and Scully led the way, straight ahead onto Queen Street. 

Costa wasn't quite as busy as she had expected it to be and it was a rather lovely surprise. Usually the place was crowded and noisy with tourists and students; most of them were still on vacation or at home somewhere else so it was a pleasantly quiet Monday morning. 

She waited in line, not even having to ask how Stella liked her coffee and what it was that she wanted. She knew these things by now, these were the little things that mattered to her. She knew how Stella drank her coffee and that she only drank tea when she felt incredibly upset about something. She didn't like sugar in her coffee, preferred dark chocolate and loved Italian food.

A few minutes later she found Stella upstairs where it was even quieter. Only two other tables were occupied with people pretending to work on their laptops. She found Stella in a corner by the window, smiling when she looked up. Dana quietly wondered at what point things had changed. They went from secretly meeting at her place, hotels even, to having coffee in a pretty public place. There was nothing unusual about it at first sight but to Dana it meant a lot. She might as well be having coffee with a friend, she was doing just that, but there was a little bit more than that. 

All of a sudden it felt like such a normal thing to do to have coffee with Stella, knowing exactly what she wanted. It was the first time they spent time in Oxford together, having used London as a secret place and an escape. Meeting here in this very particular place changed a lot of things for Dana and she slowly noticed that this was exactly what she wanted; she wanted to meet friends and have time for coffee.  
She carried their cups to the table, briefly considering where to sit. Taking the seat opposite of Stella struck her as odd somehow so she opted for the one next to her, Stella looked surprised for a second. 

"What is it?" She asked and Stella reached for her cup. 

Stella shrugged. 

"This is so weird," she said over the edge of her cup. 

"Weird?" Scully asked. "How? You're having a nice cup of coffee.“

"That, my dear," she said and turned a little in her seat so she was facing Dana. "Is true."

"But?"

"It's so..." Stella tried to find the right word. 

"Normal?" Scully offered because she knew exactly what Stella was feeling. 

"Yes," she said. "Don't get me wrong, I love being here with you. It's just... Not something I'm used to."

"I understand," Scully said. "What are you afraid of?" She tried to resist the urge and reach out and touch Stella. 

She missed her, missed the feeling of touching her soft, naked body. She needed to feel her hot breath on her flushed skin, fucking her real slow until she couldn't think clearly any longer. Maybe she was getting better if these were things that troubled her now. She still felt a little tired and exhausted but it wasn't quite as bad as it had been a few days ago. 

"Making a mistake?" Stella said quietly and looked at her hands, holding the cup of coffee in her lap. 

"That's what we do, isn't it?" Scully said; it was the same thing she had been thinking about countless times. "No one is perfect."

Stella chuckled softly, knowing that she was far from being perfect. 

To me, you are, Stella thought and looked at Dana. 

Against her earlier concern Dana reached out, taking one of Stella's hands into her own. 

"What if someone sees us?" Stella asked and looked around the room. 

No one was paying attention to them. She kept pretending that she wanted to keep it secret for Dana's sake although she had somehow demanded an answer last night but was it really just that? Or did a part of her want to keep it secret, using Dana as an excuse, because it terrified her to make it official? What if things changed when the thrill of the forbidden was gone?

"So?" Dana said with a smile. "Let them see it..."

"Are you sure?" Stella said quietly.

"Yes," Dana said, keeping her eyes on the woman next to her. "I can't do this anymore," she said Stella looked confused for a moment. "Hiding," Scully said and Stella nodded.

"I spent so many years running from something, hiding even and I can't do it anymore," Scully said. 

For years and years they had kept, whatever it was that she had with Mulder, a secret although everyone knew they were fucking and still they thought it would be worth hiding. It had cost a lot of strength, made everything so much harder and she was tired of it. 

"I spent so long doing that and... I can't do it anymore."

Scully had been lying about dozens of things throughout her career, whenever she wrote one of her FBI reports because the truth was ridiculous, unbelievable or scary. She had lied about her relationship and her own needs and desires. She had never even considered that it might be more; she had been so focused on Mulder and her feelings for him that she had lost sight of everything and herself.  
Even when he was gone, when she had buried him and when they had separated after all she hadn't been able to find someone else. Never in her life had she even dreamed about sitting in a cafe in England with a woman she was madly in love with. Time never stood still, she couldn't make things undone, she could only move forward and maybe it was time to do that. 

"I don't want to hide anymore," she said softly. 

She wanted people to know that she was in love with this amazing woman and that she was hers alone, she just needed time to come to terms with it all by herself and tell Mulder because he deserved to know the truth.

Stella smiled; touched by Scully's words. She wanted to say something, wanted to tell her that this was what she wanted although she was scared but words failed her at the moment. Dana held her hand, squeezing it gently in a reassuring gesture. She didn't need to say more. 

All of a sudden Dana started laughing.

"What is it?" Stella asked. 

"Just thought about my brother," Scully said and put her cup on the table, pulling her legs up to make herself comfortable. 

"My oldest brother Bill," Scully said and Stella remembered that she once mentioned her siblings but they never talked about them. 

"He's in the navy, still," Scully said with a smile. "Just like my dad used to be. He was always so... Correct about everything; following daddy's footsteps. I'm not sure why but he never liked that I started working with the FBI, he always seemed to disapprove," Scully explained. "I don't know whether he was scared and concerned or whether he simply thought it wasn't a job fit for women," Scully said and shrugged. She had never bothered to have that conversation with her oldest brother. 

"We never got along really well but in the end I think he just meant to be protective in his very own way, especially after my dad had died," she said and smiled at their hands, fingers still entwined. "He moved to California so I hardly saw him and it didn't seem to be a big deal," she said. 

"Can you imagine how excited he was when he found out I had been partnered up with Fox Mulder, working on conspiracy theories?" 

Stella chuckled. 

"He didn't like it but it wasn't any of his business," Scully said. "He disapproved of Mulder and I think that has never changed," Scully said, slowly getting to what she actually meant to say. 

"He blamed Mulder when I got sick, he blamed him for everything but I wouldn't have it," Scully explained and Stella could see it. The older brother, concerned with his little sister's life choices. 

"I think he was somewhat delighted when he found out that we had separated for good," Scully said with a sigh. 

"But that wasn't the end of the story, was it?" Stella asked, slowly putting the pieces of their love story together. 

"No," Scully said and shook her head. "We had been living in a house together, minding our own business... Trying to keep it low-key while hiding from the FBI but at some point I couldn't do it anymore so I decided to leave," she said. 

"But you are here now," Stella said. She had never believed in destiny but maybe some things did happen for a reason. 

"I am," she said. "Bill wasn't happy when I told him that I'd be leaving the United States to be with the man I had been trying to get away from," she said and it did sound a little pathetic. 

"Imagine my brother finding out that his little sister, who had been brought up as a strictly catholic girl, is having an affair with a woman..." She said and started laughing; her laughter was contagious and Stella couldn’t help but smile when she looked at Dana until she calmed down, wiping the corner of her eyes with her thumb. 

They finished their coffee quietly, the fog having lifted just a little.

"Ready to go?" Scully asked. "I wanna show you something," she said. 

The air was crisp and cold when they stepped outside and Scully wondered whether it was going to snow again. The streets were a little bit busier, the city slowly waking up from hibernation after the holidays. 

"Where are we going?" Stella asked, wondering if she had ever walked through these streets. 

They took a left on Cornmarket Street, lazily strolling past the shops, taking a right on Broad Street where the big bookshop was but that wasn't where Dana was heading. The University and the Colleges were just to their right, the ancient buildings throning majestically. 

"Right here," Scully said, pointing to a small shop entrance right ahead of them. 

It looked plain and unimpressive and Stella was sure she would have missed it if Dana hadn't pointed it out. She opened the door and motioned for Stella to step in. It was an ancient bookshop, dimly lit and crowded with shelves carrying hundreds of books. Stella looked around, mesmerized by the sudden change of her surroundings. It was eerily quiet inside the shop; it smelled of old books and paper and dust. It smelled old and mysterious somehow and Stella wondered what stories laid hidden on those shelves and how many centuries some of these ancient books had survived.  
Slowly they walked between the shelves and it was quiet, almost as if the books swallowed all noise that came from outdoors. Stella's fingertips brushed the back of the books on the shelves while she walked past, some felt a little dusty and it was intriguing somehow, making her fingertips a little tingly.

"What is this place?" She said to Dana who was walking ahead, leading her to the back of the cramped bookshop. 

"A refuge," she said and turned around, walking backwards while she faced Stella. "I used to come here when I felt overwhelmed by everything, when I felt like I couldn't take it anymore," she explained. "It is so quiet in here," she almost whispered. 

"I felt safe and protected, felt like nothing could harm me when I was in here because no one would ever find me in a tiny bookshop somewhere in England. I spent hours in here, hiding from the world," she said and stopped, waiting for Stella to step closer. She put both hands in Stella's hips. "I never showed anyone," she whispered. 

"It's wonderful," Stella said. „It is almost magical. It feels so unreal."

Quietly they walked between the shelves; it was calm except for the soft sound of Stella's footsteps in the aisle next to her. Occasionally she saw Stella's blonde hair between the books, knowing she was right there. Dana scanned the book titles, recognizing familiar names here and there. She reached for one of the books, an anthology by Jonathan Swift and wondered whether she had ever read any of his poems.  
She thumbed through the book, skim-reading the pages until she found something that caught her eye. She went back until she found that page that had caught her attention and smiled, turning to where she thought Stella was waiting on the other side of the shelf.

„Hey," Scully said softly with a smile. "I have something for you," she said and held the book in front of her. 

Stella waited, wondering what was about to happen. "Listen," Scully said and cleared her throat before she started reading:

_"Stella's Birthday,_

_Stella this day is thirty-four,  
We shan't dispute a year or more.“_

"I'm not thirty-four," Stella threw in but Dana ignored her. 

_"However, Stella, be not troubled,"_ she read and chuckled softly and Stella couldn't help but smile. 

Dana's voice still sounded very nasal because of the cold and, although she had spent most of her life in the US, she couldn't keep the British accent out of it. Stella had heard it before; without noticing it the pronunciation of some words had turned into something very British and it was utterly adorable. 

_"Although thy size and years are doubled,"_ Dana read and paused to laugh while Stella raised an eyebrow at her, watching her through some books. 

_"Since first I saw thee at sixteen, the brightest virgin on the green,"_ she read, putting a rather dramatic emphasis on her words. Stella opened her mouth to protest but couldn't help but smile. She kept walking to the end of the shelf and Dana followed with the book in her hands. 

_"So little is thy form declined; made up so largely in thy mind."_

"Oh, just stop it," Stella said and rolled her eyes. 

_"Oh, would it please the Gods to split, thy beauty, size, and years, and wit."_

"Dana," Stella warned her, urging her to stop. 

It was stupid but hilarious and cute at the same time. She wasn't used to someone paying so much attention to her, let alone to her birthday which was in August anyway, and not in January but that wasn't the point. 

"Shhhh," Dana said with a laugh. "This is getting good."

 _"No age could furnish out a pair of nymphs so graceful, wise and fair,"_ Dana read softly. _"With half the lustre of your eyes,"_ she read and took her eyes off the page, looking at Stella who was leaning against the shelf, trying very hard not to smile. 

_"With half your wit, your years and size,"_ she read and chuckled. 

"How flattering," Stella said and crossed her arms in front of her chest, biting her lip. 

_"And then, before it grew too late, how should I beg of gentle fate, that either nymph might have her swain, to split my worship too in twain,“_ she finished and closed the book. 

"Enough," Stella said. 

She took a step forward and kissed Dana. She snaked her arms around her waist, under her coat and pulled her in for a gentle, lingering kiss. Dana had already missed this, had been craving Stella's soft lips but she had not wanted to pass on her damn cold although it might be too late already. They spent a few more minutes in the tiny bookshop, hidden from the world in a place where time stood still. Between shelves and books, hidden from reality they sought comfort in each other's arms. A gentle lover's kiss that seemed to lighten their burden for the time-being. Dana broke the kiss, panting a little. 

"I can't breathe," she said with a laugh and tilted her head back. Stella watched her, mesmerized and touched. She placed another soft kiss on the corner of Dana's mouth, whispering hotly against her lips. 

"Let's get out of here," she said and a few moments later they stepped outside, the cold winter air hugging them with a vicious grip. 

They walked past the colleges, taking a short cut through a narrow street past the Radcliff Camera and the Bodleian Library until they emerged on High Street once more. They made their way back across the bridge, leaving the city centre behind; they went to Tesco's and Dana remembered why she never went grocery shopping when she was hungry because she ended up buying lots of chocolate and sweets but then again it was a nice feeling to have an appetite at all after being poorly for a couple of days.  
They were still on break and she blamed it on the holidays so she reassured and told herself that it was still acceptable to buy left-over Christmas chocolate and get back to normal once she returned to work. 

"You are quiet," Scully noticed while they walked through the park. "Everything ok?" She asked and cast a sideward glance at Stella. 

"Yes," she said. She had been lost in thoughts ever since they left the bookshop. "I have never really paid a lot of attention to my birthday," she said, hoping that it didn't sound stupid. 

Scully stopped in front of her, feeling a little foolish now. 

"I'm sorry," Scully said with a sigh. "It was just a joke, I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay," Stella said. "It's nothing."

"Well, it doesn't look like nothing to me," Dana said. 

"Don't worry about it, love," Stella said and smiled at her. "It was funny somehow."

Scully took a deep breath while Stella walked past her. 

"Come on," she said and turned around. "I'm getting hungry."

Scully laughed and followed her.

***

"How long will you stay?" Dana asked and walked into the guest room.

Stella sat in the armchair with her feet pulled up under her, checking emails on the phone. It slowly dawned on them that the holiday break was almost over and that it was time to get back to their daily routines. 

It also meant that Scully would be in London a few times a week, giving her a chance to see Stella but it was just a matter of time until their little construction would break under the pressure. Mulder would be back on Wednesday; he had told her when he texted her earlier to ask how she was doing. 

"I'll have to go back to London tomorrow," Stella said and put her phone aside. Scully approached her and Stella stretched her legs, making space for Dana to sit in her lap. 

"I'm sorry," Scully said again, softly cupping Stella's face with her hands. "I didn't mean to upset you," she spoke softly against her lips. "I never want to hurt you or let anyone harm you," she said, knowing that Stella didn't need her protection.

"Dana," Stella said softly and put her hands on Scully's wrists. "It's just... I never celebrated my birthday. I never knew who to invite and no one seemed to care so I... I just ignored it," she said. 

"It doesn't matter, it's no big deal," Stella said and looked up into Dana's blue eyes. Stella hated her birthday because, much like New Year's Eve, it always reminded her another year gone by; another year of failures and fuck-up's. 

"It matters to me," Scully said softly. 

She had never really celebrated; it had got lost between abductions, deaths and diseases and she had always hated being the center of attention somehow. 

"I care," Scully said, her thumbs caressing the soft skin of her cheeks. "I promise to be with you for your birthday," Scully said and placed a feather-light kiss on her forehead. "I will be with you and we'll do whatever you want to make it a little bit better," she kissed her on the tip of her nose and the corners of her lips until Stella chuckled softly. 

She laid her arms around Dana.

"That sounds wonderful," Stella said. 

"I want to be with you," Scully said softly. 

She had said it before but it seemed a little different now that they were all on their own. "I know it is crazy and it's scary... I don't want to hide and lie any longer," she said and Stella nodded. "But I need time..." She whispered. "I just... I need to find the right moment to talk to Mulder," she said. 

"Ok," Stella said, wondering whether there would ever be such thing as the right moment. 

Scully kissed her on the lips, a sense of longing washing over her. 

"I'll be back at university next week," Scully said. "Will you meet me for dinner after work, DSI Gibson?"

"That sounds like a wonderful plan, Dr. Scully," she said and smiled, feeling perfectly at ease at the moment; she put her forehead against Dana's and closed her eyes. 

Maybe all of this wouldn't be such a bad idea after all and Stella just needed time for herself, getting used to the feeling that it was time to let go off the loneliness that had tormented her all these years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny for your thoughts?  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)
> 
>  


	13. Be Near Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/t8do5K8tnKL6007H8W/giphy.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://media.giphy.com/media/t8do5K8tnKL6007H8W/giphy.gif)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I think they have both come a long way but the journey is not over - it won't be an easy one but it will be worth every moment. Thank you for staying with me, for reading this and all your lovely words.._

_Be near me now,_  
_My tormenter, my love, be near me—_  
_At this hour when night comes down,_  
_When, having drunk from the gash of sunset, darkness comes_  
_With the balm of musk in its hands, its diamond lancets,_  
_When it comes with cries of lamentation,_  
_with laughter with songs;_  
_Its blue-gray anklets of pain clinking with every step._  
_At this hour when hearts, deep in their hiding places,_  
_Have begun to hope once more, when they start their vigil_  
_For hands still enfolded in sleeves;_  
_When wine being poured makes the sound_  
_of inconsolable children_  
_who, though you try with all your heart,_  
_cannot be soothed._  
_When whatever you want to do cannot be done,_  
_When nothing is of any use;_  
_—At this hour when night comes down,_  
_When night comes, dragging its long face,_  
_dressed in mourning,_  
_Be with me,_  
_My tormenter, my love, be near me._

__

__

_[„Be Near Me“ - Faiz Ahmed Faiz]_

__

__

***

_Dana sat on the bench in the park after her first day back at work. It was a gloomy and rather unpleasant day. The sky had been overcast all morning and she never got to see the sun. She had finished early, taking things slow on the first day back. She had been surprised that so many of her students had turned up at all as they were just returning from vacation one by one._

She pulled her coat a little tighter around herself, moving her scarf so that the wind wouldn't get a chance to creep beneath the soft fabric and chill the warm skin underneath. The last remainders of the cold still lingered within her and she didn't need it to return and knock her off her feet a second time. She was tired and cold but the thought of meeting Stella had kept her going throughout the day. It had been almost a week since they had parted ways on her doorstep and, as bittersweet as that moment had been, it had also been a hopeful one; something that had promised a change.

Scully crossed her legs, her hands buried deep inside her fluffy pockets. She tried to keep herself warm, knowing that sitting here wouldn't do that for a very long time, but she used her thoughts to do so for a little while. She looked straight ahead, into the park and daylight was rapidly fading in front of her eyes. She was hoping that Stella wouldn't take too long; she had promised to pick her up and Scully hoped that she would make it before it was dark. 

She quietly smiled to herself, remembering the first time she had sat on this very bench with Stella. Back in October after the storm when things had been new and confusing and Scully had had absolutely no clue where this was heading. It was the day after Stella had kissed her and had freed something that Scully had ignored most of her life.  
She still remembered how it had torn her apart; not knowing whether she wanted it or not and at the same time she had found herself aching for more. Stella had been a stranger at that time but the thought of not seeing her again had tormented her. Scully had always believed that things happened for a reason, back in the day this was what had kept her sane until the point where she had given up because she had felt left behind and neglected.  
She couldn't have known that she would sit on this bench a couple of months later, having fallen head over heels for the stranger who had confused her so much with a single kiss. 

It was one she still remembered; it had taken her by surprise, overwhelmed and scared her somehow. She had been confused, had been confronted with feelings she didn't know she still carried inside of her. Now it all seemed so clear and she was ready to believe once more; that things happened for a reason and maybe the pieces were slowly falling into place. 

A smile crossed her face, remembering their last night before Stella had left for London. It had been a blissful intimacy; deeply soothing moments of quietness and peace and, although she had been somewhat exhausted from the cold, she had spent their last few hours making love to Stella. She couldn't describe it differently because that's what it had been. Although she wasn't quite ready to say it out loud or say it to Stella she knew that this was exactly what it had been. She had taken a step towards her, had admitted that she wanted to be with Stella, she just needed a bit of time. They both knew what it meant and it meant the world to them but neither was ready to say it out loud just yet.

***

_Stella wrapped her arms around Dana's waist, holding her close while she rose from the armchair. Scully giggled softly while Stella lifted her up, putting all her weight on Stella for a couple of seconds. She wrapped her legs around her, clinging to her body as she held her close._

_"What are you doing?" Scully asked with a smiled and Stella carried her over to the bed, taking the three or four steps easily._

_"Whatever you want," Stella said in a low voice, capturing her lips in an urgent kiss. Scully quietly praised the nose spray she had found in the downstairs bathroom, hoping that it would last just long enough to keep her from suffocating._

_Stella lowered Dana onto the bed without breaking the kiss and Scully leaned back, pulling her on top. She sighed softly into her mouth, her tongue slowly exploring every inch of her mouth almost as if she wanted to memorize it all before they were forced to part ways._  
She had not expected such a confession from Dana, not so soon anyway. It had touched her deeply and, although she hadn't said it, she knew what these words meant. Or at least she was hoping that she got it right and it had sparked a wave of emotions, an overwhelming need suddenly washing over her.  
They quietly got rid of what little clothes they were wearing; their eyes wandering, hands touching and lips kissing softly. They laid on top of the covers, the slightly cool air creating a lovely contrast against their heated bodies and, not for a single second, was there the need to cover themselves or turn off the lights. 

_She wanted to see Stella; the way her cheeks flushed, her pupils dilated with pleasure. She wanted to watch her chest heave in anticipation when her breath quickened, her composed self slowly becoming undone with the touch of her very own hands._

_"I want you so much," Dana whispered into her ear, her hot breath tickling the sensitive skin._

_She felt Stella shiver in anticipation; a smile crossing her face while she closed her eyes. Dana turned them around, leaving Stella sprawled beneath her in all her naked glory. Scully watched Stella in adoring silence, awestruck by the gorgeous image in front of her. She felt her heart swell with a wave of compassion and sympathy, it had all come out of nowhere. A couple of months ago, when she felt lonely and exhausted, she had not expected that she would one day meet someone and, for some inexplicable reason, feel more connected to this stranger than to anyone else in her life.  
Maybe Stella was the one who would safe her from her misery, from the darkness that had rooted within her life and her deeply vulnerable soul. She knew she had to trust Stella, even if she came hand in hand with pain and suffering, she was ready to believe that all of this happened for a reason. _

_Scully leaned forward, her hair curtaining their faces. She felt her nipples harden at the touch of Stella's silky skin, sighing softly when she pressed her warm lips against Stella's. It suddenly felt like it had been ages since she had last kissed her, had slept with her. Scully knew that it wasn't just the sex but the mere physical contact, the aching need to feel close to someone else. She needed to feel alive and not alone; the feeling of Stella's heartbeat soothed her, the feeling of her warm and slightly sweaty skin comforted her._

_Her finger slowly traced the outlines of Stella's lips; she kissed the fingertip when Scully rested it at the center. She looked up, Stella's icy blue eyes watching her every move. It wasn't like her and it wasn't easy to let go off the control, that she had held so dearly, but she knew that she could trust Dana._

_Scully took her bottom lip between her own, sucking softly until Stella parted her lips on the softest moan, craving more. She tried to close the distance between them but Scully drew back, a smile playing on her lips. She leaned in again and again, repeating a timeless game of give and take. She kissed the corners of Stella's mouth, just like she had earlier. She felt Stella's hot breath misting on her own skin, smelled her arousal and it drove her crazy but she didn't want to stop. She didn't want this to end, knowing that their intimate togetherness would be over in a couple of hours._

_She kissed every inch of Stella's face, her hands traveling up and down Scully's back. Every now and then her touch became a little rougher, a little more demanding but Scully wasn't ready to give in._

_"Dana," Stella whispered on a breathy moan, pulling her closer. Scully lowered herself onto Stella, wiping the hairs from her face with both hands._

_"You are so beautiful," Scully whispered barely audible against Stella's lips.  
She felt her cheeks flush, closing her eyes. She was slowly getting used to the intimacy but these words were almost too much. She had trouble believing these every time someone made her a compliment. It was hard for her to imagine that anyone would be seriously attracted to her, thinking she was beautiful; she hardly ever believed those words herself, why would anyone else think that of her?_

_"Look at me," Scully whispered softly, remembering the words Stella had said to her the first time they had spent the night together._

_She placed an open-mouth kiss on Stella's lips, lingering a little; her tongue lazily playing with Stella's. She felt her fingernails gently scratching her back, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Scully gasped at the sudden sensation, moaning against Stella's lips._

_Stella's hand rested in her neck, gripping her by the hairline, where the skin was soft and warm, pulling her in for a kiss. She parted her lips, opened herself, turning the kiss into something more desperate and urgent that left them both panting by the time they parted._

_"Touch me," Stella said; her voice was nothing but a whisper, trembling slightly with emotion and anticipation._

_There was a shimmer in her eyes, a hint of surprise at her own request. She had never asked for it, asked anyone at all but it was exactly what she needed._

_"I am in no hurry," Dana whispered sweetly, her hands trembling a little._

_She way dying to touch Stella, to draw those sweet and delicious sounds from her lips but she didn't want this to end._

_"I don't want this to end," she whispered in her ear. "Never," she said with a feather-light kiss to that soft spot right behind her ear._

_Stella whimpered gently at the touch, her hands falling to her sides. Dana slowly made her descend, leaving a trail of kisses in her wake. Stella parted her legs to give Dana more space, felt her own arousal stick to the insides of her thighs._

_Dana took one nipple into her mouth, felt Stella arching into the touch and it encouraged her a little more. She wanted to take this slow but it was proving to be harder by the second. Every touch, every inch of skin that her tongue tasted melted her own resistance, brought her closer to what she needed desperately. She felt her own wetness between her legs, the throbbing of her clit that demanded attention and release. She moved a little, settling between Stella's legs._

_Scully kissed her hipbones, leaving a glistening trail behind with her tongue. She looked at the image in front of her, her last bits of self control vanishing as the heady scent of Stella's arousal invaded her senses. She wanted to taste her; she loved it. It was strange and it turned her on more than anything else ever had. She loved making Stella come with her tongue, to feel her body writhing beneath her while she pushed her away, demanding so much more at the same time. She loved the feeling of Stella's hands in her hair, trying to find something to hold on to._  
Dana kissed the insides of her thighs; it tasted salty and incredibly arousing. She didn't want to tease Stella, not tonight. She leaned in, placing a soft kiss on her swollen clit. She closed her lips around her, sucking softly, causing Stella to cry out. Scully smiled, taking her sweet time teasing Stella with her mouth and her fingers. By now she had figured out what Stella liked, what brought her to the edge with a blissful agony. She put one hand over her hips, trying to keep her still.  
Dana looked up without taking her mouth away from Stella, who looked at her through hooded eyes. She nodded quietly, her hands holding Dana's hair away from her beautiful face. 

_"Yes," she encouraged her through gritted teeth, her chest heaving in anticipation. "Yes... Right there," she whispered, forced to break the eye contact when she threw her head back as the release washed over her. Scully savored the taste while Stella slowly came down, sealing her lips with a searing kiss. She tasted herself on Dana's lips, turning them around without breaking it._

***

Scully bit her lip, felt a familiar warmth in her lower belly as she moved her legs a little. She sighed, remembering that the night had not ended there. She didn't remember how many times Stella had made her come that night, it had ended in a blissful haze of delicious exhaustion with every bit of rational thinking wiped from her mind. The only thing she did remember was how she had touched herself under Stella's gaze. She had laid on the bed, her legs spread and draped across Stella's thighs while the blonde was comfortably sitting between them.

 _"Touch yourself,"_ Stella had encouraged her quietly and Scully thought that she had not hesitated for a second. 

She had never really liked this, it had always left her feeling somewhat exposed but she felt safe with Stella and her own hand had travelled to her aching and swollen center, circling her throbbing clit slowly. It hadn't taken Stella long, her resistance had melted at the image in front of her, touching Dana where she really wanted it. She had teased her, fucked her slowly with her fingers while Dana pleasured herself. 

Scully bit her lip, wondering what the night would bring. Unfortunately her joy didn't last too long. It was getting dark and cold, she felt chilled and slightly irritated. She fished her phone from her pocket, feeling somewhat stiff when she rose from the bench. There was no message from Stella but she decided to ring her up anyway. She was ok with Stella running late but the least thing she could do was calling to tell her so. She knew that, with her job, things sometimes happened unexpectedly and she accepted that, what she didn't like was being stood up like this. She called Stella's cell while she made her way towards the entrance of the park. She had no intention to stay longer than she needed to, especially now that it was getting dark. 

The anticipation she felt earlier slowly gave way to mild annoyance when her call went to voicemail. 

"Stella, it's me," she said and looked around, hearing the first raindrops falling from the sky. "I've been waiting for you, just call me," she said and ended the call, put the phone back in her pocket and pulled her hoodie over her head.

She sighed, trying to figure out what to do. It's been a long day and she was hungry and tired, the last thing she needed was being out here in the cold and dark. She waited for ten more minutes, pacing the pavement. She felt like an idiot, stood up and forgotten about. 

There was something about the whole thing that struck her as odd, something about it that she didn't like at all but she couldn't put her finger on it. She had briefly talked to Stella on the way to work this morning where they had talked about their plans and she had sounded so excited, looking forward after not having seen each other for a whole week and now she didn't show up and didn't even leave a message or answer her calls. It wasn't like her not to be on time, she had never been unreliable and Scully didn't like it. She walked down the street to Stella's flat, arriving a couple of minutes later only to find it empty because Stella was not at home either.  
Scully sighed, feeling angry and exhausted. She just wanted to be somewhere warm with Stella in her arms. 

She called Stella again, her call going to voice mail a second time. 

"For God's sake, Stella," Scully said a little louder, feeling frustrated. "Where are you?" She didn't mean to sound so mad but the truth was that this was exactly what she felt at this very moment. 

She called Stella's office but this call went unanswered as well and it unsettled Scully deeply. She looked around the empty street, feeling incredibly lost and helpless. She took a deep breath, trying to think about her next step. She had this sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach that told her that something was wrong. She walked to the nearest metro station, fished her Oyster Card out of her purse and prayed that it wouldn't be too overcrowded at this time of the day.  
By the time she got to Barbican Station it was pouring down with rain. She made her way through the crowds, getting on the Circle Line to Westminster as fast as possible. She didn't want to be here longer than necessary, she had always hated the overcrowded tube stations. The ride didn't take long and Scully remained by the door, pretending she was somewhere else, some place that wasn't an overcrowded tube with stuffy air and too many chatty tourists. She felt impatient and frustrated, trying to keep the worry out of her thoughts. Maybe it was all a big misunderstanding and her anger would fade the moment she saw Stella. 

A couple of minutes later a sigh of relief washed over Scully when she stepped out of the tube station, the cold afternoon air caressing her face. She took a deep breath, making her way along Victoria Embankment. There weren't quite as many people around here except for those rushing home or to work and the few tourists bracing the terrible weather at this time of the day. 

The headquarters came into view after a while but it seemed to take forever to get there. She didn't bother to look at her phone, keeping her hands buried deeply in her pockets. Scully stepped into the building, trying to remember on which floor Stella's office was without having to ask her way around because she wasn't in the mood to talk to someone. She made her way to the elevators, pretending that she knew exactly where she was heading and that she was supposed to be here at this moment. 

She stepped out on Stella's floor and the moment she did so, she knew that something had happened. She hesitated for a moment, looking around; there were a few more people around and everything seemed a little more hectic somehow. There were people bustling around, talking on phone's and something appeared to be out of place. 

She didn't see Stella and her heart dropped a little while her mind tried to come up with a number of possible scenarios that would explain Stella's absence. 

Scully looked around, recognizing the secretary Mary whom she had met during her first visit a while ago. She had appeared to be a genuinely nice and helpful lady so Scully decided to give it a try. She walked toward the elderly lady, trying to figure out what to say. Only then did she realize the slightly upset manner and how obviously shaken the woman was and Scully didn't like it at all. 

"Excuse me," Dana said kindly. "It's Mary isn't it?" She said and it looked like Mary remembered her; maybe this would work in her favor. 

The last thing she needed was people telling her that there was nothing to worry about and that they couldn't say more at the moment and that there was nothing she could do. She had heard these words many times before, had uttered them herself time and time again and she had a feeling that, whatever it was, this time wouldn't be any different. 

"It's Dr. Scully," she said. "I'm a friend of DSI Gibson."

"Yes," Mary said and the look on her face changed a little. "Yes, yes, I remember," she said. 

"I was supposed to meet her today but she didn't show up and I couldn't get hold of her," Dana said and didn't fail to notice how her voice trembled a little at the end. She cleared her throat, tried to keep a clear head. She didn't even know what had happened. 

Mary looked at her hands, trying to avoid Scully's gaze for a second. 

„Oh, you don't know?" Mary said and looked up, looking worried and Dana's heart beat a little faster. "I'm sorry, darling," Mary said quietly and Scully didn't understand. 

"What happened?" Scully asked more urgently, fully alert by now. "Mary, what happened?"

"She... She was attacked earlier," Mary said with a sob. 

"What?" Scully asked, fear rushing through her body as the definition of "attack" had not been specified yet; it could be anything. 

"What do you mean with ‚attacked‘?" She took a deep breath, reminding herself to stay calm and focused. "Where is she?" Scully asked quietly, not knowing whether she wanted to hear the answer.

"She's in the hospital," Mary said and Scully sighed. "She... She was... It happened during an interrogation. He attacked her… hit her," Mary said and it was obvious that she was still shocked. "She was taken to the hospital and I think they will keep her over night."

Scully closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She tried to be rational and calm. 

"Which hospital?" She asked. "Can you do me a favor and find that out for me while I go and get a few things from her office?" Mary nodded and Scully didn't even bother to ask whether anyone was okay with this. 

It seemed like no one noticed her anyway. She stepped into Stella's office, wondering whether her stuff would be locked away.  
She could imagine that no one had bothered to fetch her personal belongings before taking her to the hospital and everything looked like it had been left behind in a rush; Stella had been on her way out when she was asked to assist during an on-going interrogation. Her coat was hanging over the back of her chair, her scarf had fallen to the floor. Her phone and keys were left on the desk and her computer was still running. 

She reached down to pick up the scarf from the floor, moving slow as if in trance. She knew that a part of her was trying to avoid going to the hospital because it scared her, not knowing what she would find and in which condition Stella would be. She put the keys in her bag, saw her own unanswered calls blinking on the screen of her phone and it made her feel guilty. She put the phone and the scarf in her bag, took Stella's coat from the chair and left the office behind. 

"Dr. Scully?" Mary said. "She was taken to the St. Thomas Hospital."

"Thank you," Scully said and made her way toward the elevator without looking back. She hated how everything seemed to take longer when you were in a hurry. She knew this wasn't possible, she had discussed it with Mulder again and again, knowing that it was impossible but it certainly didn’t feel that way.

She stepped out of the building, looking around. She stared at the river in front of her, glistening in the dark with the London Eye towering colorful on the other side. She wondered what the fastest way would be and she hated herself for having to look it up on her phone because she had absolutely no clue. She was used to having a car or knowing her way around; being stranded like a bloody tourist without knowing where to go was nothing she was comfortable with.  
She turned to the right; the hospital was only a five minute walk away. Maybe that was the only good part of the day, she thought. She walked along the riverbank, toward Elizabeth tower and took a left on to the bridge. She walked across Westminster Bridge, trying to brace herself against the icy wind and the rain, holding on to Stella's coat. She could see the hospital in the distance, just by the riverbank.

A wave of relief washed over her when she found the right way without getting lost. She wondered whether Stella was still in the emergency room or had been taken somewhere else to spend the night. Either way she decided that this was her field of expertise and she needed to use this to her advantage.  
She stepped into the busy ER, trying to find someone who looked helpful but her hopes were fading by the minute. Everyone seemed busy at the moment and she had a feeling that this wouldn't change within the next couple of hours. 

She introduced herself as 'Dr. Scully' trying to play the patient-doctor card all the way and as much as some of these lovely people wanted to help, the information they had for her didn't get her anywhere. 

"Excuse me," Scully said with a frustrated sigh. She decided to try the information desk one more time. "My name is Dr. Scully and I'm looking for one of my patients," she said, wondering whether the nurse would buy her story.  
Scully didn't know how long she had been in here, how much time had passed since she had stepped out of the headquarters building at the other side of the river.  
A part of her clothes was soaked while the other part of her body was sweaty because she was still wearing her heavy winter coat while carrying Stella's at the same time. She was tired and impatient, probably dehydrated by now. She was close to tears when she was about to be turned down again one more time.  
Why was this so hard? How was no one able to tell her where Stella was, she had been admitted after all. Scully leaned against the desk, feeling somewhat desperate.

What if Mary had got it wrong and she was in the wrong hospital?

She pushed that thought away, trying not to give up. She had been through worse situations and she couldn't let that defeat her. What really destroyed her at this very moment was the defeating helplessness when she realized that she didn't even know when Stella's birthday was. She was embarrassed by herself and the fact that she knew nothing about her. They had talked about it but at the same time they really hadn't.

She laid her face in her hands, trying to take a deep breath. 

"Her name is Stella Gibson," she tried again. "She is a Detective Superintendent with the Metropolitan Police, she works at the other side of the river and she was attacked earlier today," Scully recalled all the pieces of information she actually had, trying to make it sound plausible. 

She knew that the nurse at the other side of the desk was just doing her best and she reminded herself to be a little more understanding the next time she dealt with family members at the hospital. 

"Dr. Scully?" A man asked to her right. She looked up; he was dressed in blue scrubs, looking tired but friendly. "I'm Dr. Anderson," he said and held out his hand. Much like herself he sounded foreign somehow; somewhere Irish if she had to guess. 

"You are looking for one of your... Patients?" He asked with a smile and she nodded, hoping that she didn't look quite as miserable as she felt. 

"Yes," Scully said, trying to keep her voice steady. She didn't want to sound whiny and worried. She still had no clue what condition Stella was in. 

"How much do you know?" He asked and motioned for her to follow him. 

"Nothing," Scully said. "We were..." She started but stopped herself, trying to gather her thoughts. "All I know is that she was attacked and taken to the hospital."

"I examined her when she was brought in," he said, trying to calm her somehow. He noticed that she was uneasy and nervous and he had a feeling that she was not just looking for one of her patients. 

"She was responsive, wanted to go home telling me that it wasn't that bad," he said with a smile. 

"That sounds just like her," Scully said and bit her lip, feeling a little calmer all of a sudden. 

His presence was soothing somehow, reassuring even. He filled her in on the details, although he didn't know how she was attacked, he could at least tell her about the condition Stella was in. Scully tried to construct a mental image of what to expect. She read Stella's file, holding onto it. She also made a mental note of her birthday.

The 8th of August, Scully thought with a smile. 

"I was just going to check on her one last time before I leave for the day," he said. She followed him out of the elevator; it was much calmer up here, less busy. "She should be asleep with the pain medication she got earlier," he said and Scully nodded, feeling slightly nervous when they approached her room. 

"Are you okay?" He asked and turned to her. His smile was genuine, he put a hand on her arm. "It's going to be fine," he said. "Seems like she's a strong, stubborn woman."

"Yes," Scully said and laughed. 

He opened the door to her room and Scully stepped in, felt like her breath was knocked out of her lungs the moment she saw Stella sleeping in that hospital bed. She dropped the bag and the coat on the chair to her right. She was frozen in her place, felt like everything moved at turtle speed around her. She had seen many horrible things, had been in a handful of awful situations but it felt like nothing had ever been able to prepare her for what she felt at this very moment. She looked at Stella, sleeping soundly in the dimly-lit room, dressed in a blue hospital gown. 

For a moment the room blurred in front of her eyes but she blinked away the tears, trying to remain focused. 

She felt her heart break into a million pieces when she saw the wounds and bruises on Stella's face. She wanted to hold her and make sure she was ok, she couldn't bear the thought that something or someone had hurt the woman she loved; she looked so vulnerable and tiny and it wasn't something she could handle at the very moment. She felt the pressure on her chest, felt like she couldn't breathe and she knew she needed to get out of here. She felt her hands tremble, tried to say something but words failed her. She looked around the room, trying to find something to do but she felt utterly helpless. 

She knew that Dr. Anderson was still somewhere behind her, waiting. He stepped closer.

"I... I'll just..." She said and hugged herself, her arms crossed in front of her chest. "I don't know..." He put a hand on her shoulder.

"She'll be okay," he said softly, knowing that it was a rather dumb thing to say but there was nothing else that came to his mind at the very moment. 

"I know," Scully said quietly and turned around, leaving the room without looking back. 

She needed to get away from here, needed space to clear her head and gather her thoughts. She found an empty corner at the end of the floor and sank on one of the chairs, feeling utterly exhausted all of a sudden. She got out of her coat, tossing it aside. She immediately felt cold, her clothes were clammy and sweaty but she didn't care. 

"Fuck," she whispered softly to herself and put her face in her hands. 

She bit her lip, trying to take a deep breath but she lost that battle; she pressed her own hand to her mouth, trying to stop the sobs while the tears streamed down her face. She hadn't expected it to hurt so much, to throw her off the tracks like that but she couldn't stop.  
She looked at the ceiling, tried to take a few slow, deep breaths to calm down. In the corner of her eyes she saw someone moving, approaching her. 

"I thought you were going home," Scully said, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand, laughing nervously. 

"You said you were looking for your patient," he said and dropped down on the chair next to her. She didn't miss the remark but decided to ignore it. She turned her head and looked at him; he seemed like a decent, nice man and she liked him. 

Scully nodded. 

"I feel a little calmer now, knowing that she won't be by herself when she wakes up," he said and she believed him. "You said you were a doctor?"

"Pediatrician," Scully said. 

"You work here in London?" He asked.

"Oxford," she said. "I teach at University here," she said. She knew what he was doing, taking her mind off for a while with mindless chatter and it calmed her somehow. 

"I'm impressed," he said. "You do sound like you're not British though."

"American," Scully said. "Ireland?"

She guessed and he nodded; she leaned her head back against the wall. 

"You gonna be okay?" He asked. 

"I hope so," she almost whispered, trying to breathe through the pain inside her chest. "Go home and have a wonderful night, you look like you earned it," she said with a smile. 

"It was wonderful meeting you, Dr. Scully," he said and held out his hand. 

"Pleasure is all mine, Dr. Anderson," she said and took his outstretched hand. She watched him leave in silence, giving herself a few more minutes to collect herself before she made her way back to Stella. 

She was still asleep when Scully stepped in. She pulled the chair closer to the bed, kicking off her shoes to pull her legs up and make herself a little more comfortable. She wanted to touch Stella, to hug her and hold her but she didn't want to wake her and she looked so fragile that it threatened to bring tears to her eyes once more. She put her hair in a bun and closed her eyes. How many days and nights had she spent sitting next to Mulder's bed, wishing that he would pull through somehow?  
She had been worried sick, praying for miracles after abductions, accidents and stupid stunts and she still remembered the day she had sworn herself never to do that again. 

It had cost so much strength and it had caused her to shed so many tears that she never wanted to feel like this again. The moment she had stood beside Mulder's grave she had vowed never to return. It had broken something inside of her that she had never been able to fix. Even when he had miraculously been returned to her it had never been the same again. She had put an end to this when she had decided to part ways only to be running back whenever she had the chance to.  
She looked at Stella, thinking that she was done with running. She reached for her bag, looking for her phone before she changed her mind. She called Mulder, waiting for him to pick up his phone while she stepped outside. It took him about three seconds to do so.

"Mulder, it's me," she said and a smile crossed her face. 

Of course he knew that it was her but it was something they had said to each other again and again. 

"Scully," he said and she looked up at the ceiling, tears brimming in her eyes. 

"I... I can't come home tonight," she said.

"Why?" He asked. "What happened?"

"I'm in the hospital in London," she said.

„Scully, are you okay?" He asked, sounding more alert all of a sudden.

"Yes, yes," she said and pinched the bridge of her nose with two fingers. "I'm fine. It's just... Stella was… she had an accident,“ Scully said. „There is no one else here and I can’t leave her alone,“ she explained before he had a chance to ask more questions or doubt her decisions. 

„Okay,“ he simply said and she couldn’t tell whether he was disappointed or just tired. She held her phone to her ear, wondering what to say but there was nothing but silence. 

„Scully, are you okay?“ he repeated his question. 

„Yes,“ she said quietly, taking a deep breath to keep her voice from breaking; she knew that nothing was okay. „I just… I can’t leave her alone,“ she said. „She shouldn’t be alone when she wakes up.“

„I understand,“ he said. He had already thought about it, accepted that Stella meant a lot to her and he was glad that she had finally found a real friend. 

„It wasn’t meant to happen,“ she whispered, not quite sure if she was referring to the accident or the fact that she had fallen in love with someone else. „It was an accident,“ she repeated quietly. 

„Try to get some sleep, Scully,“ he said softly. „Take care, will you?“

„Yes,“ she promised and closed her eyes. „I’ll see you tomorrow,“ she said. 

„Good night Scully,“ he said and she wondered what time it was. 

„Mulder?“ she said before he hung up. 

„Yes?“

She hesitated for a few seconds, wondering what to do. It would be so easy to say it now. To tell him that she loved Stella and that she wanted to be with her but all of a sudden she was scared and he didn’t deserve to find out like this; she needed to talk to him face to face. 

„Good night,“ she whispered and ended the call. 

She returned to Stella, dropping into the chair once more. Her feet were dangling off one side, watching Stella quietly. Her eyes were glassy and slightly red, her cheeks glistening with semi-dried tears. 

Stella was still asleep; her makeup had been removed and there was nothing but the awful bruises and dark cuts on her eyebrow, her lip and her forehead. Her freckles were visible when she wasn’t wearing any make up and Scully had always loved that. Her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. She moved a little closer, reaching for her hand. It was soft and warm, for some reason she had expected it be cold.  
She didn’t want to wake her up but she needed to reassure herself that Stella was still with her. She held her hand within her own, putting her head down on the bed. She placed a soft kiss to her hand, tears running down her face. 

She had wanted to remain so strong and composed only to find herself failing miserably. She couldn’t deal with seeing Stella hurt like this and just the thought that something worse could have happened; she knew that no one could ever protect her from that. They had both been afraid of commitment for so long, afraid they would get hurt but nobody could protect them from the pain for solitude would also break them with its yearning. She had experienced that before and she never wanted to return to that place.  
She had to love and she had to feel even if that meant that she’d be crying by her bedside at this very moment, wishing she could just take Stella’s place to take the pain away from her. 

For a brief moment tonight she had been ready to throw it out there, to tell Mulder the truth. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, it almost felt like giving herself away but she knew that holding on to something that wasn’t real any longer would be even worse.  
She knew that it would be a painful goodbye and if she ever looked back at this moment she would remember the grief. She would know that she had been mourning and that her heart had been broken, but her life had been changing. 

She felt the hot tears spill from her eyes, run down her cheeks onto the soft fabric and Stella’s hands; she held on to it dearly, not daring to move at all. Scully closed her eyes, trying to calm down a little. She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting here like this, maybe she had even drifted off to sleep at some point, but she opened her eyes the moment she felt Stella’s hand move within her own. 

„Hey,“ Stella whispered, her voice sounding raspy. Scully looked up, not bothering to wipe away the last tears. 

„Hey,“ she replied softly with a smile. 

„Sorry… I’m… I’m running a little late,“ Stella whispered with a smile. Scully held her hand within her own, placing a gentle kiss on her fingers. The expression on Stella’s face changed quickly; Scully knew that she must have bruises on her stomach as well. 

„It’s okay,“ she reassured her calmly. „Don’t worry about it,“ Scully said, her eyes glistening with unshed tears at the sight in front of her. 

„Tell me what you need,“ Scully said, feeling helpless once more. She tried to resist the urge to get up and fuzz about, trying to find something to do. She had read Stella’s file, the drip in her right hand was running just fine and deep inside she knew there was nothing she could do. 

Stella looked at the ceiling, feeling empty and hollow inside. She felt numb from the pain killers running through her veins, deeply hurt by the attack that had taken her by surprise; she had been defeated and the sadness of it left a dark shadow in her heart. She thought that she should have been more cautious, that she should have seen it coming; she should have protected herself.  
It had somehow broken her confidence, left her more withdrawn and even more capable of suppressing her feelings. Her own sensitivity was slowly hardening, drawing relief from the numbness that was creeping through her veins. She could torment herself with what-if’s or she could ask for the only thing that she would really make her feel better right now. 

Slowly, she turned her head. She looked at Dana, still holding her hand between her own with her soft lips pressed to her fingers. She moved them, gently touching Dana’s cheek. 

Stella tried to sit up a little, wincing at the pain that shot through her body. 

„Come here,“ she whispered and Scully rose from her chair. Gently she lowered herself next to Stella on the bed; she was cautious, not wanting to hurt Stella.  
Scully snuggled up to her, never letting go off Stella’s hand, her face resting in the crook of her neck. Scully closed her eyes, trying to remain calm. She reminded herself that Stella was within her arms, alive and breathing. 

„You scared me,“ Scully whispered against her neck, her voice filled with emotions. 

„Shhh,“ Stella said turning her head towards Dana. 

Her other hand was resting on Dana’s neck, her thumb slowly caressing the soft skin. She couldn’t go there now, she wouldn’t be strong enough to do so. She just wanted to lay here in Dana’s arms and fall asleep when the exhaustion washed over her once more. She felt safe and comforted and it was everything she needed. 

Dana’s lips brushed her skin, her warm breath slowly evening out. Her sleep was restless and her position slightly uncomfortable but she didn’t want to move, didn’t want to make Stella uncomfortable and she didn’t want to leave either. She looked up, noticing that someone had switched off the lights and threw a blanket over her sleeping form. 

Stella was still sleeping beside her and Dana prayed that the medication would cause her sleep to be deep and dreamless. The repercussions of that attack would haunt her soon enough and now all Dana wanted was for Stella to heal. The physical wounds would be gone soon but everything else would probably linger a little longer and Dana knew that she would stay, come what may.  
She wouldn’t run, trying not to push Stella away when things became too overwhelming. It sometimes still felt hard to accept that someone could love her when she didn’t even love herself enough most of the time. 

She put her head down, trying not to let these awful thoughts torment her. She closed her eyes, feeling like she had just done so when morning came. She felt sore and exhausted, slowly moving from the bed. She waited for Stella to wake up, trying to fix her somewhat messed up appearance. She stepped outside giving Stella some privacy; Scully sat down and leaned back. She covered her face with her hands, yawning. She was absolutely famished, craving a shower and a coffee.  
She took a small mirror from her bag, making sure she didn’t look quite a miserable as she felt and sighed. 

„Please tell me you got some sleep last night,“ Dr. Anderson asked, looking slightly more rested than she did. 

Scully looked up and smiled, her head leaned back against the wall. 

„I did,“ she said, trying to stifle another yawn at the same time. „Just not at home.“

He sighed, a smile on his lips. Once more he sat down next to Scully and she had to admit that he looked quite handsome.

„Well, I guess you don’t need me to lecture on how this is not good for you and how you should be getting a good night’s sleep,“ he said. „You do look like you’ve had a rough time.“

„That bad?“ Scully asked with closed eyes. 

„Well ‚bad‘ isn’t the word I’d use,“ he said with a smile and Scully turned her head to face him, wondering whether he was trying to flirt with her. 

„In my defense I have been battling a damn cold recently.“

„See,“ he said. „Another reason why you should be getting a decent amount of sleep,“ he said and it didn’t sound like he was actually lecturing her in the doctor-patient kind of manner. 

„I’ll keep that in mind, doctor,“ she said. 

„You also look like you could use a nice cup of coffee,“ he said and Scully nodded, pursuing her lips. 

„You know,“ Dr. Anderson said and took a deep breath. „There was a brief moment where I thought I’d just ask you out for coffee but, you know…“ he said with a pretentious sigh that made Scully chuckle softly. 

She was certain that she was blushing a little. 

„Are you flirting with me?“ Scully asked and turned her head, facing the handsome doctor next to her. 

„Are you blushing, Dr. Scully?“

„Yes,“ Scully admitted and laugh and it felt wonderful, easing off some of the tension that had gathered within her. 

„You know, Stella is one lucky woman,“ he said and Dana looked at him for a few seconds. 

„Thank you,“ she said quietly. 

„I’ll check on her, sign you off and then you should be on your way very soon,“ he said. „I will give her some pain medication and I trust to keep an eye on it.“

„Of course I will,“ Scully said and they rose from their chairs. 

Scully waited outside, smiling at his words. As terrible as this situation was he had really done a great job of cheering her up. For a woman who spent most of her time feeling invisible it was a lovely thing to be seen by someone every once in a while. 

It didn’t take long for him to step out of the room, closing the door behind himself. He turned toward Scully, the faintest smile crossing her lips. 

„You’re good to go,“ he said and held out his hand. „It was lovely meeting you Dr. Scully.“

„Thank you,“ she said, holding on to his hand. „It was lovely meeting you, too,“ she said and he held on to her hand just a few seconds longer for the sake of it before he let go and walked off. Dana took a deep breath, stepping back into the room. 

Stella sat on the edge of the bed, her blouse next to her and Scully thought that she should have brought some fresh clothes. There were splatters of blood on the silk blouse and she saw Stella’s hesitation when she was about to put it on. Scully remembered that she had a cardigan in her bag. 

Handing it to Stella she stepped in front of her, trying to ignore the bruises that adorned her pale skin. 

„Put this one on,“ she said softly, handing it to Stella. 

„Thank you, that feels much better,“ she said. Scully stood in front of her, trying to figure out what Stella needed. Dana placed a soft kiss on Stella’s forehead. 

„Let’s go home,“ Stella said softly and moved from the bed. 

They took a taxi to Stella’s place; the ride was quiet. Stella was sitting next to her but at the same time she seemed so far away. Dana reached for her hand, holding onto it when she felt Stella’s fingers curled around hers. 

She knew that it would take a little while until things calmed down; until Stella would be able to come to terms with the awful thing that had happened to her Dana knew that she would not leave her side for a single second. It took time for the broken pieces to heal and make her feel whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny for your thoughts?  
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](janeisles.tumblr.com)
> 
>  


	14. Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/tumblr_orkqi0JUs41vgclt1o1_540.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/tumblr_orkqi0JUs41vgclt1o1_540.jpg)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I know it's been a while. It's been crazy busy but now I'm back! Thank you for all your kind words, for sticking with me and for being so patient. I hope you will continue to enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. I really appreciate it._
> 
>  
> 
> The beautiful header was made by [the-pink-posse](http://the-pink-posse.tumblr.com/)

_Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?_  
_Thou art more lovely and more temperate._  
_Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,_  
_And summer’s lease hath all too short a date._  
_Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,_  
_And often is his gold complexion dimmed;_  
_And every fair from fair sometime declines,_  
_By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;_  
_But thy eternal summer shall not fade,_  
_Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,_  
_Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,_  
_When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st._  
_So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,_  
_So long lives this, and this gives life to thee._

_[William Shakespeare -  
Sonnet 18 - „Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Day]_

_***_

Dana looked out of the window while the taxi driver guided them through the busy streets of London. The silence seemed oppressing but she didn't know what to do or what to say. Stella had not said a single word since they had left the hospital and Scully kept telling herself that it was just the pain medication slowing her down, making every movement excruciatingly exhausting. The ride back to Stella's place was long, longer than she remembered it to be. Scully wondered how she had walked the whole way, when she recalled that she had taken the tube at some point.  
She had already forgotten about such meaningless details; so much had happened within the last couple of hours that it seemed ages away already.

She tore her gaze away from the window, away from all the strangers on the street, away from the grey and cloudy sky and felt a spark of anger within her. A simmering feeling that slowly turned into full blown rage against the person who had done this to Stella. Carefully she turned her head as if she was afraid to make any noise. Stella's head leaned against the window, her eyes closed. A couple of minutes later the taxi pulled up in Stella’s street and they got out of the car. She followed Stella into the flat, wondering what to do. She felt stupid; having dealt with these situations before she felt like she should know what to do. It shouldn't be such a big deal but then again it had never really affected a person that she cared for so deeply. 

Stella stood in the middle of the living room, looking lost and shattered. 

"Talk to me," Scully almost begged her; the silence was too much to bear. 

"I... I'm sorry," Stella said calmly. "I don't know...." 

She took a deep breath, almost wincing at the sharp pain inside her tummy. She didn't know what she wanted or needed, feeling numb and empty. She felt stupid for even allowing it to throw her off the tracks like that. 

Scully stood in front of her, slowly approaching. 

"Don't be," Scully said softly, holding out her hand. 

Stella took it without looking at Dana; she was reluctant, trying to figure out what to do. She felt lost and needed something to hold on to but she also knew that, the moment she allowed that to happen, she would break and she wasn't ready for that either.

„I think I’ll… I’ll just lay down for a bit,“ Stella said and Scully nodded, giving her some space. She left Stella to herself, making tea in the kitchen. At this point she wasn’t aware that this would now be their routine for the next couple of days and that nothing would change.

***

Scully woke by the sound of a door being slammed shut. She was slightly startled and it took her a couple of couple of seconds to shake the sleep from her body. She leaned on one hand, finding the bed next to her empty. She got up, stumbling out of bed when she heard the faint sound of retching coming from the bathroom and she relaxed just a little when she realized that it had been Stella and not someone else.

She sighed and softly knocked on the door, opening it to find Stella curled up by the toilet, hugging the rim as her body was tensing with the effort. Scully heard the toilet flush and stepped inside. 

„Stella,“ she said softly, but she didn’t even look up. 

Stella put her head on her hand, eyes closed. Scully carefully approached her and brushed a strand of hair from her forehead, that was damp with sweat. It only took her a few seconds to be sick again and Scully held her hair, wondering when she had eaten the last time because it sounded terribly painful. 

She had dealt with an endless number of sick patients during the course of her career but one thing she never got used to was caring for a sick person she cared for deeply. She felt nervous, trying to figure out what to do and not just fuzz around. She reminded herself to remain calm and quiet; she looked at Stella and it made her heart ache. She was pale, her cheeks were flushed and her skin was covered in cold sweat. She was shivering, looking terribly exhausted. 

Scully knew that Stella didn’t have a lot of food and it was probably the lack of it and the amount of pain medication that had caused her to be sick. Stella groaned quietly. Scully stepped away, soaking a washcloth with cold water and Stella didn’t even protest when she touched her damp forehead with it, sighing softly. Scully put the cloth in her neck and helped her to her feet. 

Stella stepped over to the sink on shaky legs. She put her hair in a bun and splashed her face with water.

„How long has this been going on?“ Scully asked. 

Stella shook her head. 

„Not long,“ she said, sounding hoarse. „I just woke up a couple minutes ago, feeling… feeling very sick,“ she said and put both hands on the sink, trying to take slow deep breaths. 

She inhaled slowly until the queasy feeling passed; Scully left the bathroom to grab the fluffy blanket from the couch because she had a feeling they would be spending a bit of time in there. She returned to find Stella kneeling in front of the toilet while a fresh wave of nausea washed over her. Scully held her hair back with one hand, while holding her shaking body with the other. 

Scully tried to soothe her, reaching for the washcloth to dab her clammy face. A couple of minutes later they sat on the cold floor; although Stella was shivering the cold of the tiles was quite a pleasant feeling. She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on not being sick again. There was nothing left inside of her and it felt like every muscle in her body was aching; her jaw hurt from where she had been hit and the bruises on her stomach were throbbing as a cruel reminder of what had been done to her. 

She leaned back, felt the soft fabric of the blanket around her shoulders and tried not to cry. She felt empty and exhausted and the whole situation just seemed too much at the moment and although she had isolated herself since they had returned from the hospital she knew that she wasn’t alone and she couldn’t be more grateful for that. She didn’t even want to think about what she might have done, hadn’t it been for Dana. If there had been no one around to keep an eye on her, to try be there for her although she pushed that person away, she would have succumbed to the terrible demons and she didn’t even want to think about the awful consequences. 

She shivered, drifting in and out of sleep. The position she found herself in wasn’t the most comfortable one but she didn’t trust herself to leave the bathroom just yet. She felt weak and queasy and she didn’t want to move. The next time she opened her eyes, her head was resting in Dana’s lap. Her hand absentmindedly playing with her hair and it felt strangely soothing. 

„You feel a little bit better?“ Scully asked softly, blinking against the bright light. She must have dozed off at some point; she didn’t even know what time it was and it felt like they had spent all night in here. 

Stella nodded; she wasn’t sure but maybe a little bit of sleep in a warm and comfortable bed would be better than a cold bathroom floor. Slowly they rose and Scully reached out to steady Stella; it was almost 4am when they returned to bed. Stella turned away from her, curled up on her side of the bed. She had expected to drift off to sleep as soon as the nausea eased off but instead she found herself shivering from a cold that came from somewhere deep within. 

„Tell me what you need,“ Scully whispered softly in the darkness. 

„Just… I’m so cold,“ Stella said and Scully lifted the blanket to cuddle up to Stella, spooning her.  
She wrapped her arm around Stella; felt her shivering body relax a little in the embrace. She gently kissed her on the cheek and closed her eyes. It didn’t take long for Stella to fall asleep in her arms and Scully hoped that she wouldn’t be sick anymore, giving her the chance to sleep through the night without being disturbed. 

Scully listened to Stella’s deep and even breaths, the guilt keeping her awake. She was supposed to watch Stella, to make sure she would get better but she had done the opposite. She had allowed her to sleep the day away without eating anything while she took the pain medication that she had been prescribed in the hospital. She should have known that, should have paid attention and she hated herself for not having been more cautious. She leaned her head against Stella’s shoulder and closed her eyes. She needed to watch her use of medication and make sure she ate something in the morning.

***

The next three days passed in a haze of oblivion and silence. Scully tried to pull herself together, tried to take care of Stella but she seemed to be somewhere else; far away where Scully couldn’t reach her. After their brief encounter in the bathroom Stella had turned away from her, trying to deal with the pain quietly. She would sleep the day away, reassuring her that everything will be ok if only she slept a little longer, but nothing ever happened. Scully watched her, trying to reach out but nothing seemed to get through to her; she found herself unable to look at Stella at some point.

She always thought that the pain was the worst thing but that would fade eventually. What hurt even more was the helplessness that she felt at this point. All her efforts seemed to fall flat and nothing seemed to make Stella better and, whenever she allowed herself to get lost in the tormenting feeling, she wondered whether going on would be worth it. She was tired and ready to give up but a part of her knew that she would never give up on Stella.

All the shame, anger and guilt seized her because she had let it, leaving her unable to fend it off. Her heart was tired and her body exhausted but she needed to remind herself why she had to keep going. 

Dana sat down on the couch, trying to take a deep breath. It was eerily silent, quite oppressing so. She had already expected it although a tiny part inside of her had hoped that it would be different. She had promised Stella to be back in a few minutes, told her that she would walk down to the bakery to get some coffee and fresh bread but the truth was that she needed to get away from it all; she needed to get away from Stella and out of the house.  
She had opened her eyes this morning feeling strangely drained with no energy left. She couldn’t breathe, she could hardly move at all. She had got out of bed quietly and got dressed in a haze of pure exhaustion and sorrow; a dark and never-ending emptiness that was consuming her from within. She wanted to stay and tell Stella that everything would be okay in a couple of days and that she would be with her whenever she needed it because it was the truth and Scully knew that she wouldn’t run, she just couldn’t bear it at the moment. She needed a few moments to gather her thoughts and take a deep breath.  
She had left the flat without looking back, slowly walking down the empty street. It seemed to take longer than it usually did, her feet barely leaving the pavement while she walked. Something was holding her back, slowing her down mercilessly. A part of her knew what it was that suddenly caused her so much pain. It was an old wound that had needed years of healing that was now breaking open little by little. 

She couldn’t bear seeing Stella like this because it broke her heart. She knew that things like these happened, that there would always be hard times but as of now she slowly found herself incapable of coping with these moments. She needed Stella to be okay; they needed each other but she just couldn’t tell her right now.  
She had tried to take care of her but somehow she felt that all her efforts went unnoticed and unheard. She had lost track of the many hours she had laid next to Stella, barely touching her because she couldn’t take it. She had laid next to her, enduring the horrible silence while Stella stared into nothing, lost in her own world. Scully knew that she was trying to protect herself from the pain without realizing that she was causing the worst of it herself. She would lay next to Stella, listen to the calm sound of her deep breathing but she seemed so far away and Scully had never felt lonelier, invisible even.  
She wanted to tell her that she loved her because there was really no other way to describe what she felt but it didn’t seem to be the right time. She wanted Stella to talk to her and tell her what scared her so much so that they could fight it together.

Scully wanted to tell her how helpless and frustrated she felt and how furious she was; at the person who had done this to her and at Stella and the whole world around her. She needed to be angry, to blame someone for the misery because it was all she seemed to have left. She had watched Mulder slip into a depression, that had eventually broken them apart after decades because they had never been able to address it and work on it together. It had torn them apart, leaving their relationship shattered beyond repair. She would always love him, she knew that, but the sad truth was that she would never go back because it was nothing more than a sad memory of what could have once been.  
She could not let that happen with Stella because she wouldn’t survive it a second time. She wouldn’t be strong enough for that which is why she needed her to be okay more than ever. 

Scully took a deep breath that caused a sharp pain inside her chest. There was so much pressure that inhaling was nearly impossible but she forced herself to focus and remain calm. She looked at her hands, trying to find the strength to get up but she couldn’t do it. What she didn’t tell Stella was how lonely she felt, how invisible it made her feel and that every part of her body was aching with the effort to get up in the morning. 

It didn’t happen often because she had once learned to control it and focus on the positive things but every now and then, when she was too weak and worn out, these thoughts would seize her and drag her down a dark path. It was the times when she doubted every decision she had ever made, when nothing seemed right and when it felt like her entire world was falling apart around her. These were the times when no piece of clothing seemed to be fitting, when nothing ever tasted the way it should and when she couldn’t understand that anyone would ever be able to love her. These were the times when she hated Mulder more than she loved him, when she missed her little baby with all her heart and when she quietly cried for her mum to be there to hug her. These were the times when she felt imprisoned inside her own body.  
She felt lost; she wouldn’t even tell Stella that she had called in sick at work about a week ago and that she had talked to her dear friend Elizabeth, a highly-appreciated colleague at the hospital. She had always been there for Scully, from the first days when she had started working in the hospital. She was a few years her senior, always reaching out and making sure that everything was going well. She had already noticed that something had changed in Dana’s life but she had not wanted to pry, giving her some space.  
Scully would never tell Stella that she had called her friend, telling her that she was incredibly exhausted and that she felt lost and didn’t know what to do. She had told her that she needed a break, some time to think and gather her thoughts. It was then that Elizabeth had asked her if everything was okay in this soft and deeply caring voice, just like her mother used to do, that Dana had crumbled and broken down. She had cried into the phone for a few minutes with no one to hug her and reassure her but her dear friend Elizabeth had listened because that was all she could do at this very moment. Scully didn’t tell her everything, just a few pieces here and there and they both knew there was a lot more to it but it had to wait. Elizabeth had told her to take a deep breath, talked her through it until she had been able to calm down a little. Scully had promised to tell her everything once she got back to Oxford because she trusted her and she needed someone else to confide in and she knew that couldn’t be Mulder. 

She sat in the quiet living room, knowing that Stella was still in the bedroom. She didn’t expect her to be anywhere else and she felt that invisible wound throbbing inside of her, almost making her feel nauseous. She thought of Mulder and how she had called him, trying to find yet another excuse to stay with Stella. He had asked about work and she told him that she had called in sick, she could tell that it didn’t make sense to him and that he was slightly irritated when she told him not to come to London. He knew about the accident but he didn’t seem to understand what repercussions it had and why it affected Scully so much but she had shut him out and there was not so much he could do at this very moment. She had reminded him of the many times she had waited by his bedside when he had been hospitalized, reminded him that she had waited for hours and that it wouldn’t have been quite so pleasant if he had woken up alone.

In the end she had sat on the couch for almost two hours; it was dark by the time she finally found the strength to get up. She fought against the pain and the emptiness, slowly rising from the couch. The coffee had long gone cold and been forgotten about. She wasn’t hungry any more although she hadn’t had any food all day but she didn’t care. She was tired and weak, feeling terribly lost. She couldn’t say what she wanted or needed any more. She had stared into nothing, her mind feeling empty and too loud at the same time; there were far too many voices yelling at her, begging her to be strong and asking for too many things she couldn’t do.  
She stood in the doorway of the bedroom and the image was just as sad as it had been predictable. Now that daylight was gone the only light came from the small lamp on Stella’s bedside table, casting a soft glow into the room and Scully was surprised that she had bothered to switch it on at all. Stella was lying on her side, staring out of the window. She had not changed her clothes and Scully was certain she had not left the bed at all today, again. She had lost track of time somehow, everything appeared to be moving just a little bit slower in here. 

Stella had not eaten in a while, had not changed her clothes or taken care of herself in any way. She had promised Scully she would do so, had reassured her and told her that she would do it while Scully was at work but it had never happened. In the end the attack had simply pulled the rug out from under her feet, leaving her broken and hurting. Scully understood that she was scared and felt vulnerable and that these were things she didn’t deal with very well because she didn’t know how to handle these feelings but she knew that she could no longer allow Stella to succumb to these demons and give in to the depression that kept her prisoner inside a very lonely and disconsolate cell. She had to get her out of it, could no longer allow her to give in to the consolation of isolation and drugs. She needed Stella as much as Stella needed her even though she couldn’t say it right now. 

Scully couldn’t take it any longer because the whole scene reminded her of dark times in her own past and she couldn’t let that take away another person she loved; this time she couldn’t wait until everything broke beyond repair. She felt the anger and the blind frustration boil within her, taking one last breath before she walked into the room. 

„Get up,“ she said strangely calm and walked around the bed. 

Stella blinked, looking surprised for a moment and Scully wasn’t even sure that she had noticed how long she had been gone. She opened her eyes, felt the fatigue clinging to her body like a dead weight that kept her in place. It felt like tons of bricks slowly crushing her. She couldn’t move, let alone lift a finger because everything hurt. It kept her from eating and even sleeping properly although that was how she had spent most of her days but she never felt rested. 

„I said:‚Get up!‘“ Scully said a little more intense and Stella blinked, slightly confused. 

Scully saw that she had lost a little bit of weight, that there were dark shadows under her eyes although she had been sleeping for days. 

„I will,“ Stella said calmly.  
„Now,“ Scully said, trying to remind herself to stay calm. 

She was angry, knowing that this feeling was fueled by fear and deep concern. She pulled the blanket away from Stella, tossing it aside. Stella immediately missed the warmth of it, slightly shivering at the cold. She was confused and a little afraid even, by the sudden change of atmosphere. She had never seen Dana angry and it scared her; she didn’t know what to do. She had hidden in her bedroom, in the safe and warm confines of her bed, pretending that nothing else could harm her. She had been ignoring the truth and the world out there and it was helping for the time being. It was a mixture of pain medication and ignorance that had kept her going through the day whenever she woke up. 

„Dana, don’t…“ Stella begged her quietly. „It will be okay,“ she said and it sounded ridiculous, even to her own ears. 

„It hasn’t been okay for days,“ Scully said and took Stella’s hand to pull her to her feet. Stella took her hand away from Scully’s, hugging herself; she couldn’t even look at Dana. 

„Don’t do this,“ Stella said quietly, close to tears all of a sudden.

„Don’t do what?“ Scully said, her voice rising. „Watch you sleep all day and waste away? No, Stella.“

„I just… need… I need a little bit more time,“ she said quietly and shook her head. 

„You need to stop this now,“ Scully said and reached for Stella’s hand, pulling her towards the bathroom. 

She knew that Stella briefly thought about fighting her but she had absolutely no strength left. She entered the bathroom with Stella behind her, turning on the shower.

„I said I will be fine,“ Stella said a little louder, sounding almost desperate.

Scully stepped in the shower, taking Stella with her and for a moment it was quiet. They were both stunned by the sudden feeling of hot water soaking their clothes, trying to breathe through the strange sensation. Scully felt a sob rocking her body, feeling guilty all of a sudden.

„Look at you!“ Scully almost yelled, carefully cupping Stella’s face with both hands. „Look at me, for god’s sake,“ she said, her voice breaking. 

She forced Stella to look at her and it felt like she finally did for the first time in almost a week. She looked at Stella; her eyes looking shiny, reflecting all the pain she carried inside of her. 

„Don’t do this to me, Stella,“ Scully said, her own pain and sorrow taking over her actions. „You can’t do this to me,“ she said a little quieter, almost begging Stella to come back to her.

„I need you to be okay because I really can’t deal with this again… I can’t… I’m not strong enough to do this again, Stella,“ she said and tried to blink the tears away while the warm water poured down on them. 

„I need you to be okay, please,“ she whispered softly and put her forehead against Stella’s. 

Stella closed her eyes, trying to breathe through the pain inside her chest. It suddenly felt like it had been an eternity that she had been this close to Dana, the first time since the attack that she actually looked at the woman in front of her. It felt like she finally woke from a nightmare, the fog slowly lifting around her to allow her to return to the present. 

A time where she was standing in the shower; fully dressed and terribly exhausted. She had allowed this to carry her away from where she needed to be, had allowed this vicious attack to scare her and breach her protective defenses so much that she forgot about the woman she loved and she had never even considered that she might be hurting too. She had not thought at all, had silenced the voices inside her head with pain medication until it became almost too much to bear. 

She tried to breathe and a sudden rush of fear ran through her body. It was the realization of what was going on at this very moment, the truth slowly sinking in and she was afraid that all of this wouldn’t last much longer and that she was losing Dana and she couldn’t let that happen. 

„I’m so sorry,“ Dana said softly and the tears, that ran down her cheeks, mixed with the hot stream of the shower. 

„I’m sorry I yelled at you,“ Scully said because she had never meant to be so harsh; never considering that she might scare Stella like this. 

„I’m sorry this happened to you, you have every right to be miserable and angry… I wish… I just wish I could take it all away from you,“ Scully said softly.

Stella bit her lip, felt her defenses slowly melting away. She knew that she could no longer hide in her room and pretend that nothing had happened, she couldn’t hide from Dana any longer. 

„It breaks my heart seeing you like this and I want you to get better,“ she said and her thumb softly caressed Stella’s cheek. „But I need you not to hide from me,“ she said. 

Stella felt the pain inside of her, slowly raising her arms to lay them around Dana. She had been afraid of that ever since the terrible attack; she had had pushed Dana away, thinking that the physical contact would weaken her but now she started to realize that maybe this was exactly what she needed. She stepped closer and laid her arms around her waist, slowly putting her cheek against Dana’s. A quiet sob rocked her body, turning into something she couldn’t fight off any longer. She felt all the pain, that she had pushed away, flood her body and it was painful but she knew she wasn’t alone. 

„Don’t give up on me,“ Stella whispered into her ear and then she said something that she had not said to anyone in decades:

„I need you, Dana,“ she said, leaning against her. „I need you.“ 

Scully carefully wrapped her arms around Stella, holding her tight while she quietly cried against her shoulder. 

„Let’s take this off,“ Scully said after a while and helped Stella out of her soaked clothes, tossing them aside. 

She tried not to look at the slowly fading bruises that adorned the pale skin of her stomach and face. 

„Will you be okay?“ she asked and Stella nodded wordlessly. 

Scully placed a soft kiss on her forehead before she stepped out of the shower, leaving the bathroom without looking back. She felt like she needed a moment to herself, a second to breathe and she didn’t even care that she was still dripping wet, wearing her soaked clothes that clung to her like a second skin. Slowly, she threaded to the small guest bathroom on the other side of the flat, leaving a wet trail behind. 

She stripped off all her wet clothes and looked in the mirror. She had a sudden flashback to the first night she had been here; she had been crying and her wet hair had been all over the place but a couple of months ago the reason for her sorrow had been a different one.  
Her mascara was smudged and her eyes were glassy and red; she was naked and shivering against the cold. Although it seemed like nothing had changed at all she knew that, deep inside of her, many things had changed and there was a reason why she had been so angry with Stella. She had been afraid to lose her because she loved Stella and it was the most wonderful thing that had happened to her recently. 

She dried her hair, put it in a bun and left the bathroom, found a pair of fluffy socks, fresh panties and an oversized sweater that felt cozy and warm. She opened the window in the bedroom, the cold January air flooding the room. She took a deep breath, feeling strangely calm somehow. She looked at the bed and started to take the sheets off to put fresh ones on while Stella was still in the bathroom. She found her favorites; white sheets, with tiny grey flower ornaments on it, that smelled fresh and clean. 

Later she took the cups of cold coffee from the table; she also grabbed the bag of chocolate croissants that she had bought. She knew that Stella still had to be careful with the food she ate but she used to like these so much. She got rid of the cold coffee and left the bag on the counter. It didn’t take long for the smell of fresh coffee to fill the kitchen and it was slightly comforting and soothing. A couple of minutes later she heard Stella entering the kitchen and took a deep breath before she turned around; still feeling a little embarrassed by her outbreak earlier.  
Stella walked in, quietly hugging Dana. She leaned against her, the warmth of her body utterly soothing. She took a few deep breaths, slowly inhaling the familiar scent. 

"Thank you," Stella whispered against the crook of Scully's neck where the skin was still warm and soft. 

„I missed you,“ Scully said, knowing that something had changed and maybe they were finally on the right path again. 

„I missed you too,“ Stella said, slowly relaxing in Dana’s arms. 

„Would you like some coffee?“ Scully asked. 

„Yes, please,“ Stella said. 

She still didn’t feel very hungry but she knew that she needed to have food in order to get better. The coffee actually smelled nice and maybe she should give it a try. She sat down by the counter and watched Dana move around her kitchen, serving her a cup of coffee. She smiled at the fact that Dana seemed pretty much at ease, knowing her way around and she thought that she could get used to it. 

She put the cup of coffee in front of Stella while she curiously inspected the bag.

"I didn't know whether you'd be hungry," Scully said and sat down on the other side of the counter, holding her cup with both hands. 

"I thought I wasn't," Stella said. "But I might change my mind about that." Scully softly smiled over the edge of her cup. She could tell that it took an awful lot of strength for Stella to do this, pulling herself together and trying to get back on the right track and Scully admired her for that. 

Stella sipped her coffee before she put her cup down, inhaling deeply. The warm liquid filled her otherwise empty stomach and it didn't feel quite so bad. 

"Dana," Stella said softly. "What did you mean when you said you couldn't do it again?“

Scully took a deep breath, felt the pressure on her chest return. She knew that it was bound to come up sooner or later, she just didn't know where to start. 

She looked into her cup of coffee, trying to avoid Stella's gaze for a moment. Stella watched her curiously, realizing that she wasn't the only one who had been hurt in this and it made her heart ache that she had allowed it to drag her down, neglecting Dana on the way. 

"It's just... I don't even know where to start," she admitted. "When I started working with Mulder he seemed so full of excitement. I admired how dedicated he was to his work and how invested he would be," she said with a sigh, remembering the early days that had marked a lifelong change. 

"Although I was mostly skeptical at first I allowed him to convince me and it was contagious somehow," Scully explained. "There was so much going on and at some point I realized the truth behind his determination."

"What was it?" Stella asked. 

"He was looking for his sister," Scully said, feeling a wave of sadness and sympathy wash over her. "She disappeared when they were younger and alone at home," Scully said quietly. 

"The whole time he was trying to find out what happened to her... At some point he even went so far as to believe she had been abducted by... Aliens," Scully said and couldn't believe that she had just said that out loud. She hesitated, waiting in case Stella would laugh at this but she didn't.

"It took him years. Years until we finally found closure or at least I thought that was what it had been," she said, returning to the past. She chose her words carefully, trying to avoid her own part in all of this. She wasn't ready to tell the whole story just yet. 

„I guess she’s dead?" Stella asked and Scully nodded. 

„Yes, but we never found out what really happened," she said and Stella slowly started to understand what she was getting at and what she had meant by saying that she couldn't do it again. 

"He just couldn't let go," Scully said with a trace of bitterness in her voice. "He couldn't accept the fact that she was dead, he just kept looking for... Something," she said and Stella slowly started paint her own picture of what it must have been like for Dana; always being in second place while he was chasing a ghost. 

"He never let go, getting involved in government conspiracies that eventually led to both of us running from the FBI," she said. "At first I didn't have to but I knew they'd never leave me alone, knowing that I would most certainly know where he was. We just had to wait until they dropped the charges against him."

"You gave everything up for him," Stella said without the slightest hint of an accusation. 

"I did," she said. "Until I couldn't take it anymore," she said and looked Stella straight in the eyes. "I worked crazy hours at a hospital and quit the FBI once and for all. I considered it a good distraction until I lost myself in it."

She still didn't have the heart to tell Stella about her child and how lonely she had been. She was trying very hard not to think about William because it would break her apart. 

"I was miserable and I hated all if it," Scully said. "I worked until I was exhausted because I couldn't bear to see Mulder at home."

She sipped her coffee, remembering these days as if it happened yesterday. 

"There wasn't much he could do, except for getting lost in just another theory of what might have happened. It was the depression and his unwillingness to seek help that finally broke us apart," she said quietly. 

"I tried and tried again but I barely had strength to pull through myself, I couldn't do it for both of us," she said and looked at Stella, silently begging for her to understand. 

Stella let her hand slide across the counter, reaching out for Dana's. 

"I left because I couldn't take it any more," she said and her voice was full of pain and rejection. "I wasn't enough. In the end I wasn't even enough worth fighting for," she said and it broke Stella's heart because no one ever deserved to be treated like that. She also understood what Dana had done for her: she had fought for Stella.  
Stella slid off her chair, walking around the counter to hold Dana in her arms. 

"Let's get out of the kitchen," Stella said and a few moments later they were snuggled up on the couch. 

"I didn't mean to push you away," Stella said and turned to face Dana. 

„I understand it,“ she said quietly, remembering how she had pushed Mulder away when everything was too overwhelming but she also remembered the pain that it had caused her. 

„You are enough,“ Stella said calmly, her thumb soft caressing her cheek. „I promise not to give up on you, Dana.“

Scully leaned in, placing the softest kiss on Stella’s lips, careful not to hurt her. 

„You need to talk to him,“ Stella said after a few minutes of silence and Scully closed her eyes. She knew that Stella was right and they both deserved it; he shouldn’t be lied to like that. 

„I know,“ Scully said with a sigh. 

She wasn’t sure what scared her so much because she knew that she wanted to be with Stella, she had made her decision but she didn’t know how to tell Mulder. He had been a constant in her life for such a long time, the one thing she had always relied on and the fact of letting that go, although it had also caused her an incredible amount of pain, scared her more than she liked to admit. 

Was she afraid of his reaction? Or was it simply the knowledge of him being alone when she left? What would there be left in his life if it wasn’t for her?

„You can’t stay with him just because you think it’s the right thing to do,“ Stella said as if she could read what was on her mind. They had addressed this topic every now and then but Scully had always managed to avoid the truth. 

„What do you get out of it if your heart isn’t in it?“ Stella asked. 

„It used to be,“ Scully said absentmindedly. „A long, long time ago…“

„You deserve more than this,“ Stella said softly. „You deserve so much more than this,“ she said and Scully felt the pressure on her chest return because she had heard these words before, many years ago. 

Scully turned on her side, facing Stella. 

„I feel like… this is where I need to be,“ she said, almost laughing at how emotional she seemed at this very moment. Maybe it was the exhaustion talking for both of them or maybe it was time not to deny the truth any longer. 

„I just wish I wasn’t so scared,“ she admitted. 

„You got away from it once,“ Stella said. „How did you end up going back? And coming to England?“ She had asked that question before, back when they were still getting to know each other but she felt like she had never got an honest answer. 

„He asked,“ Scully said. „He asked me to come with him and I agreed because that’s what I always did… and because I was lonely. I didn’t have anything else.“

„You are not alone now,“ Stella said, wondering if she’d be able to deal with all of this but in the end she’d never know if she didn’t try. She’d lie saying that she wasn’t scared but she felt like she needed to do this now. 

„When do you have to go back to work?“ Stella asked after a while and Scully shrugged. 

„Still on sick leave,“ she said, putting her head on Stella’s shoulder. „But I need to go back to Oxford tomorrow to take care of a few things.“

„Thank you for staying with me,“ Stella said, thinking that no one had ever done such a thing for her and that she had never allowed anyone to do so at the same time. 

Scully knew that she had to get away from Stella for a few hours to clear her head; to face Mulder and to talk to Elizabeth because not being able to share what was on her mind threatened to overwhelm her sooner or later and she needed to get it out. She felt like it was something that shouldn’t be discussed on the phone.  
„You wanna get out and get some fresh air?“ Stella asked because she felt like they both could use some time out of the house. 

„That sounds like a good plan,“ Scully said. 

About thirty minutes later they were dressed, bracing the cold while they walked through the fine mist that rained down on them but no one seemed to mind. 

„So,“ Stella said while they approached Gail’s Bakery. „Tell me about that Doctor, what was his name?“

It took her a few seconds to get what Stella was referring to and she tried not to smile, a soft blush creeping to her cheeks. 

„Dr. Anderson,“ she said and cleared her throat. „Said that you are a very lucky woman.“

„That much is true,“ she said and smiled at Dana. 

She knew that, with everything that had happened in her life not just recently, she was incredibly lucky to be standing here with Dana. There were times in her life when she had been certain she wouldn’t make it through, when she had been ready to give up and let go. To be standing here with Dana, in the rain, was something she had never considered possible in the slightest and it was everything she could have asked for. 

She turned to stand in front of Dana and kissed her on the lips, carefully so it wouldn’t hurt but the pleasant feeling outweighed and she allowed herself to get lost in the moment. It was the very first time she had kissed her in public during daytime and she didn’t give a shit about who might see them. For the second time that day she entered the bakery, it was late and they were about to close for the day so they grabbed a quick cup of coffee, slowly heading back to Stella’s.

They spent the rest of the night cuddling in comforting silence and for the first time in over a week Stella slept a little calmer. They said goodbye the next morning and Scully promised to call as soon as she was done and Stella reassured her that she would be ok. The thought of being alone in the flat unsettled her a little but she decided to pull herself together and visit Irene later that day, it had been a while since she had last seen her and there was a lot to talk about. 

She had texted Elizabeth on the way back to Oxford, asking if it was okay to come over before she returned to Mulder. She drove out all the way to Summertown on the other side of the city, quickly making her way to the front door before the rain soaked her entirely on the short walk. 

„Hey,“ Scully said softly when Elizabeth opened the door. 

She welcomed her with a pleasant smile that immediately warmed Scully’s heart. This wonderful woman had always had the ability to calm her and make her feel at home and Scully wondered why she hadn’t turned to her months ago when she had been so terribly lonely but a part of her had always felt that she was bothering her and she didn’t like that feeling. 

„Come in, darling,“ she said and ushered her in, quickly closing the door behind Dana. 

„Thank you,“ Scully said and took off her wet coat, handing it to Elizabeth. She looked at the older woman, trying to find something to say but actually she just wanted to hug her. 

„Come here,“ Liz said, pulling her in for a hug. „You do look like you had a bit of a rough time,“ she said with a sigh.

„That bad?“ 

„Come on, I’ll make you some tea,“ she said and led Scully to the living room. A couple of minutes later she was curled up on the couch with a cup of tea in her hands.

„What happened, Dana?“ she asked a little more serious but full of concern. „I know that something has been going on. I’m not an idiot, you know.“

Scully chuckled softly though it didn’t reach her eyes, wondering how much Mulder had noticed. Was he really that oblivious or didn’t he care at all?

„It happened a while ago, back in September,“ Scully said, her finger gliding along the edge of her cup. „I was… I wasn’t doing very well back then. I felt lonely and everything just felt like too much.“

„Why didn’t you talk to me?“ Elizabeth said and reached for Scully’s hand but she just shrugged. 

„I didn’t know what to say,“ she said and looked at her. „Do you remember that bad storm we had back then?“

„Yes, I think I do,“ she said. There hadn’t been anything quite so bad in a very long time.  
„I was running late at university. I didn’t want to go home but I waited too long and got caught right in the middle of that nasty storm,“ she said. „It was dark and late and it was cold. It was raining and I was run over by a cyclist.“

„Did you get hurt?“ she asked although she knew that it wouldn’t make much of a difference now. 

„Bruised knee and scraped hands,“ she said, lost in thoughts. „That’s when I met her for the first time,“ she said and all of a sudden the softest hint of a smile appeared on her lips.

„Her?“ 

„Stella,“ she said softly. „She was on her way home and I must have been in a pretty miserable condition and I was right on her doorstep. She asked me in, telling me I shouldn’t be out in the storm…“

„What happened?“ she wanted to know although it was obvious that she had fallen head over heels. 

„It was… it was strange,“ she said. „I was so emotional and confused and Stella was,“ she took a deep breath. „I don’t know what it was but I felt that something about her intrigued me. At the same time I was so scared and insecure, I didn’t know what was happening…“

„So?“

„She gave me dry clothes, made something to eat and we talked a little, she was a stranger after all,“ Scully recalled that night without mentioning their little encounter in the bathroom. 

„And then…“ Scully said and sighed, biting her lip while she avoided Elizabeth’s gaze. 

„She kissed me,“ Scully almost whispered, softly smiling at the memory. „I was surprised at first but… it felt wonderful and comforting and I enjoyed it.“

„But?“ she asked, feeling that this was not the end of the story. 

„I chickened out,“ she said apologetically. 

„Oh, you didn’t!“  
„I was confused so I left and I… I felt guilty,“ she said. „I left, knowing nothing but her first name and I spent the whole way back crying because I felt guilty and because I thought I would never see her again.“

„But you did,“ Elizabeth said with a smile. „Maybe it was meant to be, I still like to believe that everything happens for a reason.“

„You are a hopeless romantic,“ Scully said. 

„Is that such a bad thing?“

She spent the next thirty minutes telling her about everything that had happened and it didn’t work without Scully shedding a few more tears now that she was coming to the point that had caused her to break down over the phone not too long ago. 

„I don’t know what to do,“ Scully said and looked at the ceiling, wiping the corner of her eyes with her pinky.

„Oh, I believe you know that very well my dear,“ Elizabeth said with a smile. „You are just scared,“ she said and they both knew this was true. „And that’s ok, but you can’t keep doing this for much longer. It really isn’t fair to anyone involved and I think you know that.“

„I never meant for any of this to happen,“ she said tried to hold the tears back. 

„But it did and now you’ll have to deal with it, Dana,“ she said softly but determined. „No one else will do it for you. You’ll just have to pull yourself together and do the right thing.“

„What if I don’t know what that is?“ she asked and Elizabeth sighed softly; Dana looked exhausted and lost somehow. 

„Do you love her?“ she asked out of nowhere and Scully looked up. „You heard me, do you love her?“ 

Scully had thought about it before, had even quietly admitted it to herself but she had never said it out loud because that meant that there was no going back. 

„Yes,“ she whispered. „Yes, I do.“

„Then I think you know what to do,“ Elizabeth said. „I know it’s scary, everything new is, but it’ll get better.“

„I just wish,“ she said quietly, put the cup of tea aside and hugged her knees. „I just wish my mum was here,“ she whispered. „I miss her so much.“

„I’m sorry, sweetheart,“ she said and sat next to Scully, putting arm around her shoulder. 

„I think you need to give yourself a little break,“ Elizabeth said. „You look exhausted.“

Scully nodded, knowing that there was no reason to deny this and if there was one person to see right through it, it would be the wonderful woman next to her. 

„I really don’t feel like myself most of the time, it’s driving me crazy,“ she said, sounding a little frustrated. „I feel like… I’m all over the place most of the time and I don’t even know what I’m doing.“

„You just have a lot going on right now but you need to think of yourself, don’t get lost in this,“ Elizabeth said.  
„Wouldn’t be the first time,“ she said more to herself. 

„You need to talk to Mulder.“

„I know,“ Scully said and wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. „I know that.“

„Promise you will call me if you need anything,“ Elizabeth said a little later. She held Dana’s face in her hands, looking at her. „You are never bothering me,“ she said. „I don’t want you to feel lonely, okay?“

„Thank you,“ Scully said and bit her lip. 

She hugged Elizabeth and made her way back to the car, knowing that she could no longer avoid going home to Mulder. It felt good to talk to someone, to tell someone else about Stella but it also left her with an uneasy feeling. She knew she couldn’t keep it a secret for much longer. 

He was waiting for her when she came home and she could tell that he wasn’t happy. She had been gone for a week and she hadn’t called or texted him at all. She knew it hadn’t been fair but there was but there was nothing she could do about that now. 

„Look what the cat dragged in,“ he said calmly. 

„Mulder,“ she said with a sigh because she wasn’t in the mood to pick a fight. 

„You couldn’t even let me know that everything was okay after you told me not to come to London? You just disappear for a week without a word?“

„Well, it’s not the first time we’ve done this to each other,“ she said and took off her coat, regretting it the moment the words left her lips. „There was nothing you could have done.“

„I really don’t understand you sometimes, Scully,“ he said and she sat down on the couch, feeling defeated. „You just disappear for a week and expect me not to ask questions?“

„She’s my friend, Mulder,“ Scully said with a hint of an apology in her words. „I just… needed to be with her after the accident. Do you remember how many hours I have spent by your bedside whenever you had been hurt?“

„Yes, you’ve mentioned that,“ he said. 

Scully sighed, wondering where this was going. 

„Mulder, please,“ she said. „I’m here, now.“

„Alright,“ Mulder said and she couldn’t even blame him for being angry at her. „Welcome home, Scully,“ he said and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)


	15. Why are we thus divided having kissed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/Bildschirmfoto-2018-04-14-um-23.31.52.png)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/Bildschirmfoto-2018-04-14-um-23.31.52.png)   
> 
> 
> _A/N: I decided to post this chapter a little early as a surprise, because the previous one took so long. It ended up being longer than I had intended which is why Scully's birthday will be divided into two chapter!_
> 
>  
> 
> The beautiful header was, once again, made by [the-pink-posse](http://the-pink-posse.tumblr.com/) You are my hero, I love your art! 

_Why are we thus divided having kissed?_  
_Why are we yet two bodies and not one?_  
_Why have our separate spirits leave to run_  
_Two sundered paths of thought? what laws resist_  
_The perfect bond whereof we dimly wist?_  
_Love, incomplete, seems ever but begun,_  
_And yearns to consummation never won,_  
_His purpose always nearly gained,--and missed._  
_As mournful waves with desolate delight_  
_That moaning kiss the same sands night by night_  
_In changeless hunger, and are not appeased:_  
_So I, who famish at possession's goal,_  
_Must kiss and kiss, yet kisses ne'er console_  
_Love's over-burdened heart that is not eased_

_[I found this beautiful sonnet online but no author, if you know the author please let me know]_

***

Stella sat at her desk, going through the paperwork that had piled up while she was gone. She sighed, pinching the back of her nose with two fingers. There was the slightest hint of a headache throbbing in her temples and she tried to remain calm and breathe right through it.  
She had promised Dana that she would pull herself together, that she would try to go back to work and move on. It was exactly what she wanted and needed and she was still slightly startled by how it had thrown her off the tracks. She felt a little embarrassed at how she had let herself go so she tried to push through the uneasy feeling and keep working.  
She knew they were all watching her although they tried very hard not to. They weren't asking questions a little too loud and appeared a tad bit too friendly every now and then but she decided to accept it, she wouldn't pick on them. It wasn't her colleagues fault after all although there were still questions that needed to be answered; she still had a hearing to try to shed light on what had gone wrong.  
She wasn't looking forward to it but the sooner they got it over with the better. It had been almost three weeks and she was ready to move on after all, she didn't want to be forced to go back and forth.  
Stella knew that her colleagues were keeping an eye on her but what she didn't know was that someone else was watching her at this very moment. She was sitting in her office, separated from the usual buzz, through glass doors that allowed her to keep an eye on what was going on in the department.  
Mulder sat on the desk, waiting for his friend to finish working for the day, when he thought of something.  
Back in the day, he had gone to university with Andrew and they had recently collaborated on a case. They wanted to discuss it over lunch so he had agreed on picking him up only to find the woman, that Scully seemed so fond of, being in charge of this very department.  
It had been nothing but a coincidence. Mulder watched her, going through what appeared to be boring paperwork; the stuff that Scully had usually kept an eye on. She was lost in her work, barely noticing what was happening around her, something about it was intriguing.  
He had only met her once when he had picked Scully up from university but he had recognized her immediately; there was something peculiar about her and he knew he'd probably recognize her everywhere. At some point Stella looked up from her desk, lost in thoughts.  
Things hadn't been going well between him and Scully and he hadn't been able to put his finger on it. It drove him crazy, it was one of the things that kept him awake at night. These little riddles that seemed unable to be solved and this one appeared particularly hard to crack. Things had been changing when Scully had met Stella though he hadn't been able to figure out when exactly that had happened. She didn't talk much about Stella and he had noticed that she hadn't talked much about anything recently.  
He had been angry when she had come home after Stella's accident. She had disappeared for a week, asking him not to come to London and it had hurt his ego just a little that she didn't want him there. They had always relied on each other and he wasn't used to being pushed away by her. He had been angry because she didn't talk to him, didn't share what was on his mind. What angered him most was the fact that he still didn't know what the problem was. He had a suspicion but it wasn't something he could wrap his head around just yet.  
He wanted to know more about the woman that apparently meant so much to Scully; he needed to know what was causing them to drift away from each other. She was spending more nights away from home than she used to and while he had always wondered where she was during these nights, he had an idea. Sometimes she had told him that she was staying at Stella's but it felt like she was getting a little too comfortable with that.  
Scully didn't want to talk about it, she had always avoided the subject when it came to Stella, or why she had been so upset and something told him that there was more to it than met the eye.  
Why would she make such a big deal out of it, if it wasn't?

Her birthday was coming up and, while she had never been too fond of having birthday parties or too much unwanted attention, she had agreed to have a little dinner party with a few friends. They never really had time for that with their crazy working hours at the FBI, and certainly not while they were on the run from said institution, and now just seemed like the right time to catch up on all the things they had missed out on.  
Something told him that Scully wouldn't invite Stella and maybe that would be his surprise for her. It was just a tad bit selfish because he'd love to know how they interacted with each other. He had never really seen Scully with friends, especially not girlfriends, but something about the relationship, Scully seemed to have with Stella, had aroused his interest.

He slid off the table, looked around and walked straight to the glass door that led to Stella's office. Stella looked up when she heard a soft tap on the door.

"Hey," he said. "Can I come in for a second?" He asked and she looked confused for a moment.

"Fox Mulder," he said and approached her desk. "I guess we only met once," he said with a smile.

"Yes," Stella said and put her pen down. "Yes, I do.“

 _Fucking Fox Mulder_ , she thought.

She shook his outstretched hand, noticing that he had incredibly soft hands and wondered how the hell he had ended up in her office. For a brief moment her heart nervously beat a little faster but she kept her composure and played it cool; as far as she was concerned Dana had not told him the truth about their relationship. She had a feeling that his smile wouldn't be quite so friendly if he knew the truth.

She looked at him and hated the fact that he was indeed very handsome and she could see why Scully had fallen for him at some point in her life. She reminded herself of the fact that this was also the man who had neglected Scully for years and years; who had never had the guts to ask Scully to marry him and whose love for him hadn't simply been enough.  
"What brings you to my department, Mulder?" She asked and leaned back in her chair, legs crossed. 

She didn't need to prove anything to him but she felt the need to reminded him of who was in charge here.

"I'm meeting an old friend to discuss a case," he said. "That's when I saw you and I had an idea.“

"What would that be?" She asked, not letting on anything. 

She remained professional and courteous the whole time and he knew that he wouldn't get anything out of her now. It was certain that she was a woman who kept business and private apart, intent on minding her own business.

„Actually, I just wanted to invite you," he said with a charming smile and Stella was beginning to understand where he was going with this. "It's Scully's birthday next week and we're having a little dinner party," he explained. "I'm sure she'd like you to join.“

"That sounds lovely," Stella said. 

The truth was that Dana had not mentioned the dinner party at all and she wondered why. She felt a little uneasy at the thought of being in the same room with him, and Dana but then again she had already fucked her while he was literally right next to them, and she had not minded at all. What bothered her even more was the fact that Dana had not considered inviting her but that was none of his business.

"Thank you, I will be there," she said.

"Wonderful," Mulder said and Stella rose to shake his hand, making it clear that the conversation was over for now.

"I'll see you next week," Stella said and he nodded before leaving the office.

She waited until he was out of sight before she let herself fall into her chair. There was something about the whole situation that bothered her but she couldn't put her finger on it. On the one hand she didn't want to be at the party, she had never been very sociable especially when it concerned strangers, but at the same time she was annoyed that she had been left out of something. She reached for her phone, wondering what it was that she actually wanted. She couldn't tell but she texted Dana anyway:

_"Call me when you can. I need to talk to you. S. x“_

She put her phone aside and looked up; he had left already and she directed her attention to the remainder of her paperwork.

***

"Care to tell me what kind of business you have with DSI Gibson?" Andrew asked, sipping his beer while they waited for their food.

"DSI?" Mulder asked and leaned back with a smile; Andrew nodded.

„So?"

"She's a friend of Scully," he said.

For a brief moment he had considered calling her 'wife' just purely out of habit but he stopped himself because he had never actually asked her to marry him. 

So what to call her?

Using the word 'girlfriend' still sounded weird to his ears and, especially during the last three weeks when things had been somewhat tense between them.

"I invited her for Scully’s birthday next week," Mulder said and didn't miss the brief hint of surprise that crossed his opponents face.

"I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person Stella Gibson is," Mulder said a little lost in thoughts. He didn't want to push it because he didn't want to pry and hurt Scully's feelings.

"Good luck with that," Andrew said and put his bottle down.

"What can you tell me about her?" Mulder asked and leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table.  
"Well, well, well... " Andrew said with a sigh. "How to start with Stella Gibson? She's a very private person," he said and Mulder had already suspected that. 

"She has always been very protective of her private life. She's a hard-working and independent woman, she knows how to get shit done and she can be quite intimidating," he said. "She doesn't take shit from anyone.“

Mulder chuckled because it worked well with the impression that he had of Stella; what he didn't know was that there was so much more behind that facade.

„She also has quite the reputation," Andrew said with a smile.

"How so?" Mulder asked.

"They used to called her 'Ice Queen'," he said. "She's had quite the reputation when it comes to men, at least that's what they say.“

"She seems to be the kind of person who doesn't take prisoners," Mulder said and tried to figure out how all of this worked for Scully. 

How much did she know about the woman?

"Sounds like her," Andrew said. "I guess she takes what she wants. Don't tell her I said that I'm not ready for her to bite my head off," he said. 

He knew that Stella wasn't a bad person but she also wasn't the kind of person to pick a fight with; he didn't want her to think that he had had the audacity to pry into her private life when she had been so adamant to keep it all to herself.

Mulder thought of Scully, wondering if his suspicion was true. For a brief moment he had thought that there was more than just friendship between them but he knew that there was no way he could ask Scully. A part of him didn't want to know the truth while the other part was curious. He was thinking about his Scully after all, his catholic-raised companion, would she really get involved with a woman? He knew that Scully was a woman of many mysteries; she had surprised him time and time again over the last decades and somehow he wouldn't doubt a single thing.

"Do you know what happened to her?" Mulder asked. 

He wouldn't share any of his thoughts with Andrew so he decided to address a different topic. Was it because he doubted the story that Scully had told him over the phone when she stayed in London for a week?

"That was bad," Andrew said and paused for a moment when the waiter finally brought their food.

"I know there was an accident," Mulder said and started to pick fries off the plate. "I didn't want to ask Scully about it…"

"It was more of an attack than an accident," Andrew explained. "I've seen the security video, it was nasty. They were in an interrogation room. Everything seemed to go very well, it was quiet and the interrogation was almost over. DSI Gibson finished the interview, she is always so quiet and composed, almost admirably so," he said. "Then things went wrong somehow.“

"She got up and they were about to leave, then he just snapped. Everything went pretty fast and took them all by surprise," Andrew said. "He punched her right in the face, giving her no chance to protect herself, she didn't see it coming.“

"Jeez," Mulder said. "What an asshole.“

He didn't know Stella and the entire situation but one thing that was an absolute no-go was hitting a woman, attacking her out of nowhere.

"They tried to seize him but he was very aggressive, very strong," he said. "He even kicked her when she was on the ground already.“

"Shit," Mulder said, thinking that he understood Scully's reaction a little better.

She cared deeply for people that meant a lot to her and maybe he'd have to apologize for being angry. He couldn't tell her about this conversation, not yet because he didn't want her to get a wrong impression but maybe it was time to apologize.

"Yeah," Andrew said. "It was scary. She always used to be so strong but I guess she's just as human as all of us. Took her more than a week to get back to work after that," he said and Mulder thought that Scully had been honest with him after all.

They spent the rest of their lunchtime discussing the case but in the back of his mind he couldn't stop thinking about the mysterious woman that was Stella Gibson.

***

She was lost in a rather boring report when the soft hum of her phone interrupted her.

 _"Everything ok?_ Dana's text said and she quickly typed her reply.

_Yes. Just have a question, can you talk? ___

___I could come over for lunch in about 15 minutes._ _ _

__Stella sighed, wondering whether that was a good idea. She leaned forward and saw that Detective Johnson's desk was still empty, knowing that he must be around with Mulder somewhere. Technically there wasn't anything wrong with the two of them going out for lunch, he had, after all, just invited her for Dana's birthday party but something about the whole thing made her feel weird.  
She didn't really like where this was going because that small voice inside her head warned her that they were heading for a disaster._ _

___Can't, sorry. Just call me when you have time?_ She texted and leaned her face on her hands, waiting for the sound of her phone, announcing another incoming message._ _

___Ok_ it said and Stella felt a little guilty for turning her down. _ _

__It took about 15 endless minutes before her phone hummed softly, the display lighting up with Dana's incoming call. Stella picked it up, feeling a little nervous._ _

__"Hey," Stella said, wondering where to begin, she didn't want it to be awkward._ _

__"What's the matter?" Scully asked. "Is everything ok?" She asked and Stella didn't miss the hint of worry in her voice._ _

__"Yes, yes," Stella said and leaned back in the chair. "Everything's fine. Are you on break?“_ _

__"Yes, I'm in the office," she said and wondered what it was that Stella wanted._ _

__"Did you just want to hear my voice or did you text to actually ask me something important?" Scully asked and although she didn't say anything, she could hear the smile that crossed Stella's lips. Scully took her glasses off and waited._ _

__"Both?" Stella said apologetically._ _

__"Stella, what's the matter?“_ _

__"I was thinking about your birthday next week," Stella said and waited._ _

__"Shit," Scully whispered. It wasn't like she had been hiding something from Stella, she had just forgotten about it. "I forgot about that.“_ _

__"About your dinner party?" Stella asked._ _

__She didn't mean to be angry, she just felt a tiny bit hurt._ _

__"How... How do you know about that?“_ _

__"Why didn't you say something?" Stella asked, ignoring the question for now._ _

__"It just... It didn't occur to me," she said and leaned her head on her hands. "I just forgot about it.“_ _

__"Mhm," Stella hummed, biting her lip. "I was invited today," she finally said._ _

__Stella had considered not telling her to surprise Dana but she figured that the whole thing might be embarrassing enough as it is._ _

__"I don't understand," Scully said and tried to put the pieces together._ _

__"I had a visitor today," Stella said and smiled. "Mulder dropped by and invited me for your birthday dinner."  
Scully sighed, wondering why Mulder hadn't mentioned that he would be in London today but then again he remembered that they hadn't talked a lot during the last three weeks._ _

__"Oh," Scully said._ _

__"Yes," Stella said. "Well, he was here to visit one of the detectives when he saw me and had the brilliant idea of inviting me to your birthday.“_ _

__"I'm sorry about that," Scully said because she didn't know what else to say. She had never meant for any of this to happen._ _

__"That he invited me to your party?" She asked, teasing Dana a little._ _

__"No," Scully said with a sigh and closed her eyes. "Not at all.“_ _

__„Well, he didn't put me in a position where I could turn down his invitation without raising questions.“_ _

__"I'd love for you to be there," Scully said quietly._ _

__"Why didn't you ask me?" Stella asked softly._ _

__"I just didn't think about that dinner party at all," she said and meant it._ _

__She was angry at herself for not having thought of that before but there was nothing she could do about it now._ _

__"I have never celebrated my birthday before and there was so much going on recently... I'm sorry I didn't mean to.“_ _

__"Why didn't you talk to him, Dana?" Stella asked a little more serious and Scully tried to ignore the bitter taste in her mouth, the guilt that weighed heavily on her shoulders for pushing the impending confrontation away from her._ _

__"I wanted to," she said, feeling like an idiot. "But we haven't talked a lot recently and I haven't spent a lot of time at home if you remember that.“_ _

__"Hey," Stella said. "Don't pin this on me!“_ _

__"You're right," Scully said. "I'm sorry! I was scared and trying to avoid him.“_ _

__"What are we going to do now?" Stella asked and put her hand on her forehead._ _

__Scully didn't miss the fact that she had said 'we' and it warmed her heart a little, strengthening the desire to hug her._ _

__"I promise I’ll talk to him after the dinner party," she said, knowing that she had promised that several times before and nothing had happened._ _

__"I just can't deal with all of this and then have this birthday party and... Or having to explain to everyone why it is cancelled,“ She sounded almost desperate and Stella faltered a little._ _

__"Okay," she simply said and absentmindedly played with the cap of her pen._ _

__"Please don't be mad," Scully said softly because that was the last thing she needed right now. "Let's just get this birthday over with and then I'll talk to him," she said and Stella couldn't really say anything about that because she had never celebrated any of her recent birthdays._ _

__"Stella Gibson," Scully said, taking a deep breath. "Will you do me the honor and join me for my birthday party?" She said and Stella chuckled softly. "Will you promise to be there with me the whole night, to be by my side and make sure I'll survive?“_ _

__Stella laughed softly and Scully smiled because she hadn't heard that beautiful sound in a long time._ _

__"I do," Stella said softly with a smile on her lips._ _

__"I'm looking forward to it," Scully said._ _

__"Go back to work, Dana," Stella said._ _

__"Bye, Stella," Scully said. "I'll call you later.“_ _

__"Bye," Stella said and ended the call._ _

__She couldn't help but smile when she put the phone down, shook her head and finished the document that she was now reading for the third time that day._ _

__Later that day, when she had managed to avoid most of her colleagues and finished reading the papers that seemed to take twice as long as it usually did, she left the building, getting lost in the steady flow of people walking along the river. She hated it and had made a habit out of avoiding large crowds of people but there was something she had to take care of. Stella walked with purpose, keeping her goal in mind while she didn’t even look at the people; they were just strangers passing by, shadows in the sunset that wouldn’t last long. It was Dana’s birthday next week and she possibly couldn’t show up without a gift and she had just the right thing in mind._ _

______

___***_ _ _

__  
__

___She stood in the bathroom, applying a little bit of make up while she watched her reflection in the mirror. She was tired and wanted to be left alone but there was no way they would cancel the dinner party now, simply because she didn’t feel like it. Technically it wasn’t her birthday today, it was tomorrow so they’d drag the dinner party long past midnight because of her special day and she wasn’t sure she liked it._  
Scully thought about letting her hair fall past her shoulders in soft waves but she’d spend most of the night trying to wipe it out of her face. She had always liked it practical so she put her hair in an elegant bun in her neck.  
She smoothed down the front of her dress with her hand, the soft purple fabric hugging her slender curves. It was a simple dress but it worked perfectly with her eyes and hair color, and for the first time in decades she allowed herself to admit it and consider herself admirable.  
Maybe it was because Stella would be here tonight and she knew that, if it wasn’t for her, she wouldn’t have tried so hard. Scully knew that she didn’t need to impress Stella, because she had seen her with absolutely no clothes or make up on but maybe she wanted to surprise her. She felt her heart pounding nervously in her chest at the thought of Stella being in her house while everyone else was around, and there would be at least one more person who knew about their affair. She had even admitted to loving Stella and it suddenly scared her. She wasn’t ready to admit that to Stella, nor was she in a position to share such feelings tonight. She’d have to hold back, try to act polite and not go too far while everyone’s eyes would be on them.  
Scully slipped into her heels, wondering why she was putting herself through the ordeal in her own home. She could always get rid of her shoes when no one was looking; she’d wait until the guests had arrived and then take off her shoes and leave them under the table. She applied a little bit of perfume, inhaling the scent with closed eyes. She allowed it to calm her down a little, to prepare her for all the unwanted attention, that she had always stayed away from. 

__The house was neatly decorated, just the way she liked it; there were a lot of lights and candles and there was a plenty of wine in the fridge, just in case. She had put fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room, knowing that Stella would stay here tonight and the mere thought of that made her stomach flutter. She would be here, within reach and still so far way. The thought and the anticipation drove her crazy and sent a shiver down her spine.  
She stepped out of the bathroom; it was still quiet. _ _

__The quiet before the storm, she thought and spotted Mulder leaning against the doorframe, watching her. She had to admit that he did look pretty handsome tonight. He held a drink in his right hand, smiling at her._ _

__„You look stunning,“ he said softly and she felt the anger, that had lingered within her, fade just a little. She didn’t want to be mad at him, especially not tonight._ _

__„Thank you,“ she said with a smile, a soft blush creeping to her cheeks._ _

__„Listen, Scully,“ he said and put the drink on the small coffee table in the living room while she followed him. All of a sudden her heart beat a little faster while she nervously waited for what was to come._ _

__„I want to apologize,“ he said and stood in front of her. Even in her heels she wasn’t nearly as tall as he was and she found herself looking at his chest, the scent of his cologne invading her senses. She looked up and waited._ _

__„I didn’t mean to be angry with you after the… accident,“ he said and she nodded. For a fleeting moment she was confused, having already forgot why she had been so angry with him._ _

__„I’m sure it must have been hard and I didn’t mean to upset you,“ he said._ _

__„I never wanted to make you feel left out,“ she said calmly. „There was nothing you could have done,“ she said and put a hand on his chest. „I needed to do this myself.“  
„I understand,“ he said and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her forehead._ _

__He put a finger under her chin, lifting her head so that she was looking at him. A small part inside of him wanted to lean down and kiss her soft lips because he didn’t even remember the last time he had done that and he missed her but he also knew that something had changed between them. He didn’t want to ruin this moment, he just wanted her to enjoy the evening. He had a surprise for her, something that made him incredibly nervous but he was certain that it would be the right thing to do, it’s been years after all._ _

__„Are you ready, birthday girl?“ he asked and she smiled at him._ _

__„It’s not my birthday tonight,“ she reminded him._ _

__„Will you be okay?“ he asked and she nodded although she wasn’t convinced. Their guests would arrive any minute and she couldn’t let herself get emotional now, she needed to pull herself together._ _

__„Yes,“ she said quietly and stepped away from Mulder._ _

__She distracted herself with lighting the candles she had left in various places and the soft glow and the flickering of the flames were oddly soothing. She looked at the dinner table where things were laid out quite nicely and she wondered whether everything would be fine. She wasn’t used to such things but she had that wish for it to be perfect. Not for her own sake, she just needed a little less drama for a couple of hours._ _

__There would be eight or nine people tonight, she wasn’t sure. She didn’t have a lot of friends since she moved to England. She had Elizabeth, whom she had failed to confide in when she had needed a friend, but who meant a lot to her and she was glad that she’d join them tonight. She had invited another colleague from University who she had a good relationship with and she thought it would be nice to have her around.  
Scully made sure that the table was set appropriately while she walked passed it when her train of thoughts was interrupted by the bell. She opened it to find Elizabeth, and her husband Gregory, waiting for her._ _

__„Look at you, darling,“ she said with a smile and cupped Scully’s face with both hands, softly kissing her on the cheek. Scully smiled at the display of intimacy, knowing that Liz was not shy of showing her feelings._ _

__„You look wonderful,“ she said._ _

__„Thank you,“ Scully said almost shy and stepped aside to let them in._ _

__„Lovely to see you,“ Gregory said and hugged her while he entered the house._ _

__Scully had always been fond of him though they didn’t see each other often. He was a lawyer and pretty busy at the moment; she’d sometimes run into him when he picked his wife up from the hospital and he always had a smile on his lips, always a kind word to share.  
She heard Elizabeth talk to Mulder in the living room while she took their coats._ _

__„Would you like something to drink?“ Scully asked while she joined the little group in the living room._ _

__„Why not,“ Gregory said, directing his attention to Mulder._ _

__„Wine?“ Scully asked and looked at Liz; she could definitely use a glass._ _

__„Yes,“ she said. „Let me help you with that,“ she said and followed Scully into the kitchen. Once they were out of earshot, she smiled at Scully and took a deep breath. Scully knew that there was something on her mind so she turned around and raised an eyebrow at her friend._ _

__„I was thinking,“ Elizabeth said. „About the conversation we had a while ago,“ she said and Scully opened the bottle of wine, turning her back to Elizabeth._ _

__„Mhm,“ she said._ _

__„I guess I didn’t really understand back then,“ she said and Scully turned around, wondering where this was going. „I think I was a little distracted.“_ _

__„By my miserable condition?“ she asked and faced her friend, leaning against the counter._ _

__„I was concerned about your well-being,“ she said with a smile. „You said you loved her.“_ _

__„I did,“ Scully said softly.  
„Are you sure about that?“ Elizabeth said and Scully looked irritated for a moment._ _

__„What do you mean?“_ _

__„Don’t get me wrong, love,“ she said. „It’s just, ever since I’ve known you, and from everything I have heard, you have been with Mulder all your life?“_ _

__„You mean with men?“ she asked and poured them each a glass of wine; she nodded without a word. „More or less.“_ _

__„Yes,“ Elizabeth admitted. „I was just a little surprised after you left because then it started to sink in and I was wondering,“ she said and there was a hint of an apology in her words._ _

__„Does it matter?“ Scully asked._ _

__„Absolutely not,“ Elizabeth said and Scully believed that the answer was genuine. „I’d just hate to see you get hurt.“_ _

__She took the glass from Scully and they clinked their glasses, taking a sip of the chilled white wine._ _

__„Isn’t love always painful one way or the other?“ she asked and Liz shrugged._ _

__„Oh wow,“ she said. „Too early for this kind of conversation. I think I need a bit more wine for that,“ she said and Scully chuckled._ _

__„It just never mattered to me,“ Scully said and looked into her glass. She didn’t owe her an explanation but she wanted to say this aloud now. „I never thought about being with a man or a woman. It just happened and I have never been a friend of labelling such things as ‚love‘,“ she took another sip from her glass and put it down on the counter._ _

__„I thought that it didn’t matter who I fell in love with as long as it made me feel good, as long as it felt right,“ she said._ _

__„Does it?“_ _

__„Yes,“ she said and nodded. „I know it might not look like it at the moment but it makes me feel good.“_ _

__„That’s a wonderful way of looking at it,“ she said. „I just want to see you happy. You deserve it.“_ _

__„You’ll meet her tonight,“ she said with a smile on her lips and Elizabeth looked surprised._ _

__„Really?“_ _

__„Mulder invited her,“ she said._ _

__„He still doesn’t know?“ she asked and Scully bit her lip, shaking her head._ _

__„Oh dear,“ Liz said._ _

__„I never meant for that to happen but there’s no way out of it now,“ she said._ _

__„I can’t wait to meet her,“ Elizabeth said and followed her back to the living room._ _

__One by one the guests arrived and Scully found herself growing nervous when only person was still missing, or so she thought. She’d lie saying that she hadn’t checked her phone every now and then in case Stella texted her but there was nothing. A couple of minutes later she heard the bell ring and all of a sound her heart was pounding nervously, her hands feeling sweaty.  
She cast a sideward glance at Elizabeth, who smiled at her, before she made her way to the door. A wave of relief washed over her when she opened the door, finding Stella on her doorstep._ _

__„Hello Dana,“ she said softly and Scully found herself staring at the beautiful woman in front of her._ _

__She was wearing a tight dark blue dress with a black mid-section, that hugged her body perfectly; her blonde hair falling past her shoulder in soft waves. She looked stunning and, purely out of habit, she tried to resist the urge to lean in a kiss her; she knew that keeping her hands off Stella would be the greatest challenge of the night._ _

__„You going to ask me in?“ Stella asked with a smile._ _

__„Yes, yes,“ she said and stepped aside, clearing her throat while she looked at her shoes._ _

__„You look amazing,“ Stella said softly and leaned in, a hand on Scully’s hips, softly kissing her on the cheek and she didn’t miss that Stella lingered just a little longer._ _

__Scully closed her eyes, breathing in the familiar scent of Stella’s perfume. She enjoyed the brief contact before she reminded herself that they were probably being watched._ _

__„Likewise,“ Scully said and helped Stella out of her coat. „Ready?“_ _

__„Can’t wait,“ she said and Scully wasn’t sure whether she was lying or not._ _

__She guided Stella into the room, everyone’s eyes immediately on them and it made her slightly uncomfortable. She then reminded herself that, to a majority of the people present, they were just friends and there was nothing wrong with that. She had a hand on the small of Stella’s back while she introduced her to the others._ _

__„Stella, this is my friend Dr. Elizabeth Sanders,“ Scully said and Stella was welcomed with the same warm smile that Scully had become to familiar with._ _

__„Pleasure to meet you,“ she said and held out her hand._ _

__„Stella Gibson,“ she said._ _

__„I’ll get you a glass of wine,“ Scully said, feeling that she could leave Stella with Elizabeth for a few moments._ _

__„Thank you,“ Stella said, watching Dana walk away._ _

______

___***_ _ _

__  
__  
  
  


__„I guess we should be ready to eat soon,“ Scully said and looked at Mulder._ _

__„Now that everyone’s here,“ she said but Mulder looked at his watch with a smile.  
„Are you,“ she was about to ask when she heard the door bell ring one more time, looking slightly confused. „Are you waiting for someone?“ she asked and looked around the room, wondering if she had missed one of their guests._ _

__„Go and open the door,“ Mulder said with a smile and Scully wasn’t sure whether she liked it. She really couldn’t think of another person that would join them tonight._ _

__She walked to the door, opening it and the moment she did she felt the breath knocked out of her lungs. She put her hand on her mouth, trying to understand; feeling completely stunned and taken by surprise. She found herself stumbling back a little, leaning against the small shoe cabinet in the entrance hall._ _

__„Oh my God,“ she whispered though her hand. „I… I don’t understand.“_ _

__She had not seen him in decades, probably not since her father’s funeral, but there was absolutely no doubt that the man on her doorstep was her little brother Charlie._ _

__„Hey Starbuck,“ he said with a shy smile and stepped inside._ _

__„Oh my God,“ she whispered again. „How?“ she said and leaned forward to hug her little brother._ _

__He was taller than she was, holding her in his arms as if they had never done anything else. All of a sudden she found herself tearing up at the surprise guest, sobbing against his shoulder because she felt completely overwhelmed. He was the very last person she had expected to show up tonight._ _

__„Nice to see you, sis,“ he said and looked at her. She wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes, smiling through the tears._ _

__„I really didn’t expect to see you,“ she said and bit her lip. She had honestly thought that she would never see him again. She wasn’t even sure what had caused them to part ways such a long time ago but she decided not to care because she was glad to see him at the moment._ _

__„Me neither,“ he said. „But someone had a different idea,“ he said and looked over her shoulder. „I guess we’ll have plenty of time to talk but let’s not keep your guests waiting,“ he said and she touched his cheek with her hand and smiled, she was excited and her hands were trembling._ _

__„You look wonderful, by the way,“ he said and together they entered the living room; she caught Mulder smiling when she walked in._ _

__„Thank you,“ she mouthed with a grateful smile and introduced her little brother to her friends._ _

__For a moment she forgot about the mess that her life seemed to be; she forgot about the conversation she needed to have with Mulder and ignored her aching feet because, for a brief moment, everything seemed okay._ _

__They sat around the table with Scully sitting opposite of Stella, sandwiched between Mulder and her brother. She looked at Charlie, a smile crossing her face and then she looked at Stella over the edge of her glass. She waited until Stella turned her head because she wanted them to look at each, she wanted her to know that she was watching her. Maybe it was the amount of wine she had already had, that made her a little bolder but she was ready to play a bit. Finally, she caught Stella’s eyes, her icy-blue orbits glistening in the semi-darkness of the room. She saw the smile play around her eyes, sighing when the urge to kiss and touch her made her squirm in her chair, the excitement tingling in her fingertips.  
Reluctantly she broke the eye contact, looking at her friend Elizabeth whose gaze she tried to avoid the moment she felt caught. Scully smiled, trying to busy herself with the food on her plate. She listened to the chatter around the table, the laughter and the careless atmosphere. It wasn’t quite as bad as she had imagined it to be and she sighed contently, leaning back in her chair. It was still a lot of time until midnight but she wished it was over already so they could return to drinking without paying too much attention to her._ _

__Stella watched her quietly while she felt unobserved, lost in a conversation with her little brother. She remembered that Dana had only mentioned him once, saying that they hadn’t seen each other for a very long time but she had never found out what had caused them to drift apart. What warmed her heart was the image in front of her and she thought that she had never seen Dana happier. She smiled and laughed, and she was obviously getting drunk. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and her eyes sparkling with excitement. Stella found herself lost in the display, felt like she could spend hours just watching Dana smile.  
She didn’t feel quite as uncomfortable as she had expected and she leaned back in her chair. The people, she was now having dinner with, were nice and pleasant to be around and even Mulder didn’t seem to be such bad company after all. She still didn’t like him, maybe it was because she still felt incredibly protective of Dana, but seeing them interact was interesting because Scully seemed polite but slightly reserved._ _

__There was no doubt Stella was head over heels in love with Dana. She knew it wasn’t just that but the fact that she loved her. There was no other way to say it, no other way to describe the feelings she had for Dana Scully.  
Elizabeth quietly observed what was happening around her; her attention on Dana and Stella because she had a feeling that, apart from them, she was the only one who knew what was happening. She wondered how no one else had noticed but maybe she was simply more receptive for what was going on because she knew the truth. She didn’t miss the way these two women looked at each other when they thought no one else was watching, how their hands briefly touched when Scully handed over the glass of wine; the hand on the small of her back, the kiss on the cheek that lasted just a little too long. _ _

__She hadn’t known Stella until a couple of hours ago but she seemed to be a wonderful woman and it was obvious that she loved Dana just as much, she simply hoped the whole thing wouldn’t end in a disaster._ _

__„I do remember our first case,“ Mulder said when the plates had been cleared._ _

__Scully leaned her head on her hand, watching Mulder from the side. She played with her half-finished glass of wine, having lost track of how many she had had already. She knew there still was dessert waiting in the fridge but she couldn’t be bothered to get up just yet._ _

__„Do you?“ he asked and smiled at Scully._ _

___She wondered where he was going with that. They had once made a deal when they first arrived in England. They would never talk about aliens again because that always raised too many questions, making them look like idiots and she wanted to leave that behind herself._  
She laughed at his question, deciding that, with the amount of alcohol she had already had, no one would believe their stories or will have forgotten about it come morning.  
„Mhm,“ Scully said and sipped some more wine. „I was young and naive and… you scared me.“ 

__„It was fun,“ Mulder said._ _

__„For you!“ Scully said._ _

__„It was our very first case… you took your clothes off in front of me during the first night!“_ _

__„Because you scared me!“ Scully said and sat up straight, trying not to laugh. „We were investigating this weird… case,“ she began to explain, looking at her friends who were eagerly waiting for an explanation._ _

__„And all of the victims had punctuation marks on their backs,“ she explained, choosing her words carefully. „Just two marks on the lower back and we had no idea what was happening,“ she said and cast a sideward glance at Mulder, quietly reminding him of the deal they had. If one was to break it, it would be her._ _

__„At some point, my dear partner over there,“ she said and pointed at Mulder. „Went so far as to believe that, maybe, our victims were abducted by aliens,“ she said and laughed._ _

__„Hey!“ Mulder said. „You’re not being fair.“_ _

__„He had me so convinced at some point that I started to believe him and it was creepy,“ she said and laughed, finishing her glass._ _

__„That still doesn’t explain why you took your clothes off,“ Gregory threw in._ _

__„Getting to that,“ Scully said and looked at Stella for a moment._ _

__She looked amused but slightly confused at the same time._ _

__„So, I was getting ready for bed, stripped off all my clothes and all of a sudden I saw two puncture marks on my lower back,“ she said._ _

__„I was so scared!“ she said. „Because he made me believe his story!“  
„She came to my room, wearing a bathrobe, looking positively scared. She took it off, leaving her standing in front of me in nothing but her underwear,“ he said and Scully shrugged._ _

__„Turned out these puncture marks were just mosquito bites,“ he said much to everyone’s pleasure and even Scully joined in, because it was funny._ _

__„I remember something,“ Charlie said._ _

__He didn’t know a lot about his sisters life but he knew that she had been working with Fox Mulder most her life and, back in the day, when he had talked to his mother over the phone she had mentioned something._ _

__„Wasn’t there a movie about you guys?“ he asked and smiled, knowing that he had woken some very embarrassing memories, something both of them had been trying to ignore._ _

__„Oh my God,“ Scully said and covered her face in her hands, shaking her head._ _

__„Don’t even go there!“ Mulder said._ _

__„So it is true?“ Charlie said. „I thought mum had been exaggerating when she had mentioned it all those years ago.“_ _

__„I wish,“ Scully said and reached for the bottle of wine; she had a feeling she’d need this._ _

__„There’s a movie about you guys?“ Elizabeth asked to make sure she had understood them correctly._ _

__„Sort of,“ Mulder said. „I don’t even remember how the whole thing started but someone had thought it would be a great idea if a camera team followed us around for a while so they could base a movie on two FBI Agents.“_ _

__„It was awful,“ Scully said and laughed. „We got to see the finished movie the night of the premiere and it was so damn awkward,“ Scully said and almost giggled._ _

__„It was,“ Mulder said._ _

__„They ruined the whole thing,“ Scully said. „I’m so glad this horrible movie was a flop.“_ _

__„It could still be fun to watch,“ Stella said, slightly amused by how embarrassed Dana was by the whole thing._ _

__„No,“ Scully said. „Please don’t…“_ _

__Scully sighed while the conversation slowly shifted to different topics, the atmosphere more relaxed by the amount of alcohol that had been flowing but she didn’t mind._ _

__„Did she ever tell you how she got a tattoo?“ she heard Mulder say and she paused to look at him; he smiled at her while he was talking to Elizabeth and Stella._ _

__She found herself raising and eyebrow at him because that had always been a rather sensitive topic._ _

__„You do?“ Elizabeth asked with a smile. „What is it?“ she wanted to know and Stella sipped her wine, knowing exactly what it was and where to find it; she had run her fingers along the picture for so many times already._ _

__Scully nodded and pursed her lips._ _

__„This just keeps getting more and more interesting,“ Charlie said. „I wonder what else I have missed in the past.“_ _

__He had known that Scully was with Mulder, or at least she used to be. What had caught his interest was the relationship that his sister had with Stella because something told him that there was a bit more than friendship._ _

__„She went on a solo trip and ended up getting a tattoo just to prove a point,“ he said and Scully found herself getting angry._ _

__„I tried to solve a case in Philadelphia,“ Scully said and took a deep breath._ _

__„On my own, because I didn’t need you to do it,“ she said and glared at Mulder._ _

__„I met a guy,“ Scully said, remembering how charming and dangerous Ed had been. „Turns out he was also the bad guy in this whole thing,“ she said and leaned back in her chair._ _

__She felt her skin burn, felt the sting of the needle and it sent a rush of excitement through her body._ _

__„Long story short,“ she said. „I had a bit too much to drink and I ended up in a sleazy Russian tattoo parlor in the middle of the night, getting a tattoo,“ she said. „I’m not going to tell you what it is or where it is and I certainly didn’t do it for you, I did it because I wanted to,“ she said and rose from her chair without giving anyone the chance to say something._ _

__„I’ll go and get the dessert,“ she said and left._ _

__It was quiet in the kitchen and she tried to take a deep breath. It seemed that she had a little more to drink than she had intended to but it didn’t matter now. She just hoped that it wouldn’t turn her into a sappy emotional drunk, that was the last thing she needed tonight. It was another thirty minutes until midnight and it felt like an eternity already._ _

__She took the small glasses, filled with Tiramisu, out of the fridge and put them on a tray. She briefly considered carrying them all at once but she didn’t trust herself to carry the tray back safely; she then remembered that she had abandoned her high heels under the table already._ _

__„Are you okay?“ she heard Stella’s voice behind her._ _

__She put her hands on Dana’s hips, leaning against her and for the first time that night they were alone. Dana sighed, a wave of excitement and longing rushing through her body. She leaned back, the feeling of Stella’s soft breasts pressed against her back distracting her from the initial anger she had felt._ _

__„I missed you,“ Stella whispered against her neck, her lips touching the soft and warm skin. She felt Stella’s hot breath, sending a shiver down her spine._ _

__„Don’t do this now,“ Scully pleaded, knowing that it wouldn’t take much to break her resolve at this moment. Stella chuckled against her skin._ _

__„Just kiss me once,“ Stella whispered seductively and turned Dana around in her arms, leaving her trapped between Stella’s body and the kitchen counter._ _

__It was then that Scully noticed that Stella was just as drunk but she just had a better composure, as usual.  
She leaned in, pressing her lips against Stella’s, reminding herself that they weren’t on their own. She felt the touch of her lips going straight to her core, making her all tingly and excited._ _

__„Let’s go back,“ Stella said. „I think your brother was trying to find that movie.“_ _

__„Oh please don’t,“ Scully said with a groan and took the tray from the counter.  
Stella laughed, following her into the living room._ _

__„Dessert anyone?“ Scully asked and passed the small glasses around._ _

__„Don’t even try,“ she said when she reached her brother. „You’re not going to find it!“ Scully hoped that he wouldn’t be successful._ _

__„What if I already have?“ he said, laughing at the face his sister made._ _

__They finished their desserts, gathering in the living room. Scully found herself sitting between Elizabeth and Charlie while they kept an eye on the clock. This was the part she had been dreading, all the attention made her uncomfortable and sappy but she allowed it to happen for the moment. She waited, putting her face in her hands when the clock stroke midnight and they started to sing _Happy Birthday_ for her._ _

__She couldn’t remember anyone ever having done that for her and it brought tears of joy to her eyes, and the fact that she was drunk made it feel a little less awkward.  
She looked at the small cake in front of her, the candles burning brightly and closed her eyes. Then she closed her eyes, made a wish and blew out the candles._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)


	16. How Great The Delight From Those Sweet Lips I Taste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/tumblr_oq7wgsh3MR1vgclt1o4_540.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/tumblr_oq7wgsh3MR1vgclt1o4_540.jpg)   
> 
> 
> __
> 
>  
> 
> The beautiful header was, once again, made by [the-pink-posse](http://the-pink-posse.tumblr.com/) You are my hero, I love your art! 

_How great delight from those sweet lips I taste_  
_Whether I hear them speak, or feel them kiss!_  
_Only this want I have, that being graced_  
_With one of them, the other straight I miss._  
_Love, since thou canst do wonders, heap my blisses_  
_And grant her kissing words, or speaking kisses._

_["How Great Delight" - William Wordsworth]_

***

„Thank you,“ Scully said, feeling excited all of a sudden.

She blew out the candles, keeping her wish to herself. She cast a quick glance at Stella, who was smiling at her.  
She hugged and thanked them all one by one, enjoying the moment. She watched Elizabeth carrying a tray with glasses of champagne, accepting it gratefully when she was handed one. She rose from the couch, walking towards Mulder and for a brief moment she prayed that he wouldn’t kiss her. 

She was hesitant at first but couldn’t back down now that everyone’s eyes were on them. She wasn’t fond of public displays of affection and he knew that, hoping he’d keep that in the back of his mind.

„Happy Birthday, Scully,“ he said and put his arms around her. 

She leaned against him, feeling utterly delighted. She almost forgot that all of this would be over soon and that their hearts would soon be broken, one way or the other.

„Thank you,“ she said. „Thank you for bringing Charlie here.“

„You’re welcome,“ he said and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.  
„Alright, come here you,“ Elizabeth said, taking Scully’s hand to get her away from Mulder.

It felt slightly awkward to watch them especially since she knew what was going on and that Stella was in the room with them; she pulled Scully in for a hug.

„Happy Birthday my dear,“ she said softly. „I hope you’ll be happy,“ she almost whispered and Scully felt it get to her, making her feel just a tad bit emotional.

„Thank you,“ she said and turned around, smiling at Stella.

„Happy Birthday, Dana,“ she said and hugged her. „You’ll get your gift later,“ she whispered in her ear and Scully wasn’t sure whether she was referring to an actual gift or something a little more naughty.

She wrapped her hands around Stella’s waist, smiling over her shoulder while she watched everyone else in the room.  
It didn’t seem like anyone was paying attention to them at all so she decided to stay in the embrace a little bit longer, taking a deep breath.

„How about we finish that champagne,“ Elizabeth said and handed that half-finished glass to Scully, getting them to break the embrace.

Scully smirked at her, toasted her glass to Stella and emptied it. She wasn’t sure whether this was a great idea but she ignored that thought.  
It was nearly 1am when Elizabeth and Gregory decided to call it a night because they both had to work the next day and Scully walked them to the door.

„Don’t do anything stupid,“ she said and touched Scully’s cheek with her hand.  
„No,“ she said and laughed, making her confirmation sound slightly less plausible. „I’ll… do my best,“ she said.

„She seems like a wonderful person,“ Liz said a little quieter while her husband helped her into her coat; Scully nodded.

„Thank you for being here,“ Scully said.

„You guys have a lovely night,“ Elizabeth said and hugged her. „I’ll see you next week.“

„Thank you for dropping by,“ she said and waved goodbye to Gregory before she closed the door behind them. She leaned against the door, closing her eyes while she inhaled slowly; everything was spinning a little and maybe it was time to have a bit of water.  
One by one their guests left until there was only Stella and Charlie left. Stella would stay over night and she had asked her little brother to do that as well because she couldn’t let him go just yet; there was still so much to talk about and she wanted him around. She found herself sitting on the couch with Stella’s legs draped over her thighs. She leaned against the pillows, looking utterly content and positively drunk. Scully leaned back, felt the alcohol buzz in her veins. She felt content and relaxed, reaching a dead point where she was prone to falling asleep.

Her hands rested on Stella’s legs, her thumbs softly caressing the skin of her ankles. Charlie sat next to her while Mulder had taken the armchair in front of them. Everyone was quiet, lost in their own thoughts.

„I think I’m drunk,“ Scully mumbled with closed eyes, leaning her head back.  
„You think?“ Stella said and laughed.

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed and turned her head, looking at Charlie. „What are you doing?“ she asked when he typed something on his phone.

„Looking for something,“ he said and turned away from Scully so she wouldn’t read what was on the screen of his phone.

„Found it?“ Mulder asked.

He had been quiet for the last couple of minutes, watching Stella and Scully while he tried to figure out what the hell was going on between them. In the end he decided that it was nothing but friendly, drunk touching and affection.

Charlie chuckled. „Yes, I did.“

„No,“ Scully said because she had a feeling that she knew what they were talking about.

„No way,“ Mulder said and sounded excited all of a sudden.

„Please tell me you found the movie,“ Stella said and smiled.

Dana looked at her, thinking that she had never seen Stella so careless and relaxed and it was something she wanted to see more often, especially after the rough couple of days they had had after the attack.  
„Don’t stab me in the back!“ Scully said, feeling like she just lost the last person to back her up in this. 

It seemed like everyone was in when it came to watching this awful movie.

„I wanna see it,“ Stella said in her defense.

„That makes three against one, you’re out numbered, sis.“

„Is this even legal?“ Scully asked with feigned outrage. „Are you aware that you are sitting in a room with two people working in law enforcement and one former FBI Agent?“

„Are you aware that I still work for the military?“ he said with a cheeky grin. „How do you think I know how to find that stuff?“

She groaned and tilted her head back.

„You can’t be serious,“ she whispered, feeling slightly amused by the whole thing.

It took them a few more minutes to get the movie to run on tv and Scully wondered where, in the depths of the world wide web, her brother had found this outrageous piece of a movie. She stumbled to the kitchen, to get some diet coke from the fridge. She dropped on the sofa, sitting a bit closer to Stella than she had before; she took a sip from her glass and handed it to Stella.

„Ready?“ Mulder asked and started the movie while Scully absentmindedly reached for Stella’s hand, entwining their fingers while their eyes were glued to the screen.

„This is bad,“ Charlie said quietly after a while.

„Told you so,“ Scully said and chuckled.

„It’s so embarrassing,“ Stella said, never letting go of Scully’s hand.

„Wanna stop?“ Mulder asked.

„No way,“ Scully said. „You all asked for this and we’re going to finish that,“ she said, knowing that she would fall asleep sooner or later so she really didn’t care.

The next time Scully opened her eyes she found herself snuggled up against Stella’s side, slightly startled by the position when she realized that everyone else had fallen asleep as well and the movie was over after all; she hadn’t even seen the ending. She leaned back against Stella, snuggling against the warmth of her body when she had a different idea.

„Hey,“ she whispered softly, trying to nudge Stella awake without waking the men. „Stella,“ she said and waited.

„Mhm,“ she hummed softly.

„Come on,“ Scully said. „Let’s go upstairs,“ she said with a smile and it caught Stella’s interest. „I’ll show you where you sleep.“

„Need to get my bag from the car,“ she whispered while she slowly sat up.

„Don’t worry about that,“ Scully said. „You won’t need it,“ she said and pulled her up from the couch. „Just give me a second,“ she said and walked to the bedroom to get a pillow and a blanket for her brother, who’d be sleeping on the couch. 

She returned a few moments later, sleepily dragging a blanket after herself while she held a pillow with the other and Stella wondered if that was her own stuff.  
She quite unceremoniously dropped it on her sleeping little brother, chuckling at the gesture. Stella wondered if that was what having siblings was like.

„Hey,“ Charlie whispered without opening his eyes.

„Night, Charlie,“ Scully said and got ready to go upstairs.

„Night, Starbuck,“ he answered, opening his eyes just a little. 

He didn’t miss the fact that Dana led the way upstairs and something told him that she was doing a little more than showing Stella where she’d spend the night. He had been watching them all evening, wondering what it was that was going on between them.  
He had been surprised for a moment but then again he wasn’t in a position to judge. He had no idea what his sisters life had been like, what she had to put up with over the years and how her relationship with Mulder had suffered. He wanted her to be happy because she appeared to deserve it more than any other person he knew and it seemed that Stella did that for her.

„Come on,“ she whispered and looked over her shoulder. 

Stella followed her quietly, reaching for her bag on the way, taking the stairs on quiet steps; Mulder was still asleep in the armchair. They were about the same height because Stella had kicked off her shoes when she got comfortable on the sofa.

„What are you doing?“ she asked when Scully quietly closed the door behind them, immediately trapping Stella between the door and her own body.

She didn’t waste another moment before she sealed her lips with a hungry kiss, softly moaning into Stella’s. She had been waiting to do that all night and she felt like she could no longer keep her hands off Stella, she didn’t even care that Mulder was downstairs, he’d be asleep anyway.  
She let her hands roam over Stella’s beautiful body, forced to break the kiss that left them both panting for air. She leaned her forehead against Stella’s, smiling.

„I’ve been wanting to do that all night,“ Scully whispered with a smile, softly sucking her bottom lip. It drew a gentle moan from Stella’s lips, something that went straight to her throbbing and aching core.

„Wow,“ Stella whispered. Scully’s hands on her body were incredibly distracting but she still had a gift for Dana. „That was…“ she said and Scully chuckled.

„I still have something for you,“ Stella said and her eyes locked with Scully’s, her pupils dilated and eyes glistening dangerously. Unwillingly she stepped away from Dana; she knew where this was heading.

She could see it in Dana’s eyes but somewhere in the back of her mind there was the smallest voice that tried to remind her that this was a very bad idea. Someone, and that someone being Mulder, could walk in on them any minute.  
Stella would lie saying that the mere thought of that didn’t thrill her just a little bit but she refused to acknowledge that right now. She reached for her bag, fishing out a small package. It was a small gift, wrapped in dark blue paper. Scully sat down in the armchair, feeling a little nervous when she took it. She didn’t know why, maybe it was the alcohol or simply the fact that she never expected anything and had got used to not receiving any gifts.

„Happy Birthday, Dana,“ she said softly and stood in front of her while she quietly opened the small gift.

„That’s beautiful,“ she whispered when she opened a small box. 

She was incredibly touched by what she saw. She let it drop into the palm of her hand and looked at a tiny, very simple golden bracelet that worked perfectly with the golden necklace that she wore. Stella held out her hand, a smile on her lips. Dana looked up and held out her palm. She watched as Stella’s hands laid the bracelet around her wrist, closing the clasp.

„Something to remember me by when I’m not around,“ Stella said softly.

„Thank you,“ Scully said, her eyes glistening when she looked at Stella.

She rose from the armchair without taking her eyes off the woman in front of her, cupping her face with both hands.  
She looked into her eyes, wanting to say something but words failed her and she was overcome with a deep sense of longing and want that didn’t require too many words. With a smirk on her lips she closed what little distance was left between them, kissing Stella as if the world would end tomorrow.  
It was an eager, almost desperate kiss; their mouths opening to each other, their tongues playing and it drew the softest moan from Stella. She felt her nipples harden against the fabric of her dress, a soft tingle spreading in her lower belly. Slowly, without breaking the kiss, Dana pushed her back and Stella smiled against her lips. It didn’t take long for the back of her knees to hit the bed and she was forced to let herself fall back. She broke away from Dana, panting for air. Her lips were swollen and there was nothing but mischief in Dana’s eyes that turned her on more than she liked to admit. Stella leaned back on her elbows with Dana standing between her parted legs.

„I don’t think we should be doing this,“ Stella said in a low voice while Dana leaned forward, hovering above her.  
„What if,“ Stella whispered, distracted by the warmth of her breath on her neck. „What if someone…“ she tried again, a strangled moan escaping her lips while Dana sucked the sensitive pulse point behind her ear.

„You just have to be quiet,“ Dana whispered and Stella’s defenses slowly melted away; her body was shamelessly betraying her. 

She was dripping wet already, her panties soaked with the evidence of her arousal. Her clit was throbbing, aching for attention and she wanted Dana to touch her, she wanted it so much that it sent a shiver down her spine.

„This is a bad idea,“ Stella whispered, a soft laugh escaping her lips. „What are you doing?“ she asked and propped herself up on her elbows when Dana pulled up her dress a little to give herself more space; she got down on her knees without taking her eyes off Stella.

„We really shouldn’t be doing this,“ she whispered, trying one last time before her resistance was diminished by the soft strokes of Dana’s hands, the touch of her warm tongue and the determined look in her eyes.

„We probably shouldn’t,“ Dana agreed with a smile, her hands sliding along the soft skin of her bare thighs, under her dress. 

She gripped her panties on both sides and Stella sighed softly, covering her face with one hand while she found herself lifting her hips a little to help Dana strip her off her underwear.

„That’s better,“ Scully whispered and tossed the piece of fabric aside, pushing Stella’s dress up to her waist. All Stella could think of was how she’d look like if they’d get caught; she was in the perfect position to put her pussy on full display, should anyone walk into the room and it didn’t sound too flattering but at the same time she couldn’t be bothered to move because the alcohol had lowered her inhibitions and the thought of having the audacity to fuck her while he was sleeping downstairs suddenly made her laugh. It was something that started somewhere deep inside in her belly and it shook her entire body; she threw her head back and laughed. She felt the tears pool in her eyes but she couldn’t stop laughing, feeling completely breathless.

„Stella,“ Scully said with a smile and it took everything not to join in because it was incredibly beautiful. „You have to be quiet,“ she thought and she knew there was only one way to shut her up now. 

She took a pillow from the bed, shoving it under her knees before she hooked both arms under Stella’s thighs to pull her closer to the edge of the bed. Stella gasped at the sudden change and the laughter slowly ebbed off; she looked at the ceiling, her chest heaving.  
Dana smelled her arousal, saw it glistening on the inside of her thighs when Stella parted her legs, propping one leg up on the edge of the bed. She remembered the taste, remembered the very first time she had made Stella come with her tongue and she loved it, loved the taste and the way it made her feel. She felt herself getting wetter by the mere thought of what she was about to do.  
She kissed the insides of Stella’s thigh, her teeth nipping the sensitive skin. The soft sigh that reached her ears was all the encouragement she needed so she parted her legs a little wider to touch her where they both really wanted it. She didn’t feel like drawing this out, knowing that they were both pretty much on the edge and it would be a shame if one of them fell asleep without getting off. Stella felt her tongue close to her aching and wet center, quivering in anticipation.  
Scully's tongue darted out, spreading the delicious wetness. Her thick and swollen folds were glistening with her own arousal and Scully spread it eagerly with her tongue. Stella’s back arched off the bed with a long, strangled moan when she felt her tongue inside of her. She tilted her head back, one hand gripping Dana’s hair while the other kneaded her own breast as she slowly surrendered to the overwhelming pleasure.

The whole thing was so arousing, so wrong and so exciting that she knew she wouldn’t last long; she would come hard and fast and she was okay with that. Scully closed her lips around her clit, sucking softly because she knew that’s what Stella liked most and the way Stella’s hand tightened its grip on her hair, pulling her closer, told her that she was right.  
Scully was wet, so wet that it soaked right through her panties and she hummed appreciatively, her own hand finding its way between her legs. She was aching for release, pushing her damp panties aside to pleasure herself while Stella was about to come on her tongue. Stella was squirming beneath her, trying to increase the friction. Scully rubbed her own clit in slow circles, quite unceremoniously but it seemed to do the trick. The warmth in her lower belly made her moan against Stella’s clit, causing her to get a bit carried away.  
Stella was gently kneading her own boobs, teasing her erect and sensitive nipples. She bit her lip hard, huffing and squirming while she tried to keep quiet, to keep herself from moaning out loud because she faintly remembered that they weren’t on their own. Usually she didn’t care but this was different somehow.  
She was getting so close; she loved Dana’s mouth on her dripping wet pussy but she needed more. She wanted her fingers inside of her, hitting that sweet spot that would take her breath away but before she gained the strength to ask for it she noticed that something had changed and that Dana’s administrations had slowed down.

„Please tell me you didn’t fall asleep,“ Stella said, propping herself up on her elbows.

She looked down at Scully, who was humming softly with a content smile on her lips. It only took her a second to notice that she was touching herself and, while the whole scene was incredibly arousing, it was also very frustrating but Stella couldn’t help but laugh about it.

„Hey,“ Stella said and Dana smiled. „You gotta be kidding me,“ Stella said. „You can’t leave me hanging like that,“ she said with a groan.

„Sorry,“ Scully said, ignoring her own throbbing cunt. „Got carried away.“

Without wasting another moment she hooked both arms beneath her thighs, pulling her close to her face, sucking and licking her hard. Stella had both hands tangled in her hair, crying out loud when it hit her head and Scully kept teasing her until Stella pushed her away, trembling with the overwhelming sensation. She wondered whether that last part had given them away and she secretly prayed that everyone else was still fast asleep and out of earshot.  
Scully rose slowly, hovering above Stella before she french kissed her slowly, wet and sloppy with the taste of Stella on her tongue.

„I’ll be right back,“ Scully whispered, quietly making her way to the small bathroom at the end of the hall. 

She wetted a soft washcloth and cleaned up the evidence of her sticky arousal between her legs. She discarded her panties, washed her face and hands before she returned to Stella with another washcloth. She found her in the exact some position, sprawled out on the bed with her legs spread and her dressed hitched up at her waist.  
Stella sat up on the edge, feeling content and calm; drunk and properly fucked. She looked up at Dana, raising her arms when she grabbed the edge of her dress; Scully took it off, leaving Stella naked in front of her.

„Turn around,“ Stella whispered in a low voice, rising from the bed. Scully complied without another word. Slowly, Stella opened the zipper of her purple dress, letting it pool by her feet. Much to Stella’s surprise she didn’t wear any underwear, leaving them equally undressed. Scully leaned against her, getting lost in the feeling of Stella's naked body pressed against her own. She had long forgotten about Mulder or her brother, her fear vanishing with every touch of Stella’s nimble fingers. Scully tilted her head back, leaning on Stella’s shoulder while her hands cupped her full breasts from behind.

„You are incredible,“ Stella whispered in her ear, slowly teasing her. 

She knew it wouldn’t take long but she didn’t want to ruin this moment, she didn’t want it to end.  
A few moments later Dana was on her stomach, her arms hugging a pillow while Stella hovered above her, her hair softly tickling her skin. She left a trail of feather-light kisses down her spine, memorizing each part before she reached the tattoo on the small of her back.  
She traced the outline of the snake with the tip of her tongue, making Dana squirm beneath her.

„You’re my little rebel,“ she smiled against her skin and Scully chuckled softly, her body flushed with goosebumps. 

Stella’s hand reached between her legs, finding her soft and warm center. She slipped two fingers inside easily and Dana arched her back, moaning softly into the pillow. Stella leaned over, pulling her in for a kiss.

„I want to see you,“ Stella whispered flush against her lips, her fingers pumping in and out of her wet pussy. 

She laid on her side, turning Scully on her back. She had her legs spread with one across Stella’s while she slowly fingered her, taking her sweet time. Stella loved the look on Dana’s face; her head tilted back, her lips slightly parted. Her brows were furrowed in concentration as the pleasure built within her. Stella took one nipple in her mouth, sucking softly until Scully whimpered beneath her.

„Harder,“ Scully begged, her voice nothing but a pleading whisper.

Stella hovered above her, their faces only inches apart. She traced her swollen lips with her tongue before she slipped it in between them. Stella broke the kiss, smiling at Scully while her fingers continued the sweet torture that pushed Dana over the edge real soon. She sealed her lips with a kiss to swallow her moans and the sweet taste while she came on her fingers.  
Stella continued to pepper her lips with open-mouthed kisses while she slowly came down, slipping her own fingers between their lips. She watched Dana sucking off the juices, pulling her in for another kiss when the job was done. Stella rolled off, laying beside Scully and for a couple of moments it was quiet. There was nothing but the sound of their labored breathing, slowly calming down.  
They were both exhausted, drunk and tired, the post-orgasmic bliss lulling them into a soft slumber. Scully covered her face with her hands, giggling into her hands.

„We need to get dressed,“ Stella said without moving from the bed. 

There was nothing wrong with two friends falling asleep in one bed, but it was an entirely different thing when both were naked and looking well-fucked, with their clothes abandoned all over the floor. She wanted Mulder to know the truth but that really wasn’t the classy way to go.

She forced herself off the bed before she fell asleep, picking up the clothes off the floor. She really wished she had her overnight bag because the thought of her slightly damp panties wasn’t too appealing but she couldn’t afford to be picky. She threw the dress on the armchair and opened the window; Dana still laid on the bed, spread out in all her naked glory with no intention to move.  
Stella walked over to the wardrobe, knowing that Dana used to keep spare clothes in here. To her silent relief she didn’t just find a shirt to sleep in, she also found panties that were way better than the crumbled piece of fabric that now laid hidden beneath her dress.

„Come on Dana,“ Stella said. „You need to get dressed.“

„What, no cuddling tonight?“ she said and rolled on her side, laughing at Stella.

„No!“ Stella said and turned around to find something for Dana. „Not until you get dressed.“

„This is so… not romantic,“ Scully said with a sigh and turned on her back.

„I’ll give you romance for god’s sake,“ Stella said and bit her lip with a smile. „When we’re getting caught!“ Stella hissed and fished panties out of the wardrobe.

„At least put panties on, or do you usually sleep naked in bed with friends?“ Stella said and let herself fall on the bed next to Dana. 

Scully looked at her through hooded eyes, slightly amused by the whole situation. She put a hand on Stella’s thigh, teasing the soft skin.

„Uh uh,“ Stella said with a laugh and moved away. „Panties on, now.“

„First you take them off and now you’ll make me put them on, that’s new,“ Scully said with feigned hurt and Stella laughed. She reached for the black panties, that Stella had handed her, and sighed.

„I think I’m getting sick,“ Scully said with a whine. She wasn’t sure; she felt a little dizzy and was probably just dehydrated.

„Oh no, you’re not playing that card now,“ Stella said. „Put it on or I’ll do it for you.“

„Yes, please,“ Scully said and tossed the piece of fabric at Stella. 

Stella gave up, reached for the panties and put them on Dana, sliding them up her legs to cover her most private parts.

„That’s better,“ she whispered and hovered above the redhead.

„I’ll be right back,“ Scully said and pushed Stella aside; for a moment Stella feared she might actually be sick.

„Dana, are you okay?“

„Yes,“ she hissed and opened the door, peeking outside. She put a shirt on and stepped outside. „I’ll be back in a minute.“

Slowly, she made her way downstairs. It was quiet and Mulder had gone to bed; her brother was sleeping on the couch. She stepped into the kitchen to get some diet coke out of the fridge when she had an idea. She just now realized that she was getting hungry and there was still some dessert left in the fridge.  
While she was busy checking the fridge, she heard someone clear his throat behind her. Her heart stopped for a second and she took a deep breath before she turned around, trying to look as casual as possible. To her relieve it was her brother, not Mulder.

„Thought I’d heard something,“ he said leaning against the doorframe and Scully took a bit more time to inspect the contents of the fridge.

„Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,“ she said and bit her lip, feeling caught. She placed the dessert on the counter, trying to avoid her brothers gaze.

„I knew it,“ he said with a grin and walked into the kitchen.

„What?“ she asked and felt the blush creep into her cheeks.

„Does he really not know?“ Charlie asked and leaned against the edge of the table. Scully looked surprised and caught off guard, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

„Shit,“ she whispered. „It’s just… I…“

„Well, you don’t have to explain to it me,“ he said honestly. „It’s really none of my business,“ he said.

„This is embarrassing,“ Scully said.

„I honestly don’t know anything about your life sis, and you are old enough to make your own decisions,“ he said and Scully looked at him, feeling secretly proud of her little brother. „You seem very happy when you are with Stella and she seems to be a wonderful woman,“ he said.

„I feel like I’ve known you for five minutes,“ he said with a sigh. „I just… don’t understand,“ he said. She looked at him, feeling slightly confused.  
„All I knew is that you were with Mulder,“ he said quietly. „What happened?“ Scully shrugged, feeling incredibly tired all of a sudden. „I mean you still are?“ he said and looked around.

„I meant to tell him,“ she said quietly. „But it never felt right. Things have gone wrong years ago, Charlie. It’s complicated,“ she said.

„I guess that’s something for another time,“ he said with a soft smile; he could see that all of this was hard on her and that she was very touched by this.

„Yes,“ she said with a smile, swallowing the lump in her throat.

Suddenly, he started to laugh.

„What is it?“

„You’ve always been my favorite sister,“ he said honestly. „Always a little rebel although you looked so nice and cute.“

She raised an eyebrow at him, feeling a little proud of herself.

„I’ll take that as a compliment,“ she said.

„Can I tell Bill?“ he asked, looking excited all of a sudden.

„What? Why?“ she said and shook her head. „He hates me anyway. He never liked Mulder and he wasn’t happy when I told him I’d move to England with him.“

„What does he care?“ Charlie asked and Scully shrugged. „Imagine I now get to tell him that you’re with a woman,“ he whispered. „I just wanna see that look on his face!“

„No,“ Scully said and laughed. He got up and gave her a quick hug. „Charlie?“

„Yes?“

„Is it really… ok?“

„Why wouldn’t it be? Like I said, I’m really in no position to judge and it’s your life.“

„Thank you,“ she whispered.

„You having a little after show party?“ he asked and pointed at the coke and the dessert.

„She’ll probably be asleep by the time I get back,“ she said and took the food.

„That’s a good idea actually,“ he said and they quietly made their way back to the living room.

„Night,“ she said and turned around to leave.

„Oh, Dana?“ he said. „I don’t know if he’s a light sleeper but… you might wanna be a little quieter next time.“

„Oh god,“ she whispered, glad that it was dark in the room because she most certainly blushed; she heard him chuckle and climbed the stairs.

„Are you asleep already?“ Scully asked when she stepped inside the room. The lights had been dimmed and the bed looked ready for a good nights sleep.

„Almost,“ Stella mumbled. „You ok?“

„Yes,“ she said and sat down on the edge of the bed. „You want some?“ she handed Stella the bottle of coke, remembering that she forgot to bring glasses but it didn’t matter. Stella sat up and took the dessert that Dana handed her, at least she brought tea spoons.

„That’s a wonderful idea,“ Stella said and they finished the dessert quietly while Scully cuddled up to her side. „Everything ok downstairs?“

„Mulder is asleep,“ she said. „And Charlie totally called us out.“

Stella looked at her, looking a little alarmed for a moment.

„Don’t worry about him,“ she said. „He said it’s fine… I think he heard us.“

„That’s gonna be awkward tomorrow,“ Stella said.

„He said I have always been his favorite sister cause I was such a cute looking rebel.“

„You are,“ Stella said and put a hand on Dana’s cheek. „Can we worry about that tomorrow… or later for that matter?“ she yawned and Scully nodded.

„That was a lovely birthday,“ Scully mumbled against the crook of Stella’s neck when they had switched off the lights.

„It just started,“ Stella whispered. „I’m glad I got to be with you,“

„Good night, Stella.“

„Night, love.“

***

The next morning, or simply a couple of hours later, Stella woke from her slumber feeling like she had just closed her eyes a couple of minutes ago. Without opening her eyes she knew that it would be one of those days that she’d love to spend in bed all day but then she remembered that she wasn’t at home. She sighed, trying not to wake the sleeping woman next to her. She cracked her eyes open, feeling slightly dehydrated. It was hard to tell what time it was; the sky outside looked cloudy and rainy and the weather gave little indication as to what the time it might be.

She untangled her limbs from Dana, carefully sliding of the bed. Stella opened the window before she walked to the bathroom; the rest of the house still quiet. It was almost 11am when she returned to Dana. The lukewarm diet coke wasn’t as nice as she had imagined it to be but it was all she had. She went back to bed, the cold air creating a lovely contrast on her warm face.

„Stella,“ Scully groaned into her pillow.

Stella spooned her, wrapping her arm and leg around Dana, her hand on her warm and flat stomach.

„Morning,“ Stella whispered against the soft skin of her neck, closing her eyes because she wasn’t ready to leave the little bubble they had created last night.  
„Mhm,“ Scully replied, still not sure how she felt; she refused to open her eyes but Stella’s arms wrapped around her body were a wonderful thing to wake up to.

„You gonna be sick?“ Stella asked.

„Undecided,“ Scully mumbled. „You?“

„Nah,“ she said.

Stella had a feeling that a fresh cup of coffee would do wonders now. Scully slowly turned around, facing Stella.

„Wanna get some coffee?“ Scully asked, knowing that this was exactly what Stella wanted.

„Sounds like a good plan.“

„You might have to put up with my brother,“ Scully said quietly.

„I’m more concerned about Mulder,“ she said and played with a strand of Dana's hair.

„I’ll have a look downstairs,“ Scully said. „You can go and have a shower, I’ll make coffee.“

„I feel like I should be doing that for you,“ Stella said. „It’s your birthday after all.“

„I already have everything I need,“ Scully said and touched Stella’s soft lips with her fingertips.

„Happy Birthday, Dana,“ she said and kissed the fingers on her lips.

Scully slowly sat up on the edge of the bed and waited until the dizziness passed. She leaned over to kiss Stella before she left the room and made her way downstairs.  
She put her fluffy knitted cardigan on, trying to ignore the mess in her kitchen. It didn’t look quite so bad a couple of hours ago but maybe her judgment had been clouded a little. She started to clean while she waited for the coffee.  
„Why are you awake already?“ Scully asked when she saw that Charlie was getting up. She sat down in the armchair with a cup of coffee in her hands. He shrugged and reached for his glasses.

„Want coffee?“ Scully asked.

„Sounds great,“ he said.

„Kitchen,“ Scully simply said and laughed into her cup. She heard the shower run upstairs.

„That smells great,“ Mulder said and leaned against the doorframe. He ran a hand through his hair and yawned.

"I think I'm getting too old for this," Scully said, lost in thoughts while she sipped her coffee. 

She was fairly certain she could still smell Stella on her fingers and felt embarrassed; she needed to take a shower soon.

"Happy Birthday, Scully," Mulder said when he walked by, softly kissing her on top of her head.

"Thank you," she said again, touching the hand that rested on her shoulder.

"It was a wonderful party," she said and looked up at him.

"I'm sure it was," he said and smiled at her and she wondered how much he actually knew. He sat down at the kitchen table and Charlie joined him, then she remembered that Stella still had her over night bag in the car, meaning she had no clean clothes to put on.

She found her car keys and got the bag from the car, leaving it in the guest room. Scully finished her coffee and grabbed a fresh cup for Stella. She handed it to her while she sat on the bed, dressed in nothing but a towel.

"You're a lifesaver," Stella said and carefully sipped the coffee. "Does he... Know?“

Scully shook her head. "Don't think so," she said and sighed, feeling guilty all of a sudden. 

She knew this had to end, she had to be honest with him. Stella noticed the sudden change and rose from the bed.  
She held Dana's face between her hands, forcing them to look at each other.

"Not today, love," she said. "It's your birthday and you'll have a wonderful day because you deserve it.“

"Okay," Scully said.

"It can wait, at least one more day," Stella said. 

She had her fair share of horrible birthdays and she knew that Dana never celebrated hers and that was not how she wanted to her remember her birthday by.

"Promise me that?“

"I do," she said and kissed her before she went downstairs for a shower.

She said goodbye to Stella on her doorstep not too long after that. She knew she would see her again very soon. Although she would have loved to spend the day with Stella she knew there was no way she could made that happen but she had a different idea.

"When will you leave?" She asked her brother a little later.

"In a couple of days," he said with a smile. "How about dinner later? Unless you have other plans…"

"I'm not sure I do," she said. "But dinner sounds like a great idea.“

"I'll pick you up around 7pm?“

"That sounds good," she said. 

It would give her enough time to get in better shape and deal with the party-leftovers. She hugged him goodbye and smiled, thinking that not everything in her life was a terrible mess.

***

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	17. Then Hate Me Though Wilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/msr.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/msr.gif)   
> 

_Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,_  
_Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross;_  
_Join with the spite of fortune, make me bow,_  
_And do not drop in for an after-loss_ :  
_Ah, do not, when my heart hath ’scaped this sorrow,_  
_Come in the rearward of a conquered woe._  
_Give not a windy night a rainy morrow,_  
_To linger out a purposed overthrow._  
_If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,_  
_When other petty griefs have done their spite_  
_But in the onset come; so shall I taste_  
_At first the very worst of fortune’s might;_  
   _And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,_  
   _Compared with loss of thee will not seem so._

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 90 „Then Hate Me Though Wilt“]_

***

It’s been almost two weeks since her birthday and it has been a wonderful night, a sweet escape from the mess that had been surrounding her. Although the whole company had been somewhat strange, the night had ended in ways she wouldn’t even have dreamed about.  
It was something she remembered with shame and a sense of pride that put a smile on her lips whenever these images crossed her mind. She thought of herself, a much younger Dana Scully, and how appalled she would have been by her own behavior. She almost laughed at herself, thinking that she was starting to like it.  
Slowly, she was getting used to it, to her own little kind of freedom. It was something that made her feel less lonely. After all these years she didn’t feel invisible or worthless, she felt appreciated and loved in a way she hadn’t felt in decades and she couldn’t let that pass. She enjoyed every minute of it and she never wanted it to end and all of that would be a little less oppressing if it wasn’t for the guilt that was slowly eating her from the inside.  
She had never intended to treat Mulder like that, to avoid and lie to him the way she had been for the last couple of months. The truth was that, apart from everything that had happened, she didn’t want to hurt him. It sounded ridiculous, even to her own ears because it appeared far too late for that but she still had that thought of wanting to protect Mulder.  
She felt guilty without knowing why and it angered her. Stella had been right about one thing, after all these years he hadn’t had the guts to make it official. She didn’t know what it was that they had, they had never talked about being in a relationship, especially not after moving to England.  
It was something that was natural to both of them because it had always been that way but it made her wonder what the hell it was supposed to be. She couldn’t imagine herself living alongside Mulder without knowing what the real deal was; he had never asked her to marry him and now she wasn’t sure that’s what she wanted any longer. She sighed, thinking of Stella. Maybe she didn’t have a reason to feel guilty after all. She shouldn’t have lied but there was nothing wrong with allowing herself to fall in love again and she had. She had not just fallen in love with Stella Gibson, she had accepted that she loved her and, as scary as it seemed sometimes, the thought of being with Stella from now on was reassuring and it felt like the only right thing.

She couldn’t believe that she still hadn’t had the guts to tell him the truth. She had lost track of all the times she had been ready to do it but in the end she hadn’t been brave enough. Although she knew that nothing would ever be the same again a part of her was scared of his reaction and the fact that it would be final. She had been going back to Mulder as long as she could remember and not being able to do that, although she wanted to be with Stella, scared her. It had been something she could rely on and letting go was terrifying although it threatened to eat her up from the inside. 

What bothered her was that she had been avoiding Mulder, pushing him away, because she had never been one to run away from an argument but the truth was that Mulder’s ignorance made it even worse. He must have notice that things have been different, he’s a goddamn FBI Agent and she couldn’t believe that he had never noticed and she wondered why he had never confronted her, asked questions.  
Scully wasn’t sure whether he had been ignoring it for both of them or if he didn’t care enough to do something about it. She had never said anything because she had been scared, she knew that and maybe a part of her had been hoping that he would bring it up first but she couldn’t rely on him to do that for her. What hurt most was the thought that she had always tried so hard to make him feel better, to be there for him and somehow she felt like he couldn’t do that for her. After all these years it almost felt like she still wasn’t enough, not worth fighting for because he would have done it already if it mattered to him.

She poured herself a cup of coffee when she heard the front door. A couple of moments later, Mulder walked in. He watched Scully from behind, pouring herself a cup of coffee. He had missed her a lot; quietly he watched the beautiful woman that he had fallen in love with so many years ago. He still loved her just as much although he knew that things had changed within the last couple of months. There was that small voice inside his head, quietly nagging away. He had thought about Stella and how things had changed ever since Scully had met her. He had been happy for her because she had finally found a friend and it hadn’t taken long until he started to think that it must be a little more than friendship although it seemed hard to believe. 

They had never really talked about this, apart from joking about her being with other women, he hadn’t given that any serious thoughts. He knew that Scully loved and cared deeply and she loved people for who they are, more so then she cared about their gender. It was an ability he secretly admired until it all had gotten a bit too real. He hadn’t talked to her about it, he didn’t want to come across the wrong way or hurt her feelings but, especially after her birthday, he had been certain. He had seen how comfortable they were with each other, how Scully appeared a little more relaxed and how they had touched each other when they thought no one was looking and yet there was a small part inside of him that didn’t want to believe it. He was losing her and it scared him; he had to admit that he hadn’t tried very hard recently but maybe it was time to make a step towards her.

Slowly he approached her from behind, putting his hands on her hips. He smelled her perfume, a familiar scent that reminded him of years and years spent together. He didn’t even remember the last time they had sex which had surprised him at first. He had blamed it on both of them being too busy but the truth was that they were never too busy to pleasure each other; he faintly remembered a time where they couldn’t even kept their hands off each other but that had been different.  
It was before she got pregnant and he had been abducted, when they had finally acknowledged each other’s feelings and had to catch up on seven years of suppressed feelings. There was another time when they had been on the run from the FBI. He had finally been reunited with Scully and they had just lost their son and while they spent their days hiding from the FBI there wasn’t much they could do except for spending hours in bed and it had been fine until it hadn’t been enough for her. She had given up when she had decided to leave. He knew that he hadn’t been innocent in all of this, maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough but it had hurt him still. There was only one more time when this had happened and it was when she had agreed to come to England with him. Within the first couple of months of leaving Washington behind they had had a lot of sex but he was starting to realize that it hadn’t just been purely pleasure. Maybe it had been a way of easing the sorrow and the loneliness that she had felt in the beginning and he had failed to acknowledge it somehow. After a while even this had stopped but within the last couple of months things had started to be different. 

„Hey,“ Mulder said and leaned in, placing a soft kiss on the exposed skin of her shoulder. 

She was still dressed in black slacks and a dark purple shirt that hugged her body tightly. He liked that one, it exposed the soft skin of her shoulders with a low cut cleavage that he had always appreciated. He knew she had been working at university because she preferred to wear more comfortable and practical clothes in the hospital. She had kicked off her shoes by the door, making her tiny enough for him to put his chin on top of her head. 

He had expected her to lean in, to sigh softly at the touch of his lips just like she had all those years ago when it was everything they had had. When they had first started admitting their feelings and it had been the sweetest part of his day. She would lean into him, snuggled against his chest while he hugged her tightly. What he didn’t expect was the way her body tensed a little at his touch. She looked into her cup of coffee, her head bowed down. She felt herself tense, she hadn’t meant for it to happen, it just took her by surprise. Scully took a deep breath, trying to relax. She leaned back a little, feeling uncertain all of a sudden. She didn’t want to be rude or harsh. 

„Hey,“ she said and cleared her throat; she didn’t move any further. 

She felt his hands on her hips, his body leaning into her but there was something inside of her that didn’t want this any longer. She wanted Stella, she wanted her hands on her body. She didn’t want to betray her in any way and feeling Mulder’s hands now made her somewhat uncomfortable. 

He noticed her reaction but he wouldn’t give up, he needed to know what was going on and why she was avoiding him. He constantly felt that he was doing something wrong and it angered him that she refused to talk to him. 

„How was your day?“ he asked, his breath hot against the skin of her neck.  
Scully closed her eyes, taking a slow breath. All of this used to be distracting, made her turn around and melt against his body but not this time. She just couldn’t do it any longer. 

„It was… quiet,“ she said, his lips leaving feather-light kisses on her neck. „Mulder,“ she said calmly and put her hands on top of his to stop him from moving any further. „I can’t do this,“ she said.

„What is it?“ he asked without taking his mouth off her, his hands slowly finding its way beneath the soft fabric of her shirt. 

„I can’t,“ she said and sighed. 

She knew what he wanted, what he was implying but she couldn’t give in. She turned around and put a hand on his chest. 

„Sorry,“ she said and walked into the living room, leaving a slightly hurt Mulder behind. 

„What’s the matter with you?“ he asked when he walked into the living room, finding Scully curled up on the couch. 

She shrugged, trying to suppress the anger she felt. 

„Care to tell me?“ he asked and she didn’t miss the slight trace of disappointment in his voice.

„It’s nothing,“ she said and played with the corner of the pillow. 

„Really?“ he asked, finding himself angered by her defensive behavior. „That’s how we’re going to do this?“

„I just can’t do it anymore“ Scully said with a sigh. She had wanted his attention for such a long time, something she never got and she felt that this moment has long been gone. „I’m just not in the mood.“

„That’s not what this is about,“ he said and walked into the room. She didn’t care to get up, let alone look at him. 

„Enlighten me then,“ she said because she wasn’t in the mood to play games. She felt impatient and annoyed. 

„That’s what I’m asking you to do,“ he said. „I’m not the one hiding things,“ he said and she felt caught for a moment, trying not to let that give herself away. He didn’t know whether that was true but he didn’t know what else to say. 

„And it just bothers you know?“ she said defensively, laughing to herself. „Wow,“ she whispered and shook her head. 

It had always hurt her a little that he had never noticed it because she had wanted him to. She had wanted him to noticed because she needed to know that he still cared but he hadn’t. She had been pushing him away for months now but he had never bother to mention it.

„So, there is something,“ he said more to himself, sitting down in the armchair opposite her. „Why didn’t you talk to me?“ he asked, he didn’t want to accuse her of anything or make wild guesses because he knew they were walking on thin ice here. 

„You know you can always talk to me, Scully,“ he said and she wondered if he really hadn’t noticed. 

„No,“ she whispered and shook her head. „I used to… many years ago, Mulder. That time is gone, it has been for years and you know that.“ 

It made her angry now because this was the problem they had had for so long; it wasn’t like she hadn’t tried to talk to him before. 

He put his face in his hands, trying to take a deep breath. 

„What happened?“ he asked again. 

„You really don’t know?“ she asked because she couldn’t quite believe that they were having this conversation. „It has been like this for years Mulder, even when we lived in that house together all that mattered were conspiracy theories,“ she said feeling slightly frustrated. 

„Oh, really,“ he said, wondering why she was so bitter all of a sudden. 

„I left it behind for a reason, Mulder,“ she said. 

„And yet you kept coming back,“ he said and she hated the fact that he was right. 

„Why did you even ask me?“ she asked and he knew that she was referring to the time he had asked her to come to England with him. 

„You could have come here without me,“ she said. „You’ve been doing pretty well with doing stuff on your own.“

„I asked you because I needed you around,“ he said. „And I wanted to be with you.“

„You needed me because it has always been that way, it was just something you could rely on in your life and yet it has never been enough,“ Scully said. 

„Do you regret coming to England?“ he asked. 

„I did,“ she said. „In the beginning. I felt lonely and I hated it…“ she said. 

He wanted to ask her why she had never trusted him with these thoughts and why she had thought that she couldn’t confide in him but he knew he wouldn’t get an answer to that. 

„I hated you because you asked me to come with you,“ she almost whispered and looked at him. „I hated myself because I couldn’t say ‚no‘ and you knew that,“ she said. 

„I’m sorry I made your life so miserable,“ he said and she knew he was hurt. „I wanted you with me because you are my life,“ he said but she couldn’t believe him.  
„You left to chase ghosts and I’m tired of it,“ she said. „I can’t do this anymore, Mulder. I want a normal life for once!“ She sighed, feeling sad. 

She had wanted a life with him; there was a time when she couldn’t imagine anything else and it had hurt so much to see that picture crumble in front of her eyes. 

„I didn’t know you hated it so much,“ he said. 

„I didn’t hate it, Mulder but it is time to move on and leave the past be,“ she said. „I don’t want to go back any more and deal with things that have ruined most of my life!“ she didn’t need a constant reminder of why she had lost so many family members or how she had been forced to give up her child, she wanted to leave this behind. 

She was starting to accept that she couldn’t do that with him because these memories would always be hovering above them, always be lingering in the shadows. She knew that he would always be her weakness and she couldn’t possibly move on if she stayed. 

„You could have quit,“ he said and leaned back in his chair. „Leave it all behind before it was too late.“

„It would have never been over,“ she said. „You know that and after everything that had happened I couldn’t just turn my back on it. I tried to do it for you and for everything they had taken away from me but now it is time to let go,“ she said, feeling sad and angry. 

„I spent my life chasing ghosts, getting myself involved in alien government conspiracy theories, I got abducted by strangers but hey, I went back anyway, giving up my career in medicine and I never solved a goddamn case!“ 

„So all of it was nothing but a joke?“

„Are you kidding me? After everything that has happened you think that this was a joke to me?“ she almost yelled. 

She threw her pillow away, getting up from the couch. She needed to do something, needed to move around. 

„It was my fucking life because I made the decision to be with you but that was years ago,“ she said. „I needed to leave this behind before it killed me and I couldn’t watch you ruin your own life any longer.“

„I was trying to find the truth!“

„The truth about what?“ she yelled, feeling slightly desperate. „For years you had been looking for the truth and when you finally found it you still couldn’t let go, you kept looking for… something. You made up excuses, got involved in something because you needed it… you were chasing ghosts.“

„I needed prove,“ he said. „You knew that and I thought we had been in this together.“

„But at what price, Mulder?“ she asked a little quieter. „Nothing was ever enough, no amount of pain great enough to make you stop. You lost sight of everything around you, even me,“ she said, feeling sad all of a sudden. 

„You wanna know why I left that house?“ she asked and felt the tears brim in her eyes. „Why I left it all behind after working myself to exhaustion at the hospital for months? I couldn’t breathe,“ she whispered. „I couldn’t look at you any more, I didn’t wanna come home because I knew you’d be there. No matter what I did, it didn’t seem enough and it took away all the strength I had and I couldn’t fight for both of us.“

„I never knew you were in so much pain,“ he said. „But you weren’t the only one suffering.“

„Because all you ever paid attention to were ghosts,“ she said and wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. „What do you think I was feeling? I had just given up my son…“

„He was my son too!“ he said and she knew she had hit a nerve. „I lost my son, too.“

She took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling, cautioning herself not to say what was on her mind. A small part inside of her whispered that he never really knew their son because he hadn’t been there. He hadn’t been there to hold her hand, and tell her it would all be okay when he was born. It wasn’t quite the way she had imagined things to go. It wasn’t the quiet and intimate home birth she had wanted for her baby boy, with no one but Mulder around. Being stranded in the middle of nowhere, delivering her baby in an old shack while she feared that strangers would take him away wasn’t exactly the dream she had had and she was still angry at him for not being there.  
He had taken them to the hospital afterwards but she had always hated him for not being there and take away the fear and nothing would ever make that feeling go away. 

He had never been around, except for that brief moment when she had put William in his arms and kissed him without knowing if she’d ever see him again. He hadn’t known him, or the fear that she had been living with ever since, always fearing that it was just a dream. She had been terrified, thinking that something would happen sooner or later and in the end he hadn’t been there when she had been forced to make the hardest decision of her life. She had suffered all by herself when she had given William up for adoption. She had put his clothes away, things he had never seen, and tried to erase all evidence to make the pain fade until there had been nothing left but a picture of her baby boy that was still the most treasured thing she possessed. 

Scully looked at the ceiling, covering her face in her hands before she started laughing. There was nothing funny about the whole situation, it was rather tragic to be honest and she knew that there was no way this would end peacefully. She was fighting against years of pain, frustration and anger; decades of suppressed emotions threatened to overwhelm her. It was just a matter of time for her to lose that battle and give in to it. There were so many things raging through her mind at this very moment that she felt incapable of dealing with it. While she felt a tremendous amount of guilt for having lied to Mulder she also felt an incredible need to hurt him for what he had done or failed to do so; it was exactly what Stella had been doing for her ever since they had met. She had tried to see Dana, to understand her and to make sure she wouldn’t get lost in the mess that her life had turned into. 

He looked at her, the anger boiling beneath the surface. He knew her; it was just a matter of time until she would push him away again and shut him out but he needed answers. He couldn’t stand her for trying to avoid a confrontation because he needed the damn truth. 

„I was in pain too, Scully“ he said again because he didn’t know what to do and it made him furious. „This is it? This is all you’re going to say?“

She took a deep breath and dropped her hands. 

„Yes, maybe this is it,“ she whispered. „Maybe we should just leave it.“  
Maybe there was no point in discussing this now; there was pain that threatened to make them hurt each other even more.

„So, we’re going to ignore this and you’ll just run away again?“ he said and she opened her mouth to defend herself but it left her speechless for a moment. 

„What?“ she asked because she still couldn’t believe he was blaming it on her.

„Don’t blame this on me,“ she said and started pacing the room. „It’s not like you gave me a reason to stay… you let me go!“

„What was I supposed to do?“ he said angrily and got up. „Hold you back?“ 

„Yes!“ she yelled. „Yes, that’s what you should have done if it had meant something!“ 

„You know this is not true, Scully!“ he said loudly. „I let you go because I didn’t want to force you into something that was obviously so miserable for you!“

„That’s not the point, Mulder!“ she said, feeling incredibly frustrated. Somehow she felt like they weren’t getting anywhere. „I left because I couldn’t take it any more, because things were broken and no one seemed to be able to fix it!“

„You were the one pushing me away!“ he said in his defense. „Just like you’re doing now! You have been doing it these past couple of months!“ 

She looked at him, trying to say something but it had taken her off guard somehow. He had noticed it after all but what she didn’t understand was why he had never bothered to confront her about it. 

„You know it’s true Scully, I can see it in your face. Don’t you dare deny it!“

„Right,“ she said a little quieter. „Why did you never say anything? It never felt like you actually cared! All the time I wondered why you never mentioned it…“

„So it’s my fault now because I haven’t said anything?“ he wanted to know and she knew she wasn’t being fair but she didn’t know if there was a point any longer. „Has it been so horrible for you?“

She thought about that for a few seconds, trying not to look at him. She wondered what he expected off her, what he wanted to hear but there was no point in lying and denying it any longer. 

„Yes,“ she whispered and a tremendous wave of sadness washed over her. „Yes, it has,“ she said quietly and felt the fresh tears pool in her eyes. „You wanna know why? Because I have been lonely and… I just can’t do this anymore. The whole time I thought that things were going to change. I came here with you because I thought that, being so far away from everything that has gone wrong in our past, would help but I feel like some things will never change.“

„I’m sick of being in second place while you’re chasing ghosts,“ she said and ignored the tears rolling down her cheeks. „I’m sick of all of it, sick of feeling lonely and invisible. I’ve always wondered what I’ve been doing wrong but maybe I just wasn’t enough,“ she said quietly and hugged herself. 

„I’ve been pushing you away because I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to protect myself.“

„You didn’t seem to be pushing Stella away,“ he said quietly but she knew that he was angry. She looked him straight in the eye and waited because there was more to come. 

„What did you expect me to do? You never said a word, you just ran the other way and thought it would solve things? I guess it doesn’t matter now that you have someone else? You seemed awfully close with your dear Stella,“ he said. „You weren’t pushing her away!“

Scully bit her lip and waited.

„No, I wasn’t,“ she said softly. 

„You stay away for days and nights, coming up with excuses and you expect me not to notice that something is going on?“

„You never seemed to mind,“ she said. „You seemed so busy with… whatever you were doing!“ she raised her voice, wanting the whole thing to be over already. 

„You can’t even tell me the truth now?“

„You wanna know what’s going on?“ she said louder. „You wanna know the truth? Well, I love Stella,“ she yelled at him and held her breath, stunned by her own outbreak. 

„I love her because she makes me feel good about myself and I wasn’t lonely anymore,“ she couldn’t stop yelling at him and, although he hadn’t said a single word, she felt the need to keep going. 

„I didn’t feel invisible anymore,“ she said and let herself fall back on the sofa, the strength drained from her body all of a sudden. She laid her face in her hands and took a deep breath. 

„You love her?“ he asked, feeling slightly taken aback. 

„Yes,“ she whispered against her hand; she couldn’t even look at him. 

„How long have you known?“ he asked, eerily quiet all of a sudden. 

She shrugged, trying to find the right words to say. 

„I never meant for it to happen,“ she said. 

„How long?“ he repeated his question. 

„I don’t know!“ she said desperately and threw her hands in the air. „We just… met back in September during the storm. She helped me when I got hurt,“ she said and didn’t even know why she was explaining herself. 

He looked at her, trying to process what she had just told him. It suddenly seemed so clear to him; there were so many little things that made sense now. All those nights that she had stayed away; the way she had reacted when he ran into them in London to pick her up from work. She hadn’t been at the hospital around Christmas because she had lied to him; a while ago a friend had told him that he had seen Scully with another woman in the park but he had never given it much thought before. He thought of her birthday and how he had invited Stella. Their familiarity had bothered him somehow and it now appeared to him that it was a little more than drunk affection. 

„I didn’t mean to fall in love,“ she said defensively. 

She knew that, if she had been happily in love and in a healthy relationship, all of this probably wouldn’t have happened. 

He ran his hand through his hair, trying to find the right words to say. He wouldn’t blame her for falling in love with someone else. He wanted her to be happy he was just disappointed that she never tried to talk to him. After all this time she had not been able to talk to him, instead she had lied to him for months and that hurt even more than any kind of betrayal. 

„Say something for god’s sake!“ she demanded but he just shook his head. „Oh, who’s running away now?“

„I just don’t get how… how you lied to me for months!“ he said quietly. „I can’t even be mad at you. I’m just… disappointed and you seem to have made up your mind.“

She opened her mouth to say something but it felt like a blow to her chest, knocking the breath out of her lungs. He had given up, he wouldn’t even fight for her and it simply confirmed what she had feared for a while. It wasn’t enough anymore, it didn’t matter and it was over once and for all. 

„I really don’t know what to say,“ he said quietly and left the room. 

She couldn’t follow him so she sat in silence and felt the weight on her shoulders, crushing her slowly. 

He sighed, his face in his hands. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to take a deep breath. He felt exhausted and deflated after their long-overdue argument. They both knew that it was something that had been lingering between them for years now but he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it. He felt empty inside but he didn’t want to cry; there was nothing left. 

An eery silence had settled upon the house, the yelling had faded and both fighters had retreated to their respectable corners before it was time to pick up the pieces of their shattered relationship, or whatever was left of the romance that had once been. 

It was quiet, except for the heart-wrenching sobs that came from the living room. He was furious at Scully but he couldn’t quite say why; he knew it hadn’t been easy for her and he had screwed up far too many times. He wanted to be mad at her because it hurt that she had found someone else but listening to the sound of her cries melted his heart and the need to hold her in his arms outweighed the feeling for revenge. 

He sighed and walked into the living room, carefully approaching her because he couldn’t tell how she might react. What if she didn’t even want him around any longer? He wasn’t sure if he could deal with just another rejection but he forced himself to man up and take whatever she threw his way. 

„Scully,“ he said softly and sat down on the small coffee table in front of her.

She still had her face in her hands, refusing to look at him. She was confused and emotionally drained but at the same time there was an overwhelming need to feel him, to be with him. She knew it was wrong, it shouldn’t be there because she had ignored him for so long but the crushing argument had left her needy. It had reminded her that things were getting serious and that there would be no going back and it scared her all of a sudden. 

„Hey,“ he said softly, trying to reach for her hands. She didn’t want it, knowing that she would just break if she gave in. 

„Come here,“ he said and rose, pulling her to her feet. 

She leaned against his chest, hesitant at first. She cried against his chest, allowing him to wrap his arms around her.  
She felt guilty and absolutely heartbroken. Despite everything she had said and done she knew that not everything had been bad. She had chosen this life and she had done that for a reason and that had been the man who held her in his arms now. She had loved him deeply and a part of her still did and always would. 

She looked up at him, her face tear-stained and reddened. He raised his hands, quietly wiping the tears off her face. She didn’t look away, knowing that they were walking on thin ice. Mulder cupped her face with both hands but he didn’t move. He wanted to give her a chance to refuse, to get away from it. Mulder knew that this was the end, it might not be a farewell but it marked the end of the relationship they had had. If this was over now, the last thing he wanted to remember wasn’t a heart-breaking argument but one last kiss. 

„Mulder, don’t,“ she whispered flush against his lips when he leaned in but she made no move to back away at all. 

She stayed in his arms, knowing where this was going but she didn’t have the strength to leave. Her resolve slowly crumbled; she knew that it would be the last time and this time there would be no going back. 

He put his hand in her neck, pulling her closer. Her lips crushed against Mulder’s, parting hungrily. She gasped at the sensation, a feeling that had long been forgotten. It was bittersweet and desperate; she moaned into his mouth, her hands digging into the soft flesh of his back. He broke the kiss, pulling her head back to leave a trail of kisses on the exposed skin of her throat. She closed her eyes, moaning softly when his other hand, cupped her breast through the fabric of her bra. She felt the forbidden pleasure rush through her body, praying that he wouldn’t be too rough because the last things she needed was any marks visible on her skin but she couldn’t blame him either. 

She felt an unknown emotion well up in her chest, a dangerous mixture of longing desire and guilt, but there was warmth too. She craned her neck, almost standing on her tiptoes to pull him down for another kiss, deepening the contact while she moaned into his mouth. She still didn’t know what it was that fascinated her so much, what kept making her go back to him for such a long time; her train of thoughts was interrupted by his nimble fingers, stripping her off her clothes.  
It wasn’t loving and sexy, it was pure need to be close to each other and the clothes between them proved to be a rather annoying obstacle. He turned her around in his arms and Scully gasped at the surprise; he cupped her breasts from behind, his hands squeezing hard. She felt her nipples harden under his rough administrations, the forbidden pleasure going straight to her aching core. Her panties were damp, his erection pressing firmly against her back.

She arched into the touch, squirming in his tight grip. His breath was hot against the skin of her neck, her lips parted on a soft moan. She wanted to feel him as much as she wanted to get away but his soft mouth on her body, sucking a little too hard, made her pant in anticipation with no strength left to put an end to it. There was no more guilt as her body was shamelessly betraying her; she wanted to hate Mulder for everything that had happened but her soaked panties, the smell of arousal and her flushed chest did nothing to back up her claims. 

There wouldn’t be much of a foreplay, no sweet words whispered in ecstasy. They’d fuck hard and fast and put an end to it and she was okay with that. His hands fumbled with the button of her trousers, sliding beneath the damp fabric of her lace panties. She gasped in shock when his fingers found her wet and swollen center without much preamble, softly moaning while he eagerly spread her juices. Scully put a hand in his neck, pulling him down her another kiss. He didn’t even comment on how wet she was and she knew he’d always loved to tease her about it.  
She bit her lip, trying to suppress the long moan that escaped her lips when his fingers pumped in and out of her. His other hand reached up to grab her by the base of her neck, pulling her hair back. Scully whimpered softly, trying to hold on to Mulder because there was nothing else around. For a split second she feared that he might draw it out, that he would tease her until she couldn’t take it anymore. 

She felt her knees go weak, leaning onto his hand to increase the friction while he fingered her until she cried out and the orgasm washed over her. She felt the warmth; sharp pangs of pleasure rushing through her tummy, a fine layer of sweat covering her body. There wasn’t much time to gather her wits; he pulled her trousers down and she kicked them aside when they pooled by her feet. His hand ran down the length of her spine, not even bothering to strip her off her bra. He bent her over, instantly parting her legs while she tried to hold on to the back of the couch. He ran two fingers through her slick and swollen folds before he thrust into her in on swift motion, causing her to cry out before her lips parted on a strangled moan while she tried to get used to the sensation and the feeling of him filling her.  
He put his hands on her hips, his fingers digging into her flesh while her pounded into her mercilessly; she knew she’d be sore in the morning. While the yelling, and the accusations had faded, there was nothing but the soft moans and the sound of their heavy breathing filling the room. 

He fucked her hard, like he meant it. It was as if he didn’t want her to forget that very last time. It wasn’t often that they had sex like this; fucking without a trace of romance or other shenanigans. He’d stop if she asked him to, if she really meant it but right now she didn’t mind at all. He held on to her, kicking off his trousers without letting go. Her moans faded, the words from her lips were nothing but an inaudible mess and he knew that she was close. The whole thing wasn’t bound to be dragged out but he wanted to see her face while he made her come, he needed to watch her. 

His hands left her hips, opening the clasp of her bra before his hands cupped her breasts from behind. Her sensitive nipples were hard against the palm of his hand and he squeezed and teased her until she whimpered softly beneath him. Mulder pulled her body flush against his, arching her back. She groaned in frustration when he pulled out of her and immediately missed that feeling. She craved a release, needed it badly. Her entire body was tense and aching, every nerve on fire with the impending release that she awaited impatiently. 

He turned her around and Scully put his arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hungry kiss. He laid one arm around her hip, effortlessly lifting her up while she wrapped her legs around him. She welcomed being manhandled like this because there was no way she could walk. Scully closed her eyes, letting him carry her wherever he was headed. A few seconds later he gently lowered her onto the bed. Scully looked up at him now that she was on her back and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Without giving it a second thought she spread her legs, inviting him to continue where they left off. 

Mulder wrapped his arms around her thighs, pulling her closer before he pushed back into her. Scully cried out in pleasure, covering her face with her hands while a few drops of sweat pooled in the valley off her breasts. He pulled her hips down, causing her to whimper. She could barely form a coherent thought while he fucked her into oblivion. The heat was so intense that she could hardly take it. It flushed her chest and put the color into her cheeks. She felt the sweat wetting the hair at the base of her neck, sticking to her back. The emotion was so overwhelming that it brought tears to her eyes when his thumb found its way to her aching center, slowly circling her throbbing clit. She felt the tears run down the side of her face. It wasn’t just the feeling of being with him for one last time but all the more the overwhelming sensation while he fucked her oh so deep and she couldn’t take it anymore and she knew she would hate herself the moment the release washed over her and reality would set back in. Every muscle in her body was screaming for release and she felt so wet, swollen and ready. 

He put his hands on her hips to keep her still while she squirmed beneath him through the last thrusts before she tilted her head back on a long moan and the orgasm crushed over her. Her body was shaking through the aftermath of her release and the blood pounded in her ears. He came inside of her and collapsed on top, put his head on her chest and then it was quiet. She didn’t know how long they stayed like this; she absentmindedly played with his hair, while she stared at the ceiling. It wasn’t the usual post-orgasmic bliss that lulled her into a deep and careless sleep but more of an awakening from a nightmare with her surroundings slowly gathering shape again. She was absolutely shattered; exhausted, moved and empty at the same time. 

It was the sober feeling that came hand in hand with guilt that made her bite her lip while the fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She was tired but she knew she had to get away. She couldn’t possibly stay the night because she needed to clear her head and come to terms with what they had just done. He rolled off, exposing her sweaty skin to the cool air. It didn’t take long until she started to shiver, goosebumps lining her skin while she had a sudden urge to cover herself and be a little more decent.  
Mulder was on his back next to her and she wondered whether he was asleep but she couldn’t turn her head to make sure; it almost felt like she couldn’t look him in the eye at all. She was sweaty and dirty, shabby because of what she had just done and how she had betrayed Stella only because her mind hadn’t been able to make a rational decision. She was disgusted by her own behavior and she knew she had to do something but staying here wasn’t an option. She covered her mouth with her hand and tried to push the regret from her mind. 

Slowly, she rose from the bed clenching her thighs together while she walked. She shut the bathroom door to get rid of the sticky mess between her legs and didn’t bother to look at her own reflection while she washed her hands and splashed her face with water. She took the blue bra, that she had left on the edge of the bathtub the night before, and put it on before she threw her toothbrush and a few other things into her wash bag, trying to ignore the sadness that was rooting within her. Scully left the bathroom to find Mulder sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing a pair of sweatpants.  
She walked to her wardrobe, took out a few things and put on a long-sleeved shirt. She still had a few things at Stella’s place but she wasn’t sure she’d be heading there tonight. 

„Scully,“ he said quietly and she hated the sound of sadness in his voice. 

It threatened to shatter the defenses she had tediously been trying to set up within the last few moments. 

„What are you doing?“ he asked, running his hand through his hair. 

It was obvious that she was packing a few things but he didn’t know what else to say; it appeared that everything had been said for now. 

„I can’t stay,“ she simply said without looking at him. 

He sighed and followed her into the living room where it all had started not too long ago but it felt like an eternity already. She picked up the bra, that he had stripped her off a while ago, and threw it into her overnight bag, looking for her hand bag. 

„I’ll call you,“ she said and looked at him, pursing her lips. 

  
[](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/smutdrawing.jpg)   
  
[](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/smutdrawing.jpg)   


He nodded without saying a word and for a second she wasn’t sure what to do. There was a part of her that wanted to hug him, kiss him goodbye but she wasn’t certain that this would be the most appropriate thing at the moment. 

A couple of minutes later she sat in the silent confines of her car, feeling numb and devastated by what she had done. She felt dirty and awful, desperately craving a shower to wash the feeling and the smell of sex off her body. She wanted to talk to someone but she was too ashamed by what she had done that it gradually limited the possibilities of people to talk to. She knew that Elizabeth wouldn’t judge her but she was working at the hospital tonight; Scully had briefly considered driving over to take a quick shower and get some sleep but there would be too many people asking too many questions and she couldn’t deal with that right now. She wanted to be with Stella, to cry against her shoulder and tell her how awful it had all been but considering what she had just done to Stella and that she had had it coming that wasn’t an option. Maybe she’d just have to suck it up and deal with it all by herself, maybe she deserved it. 

About an hour later she checked into the Malmaison, sending out a silent prayer because it wasn’t fully booked. She ignored the horrendous prices while she paid for her room; the only thing she wanted was a long hot shower, sleep and a couple of hours of pretending that none of this ever happened. She stepped into her room on the sixth floor, shut the door and dropped on the bed. Scully sat there for a couple of moments without knowing what to do next. She still felt him all over her body, his fingers pinching her sensitive nipples, his cock fucking her until she had considered to beg him to stop. She looked at her hands, wondering whether this was where it would all end and if she had lost two people tonight. 

Her mind barely had time to think about all the horrible things they had said to each other before they had ended up fucking; she couldn’t let that get to her now. Maybe one day they’ll be able to talk about it again in a less harmful and more rational way. Scully felt restless, nervously fidgeting with her hands in her lap. She was hiding in this room, no one knew where she was and it was just as calming as it was unsettling. She had a sudden urge to get drunk and fall into a dreamless slumber but the minibar barely offered enough of what she needed and she didn’t have the strength to go out and get something else. She sighed and pushed that thought away; deep inside she knew that it was a stupid idea and that it would simply be another thing on her list of regrets in the morning. 

She rose from the bed, every part of her body suddenly aching with the effort. She quietly winced at the sore feeling between her legs and stripped off her clothes on the way to the bathroom. She left a trail of clothes behind, not bothering to pick them up. She smelled him on her skin, the sticky feeling of sex clinging to it like a taunting reminder of what she had done. Scully stepped into the shower, the hot water slicing down her skin. She gasped at the sensation, goosebumps covering her skin. The water was almost too hot but she didn’t care. She put her palms on the tiles, bowed her head and closed her eyes. She felt so detached from the moment and her own body, suddenly drained of all her strength. She had felt empty after their argument that she had craved human touch to remind her that there was still something left inside of her and she had given in and the brief feeling of rough pleasure had left her feeling emptier than before. 

She tried to take a deep breath but the pressure on her chest threatened to suffocate her. It almost felt like she was drowning and there was nothing to hold on to. It was here that she had spent her first night with Stella, back when everything had been new and confusing. She still remembered how she had asked her to dance, how Stella had laughed but given in anyway and it had turned into one of the sweetest memories that she possessed. She wanted to hold on to it and treasure it because she didn’t know how long that would last. She scrubbed herself down with the shower gel she found, it smelled faintly of lemon and herbs but everything seemed better than sex and betrayal. 

She wrapped her towel around herself and returned to bed. Scully stared at her phone, ignoring the urge to call Stella. She needed time to think and sleep and, figure out what to do. She turned her phone off and sighed; she remembered that she still had some pain medication in her bag and while there was a voice inside her head urging her not to, she reached for it anyway. The last time she had had food was some time around noon and the cup of coffee she had poured herself when Mulder had interrupted her, was still on the counter when she had left the house. 

A couple of minutes later the room was dark and quiet and she found herself lingering on the edge of sleep, her mind drifting in and out of consciousness. She let go, her body finally relaxing as it slipped into a deep and dreamless sleep. She didn’t even know what time it was when she finally closed her eyes and she didn’t bother to set her alarm clock because she had nowhere to be in the morning.

***

It almost felt like she had just closed her eyes when her senses slowly came back to life. She couldn’t open her eyes just yet, her eyelids felt heavy and her body was still drowsy with sleep and the remnants of drugs in her system. There was a pounding headache that made her slightly nauseous and she wondered whether she’d be sick. Scully tried to take slow deep breaths, groaning while she turned on her side. She blinked a few times before she cracked an eye open; it was raining and grey outside.

She propped herself up on one elbow, reaching for her phone. It was almost 10am and, although she couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually slept so long, she didn’t feel well-rested at all. She still felt exhausted and clammy although she was still naked beneath the robe she was wearing. Scully turned her phone on, wondering if she had been missed when the reality dawned on her and she was tempted to drop her phone and go back to sleep. 

Mulder had not called her but there were a dozen messages and missed calls from Stella, asking why she wasn’t answering her damn phone and Scully felt the guilt return; it seized her mercilessly and that scared her.  
She took a deep breath and stared at the screen, waiting for the next incoming call because she didn’t have he strength to dial herself. It took about three minutes until Stella’s name lit up the screen and Scully picked up. She put the phone to her ear and laid on her side while she stared out of the window.  
„Hey,“ Dana said softly while she waited for Stella’s voice. 

„Dana?“ Stella said and Scully knew that she was angry. „Where the hell are you? I’ve been trying to call you last night and I got nothing but your voice mail,“ she said angrily, trying to calm down. 

„Why did you just disappear without a word?“ she said and sighed. 

Scully tried to find the right words, she was taken aback by the anger in Stella’s voice but then she realized that Stella has simply been worried and it made her feel even worse. 

„I’m sorry,“ Scully said softly. „I didn’t mean to,“ she said with a horse voice and took a deep breath. 

She thought about taking something for the headache when she remembered that this was probably what had gotten her to that pitiful state. Maybe she should just get some water and food to start with. 

„Dana, are you okay?“ Stella asked, her voice changing because she sounded worried all of a sudden. 

„Just woke up,“ she said sleepily. 

„Where are you?“ Stella asked. „Are you at home?“ she wanted to know because something felt wrong. 

„No,“ she said and closed her eyes. 

„Where are you?“ Stella asked again. 

„Malmaison,“ Scully said and tried to keep her eyes open. 

„Just stay where you are, I’ll be there in a few minutes,“ Stella said with a strange feeling that something was off but she didn’t see the point in discussing it over the phone. 

„Okay,“ Scully whispered and ended the call. 

She knew that it wouldn’t take Stella long to get here because the hotel was in walking distance of her home. She dragged herself out of bed, feeling queasy and poorly; she got dressed in a slow haze and looked at herself in the mirror, feeling slightly disgusted by what she saw.  
She tried to make herself a little more presentable, knowing that her efforts were in vain. She felt a rush of panic overcome here because she still hadn’t made up her mind. She could be honest with Stella, put it out there and hope for the best or keep it to herself and let the untold lies eat her from the inside until she couldn’t take it anymore. 

She slipped the fresh underwear on, along with the shirt and a pair of yoga pants she had picked up last night. She crawled back into bed, hugging her pillow while she laid on her side and looked out of the window, slipping in and out of sleep. She was so exhausted that it cost a lot of strength to keep her eyes open; she still hoped that a bit of sleep would help to ease the nausea. She hadn’t even told Stella her room number but she was certain that she’d find a way to figure out which room she’d find her in. She was startled awake by a knock on the some time later; she sat up quickly, feeling confused all of a sudden. Her entire body was shaking and the shock rushed through her body. It took her a couple of seconds to gather her wits and she finally made her way to the door.  
She opened it to find Stella on the doorstep; Scully could tell that she wanted to be angry but that faded the moment she saw Dana. 

„Dana,“ Stella said softly. „Are you okay?“ she asked and stepped in.

„Yes,“ she whispered. „I didn’t mean to scare you.“

„I don’t understand,“ Stella said took off her coat, she wanted to know what the problem was but then she realized the pitiful condition Dana appeared to be in; her entire body was trembling and there was dark shadows under her eyes. 

Scully put her face in her hands and sighed. 

„Talk to me,“ Stella said and pulled her in for a hug. 

Scully hesitated for a moment before she melted against her. She wrapped her arms around Stella and closed her eyes. The familiar scent was utterly soothing; how easy it would be to tell her the truth now. She wanted to tell her, to be honest with her but she didn’t want to hurt Stella either, knowing that it didn’t seem to make sense. 

„You look awful,“ Stella said and held Dana’s face in her hands. „What happened?“

„I told him,“ Scully whispered and turned her head a little, placing a kiss on Stella’s palm. „It’s over.“

„Oh,“ Stella said; she was beginning to understand. 

„I don’t know what happened,“ Scully said. „We ended up having a terrible argument but… it’s over.“

„Wanna talk about it?“ Stella asked but Scully shook her head; it was too early. 

„Help me out,“ Stella said. „What do you need?“ she wanted to know but Dana shrugged. 

„Just lay with me?“ Scully said. „I really don’t feel good.“

„Okay,“ Stella said and settled on the bed behind Scully, hugging her tightly just like she had done it when Stella needed it after the attack. Stella placed a soft kiss on Dana’s temple. 

„Just tell me, why are we in a hotel when I literally live around the corner?“ 

„I didn’t want to bother you,“ Scully whispered against her hand. 

„Don’t say that,“ Stella said and looked up, getting Dana to turn around and face her. „You’re not bothering me, you never have and you never will,“ Stella brushed a strand of hair out of her face. 

She had made a promise to herself a while ago, she wouldn’t give up on them. She had never been good at the whole relationship thing but she couldn’t deny that it had made her life better in any way and she couldn’t give up now. She wanted it and she would fight for it. 

„Sorry,“ Dana said. „I just… I was so overwhelmed and confused. And I still feel sick.“

„Did you have something to eat?“ Stella asked and Scully shook her head. 

It didn’t sound appealing although a little bit of sugar would probably do wonders to her pitiful condition. 

„Can we just stay here for a little while?“ Scully said softly and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

She was too tired to worry or feel sorry for herself at this moment and everything she thought about was how she probably didn’t deserve Stella at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	18. No More Be Grieved At That Which Thou Hast Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/dvjfb9ah5/Stella_Scully_Phone.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/dvjfb9ah5/Stella_Scully_Phone.gif)   
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> 
> __

_No more be grieved at that which thou hast done._  
_Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud;_  
_Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,_  
_And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud._  
_All men make faults, and even I in this,_  
_Authórizing thy trespass with compare,_  
_Myself corrupting, salving thy amiss,_  
_Excusing these sins more than these sins are._  
_For to thy sensual fault I bring in sense—_  
_Thy adverse party is thy advocate—_  
_And 'gainst myself a lawful plea commence._  
_Such civil war is in my love and hate_  
   _That I an áccessory needs must be_  
   _To that sweet thief which sourly robs from me._

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 35]_

***

Scully sighed, having just finished a 12-hour shift at the hospital, one she had gratefully accepted not too long ago. She had returned to Oxford with the sole purpose of getting away from Stella because she couldn’t bear to look at her and lie to her face more than she already had. It has been a week since that grueling argument with Mulder, and everything that had happened when the yelling had subsided.

She closed the file and stifled a yawn. She was exhausted but she couldn’t stop; she couldn’t get herself to sit down for a moment and rest because it meant facing her inner demons and what she had done. She knew that a part of her was avoiding Stella at all costs which broke her heart because it was all she actually wanted. It wasn’t supposed to end like this but she should have known that it might end up in a disaster sooner or later; it had been bound to happen and she had had it coming. 

It had been a week and she felt stuck. She didn’t want to be in Oxford, so close to the place she used to call her home. A part of her missed going back to the house because all her things were there and she craved the familiarity. She wanted a place where she could hide and forget about the world; a place where she could pretend that nothing had ever happened. She couldn’t go home but staying with Stella didn’t feel like a permanent solution either. She wanted to be with Stella more than anything and she had thought that, being honest with Mulder, would finally bring clarity but she felt more confused than ever. She would love to be with Stella but she also wanted to get away because she was ashamed of what she had done and how she had allowed herself to be so weak for the second time in months. 

She felt awful for having to rely on Stella like that. She didn’t want to intrude and impose on Stella; she hated being dependent on others and how helpless it made her feel. She had considered sleeping at the hospital but she might ask Elizabeth to stay the night but then she remembered that she still owed her friend an explanation. 

„Care to tell me what’s going on?“ Elizabeth asked softly, standing next to her. She had started her night shift about half an hour ago, looking as well-rested as Scully would love to feel but it had been a while since she woke up feeling like that after a good night’s sleep. 

„Have you been avoiding me?“ she asked friendly and Scully bit her lip without looking at the woman next to her. 

„I was working,“ Scully said and tried to keep herself busy with the file she had just closed. 

„Mhm,“ Elizabeth hummed. „You look tired.“

„It’s been a long night,“ Scully said and faced her friend, smiling softly. 

She wanted her to know, wanted to tell her everything but she was so tired that she feared it might break her and she wasn’t ready for that, not here. She took a deep breath, feeling slightly queasy because she hadn’t had enough food or water all day. 

„That’s not what I meant,“ Elizabeth said with a sigh; she felt that Dana wouldn’t surrender easily. „What happened?“ she asked. 

She already had an idea but she wanted her to say it whenever she was ready.

Scully put the file away with a frustrated sigh and felt a wave of exhaustion wash over her.  
„I… I told him,“ she said and her voice was almost nothing but a whisper. There was an unexpected tightness in her chest but she refused to let that seize her now. 

„I understand,“ Elizabeth said and put her hand on Dana’s. „Tell me what you need.“

„I don’t know,“ she said and shook her head. 

„I suppose you’re not staying at home right now?“

„Trying not too,“ Scully said and took a deep breath. „I’m staying with Stella.“

„You don’t seem too happy about that,“ she said. 

„It just feels weird,“ she said. 

She couldn’t say what it was that she wanted right now, all she craved was a few hours of undisturbed sleep. Elizabeth reached into her pocket and put her key on the counter. 

„Go home, get some sleep and we’ll talk about it when I finish in the morning,“ she said and Scully gratefully accepted the offer. 

„Thank you,“ Scully said and Elizabeth pulled her into a hug.

„Gregory is on a business trip so you’ll have the house to yourself,“ she said and Scully leaned against her, enjoying the soothing feeling of comfort before she said goodbye and left the hospital; she didn’t even bother to get out of her scrubs.

***

A little while later she sat on the edge of the bed in Liz’ guest room, still wearing the same clothes she had left the hospital with. She had meant to take a shower, change into her spare clothes and go to sleep but the moment she had sat down she felt unable to move and do anything else. She sat there for quite some time, staring into nothing while she waited for something to happen. Scully didn’t know what exactly she was waiting for but she found herself unable to even lift her finger.  
She felt the same kind of emptiness that had taken hold of her months ago when she felt desperate and lonely. She sighed, feeling utterly exhausted. She wanted to cry and scream; she wanted to yell at someone and throw something but she kept it inside, hoping it would fade. She kept telling herself that a few hours of sleep would help to ease the nagging feeling although that small voice inside her head reminded her that she was simply trying to put off the obvious.

At some point she forced herself off the bed to find her phone and let Stella know that she wouldn’t drive all the way to London tonight. It had been a long day at the hospital and she needed to rest. She put her phone on the bedside table, switched off the lights and closed her eyes. She was incredibly tired but at the same time her mind was racing, refusing to leave her be. She knew it would be a restless night and she wondered how many times she’d wake up. She kept tossing and turning with the feeling of guilt and regret pulling on both sides. 

It felt like she had barely closed her eyes for about five minutes when the bed shifted a little and Scully woke from a restless sleep. Elizabeth sat on the edge with a cup of tea in her hand. 

„Morning,“ she said. 

„Already?“ Scully answered quietly, trying to ignore the headache that was throbbing against her temples. 

„Rough night?“ Elizabeth asked and Scully nodded. 

„Yours?“ 

„Surprisingly quiet,“ she said and put the cup on the bedside table. „Move a little,“ she said and Scully rolled over to give her some space. 

Scully laid on her side, hugging a pillow. She sighed, suddenly hating herself for not getting out of her clothes a couple of hours ago, desperately craving a shower. 

„So,“ Liz said and settled back against the pillows. „You want to tell me what happened?“

„I already did,“ Scully said, knowing that she was trying to avoid the topic somehow and Liz raised an eyebrow at her. 

„Don’t play games with me,“ Liz said. „I’ve been working all night, spill it.“

„I told him,“ Scully finally said and took a deep breath. „Or… yelled at him to be exact. It wasn’t supposed to go like this,“ she explained. „He came home in the afternoon and… I had just had an exhausting day. He tried to approach me, tried to touch me but I just couldn’t do it.“

Scully rolled on her back and looked at the ceiling, wondering how much to tell her. She didn’t know about William either and Scully had no intention on mentioning it. The whole thing was still way too painful and one day she had decided that it was best for her not to bother anyone with that part of her life and keep it hidden within the confines of her own heart. 

„One thing just led to another… we had a terrible argument. We yelled at each other, terrible things that had been building up for years. It was ugly,“ Scully said quietly and the pressure on her chest returned. 

„Shit,“ Liz said. 

„I mean… there was no way this whole thing would end nicely,“ Scully said and wiped the corner of her eye with her pinky. „But I didn’t mean to yell at him like that. I told him that I love her,“ she said a little quieter. 

„What did he say?“ Liz asked and turned her head. 

„Nothing, really,“ Scully said. „He was just disappointed that I had lied to him for so long and then he left.“

„He just left? Just like that?“

„Just left the room,“ Scully said and bit her lip. She couldn’t tell her that they had fucked; she was too ashamed.

„It was quiet after that. I cried and he came back after a while,“ Scully said. „I didn’t stay the night though, I had to get out of the house.“

„Maybe it’s better that you don’t see each other for a little while,“ Liz said. „Give yourselves a bit of time to clear your head and talk about it again when things have calmed down a little.“

Scully nodded. That was probably best although she doubted that there’s much left to save after the devastating argument but she kept that to herself. 

„I suppose you didn’t discuss how to deal with things now?“ Liz wanted to know. 

„No, not at all,“ Scully said and put her face in her hands. „It feels like we didn’t talk at all… just yelled these horrible things at each other and that was it. I don’t know if I’ll move out… I just seems like the right thing to do but… I don’t know where to go for now. It feels strange going back to the house,“ she said and thought that it sounded ridiculous at the same time. They have known each other for almost 25 years and it really shouldn’t be so difficult. 

„All my stuff is still there and I haven’t gone back except for a few days ago. I picked up some personal things and fresh clothes while Mulder was at work,“ she said. 

„What about Stella?“

„She has been so wonderful,“ Scully said. „Better than I probably deserve it.“

„Don’t say that!“

„I know she has her own difficulties and all of this has been new for her too but she has been so incredible and I really couldn’t love her more.“

„But?“

„I don’t know,“ Scully said quietly. „I had never really thought about moving in with her, I don’t even know if that’s what she wants and we haven’t talked about something like this,“ she said and sighed in frustration. 

„It wasn’t meant to go like this. I don’t know what to do… find my own place? Just that thought is terrifying somehow,“ Scully knew that finding an affordable place in either London or Oxford wouldn’t be a piece of cake. 

„Alright,“ Liz said and sat up, facing Scully. „Take a few deep breaths and calm down a little,“ she said and Scully did as she was told. „Did you talk to Stella about this at all?“

„I went to a hotel after the argument. She wanted to know why I did that… I told her that I didn’t want to bother her,“ Scully said. „She said I’m not.“

„What more do you need?“ she asked and Scully shrugged. 

„It feels strange… I don’t want to impose on her.“

„Do you really think Stella feels that way after everything she has done for you?“ Elizabeth said. „I’ve known her for a few hours only but I do believe that there’s a part of her that loves you. She is a smart woman and something tells me that, if it didn’t mean anything to her, she would’ve left already and not bother with the whole mess,“ she said and Scully had to admit that there was some truth in her words it was just that a part of her had got used to losing everything she loved dearly so she had always tried not to get her hopes up. 

„I hope you’re right,“ Scully said and bit her lip. 

„Are you going back to London?“ Elizabeth asked. 

„Tomorrow morning,“ Scully said. „I have another 12-hour shift tonight and then I’ll go back,“ she said. 

Elizabeth thought about that; she had seen that Dana had been working quite a lot of hours recently. It was twice as much as she used to and she had wondered what it was that caused her to get lost in her work like that. It felt like she was starting to understand that Dana tried to keep herself busy somehow. She was stuck somewhere, not sure what to do or where to go. She was afraid to face the truth so she kept herself busy with work, what Elizabeth didn’t know was that Dana wasn’t sleeping well.  
Her nights were restless and short and most of the time she had skipped proper meals because she didn’t feel like eating or couldn’t make up her mind so she ended up having nothing at all. 

„You can always stay here, I hope you know that,“ Elizabeth said and Scully put her head on Elizabeths shoulder. 

„Thank you,“ she whispered and felt a wave of sorrow wash over her. 

It was just one of those moments, early in the morning, when the grief took over and she missed her mum with every fiber of her being. It was then that she was reminded of a never-ending grief and the fact that everything in life as fleeting. 

„Go and take a shower,“ Elizabeth said. „Clear your head a little… and have something to eat,“ she said and smiled at Dana. 

Elizabeth was asleep when she finished the shower; Dana covered her with a blanket in the same place she had fallen asleep last night and closed the door quietly. She sat in the kitchen, her knees drawn to her body with a fresh cup of tea in front of her. She should probably have something to eat because she couldn’t even remember the last proper meal she had had and the galaxy bar probably didn’t count. She was hungry but nothing seemed right at the moment so she had given up on finding something, had resumed her position and reached for her phone to call Stella. 

It was only 8am and Stella should be on her way to work if she hadn’t made it by now. She dialed the number, that she knew by heart now, and waited. 

„Good morning,“ Scully said softly when Stella picked up. 

„Hey stranger,“ Stella said and Scully heard the smile that was on her lips. „Are you still at the hospital?“

„No,“ Scully said. „I’m at Elizabeth’s. Are you at work already?“

„Yes,“ Stella said and Scully heard the soft clicking of fingers on a keyboard. 

„Why so early?“ Scully wanted to know and took a sip of tea. 

„Couldn’t sleep any more,“ Stella said. „When will you come back?“

„I have another long shift tonight,“ Scully said and yawned. „I’ll come back after that, in the morning.“

„Are you ok, Dana?“ Stella asked. 

„I just miss you,“ Scully whispered. 

„You didn’t answer my question,“ Stella said quietly and leaned back in her chair. 

Scully wanted to tell her that everything was fine, she didn’t want to bother Stella with everything that was going on inside her head. She wanted to push it all aside and be there for Stella so she couldn’t answer the question honestly. 

„Yes,“ Scully said softly. „Just tired. I’ll see you tomorrow, call me when you can?“

„Yes,“ Stella said. „Get some sleep, love.“

„Bye.“

Stella leaned back in her chair and sighed. She missed having Dana around and it felt like she was avoiding her somehow. A part of her was trying not to think about that because she was afraid of rejection. That was one of the reasons why Stella had vowed not to get involved with anyone because she couldn’t take being rejected and pushed away. She put her phone aside and went back to work, trying to keep her mind occupied otherwise.

***

About twelve hours later she was laying on a bed in the on-call room, praying that the night would be quiet. She had finished the paperwork, that she had left the other day, made her rounds and hid in the empty room. She had meant to keep herself busy, thinking that she should get some sleep now that it seemed possible but she was still too restless. It wasn’t even nine o’clock but it didn’t really matter; going to sleep simply meant that all of this would be over sooner or later.

Scully rolled on her back and yawned. She really shouldn’t be so tired but it appeared that, lately, she never really woke up nor did she rest well during the night. She felt moody and impatient with herself; it made her feel frustrated. She was all over the place and at the same time she felt incredibly lost. 

She reached for her phone and called Stella. 

„Stella, it’s me,“ she said softly when she picked up the phone. 

„Well, hello Dr. Scully,“ Stella said with a smile. 

„What are you doing?“ Scully asked and turned on her side. 

„I just came home from the office,“ Stella said and kicked off her shoes.

Normally she wouldn’t have come home straight away after a day like this, knowing that the house would be empty and lonely. She would have spent the night in a bar, trying to pick up someone who’d make her feel a little less lonely. This time was different though. She knew that Dana wouldn’t be waiting for her but she’d come back sooner or later and that thought was utterly soothing. 

Stella knew that there was something on Dana’s mind that she wasn’t ready to share and she tried not to take it personal and give her a bit of space. Stella thought that it might be time to take the next step and do the only thing that seemed right at this moment she just wasn’t sure Dana would be ready for it. 

„Did you work all day?“ Scully asked, wondering why Stella would do such a thing when she thought that she had simply tried to avoid being lonely. 

„Caught up on a lot of work,“ Stella said. 

„I’m sorry I didn’t drop by,“ Scully said and closed her eyes. She felt a pang of regret in her heart. 

„When will you finish?“ 

„Some time between six or seven in the morning,“ Scully said. „I’ll drive over as soon as I leave here. I hope they’ll let me get some sleep tonight,“ she said with a soft smile. „Makes the morning come faster,“ she said and Stella chuckled softly. 

„I’ll wait for you,“ Stella said. „Try to get some sleep.“

The night didn’t go quite as planned; three emergencies later Scully found herself unable to fall asleep at all. She dozed off only to be disturbed by nightmares and a rapidly beating heart in the early morning hours. She opened her eyes, trying to take slow deep breaths. She felt nauseous for some reason, praying that she wouldn’t be sick because that was the last thing she needed right now. She dragged herself out of bed, immediately shivering at the chilly morning air, to open the window.  
Maybe a little bit of fresh air would ease the feeling. She wrapped the blanket around her body, feeling slightly exhausted. She tried to be rational, tried to find an explanation for what was causing her so much distress but the thought of food didn’t seem to appealing at the moment. She found piece of chocolate in her bag, let it slowly melt on her tongue while the cold morning breeze caressed her flushed cheeks. It seemed to do the trick for now and she felt a little bit calmer. There was only one other time in her life when she had woken up feeling nauseous but it was nothing she could wrap her head around, nothing she even wanted to address. It was ridiculous and she knew it but no matter how many times she quietly repeated that to herself, that small voice in the back of her mind refused to shut up about it.

There was a brief moment of panic that seized her when she considered that thought but Scully pushed it away. She closed her eyes, listening to the birds singing in the distance and it made her smile. She had missed that sound. The air seemed a little milder and Spring wasn’t far, she had always loved that season. She looked at her watch and decided that it wasn’t worth trying to get back to sleep, it was time to go back to Stella in a bit.

***

Stella opened the door with a smile on her face, looking all prim and proper as she was ready for work, while Scully was dressed in leggings and an oversized shirt. If she hadn’t been so tired she’d have laughed about her own pitiful appearance at that moment but for now she was just glad to be back.

She walked in, dropped her bag and pulled Stella in for a kiss before she even had a chance to blink. Stella got lost in the moment because it was everything she had been thinking about while she had been stuck in her office all day but admitting that to her on the phone had felt a little strange. She didn’t want to come across as too needy; Dana had been gone for about two days but somehow she had been afraid of losing her. 

„Good morning,“ Stella said softly and wrapped her arms around Dana. 

„Morning,“ Scully said and put her forehead against Stella’s.  
„I made coffee,“ Stella said and kissed her. 

Scully still felt a little queasy; not sure whether she still felt nauseous or just hungry but she might just give it a try. 

„Mhm,“ Scully said. „Let’s just stay here a little while longer,“ she said and Stella put her head on her shoulder. 

„Sounds good to me,“ she said and closed her eyes. 

„How much longer will you have to do this?“ Stella asked a few moments later while she placed a cup of coffee in front of Dana. Technically she only had a part-time job in the hospital but she had been covering for sick colleagues recently. 

„Two of them are supposed to come back next week so I should be able to return to University then,“ she said and Stella felt a little more relaxed because it meant that she’d be around more often. 

Scully looked at Stella while she sipped her coffee, feeling a wave of compassion and love wash over her. She wanted to be honest with her, thinking how easy it would be to tell her the truth now and get over with it but she just couldn’t do it. She looked down at her half-finished cup of coffee, feeling slightly put off by the smell. 

„Everything alright?“ Stella asked when she noticed that Dana had been quiet within the last couple of minutes. „You look a bit under the weather.“

„It’s been a terrible night,“ Scully said and ran her fingers through her hair. 

„Try to get some sleep,“ Stella said and walked around to stand in front of Dana. „I shouldn’t be back too late and then I’ll take you out for dinner,“ Stella said and Scully put her arms around her neck. 

„That sounds like a wonderful plan,“ she said and kissed her goodbye. 

A little while later Scully crawled into bed after a quick shower and laid down on Stella’s side of the bed. Scully hugged Stella’s pillow, that still faintly smelled of her perfume, and closed her eyes. She barely had time to think and worry about what might be before she fell into a deep sleep. 

Stella finished working early, spending all day working yesterday had given her the liberty to go home in the early afternoon, not that she was asking anyone for permission. She still wasn’t allowed to work on actual cases, and she knew that she’d have to go back to Belfast at some point, so she could pretty much do whatever the hell she wanted.  
It was almost four in the afternoon when she entered her flat, finding Dana fast asleep in the bedroom. She leaned against the doorframe, watching her with a smile. She didn’t miss the fact that Dana was sleeping on her side of the bed, facing the window. The sound of her slow and even breathing filled the room and Stella didn’t have the heart to wake her just yet. She quietly changed into something more comfortable and gave Dana thirty more minutes before she decided to wake her. All the hours of sleep wouldn’t do her any good if she ended up being awake all night. 

She sat down on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to kiss her. She lingered on her soft lips a little while longer until Dana stirred beneath her, the corners of her lips curling into a smile. 

„Wanna get up and get something to eat?“ Stella whispered against her lips. 

„Mhm,“ Scully said and put a hand in Stella’s neck, pulling her on top. She knew they should grab something to eat but she made no intention to leave the bed. 

„How about we save that for later?“ Stella whispered against Scully’s lips, hovering above her. „Come on, time to get up,“ she said and pushed herself off the bed to finish the coffee she had left in the kitchen. 

„What would you like to eat?“ Scully asked while she entered the kitchen, taking the cup from Stella; she actually started to feel hungry. 

„I honestly haven’t thought about it,“ Stella said. „I thought we’d just go out and see what we can find?“

„Sounds like a good idea,“ Scully said. „Just give me five minutes.“

***

They walked down the street next to each other and Scully felt a little unsure about what to do. Although she had never been keen on public displays of affection and hand-holding, she had a sudden urge to hold Stella’s and let everyone know that she was with her. Sometimes she had secretly envied other couples but it had felt weird doing it somehow. With Mulder there had always been the part of their job that made them keep it secret, although everyone knew, and there really hadn’t been anyone else that she had wanted to do it with.

„What is it?“ Stella asked and cast a sidewards glance at Scully. 

„Sorry?“ Scully asked when Stella interrupted her train of thoughts. 

„I can hear you think!“ Stella said and their fingers brushed against each other while they walked. 

„It’s nothing,“ Scully said and looked at her feet, biting her lip.

„I know that your mind has been somewhere else lately,“ Stella said and Scully looked up, wondering whether she suspected anything. 

„Sorry,“ Scully said. 

„I just wish you’d talk to me,“ Stella said as they kept walking down the street.

It was everything Scully wanted to do; she wanted to tell her what troubled her and it was scary. She didn’t need words to ruin the moment, she just wanted to spend some nice time with the woman she loved. She took Stella’s hand and entwined their fingers. 

Stella stopped walked for a moment and looked at their hands. She had never thought that this would be something she would appreciate but now Stella felt that there was nothing weird about it at all. She smiled at their hands and kept walking; she wasn’t afraid to be seen by colleagues at all, in fact she suddenly wanted to rub it in their faces and let them know that this incredible woman was with her now. 

They walked to the tiny Italian restaurant at the end of the road and found a space somewhere in the back. The food was delicious and Scully found her appetite return though she couldn’t finish the food on her plate but she didn’t worry about it. At some point she had moved closer to Stella, sitting beside her with a glass of wine in front of them. She listened to Stella’s low voice telling her about everything she had done while Scully was gone; she knew they were both avoiding Mulder and the argument they had had but it wasn’t the right moment.  
Scully leaned against the side of Stella, her hand resting on Stella’s knee while her fingers gently caressed the inside of her thigh. 

„What happened to saving it for later?“ Stella said with a smirk. 

„I’m not doing anything,“ Scully said without taking her hand away. „Am I distracting you from something?“

***

„Now that’s better,“ Stella whispered against Dana’s lips, hovering above her.

Dana was completely at her mercy; they had abandoned their clothes somewhere on the way to the bedroom in an urgent need to feel each other. There had been a brief moment of frantic lovemaking in the hall and Scully had decided to let Stella take over. It felt that it had been ages and Stella had been craving the feeling of being close to Dana. There had been fear of losing her, that she let it slip away and Stella needed to make sure that Dana was still with her; she had to reassure herself. It was a feeling that had been eating away at her for years; the incapacity of letting go, the never-ending trust issues and the fear of commitment rooted in an ancient fear of rejection and abandonment. 

Scully let go, let Stella take over because she felt like it was what she needed. Her hands were gently roaming over her bare curves, trying to take it slow and Scully knew it took every bit of strength not to let the naked desire take over. 

Stella cupped her breasts with both hands, kneading softly while she made her slow descend. Scully put her own hands on Stella’s, squirming a little under the loving touch. She felt the warmth spread in her lower belly when Stella teased her with her tongue. She parted her slick folds with her tongue, teasing her aching clit before she sucked the sensitive bundle of nerves. Stella felt her body tense but that feeling didn’t last long.

Scully wanted to get lost in the moment and enjoy how Stella made her feel but it was slowly replaced by an incredible amount of guilt that spread within her and overpowered the passion. She stared at the ceiling, tried to focus but it didn’t to work. All of a sudden she was completely overwhelmed, her brain overflowing with voices trying to tell her what to do. She remembered that she had betrayed Stella and probably hurt her, she had no place to stay and it scared her so much that she couldn’t even enjoy what Stella was doing to her. 

She dropped the hand that had been tangled in Stella’s hair and took a deep breath, covering her face in her hands. 

„Okay, seriously,“ Stella said after a while with a frustrated sigh and looked up. „I’m trying, really but I feel like I’ll get cramps if I keep going…“

„I’m so sorry,“ Scully said and dropped her hands, facing away from Stella. „I didn’t mean to.“

„What’s the matter?“ Stella said and moved closer, propped up on her elbows. „Dana?“

Stella laid on her stomach, hugging the pillow that Dana had pushed aside earlier. 

„I don’t know,“ Scully said with a frustrated sigh, reaching for her shirt because she had a sudden urge to cover herself. She hugged her knees and looked at Stella. 

„I’m sorry. I just… it all feels so overwhelming all of a sudden. It’s scary.“

„Come here,“ Stella said and motioned for Scully to move over. 

„I thought you’re not a cuddler,“ she said and Stella smiled. 

She remembered having said that before but all her previous partners had never been ones to stay, never been people she wanted to be so intimate with which sounded ironic, considering that she had met them just to have sex. 

„That’s not exactly true,“ Stella said. „And we didn’t really have sex.“

Scully rolled her eyes, smooched over and placed a kiss on Stella’s shoulder. 

„We could change that,“ Scully whispered against her warm skin. „You want me to?“

Stella shook her head. 

„It’s okay,“ she said and couldn’t ban the slightest hint of disappointment out of her voice. 

„Just lay down with me,“ she said and Scully put her head on Stella’s shoulder, her weight gently resting against her back. 

Stella tried not to take it personal but the bitterness that lingered inside of her made it harder than she expected it to be. She just couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. She wanted to reach out to Dana, wanted to know what was wrong but maybe it was best that she didn’t know after all. What if she thought that leaving Mulder once and for all had been a terrible mistake and she didn’t want to be with her? She had strengthened herself throughout the years but she couldn’t help but feel her heart break a little at the rejection. 

„It’s going to be okay,“ Stella said softly, whispering to herself. 

Maybe it was better to sleep on it, rather than to get lost in what-if’s, and hope for the best. 

The night passed and day after day went by but the treacherous feeling lingered, clinging to Stella with a taunting grin on its face. She had blamed it on their coinciding working hours and Dana’s long shifts at the hospital and the fact that they haven’t had time to actually talk about the whole situation at all; it was bound to overwhelm them sooner or later. Both women had made a habit out of spending long days at work, keeping themselves busy while they were subconsciously trying to avoid whatever laid ahead of them. 

It had been almost a week since their rather unsuccessful get together and she still felt slightly embarrassed, knowing that she had rejected Stella in a terrible way. Scully knew she had to put an end to it and tell her the truth, she thought while she sat on the edge of the bed in the on-call room. She put her face in her hands and tried to take a deep breath. She was terribly exhausted and tired, feeling frustrated and anxious. There had been these brief moments where she had doubted every single decision, where it felt like she couldn’t go on. She had stood in the middle of the hall, holding a file in her hands, when Scully felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. She could barely breathe or form a coherent thought; everything inside of her felt empty and heavy. She was close to tears and at the same time some part of her didn’t seem to care at all. She just wanted it all to be over, fighting the urge to just run away and quit. 

She had hidden in here, hoping that her pager wouldn’t disturb her. She had started feeling sick again, trying to calm herself until it passed. She started to tremble, remembering the thought that had seeped into her mind a few days ago. It had haunted her although a part of her knew that it was ridiculous. It made her feel dizzy; her entire world was spinning around her and her heart was pounding against her chest. 

It just couldn’t be, could it? Scully tried to remain calm but she was tumbling down a dark path and there was no one to held out a hand and save her. 

What if? She thought, wondering whether it was true. 

There was a tiny part of her that was excited when she thought that she might be pregnant. Although she knew that it was ridiculous and highly unlikely, she hadn’t been able to ban that thought from her mind. She didn’t want another child; she had lost two children during the course of her life and she couldn’t bear having to go through it all again. She had put that behind herself a long time ago, trying very hard not to be reminded of that time and now it all came crushing back with a terribly painful force. She shook her head, trying to convince herself that it was ridiculous, but she couldn’t let it go. She needed to know the truth, she thought and rose from the bed. There was a pregnancy test in the pocket of her coat, she felt it weighing her down and she wanted to get rid of it once and for all. 

She quickly made her way to the restroom, trying to get it over with. She locked herself in one of the cabin’s, hidden in the back, and waited. She just couldn’t do it. Scully reached into her pocket and looked at the test. 

What if it was positive? 

She wasn’t sure whether she could deal with it. What was she supposed to do? She felt the tears brim in her eyes, trying to figure out what to do. She didn’t want all of this as much as a tiny part of her was aching for it to be true. She knew that it was impossible but she had somehow learned not to give up on a miracle, if only it had happened at a different time. 

She felt a fresh wave of nausea wash over her so she got up to splash her face with cold water. She stood in front of the sink, a fine layer of sweat covering her skin. She let the cold water run over her hands but it was too late; it did nothing to ease the uneasiness she felt. Everything around her was spinning; she gripped the edge of the sink, anxiety taking hold of her and it felt that she was losing ground. 

No, no, no, she thought, trying to remain calm but there was nothing she could do. 

„Dana?“ she heard Elizabeth’s voice from somewhere far away. 

She couldn’t tell where exactly it was coming from but she sounded concerned. It was the last thing Dana heard when everything around her went black and quiet. 

The next time Scully came to her senses something seemed different. She still had a dull headache but the nausea wasn’t quite as bad as it had been before. The dizziness was slowly ebbing off but she was so incredibly tired. Quietly she opened her eyes; it was then that she realized that she was in a hospital bed and much to her relief she was still wearing her own clothes.  
She touched her forehead with her hand; there was a vitamin drip in her hand. She sighed softly, trying to put together what had happened. The last thing she remembered was the blind panic she felt before she fainted. Scully sat up slowly, trying to figure out what to do. She couldn’t reach her coat or her mobile but before she had a chance to leave the bed the door opened and Elizabeth walked in.  
She raised an eyebrow and leaned against the end of the bed. Scully wasn’t sure whether she was angry or just concerned, maybe it was a little bit of bother. 

Elizabeth took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to say. She had been concerned about her friend for days now and while she tried to understand her she was also starting to get worried that all of this was starting to be too much for her; she had also found the pregnancy test that she had kept in her pocket. She wondered why Dana hadn’t talked to her and at the same time she thought that she didn’t wanna know. Since there was no way to phrase this nicely and beat around the bush, Elizabeth chose to say it right away. 

„You’re not pregnant,“ she said quietly and Scully looked up. 

She hadn’t expected this and it felt like a slap to her face. She pulled her knees to her body and laid her head on top, feeling empty and disappointed. She should have been relieved but there was nothing but pain inside of her; maybe it was part of the relief that brought the tears to her eyes. She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and refused to look at her friend. Elizabeth walked around the bed and sat down on the edge. 

„Why didn’t you talk to me?“ she said and put her hand on Dana’s arm. 

„I… I didn’t know what to say,“ she said between sobs. „And I was… ashamed of what I did.“

„Well,“ Elizabeth said with a smile. „I won’t judge you. It’s none of my business.“

„Thank you.“

„But do I really need to lecture you on proper eating habits and drinking enough water?“ she said a little more serious and raised an eyebrow at her friend. „You look awful.“

Scully chuckled softly; it was exactly how she felt.  
„I just… lost track of it somehow.“

„You need to be more careful,“ Liz said. „Take a little break, you’ve got enough on your plate. You need to look after yourself, Dana.“

„I thought… I’d just go back to work and get over it.“

„That didn’t work too well,“ Liz said.  
„I can see that,“ Scully said and leaned back. „I don’t know what to do…“

„Did you really think you might be pregnant?“ Liz asked.  
She didn’t know that it was almost impossible for Scully to get pregnant and that it had only worked once but she didn’t feel like filling her in on the details; she just nodded. 

„It just scared me for a while,“ Scully admitted. „I didn’t leave after the argument we had, not right away,“ she said and looked at her own hands. 

She had a sudden urge to get it off her chest and she trusted Elizabeth not to judge her and keep it to herself. 

„We… had sex after the argument. It just happened and… I felt awful,“ Scully said and felt fresh tears brim in her eyes. „I couldn’t stay after that but… I just hated myself for it.“

„You really think it’ll do you any good to beat yourself up now? There’s nothing you can do to make it undone. All you can do is try to put it behind you and get a fresh start,“ she said and all of a sudden she felt relieved that Scully wasn’t pregnant because it now made a little more sense to her. 

„You’ll have to tell Stella,“ Elizabeth said. „I believe it’s the only way you two can get a fresh start and I think that’s what you both need.“

„I’m scared,“ Scully admitted. 

„I would tell you it will be alright if I could,“ Elizabeth said. „But I think you need to start dealing with the consequences and start again, without lies.“

Scully nodded because she knew that her friend was right, as painful as it may be. 

„Can I go back to work?“ Scully asked because she was starting to feel a little embarrassed, praying that not too many of her colleagues had noticed the little incident. 

„I’ll give you some fluids and vitamins, something to ease the nausea. I’m waiting for the blood results to come back but I’m not expecting anything special to show up,“ Liz explained. „You will not go back to work today. I’ve put you on sick leave for the rest of the week, not open for discussion,“ she said before Scully had a chance to protest. 

„You can stay with us if you like but you need to talk to Stella,“ she said. „And Mulder, try to sort things out.“

„Okay,“ Scully said quietly. 

She wasn’t used to being told what to do but she wasn’t really in a position to be fuzzy about it. 

„I called Stella,“ she said. „She’ll be here to pick you up soon.“

Scully looked at her, a surge of panic rushing through her body. 

„Did you…?“

„I didn’t tell her anything,“ Elizabeth said. „Like I said, it’s none of my business and I can’t fight your battles for you.“

„Thank you,“ she said and settled back against the pillow. She hated hearing these words but she knew they were true. 

„Let me know when you are ready to leave,“ Liz said and took her hand. She leaned over and kissed her on the cheek before she left her to herself and her thoughts; a part of her felt like she didn’t even deserve Elizabeth for being so nice and understanding. 

She didn’t know how long she had been asleep but judging by the slowly fading daylight it must be some time in the late afternoon. She put her hand on her belly and closed her eyes. She almost laughed at herself for being so scared and naive. Although the sadness hadn’t faded entirely she knew that it was better that way. Throwing a baby into this mess wouldn’t solve any problems and the truth was that she was too old to start again. She didn’t want that; she had put that behind herself a couple of years ago. She looked at the drip that seemed to run endlessly and considered changing the flowing rate a little before she ignored it; she still had to wait for Stella anyway. 

She decided to try to get some more sleep to pass the time and was woken up by the sound of the door when Stella walking in; saying she looked slightly concerned was a mild understatement.

„You scared me,“ Stella said and walked over to the bed. „What happened?“ she asked and took off her coat. 

She stood in front of Scully, who sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. It looked like a million stones fell from Stella’s heart when she saw the condition Dana was in because she had thought of so many worse things.

„Sorry,“ Scully said and pulled her in for a hug. „Sorry you had to drive here all the way.“

„Don’t worry about it,“ Stella said and kissed her forehead; she was glad to find her in one piece with no visible bruises on the parts of her body, that she could see. „Do you have to stay?“

„No,“ she said. „I should be okay in a little while.“

The IV bag was empty and Scully started to peel off the plaster that was holding the needle in place. 

„Should you be doing that?“ Stella asked and took a step back. 

„I’m a doctor.“

„As far as I can see, you are a patient at the moment,“ Stella said. 

„I just fainted,“ Scully said. 

„Oh, if it’s just that, why am I even concerned?“

„It’ll be okay,“ Scully said. 

„You keep saying that and yet here we are,“ she said and Scully bit her lip. 

She could see that Stella was scared and had probably spent the last hour worrying about what condition Dana would be in. 

„You are right,“ Scully said. „I didn’t mean to,“ she said and laid her arms around Stella’s mid-section. „Thank you for picking me up.“

„I’d be a little more at ease if I didn’t have to pick you up as a patient.“

„I’m not sure what happened,“ Scully said softly and shrugged. 

„Being a doctor doesn’t make you invincible,“ Stella said and Scully knew that she was right. 

She had always thought things like this wouldn’t happen to her because she knew the signs and knew what to do but apparently she had failed herself badly. 

„I guess it was all a bit too much,“ she finally admitted and Stella gently lifted her chin with a finger. 

„Don’t shut me out,“ Stella said and Scully knew that it was a request.

„I promise I won’t,“ she said and leaned her head against Stella’s chest. Quietly they stayed like this for a little while before a knock on the door interrupted their little get together. 

„Hey there,“ Liz said and walked in. 

„Thank you for calling me,“ Stella said, addressing Elizabeth; she shook her hand and welcomed her with a warm smile. 

„I’m glad you could make it,“ she said. „Maybe you can talk some sense into her,“ she said and raised her eyebrow at Scully, who rolled her eyes in return. 

„Am I allowed to go home, doctor?“ Scully said before there would be more.  
„Blood test is fine,“ Liz said. „You need to watch your iron level. Get some sleep and have regular meals. I need you back in one piece.“

„Yes, Ma’am,“ Scully said and Liz got rid of the drip so she was ready to go. 

She said goodbye to Liz, picked up her things from the on-call room and left with Stella. The drive back to London was quiet; Scully didn’t mean to shut Stella out but she needed the silence to figure out what to do. She knew very well that there was no way to say any of it nicely. 

„I guess you’re not going to work this week,“ Stella said and sat down beside her on the sofa, holding a warm cup of tea between her hands. 

„I’m pretty sure Liz would kick my ass for real this time,“ she said and smiled. „I don’t know what to do…“ Scully admitted. „I’ll have a few days off now and I thought I could take care of a few things but… I don’t know where to start.“

She sipped her tea and waited a few seconds. 

„I need to call Mulder, get a few of my things,“ she said and bit her lip. 

„I won’t kick you out,“ Stella said without looking at Scully. 

She wanted her to stay but she couldn’t say it out loud; Scully’s face lit up a little but it didn’t last long. She couldn’t delay it any longer. 

„Thank you,“ she said. „But I need to tell you something first,“ she said and cleared her throat; Stella looked up. 

„I told you I had an argument with Mulder and I told him about us,“ she said. „It got really ugly and… I didn’t leave straight away,“ she said and Stella had an idea where this was going. 

„I slept with Mulder before I left,“ she said quietly because there was no need to prolong this. „It just… happened,“ she said and wasn’t proud of it at all. „That’s why I didn’t come here straight away. I felt guilty and confused and I… I just needed some time to think.“

„Right,“ Stella said calmly. 

She had already suspected it and now that the truth was out she wasn’t exactly sure what to do; she felt empty and needed a few moments to think about it by herself. 

„I… I just need a minute,“ Stella said and turned around to leave. She walked to the bedroom and looked out of the window, lost in thoughts; Scully didn’t follow her. 

Stella closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt empty but she couldn’t be angry. Who was she to judge her for what Dana had done? A part of her had always expected that this would happen at some point. Dana had spent half her life with this man and there was no way she could just erase him from her life and Stella didn’t expect her to. She knew that a part of her would always love him and she had accepted that a while ago. 

She was disappointed somehow; there were feelings inside of her that she had refused to address. Things she had never been forced to deal with because she had been the other woman. She had slept with married men and people in relationships because she had wanted to and she had never given a damn about the other person because it wasn’t any of her business, but now that it concerned her on a personal level it made her think. 

She wasn’t happy with what she had done but she wasn’t in a position to judge anyone else for it. It hurt that Dana had slept with him but the truth was that it didn’t matter; it didn’t change the fact that she loved Dana. She was here after all because she had made a decision. One of them hadn’t been the most reasonable one but Stella had made a fair share of irresponsible decisions throughout her life. She sighed and looked at her hands; she had two options now.  
She could be angry at Dana, push her away and risk end up being alone or she could accept it, deal with it and start again. She didn’t want to lose Dana, not over this. As much as it pained her she knew that the only right decision would be to get over it. She didn’t know how long she sat there until she heard steps behind her; she didn’t turn around but she bed shifted a little and Dana crawled across. She approached her carefully; she wasn’t sure what mood Stella was in. Somehow she wished that Stella would just yell at her and not be so quiet. 

„Stella?“ she said quietly but she didn’t turn around. 

Scully wasn’t good at these things, she had hated confrontations like this but there was no way she would let this pass. She leaned against Stella, trying to keep a respectable distance at the same time. 

„I didn’t mean to hurt you,“ she said quietly. 

„I… I’m not,“ Stella said honestly. „It just… I’m not used to being in this position.“

„I really don’t know why I did it,“ she said. 

She put her forehead against Stella’s shoulder and took a deep breath. „I was scared… I’ve been with him all my life and just that thought suddenly scared the shit out of me. I was so… so overwhelmed and angry; I was sad and… I just… I didn’t think,“ she said and bit her lip. 

She waited for Stella to say something. „I just yelled at him, about all the things that had gone wrong through the years. It got ugly, I’m not proud of it… I yelled at him because I needed to be angry at him and at the same time I wish I hadn’t done that.“

„I yelled at him, told him how much he had hurt me and that I felt lonely and invisible and you were the only one… I told him that I loved you and that it was over and…“ she stopped babbling, looking at Stella, who had turned around all of a sudden, when she realized what she had just said to her; it was the first time she had said these words out loud and there was a mixture of surprise and confusion written all over Stella’s face. 

„Just say something!“ Scully begged her. 

It felt awful and she felt like shit but maybe that was the price to pay for what she had done.

„You… you love me?“ Stella said quietly, trying to believe what she had just heard; there were tears in her eyes.

„Yes,“ Scully whispered. 

It appeared that Stella was frozen in place by her impromptu confession. Stella turned around a little and Scully leaned in to kiss her.

„I do,“ she said, leaning against her as she deepened the kiss. 

Stella leaned into her; she wanted to tell her that it would be okay, she just needed a little more time. Mistakes are what made us human after all. Every failure would help them grow if it didn’t break them. Stella still had hope, maybe for the first time in her life. She had come so far and she couldn’t let that go. Love was the reason she was still alive and she couldn’t give up on it. 

„It’ll be okay,“ Stella said and looked at Dana; there was fear and regret written all over her face and it was enough to make Stella crumble a little. 

„I missed you,“ Stella said. 

„I missed you too,“ Scully said and laid her arms around Stella’s waist, her chin resting on her shoulder.

„Let’s get ready for bed,“ she said after a while and they did so in silence, both lost in their own thoughts but it calmed her a little that Stella didn’t turn away from her when they crawled under the covers a little while later. At some point during the night Stella woke from a weird dream and found the other side of the bed empty.  
She gave herself a few moments to clear her head before she slipped out of the warm bed and sleepily padded into the living room to find Dana awake on the sofa; Stella sighed and rubbed her eyes. 

„Why aren’t you in bed?“ she asked. 

„I couldn’t sleep,“ Scully said. Her brain had refused to shut up and let her get some sleep; she still felt guilty. „I didn’t want to wake you.“

„Come back to bed,“ Stella said and held out her hand. 

Stella spooned her, trying to go back to sleep; her hand rested on Dana’s warm stomach just beneath her shirt. 

„I’m an idiot,“ Scully whispered against her hand. 

„Mhm,“ Stella hummed. „You are my idiot now.“

Scully smiled, felt her soft hand on her own stomach. She thought of all the wonderful things that Stella’s hand could do to her if only she moved a little lower. It felt like something had been lifted off her shoulders and she was ready to open up herself a little. She remembered how she had let Stella down and she had a sudden urge to make it up to her. She wanted to feel Stella, to taste and touch every part of her body. She had to reassure herself that she was still with her, still holding her in her arms. She knew that there was no one who would make her feel better right now. She needed Stella’s gentle touch to soothe every part of her aching body and she wanted to return the favor with every part of herself. She needed her warmth to bring her comfort in this cold and chaotic mess. 

Scully knew that Stella wasn’t strong enough to fight all her battles alone, no one was. She was tired of fighting without Stella, she was exhausted of pretending to be able to stand on her own two feet all by herself; god knows she had done that most of her life but maybe it was time to confide in someone else. The truth was that Stella’s strength was the one thing that had helped her keep her head above the water and she would save Stella from drowning whenever she could. She wanted to hold Stella’s hands when she was scared; she put her own hand on top of Stella’s and sighed. It was Stella’s body that she wanted to hug when she felt lonely; the sound of Stella’s heart beat was the only sound she wanted to hear when she needed peace. 

She wanted Stella more than ever; she wanted to make love to her and hold her when she needed it after a nightmare in the middle of the night. Scully closed her eyes, slowly guiding Stella’s hand where she wanted it most. All she needed at this moment was Stella healing her with affection; she wanted to replace her destructing thoughts with good ones. She felt the warmth of her own desire tickle her own fingertips; she gently parted her legs, guiding the fingers between her legs. Scully turned on her back without moving away from Stella. 

„Dana,“ Stella whispered softly. She had been lingering on the verge of sleep when Dana’s hands had started distracting her. 

„Yes,“ Scully whispered against Stella’s lips as she turned around and pulled her in for a kiss. 

She opened up a little, getting lost in the moment that she had been craving for a while now. Stella parted her lips, softly sighing while Scully guided her hands where she desperately needed it. Her other hand was trying to find its way beneath Stella’s shirt. She wanted her so much but the desperate urgency that was reflected in her touch suddenly put her off. She turned Stella on her back, her hands sliding beneath her shirt to cup her breasts; Scully sealed her lips with a messy kiss, aching for more. 

„Dana,“ Stella said, gently panting. „Dana… wait,“ she said softly but Scully wouldn’t stop peppering her skin with kisses. 

She wanted to taste Stella, feel her come on her tongue and make her feel good. 

„Dana,“ Stella said with a little less resistance, feeling slightly distracted by Dana’s tongue heading south. She knew she needed to put a stop to it now or she never would and she’d only regret it once it was over.

„Stop it,“ Stella said a little louder and it finally got her attention. 

She sat up, leaning against the headrest and pulled Scully onto her lap. She wrapped the blanket around them and kept them closely cuddled up in their cozy little cocoon. „I won’t go anywhere,“ Stella whispered when Dana put her head on her shoulder. 

Scully laid hear arms around Stella, trying to keep her as close as possible. 

„I know it’s not easy,“ Stella said softly. „It’s scary… I’m scared but the truth is that… ever since I met you things have been so complicated and… wonderful. Everything I did, I wouldn’t have done with anyone else. Everything seems so much easier somehow,“ she said and played with a strand of Dana’s hair. 

„I sleep better when you are around,“ she said and kissed the top of her head. „Stay with me, Dana,“ she said and tightened her grip around Scully. She raised her head from Stella’s shoulder and looked at the woman in front of her.

Scully looked at her, their faces only inches apart. She touched Stella’s lips with the tip of her finger before she closed the distance between them; gently kissing the woman she loved. 

„I’d love to,“ she said, suddenly feeling lighter and perfectly at ease. She leaned against the woman, who still held her in her arms, and closed her eyes.

***

The morning had gently kissed the night goodbye and Dana roused from sleep with Stella’s arms encircling her lovingly. Her warm and sleeping form was nuzzled against her own back; Stella’s hot and even breath tickling the sensitive skin of her neck. She didn’t want to break the quiet moment, so early in the morning but she needed to see her; she wanted to watch her in her sleep and get lost in the beauty. Scully slowly turned in her arms, putting her head down on the pillow next to Stella.

She was sleeping peacefully, slowly rousing from her deep slumber when Scully’s fingers gently outlined the soft lines of her face, brushing a few strands of hair aside. Without opening her eyes Stella’s lips curled into a smile, humming in appreciation. She kissed the finger that was outlining the curves of her lips. Dana smiled at her when Stella gave in and decided to wake up because something about this little encounter warmed her heart in the early morning hours; it was then that she remembered the proposal she had made last night and that Dana had agreed so this would simply be the start of many mornings waking up in her arms. 

Stella looked at her, her eyes shimmering in the semi darkness. 

„Hey,“ Scully whispered. 

„Hey,“ Stella replied, shifting a little. She put a hand on her waist and her forehead against Dana’s. 

„I need to tell you something,“ Scully said. 

„Tell me something,“ Stella replied. 

„I love you, Stella,“ she whispered softly against her lips and smiled. 

Stella looked at her, feeling deeply touched. Her heart was pounding against her chest and she felt nervous all of a sudden; her fingers were trembling. Scully put a hand on Stella’s cheek, chuckling softly. It felt wonderful to say it out loud because it was true. She didn’t expect Stella to say it back, she didn’t need to. She would say it whenever she was ready; deep inside Scully knew it was there. She felt it when she had asked her to move in with her, when she had picked her up from the hospital without hesitating for an instant, when she had held her hand on the way to the restaurant and when she had saved her from the storm. 

A small smile graced her lips and Stella put her hand in Scully’s neck, pulling her in a for a kiss. She pushed herself on top of Dana without breaking the kiss, hovering above her. Scully was on her back with her left leg slightly bent at the knee and Stella settled between them, gently lowering her weight onto the woman beneath her because she needed to be as close to her as possible. She kissed her deeply, softly moaning into her mouth. They broke apart for a brief moment so Stella could slide her hands beneath Dana’s shirt and lift it above her head before she got rid of her own. She leaned forward, her breasts pressed against Dana’s, her soft curls curtaining their faces. For just a little while the time seemed to stand still and they made love; slowly with no need to hurry. Stella cupped her face with both hands and looked into her eyes; she knew she loved Dana so much that it hurt and she’d lie saying it still didn’t scare her every now and then.  
She knew she had to heal the wounds of the past otherwise they’d always continue to bleed. She had tried to bandage the wounds, years and years of pain and rejection, with alcohol, work and sex but no matter how much she had tried to cover it, it would always stain her life at some point. She had to open up to Dana and be honest with her, face her own demons. She had to find the strength and reach down to the core of the pain that was holding her in the past. 

Stella was captivated by the sparkle in Dana’s eyes; she breathed her in and could feel her body lighten a little. Scully hooked her lovers’ legs, flipping them around in one swift movement, taking her by surprise. Her thigh pressed forward into the space between her legs, rocking slightly to make contact with Stella’s aching center. She tilted her head back on a soft moan, slowly getting carried away by the pleasure. Scully held her in her arms, watching her while she came on her fingers. Her head tilted back, her lips softly parted on a strangled moan; she panted heavily and Scully put her head down on her chest. They laid together in silence, lingering in the afterglow while Stella’s fingers drew soft circles on her back. The dawn was slowly starting to light up the sky, ready for a new day ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	19. How Careful Was I When I  Took My Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/ScullyMulderGtey.gif)   
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>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/ScullyMulderGtey.gif)   
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_How careful was I, when I took my way,_  
_Each trifle under truest bars to thrust,_  
_That to my use it might unusèd stay_  
_From hands of falsehood, in sure wards of trust._  
_But thou, to whom my jewels trifles are,_  
_Most worthy comfort, now my greatest grief,_  
_Thou best of dearest, and mine only care,_  
_Art left the prey of every vulgar thief._  
_Thee have I not locked up in any chest,_  
_Save where thou art not, though I feel thou art,_  
_Within the gentle closure of my breast,_  
_From whence at pleasure thou mayst come and part;_  
   _And even thence thou wilt be stol'n, I fear,_  
   _For truth proves thievish for a prize so dear._

_[Shakespeare - Sonnet 48]_

***

Scully sat in the living room, surrounded by silence. She held a cup of coffee in her hands and closed her eyes. It didn’t feel quite as oppressing as it had before, there was something different about it. Stella had gone to work about an hour ago and Scully had promised to do something with her free day. Technically she was on sick leave so there wasn’t much she could do, except for working on her daily routines and food intake but other than that there wasn’t much. She knew that there was one more thing to do but it was something she had been trying to avoid but Scully knew she couldn’t push it away forever.

It was time to take the next step and move on; she had to go back to Oxford and start packing. She remembered the last time she had taken such a step and she still recognized the terrible feeling that had tortured her the whole time while she had put memories and half a lifetime into cardboard boxes, trying to decide what she would need and what should’ve been tossed years ago. It was the time she had started packing for England, wondering whether she was making the biggest mistake of her life. She remembered being scared but she hadn’t been able to admit that to herself, thinking that it would be better sooner or later. It wasn’t the first time she had thought about what her life would have been like if she had never started working for the FBI, had never met Mulder and had experienced everything that had happened in the following years. 

Scully sighed, cautioning herself. 

She didn’t want to go there because she would never know the truth but there was a small part that loved reminiscing in what might have been. 

Would she have ended up like her brother? Married with kids, being a mother with a career or a stay-at-home mum? What if she never found the right person or had children after all? What if she had suddenly realized that her career choices had all been wrong? 

It was a scary thought but Scully realized, with a slight wave of relief, that the pain now came from a different place. What if she had never come to England and met Stella? It had been a matter of minutes; if she had gone home thirty minutes earlier she would have never met Stella and that put a pressure on her chest that was hard to bear so she decided to shush these thoughts and get ready. 

She found her phone in the kitchen and picked it up; there was still a small part inside of her that was fighting against her will but she did it anyway. 

_Can we talk?_ she texted Mulder, put the phone on the counter and went to the bathroom; she just couldn’t sit there and stare at the phone until his answer came. 

A few moments later she heard the soft buzz of her phone and silently prayed that he didn’t decide to call her because she wasn’t emotionally prepared for that. 

_I’ll be home in the afternoon,_ his reply said and she tried not to interpret anything into his words; she couldn’t tell whether he was angry, still disappointed or just didn’t want to see her after all. 

_I might be there a bit early, I need to get a few things_ , she replied and it took her a full amount of five anxious minutes to type her reply because she didn’t know what to say. She had to start packing but it didn’t feel right to text him that so she tried a different way.  
See you then, he replied and she wondered how he was doing. 

She could drive over now, take her time to gather her things but she just couldn’t do it. She didn’t even know where to start; she would put her clothes into her suitcase and maybe sort them out while she was at it, toss away everything she hadn’t worn in over a year. She needed all her personal belongings that she kept in the bathroom, in her nightstand and the living room. What about the things they had bought together? She hadn’t taken anything from their house when she left the first time but technically nothing had even been truly hers expect for her clothes and a few things here and there. 

She didn’t want to go over this with him, ending up tediously diving their possessions. Feeling slightly overwhelmed she reached for her phone and texted Elizabeth, maybe she’d be able to keep her company and help out a little. The truth was that she thought she needed to do it on her own; she knew there would be tears and she’d rather cry all by herself and get over it instead of having someone watch her the entire time.  
She could always go out for dinner with Elizabeth when it was all over. Scully knew she would never get it all done in a few hours, now that she was wasting time on purpose. She didn’t even have boxes and the thought of shoving everything in her car didn’t seem right either, she felt like talking to Stella first although she had already mentioned it before. 

Scully got dressed in silence, finding a surprise when she opened the wardrobe. She knew that a few pieces of her own clothing were in there already but when she opened the door she found half of it empty with a little note on the side: 

Go and get your things, love. Don’t worry, it’ll be alright. Stella.

Scully read it over and over again before she folded it neatly and put it in the back pocket of her trousers, knowing that she would need a little reminder sooner or later. 

Before she was on her way to Oxford she texted her friend while she walked to the grocery store, taking her sweet time. The least thing she could do was make sure they had plenty of decent food in the house. She knew that Stella had made a habit out of not cooking proper meals at home, buying only the necessities that she needed to survive.

***

About two hours later she sat on the floor in the bedroom, surrounded by all her clothes. It appeared like her entire life laid scattered around her in a terrible mess and she had no clue where to begin. She leaned against the bed and closed her eyes. The house was quiet and it had felt strange to step over the threshold for the first time since that argument. Her suitcase was open at the end of the bed but she hadn’t had the strength to put them in just yet. She knew she couldn’t sit here forever, she didn’t want Mulder to see her like this and she wanted to be done with most of it when he returned.

She took a deep breath and started folding her clothes without paying much attention to what she still needed; there was a whole lot more than she had expected. She didn’t have that much when she first arrived in England and maybe she had spent a bit too much time drowning her initial sorrow in shopping and rewarding herself with something that hadn’t made her happy after all. To her own surprise the one thing she had been dreading for so long turned out to be rather soothing as she got lost in such a mindful task, remembering all the times she had worn a specific piece of clothing for a certain event.  
There was only one thing she wouldn’t find, something her mother had always wanted to see. Ever since her sister had died in that tragic accident years ago, Maggie had put all her hopes in Scully to walk down the aisle in a pretty white dress. It filled her with sadness that she had never made her mother’s wish come true but at the same time it had never really been an option. During all those troubled times it had never been the right moment; time had passed and now it was too late.  
She had never mentioned it but sometimes, during those lonely nights, she had wondered what it would be like to be married and lead a quiet and orderly life with a regular job and maybe just a little more.  
Mulder had never asked her to marry him, it had never appeared to be something they both had wanted and somehow it had never seemed right. They had never made their relationship official, not for themselves and not for anyone else so how could she expect them to take the next step?

She could have asked him, she could have taken that away from him but she had been too scared to hold on to something that had threatened to crush her; the feeling of being rejected and disappointed had been eating away at her for far too long. 

She reached for the last pieces of clothing pooled at her feet; she picked it up to find something else falling into her lap and her heart skipped a bit. All of a sudden time seemed to stand still and she was frozen in place.  
She stared at the tiny light blue hat that laid on her lap; she picked it up with trembling fingers and it felt just a soft as it had when she had bought it such a long time ago.  
It had tiny stars and planets on it and she had been so happy when she bought it because she had known that Mulder would have loved it but he had never got to see it in the end. Her eyes filled with scalding tears, quietly running across her cheeks. She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand but it was a futile battle as the sorrow took her by surprise. She knew what was hidden within the hat, she had put it in there herself. Back when she had made the hardest decision of her life she had told herself that she would give everything away; she had attempted to make a clean cut and erase all memories of her baby boy to make it easier but she had known that, in the end, she would have hated herself if she had done just that.  
She had kept the little hat and a pacifier; she had kept both items hidden where no one would find them and most of the time she had even forgot that it still existed. She had lied to keep herself from getting hurt more so than she already had. 

Scully reached into the hat and pulled out a dark blue pacifier that said: 

_„I ❤️ Daddy“_

and all of a sudden the sound of her heart-breaking sobs filled the room as she wept all by herself at an ancient memory. For a long time she couldn’t stop crying, her soul was weeping and grieving the loss that had left her with a never-ending void inside of her and no matter what she did there was no way to soothe it. She grabbed the tiny hat with both hands and held it close to her heart while the tears continued to fall as years of suppressed grief seized her aching soul. She looked at the ceiling, trying to calm herself. Scully closed her eyes, thinking that she could still smell him although his scent had faded long ago. She remembered the last time she had held her little baby boy against her chest, her world falling apart when she had been forced to let go. 

Her pain mixed with anger because it had to come down to this and because she had been on her own. She brought the soft fabric to her lips and for an instant she placed a kiss on top of her baby’s head before she put the pacifier back where it had been and placed it on the bottom of her suitcase; she didn’t have the heart to show Mulder now. She couldn’t bear the pain and she had dealt with it on her own once and she would do it again. 

She hadn’t had time to gather her wits entirely when the sound of her mobile disturbed the silence. She wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks, knowing that no one would see her, cleared her throat and looked at the ceiling, to distract herself, one more time. 

„Hey,“ she said and tried to keep her voice steady; it was Elizabeth. 

„I got your text,“ Elizabeth said. „Are you okay?“

„Yes,“ Scully said. „Yes… I’m just, I’m at the house.“

„Are you crying?“ Elizabeth asked but Scully wouldn’t give in. 

„It’s okay… just tired.“

„Mhm,“ Liz said. She knew that Dana was lying but she wouldn’t push it now, not over the phone. 

„I started packing,“ Scully said and sat down on the edge of the bed, absent-mindedly opening the drawer of her nightstand. 

„Do you need help?“

„No, thank you,“ Scully said with a sigh. „I just… I need to do this.“

„Is Mulder at home?“

„No, he will be here in a bit,“ she said. „I’ll just get my clothes and everything I really need, I won’t finish it all today.“

„You want to come over when you’re done?“ Liz asked.  
„Yes, I’d like that,“ she said, wondering how late it would be but it didn’t matter. 

She needed to see Liz, she had always been caring and comforting with her mere presence; she would text Stella later to let her know she’d be back late. 

„So, you’re staying with Stella?“ Liz asked carefully because she couldn’t imagine that Dana had found a place in London so quickly. 

„Yes,“ Dana said softly. „She asked me to.“

Elizabeth sighed with a smile on her lips. 

„Alright, love,“ she said. „Call me if you need anything.“

„Thank you,“ Scully said and put her phone in the back pocket of her trousers before she took everything and tossed it on top of her clothes.

She took the suitcase to her car before she made her way to the bathroom to gather whatever of her possessions was left. She tried to detach herself from the task at hand, feeling empty and tired already. It still felt strange but she packed as much as she could fit in her car, thinking that there wasn’t much left she needed at the moment. She could always come back another time to get her books but that wasn’t her priority at the moment. She sat down in the kitchen and made coffee, wondering if there was anything she’d take from here. Apart from a cup, that Mulder had given her just a few weeks ago for her birthday, there was nothing she wanted. Somehow it had always felt like nothing really belonged to her. 

She looked at the cup, that had made her smile, and held it in her hands. It had the same picture as the poster, that had once decorated their basement office, with the words _Don’t give up_ written across in bold letters.  
It was something he had said to her years ago and it had meant so much to her. She heard his keys and the sound of the front door when the smell of coffee filled the room; Scully immediately rose from her chair, feeling nervous all of a sudden. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest but she tried to tell herself that it was Mulder after all and she couldn’t run away from the confrontation again, only this time it couldn’t end the way it had before. 

„Hey,“ he said, leaning against the doorframe. 

She could tell that he was tired because he probably hadn’t slept much but she wouldn’t judge him. She couldn’t look quite like herself after fainting in the hospital; she wasn’t wearing any makeup and hadn’t put a lot of effort into her hair and clothes this morning. 

„Hey,“ she replied, still holding the cup in her hands. „I… I made coffee, you want some?“ she asked and turned around before he even had a chance to say something but she felt nervous and she needed something to do. 

She poured them each a cup, taking her sweet time while he walked in, leaning against the counter. She sat down at the table and waited. 

„Everything okay?“ he asked because he didn’t know what else to say at the moment. He didn’t want things to go wrong like they had before and she looked a bit under the weather. „You look a bit-‚“

„I’m fine,“ she interrupted him because she couldn’t go back there now. 

„You started packing,“ he said; she knew it wasn’t a question. She nodded quietly, wishing this whole situation wouldn’t feel so awkward.

„It needs to be done,“ she said softly, sipping her coffee. 

„Right,“ he side and averted his gaze. He had known that this moment would come but it just now dawned on him that it was over. „Are you staying with Stella?“

„Yes,“ she said because there was no point in lying about this. 

„That was quick,“ he said with a humorless laugh; she raised an eyebrow at him. 

„It just feels right that way,“ she said, ignoring the doubts that still lingered within her. „And I don’t want to wait another seven years until one of us makes up their minds,“ she said, feeling angry all of a sudden. 

„Okay,“ he said quietly; it hurt more than he wanted to admit but there was nothing he could do about it. 

Scully put her cup down, put her face in her hands and took three deep breaths. She didn’t want this to end in another argument, that was not what she had had in mind.  
„Mulder, please,“ she said softly and rose from her chair to stand in front of him. „I don’t want to argue.“

„Neither do I,“ he said and she looked up to him. „What happened to us?“ he asked and his voice was nothing but a whisper; he reached for her hand and she let him. 

Scully shook her head and bit her lip. 

„Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,“ she said; as much as it hurt this appeared to be the only truth. „I mean, look at us. Look at what it has turned us into. How many years are we supposed to keep trying?“

„I don’t know,“ he said and looked at their hands. Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough but now it was too late. 

„Mulder we can’t be happy with each other,“ Scully said. „We’ve tried for so long and I’ve wanted it so badly. I’ve tried over and over again. Why do you think I kept coming back?“ she said and held on to his hand. 

„There was a small part inside of me that refused to believe it was over but,“ she let go of his hand and hugged herself, suddenly remembering how they had ended up fucking in the living room and it felt slightly awkward all of a sudden. 

„Maybe we need to learn how to be happy without each other,“ she said and looked at him; he didn’t seem happy with this realization but there was no other way to say it. 

„Are you happy, Scully?“ he asked and that question overwhelmed her a little. 

„I… I’m trying, Mulder.“

„Does she know?“ he asked and sipped his coffee; she knew exactly what he was referring to. 

„Yes,“ she said and the answer seemed to surprise him for a moment. „Yes, she does. I don’t want to lie to her, I… we need to start off right.“

He put his cup down, trying to find something to say but words failed him. He wanted her to be happy because she deserved it more than any other person he knew but it seemed hard to accept that she would do so without him. He knew that he couldn’t force her to try again, it wouldn’t work and maybe he needed to let her go after all this time. 

„Mulder,“ she said softly, feeling a fresh wave of sadness wash over her. „You will never not be a part of my life.“

„What do you expect me to do?“ he asked. „Tag along while you’re happy with Stella?“ He knew that he wasn’t being fair and Scully groaned in frustration. Maybe it was too early for this, maybe they just needed a bit more time for themselves. 

„That’s not what I meant,“ she said and reminded herself to be rational and calm. „I will always love you and you will always be welcome in my life but maybe we… we just need a break.“

He knew that she was right but he needed more time. 

„I’ll help you with your things,“ he said and left the kitchen. 

Scully knew that there was no need to draw this out any further, it was only fair that she gave him some more time to sort out his thoughts. She drained the rest of her coffee, rinsed her cup and left the kitchen with it. 

A couple of minutes later she stood next to the car in front of the house with Mulder following closely behind. They had been there before and it had been just as painful. 

„I can’t keep coming back,“ she said, trying not to cry while they were about to say goodbye. „You need to let me go,“ she said softly and it was quiet plea. He stepped closer; she put her head against his shoulder while he softly kissed the top of her head. 

„Scully,“ he said softly and she looked up, then she put her arms around him with tears in her eyes. 

„I was lost once,“ Mulder whispered against her shoulder. „Just like you but I chose another path, another life… I know it wasn’t always perfect, I wasn’t,“ he said and Scully bit her lips, trying to swallow the sob that was threatening to escape her lips. She had heard these words, similar ones, years ago and it was just another reminder of what they had been through. She felt the tears fall from her eyes, spilling onto his sweater but she couldn’t move. 

„I know it was a mess and maybe I… I should have tried a little harder,“ he said and let go off her to look into her tear-filled eyes and gently hold her face between his hands.

„You were my friend,“ she whispered before he could actually say those words. „My friend, my colleague… my lover.“ 

He smiled at her with a hint of sadness in his eyes. „You told me the truth when no one else did,“ he said and she smiled, putting her hand on his. 

„Even when the world was falling apart you were my constant, my touchstone,“ he whispered and she leaned against his hand, quietly sobbing at his touching words. 

„And you were mine,“ she whispered; she meant it with all her heart. 

They looked into each other’s eyes for a brief moment before she cupped his face with both hands and stood on her tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his forehead. Her thumb gently touched those soft lips that she had kissed so many times before and then she dropped her hands. „You will always be.“

She turned to walk to her car but he reached for her hand one more time. 

„Scully,“ he said and she could see the hesitation on his face; maybe it was time to start doing the right thing. 

„Yes?“ 

„I let you go,“ he whispered and let go off her hand. 

She watched him for a few seconds while he took a few steps back and, with a heavy heart, she got into her car and drove to Elizabeths house at the other side of town.

***

Elizabeth waited by the door when Scully pulled up in front of the house; she had texted her that she would be coming over a few minutes ago, right after letting Stella know that she was almost done here. Scully got out and smiled at her friend although she didn’t really feel like it.  
The whole thing had been more painful than she had first anticipated and the memory of her child had thrown her off quite surprisingly. She felt it clinging to her, a dark shadow that she couldn’t shake off. She knew she couldn’t keep it a secret forever, it would be coming back to her every now and then and it was just a matter of time until someone started asking questions. She had done a pretty good job at hiding her past but she knew that nothing would ever truly remain hidden. She wanted a new life, she wanted to move on and if that meant dealing with her painful past then that was what she had to do.

She had reached a point where she felt like she couldn’t do it on her own any longer, she couldn’t carry the burden all by herself and maybe she didn’t need to do that anymore; she had found someone she trusted with all her heart and felt comfortable confiding in when the time was right. 

It was dark already and she was starting to feel tired; all these emotions had left her feeling drained and empty but she couldn’t just leave without seeing her friend. She wouldn’t be too far away, she’d still work with her but it had been a soothing thought that Elizabeth was just a couple of minutes away whenever she had needed her. 

Liz pulled her in for a hug and whispered with a smile: „I’d tell you that you look good just to be polite but you look just as horrible as you did yesterday.“

„Thank you,“ Scully said with a smile.

„Lovely to see you anyway,“ she said and motioned for her to come in. 

„How did it go?“ she asked while Scully took off her coat and shrugged. 

It was a good question: Was it good or bad? Did it really help them? She couldn’t tell, she thought that only time would do that for them. They will need a while to heal and only then might it be the right time to try again and have a normal conversation like they used to. 

„It was… hard,“ Scully said quietly, remembering how she had put her stuff away. „I only got the most important things… we didn’t talk about anything else.“

„I see,“ Elizabeth said and put the kettle on. „How did he take it?“

„I’m not sure,“ Scully said and stared into thin air. 

She had always been able to tell what kind of mood he had been into, what was going on in his head but this one had been a particularly hard one to crack. 

„I couldn’t tell whether he was mad or hurt… just disappointed,“ she said. „I didn’t want to argue with him again and it seemed hard not to.“

„Maybe you should give yourselves a bit of time away from each other,“ Liz suggested and Scully nodded. 

„I told him that I can’t keep coming back,“ Scully said. „I’ve been doing that for such a long time,“ she said, wondering how much she had ever told her friend about her relationship with Mulder. 

„I had always thought we could work it out somehow so I went back and tried and tried and tried…“ she sighed and pursued her lips. 

„Maybe it is time to let go,“ Liz said softly. „I know it’s hard, especially after such a long time… but none of you seems very happy with it.“

„I guess it’s just too many things that have gone wrong over the years,“ Scully said and felt her eyes glisten with the tears she had tried to keep at bay at all costs. „Things that… will never go away and maybe you are right…“

She wanted to tell Elizabeth about her baby and what she had found while clearing out her wardrobe but something was holding her back; she didn’t feel strong enough to go back there now. 

Liz waited, knowing that there was something on her friend’s mind but maybe she wasn’t ready to share that just yet. 

„So,“ Elizabeth said, sensing that it was time to change the topic. „You’re moving to London now?“ she asked and put a cup of tea in front of Scully. 

„I guess so,“ Scully said. 

„Doesn’t seem quite so bad,“ Liz said. „You can do a bit of sightseeing.“

„It’s not like I haven’t had my way around London the last three years,“ Scully said. 

„I can’t really imagine you doing some tourist sightseeing stuff to be honest,“ Liz said and laughed. 

„Well, thank you,“ Scully said. „I’ll clean up my act.“

„You want some?“ Liz said and offered her some biscuits that looked pretty delicious all of a sudden and it was then, with a hint of shame, that she remembered that she hadn’t had food all day although she had promised to do better. 

„Please tell me you had something other than that today.“

„I meant to,“ Scully said with a smile and cleared her throat. 

„Dana!“ Liz said and rolled her eyes. 

„I just… forgot about it,“ she said, knowing that it was an incredibly lame excuse for a grown up woman and she was slightly embarrassed by herself. 

„Promise me you will look after yourself,“ Liz said softly and Scully did just that, telling Liz and herself that she would be more careful and more considerate, making sure she would be better.

***

„I don’t want to see you back at work before next week,“ Liz said when they said goodbye by the front door about half an hour later. „But then I do wanna know about everything! Call me if you need me.“

„Thanks dear,“ Scully said and hugged her one last time before she was on her way, leaving another chapter behind. 

She stopped by at a tiny Chinese place when she finally made it into London; Stella had told her that she had not had anything for supper just yet because she had been working on something. Scully ignored all the food she had bought this morning, knowing that neither of them could be bothered to make something tonight so she decided to do it the easy way. 

She left all her belongings in the car, taking nothing but her purse and the food she had just bought before she stepped into the quiet apartment. She kicked off her shoes by the door, finding the living room empty. She put the food on the counter and went to find Stella. Quietly, she smiled at the image in front of her; Stella had fallen asleep over her work, leaving a folder scattered all over the bed with her glasses still on her face. Carefully Scully collected the documents from the bed and put them on the nightstand. Stella didn’t even stir when Scully took the glasses off; she used to be such a light and restless sleeper but maybe she wasn’t the only one who was starting to feel safer in their relationship. 

She regarded her silently for a few heartbeats and decided not to wake her. She sat in the kitchen, having Chinese takeout for dinner, and although she sat there on her own she didn’t feel lonely the way she used to. She put her phone away, finished her dinner in silence and got ready for bed.

***

Scully sighed and leaned back in the chair. She closed her eyes, took off her glasses and pinched the back of her nose with two fingers. It almost felt like she wasn’t used to the silence of the university any longer. Far away from the busy shifts at the hospital she found herself hiding in the quiet office, overlooking the small park.  
She turned around in the chair to look out of the window. She smiled with a sad melancholy; somehow this was what she had always wanted. A workplace where she felt confident, a place where she could thrive without having to prove herself over and over again. There was no one around the corner, ready to jump at her, waiting to doubt any theory she had ever come up with. The sun was low but there would be plenty of daylight left for a little while as the days finally got longer and milder again. She remembered the time in Washington, the little basement office. It was strange how she suddenly missed something she had resented for years at a time. She had said goodbye to that; it was painful but it had been necessary.

She had vowed never to go back to that place, had finally left it behind. She had bid farewell to Mulder, knowing that he would always be a part of her life. He would never be not around in some way but right now they needed distance. Some wounds were too deep to heal, others simply took too long. 

There were memories too painful to ever be forgotten and Scully knew that it would always hurt in one way or the other but she had to force herself to move on. That time heals all wounds was a terrible lie, words meant to soothe people during troublesome times and Scully had learned the hard way that it had a habit of prying wounds open at the most unexpected times, making it all hurt just as much as it had the first time.  
It might not last too long and it might feel different from the first time but deep inside it still hurt. She had remembered all of this earlier today when she had flipped through her agenda, trying to avoid the piling exams on her desk that needed to be graded. It had hit her out of nowhere and she had not expected it in any way.  
It was Mother’s Day in about two weeks and while she had never thought about it, and had always made the best of ignoring such a thing, it had now struck home somehow because she had not fully recovered from her emotional outburst last week. She had read the words, had taken a deep breath and reassured herself that it didn’t matter. She had closed her agenda and put it aside but while she kept herself busy with never-ending paperwork she felt it clinging to her like a teasing shadow that clung to her, pulling her somewhere she didn’t want to go. 

Her train of thoughts was interrupted by a soft knock on the door and she instinctively checked her watch, wondering who’d be demanding her attention at this time of the day. Usually she expected all her students to be home by now. 

She turned around, moved closer to the desk and straightened her spine. 

„Yes?“ she said loud enough for her visitor to hear. „Come in.“

The door was opened and Scully immediately recognized the soft blonde tresses as Stella stepped into her office.  
„I hope I am not disturbing you, Dr. Scully?“ she said sweetly and closed the door. A smile crossed her lips and Scully found herself relaxing a little. She leaned back in the chair. 

„Certainly not,“ she answered. „To what do I owe you the pleasure… ?“

„Stella Gibson,“ Stella said and Scully imagined that this must be exactly the way she talked to her colleagues and family members when she had to deliver bad news, introducing herself as the law enforcement officer in charge and Scully had to admit that there was something incredibly sexy about the whole thing. 

She was used to seeing Stella in casual business attire, always looking beautifully prim and proper and until now it had never crossed her mind that Stella might be required to wear an official uniform every now and then. She found herself biting her lip, lost in thoughts while she imagined what might be. She had no idea what her uniform looked like but she made a mental note to find that out very soon. She cleared her throat, and rose from the chair, walking around her desk to greet the woman. 

„Pleasure to meet you, Stella,“ she said in a low voice and held out her hand. Stella took it, pulling her closer by the hand and Scully gasped in surprise before she started laughing, gently melting against Stella’s slender form. 

Scully kissed her on the lips, the image of Stella in her uniform still lingering in the back of her mind, softly sighing against them. 

„Are you having a nice day?“ Stella asked, knowing that there was something on Dana’s mind; she could see it in her eyes, wondering whether she was mistaken. 

„Just got better,“ Scully said and kissed her again, slowly losing the battle against common sense. 

She felt a wave of unmasked pleasure washing over her, the soft tingle between her legs shamelessly giving her away. She wanted Stella badly and she wanted her now. She let go of Stella, a brief hint of surprise flashing on her face but she didn’t say a word. She shed her coat, tossed it aside and walked to the window behind Dana’s desk. 

Scully made sure the door was closed, locking it with a soft click. She bit her lip and took a deep breath before she turned around. She’d lie saying she had never thought about that before when she had been trapped within these four walls, feeling somewhat lonely and isolated; bored with whatever she was busying herself with. 

„It’s a lovely view,“ Stella said softly and slid into Dana’s chair. 

„Yes, it is,“ Scully said without even looking out of the window. 

All she saw was Stella, being as beautiful as ever. The blonde knew her by now and she felt a rush of excitement in her lower belly when she realized that she had read her correctly; she knew exactly what they were in for. 

She approached slowly without ever leaving Stella out of sight, wondering how to go about it best, quickly negotiating the options they had in the limited confines of her office. She stepped between the small space of Stella’s legs and her desk, her ass pressed against the edge of it. She considered herself at a slight advantage because of her angle but Stella had queered her pitch, moving in to trap her before she had a chance to make up her mind. 

„I want you so badly,“ Stella whispered against her lips when Scully cupped her face with both hands, leaning in for a messy and wet kiss. 

She gave Stella a gorgeous view of her cleavage, her boobs framed by a dark blue lace bra but she wasn’t quite so sure she’d get to free them of their confines now although she’d take whatever she was offered - or willing to take. 

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed into the kiss. 

„I’ve been thinking about it all day,“ Stella said in a low voice, nibbling at her bottom lip. 

„Came here for a booty call in my office?“ Scully whispered, her tongue darting out to tease Stella. „Sounds naughty.“

„Get your ass on that desk,“ Stella whispered and Scully complied, though her tight skirt was making her slightly uncomfortable. She had so many things on her mind at that moment; a small part of her wanted to stop this. She was at work, in her office where they could be disturbed at any point, where someone could hear them. She felt the blush creep into her cheeks; the truth was that she so turned on by the idea that her panties were soaked by the time she attempted to spread her legs. 

„That’s not going to work,“ Scully said, quietly cursing her choice of attire because she was growing a little impatient. Stella motioned for her to get up, her hands sliding beneath the tight fabric her skirt. Her hands gripped the hem of her lace panties, slowly pulling them down. Scully bit her lip, keeping her eyes on Stella the whole time. She felt her heart swell with emotions when she thought about how much she loved her but found herself quickly distracted when her panties hit the floor. She stepped out of them, her arousal evident on her inner thighs. 

„That’s better,“ Stella whispered, her fingers trembling with excitement and lust, that was rushing through her veins. Slowly, she pushed the skirt up, leaving it messy around her mid-section and butt naked from the waist down. 

„It’s going to wrinkle,“ Scully said in a light-hearted attempt that would do nothing to put an end to this encounter, she simply worried about what it might look like when they were done. 

„Really? That’s what you’re worried about now?“ Stella asked with a hint of amusement in her voice. 

She raised an eyebrow at Scully and waited while the redhead chuckled softly. She pushed herself back on the desk, spreading her legs, exposing her wet and swollen pussy to Stella. She moved a little closer, excitement rushing through her. She felt her own clit throb with anticipation but there would be enough time for that later. Scully saw the glistening shimmer in her eyes, her dilated pupils and the soft glow in her cheeks. Her tongue slowly darted out to wet her own lips in anticipation before she hooked her arms beneath her knees, putting her hand on her hips to keep her still. She smelled her arousal and it was slightly distracting, carrying her away for a moment. She knew that Dana was hers now and it touched her deeply, seizing her with terrible longing. 

Scully inhaled sharply as Stella’s soft lips grazed the sensitive skin of her thighs; she leaned back on her desk, trying not to knock over everything that was on it. She kept her legs apart, placing her feet on the armrests of the chair on either side of Stella.  
She needed Dana, she needed all of her but for now the thought of making her come on her tongue was enough to keep her on the edge. There would be plenty of time to take it slow in a little while. 

Stella kissed the soft skin of her thighs, avoiding the parts where Dana really wanted it.

„Hands away from my hair,“ Stella whispered with a smirk. 

The last thing she needed was Dana messing up her hair, making it obvious they had fucked in her office. What thrilled her even more was the challenge it gave Dana, knowing that it would take every bit of strength she had to keep her hands away from Stella. Dana sighed with a hint of frustration, gripping the edge of the table instead. 

Scully pursed her lips, swallowing hard when Stella placed feather-light kisses close to her hot and aching center, spreading the sticky wet arousal with her lips. Scully felt her hot breath on the sensitive skin, sending a rush of excitement through her body, her skin softly flushing. For a brief moment Stella thought about teasing her but it wasn’t the right place and the right time so she licked her lips in anticipation, thrusting a nimble finger into her. Scully arched her back off the table, squirming as she adjusted to the sensation; a soft moan escaping her lips. Stella ran her fingers along her from the inside without ever taking her eyes off Dana. She moved her skilled fingers slowly, pumping in and out of her tight and wet pussy at a lazy pace. 

„Stella,“ Scully whispered and a long moan escaped her lips; she felt like she could burst from anticipation. „Stella,“ she whispered again. Stella added another finger, moving at a meticulously slow pace. 

„Just fuck me,“ Scully almost whimpered, licking her lips, shivers radiating through her body. Stella didn’t need to be told twice. Scully sucked in air through gritted teeth while Stella licked long strokes against her slick pussy from bottom to top again and again until she squirmed on her desk, held in place by Stella’s other hand. She pulled her closer against her face as Stella fucked her into oblivion with three fingers. Her lips closed around her throbbing clit, causing her to moan and whisper things Stella couldn’t make out and it only encouraged her further.  
The angle she found herself in was slightly uncomfortable on her wrist but she couldn’t change that without having to change the way she took her and she was enjoying herself far too much. 

„Oh God,“ Scully whined, covering her face with her hands. 

Her hips arched quickly, trying to increase the friction. She pushed herself against Stella, who moved her fingers in a come-hither motion brushing against her g-spot with a very precise movement. She smiled at herself, knowing that she had hit just the right spot when Dana went to wax beneath her. She loved how swollen and wet she made her with a few strokes of her tongue and well-placed fingers, reducing her to a babbling mess. She wanted to make her come, wanted to make her squirt so badly but she knew that this wasn’t the right place to make her relax enough. She needed a little bit more time, more teasing. 

„Please,“ Scully whispered, her voice almost stuck in her throat when Stella’s teasing fingers hit just the right spot. 

Stella looked up but Dana was too far gone to pay attention to her. Her chest rose and fell steadily while she was panting heavily. Scully was overwhelmed with the sensation, felt the warmth rush through her body, her toes curling with Stella’s merciless touch. If all of that wasn’t overwhelming enough she had a sudden urge to pee, a wave of panic washing over her. She tried very hard to concentrate, a fine layer of sweat covering her heated skin. 

„Ha… harder,“ she panted between shallow breaths, knowing that she was close. „I… I’m gonna…“ she whispered and it was all the encouragement Stella needed. The movement of her mouth sucking deftly matched the steady rhythm of three fingers mercilessly brushing against her g-spot, her walls contracting around Stella’s fingers. 

„Oh… shit,“ she breathed softly, the heat pooling in her lower body. 

She could feel it seeping out of her wet pussy, coloring her flushed cheeks. It was warm and tingly, almost bordering and being slightly unbearable and uncomfortable but so blissful at the same time. 

„You need to be quiet,“ Stella cautioned her, smiling because this wasn’t the first time they’d found themselves in such a rather compromising situation. Stella sucked harder, her hand moving more insistently; she knew Dana was close and it needed just a little bit more to have her tumble over the edge. Her hand was wet with Dana’s unmasked arousal, her lips coated with the musky and earthy taste that threatened to drive her crazy.  
Scully needed to come, wanted it so badly that she closed her eyes and imagined Stella between her legs, her beautiful face flushed while she licked her thick and swollen folds. She felt her fingers brushing against the spongy bundle of flesh. She cried out with a whimper when her muscles spasmed with the effort; her body still for a moment before it crushed over her, reducing her to a lifeless whimpering mass. She laid on her desk, almost entirely naked with her heart furiously pounding against her chest. Stella rose from the chair, standing between Dana’s parted legs. She wrapped an arm around her lower back, pulling her up into her arms. 

She sealed Stella’s lips with a messy kiss, smiling when she tasted herself on them. 

„Actually,“ Stella said softly, while Scully was still trying to pull herself together. „I came here to tell you something.“

Scully looked up, waiting. 

„I got tickets for the Royal Opera next week,“ Stella said with a smile. „Will you join me?“

„Are you asking me out on a date?“

„Yes,“ Stella said and kissed her softly. „Because now we don’t have to hide anymore,“ she whispered and smiled.

„Unless we’re having sex in the office…“

„You’re killing me,“ Stella said.

„I’d love to go with you,“ Scully whispered and put her head against Stella’s chest. She still had something on her mind. She slid of the table, standing on shaky legs. Stella helped her back into her panties, smoothing the dress back in place. 

„Let’s go home,“ Stella said and Scully gathered her belongings before they started to walk back to their place. 

She could feel the evidence of sex clinging to her skin, she probably smelled like it too but she tried not to let that distract her until the walked through the front door. They barely made it over the threshold, kicking the door shut before Stella was pinned against it in an instant, her lips sealed with a hungry kiss. 

They didn’t even make it to the bedroom, leaving them in a mess of pillows and clothes in the middle of the living room in the exact same spot where they ended up eating leftover pasta for tea with nothing but a blanket wrapped around them. Some of Dana’s stuff was still scattered all over the flat because they hadn’t made space to put it away properly. Stella remembered the times when it would have driven her crazy and unsettled her deeply to be living in such a mess but then she cast a sidewards glance at Dana, thinking that a little bit of a mess wasn’t quite so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)


	20. I Feel It As This Heavenly Picture, My Heart With New Emotion Fills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/StellaxScully.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/StellaxScully.jpg)   
> 
> 
> __
> 
> The amazing drawing has been made by <https://laywithmeart.tumblr.com>

_The young prince Tamino was sent out by the Queen of the Night to save her daughter Pamina, who was taken by Sarastro. The bird catcher Papageno, assigned to accompany the prince on his quest, receives a gift from the Queen’s attendants: a magic flute and chimes. While Pamina awaits her rescue the prince and the bird catcher embark on a journey with the promise, that Pamina will forever be his._

_(The Magic Flute)_

***

Stella stood in the kitchen, clipping on a pair of tiny earrings. She waited for Dana, wondering what she’d be wearing because she had refused to tell her a few days ago. Stella sighed, remembering the story of the opera. She had seen _The Magic Flute_ at the opera many years ago but, apart from the Queen of the Night, there wasn’t much she remembered about it. She had been intrigued and intimidated at the same time and until this very day the Queen of the Night had remained within her memory as an incredibly proud woman, a soprano with a fantastic voice and it was no secret that, although she only had a very limited number of arias in the entire opera, it was one of the hardest and most beautiful roles in the world of opera. It was something Stella had never forgot and it made her smile with longing, regretting that she hadn’t been to the opera more often. There had been so much going on in her life that it hadn’t appeared necessary and what was it worth if there was no one to share and appreciate it with? Maybe now, that her life seemed to settle down somehow, it might be the right time to start something new.  
She was certain that, during her years with the FBI, Dana didn’t have much time to indulge in such pleasantries and, with all due respect, she couldn’t imagine Mulder being the kind of guy to take Dana to the opera. There were so many fantastic plays around that Stella thought she needed to make a list to start appreciating everything they had missed out on over the years.

 

Stella sighed, wanting to calm her nerves for several reasons. The tickets for the opera had been a gift from work and while she didn’t mind, it also meant that some of her colleagues might be around as well and she wasn’t quite so sure she was in the mood for that.  
There was a small difference to previous engagements like these: she never left these gatherings alone but this time she wouldn’t show up on her own in the first place. Stella took a deep breath and decided not to refill her wine glass and put it aside. As far as she remembered the opera was quite long, maybe she should have something to eat before they left? Before she had a chance to make up her mind she saw something move in the corner of her eye and, whatever she had just had on her mind vanished the second she saw Dana walk into the room, wearing a simple royal blue strapless dress that fell all the way to her feet. It worked perfectly with her pale skin and her red hair, that was tied back in a simple bun.

Stella herself had opted for a simple black dress without wanting to draw too much attention to herself, always hoping to get lost in the crowd somehow but she knew that it was impossible with Dana by her side. She quietly admired the sight in front of her, feeling incredibly lucky while Dana smiled shyly. She bit her lip, hoping it wasn’t too much. It had taken her ages to pick a dress because she wasn’t sure what the appropriate attire would be. She couldn’t remember that she had ever been to the opera and she had felt slightly unsure as to what to wear. She didn’t want to stand out, didn’t want to make a fool of herself. She had never had the chance to go to occasions that had required her to dress up like this, except for that hideous movie premiere and that had been more for the laughs than something she had ever taken serious.

Dana nervously fidgeted with her hands, blushing slightly under Stella’s gaze.

„I… I can go and change,“ she said softly because she didn’t know what else to say and she was still a little uncomfortable with too much attention.

„No,“ Stella said softly and pulled her closer by the hand. „No, No. You look beautiful,“ Stella said and kissed her softly.

„Thank you,“ Scully replied, feeling a little relieved. „So do you,“ Dana said and put her hands on Stella’s hips. 

For a moment it was quiet and Stella wished that they didn’t have to leave the house any minute, it was such a precious moment that she didn’t want to let go.

„Dance with me?“ Stella whispered against her lips and Dana laughed softly, leaning against her.

„I’d love to,“ she said and Stella took a deep breath. She still felt a little tense when she thought of the evening that laid ahead.

„What’s the matter?“ Scully asked and put her arms around Stella’s neck; she shrugged.

„Tell me,“ Scully said and smiled, she knew that something was bugging her and she wanted to make sure they were on good terms before they were out in public.

„I’m just,“ Stella tried, wondering what the right word was but in the end she could only come up with one that perfectly and honestly described what she felt. „Nervous,“ she said softly and bit her lip.

„Why is that?“ Scully asked.

„I have usually avoided these things,“ Stella said. „Some of my colleagues will be there and… I don’t know it just feels strange.“

„Oh,“ Scully said, trying to make sense of what she had just said.

„Don’t get me wrong,“ Stella said and her fingers gently brushed against her cheek. „It’s not you, not at all. It’s just me… and… what I used to do.“

Stella took a deep breath, trying to explain herself. She had mentioned it briefly every now and then but she didn’t want Dana to have a wrong impression of her.

„It’s not like I’ve been friends with any of my colleagues,“ Stella said and took a deep breath. „They think they know me… I’ve never attended these gatherings and if I did I used to show up alone but I never left alone,“ she said.

„I understand,“ Scully said, slowly understanding why it was bothering her so much.

„It just feels… strange,“ Stella said. „They always expect me to do such a thing, I know they’re talking about it.“

„Since when does that bother you?“ Scully asked and Stella shrugged.

„It didn’t matter,“ Stella said. „But I’m not alone in this any longer,“ she said and that was the real reason for her concern. She didn’t want Dana to get a wrong impression and she didn’t want her to be in the middle of all their gossip.

„Exactly,“ Scully said. „You are not alone.“

„It doesn’t bother you?“ Stella asked.

Scully took a deep breath, a part of her wanted to say ‚yes‘ but the truth was that it wasn’t any of her business. It was a part of Stella’s life and her past and she wouldn’t be the one to judge her for it.

„No,“ she said. „It doesn’t. Now, let them talk all they want, you won’t be on your own,“ Scully said and Stella kissed her.

„You are so much more than I deserve,“ Stella said. „Shall we go?“

A couple of minutes later they were sitting in the back of a taxi, both lost in their own thoughts. Scully wondered what to expect because she had never met any of Stella’s colleagues except for that one time when she had been looking for her and went to her office.  
She wanted to know what they were like and she wanted to prove them all wrong with the image they had of the woman she loved. She had also thought about the opera and what to expect. She had heard of _The Magic Flute_ , of course. Mozarts’ famous last work and she knew the tunes but if someone were to ask her what it was about she wouldn’t know what to say. She decided not to worry about it and take it as a surprise. The whole atmosphere felt exhilarating and magical somehow and it created a lovely contrast to the troubles they had recently encountered in their lives. To escape into such a fascinating world suddenly seemed like something they both needed and maybe, just for a couple of hours, there would be nothing to worry about at all. She forgot about the argument she had had with Mulder; her baby and the upcoming Mother’s Day and the feeling of having fucked up all the way.

She reached out for Stella’s hand, entwining their fingers and from the corner of her eyes she saw her lips curl into a soft smile. Stella looked out of the window, trying to calm her raging heart. She never gave a damn about the impression other people had of her, so why did it matter all of a sudden? 

She knew it wasn’t just the opera but another standing invitation later that evening. Irene had asked them to come over that evening because she was hosting one of her fancy parties and Stella was the only one who knew very well what these ‚fancy‘ parties entailed and that was the fact that made her heart hammer furiously against her chest. At first she thought the idea of taking Dana to Irene’s had been exciting and full of possibilities but now she wondered whether accepting had been a mistake after all given the fact that Dana knew nothing of her luck just yet. She could always call it off, knowing that Irene would probably be too busy to even notice. She didn’t want to be rude and she wanted Dana to meet her, Irene was her only true friend after all, but maybe it would have been better to meet up for coffee first.

Stella took a deep breath; she had no clue how Dana would react to all of this, she wasn’t stupid after all but maybe she should have explained a few things first because it might raise more questions than it probably answered and that unsettled Stella more than she liked to admit. She did have her fair share of sexual encounters with Irene; she wasn’t ashamed of it but it would certainly put her in a position to explain herself. She decided not to worry about it until it was time to do so and tried to focus on the beautiful evening ahead. She held Dana’s hand, softly squeezing while the taxi took them through the crowded streets of London; they were dropped of close to Covent Garden, slowly making their way through the busy crowds toward the Royal Opera House on foot.

Scully followed Stella, holding onto her hand so she wouldn’t get lost in the crowd. There were far too many people out here for her liking and she was reminded of why she had always avoided places like this. There were too many people and too many tourists around and Scully had never been able to enjoy herself in such busy places. This time she wasn’t on her own and she knew it was just a small part of their way; she had someone to rely on and lead the way so she allowed herself to let her gaze wander and admire the place she now found herself in.  
At first Scully had been nervous, thinking they must be standing out against the regular crowds in their fancy dresses but in the end she thought it didn’t matter, they were in London after all and she had seen people wearing far more ‚interesting‘ things. She smiled at Stella, who had turned around to make sure Dana didn’t get lost. Scully saw the opera house behind them and the crowds cleared just a little. The beautiful ancient white building throned above the plaza not to far away. The color of the building created a beautiful contrast against the evening sky and the slowly fading daylight, lit brightly by dozens of headlights. 

„Here we go,“ Stella said and walked next to Dana; they were heading towards the entrance where few people were waiting to be admitted before they were allowed into the entrance hall. 

It was obvious that this was not a public affair but rather a premiere with special audience. Scully looked around, thinking that quite a few people around were old enough to be her grandparents but they were probably among those financing the operas work after all. Some were dressed just as elegantly while others seemed awfully out of place and Scully wasn’t quite so sure that most of the fur she saw around wasn’t faux. She smiled at the decadence that seemed ridiculous and entertaining at the same time. 

„Ready?“ she asked and looked at Stella. 

If Scully wasn’t mistaken she seemed a little nervous. It was adorable but it also made her feel a little uncomfortable because she wasn’t used to that. 

„Yes,“ Stella said and nodded, handing over their tickets. 

„It’ll be ok,“ Scully said when they stepped into the entrance hall and Scully couldn’t help but smile. 

Everything was so beautiful and elegant, taking her into a far off world that she had only known from dreams and stories. „Do you know anyone around here?“

„I’ve seen a few faces before,“ Stella said and wordlessly nodded at someone at the other side of the room. „I’m not sure I would like to talk to any of them though.“

„You don’t have to,“ Scully said, walking a few steps ahead. She slowly twirled around and her excitement put a smile on Stella’s face. 

„Don’t fall over,“ Stella said and laughed. „I need a drink, come on.“

They still had about thirty minutes before the performance was about to start which gave them plenty of time to drop off their coats and wander through the opera before it was time to find their seats in the auditorium. 

„You are so quiet,“ Dana said softly, holding a glass of champagne in her right hand. 

„I was just… thinking about something,“ Stella said; she was starting to feel a little embarrassed by not being able to bring it up. 

„Just tell me,“ Scully said, knowing that something had been bugging her all afternoon. „It can’t be your colleagues,“ she said and looked around. „I couldn’t care less about any of them but I do care about you. So?“

Stella took a deep breath and smiled; she stopped walking and stood in front of Dana. 

„Do you remember my friend Irene?“ Stella asked and Scully tried to, wondering whether Stella had ever told her anything about that mysterious woman. 

„I remember that you mentioned her once, did I miss something?“

„No, you haven’t,“ Stella said. „I’d like you to meet her.“

„Is that why you’ve been nervous all night?“ Scully asked and Stella shrugged with a smile. 

„She’s invited us over to a party she’s hosting tonight,“ Stella said. „At her house.“  
„A party?“ Scully asked. „What like… a dinner party?“

„Well, I’m sure there’ll be food,“ Stella said with a smirk and Scully had a puzzled look on her face. 

„Are you playing with me?“

„Maybe,“ Stella said and bit her lip, feeling a little relieved. „Irene is… an interesting woman. She has a… let’s call it a very peculiar taste when it comes to certain things,“ Stella said and Scully didn’t miss the sparkle in her eyes, knowing that there was more than Stella was giving away. 

Scully raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend, feeling utterly delighted that she had just thought about her that way. She had an idea of what this party must be like - or so she thought.  
„What did you say your friend… Irene? Did for a living?“ she asked. 

„I didn’t say anything,“ Stella said and chuckled, knowing what Scully was trying to do but she saw right through it. 

She had aroused her curiosity and she’d let her simmer on that all evening, wondering what she would find at that party. She liked that thought, causing her insides to tingle with anticipation but she decided to give Dana just a little bit, she didn’t want her to be distracted all evening and not being able to enjoy the beautiful piece of opera they were about to see. 

„Now you’re teasing me,“ Scully said and licked her lips. 

„Yes, I am,“ Stella whispered softly, put her hand on Scully’s hips and pulled her a little closer. 

She saw that Dana held her breath, waiting. 

„I’ll tell you this,“ Stella whispered against the soft skin of her neck. „The party is not what you would expect but we can have some nice food, drink a little,“ she said and her teeth softly grazed the skin, causing Scully to gasp.

„And then… maybe I will,“ Stella took her sweet time but they were interrupted by the bell, announcing that they were to find their seats in the auditorium. 

Stella pulled back with a smile on her face, knowing exactly what she had just done; she could see it in Dana’s eyes and it made her heart beat with excitement. 

„You will do what?“ Scully asked and put her empty glass on a nearby table. 

„I think that’ll have to wait,“ Stella said sweetly. „Shall we find our seats?“

„You are awful,“ Scully said and Stella chuckled. 

„You have no idea,“ she said and led the way. 

Her thoughts vanished the moment they stepped into the auditorium; Scully looked around, mesmerized by what she saw. The color of the dark red seats was utterly soothing and comforting. They sat down and leaned back in the chairs; Stella sighed and smiled to herself. 

„You are really enjoying yourself, aren’t you?“ Scully said. 

„Why wouldn’t I?“ Stella said innocently. 

„Just tell me!“

„It’s a surprise,“ Stella said.

„I don’t like surprises,“ she said and looked straight ahead. 

She liked the sound of the orchestra getting ready for the performance. There was so much excitement in the air as people were trying to find their seats and musicians were getting ready. 

„Liar,“ Stella said. „It’s not… bad. Don’t worry, otherwise I wouldn’t take you.“

„I believe you,“ Scully said and Stella took her hand, holding it between their seats.  
„Have you ever seen it before?“ Stella asked and nodded toward the stage. 

„No, have you?“

„Yes, but there isn’t much I remember, it was a long time ago.“

„I never did anything like this,“ Scully said. 

„Well, now you have all the time in the world,“ Stella said. „Enjoy,“ she said and the lights went out. 

For a split second everything was dark and the conductor entered the orchestra pit. Stella leaned over and kissed her softly once before the music started. Scully leaned back and closed her eyes, enjoying the music and the soft tunes that slowly turned into something more dramatic by the second, announcing that something bad must be happening. 

It didn’t take long before Tamino entered the stage; he was saved from a monster by three old ladies and slowly Scully tried to follow the story that was playing out on stage. As it was tradition the opera had not been translated but was shown in german; there were surtitles to follow in English but Scully considered that rather distracting. Somehow she recognized a few words here and there from the german classes she had taken half a lifetime ago but she found herself able to follow the story without knowing every single word. 

Stella watched Dana quietly, amazed by what she saw. She seemed so relaxed and happy and Stella thought she hadn’t seen that since they first met. They had their happy moments but nothing had ever been so carefree and lovely. She knew that she loved her dearly and it bothered her that she had not found the right time to tell her so. 

She knew that Dana knew it and she admired her for not pushing it, for not expecting her to say it but it was exactly what Stella wanted. She didn’t remember the last time she had told anyone that she loved them, there was no point, so even the thought appeared somewhat strange but Dana was different to her. She deserved it, deserved to know that she was loved dearly. She had been thinking about it again and again wondering when the time would be right but did it really matter or had she simply been trying to avoid it?  
The first two acts passed faster than Stella had anticipated, thinking that everything simply had appeared much longer as a child. It had been about an hour and yet it hadn’t felt quite so long. She found herself intrigued by the music and the play that was unfolding in front of them. At some point her thoughts had drifted off a little, thinking about teasing Dana but then she cast her a sidewards glance and saw how happy she seemed and she didn’t want to ruin that moment and distract her from it; she wanted her to enjoy it and forget everything around herself.  
On second glance Stella had to admit that their attire wasn’t quite so practical for naughty teasings in a sold out auditorium; a floor length dress didn’t make it quite so easy to let her hands wander on the insides of her thighs where she knew the skin was all warm and soft. Stella found herself squirming a little in her seat, reminded herself that there was plenty of time for this later tonight. 

Her attention was brought back to the opera performance when the Queen of the Night entered the stage and Stella found herself remembering the song. She didn’t know what the lyrics meant, she had long forgotten about that and she didn’t want to look away either. She didn’t care about the translation, her eyes glued to the stage where the Queen was singing with quite an impressive voice that earned her a dashing applause when she finished. Stella knew it wasn’t common to applaud during an opera but most people never understood that. As they were eager to express their excitement and gratitude towards the singers most people failed to realize that they were disturbing an ongoing performance. Usually Stella felt herself extremely irritated by people who seemed incapable of following such rules but tonight she decided not to let her spirits be ruined by anyone. 

After almost ninety minutes the curtain fell and the lights lit up the darkness, causing them to blink a few times to get used to the sensation. There was a twenty minute break and Scully was glad to be able to get up for a little while; she had almost forgotten how exhausting it could be to sit still for such a long time. 

„Are you enjoying yourself?“ Stella asked and leaned against Scully as they walked by tables, and people enjoying their drinks. 

„Yes,“ Scully said softly, leaning against the banister while Stella hugged her from behind; they watched the scene in front of them quietly for a few seconds. People were chatting and laughing, gathering at the bar to get a drink before the break was over. 

„It is beautiful,“ Scully said. „Even more so than I expected,“ she said and Stella put her chin on her shoulder. 

„I’m glad you’re enjoying it,“ she said and put her arms around Scully’s waist. „I was afraid you wouldn’t.“

„Why is that?“ Scully said and turned her head. 

„Opera is not for everyone, some people just don’t like it,“ Stella said. „But I’m glad you do,“ she said and placed a kiss on her shoulder. 

„DSI Gibson what are you doing?“ Scully asked, keeping her gaze straight ahead. „Someone’s going to see us.“

„Mhm,“ Stella said without letting go. „I really don’t care. They’ll talk about me anyway so let’s just give them something,“ Scully chuckled and leaned against her. 

„I’m gonna go to the restroom real quick before we’ll have to go back,“ Stella said. 

„You want something to drink?“ Scully asked and Stella nodded. „I’ll go down to the bar and get something.“

„I’ll meet you back here in a few,“ she said and before they parted Scully made a quick decision. 

She put her hand under Stella’s chin and softly kissed her on the lips before she turned around to make her way through the people to get their drinks. 

Scully pushed herself through the crowd until she reached her destination, ordering two glasses of white wine and waited. She watched the people around her with no one paying attention to the redhead by the bar while Scully was suddenly drawn to two guys in suits, both presumably a little younger than her. They were curiously eyeing the crowd, particularly the ladies, she assumed and what caught her attention was the fact that she had heard Stella’s name being mentioned and if Scully wasn’t mistaken one of the guys was someone she had seen before. She couldn’t remember his name but she was certain that Mulder knew him; Scully just wasn’t sure whether he recognized her. 

„Looking for someone in particular?“ the guy, whose name she couldn’t remember, said and leaned against the bar. 

„I thought I’d try Stella Gibson,“ the guy said, sounding pretty sure of himself. 

„She’d eat you alive, mate,“ his companion said and laughed. „Don’t even go there.“

„I thought it was common knowledge she never leaves these gatherings on her own? Isn’t that what she’s here for?“

„I wanna see you try,“ he said and they both laughed. 

„One does not simply hit on Stella Gibson unless she chooses you,“ one of them said and Scully thought:

_„Damn right, you don’t!“_

She paid for their drinks, took both glasses and made up her mind. She wasn’t quite the jealous type but she now felt like putting them right; she could be mad and bitch at them but she took a deep breath and decided that there was a far better way to do this, after all she did have a little more class than these two wanna-be gentleman. 

„Good evening,“ she said sweetly and stepped in front of the two guys, who immediately straightened their spines. 

They looked at her, probably wondering who she was going to offer the drink to but she had no such thing in mind. 

„It seems that you two were looking for someone to have a little fun with,“ Scully said as sweetly as possible, biting her lip as she did so.

She could see that they were embarrassed because she had been eavesdropping on their conversation. 

„Since you two seem to be so fond of Stella Gibson,“ Scully said and started to enjoy herself. 

„Let me tell you something. Neither one of you has the slightest hint of a chance with my girlfriend so, to spare you the humiliation, although you probably deserve it, I’d like you to not even try and mind your own business.“

She finished, trying not to laugh at the priceless look on their faces and turned around without saying another word. She didn’t need to hear their excuses, nor did she care. She carefully navigated the drinks through the crowd, making her way upstairs to where Stella was waiting already. She felt proud of herself and it felt good. 

„What’s up with that smug smile on your face?“ Stella said with a laugh and took the glass of wine that Scully handed her. 

„I think I just met two of your lovely colleagues,“ Scully said and sipped her wine. 

„Oh shit, no,“ Stella said, thinking that nothing good must have come from this. She knew her own reputation among them and she had meant to keep Dana out of this. 

„Don’t worry,“ Scully said, scanning the crowd from her position. 

She found the two guys still standing by the bar, dumbfounded by her statement. They were looking up just now, wondering whether she had said the truth. „I’m a big girl. I took care of it.“

„I wouldn’t doubt it for a second,“ Stella said and stood beside her. 

„Kiss me,“ Scully said and leaned in, taking her time to enjoy the sweet moment; there was an incredibly amount of satisfaction when she realized that they were being watched. 

The kiss was interrupted by the bell, announcing the end of the break and it was time to find their seats for the third, and final, act of the opera. Scully wondered what was going to happen, hoping that Pamina would find happiness and be saved after all. She leaned back in the chair, feeling a little more at ease with herself and the world, and sipped her wine when the lights went out. She knew they probably weren’t allowed to take the drinks inside but she had secretly snuck it inside when it got busy by the doors. 

Stella took Dana’s hand, absent-mindedly playing with her fingers. She felt that something had changed and she liked it. She knew that the beginning of the third act was long, time dragging by until they reached the grand finale. She liked the end but she also remembered that she had been prone to falling asleep towards the end of it. She didn’t want it to happen, it was a very rude thing to do but sometimes it just happened. She sat in the semi-darkness, holding her girlfriend’s hand and at some point she moved in a little and put her head on Dana’s shoulder. The music was soothing and the smell of Dana’s perfume smelled lovely on her bare skin. She wanted to kiss the skin and taste it, wanted to feel her with every inch of her own body. It was then that she remembered that they still had other plans for tonight and Stella bit her lip, would it really be the right decision to take Dana to that party? 

Then again she had just said it, she was a big girl and it was nothing she couldn’t handle. They didn’t have to stay long and maybe they should just give it a try. The third act passed by just as slow as she had expected but she loved it anyway. Maybe she was just eager to get out of here all of a sudden. She listened to the last aria of the Queen of the Night that was even more impressive than the first one. The opera changed its pace and the relief slowly set in; Prince Tamino and Papageno have been put through different trials and Pamina was saved before she could end her own life out of despair and all seemed well in the end. 

Stella knew that they would have their trials to deal with but she was certain they would find a way. The curtain fell after about three hours and Dana looked deeply touched and moved by what she had just seen. Stella looked at her, gently touching her cheek with her hand. 

„Let’s get out of here,“ Scully said. „I thought we have a party to attend to,“ she said because she hadn’t forgotten about the teasing and she’d lie saying she wasn’t curious as hell; she wanted to meet Stella’s friend after all. It took them a while to get their coats and get out of the opera, let alone get a taxi to head to Belgravia and much to Scully’s dismay they didn’t run into the two guys from the bar although she would have loved to rub it in their faces. There was a strange sense of intimacy now that they were cuddled up in the back of the taxi, pretending they were all by themselves. 

„Last chance to change your mind,“ Stella said softly and put a hand on Dana’s knee, still cursing the damn long dress for she was not able to sneak her hand beneath it no matter how hard she tried. Scully was snuggled up against her side, thinking that there was nothing she would change about any of this. 

„No, I don’t want to,“ she said and turned her head, their faces only inches apart. 

She raised her left hand, because the other one was caught somewhere between their bodies, and put it on Stella’s cheek, pulling her in for a flush kiss that slowly turned into something more heated. She moaned softly into Stella’s mouth, feeling slightly awkward when she remembered that they weren’t on their own and she definitely didn’t have enough to drink to not give a shit about this. Her cheeks blushed a little but it remained hidden by the darkness of the back of the car and Stella chuckled against her lips. 

„Right, save that for later,“ Stella said and kissed her again before she looked out of the window. 

The drive suddenly appeared endless and they would have been faster to take the damn tube but maybe, Scully thought, that wasn’t such a smart idea after all. About twenty minutes later the driver dropped them off in Belgravia, in front of a fancy house that looked like it cost a shitload of money and again Scully wondered what the hell Irene was doing for a living. It must be paying her well to be living in such a gorgeous place in an incredibly beautiful neighborhood. 

Stella held the door open for her, holding her hand while they took the small steps leading to the front door. It was opened before they had a chance to even knock; they were asked in by a young woman, wearing black trousers, a white blouse and a tie. 

„Pleasure to see you Ma’am,“ the young woman said, addressing Stella and Scully had a feeling that this wasn’t the first time they had met.

„You’ve been expected already,“ she said and turned around to take something out of a box. She faced them, handing them both a simple black mask, similar to the one they had worn for Halloween last year and Scully felt herself growing a little nervous and excited. 

„Please put these on, I’ll let her know that you are here,“ she said and disappeared without another word, leaving them both alone with their thoughts. Scully turned toward Stella with a questioning look on her face. 

„Her?“ she asked, wondering why she was being referred to by a simple pronoun and not her first name. 

„In some circles she’s also known as ‚The Woman’,“ Stella explained. „I meant to give you a warning,“ Stella said apologetically. „Whatever happens at the party stays at the party.“

„Oh, that’s the kind of party it is?“ Scully said, trying to sound more confident than she suddenly felt. 

Stella shrugged and laughed. 

„Just put this on,“ she said. „Don’t worry, Irene just likes to be fancy,“ Stella said, hoping it would help to take the edge of a little. „Remember the last time we wore these?“ Stella said in a low voice and ran her tongue across her lips. 

„Yes,“ Scully said. „That’s exactly what’s starting to worry me,“ Scully said in a hushed whisper and Stella laughed. „Did you know this?“

„I had an idea…“

„Please tell me this is not a swinger party,“ Scully said and felt herself panicking a little. 

„No,“ Stella said and laughed, taking her hand. „Well, unless you want it to.“

„For fuck’s sake, Stella!“ Scully said but it didn’t sound quite as serious as she would have liked it to. Before they had a chance to continue their conversation the door opened and this time Kate was gone, that was her name, now Stella remembered. 

„Look what the cat dragged in,“ the woman purred softly with an impeccable British accent. She was wearing a dark green dress that pooled by her feet with a cleavage that concealed almost nothing at all but by the looks of it she could basically pull off anything. Her hair was tied back and her lips painted with a dark red color. She moved gracefully and determined, making it clear that she was the lady in charge. Scully had no doubt that she was looking at the infamous Irene Adler. 

„Lovely to see you, my dear,“ she said and walked over to Stella, kissing her on both cheeks. 

On any other day she would have been bold enough to kiss her on the lips because she could, but she knew that the woman next to her friend obviously meant a lot to her so she needed to move carefully and causing too much drama usually wasn’t on her agenda. 

„Well,“ she said softly and stepped back to admire her visitors; Scully felt slightly intimidated under Irene’s gaze. 

She wasn’t quite so sure what to make of it; she wasn’t used to that. „You must be Dana,“ the woman said and held out her hand. 

„Pleasure to meet you,“ Dana said and it took all her strength to keep up her voice because the whole situation was starting to feel a little strange, unknown somehow. 

„Irene Adler,“ she said, took Dana’s hand and leaned in to kiss her cheek. 

Dana didn’t miss the fact that she lingered just a bit too long for it to be casual and wondered what she had gotten herself into. What confused her even more was how she wasn’t entirely put off but intrigued somehow. Irene smelled wonderful and the sudden attention brought her senses to life. It was forbidden and alluring at the same time. Irene winked at Stella and motioned for them to follow her.  
„Come on in then,“ Irene said and walked ahead. „Make yourselves comfortable, take what you need and do whatever you have to do,“ she said and excused herself for a moment to talk to Kate. 

„Just relax,“ Stella whispered into her ear, staying close behind. 

„I’m gonna need more alcohol,“ Scully said. 

She didn’t have the chance to take in all her surroundings yet but she had a feeling it would be needed if only to help her relax a little more. The whole party wasn’t quite what she had expected and it was pretty hard to imagine that they were in the heart of London with the busy life going on outside. It felt like they were somewhere else, far away from all of it. 

„Mhm,“ Stella said and they headed for the bar. „Let’s go and get some. How about some food?“ Stella suggested, knowing that there must be something in the adjoining dining room. 

„That sounds like a great idea,“ Scully said, realizing that she was absolutely famished by now but she had been so excited that she had simply forgot about it. 

She finally looked around, following Stella who seemed pretty much at ease within the house. She appeared a little more relaxed by the surroundings and the company. Scully noticed that most people here were around her age and it wasn’t the kind of party that played loud music and had people dancing wildly. Everything was a little more laid back and relaxed; it was clear that this was a party with special guests, by invitation only. The thought of wearing a mask had irritated her a little at first but all of a sudden it seemed mysterious and it contributed to the gentle atmosphere; it also helped to take off the edge. 

They found a place to sit by the window, a spot that Stella had always loved and she knew that, if there wasn’t a party, Irene would keep a fluffy blanket in this space, light a candle and be just a little less terrifying than she sometimes appeared to be. As expected the food was delicious and they were now happily satisfied with fresh drinks in their hands. Stella leaned back, tempted to kick off her shoes. Scully turned towards her, one leg across Stella’s knees, giving her a chance to sneak her hand beneath the soft fabric of the dress. Her hand rested on Dana’s knee, exposing a bit of her thigh when the dress was pulled up but she didn’t mind at all. She leaned her head on one hand and watched Stella, all of a sudden the sparks in her eyes returned, making her shiver in anticipation. 

„Care to tell me what happened earlier?“ Stella asked, drawing light circles on Scully’s soft skin. 

„I ran into two guys who seemed to know you,“ she said. „Or they thought they did.“

„Do I want to know what they said?“ Stella asked because that small voice in the back of her head told her to just drop it. 

„It doesn’t matter,“ Scully said, somehow wanting to protect Stella from all of it. „But I may have said something,“ she said and her finger absent-mindedly playing with the edge of her glass, smiling at what she had said. 

„I told them,“ Scully said and leaned in a bit, her hot breath tingling on Stella’s lips. „That they haven’t got a chance in hell with my girlfriend!“ she whispered and waited for Stella’s reaction because neither had said it out loud before, not in front of the other. 

Stella was stunned for a moment but it didn’t take long for her to feel incredibly proud and happy about it and it didn’t feel quite as scary as she had always assumed. 

She laughed and put her hand on Dana’s cheek. 

„Thank you,“ she whispered with a smile before she pulled her in for a kiss, continuing where they left off in the taxi. 

Scully allowed herself to get carried away a little, slowly opening up against Stella until she moaned softly and remembered that they weren’t on their own for the second time that night. She became more and more aware of the hand that was still resting on her knee, slowly finding her way to a different part of her body and Scully immediately clenched her thighs together to stop Stella’s ascend and break the kiss. Her cheeks were flushed and she felt a little dizzy; the lack of oxygen in combination with the alcohol was slowly getting to her and although she found herself being incredibly turned on by the whole situation there was a huge amount of resistance within her. 

„We really shouldn’t be doing this,“ Scully whispered flush against Stella’s neck; her hand was still trapped between her legs and Stella had no intention to withdraw it. 

„Who cares?“ Stella asked and turned her head to force Dana to look at her. Her voice was soft and low, full of emotions and naughty promises. „Look around,“ Stella said. „No one is even paying attention to us.“

This time Scully did and she wasn’t sure whether to be appalled or aroused by the scenery unfolding in front of her. There was a fair amount of people that were, in fact, not paying attention to them as they were busy with themselves - and each other. Stella had been right about one thing and their intention was clear all of a sudden. Scully fought the urge to take off her mask, it felt too warm against her skin and she wanted to look at Stella without it but Stella stopped her. 

„You can take off everything else,“ she whispered and kissed Dana’s hand. „But that one stays on,“ she said quite firmly and Scully was taken aback by the demanding tone of her voice; it hadn’t been an offer but an order. 

Scully felt a shiver run down her spine and she would like to say that she didn’t feel incredibly turned on one way or the other but it felt embarrassing at the same time. Scully looked around again; while one half was busy making out with each other, the other half didn’t seem to mind at all and she was starting to think that she was the only foolish one in this room, not having known what to expect. 

Stella sensed her sudden discomfort and tried to soothe it somehow. She withdrew her hand from between her legs and cupped her face with both hands. 

„We can go to a different room,“ Stella whispered, lingering just a little in front of her swollen lips, waiting to be captured for another kiss. 

„What are we gonna do?“ Scully asked in a whisper as if she hadn’t already made up her mind.  
„Whatever you want,“ Stella whispered and kissed her hungrily, their tongues teasing each other until she was wet and aching for more. 

The next time they parted she saw someone approaching them with glasses in her hands. Irene was elegantly walking over, handing them both a glass with their drink of choice as if she had not just witnessed both women making out in the middle of the room. There wasn’t a lot of space but Irene found her space and Scully had almost expected her to sit next to Stella since they were friends but she was mistaken. Irene took the small space on the other side, sitting right behind Scully. She didn’t seem to mind that her personal space was probably non-existent, leaning against Scully’s back while she looked over her shoulder, gazing at her friend. 

„I hope you two have been enjoying yourselves so far?“ Irene asked and leaned against Scully; she felt Irene’s tits pressing against her back, feeling slightly tense when Irene was so dangerously close. She sipped her own drink while she appeared entirely unfazed by what was going on, and waited. 

„Yes,“ Stella said and moved a little, giving Dana a bit more space.

„Yes, we have,“ she said and Scully couldn’t tell whether Stella was annoyed or simply playing along with Irene. All of it felt slightly overwhelming so she busied herself with her drink, letting them both do the talking for now. 

„How about we take this upstairs?“ Irene suggested with a twinkle in her eyes, secretly wondering how far they’d go. I

t wasn’t like she wanted to persuade them to have a cheeky threesome, she just wanted to play a little, and if that’s where it took them she certainly wouldn’t decline the offer. 

„I could use a little break from all of this,“ she said and her free hand motioned towards the on-going party. 

Her other hand, Stella realized was casually resting on Dana’s hip and she wasn’t sure she liked what she saw. She wasn’t exactly the jealous type but then again she had never had anything to be jealous about. She was more concerned about Dana. She knew that she was perfectly capable of looking after herself but the situation she found herself in was quite unusual and Stella could tell that she didn’t know what to do. 

Scully kept her eyes on Stella, who had raised an eyebrow at her friend. She couldn’t see Irene’s face but she felt her hand on her hip. She didn’t want to appear rude or shy in any way, thinking that refusing what Irene was implying would be weird somehow. She put her own hand on Irene’s and entwined their fingers to keep her from wandering somewhere else. She downed the rest of her drink, put the glass on the window sill and got up, offering a hand to Stella before the courage left her. 

„Doesn’t sound too bad to me,“ Scully said and kept her eyes on Stella, a brief flash of surprise on her face. 

She wasn’t sure about any of this but she was getting positively drunk and maybe it would help to get used to the situation. If she was going to shed her clothes it would not be in a room full of people. Stella rose, standing closely behind Scully. Irene seemed delighted by the idea as she lead the way upstairs. Stella knew that there were two bedrooms upstairs, she had been to both of them. 

„You don’t have to do this,“ Stella whispered into her ear, hugging her from behind. 

„What if I want to?“ Scully said and leaned against her. 

Stella knew this wasn’t entirely true but she knew better than to point it out. Scully climbed the stairs with Stella’s body wrapped around her. She was drunk and nervous, a sudden fight or flight reaction seizing her. She was scared and at the same time all of this was so exhilarating and different from anything she had ever done, different from everything that was always expected of her. She wanted to do this, wanted to jump over the edge and break her boundaries though she didn’t know whether this would be the right way and whether she had had enough to drink to go through with it.  
It was quieter upstairs, the voices nothing but a faint whisper in the distance that would fade the minute they shut the door behind them and Stella prayed that Irene had put some of her toys away. She didn’t want to scare Dana more so than she had already had. To her own relieve the bedroom looked as ordinary as it could be; comforting and cozy with a Queen size bed in the middle. There were armchairs by the window and a very comfortable looking couch on the other side of the room. On the small table by the window were more drinks waiting and something told Scully that, maybe, it hadn’t been such a spontaneous decision after all. 

„Just relax,“ Irene said because neither of them had said a word since they walked in. „I just needed a little break, I can’t deal with too many people. It’s exhausting,“ she said and Stella smiled. As exhausting as it could be she knew that Irene loved being the centre of attention and, even more so, being in charge. 

„We could have come over for dinner,“ Stella said, not knowing whether she liked the whole thing. 

„Why waste a good party?“ Irene said and turned around, handing them both a glass of wine and Stella thought that she should not be having more as she had already lost track but accepted it anyway, so did Dana. 

„You’re just a beautiful as I thought,“ Irene said softly when she handed Scully the drink. 

„Thank you,“ she said, feeling a little dumb because she hadn’t done much to contribute to the conversation at all during the last couple of minutes.

***

Scully wasn’t sure how they had ended up in this position but a part of her was too far gone to care. She had too much to drink, it was starting to get late, or early for that matter, and she was tired; at the same time she was incredibly turned on and confused.

Stella had one hand tangled in Scully’s hair, the other on her hip. They were engaged in a slow and sensual kiss while Irene was quietly watching them. It had appeared strange to Scully at first but after a few moments she had forgotten that they weren’t on their own. While Irene was eager to join them, there was something about the way the two women interacted that held her back. They were so intimate and she knew that they must love each other and she didn’t have the heart to interrupt them just yet. Scully’s hands were on Stella’s backside, pulling her closer. She wanted to feel her as close as possible, moaning softly into her mouth. Her hands were wandering, her nerves on fire. It took every bit of strength not to cup her full breasts, tease her and strip her off that beautiful dress that Dana was wearing. She knew that Dana was enjoying the moment but she was also aware of them being drunk and she didn’t want her to regret anything in the morning. 

She didn’t know how long they’d been kissing when she saw Irene move from the corner of her eye, approaching them. Stella couldn’t take her eyes off Dana, sighing softly. Irene stood behind her and put her hands on Stella’s bare shoulder, placing a soft kiss between her shoulder blades. She raised her head a little, her eyes glistening dangerously.  
Scully had broken the kiss, watching quietly with a hint of surprise written across her face. She didn’t know Irene, didn’t know what they were in for but it seemed like Irene was challenging her somehow. All of a sudden Scully felt nervous, her heart hammering against her chest. She couldn’t imagine kissing someone other than Stella but she’d be willing to give it a try if that’s what Stella wanted and made her happy.  
Irene sighed softly and walked around them, standing behind Scully without saying a word. She put her hand on Dana’s hips, slowly leaning into her under Stella’s watchful eye. She didn’t miss a single thing and while she wasn’t quite so interested in what Irene was about to do she was more concerned about Dana’s reactions. Scully closed her eyes, leaning against Stella while Irene’s breasts were pressed against her back. She tilted her head a little, parting her lips on a soft moan before she sealed Stella’s lips with a hungry kiss. She felt Irene’s hands wander along the curves of her slender body, breaking the kiss to lean back against the mysterious woman who was ready to play with her. Scully tilted her head back, leaned it against Irene’s shoulder, without ever losing Stella out of sight. She turned her head slowly, lulled in by the mesmerizing scent of Irene’s perfume and the alcohol on her breath though it felt like she was as composed as ever. 

Stella watched carefully, knowing what Dana was about to do. She hadn’t missed the slight moment of hesitation that had flickered across her face before she took her eyes off Stella to lean in for a kiss that never happened. 

„It’s getting late,“ Stella whispered, her voice sounded low and hoarse. 

It was filled with a variety of emotions, arousal and a finality that put a stop to their motions. She raised her hand and put a finger on Irene’s lips, putting an end to this with a single movement. Irene understood that she wasn’t to go any further and that she might have gone a bit too far but they’d discuss that another time. The magic of the moment had disappeared and all of a sudden they returned to reality and it didn’t feel quite as arousing as it had a few moments ago. 

„I think we should be heading home,“ Stella said and stepped away without letting go of Dana’s hand; she wasn’t sure whether the look on her face was one of embarrassment or anger.

Irene nodded and stepped away, giving them some space. 

„Are you ready to leave?“ Stella said and looked at Dana; she nodded and avoided Stella’s eyes. She hated that feeling because this was the kind of situation she had ben trying to avoid and she was beginning to think that the whole thing had been a mistake after all. 

„Thank you for coming over,“ Irene said and reached for the glass that she had left behind on the table. 

„I hope to hear from you soon,“ she said and Scully couldn’t tell whether she was simply being courteous or offended. They said goodbye, dropped off their masks by the door and a couple of minutes later they were sitting in the back of a taxi, both lost in their own thoughts. While Stella was mostly angry with herself, Scully felt exhausted and confused; a part of her was angry with Stella but she knew that this feeling came from a different place. 

For some reason she was jealous; she knew that they had known each other for quite some time but she had never questioned their friendship or how they had actually met. She had always thought that it didn’t matter but tonight she had seen that there was more to it, or had once been. She wasn’t bothered by that because she knew that there had been a number of other people but the dimension of their friendship had unsettled her a little, it was like they were sharing a secret they wouldn’t let her in on and while she had been trying to force herself into something to be a part of it, she had realized that this was not for her.  
It bothered her because she didn’t know what she wanted any longer but maybe now wasn’t the right time to discuss any of this. She wasn’t being reasonable and maybe things weren’t quite as bad in the morning when they were sober again. Stella sensed that something was off but she couldn’t put her finger on it and she felt a dull headache throbbing in her temples; she was tired and slightly dehydrated. 

They made it back to the apartment in deafening silence and Scully kicked off her heels the minute they walked in, leaving Stella behind when she made her way towards the bathroom. She hadn’t meant to slam the door but it had happened as she was feeling more and more irritated by the whole situation. She started to take off her earrings, loosened the pins that held her hair in place and couldn’t wait to remove the makeup and get out of that dress. She gave herself a few minutes to calm down until there was nothing left but frustration. She took an ibuprofen, drank some water before she left the bathroom, holding a toothbrush in her hand. She knew that Stella was waiting; it was almost 3.30am in the morning and they both needed some sleep. Stella walked in, wearing a pair of sweatpants and a shirt she had found in the living room because everything felt more comfortable now that she was ready to call it a night. Scully was sitting on the edge of the bed, brushing her teeth and Stella couldn’t help but think that this was utterly adorable. 

„Wanna tell me what’s bothering you?“ Stella asked and walked in, standing between her parted knees. Scully shrugged and brushed her teeth; even if she’d wanted to say something she really wasn’t in a position to do so without drooling all over her shirt. 

Scully got up to rinse out her mouth and stood in the doorway, her arms crossed in front of her chest. 

„I shouldn’t have taken you there,“ Stella said. „But that’s not what’s really bothering you is it?“ Stella asked and approached a little. „You are jealous for some reason,“ she said and couldn’t help but smile because it was cute somehow. 

„Don’t say it like this, it sounds awful,“ Scully said and yawned. 

„You have no reason to be,“ Stella said softly and kissed her cheek before she pushed herself past Dana to get ready for bed. When she returned a few minutes later the only light came from the lamp on her bedside table and Dana was cuddled up on her side of the bed; she was still sulking, refusing to acknowledge Stella when she climbed into bed.  
„I know you are still awake,“ Stella whispered into her ear while she hovered above her. 

She had her eyes closed but Stella didn’t miss how the corner of her lips had curled up just a tiny bit. 

„Just to be clear about this,“ Stella whispered and leaned in a little closer. „You are the only one I want,“ she said and kissed the corner of Dana’s mouth before she switched off the lamp and settled back into the soft cushions, falling asleep almost immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested, _Die Zauberflöte (The Magic Flute)_ is actually playing at the Royal Opera in London from October 5th to 14th! It's one of my favorite operas and there's only one true Queen of the Night and that's the german soprano Diana Damrau, and incredibly humble and lovely woman!
> 
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> [Diana Damrau - Queen of the Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U5fqO8oMw0)
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> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)


	21. O Never Say That  I Was False Of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/vzmfvj5h5/Stella_Scully_NEW_Kopie.gif)   
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>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/vzmfvj5h5/Stella_Scully_NEW_Kopie.gif)   
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> A/N: Thank you for reading this story and sticking around. I really appreciate it! In the next few chapters we will take a closer look at Stella and I’m really excited about that. I changed a few things here and there in that chapter, don’t let that confuse you!

_O! never say that I was false of heart,_  
_Though absence seemed my flame to qualify._  
_As easy might I from myself depart_  
_As from my soul, which in thy breast doth lie:_  
_That is my home of love; if I have ranged,_  
_Like him that travels, I return again,_  
_Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,_  
_So that myself bring water for my stain._  
_Never believe, though in my nature reigned_  
_All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,_  
_That it could so preposterously be stained,_  
_To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;_  
    _For nothing this wide universe I call,_  
    _Save thou, my rose; in it thou art my all._

[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 109]

***

Scully woke up early - or so it felt. She couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes just yet. Going to bed so early in the morning had seriously messed with her usual rhythm, completely throwing her off. Her body felt heavy, wanting to go back to sleep while her mind was wide awake. She had a headache as a result of not getting enough sleep and while she lingered in no-man’s-land somewhere between being awake and asleep. Cocooned in sleep-warm sheets she remembered what had happened the night before. She felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her, or maybe it was simply the result of being slightly hangover.  
Stella was still asleep next to her and she wasn’t sure whether she was still angry at her or rather herself. A part of her didn’t even know why she was so upset while another part wanted and needed that. Maybe she was simply angry at herself but it seemed easier to blame it on someone else instead of dealing with it. She turned on her side and sighed softly, knowing that she needed to get out of the bed before she gave in to all these thoughts and let the anger consume her. Slowly she got up and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching for the knitted cardigan and put it on.

„You gonna make coffee?“ Stella asked quietly, her voice heavy with sleep. She turned on her side and hugged her pillow, facing Dana’s backside. 

„I’m still mad at you,“ Scully said without turning around. 

She was starting to get annoyed at herself for being so moody but maybe a good cup of coffee would do wonders. 

„Mhm,“ Stella hummed. „Can you be mad at me while you’re making coffee?“ she asked and Scully left her behind without looking back; it was harder than she had thought. 

It was during these quiet moments so early in the morning when she loved Stella most; when her body was warm from sleep and her features softened, when her hair was messy and her freckles shining through. Scully had always thought that she was most beautiful when she didn’t wear any makeup at all. These were the moments when she was just Stella, someone that most people didn’t get to see. 

A few minutes later Scully heard footsteps behind her and two arms embraced her from behind. Scully exhaled softly when Stella put her head on her shoulder. 

„I don’t like it when you’re mad at me,“ Stella whispered. „Please talk to me.“

The truth was that Scully didn’t know what to say so she shrugged. 

„I’m sorry I upset you,“ Stella said and Dana turned around. 

„I don’t know what it is,“ Dana said and leaned against Stella. She closed her eyes and melted into the embrace. 

Scully didn't mean to be moody because of that, it felt absurd now that they were both sober again and the memory of what could have been felt only slightly embarrassing and it wasn't quite as arousing as it had seemed a couple of hours ago. She remained within the protecting confines of Stella's arms, safe and warm. She yawned and closed her eyes, dying to go back to sleep and forget about everything that had happened. The smell of coffee invaded her sleepy senses, overpowering the urge to succumb to the fatigue. 

All of a sudden Scully started to laugh; it was a soft chuckle against Stella's shoulder that turned into full blown laughter with every passing heartbeat. It rippled through her body and brought tears of joy to her eyes that she wiped away with her pinky. 

"Are you laughing or actually crying?" Stella asked with a hint of surprise, trying to figure out what she was missing. 

"This was ridiculous," Scully said and looked at Stella before she turned around to poor them both a cup of coffee. "Thank you for taking me home."

"Would you have gone through with it?" Stella asked and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Would you have kissed her?"

Scully shrugged and handed her a cup. 

"I don't know," Scully admitted. "A little while longer and I probably would have agreed to almost anything. You stopped her."

"I did," Stella said. 

"Why did you?" Scully asked. "You seemed to be enjoying yourself."

"I was enjoying you and I didn't want you to be uncomfortable."

"Don't you think I can look after myself?" She smiled at the expression on Stella's face; something was unsettling her. 

"I shouldn't have brought you there in the first place."

"Actually," Scully said and put down her cup. "It wasn't quite so bad, I think I've been to worse places."

Stella smiled, feeling relieved although she knew that this conversation wasn't over yet; she could see the curiosity sparkle in Dana's eyes. 

"So," she said and put both hands on Stella's hips. "Tell me about your dear friend Irene. I think you owe me this much after last night. What the hell was this about?"

"Right, Stella said and bit her lip with a smile. "But we're gonna do it in bed, I'm cold.“

She took Dana's hand and her cup of coffee, leading her back to the bedroom. 

***

"Did you ever sleep with her?" Scully asked now that she was cuddled up in bed with Stella by her side. 

Stella looked up and the expression on Stella's face made her laugh; she shrugged apologetically. 

"Wow," Stella said. "That was subtle."

"Sorry," Scully said. "Don't worry, I don't wanna pick a fight. I'm just curious."

"Okay then," Stella said and cleared her throat. „Yes, I did."

Scully knew it, she had always known somehow and she wasn't really bothered but she couldn't deny the tiny bit of jealousy that sparked within her because somehow she didn't seem to like it either. It was part of Stella's past and it probably wasn't even any of her business and truth be told, she shouldn't be the one to call her out on this after sleeping with Mulder not too long ago. She would simply have to make amends with it and get over it. 

"Okay," Scully said. 

"Now what?" Stella asked. 

"Tell me," Scully said and turned towards her. "What does she do for a living to own such a gorgeous place?"

"She works in law enforcement," Stella said with a smirk. 

"Damnit," Scully said dryly. "Should've started working in England straight away if you guys earn so much more than we do," she said and they both knew there was more to it. "Spill it."

"She's a dominatrix," Stella said and sipped her coffee, laughing at Dana's reaction.

"I want to be shocked for some reason but honestly I'm not... So, that's how you met?" She asked and Stella raised an eyebrow at her. "I won't give up on this."

"We met while working on a case," Stella said a little more serious. "A few years ago. One of her clients ended up dead and she was one of the people we, or I, questioned," she said and put the empty cup on the bedside table. 

"It was all supposed to be a big secret, a classified case because Irene's clients could be well-known people and the last thing anyone needed was too much attention and getting the press involved," she said and Scully nodded; she knew how this worked.

"Well, that's it," Stella said. "That's how we met."

"So you'll tell me that you usually get involved with suspects or witnesses?" Scully teased, they both knew that this was never a clever thing and it usually led to nothing but trouble. 

"Irene was different somehow," Stella said and remembered how it had happened. "You've met her," she said. "That's how I got to know her. She was just like that; intriguing, dangerous and mysterious. I was drawn to her somehow and she made no secret out of being interested. At first I wasn't sure whether she just wanted to play a little bit I didn't really mind. I wasn't in a really good place back then but I didn't care."

Stella took a deep breath and wondered whether she had already said too much; Scully didn't interrupt her. 

"I knew what she was doing," she said and smiled to herself. "We had searched her place and I had questioned her. I knew I was moving on dangerous territory but that was exactly what had fascinated me so much," Stella said. "I wanted to know what she did, I wanted to get involved and burn my fingers."

"Did you?" Scully asked. 

Stella shook her head. 

„It hadn't exactly turned out the way I had imagined. I never thought I'd end up being friends with Irene, that's not what I did."

Stella turned on her side, facing Dana. 

"In the end we weren't so different from each other," Stella said. "We had so much in common. And the better I got to know her, the more I trusted her. She seemed to understand me and it was everything I needed back then."

Scully had always known that there was a great part of her own past that she still kept hidden and protected for several reasons. Scully would never pry and ask about anything, she didn't want to put Stella in a position where she felt that she needed to explain herself. 

"You don't have to tell me all of this," Scully said. "It really doesn't matter... I was just curious but you don't have to explain yourself."

"It's ok," Stella said. 

She had never told anyone about this because she thought it didn't matter but the truth was that she had never had anyone to talk to and she didn't want to shut Dana out. 

"We didn't sleep with each other regularly," Stella said and shifted a little. She put her head on Dana's tummy and looked at the ceiling. "I wouldn't even call it an affair... I don't really know what it was, just something we both needed every now and then. Control and letting go."

"Did you let her... Control you in anyway?" Scully asked. 

It was a strange thought, knowing that Stella was very keen on maintaining control over her life. She liked being in charge and somehow the thought of not doing so seemed a little off. 

"I did," Stella said. "As strange as it sounds. It was different, it was safe. I could have slept with any person I met in a bar without knowing who they were and what I would get myself into," she said and Scully nodded, maybe she was beginning to understand. 

"I had Irene. I trusted her, I knew her and I figured it would be a lot safer," she said and suddenly it appeared a little more relatable. Being reckless with a stranger in a bar was exactly how she had ended up with her tattoo. 

"I had so many responsibilities, so many people who expected things of me," Stella said and sighed. "Sometimes I was incredibly overwhelmed and, as much as I loved being in charge, I felt like I needed to let go. Every now and then I reached a point where I needed to get away, let go of the responsibilities and let someone else take over," she said and closed her eyes. 

She had loved the feeling of being wanted and taken, roughly sometimes when it had been a particularly bad day and she needed a reminder of still being alive somehow. She had needed the feeling of excitement; thinking of seeing Irene later in the day had always made her wet long before she had stepped into her house, knowing what to expect - or what not to. 

The feeling of Dana's hand in her hair, softly playing with it was utterly soothing. She had always believed that sharing these thoughts would lift a bit of the burden, that she carried on her shoulders, and make it all a little easier. She couldn't relate at this moment; she was annoyed with herself, unhappy somehow but maybe it would pass and get better with time. 

"I understand that feeling," Scully said softly. 

She had experienced it many times before and, except for that one night, she had never acted on it. 

"She's my friend," Stella said. "There is so much more to her. Believe it or not, she has a much softer side but others rarely get to see it. She has to keep up her reputation."

"I can imagine that being too soft wouldn't go down too well with her job," Scully said and Stella chuckled. 

"Depends on the client."

"I'm not sure I wanna know that.“

"But there's something else you want to know," Stella said and turned her head, looking up at Dana. 

"I won't ask you how you two had sex, that would be weird..." She said and Stella laughed. 

"But you thought about it," Stella said. "I know it," she teased and felt a little amused; it seemed to ease the unhappiness a little. 

"I think about a lot of things," Scully said, trying not to be embarrassed for being called out. "I'm just trying to understand.“

"Well," Stella said and thought that she wouldn't get into a lot of details. Suddenly she had an idea, she would do exactly what Irene had done to her. She would tease her a little and see how far she got with it. 

"She was gentle, most of the time. She was very precise with what she wanted and asked of me and I willingly complied. There was a lot of teasing; pain can be quite pleasurable," she said and didn't lose Dana out of sight for a second. 

"It made me crave more, it shattered me and it brought me to tears," Stella said and she could see that Dana was trying to put it all together, trying to work out what had happened. „It was dangerous and exciting and it was exactly what I needed,“ she said and if she wasn't mistaken then Dana wasn't put off but slightly intrigued. 

_Maybe,_ Stella thought. Maybe that's what Dana needs.

What if she ended up teasing her until she begged her to stop? Until she screamed with pleasure and couldn't take it any longer. Stella wanted to watch her body react to the touch of her hands, knowing that she was responsible for all the feelings it brought to life. 

She felt a soft tingle in her lower belly with all the possibilities that opened up to her but she had to save that for another day, now wasn’t the right time although their interrupted session last night had left her somewhat frustrated; maybe they’ll get to that later.

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed and cupped Stella’s face, leaning in for a kiss. „Thank you for telling me,“ she said and smiled. 

„I didn’t scare you away?“ Stella wanted to know.  
„No, not at all,“ Scully said. „Food or shower first?“ she asked and smiled against Stella’s lips. 

„Shower,“ Stella said and a couple of minutes later she stood in the shower, leaning against Dana’s soft and naked body while the hot water rained down on them. 

She closed her eyes and felt a little bit lighter than she had before. Maybe it was just her imagination or wishful thinking but for the time being she was utterly content with the whole situation.

***

The next couple of days passed quietly; they were both busy with work but Stella couldn’t help but think that their trip to the party, and everything that followed afterwards, had brought them together a little closer. Everything seemed fine and just the way it should be and maybe things were finally settling down a little.

It wasn’t until Stella woke up early in the morning on a Sunday, gently roused by the rising sun that was glistening on her face, when something changed.

It was too bright but tickling softly and she smiled a little before she opened her eyes. Everything seemed perfect until she felt that something was off. It was quiet until she noticed the soft sounds coming from the other side of the bed and she was slightly alarmed because she had not been able to identify these immediately. She propped herself up on her elbow, blinking a few times before she saw Dana curled up on her side of the bed, lying close to the edge. She had her back towards Stella, her shoulder moving with her uneven breathing. 

„Dana?“ Stella said softly, feeling a little alarmed when she sat up but Dana didn’t move nor did she respond. 

Scully found herself staring into thin air, curled up in bed to keep up whatever was left of her resolve. She had woken early, feeling deeply troubled. It was Sunday morning on Mother’s Day and Scully had spent the last couple of weeks trying to forget that the day even existed, telling herself that it didn’t matter. She had never dealt with it, never even acknowledged it because she had been so incredibly busy that the distraction had blacked it out but now things felt different. 

With Mulder things had been clear; they had never addressed the topic and never dealt with it and that seemed to work because she didn’t have a choice. Now that she was with Stella she had found a new partner and friend, someone she deeply trusted and with that newfound comfort she thought that she could no longer hide it. She wanted Stella to be a part of her life and she could no longer keep that burden to herself. 

Scully had wanted to be strong and push herself through the day, pretending that it was just another Sunday but the moment she had opened her eyes she felt herself crumbling, succumbing to almost seventeen years of unbearable pain, regret and never ending guilt. It crashed down on her like icy rain on a dark night; something that had happened to her months ago when her entire life had been a hopeless mess and that night had brought her to this very bed. 

During the last couple of years so many things had changed but there was one constant she could rely on and, as much as she hated to admit that, it hadn’t been Mulder although he should have been; it was the endless guilt and the pain that had choked her whenever she had allowed it to take over. She still hated herself for what she had done, for what she had been forced to do and although she knew that she couldn’t turn back time and make it undone she still found herself longing for the moment when she had let go of her child. She would go back just one more time and she would take her baby and run for her life, but she had given up. 

Scully felt the scolding tears quietly run down her face, trying to keep them at bay but it was hopeless. They were running down her face, onto her hand, leaving traces on the mattress. Her entire body was tensed with the effort to keep these feelings locked up but she knew she would lose the final battle any moment. She should have left, should have hidden somewhere until it was over. It might not take forever to pass but she knew that it would always be there to torture her. The moment she felt Stella move behind her she knew that there would be no going back. Her heart beat furiously against her chest, her fingers were trembling and all of a sudden she was scared, ashamed even. How could she look her in the eye and tell the woman she loved that she had given up her child because she hadn’t been strong enough?

She had made a lot of mistakes during the course of her life, from some she had learned and others had caused her pain but she had moved on. As much as she wanted to let go of the pain, and she knew that addressing it would be the only way to deal with it, she couldn’t do it. The pain had nurtured her through the worst years, it had kept her alive somehow. It was familiar and soothing, as excruciating as it felt. She had allowed for the shame and guilt to gain power when she had put a wall between herself and the negative thoughts; it wasn’t something she had been able to forget about. It had hidden, waiting for the right time to attack with all the strength it had gained over the years. 

It was Stella’s voice saying her name with so much love and concern that broke her and a slightly choked sob escaped her lips, muffled by her own hand. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath but it wouldn’t stop the tears from falling. 

„Dana?“ Stella asked again and sat up, moving a little closer. It was then that she realized what she had already been suspecting; she was crying and it was a sight she would never get used to. 

„Hey,“ Stella said softly and touched her shoulder, wondering what it was. 

Was it something she had done without having noticed? She knew they weren’t perfect and they still had a lot to learn; Stella still felt like she wasn’t good with these things and the last thing she wanted was seeing Dana in tears. 

What if she suddenly regretted her decision to stay with her? Stella bit her lip and tried to push that thought away. She knew it would kill her if Dana left her now. She had tried so hard to let her defenses down and let her in because she loved her with all her heart and she didn’t even want to think about it. Maybe that was the problem, she had never told Dana that she loved her. 

„Dana, what happened?“ Stella asked but Scully didn’t turn around. She tried to take deep breaths but there was an unbearable pressure on her chest and she could hardly breathe at all, let alone talk to Stella. 

„I… I just…“ Scully tried between sobs but words failed her. She didn’t even know where to start. 

„I can’t,“ she finally whispered, got off the bed and walked to the bathroom without looking back, leaving Stella behind. 

She sat in the middle of the bed, wondering what she had done that caused her so much pain. She decided to give her a little bit of space but when she heard the heartbreaking sobs echoing through the empty bathroom she got off the bed and knocked on the door but this time she didn’t wait for an answer, slowly opening the door. 

What she found there broke her heart; she felt a lump in her throat and tears flood her eyes but she quickly blinked them away. Stella stepped inside, finding Dana on the floor with her face in her hands. The sound of the heartbreaking sobs and the weeping was more than Stella could take. She went down on her knees and put her arms around Dana; she laid her head against her shoulder. Stella took a deep breath, sharing her pain although she still didn’t know what had caused it. 

Stella’s eyes glistened with unshed tears and it felt like an eternity until the crying finally subsided until there was nothing but soft weeping left and Dana’s body felt a little heavier in her arms, her head leaning against her shoulder. Stella raised her head and motioned for Dana to do the same. She gently cupped her face and kissed the tears away on either side of her cheek because she didn’t know what else to do or say. Dana’s face glistened with all the tears she had cried, her eyes were puffy and red and she suddenly looked very exhausted and drained of everything that had held her together for so long. 

„What happened?“ Stella asked calmly, her thumb softly caressing her cheek. 

„I… I made a huge mistake,“ Scully whispered, her voice was hoarse from all the crying. She tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down and prepare herself for what laid ahead. 

„It’s not you,“ she quickly added and touched Stella’s cheek with her slightly trembling hand. 

„It’s not you,“ she whispered. 

„You’ve saved me from all this mess when I needed it most,“ she said and a wave of relief washed over Stella because Dana wouldn’t leave and she had done nothing wrong. The feeling didn’t last long because she could see that Dana was in pain and that something troubled her deeply and yet she still had no clue what it was. 

„I made a mistake, a long time ago,“ she said and leaned back against the bathtub, holding Stella close. 

She felt that she needed someone to hold on to. She opened her mouth and tried to say it but the words failed her. She was terrified, an incredible pressure on her chest; instead of the truth there was nothing but fresh tears that she quickly wiped away with the back of her hand. 

„Just… take your time,“ Stella said and entwined their fingers, wondering how much she didn’t know about Dana and her past. 

At the same time she had to admit that there was just the same amount of painful, terrifying and shameful memories of her own past that she didn’t know about. She had never liked to talk about herself and share the gruesome memories that made up her earlier years but it might be time to tear down a few walls and give it a try. That moment Stella sat in her bathroom, holding the absolutely devastated and shattered woman that she loved dearly, she made a decision for both of them and it wasn’t something she had done in years or never at all, but it was time. 

„We can stay here as long as you need,“ Stella said softly and Dana looked down at their hands. 

„Do you… do you know what day it is?“ Dana whispered without looking up. 

„It is Sunday,“ Stella said, wondering what she had missed. 

It took her a few seconds until she remembered what she had seen at the grocery store a couple of days ago but she had never paid much attention; it had never been necessary. She had never bothered with it, it hadn’t been worth it at all. 

„Mother’s Day,“ she whispered more to herself and had sudden bad feeling about the whole situation. 

„Yes,“ Dana whispered, looked at the ceiling and bit her lip. "Sixteen years ago," she said and closed her eyes. "I gave birth to a little boy."  
She took a deep breath, leaving Stella instantly confused. If she had a child, then why had she never mentioned it? All of a sudden Stella had all sorts of things in her mind, trying to explain what might have happened just to push away the most terrible solutions. It slowly dawned on her that she had never mentioned her baby for reasons; there had never been a sign of a child anywhere in her life. 

"My beautiful baby boy," she said softly with a smile. "His name was William," she said and then she was quiet for a little while. 

Stella thought about it, trying to put it together. She wanted to know why she had never mentioned him before, what had happened and at the same time she knew that, sometimes, the truth was a very ugly thing that might better be left untouched for many reasons. She felt the pressure on her own chest, trying to be brave enough for both of them. In the end she didn't have to answer, didn't have to say anything if she didn't want to. 

"But what happened?" Stella asked and her voice was nothing but a soft whisper. She kept her gaze straight ahead, staring into the blank space in front of her while she held Dana's hand. For some reason she could not look at Dana at this very moment; she wasn't sure the pain wouldn't break her heart and she wasn't ready for that. 

"I... I gave him away," Dana said softly, her voice breaking at the end. "I gave him up because I couldn't keep him safe," she whispered and fresh tears ran down her face. 

Stella didn't miss the guilt that weighed heavily in these words and squeezed her hand a little tighter to let her know that she was still there. 

"I let him go because I wasn't strong enough to look after him and keep him safe," she said. 

"Don't say that," Stella said gently. 

She didn't know what her life had been like sixteen years ago, what kind of person Dana had been but she was certain that it had not been a lack of strength that had made Dana give up her child. 

"That's what I did!" She said a little louder. "There was just the two of us, my baby and me and I didn't know what else to do... I was terrified."

It might sound strange but Scully felt that she could not get into the details that had finalized her decision, a last resort and an attempt to keep her baby safe. 

"What about... Him?" Stella asked carefully. She hadn't said anything about the father but somehow Stella knew it already. 

"Mulder was... Gone," Scully said and shrugged. 

What else was she supposed to say? It didn't matter any longer. She knew that Stella wasn't too fond of Mulder for a variety of reasons and she was certain this would not work in his favor. 

"He just wasn't around... It was complicated."

Stella fought the urge to raise an eyebrow at that statement, trying to focus on Dana and what she needed.

"I had tried for so long," Scully said quietly, sounding incredibly sad. "I had tried to get pregnant again and again but it had always failed. At some point I had just given up... And... And by the time I found out I was pregnant Mulder had been abducted," she said quietly, trying very heart not to cry even harder.

"For a long time I didn't know whether he was alive or whether I'd ever see him again," she said and Stella leaned in a little, placing a gentle kiss on her shoulder. 

"I'm so sorry, love," she said. 

She had to admit that it wasn't quite what she had expected and hating on Mulder now appeared a little out of place. 

"One day," she said and took a deep, shaky breaths. "I got a call," she said and remembered that moment as if it happened yesterday. She still knew what it had felt like, how it had pulled the rug from under her feet and had her break down because she couldn't take it. 

"They said that they had found his body," Scully covered her face with one hand, trying to stop the sobs. "And a couple of days later I stood by his grave, thinking that my whole life had just fallen apart..."

Stella was deeply saddened and shocked at the same time; she found herself at a loss of words. She put an arm around Dana and held her as close as she possibly could. 

"I tried to make amends with it, tried to push through because I didn't have a choice. I was about eight months pregnant, trying not to be terrified and let myself fall apart when things changed.“

She leaned against Stella's chest, feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained but she had to keep going now. 

"What changed?"

"He was back," Scully whispered. "He wasn't dead," she said and it sounded like she didn't believe it herself. 

Stella was even more confused but she didn't want to ask too many questions while Dana was opening up to her. For her it was still all about Dana and her child.

"He wasn't the one we buried," she said. "Everything was different after that. „The moment I buried him something inside of me broke and I think it never healed. He was back and at the same time he wasn't... Things just went worse from that day on."

Scully spoke quietly, cuddled up in Stella's arms with her head nestled against her chest. Stella's hand drew small circles on her lower back, her cheek leaned against the top of Dana's head. She sounded a little quieter, exhausted somehow; there were no tears left. Stella had her own story and it probably couldn't be more different from what Dana had been through but she felt that their pain was just as crucial in some way. 

"He couldn't stay long," Scully said after a while. "He was on the run from the government. He was being accused of murder so he had to run while he tried to find the evidence that would prove his innocence," she said. 

"I was on my own again," she said. "I couldn't contact him, didn't know where he was and whether he'd return this time and I just sat there, waiting with a baby on the way," she said. She hadn't been on her own the entire time but the one person she had wanted with her wasn't present. 

"I was terrified when the baby was born," she said and sounded slightly choked. "I had wanted him to be there but it turned out to be a mess," she said. "I was the luckiest woman in the world when I finally held my baby boy," she said and tears quietly rolled down her cheeks. The truth was that she had been terrified, thinking that they would take away her little boy the moment he was born but how would she ever explain that to Stella?

"His name was William," she whispered with a soft smile on her lips. 

"That's a beautiful name," Stella said and placed a feather-light kiss on her temple. 

"Mulder only saw him once," she said. "He didn't make it on time but he came to see us a couple of hours after he had been born."

"And then he was gone again," Stella said, feeling the anger spark inside her chest. 

"My baby was all I had ever wanted and I was supposed to be happy but I was so lonely and every minute of the day I was terrified that something would happen to him and that I couldn't keep him save and give him the life he deserved," she said and the guilt was back. 

"At some point I was so desperate that I made the decision," she said. "I had to give him up to keep him save," she said and this time it took her a little longer to find the strength to keep going. "I never forgave myself for giving up my baby."

"You did what was best for him, you tried to protect him," Stella said. Her words meant to be soothing although she knew that it probably wouldn't do much, nothing would ever make that pain go away.

"I should have tried a little harder," Scully said.  
"I gave everything away," she said and a sob escaped her lips. Everything except for the tiny hat, a dummy and that one picture that she protected with her life. 

"I couldn't bear having his things around, being reminded of having failed wasn't something I could deal with at that time. I cried myself to sleep every night because he was gone and it was so quiet. I don't know how many times I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking I had heard him cry but there was no one there..."

Stella felt her heart break when she thought of Dana being alone with all her grief and sorrow with no one to hold her through these terrible times and endless dark nights; it wasn't fair. She knew how long these nights could be and no one should ever be lonely like this. 

"I failed him, Stella," she whispered. "I need to know that I didn't treat him like trash and that he has a good life. I want to go to bed at night, knowing that he is happy and got everything he deserved. I don't know where he is and I never will but... I just need to know that he is ok and... That he doesn't hate me."

"I'm sure he doesn't," Stella whispered. "You will always be his mummy."

Stella took a deep breath; an eery silence had settled upon them. They were both tired and emotionally drained and suddenly Stella had an idea. She had thought about it before and now seemed the perfect time for it. 

She waited a few more minutes until the tears had subsided before she motioned for Dana to get up. She led her to the edge of the bed where she sat down and put her face in her hands. This time she didn't cry, she was simply defeated and Stella thought that it would take a little time for the pain and the guilt to pass but this time she wouldn't be on her own and maybe it was time to let her know. 

Stella hesitated for an instant before she turned around and walk over, standing in front of her. She didn’t want to mess it up but maybe it didn’t need to be fancy and overly romantic, this wasn’t some trashy movie. All it needed to be was honest. Stella went down on her knees; gently she moved the hands away from Scully's face. 

"Look at me Dana," Stella said softly and Scully she did. 

"I'm really sorry that all of this happened to you. I won't tell you that it will be ok at some point, I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling," she said and took a deep breath. 

The sunlight that feel through the window illuminated her face with a soft orange glow and Stella thought that she had never been more beautiful; she knew that there was only one thing left to do now. 

"But I can tell you that you won't be on your own," Stella said. "You are such a wonderful woman. You make me feel better whenever you are around. I sleep better when you are next to me,“ she said and smiled. „And I never want to lose you," she said and put a hand on Dana's cheek. 

"I want you to know that you are not alone, Dana," she said. "You are needed and loved," she said and suddenly it didn't feel wrong any longer. 

"I love you so much, Dana,“ Stella whispered.

Scully looked into her eyes, felt her heart swell when she heard these words and it seemed to ease the pain just a little. 

"I love you too," Scully whispered against her lips and kissed her long and slow. 

Stella got up and straddled her, hugging her tightly. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, thinking that she never wanted to let go again. It seemed like an eternity that passed quietly while they stayed in each others arms, trying to put their lives back together. 

At some point Stella put her forehead against Dana's and smiled softly. 

"Hey there," she whispered. 

"Hey," Scully replied with a smile. 

"How are you feeling?" Stella asked. 

"Safe," she replied and held Stella close. 

She took a few deep breaths, allowed the warmth of Stella’s body to soothe her. It would be a little while until things hurt a little less and she’d be strong enough to let go again. Somehow, William would always be the little boy that he had been when she saw him the last time. She refused to think that he was now a sixteen year old boy because it reminded her of all the years that had passed, everything she had missed out on. 

„You love me,“ Scully whispered in her ear and a little smile crossed her lips for the first time that morning. 

„Yes, I do,“ Stella replied. 

For the very first time she felt something that she seemed to have forgotten about a long, long time ago; she felt a little more at ease, happy even. 

"Do you have to work at the hospital the next week?“ Stella asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

"Only at the weekend," Scully said, wondering why it mattered now. 

"University?"

Scully nodded. 

"Can you call in sick?" Stella wanted to know. 

The truth was that it wasn't a question because she had already made up her mind. 

"What are you up to?“

"It's a surprise," Stella said. "Call in sick, do whatever you have to do. Make your students happy and cancel your lectures then pack a bag for a few days and get dressed," Stella said and climbed off. 

"I don't understand," she said. 

"Just do it," Stella said and leaned forward to kiss her. "I just need to make a call. Can you be ready in about half an hour?"

Dana nodded although she was a little bit confused, not sure where this was going. She watched Stella go and got up to look for her phone to do as she had been told. She put some comfortable clothes on, got ready and emailed her students although she did feel a little guilty. She usually didn't call in sick when that wasn't the case but maybe that was what they both needed, to look after themselves a little. 

Scully started packing a bag without knowing what she would actually need and where they would go but Stella seemed to have a plan and she trusted her. Scully threw her clothes in the bag and went to the bathroom to pack a few things they might need. She held on for a moment, a smile on her face when she remembered what Stella had just told her. She had known it but hearing her say these words seemed to ease the emptiness inside of her, soothing her aching heart. 

She heard Stella talk to someone but couldn't make out the words. She stood in front of the wardrobe and looked at Stella’s clothes, thinking that she probably wouldn't need her silk blouses and business attire so she picked some of her more comfortable looking pieces of clothing and she'd lie saying she didn't choose her favorites when she got to the underwear. Scully finished packing for both of them and reached for the little box that she had brought and now kept hidden at the bottom of the wardrobe. She opened it slowly and took a photo out before she left to meet Stella in the kitchen. 

"Are you ready?" Stella asked and poured fresh coffee into their tumblers; Scully hugged her from behind. 

"Ready for whatever you have in mind," she said and kissed her shoulder before she showed her the picture she had taken out of the box. 

Stella took it and looked at a little boy, not more than a few months old. She had no doubt that she was looking at a picture of William Scully. 

"Such a beautiful boy," Stella said and meant it. 

Scully watched while Stella walked to the desk of drawers; there was only one picture inside the entire flat; it was the one she had taken earlier in their relationship. It was the one she had given Stella for Christmas, Stella put William's in the corner of the frame. 

"I think we should leave him here," Stella said and looked at Dana, waiting for her approval. 

She nodded because there wasn't much she could say at this moment. Scully walked over and cupped her face with both hands, kissing her long and slow, something that had been long overdue as she had been craving that physical contact for a while now but maybe it had to wait just a little while longer; sometimes there were more important things than having sex.

"Let's get out of here," Stella whispered and a couple of minutes later they were sitting in Scully's car, trying to leave the horrible London traffic behind.

Scully sat in the passenger seat, sipping coffee while she watched the cars pass by. She had no clue where they were headed and what was going to happen but somehow it didn't matter. She had Stella by her side and it was all she needed. The only thing she did before she put her phone away was text Liz to let her know that she would be out of town and that she will call her as soon as she was back and that she wasn't to worry. For a brief moment she thought about texting Mulder but changed her mind; it would have to wait a few more days. 

Stella had refused to tell her where they were going but she seemed to have a plan. They left London behind and, as far as Scully could tell, they were heading south. There was a content silence that had settled upon them but neither one seemed to be bothered while they were lost in their own thoughts. Scully still felt awful and tired but she could breathe a little better now that the truth was out. 

Stella had made a decision and she wouldn't back down now. She owed this much to Dana and they both deserved it. She couldn't remember the last time she had been on vacation or whether she had ever done that at all. She had always been too busy and too lonely to go somewhere on her own. She had been a little girl when she had visited the house the last time but ever since her father had died she hadn’t been able to return but she didn’t have the heart to sell it either. She had someone to look after the house to make sure everything would be ok should she ever decide to visit again and now it seemed to be the right time. She wasn't quite sure what to expect or how it would feel but she knew that she wouldn't be alone. 

They had about four hours left until they would reach their destination; it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, tickling softly on her skin. Scully's hair was glistening in the bright light and Stella smiled. She had fallen asleep a while ago, her head leaning against the window. Stella drove in silence, feeling utterly content.

She cast Dana a sideward glance and smiled. 

_Yes,_ she thought. _I love you._

She thought about everything Dana had told her and for a brief second she looked at a much younger Dana, a couple of months pregnant, sitting in her passenger seat. She liked that thought; although she never wanted children of her own the thought of Dana, being pregnant and excited while she awaited the arrival of her baby, put a smile on her face. Stella reached out to hold Dana’s hand; she didn't open her eyes but her fingers moved a little around Stella's and it put a smile on her face while she kept her eyes on the long road in front of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)


	22. Somewhere I have Never Travelled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/x1wme6qw9/stellaxsmallstellabeachwithwatermark.jpg)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/x1wme6qw9/stellaxsmallstellabeachwithwatermark.jpg)   
> 
> 
> __
> 
> A/N: I know it took a while, had a surgery in between but now I'm back and I promised you a lot of fluff! I hope you'll enjoy it! The wonderful drawing was once again made by [laywithmeart.tumblr.com](https://laywithmeart.tumblr.com)

_Somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond_  
_any experience, your eyes have their silence:_  
_In your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,  
_ _or which I cannot touch because they are too near_

_your slightest look easily will unclose me_  
_though I have closed myself as fingers,_  
_you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens  
_ _(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose_

_or if your wish be to close me, I and_  
_my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,_  
_as when the heart of this flower imagines  
_ _the snow carefully everywhere descending;_

_nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals_  
_the power of your intense fragility: whose texture_  
_compels me with the color of its countries,  
_ _rendering death and forever with each breathing_

_(I do not know what it is about you that closes_  
_and opens;only something in me understands  
_ _the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)  
_ _nobody, not even the rain,has such small hands._

_[E.E. Cummings]_

__

***

Stella pulled up in front of the house, amazed that she still knew the way by heart. She hadn’t visited in years and yet it felt like it had only been yesterday when she had walked these streets the last time. At first glance it almost appeared like nothing had changed at all. She inhaled slowly, trying to prepare herself for whatever laid ahead. Dana slowly stirred next to her, having noticed that they were not on the road any longer. She opened her eyes and raised her head, trying to make out her surroundings. She looked out of the window but nothing seemed familiar. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing her senses to wake. She smelled something that she would never find in London; she could smell the salty sea in the air and it reminded her of home for an instant. She was certain that, if she listened closely, she could hear the ocean from here.

"Hey sleepyhead," Stella said softly and looked at her with a smile on her face. 

"How long have I been asleep?" She asked softly and hugged herself, trying to shake off the sleep. 

"A little while," Stella said and Dana noticed that she looked tired. 

"Why didn't you wake me?" She asked. 

"It seemed like you needed it," Stella said. "I didn't want to wake you. You looked so... Peaceful," she said softly and Scully remembered the moment that had brought them here. 

The early morning hours suddenly seemed so far away and yet it was right there, hanging between them. "Don't worry, it gave me some time to think."

"About... What I told you this morning?" She asked carefully. 

"Yes, that too," Stella said. "Come on, I want to show you something," she said and got out of the car. 

There was a reason she had decided to bring Dana here. They both needed a break and maybe it was time for her to start dealing with her past because she wasn't on her own any longer, she didn't have to deal with it alone. 

"What is this place," Scully asked and stood beside Stella, looking at a comfortable and cozy looking house and Scully was certain that the ocean was just around the corner. 

"It's mine," Stella said and smiled while she started looking for the keys. "It used to be my grandfathers," she said. "I came here quite often as a kid," she said and stepped on the small porch. She looked around and hesitated for a moment. 

"What is it?" Scully asked. 

"I... I just haven't been back here for a very long time," Stella said with a trace of melancholy in her voice. 

She had never been strong enough to come back, it was too crowded with pleasant and painful memories that she had learned to stay away from. Scully stood behind her and took her free hand while Stella unlocked the front door with the other, wondering what to expect. 

Scully was instantly amazed by what she saw; except for the stuffy air the house was perfectly neat and clean. 

"I never come here," Stella said and stepped into the living area. 

There was an open kitchen, a dinning table, a sofa in the corner and a little fireplace. On the other side of the house was a window front and the afternoon sun cast a beautiful orange glow into the room. Scully held on to Stella's hand and followed her. 

"I never had a reason to," Stella said. "I didn't want to," she said and they reached the glass front. 

Stella opened a door and they stepped outside; it was windy and the air was humid and salty. All of a sudden it was quiet and they both enjoyed the beautiful view, looking at the St Ives Bay and the Celtic Sea. 

"It is beautiful," Scully whispered. 

She stood behind Stella and hugged her. Stella leaned against her, putting her head on Dana's shoulder. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and it suddenly hit her how much she had missed this and how quiet everything was. 

"Are you okay?" Scully whispered and gently kissed the soft skin on her neck. 

"I think so," she said, still trying to take in all the different impressions that she had last seen a long, long time ago. "Are you?"

"I will be," she said, knowing that she was holding the reason for that in her arms at this very moment. "Do you remember the last time you came here?" 

"I'm not sure," Stella said without ever taking her eyes off the sea. "It must have been before my father had died," she said. "Everything after that is a little bit of a blur."

"You never returned since then?"

Stella shook her head. 

"I didn't have a reason to," Stella said. "And a part of me didn't want to. I know that my mother came here every once in a while but that had simply been another reason not to go," she said. "Then I went to college, I started working and I always told myself that I was too busy to go anywhere and then the years passed by and I didn't come back at all."

"What changed your mind?" Scully asked. 

"You did," she said and turned around in the embrace, kissing her softly. "I figured we could both use a little break."

"That was a wonderful idea," Scully said, feeling a little lighter than she had just a couple of hours ago. 

"Come on, I'll show you the rest of the house," she said and led Dana inside.

There was a small restroom and two bedrooms, one with an adjoining bathroom and a bathtub. Everything was so neat and tidy, so inviting that Scully thought she never wanted to leave again. 

"It doesn't look like it hasn't been used for a long time," Dana wondered and Stella opened a few more windows. 

"I have someone looking after it," Stella said. "An elderly lady who has been around as long as I can remember. She lives just a five-minute walk from here. I never came back but I never had the heart to sell it either so I made sure everything would be fine should I ever decide to come back," she said and Dana smiled. 

She was surprised and delighted by how excited Stella suddenly seemed to be; she had a feeling that there would be more than just pleasant childhood memories and maybe they would get a chance to talk about it before they returned to London in a few days. 

"We should walk to city center and try to get some food before everything closes," Stella suggested. 

She wasn't sure what they would find and how much everything had changed since her last visit but it was worth a try. In the end they could always order food if everything failed. 

There wasn't much to unpack or prepare so they decided to leave the rest for later because it suddenly appeared that they had all the time in the world. They walked to the little city centre of St. Ives, strolling along people who hadn't left yet. It seemed like one of the places that people go to for a quiet weekend and once they go home everything is left quiet and deserted, just what they needed. They got some food and Stella looked around at how different the whole place seemed to be but she wasn't surprised either, it had been years after all. 

By the time they arrived at the house the sun was low, bathing the entire place in a soft orange-golden glow. They put the groceries away and walked to the porch to enjoy the view. 

"Let's go to the beach," Stella said and Scully hadn't even noticed the stairs to their right the first time she had come out here. 

Stella led the way, wanting to feel the cool and soft sand beneath her feet. She had not swam in an ocean for decades, had never seen the point nor did she have the time to go on vacation at all. 

She took off her shoes at the bottom of the stairs and stepped into the sand that was cool where the sun didn't reach it. She felt a shiver run down her spine when her feet sank into the cold satin-like sand. Slowly, she walked towards the water and Scully stayed behind. 

Quietly she watched her while she approached the water, wondering what was going through her mind at the moment. Her silhouette was dark against the setting sun, her blonde hair glistening in the light. She looked so peaceful and at ease all of a sudden, something Scully hadn't seen since she first met Stella. 

She knew that she wasn't the only one who had to open up a little and leave her troubles behind, they both had a lot of work to do. She knew that Stella was good for her and at the same time she was certain that she was just as good for Stella, it simply took a little more time. 

She took her phone out of her pocket and took a picture of Stella; she didn't notice but it didn't matter. All that did was that Scully was able to capture a beautiful moment, thinking that she didn't do that enough. She barely had any pictures of any situations in her life; there was nothing to look at, nothing to remember and that thought made her sad. She only had her own memories, those that she kept within her mind but what if these were gone one day? 

She wanted to be old school, she needed something to hold and to look at whenever she felt sad or needed a reminder of good times. She didn't want to sit down one day and think that she had missed out on everything. It was a feeling she had all too often but what was she supposed to do about it? She had finally found something to make new memories with and look ahead into their future, not back. She made sure the picture turned out just fine, switched off her phone and put it back in her pocket.

Stella looked at the sea in front of her, the water seemed almost dark, it was glistening where the sun touched its surface, illuminating the breaking waves. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply; she smelled the salt in the air and the wind was cool on her face, blowing her hair all over the place. She smiled to herself and kept walking. The soft sand beneath her feet changed; it was cold and wet and she sank in a little with every step she took. 

A couple of seconds later the water reached her feet, all the way to her ankles and she gasped for an instant because it was colder than she had expected. She looked down at her submerged feet, taking a few more steps. She remembered how none of that had mattered when she was a little girl. Everything had seemed a lot easier. She remembered many happy summers and how she had jumped into the ocean at the first chance she got because she had been so excited to get here after all. She had never worried about cold water, all that mattered was being careless and happy. 

She had spent time with her grandparents whenever she could, she had loved them dearly and they had loved to spoil their only grandchild. They were loving people and it had torn her world apart when they had passed away. The house, that had once belonged to her grandfather, was to be hers upon his passing and she had been honored and proud though she had been too young to deal with it. She had come back with her parents but it had never been the same. Stella had always missed her granddad, had always expected him to be waiting on the porch, ready to scoop her up in his arms the moment she got out of the car. It had been much quieter without him and when her parents divorced everything changed once more and Stella was caught somewhere in between, slowly getting lost on a path that she would not be able to leave for years to come. She had hated her parents for doing this to her, had even wondered if any of this had been her fault. In the end it had taken years for her to accept that she hadn't been the problem. 

The relationship between her and her mother had always been difficult and it simply got worse after the divorce. Stella remembered how her mother had always been to busy minding her own business, leaving Stella feel invisible and unloved. It had made her terribly angry at first and one day there was nothing left but emptiness. She knew that her mother had envied her because of the relationship she had had with her father and that was something Stella had never been able to understand. 

She couldn't talk to her because she had always felt like it didn't matter or no one cared at all. She had felt betrayed by her own mother, hurt so deeply that she had never been able to fill the dark hole that it had left inside of her. It had started to heal only recently, very slowly; one step at a time. By the time her father had died there was nothing left inside of Stella but a terrible darkness, a bottomless emptiness that had her tumble down a path of self-destruction in a desperate attempt to heal herself.  
She had had no one to talk to, no one to rely on. She had learned to deal with it. All on her own although it had left her feeling overwhelmed one too many times. She couldn't trust, couldn't even love herself and she had hardly been able to cope.

By the time she had started working she seemed to be happy again but it had simply been a mask to hide what was really inside of her. She had pushed it all aside while she thrived in her job and kept herself so busy that she barely noticed the time go by. Only in her week moments, and when she was drunk and particularly miserable, she had thought about not having any real friends or a family of her own and whether it would matter that she was still here or not. She knew that she had saved Dana the night that they had first met but it had been so much more than that; she had saved herself somehow. 

She looked at her feet and the waves crashing on the beach every few seconds. She never knew what to expect, what she would find the second the wave was gone; sometimes there was a shell in the sand, something that had not been there just an instant ago. She could never tell what was going to happen. She looked ahead, at the sun that was almost gone by now. There was a strange feeling within her; she didn't want to remember all these things but maybe pushing these thoughts away caused her to feel bad about it every time she actually remembered. She missed the little girl that would run around on the beach all day, jump into the waves with a smile on her face; she missed being happy. 

Maybe it was time to accept that she wasn’t the same person she had been twenty-five years ago; everything appeared different now that it sometimes appeared impossible to picture the woman she had once been. She had been young and trusting, full of hope and that was gone but maybe she simply had to find the way back home again. It didn’t have to be the home she grew up in, it could be any place. Home wasn’t a location or a certain place, it wasn’t a physical place that sheltered her but something that she had to create in order to find herself again and not feel lost anymore. Maybe it wasn’t a certain time or a feeling that made her feel at home but something that she had to create herself and find in other people.  
She knew she had to create her own home that had nothing to do with how she grew up or the people that had surrounded her once; maybe it was more of a smile on her face when she opened her eyes in the early morning hours or deciding that a certain thing or place was her happy place now, something that might not have existed before. She could no longer be a wandering soul without a place to feel grounded; maybe home was wherever she decided to share her burdens without feeling ashamed, where she shared her dreams and never-ending thoughts. Her own home needed to be a place where she would rediscover parts of herself that had been lost again and again. 

Time had hardened her and had made her cold somehow but she had to say goodbye to her past, something that shouldn’t define her any longer; she could only grow from it. She had to put these memories in the back of her head without trying to forget about them all-together. Her past should only be a reminder of the person she had once been and Stella knew she could be proud of how far she had come.

Stella opened her eyes when she felt someone next to her; someone was holding onto her sweater. She turned her head and smiled, looking into the face of young girl. She couldn't be more than fours years old; her blonde curls were messy, floating in the wind. Her face was slightly tanned and the freckles glistening all over her face.  
She had big blue eyes and was happily smiling. She didn't wear shoes but the cute white dress that her grandma had bought her half an eternity ago. Stella still remembered the dress, she had loved it dearly. She smiled, knowing who she was looking at. The little girl held out her hand and Stella took it. Together they stood in the shallow water and watched the sunset. She felt sad all of a sudden; she looked at the sweet little girl and wanted to apologize for everything that had turned her innocent life into such a mess. She had locked the little one somewhere within herself, separated from the world that she had deserved but she accepted that she couldn’t go back. She was a grown up woman who had been far from perfect; she had battle wounds and scars with purpose and meaning, she had stories to share that should never be forgotten. 

She watched the sun go down and disappear for the night and when the last rays of sunshine disappeared, so did the little girl. There was something beautiful in letting go and just letting be. She knew that the sun would be back within a few hours, lighting up the sky time and time again.

"Everything ok?" Scully asked softly and when she looked at her hand, the little girls tiny fingers were replaced and she was holding Dana's instead. 

"Yes," Stella said softly. "I just remembered someone," she said and Dana smiled.

"You wanna tell me about it?"

"I'll tell you over dinner," she said and looked at the woman she fell in love with quietly. 

Quiet like the gentle evening breeze that brushed over her face, the sand softly shifting beneath her feet. She fell in love slowly and quietly; it was the small things that warmed her heart like the small wonders that the waves left behind, like the tiny shell that now rested beside her feet, when the water ebbed away. Stella picked up and together they made their way back to the house to get ready for the evening. Scully yawned quietly although she had been asleep in the car but all the fresh air made her sleepy; it had been an emotionally draining day for both of them. 

Stella picked up her shoes before she climbed the stairs and felt the sand tickle between her toes. 

"What would you like to eat?" Scully asked when the stepped into the kitchen.

Stella thought about that for a moment but she wasn't fuzzed with anything but then Scully had an idea. 

"What about pizza?" She suggested, thinking that it's probably been years since she'd last made pizza from scratch. 

It was such an easy thing to do and yet it had appeared that she had never had the time for it. 

"Order it?" Stella asked.

"No," Scully said. "Make it."

"I don't think I've ever done that," Stella said and thought about it for a moment. 

"It's really easy," Scully said and opened the cupboard, looking for a bowl. Stella sat down on a chair, watching her. "Yes? No?"

"Sounds good to me," she said and put her elbows on the counter while Scully set off to prepare the dough. 

She measured the flour and put it in a bowl. 

"Wanna tell me what happened down there?" She asked and Stella shrugged. She didn't know where to start or how to explain it. 

"I just... Remembered something," she said. "Someone," she tried to find the right words and Scully poured warm water into the mould that she had created with a spoon, then she dissolved the yeast in the water. 

"This place," she said and looked around. "Holds so many memories."

"Good or bad ones?" Scully asked and looked up before she added a tablespoon of salt to the mix. 

"Mostly good ones," Stella said. "Bittersweet in some way. The bad stuff came a bit later."

"What happened?"

"I came here as a little child and I loved being here, being with my grandparents," Stella said. "These were happy times. I love being down at the beach, swimming in the ocean, looking for seashells..." She smiled at distant memories while Scully added olive oil and began stirring the dough with a fork because she couldn't be bothered to look for a blender. 

"It started to change when my grandparents died," she said. "We still came here but it wasn't the same,“ she sighed and Scully understood. 

She still remembered the day her father had died and it had been such a long time ago. 

"A couple of years later I stopped coming back once and for all," Stella said. "The house is mine but I couldn't come back," Stella said. 

Scully knew that she was thinking about the death of her own father, she didn't need to say it. 

"I didn't want to sell the house," Stella said. "I just couldn't do it."

"I'm glad you didn't," Scully said and started kneading the dough with her right hand; she must have done something right because it didn't stick to her fingers. 

"Maybe you knew that you would be returning with new memories," Scully said with a smile. 

Stella thought about it and smiled to herself. 

"Maybe," she said quietly. 

"I'd love to come back in the summer," Scully said, put the bowl aside and washed her hands. "I'd love to swim in the ocean, I can't think of the last time I did that."  
"Me neither," Stella said. "It sounds like a lovely idea." 

She started preparing the sauce while Stella told her about a few things that she remembered; about summer's well-spent and the old lady who has been looking after the house and Stella decided to pay her a visit tomorrow. They had a glass of wine while they waited for the dough but all in all it didn't take as long as Stella had thought to make pizza from scratch and she wondered why she had never done that before but then she thought that she had always told herself that she didn't have time for such things.

"What would you like to do the next few days?" Stella asked over dinner a little while later. "There's not much to do here to be honest."

Scully doubted that somehow. 

"That sounds perfect to me," she said. "I love how quiet everything seems to be."

"It's wonderful, isn't it?"

"I'd love to spend the whole day doing nothing," she said and with 'nothing' she meant not leaving the bed, lots of cuddling and sex and the smile on her lips definitely gave her away. 

"Mhm, I think I like that definition of nothing," Stella said and smiled over the rim of her wine glass. 

"Take a walk at the beach and just enjoy the sun, should there be any," Scully said innocently and laughed. 

"Sounds lovely," Stella said.

***

„Dance with me,“ Stella asked softly when everything had been cleaned and put away.

Dana stood in the middle of the room and smiled. It had somehow become a thing and she still remembered the very first time she had asked Stella, back when she was still so unsure and Stella had been a woman with a guarded heart. 

Dana put her arms around Stella and kissed her, a smile on her lips. 

„There is no music,“ Scully whispered. 

„There is,“ Stella said and Scully listened, the sound of the ocean was softly playing in the background. 

It had been a slow dance in the beginning, one step after another. Scully’s entire life had been passed in a rush but now she reached a point where she wanted to take it slow. It couldn’t be rushed, she didn’t want to overwhelm Stella now that they had come so far. She didn’t want to scare her, knowing it was still a daily struggle to commit to what they had created together the last couple of months. Stella would not open up at once, all of a sudden. She would offer pieces every now and then and Scully had to let her know that she appreciated it and that she tried to understand how hard all of this is for her; she was well aware of the faded scars on her lovers body, on the traces that other people had left behind. 

They swayed gently in the silence of the house, lost in their own thoughts for a little while. Scully wanted to let her know that she would hold her heart with all the love she had, like a fragile piece of glass, promising that she would treat it with more care than everyone else ever had before her and that she would be there to catch her whenever she fell. 

To hurt Stella would mean losing her and Scully couldn’t live with that, she wanted to make her feel safe although she knew that a part of Stella would forever be detached but maybe she had to accept that. She opened her eyes and looked at Stella, then she leaned in and kissed her softly at first. It slowly turned into something more intimate, something they had both been craving for hours. The kiss was almost desperate in its urgency and Scully wasted no time, her hands finding its way beneath Stella’s shirt. Stella smiled against her lips without breaking the kiss, her intention clear from the first touch and she didn’t mind at all.  
She wanted the emotional connection that she had stayed away from, wanted to let her know that she loved her with the touch of her hand; she had chosen Dana because she believed that she was worth the risk. Stella knew that she would need reassurance every now and then; beyond her guarded heart was a soul that yearned to be loved and understood.

She shed her cardigan without breaking the kiss, slowly moving backwards to where the bedroom was. She took Dana's hand and guided her blindly until the back of her knees hit the edge of the bed. She let herself fall and sat down; Dana smiled at her, cupping her face with both hands before she leaned in for a kiss. Stella lifted Dana's shirt, blowing gentle kisses on the warm, soft skin of her tummy. Dana lifted the shirt above her head and tossed it aside, making quick work of her bra while she was at it. 

Stella got the hint, slowly pushing her trousers down until they pooled at her feet. She stepped out of them and reached forward to grab the hem of Stella's shirt, lifting it above her head without a word. Scully straddled her, reaching behind Stella's back to unclasp her bra. 

Stella took one pink nipple in her mouth, softly sucking and biting until she arched back with a moan. Her fingers dug into the skin of Stella's back, encouraging her to keep going. She only let go to repeat the action on the other side, drawing the softest moans from her lips. Scully's hands tangled in Stella's hair, keeping her close. She rocked softly, placing a kiss on top of her head. She was dying to get rid of her panties, the soft fabric soaked with her own arousal by now. 

"Don't stop," Scully hummed softly and closed her eyes; she felt the excitement going straight to her aching center. 

She felt Stella's lips, teasing her so soft and warm until it became almost too much to bare. She pushed herself forward so that Stella found herself flat on her back, straddled by such a gorgeous woman. She looked up at Scully, thinking that she had never seen a more beautiful sight. Her breasts looked soft and swollen and she wanted to cup them both with her hands and tease her until Dana begged her to stop. 

Scully slid a little lower, kneeling between her legs. There were so many things on her mind, so much she wanted to say but maybe it wasn't the right time. Slowly she opened the button of her trousers, opening the zipper at an agonizingly slow pace. Stella lifted her hips a little to get rid of the unwanted pieces of clothing, squirming slightly when Dana was too slow for her liking. Finally she lowered her entire weight on Stella, their naked skin gently caressing each others bodies. Dana closed her eyes, thinking that she didn't want to move from here. She felt Stella's slightly racing heartbeat against her own body and it was soothingly reassuring.

After a couple of moments she propped herself up on her elbow only to lean in for slow kisses and soft teasing. They were moving at turtle speed, taking all the time in the world to explore something that they had been familiar with for months by now and yet it suddenly felt like everything came as a surprise every time they looked again. 

Their tongues were tasting, their hands touching and their lips kissing and it felt warm and soft and safe. Scully's cheeks were flushed, their pupils dilated and their breaths a little bit faster than normal. She felt the throbbing between her legs, a distant reminder playing in the background but it didn't seem so urgent any more. Stella let her be for a while, enjoying the pleasant strokes of her tongue and the gentle caressing of her fingers before she sighed contently, hooked her legs around Dana's and turned them around in one swift motion. 

"Who said you were going to be on top?" She whispered against Dana's lips, causing her to chuckle softly. 

Stella put her hand on Dana's forehead, brushing the hair aside while she sealed her lips with a kiss. She moaned quietly into Dana's mouth, their tongues exploring each others. She was dying to taste Dana, to feel her come at the tip of her own tongue but she couldn't take her eyes off her, didn't want to lose her out of sight for a second. She hovered above her for a couple of moments, stripping her off her panties before she sat up, pulling Dana with her. 

Scully put one hand in Stella's neck, pulling her in for a kiss. The other one found its way between her legs before Stella even had a chance to attempt to get rid of her panties. Dana pushed the fabric aside, finding her wet and swollen folds, slowly circling the soft bundle of nerves that drew the sweetest moans from her lips. She threw her head back, exposing her neck to Dana, inviting her to kiss and suck the soft skin. Her fingers slipped inside, slowly fingering her. She hooked her fingers, finding the soft spot that drove Stella crazy; it was a soft warmth that spread from her center, like waves through her entire body and Scully didn’t take her eyes off Stella the entire time. 

She came quietly, holding on to Dana; their mouths crashed together and Dana swallowed her moans with their lips locked together. Stella sighed softly, taking a few moments to regain her composure while her body came down from the pleasant high. She cupped Dana’s face with both hands and kissed her only the lips once before she smiled and pushed her back into the bed. 

A little while later Stella sighed softly; she was tired and at the same time her mind was wide awake. Her head was resting on Dana's tummy while she played with Stella's hair, her fingertips gently caressing her scalp while the rest of her naked glory was lulled in the aftermath of slow and sensual love-making. 

"I can't sleep," Stella whispered. "I always feel so restless," she said and looked at the ceiling. 

"Mhm," Scully hummed. She had felt tired earlier but that moment had passed a while ago. "I might have an idea."

"Yes?" Stella asked and raised her head. 

"Do you remember the last time you actually took the time to take a bath?" Scully asked with a smile. 

"Absolutely not," she said, already having an idea where this was going and she liked it a lot. 

She rose from the bed and walked to the adjoining bathroom, a couple of seconds later Stella heard the water run and Scully thought of something she had packed, just in case. She wrapped a blanket around her naked form, because she was starting to feel chilled, and left to find the bag. She brought it to the bedroom and quickly found the bath bomb, wrapped in dark paper, and carried it into the room that was beginning to fill with vapour.

"I have something nice," she said and held it out for Stella to smell. 

The blue ball was decorated with small golden stars that smelled faintly of honey and something else that Stella couldn't identify.

"That smells lovely," Stella said and slowly slid into the warm water. "Care to join me?" She said and held out her hand before there was too much water in the tub.

"I'd love to," she said and immediately found herself nestled in between Stella's legs, softly cocooned by hot water. 

She gasped at the instant her skin touched the hot water, goosebumps lining her skin while she got used to it. It was then that she gently lowered the bath bomb into the water and it immediately started sizzling softly, slowly dissolving and turning the water into soft midnight blue; it smelled of Brazilian orange and bergamot oils. She leaned her head back and kissed her. For a couple of moments they were silent and Scully thought that Stella must have fallen asleep. She took a deep breath and said:

"Can I ask you something?" She said because it was something that had been on her mind for a while now and she hadn't been able to let it go.

"Yes, of course love,“ Stella said and her fingers drew soft circles on her thighs. 

"Why do you love me?" She asked quietly and it took Stella by surprise. "Don't get me wrong," Scully said quickly. "I just... Sometimes I wonder why anyone would-"

"Don't say it," Stella said, knowing how this sentence would end. She had asked herself that question a lot of times already. 

"There are so many reasons why I love you,“ Stella said and put her chin on Dana’s shoulder.

"Tell me," Scully whispered; through the years her love for Mulder, and his love for her, had been something so natural that she had never given it much thought until she had reached a point where she had wondered whether it had ever truly been there. 

She couldn’t imagine anyone smiling at their phones because they saw her message, why would that be special? She couldn’t imagine anyone stumbling over their words while talking to her because they were nervous. Wasn’t that what she had done the first time she had met Stella?

"I love that..." Stella said and thought about it for an instant. 

There were a lot of reasons but saying it out loud suddenly seemed more difficult than she had thought. 

"I love that you make me feel safe," Stella said and wrapped her arms around Dana's shoulders. 

"I feel like I'm a better person when I'm with you. I am calmer and... I think I'm slowly finding my way back to the person I once used to be," she said.

"Without you I'd be lost, blindly trying to find my way home without knowing where to go," Stella said, thinking that, more often than not, she fell asleep with Dana’s name on her lips and it made her heart jump a little to open her eyes in the morning and find her still asleep on the other side of the bed.

Scully was deeply touched, kissing the arm that was holding her. 

"I love that you see me," Scully whispered. "And that you make me feel loved and needed,“ she said. 

She missed Stella when she wasn’t around, sometimes wishing that she was there to hold and kiss her. For a long, long time she had not been able to imagine anyone looking at her like she was the only thing in their entire world. Maybe it had once been like this, with him when everything had been different back in the day but it was just another memory of the past. 

„I need you more than you can imagine,“ Stella said. 

She didn’t mean to be cheesy but it was the truth, there really was no other way to put it. 

„Did you… did you ever think I am a bad person because of what I told you?“ Scully asked. 

She had hated herself for so long, never knowing how Mulder had felt about it because it had been a topic that had been avoided at all costs. She needed to know that Stella didn’t think she was a terrible person and that they could leave it behind somehow. 

„No,“ Stella said and turned a little to look at Dana. „I meant what I said. You’ve had your reasons and in the end it’s your decision and I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for that. I believe you did what you thought was best and safest for your child which is what any mother should do,“ she said. She didn’t know what she would have done in such a situation but it didn’t really matter. 

„You are not a bad person,“ Stella said and kissed Dana’s shoulder. 

„I’m trying to believe that,“ Scully said softly.

„Stella?“ she asked after a while; she felt tired and relaxed. She felt the sweat slowly run down her temples, melting into Stella’s arms. 

„Mhm?“ Stella hummed softly. 

„Did you ever think about having children?“ Scully asked and took a deep breath. 

Stella closed her eyes before she answered that question. The truth was that this was something she had thought about more often than people would think. Everyone always saw her like a cold-hearted person who didn’t want children, whose lifestyle didn’t have space for children. She didn’t have the right partner or the strength to take care of someone but herself. With everything she had been through she had never considered herself the right person to take care of another human being but she did have her weak moments. 

„Yes, I did,“ Stella whispered. 

She had often thought about what people had said and, although she usually didn’t care about the opinion others had of her, it did nag her more than she liked to admit. People always claimed that you should have settled down at a certain age and here she was, feeling as restless as ever. Stella had always thought that she had everything she needed but she did have her weak moments. She still remembered the few nights when she had been particularly lonely. When there had been no one to share her bed with and she had questioned everything she had achieved in life. Lulled in by too much alcohol she had wondered how her life would have turned out if she hadn’t fucked it up so gloriously. She had never been able to imagine herself in a relationship, married with kids. That was something she had given up a long time ago but what did she want if it wasn’t just that?

Sometimes she had longed for something that she couldn’t explain. She had yearned for someone to hold her and there had always been the wish to take care of someone else than herself and she had found herself wanting a baby. She had usually blamed it on the alcohol, knowing that a baby would not solve any problems she had and no child should ever be thrown into the mess that her life used to be. 

_Maybe,_ she thought while she sat here with Dana in her arms. Maybe this is what settling down felt like and it didn’t feel like such a bad thing after all. 

„I did have my weak moments,“ Stella said. „Sometimes I thought about what it would be like to have a child,“ she admitted. „It wasn’t serious… it wouldn’t have made sense, it was ridiculous,“ Stella said and laughed. 

„I don’t think it’s ridiculous,“ Dana said softly until now she had never really seen Stella as a mother but it wasn’t something she couldn’t imagine. She knew that Stella was a deeply-caring person who had a lot of love to give. It was love carefully protected by a guarded heart but it was there after all. 

„It’s getting late,“ Stella said when the water was getting cold. „Maybe it’s time to get some sleep.“

„That sounds like a good idea,“ Scully said and got out of the tub, handing Stella a soft fluffy towel when she climbed out after her. 

She had no idea what time it was but she didn’t care, she wanted to get lost in this place without having to worry about a damn thing. She had packed Stella’s favorite pj’s that she slipped on gratefully before they quietly got ready for bed. There wasn’t much left to say and both seemed to be entirely at ease. 

„Good night,“ Scully whispered a little while later, softly kissed Stella once and finally put her head down on the pillow, sinking into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
>  
> 
> [janeisles.tumblr.com](http://janeisles.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> P.S.: The bath bomb she used is [Shoot For The Stars](https://uk.lush.com/products/bath-bombs/shoot-stars-0)


	23. A Woman's Face With Nature's Own Hands Painted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/o6vs3srux/Stella_Scully_New.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/o6vs3srux/Stella_Scully_New.gif)   
> 
> 
> A/N: I know it's been a while, sorry about that! There's lots of smut in this one (ok, only smut) and I hope it'll make up for the long wait- Thanks for sticking with me! 

_A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted_  
_Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;_  
_A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted_  
_With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;_  
_An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,_  
_Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;_  
_A man in hue, all hues in his controlling,_  
_Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth._  
_And for a woman wert thou first created;_  
_Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,_  
_And by addition me of thee defeated,_  
_By adding one thing to my purpose nothing._  
_But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,_  
_Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure._

_[Shakespeare - Sonnet 20]_

***

They stumbled into the quiet house, careless laughter echoing through the room. Scully kicked off her shoes and turned around, reaching out to catch Stella who was close behind. She felt her head swim and a soft buzz rushing through her veins but she didn’t mind at all. It was calming and liberating at the same time. They had meant to take a walk through the small town along the beach and had somehow ended up getting drunk in a little bar by the marina; she didn’t even know what time it was.

Stella’s smile faded slowly, both catching their breaths for an instant before her eyes fixed on Dana; she had a predatory look in her eyes that captured Dana and sent a shiver down her spine. She had seen it before, had felt her lover’s eyes on her several times while she had sipped her wine, pretending she hadn’t seen it. The thought of what might be had driven her crazy but she had enjoyed playing, she still did. 

She took a step away from Stella, her back pressing against the kitchen counter, urging her to follow. She hadn’t really thought this through; trapping herself between the kitchen counter and Stella’s wanting body had limited her options but she was certain it would work in her favor no matter what. 

Stella smirked at her and Scully sighed before she put her hands around Dana and lifted her on the counter in one swift motion, causing her to gasp in surprise before Stella’s lips captured her own in a messy kiss. 

Scully moaned softly, tasting the wine they had earlier. Stella closed her eyes, remembering the conversation they had had not too long ago and the image of how Dana had been trapped between Irene and herself. There was still the slightest bit of jealousy that she couldn’t wrap her head around but other than that she found herself slightly turned on and the things lingering in the back of her mind had simply been waiting for the perfect moment and maybe the time had come. Stella sighed softly against her swollen lips, her lower belly tingling in anticipation of what she was about to do. 

„No, no, no,“ Stella whispered and put a finger on Dana’s lips when she set off to rid Stella off her clothes. 

Scully’s hands gripped the hem of her dress, ready to pull it off but Stella had different plans. Scully looked surprised for an instant, kissing the finger that was meant to stop her. 

„That’s not how we’ll do it,“ Stella whispered and took a deep breath. 

Scully almost raised an eyebrow, wondering what was going to happen. She had been waiting for this all night and she couldn’t take being rejected now. 

„Go to the bedroom,“ Stella whispered into her ear, kissing the soft spot behind her it. Scully’s eyes fluttered a little as she tried to listen to her words. 

„Take off your clothes and lay down on the bed. Wait for me,“ Stella said and stepped away. 

Scully looked at her for a moment before she slid off the counter. Her mind was empty all of a sudden but she obeyed the order nonetheless. Stella had turned away from her, doing something she couldn’t see. Without another word she walked to the bedroom, hesitating for an instant because she had no idea what was about to happen. All of a sudden she felt her heart pounding in her chest, her pulse rushing in her ears and her fingers trembling a little when she opened the zipper off her dressed, letting it pool by her feet. She stepped out of it, picked it up and hung it over the chair in the corner. The room was warm and comforting and yet she felt a shiver run down her spine. She reached behind her back and unclasped her bra and sighed. 

No one here would see her, no one would ever know and she liked that thought. She wondered what Stella was doing but she had promised herself to trust her and do what she had been asked to. She hooked her fingers under the waistband of her panties and pushed them down, leaving her naked all by herself. She walked over to the bed and laid down in the middle, sinking into the soft cushions that still smelled like Stella. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm her raging nerves. Scully didn’t know what to do so she waited. She felt her heart pounding inside her chest, a soft tingle erupting between her legs. She was wet with need and the state she found herself in did nothing to soothe that ache in the slightest. She pressed her thighs together with a sigh, her nipples hardening in anticipation. She was dying to touch Stella, felt it in her fingertips but she was nowhere close; she wanted to feel her bare skin, warm and soft against her own. She bit her lip and kept her eyes shut, not knowing how long she had waited until she heard soft footsteps approaching. 

„Keep your eyes closed,“ Stella said with a low voice; it was soft but determined. 

She leaned against the doorframe and enjoyed the beautiful sight in front of her. She knew that Dana was incredibly turned on and that not knowing was probably driving her insane. Her chest was rising and falling at an uneven pace; she was nervous and tense and Stella almost felt sorry for her. She knew that Stella was close but still out of reach. 

Slowly, Stella approached the bed on quiet feet, hovering above Dana. 

„Relax,“ Stella whispered, hot and flush against her lips. „It’s just me,“ she said and the gentle tone of her voice soothed her a little. 

Scully felt the warmth of her body, smelled the wine on her breath. It was a heady mixture of alcohol, perfume and arousal that threatened to cloud her mind if she let herself fall. 

„Do you trust me?“ Stella whispered and waited. 

„Yes,“ Scully breathed softly, surprised by the emotion in her voice. 

Maybe she did have a little more wine than she had anticipated or the arousal was making her incredibly weak. She parted her lips, craning her neck to kiss her but Stella wouldn’t give in just yet. 

„You are so beautiful,“ Stella whispered against her lips. „Such a shame you can’t see,“ Stella said, gently lowering the scarf, that she had been wearing earlier, on Scully’s eyes before she tied it loosely. It was a strange sensation to be denied to see but Dana felt a wave of anticipation rush through her body because she trusted Stella with every part of her soul. 

„Better,“ Stella said and smiled, mildly pleased with herself. „Don’t go anywhere,“ she said with a smile and the bed shifted when she walked away, leaving Dana all by herself. The fabric of the scarf was soft and smelled of Stella; it was only slightly reassuring at that point.

Stella walked to the bathroom and found what she was looking for. She had a small bottle of lavender oil that always soothed her nerves and god knows they could both use a bit of that now. The anticipation of what she was about to do almost made her sober again but now that she was watching her own reflection in the mirror she thought that she was far from that at this point. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils glistening dark and dangerously, her clit was begging for attention but she refused to give in just yet. She had other things on her mind and that would have to wait. 

Stella bit her lip, softly chuckling to herself because she felt like she had no fucking clue what she was doing. She hadn’t quite thought it through although it wasn’t the first time she had taken control; she loved doing that but all her previous affairs hadn’t really mattered. It was Dana she cared for deeply, whom she loved dearly, and that seemed to change a whole lot of things. She took a deep breath and decided not to let her wait any longer, she’d have to improvise somehow. She took her dress off so she’d have more liberty to move as she pleased and hovered above Dana, who had been listening to her every move. 

Stella kissed the corner of her mouth, one by one before she teased her lips softly with the tip of her tongue. Dana moaned and Stella leaned in for a sensual kiss one last time before she pulled back. 

„Now,“ Stella said and carefully put Dana’s hands behind her head without actually tying them up. „Keep your hands there, no more touching. You understand?“

Scully sighed without knowing what she had gotten herself in. 

„Yes,“ she whispered and cleared her throat. „Yes.“

Stella sat back on her heels, making herself comfortable between Dana’s parted legs. The soft curls were glistening with her unmasked desire and that earthy smell made her light-headed. 

„Take a deep breath,“ Stella said and put her hands on Dana’s thighs. Dana tried to listen, tried to calm herself. 

„I won’t hurt you,“ Stella said. „Not ever,“ she said and Scully nodded. 

„I trust you,“ she whispered and Stella reached for the bottle of massage oil.

She poured some on her hands and spread it, making sure it wouldn’t be cold. For a brief second she wondered whether it would have been smart to have her lay on a towel but tossed that thought aside as quick as it had surfaced. 

Scully slowly relaxed, feeling Stella’s presence before her hands had even touched her. She smelled something familiar, something soothing and her lips curled into a soft smile. Without her sight the sense of touch seemed heightened and she eagerly awaited Stella’s hands. 

„Try to be quiet,“ Stella said softly. „Just listen,“ she said and remembered the sweet agony that Irene had put her through when she had denied her touching, talking or giving in to the pleasure. It was almost awful if it wasn’t for the shattering release that had always put her out of her misery in the end. 

Scully gasped softly when Stella’s hands touched her shoulders, slowly gliding along her skin. The oil smelled lovely and she started to relax into the touch. She tried to imagine where her hands would touch her next but it wasn’t where she wanted it most. Stella’s hands moved over her skin, from her shoulders to her sides, brushing the underside of her breasts without actually touching them and it took every bit of strength she had to keep her hands above her head. She parted her lips, sighing softly and Stella smiled. 

She bit her lip when the hands withdrew from her aching body because she needed to be touched, craved it desperately. She turned her head from one side to the other, biting her lip when she felt a few drops of oil pooling on her stomach. Slowly, Stella spread it with both hands, carefully avoiding her breasts for now. She knew what Dana wanted but she needed a bit more time. Stella caressed her skin at turtle speed, memorizing every inch while she admired the gorgeous sight in front of her and the effort Dana put into this to obey. Her cheeks were flushed and her chest was having, she bit her lip with a concentrated look on her beautiful face. She was squirming lightly, the softest moan escaping her lightly parted lips as Stella’s hands made their slow descend. She kept her hands firm on Dana’s soft skin, the urge to taste her painfully overwhelming at that point. Only when she reached the tender insides of her thighs did she lighten her touch, her fingertips ghosting over the delicate skin.

Dana moaned softly and when Stella looked up she found her hands gently gliding over her own skin; her breasts, her tummy and her hips, trying to find Stella. 

„Hey, hey, hey,“ Stella cautioned her softly and pushed her hands aside. „What did I say about touching?“ she asked and leaned over, placing her eager hands on either side of her body. 

„Keep them there,“ Stella said and Dana groaned in frustration. 

„Soon, my love,“ Stella whispered and sat back on her heels. 

„Stella,“ she whispered and it was almost enough to melt her heart; a desperate plea yet not desperate enough for her liking. 

„Shhh,“ Stella said softly and put a finger on Dana’s lips before she settled back between her readily parted legs. 

Scully arched her back lightly, trying to hold on to the sheets if she weren’t to touch herself; her legs were quivering lightly when Stella’s fingers brushed over the insides of her thigh. They were so close to her aching center and her glistening, swollen folds and yet she was a lifetime away from where she desperately wanted it. Her breath was ragged and uneven, her lips parted on a silent moan and her nipples hardened with desire, inviting to the touch. 

„Please,“ Dana whispered so quietly that Stella almost didn’t hear it. 

She had wanted to tease her until she was on the verge of an orgasm and then draw back, again and again but she didn’t have the heart to do it just yet seeing that she was desperately craving that release. She could hardly deny her anything and the night was still young after all. 

She reached up and traced her sternum with her hand; Scully arched into the touch with a whimper. For an instant she was gone but then the soothing warmth of her body covered her naked skin; Scully noticed that Stella was still wearing her bra, the soft fabric brushing over her painfully erect nipples. Stella kissed her swollen lips with an open-mouthed kiss, her breath hot and tingly on her face. She pushed herself up a little to meet her lips, teasing with her tongue before Stella put her out of her misery and sealed her lips with a desperate kiss. It was urgent and needy and every bit worth the wait. Her moans were muffled by Stella’s mouth, their tongues teasing slowly. 

One by one Stella kissed her way to the valley of her breasts, carefully avoiding the swollen flesh. She tasted a hint of lavender on her lips while she pushed herself lower, resuming her position between Dana’s parted legs. She was dripping wet, aching for release and Stella found herself unable to deny that any longer. 

Without further teasing her mouth was on Dana. She held her open with her fingers, her tongue lashing over her swollen clit. Dana’s back arched with the cry at the touch she had been craving the entire time; all her senses painfully acute without the benefit of sight. She had almost forgotten about the blindfold, dying to take it off and watch Stella while she made her come but the aspect of not seeing her had something terribly arousing at the same time. 

Tilting her head a little, Stella thrust two fingers into the quivering and dripping wet opening of her sex, fingering her at a steady rhythm. 

„Oh God,“ Dana cried, writhing with pleasure. 

Her hands fisted the sheets so hard it turned her knuckles white from the effort while she tried to find something to hold on to. Stella hooked her left hand around Dana’s thigh, trying to hold her still while she sucked her swollen clit mercilessly. 

„Oh… my…“ Scully moaned while she tried to breathe, her core clenching and releasing with the first tingles of orgasm. 

She was aching for a release but she also knew that they were far from being done. She came with a few more well-placed strokes of Stella’s tongue, sweat misting her skin and her lungs burning as she fought for her breath. The orgasm ebbed off slowly but Stella showed no mercy, her lips were around her trembling opening.

Dana squirmed beneath her, completely helpless against Stella’s administrations. Her body was slick with oil and sweat, her chest heaving with an exhausting effort and she still couldn’t see. Everything seemed overwhelming all of a sudden and she needed to see Stella. 

„Please,“ she whispered again. 

It was the only thing Stella had been able to make out between all the inaudible words that had left Dana’s lips. The sensitive flesh between her legs was swollen and throbbing but Stella didn’t stop. 

Dana turned her head from one side to the other, trying to form a coherent thought but there was nothing left inside of her. For an instant she thought about stopping Stella, the pleasure becoming too much to bear but when she slowed down a little, her lips closing gently around the painfully throbbing bundle of nerves it was starting to feel pleasurable again. There was a gentle warmth blossoming in her lower belly, something she hadn’t considered possible at all. 

Scully felt every muscle in her body tense, her nerves on fire. 

„Oh fuck,“ Scully hissed between gritted teeth. 

She felt beads of sweat between her boobs and sliding down her temples, the heat intensified by the scarf that was still denying her of sight. In one quick movement Stella reached up and pushed the scarf from her eyes and Scully blinked at the sensation, trying to cope with the new feeling before she looked down at Stella through hooded eyes. 

She never took her mouth away from Dana, stretching her arms to cup her breasts with her hands; they were heavy and swollen with arousal. Dana arched her back into the touch and put her hands on Stella’s, fondling her breasts.  
She had wanted to watch her, keep her eyes on Stella while she fucked her into oblivion with her tongue but she found herself unable to keep her eyes open. She was hot and sweaty, breathless and completely shattered by the time she came again. She pressed her legs together as they trembled with pleasure and Scully cried out loud, a voice inside her head begging her to stop. She tangled her hand in Stella’s hair, gently pushing her away from between her legs and Stella got the hint. 

Slowly, she lowered her weight onto Dana’s slick body, covering her with her own warmth. She kissed her gently with the taste of Dana’s arousal on her tongue. Scully kept her close, her hand gripping the hair by the neck. She wanted to say something but she could barely catch her breath. After a few minutes of silence her breath had evened out a little and Stella moved from the bed. 

„I’ll be right back,“ she said when Dana looked at her with a questioning look on his face. 

Stella walked to the kitchen, wearing nothing but her bra and sodden panties. She was slightly trembling against the evening chill, her legs shaky from what she had just done.

Quietly she washed her hands and splashed her flushed face with cold water before she turned around. There was a smile on her face when she pulled a chilled bottle of water from the fridge. She made her way back to Dana who still laid motionless in the middle of the bed; Stella observed the mess they had made, wondering if Dana had fallen asleep already. She wouldn’t blame her but she still had something else on her mind. 

She sat down on the edge of the bed and sipped a bit of cold water before Dana sat up and took the bottle from Stella. 

„Have some water, I don’t want you to faint on me,“ she said with a smile when Dana raised an eyebrow at her but drank the water silently. 

Scully finished half the bottle before she put it on the nightstand and crawled over to where Stella was sitting on the edge of the bed. She hugged her from behind, pressing her warm naked body against Stella’s back; she hummed appreciatively. 

„You’re gonna be the death of me,“ Scully said and kissed her shoulder, Stella chuckled softly. „How are you still dressed?“ Scully asked, her arms draped around Stella’s mid-section; she leaned back against Dana. 

„You gonna help me out?“ Stella asked and turned her head, smiling against Dana’s lips. She had wanted to make her watch, to take her clothes off slowly; teasing her while she stayed out of reach but that wish had melted away earlier. She just wanted Dana, wanted to make her come and feel her with her entire body. She was too impatient for more teasing tonight. 

„I’d love to,“ Scully whispered against her lips and kissed her once before she reached between them and unclasped her bra, slowly pushing the straps off her shoulders. 

Scully’s legs were spread, hugging Stella from behind. She cupped those beautiful breasts the moment the fabric was gone and Stella melted into her arms a little. For a little while she enjoyed the feeling of being wrapped up in Dana’s arms, warm and soft while she gently fondled her breasts and teased her nipples with two fingers. Stella turned a little in the embrace, capturing Dana’s lips in a kiss. She pushed her hips off the bed without breaking the kiss when Scully helped her out of her panties. Stella found herself at a slight disadvantage when Dana’s hand found her hot and aching center. She had wanted it ever since they had stepped into the house but giving up control had not been part of her agenda, not tonight. Despite her efforts her defenses melted at the touch of Dana’s hands. She spread her legs and put them on top of Dana’s. 

„You are so wet,“ Scully whispered into her ear, smiling when Stella’s breath hitched a little. 

„That’s all your fault,“ Stella said and leaned back against the warm body that was embracing her. 

„I like it,“ Scully whispered and her fingers found her throbbing clit, rubbing it in slow circles. 

„Oh…yes,“ Stella breathed. 

„That’s what you want?“ Scully asked, her skin hot against Stella’s neck. 

„Yes,“ she breathed and closed her eyes. 

Just for a few moments she enjoyed the feeling of Dana’s hands and the delicious pleasure they caused. She felt the desire pool in her lower belly, slowly spreading to her extremities when she thought of something else. 

She stopped Dana, holding her hand by the wrist and brought her fingers to her own lips. 

„That’s enough for now,“ Stella said with a low voice and Scully watched slightly mesmerized when Stella slowly sucked her own fingers. 

„Shit,“ Scully whispered. „That’s so hot.“

„Lay back,“ Stella said and turned around before Scully had a chance to protest. 

Within seconds she found herself on her back again, wondering how much more she could take and what Stella was up to now but she’d lie saying she wasn’t the slightest bit turned on by now. 

Stella got on her knees and crawled onto the bed in front of Scully, a wave of arousal rushing to her sex when she thought of what she was about to do. She placed Scully’s right leg over her own left hip and inched a little closer, aligning their pussies. She inhaled sharply at the sudden sensation, a delicious warmth spreading in her lower belly that had simmered down a little earlier. She felt Scully’s throbbing clit against her own and slowly moved her hips, causing hot and wet friction. 

Scully closed her eyes, trying to cope with the overwhelming feeling. She found herself arching into the touch, grinding her hips slowly to meet Stella’s movements. Her pleasure was building gradually but she didn’t care so much about herself; she couldn’t take her eyes off Stella. She held out her hands, entwining their fingers to steady her. She watched quietly while her body moved towards her own, her breasts gently swaying up and down. Her chest was heaving with her raging breath as she approached her desperately craved released. Her face was flushed and her skin glistening with a fine layer of sweat; her perfect hairdo wasn’t quite as perfect anymore but she had never been more attracted to her. Slowly, Scully felt her insides melt at the feeling that Stella was creating. 

No one spoke while their breathing became labored; the only sound was that of soft moans escaping their lips from time to time. Scully let go off her hands and propped herself up on her elbows, watching Stella while she slowly ground against her. 

„Holy shit,“ she hissed because it was almost too much to take. 

Stella grabbed her by the hips, her fingers digging into the soft skin while she increased the intensity of her movements and every time she hit the right spot she moaned in sweet agony. Stella cried out with her head tilted back, trembling a little when the orgasm finally washed over her. She looked down at Dana with a smile on her face and made no move to change their positions, slowly rubbing her throbbing pussy against Dana’s while she reached down between them and circled her swollen clit. 

Scully cried out loudly when a sharp pain cursed through her body, her slightly overstimulated clit slowly getting used to the assault. Stella leaned forward and kissed her.

„I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,“ she whispered against her lips and smiled, wishing she had made up her mind a little earlier. 

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed into her mouth.

„Now,“ Stella said with a slight hint of teasing in her voice. „Do you wanna come?“

„Yes,“ Dana breathed urgently because she wasn’t sure how much more she could take. 

„Tell me,“ Stella said, her fingers were inside Dana in an instant. She curled them in a come-hither motion, finding that soft spot that made Dana’s breath hitch. „Tell me what you want.“

„I… I want to…“ she whispered, feeling a little embarrassed that she was so turned on again by what Stella was doing to her. „I want you to…“

„Yes?,“ Stella asked and rolled on her side, never taking her eyes off Dana or her fingers from where they were. She had found just the right spot, she knew that but she moved her fingers at turtle speed, brushing against her sensitive g-spot only lightly. 

„I want you… to fuck me,“ she whispered between huffed breaths, putting a smug smile on Stella’s face. 

„Your wish is my command,“ Stella said, slowly moved her fingers until Scully cried out in frustration and the agonizing pace that Stella had set out for them.

Once more every muscle in her tensed in anticipation, craving release while Stella took all the time in the world. She fingered her just a little faster until it brought her to the verge of an orgasm, slowing down before she teetered over.

„You’re so beautiful,“ Stella whispered and kissed her lips. 

She had already lost track of how many times she had brought her close to the edge but she knew it wouldn’t take much more. Dana had closed her eyes, tears pooling in the corner when the sensation threatened to overwhelm her. Stella felt her pussy clamp down on her fingers, her muscles clenching with the impending release. It was then that she gradually quickened her never-ending rhythm, relentlessly pumping into her and against her most sensitive spot. She kept her eyes on Dana, watching while the begging moans turned into a soft whimper and the tears ran down the side of her cheeks. Her lips parted on a quiet moan and her body stilled before she trembled, gasping for air. It was then that Stella got what she wanted and Dana squirted against her hand, squirming while she slowly came to her senses. 

„Oh my God,“ she whispered again and again and Stella wiped the hair from her forehead and kissed her. She turned around a little, ignoring the wet spot she found herself laying on, and leaned against Stella’s side. 

She wanted to say something, just anything but her mind felt empty and her body was suddenly overcome with an incredible fatigue that she couldn’t shake off. She felt warm and safe, her body softly buzzing in the afterglow. She had totally intended on going down on Stella at one point but she had not counted on Stella to wear her out like this and she was afraid it would have to wait until she had regained her strength. 

„Are you okay?“ Stella whispered against the crook of her neck and Scully hummed softly. 

„We should probably move a little,“ Stella said and Scully chuckled. 

„Sorry about that,“ she said softly, certain that her cheeks would have blushed if her face wasn’t flushed already. 

„I’m not,“ Stella said with a smile. „It was exactly what I wanted.“

They moved away from the more unpleasant spots and found a more comfortable place in the center of the bed. 

„You are so naughty,“ Scully said and put her hand on Stella’s cheek, kissing her once. „I love that.“

„Get some sleep,“ Stella said and it didn’t take long for her to surrender and sink into a deep sleep. 

The next time Scully opened her eyes she was mildly confused. It felt like she had been out for ages but in reality she hadn’t slept for more than ninety minutes. It slowly dawned on her what had happened not so long ago and she smiled. Her body was aching at every move and she knew she’d be sore in the morning but she didn’t mind. She looked around but there was no sign of Stella close by so she decided to put some clothes on, freshen up a little and find her.  
She put the soft PJ’s on and put her hair in a messy bun before she got rid off her make up. She found Stella’s knitted cardigan on the peg by the door and slipped it on. Before she left the bathroom she went through her bag to find some painkillers and quickly swallowed them with a bit of water. 

She was certain that she would be reminded of their little shenanigans for the next couple of days, every time she walked. She found Stella on the porch, sitting in one of the chairs with her back turned towards her. She smelled it before she actually saw and it made her laugh. She stood in the doorway, watching her for a couple of moments before she stepped outside. Despite the fact that she was smoking, and thought she would be able to hide it from her, there was something incredibly beautiful and calm about the whole scene. 

Scully approached her, the squeaking of the floor giving her away. Stella looked over her shoulder, an apologetic smile on her face but she had no intention to stop. 

„Excuse me, Ma’am,“ Scully said, walked around her and took the cigarette from her before she sat down in her lap. Stella watched quietly while Dana smoked slowly and she couldn’t help but think that there was something incredibly sexy about it. 

„Where did you even find these?“ 

„In the back of the cupboard,“ Stella said with a smile. „They’re probably about 30 years old.“ 

Scully laughed, took one last drag from the cigarette and got up to toss it away. 

„That was mine,“ Stella said with feigned anger. 

„You’ll get over it,“ Scully said and sat back on her legs. „Tastes disgusting.“

„You want some mint?“ Stella said and fished it out of her pocket. 

„Someone’s prepared,“ Scully said. 

„I was hoping you wouldn’t notice,“ she said.

„Nice try,“ Scully said and popped the mint into her mouth. „You want some?“ she asked after a few seconds and leaned in for a kiss, Stella’s eager tongue stealing the mint from her and Scully chuckled. 

„Are you okay?“ Scully asked and brushed a strand of her out of Stella’s face. She seemed content and calm but quiet somehow. 

„Yes,“ she said. „Yes, I’ve just… been thinking.“

„About what?“ Scully asked softly and Stella shrugged. 

„Everything and nothing,“ she said and there was something sad about it all of a sudden. 

„You wanna talk about it?“ Scully asked before she urged her to go on when she didn’t want to. 

„I don’t even know what it is sometimes,“ Stella said and thought about it for a moment. „Did you… did you ever think about having missed out on something?“

„Yes,“ Scully said without thinking about it. „Yes, I have.“

„It makes me sad,“ Stella said calmly. „While I sat out here I suddenly thought about so many things and… I couldn’t help thinking that I had failed myself somehow, that I have missed out on so many things.“

„I know that feeling,“ Scully said calmly. „I really do.“ They had talked about something like this before, it wasn’t something they had never addressed but it only seemed to come up during very emotional moments shared between both of them. 

„I… I feel like I have nothing to look back to,“ Stella said. „There’s nothing to be proud of, nothing to share,“ she said and it sounded very sad but Scully knew that it wasn’t true. Stella had done so much more than she would ever give herself credit for: she had survived. 

„But you have so much to look forward to,“ Scully said with a smile and put her forehead against Stella’s. 

„I know that,“ Stella said. „I really do but sometimes I’m afraid that it won’t last,“ the vulnerability in her voice touched her deeply, it wasn’t something she allowed to happen often. 

„I’m not going anywhere, Stella,“ Scully said. 

„What if I screw it up?“ Stella asked and looked at her; for the very first time Scully saw fear in her eyes.

„What if you don’t?“ Scully said and cupped her face, softly kissing her on the lips. „You are not perfect and neither am I. I love you and I meant it when I said that.“

„There are may things from my past that I deeply regret,“ Scully said. „But being stupid enough to go out in the middle of a storm isn’t one of them,“ she said and Stella laughed softly. „You saved me,“ she said and they both knew that it had been more than just the storm. 

„You are so strong, Stella,“ she said. „I know that’s not always easy but you saved me just like you saved yourself so many years ago,“ Scully said and Stella looked surprised for a second. 

„I know,“ Scully whispered softly and her right hand slid from her thighs to the insides where she knew the faded scars were hidden. „I know,“ she whispered. „I always have,“ she said and put a bit of pressure where she knew the scars were. 

Stella looked speechless all of a sudden. It had been an unspoken secret; so obvious and yet hidden in plain sight and yet it hit her now that she had said it out loud. 

„But that doesn’t change the fact that I love you,“ Dana said softly. 

She had not meant for the whole thing to turn so emotional but it was nothing but the truth. 

„I… I don’t know what to say,“ Stella admitted quietly and Scully hadn’t missed the tears glistening in her eyes because she had torn open an ancient wound but maybe it was time to let it heal once and for all. 

„It’s ok,“ Scully said softly and placed a feather-light kiss against her temple.  
„You are so strong and there is nothing that could change my mind,“ Scully said and Stella wrapped her arms around Dana. They sat like this for a couple of minutes, quietly listening to the sound of the waves crashing on the beach before Stella raised her head from Dana’s shoulder.

Scully looked into her eyes and waited. Stella put her hand on her cheek and kissed her softly. 

„How are you feeling?“ she asked and Stella laughed. 

„I could use a shower,“ she said and Scully raised an eyebrow at her. 

„That’s not what I meant.“

„I’ll be okay,“ Stella said. „I mean it… so, shower?“

„That sounds like a great idea,“ she said and got up, holding her hand out to Stella. They walked to the bedroom and Scully looked at the bed. 

„I have a sudden urge to change the sheets,“ Scully said and Stella laughed. 

„We’ll just sleep in the other bedroom,“ Stella said and pulled her into the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	24. She Was A Phantom Of Delight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/bs903nnjt/Scully_Stella_NEW9.gif)   
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>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/bs903nnjt/Scully_Stella_NEW9.gif)   
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> A/N: I hope you'll all have a wonderful new year and enjoy _The X-Files_ tonight! 

_She was a phantom of delight_  
_When first she gleam’d upon my sight;_  
_A lovely apparition, sent_  
_To be a moment’s ornament;_  
_Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;_  
_Like twilight’s, too, her dusky hair;_  
_But all things else about her drawn_  
_From May-time and the cheerful dawn;_  
_A dancing shape, an image gay,_  
_To haunt, to startle, and waylay._  
_saw her upon nearer view,_  
_A Spirit, yet a Woman too!_  
_Her household motions light and free,_  
_And steps of virgin liberty;_  
_A countenance in which did meet_  
_Sweet records, promises as sweet;_  
_A creature not too bright or good_  
_For human nature’s daily food;_  
_For transient sorrows, simple wiles,_  
_Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles._  
_And now I see with eye serene_  
_The very pulse of the machine;_  
_A being breathing thoughtful breath,_  
_A traveller between life and death;_  
_The reason firm, the temperate will,_  
_Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;_  
_A perfect Woman, nobly plann’d,_  
_To warn, to comfort, and command;_  
_And yet a Spirit still, and bright_  
_With something of angelic light._

_[William Wordsworth]_

***

Most of the few things, they had brought along, had been put away and cleaned and Stella sat in the lounge chair on the porch with a glass of wine in her hand, listening to the sound of the ocean one last time. Something inside of her knew that she would return soon; she didn’t want to abandon this beautiful place any longer and she wanted to come back with Dana and spend some warm summer days at the beach. She could see it, now that she sat there all by herself. Not knowing when she’d swum in an ocean for the last time she could still imagine how the cold water touched her skin and how it felt once the salt dried. She saw Dana with her sun-kissed skin and beach hair; she could taste the salt on her lips, her soft and warm skin before they stepped into the shower after a long day at the beach.  
She liked the thought of being lazy in the sun, watching the sunset from here. It put a smile on her face but the sweet thoughts didn’t last too long, knowing that the sound of the waves would soon be replaced by the noises of traffic and far too many people back in London. She loved the city and the busy life but the more time she spent with Dana the more she learned to appreciate getting away from time to time.

She sighed softly, trying to focus on all the wonderful memories they had made in just a few days. She felt happy most of the time but she also felt the darker memories cling to her like a taunting shadow that wouldn’t let go and she hadn’t been able to shake it off just yet. They would leave in the morning, after breakfast, and it gave them a few more hours of peace before they had to return to their daily routines and deal with all their troubles; the ones that had brought them here in the first place and those that still laid ahead.

Stella sighed and put the glass aside. The air was chilly but not unpleasantly so. There were lots of stars, glistening in a cloudless sky; it was a beautiful sight that she rarely got to see back at home. Scully stepped out onto the porch, carrying a thick blanket and Stella raised an eyebrow at her.

„What are you doing?“ she asked and moved a little to make some space for her.

„I think we should sleep outside,“ Scully said and put the blanket over them. 

She could see that Stella wasn’t convinced but she leaned back anyway and settled against the cushions.

„Are you serious?“ Stella asked and turned on her side. „What if it’s going to be cold?“

„I’ll keep you warm,“ Scully said and laughed. 

She turned on her side, facing Stella with the blanket tight around their bodies.

„If it starts raining,“ she said before Stella came up with that thought. „We’ll just go inside, no big deal.“  
Stella knew that there wasn’t much she could do to change her mind and she was starting to feel warm and cozy.

„Are you ready to go home?“ Stella asked and brushed a strand of hair out of Dana’s face.

„I’m not sure,“ Scully said although she knew that it was time. 

They couldn’t hide here forever. 

„But I’m sure it will be ok,“ she said and touched Stella’s cheek with her hand.

„I have to go back to work and talk to Liz,“ she said, knowing that it was probably time to tell her the truth about William. 

She didn’t want to keep lying to her either and she had to move on. She felt that she could trust her and that it was the right thing to do.

„What about you?“ Scully asked, knowing that coming here hadn’t been easy for Stella. 

It had brought back memories that she had tried to forget about many years ago; memories that had torn open ancient wounds and it might take a while to heal again. She knew that Stella had been fighting an internal battle; something was raging inside of her and she tried to fight back but Dana hadn’t missed the struggle.  
It was so easy to give in to these terrible thoughts and memories, so much easier than fighting back. Scully knew how much easier it was to give in and surrender to these demons. She wanted to help Stella but she also felt lost somehow, knowing that there was something inside of her that she had yet to understand and reach somehow.

„Will you be okay?“ she asked and Stella thought about that for a second. 

Yes, she would be better one day she just didn’t know when. It was still a long way, that had become clearer over the last few days. She had always thought that she was doing fine and that her past didn’t matter any longer and that she had moved on but the truth was different. She had learned that she had not dealt with it but simply pushed the unpleasantness away and it was simply a matter of time until it would come back to haunt her.  
She didn’t want to burden Dana with all of this, knowing that she had her own problems and she wanted to be strong for her. At the same time she was afraid that, if she revealed too much about herself, Dana would run away one day and she couldn’t live with that thought.

„Hey,“ Scully said softly, her thumb gently caressing Stella’s cheek.

„Yes,“ Stella said. „Yes, I will be okay,“ she said but it didn’t sound too persuading, not even to her own ears.

„What is it?“ Scully asked. 

She had known that there was something on Stella’s mind, something had been bugging her for a while now. 

„Talk to me,“ she said softly and pulled the blanket a little tighter around them, inching a bit closer to Stella.

„I just…“ Stella said, trying to find the right words. „I don’t know how to explain it,“ Stella said and shook her head.

„Take your time,“ Scully said and waited.

„I’m so happy,“ Stella said softly. „I really am but sometimes it’s… it just feels strange. It comes out of nowhere and suddenly I feel that everything around me is crumbling and I don’t know what to do,“ she said and prayed that she didn’t sound ridiculous. 

In the past she had always drowned these feelings with lots of alcohol and sex but that wasn’t an option any longer, not the way she used to. She didn’t want that any longer but she felt a little lost when it came to finding other ways of coping.

„You’re not alone,“ Scully said softly.

„Sometimes I feel so… unhappy and lonely and I know I shouldn’t because I am not…“

„I know that feeling,“ Scully said, remembering how she had felt when she first moved to England.  
A time when she had felt unsure about everything, when she had doubted every single decision she had made in her life. It was back then that she still believed that everything would be okay between her and Mulder. She had been lonely and desperate while she had told herself that it wasn’t true and Scully still remembered the loneliness she had felt although she had been with Mulder, had actually been living with him after all but that feeling had never left. She looked at Stella and saw the pain in her eyes and she wanted to make it go away but she knew that it would take a lot of time.  
She was still fighting her own battle every now and then and the inner turmoil she had felt was only fading slowly.

„It’s okay,“ Scully whispered and her thumb gently touched Stella’s bottom lip. „Promise me something,“ Scully said but didn’t wait for an answer. „Never hide anything from me. I want to know how you feel and I want to know when something is troubling you.“

„I promise,“ Stella said after a few seconds of hesitation. 

It still felt strange to her, made her slightly uncomfortable because she had never been one to openly talk about her personal life and feelings. Scully knew that it wasn’t easy, she had been there but she never forgot how numb that loneliness had made her feel and how hopeless she had been when she had been forced to deal with all by herself because she hadn’t been brave enough to tell Mulder the truth.

„I can’t stop thinking of what I said last night,“ Stella said. „That feeling of having missed out on so many things,“ she said and there was something sad in her voice that almost broke Scully’s heart. „It’s frustrating,“ Stella said and took a deep breath.

„What are you missing?“

„I’m not sure,“ Stella said. „Sometimes I can’t even tell. It’s being here in this house that I became aware of all the things that I seem to have missed.“

„It makes you feel helpless and empty somehow,“ Scully said.

„Yes,“ Stella whispered. „I just… feel like I’ve done so many wrong things and I shouldn’t have done this or that and I think that I have nothing to look back to.“  
„Sometimes looking back is not worth it,“ Scully said and, although she had vowed not to return to that place for a while, she felt like she didn’t have a chance.

„I know how you feel,“ Scully said and their faces were only inches apart; she saw the unshed tears glistening in her eyes and wrapped her arms around Stella. 

She put her head on Scully’s shoulder and snuggled up to her.

„Sometimes I wonder about that too,“ Scully said. „About all the things I have missed because I have spent all my life with Mulder and the FBI. What would my life have been like if I hadn’t done all that? I probably wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t want to change that for anything in the world,“ she said and smiled against the top of Stella’s head. She was feeling slightly emotional but she didn’t care.

„No matter how many times I think about it, it wouldn’t change a thing,“ she said. „And… and I have,“ she said and paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before she continued to speak.

„And I have always imagined all the things I have missed because I didn’t see my child grow up,“ she said and her voice was heavy with emotion, cracking a little while she spoke but she didn’t stop.

„All the things I have missed… his first steps, his first words, the first day of school,“ she said and closed her eyes. „No matter how much I hate myself, I can’t go back and change a thing but I can keep living my life the best I can,“ she said and bit her lip. 

She knew there had been times in her life when she had been stricken with grief and everything had been so hopeless that she had been ready to end her life. She had never hurt herself, had been scared to do so but she’d lie saying she hadn’t considered it one time when all the strength had left her body.  
Stella tightened her grip around Dana’s body, holding her hand while she spoke.

„I’m here,“ Stella whispered. 

She was tired and feeling emotionally drained all of a sudden. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to go back to work in one or two days. She was feeling just a little more at ease, trying to push the negative thoughts away while she was sleeping under the stars with the woman she loved. She knew she had every reason to be happy, she just wished that her mind wouldn’t betray her so shamelessly sometimes.  
She needed to let Dana know that she was still with her and that she would always be, even when things got rough and she didn’t seem to see the end of day.

Stella snuggled against Dana, the blanket tight around them. She felt warm and safe and, although it was quite windy, she didn’t feel cold. She closed her eyes, blinking away the tears that had threatened to spill over while Dana spoke and took a deep breath.  
Maybe this hadn’t been such a terrible idea after all. She fell asleep not long after that and slept until the next morning when a chilly breeze caressed her face and her nose felt cold in the morning breeze. She didn’t want to get up, knowing that the morning chill would creep beneath their warm cocoon the moment she moved just a little.  
She wanted to stay liked this just a little longer, burying her cold face in the crook of Dana’s neck. Scully hummed softly when she felt Stella’s cold skin on her own and smiled.

„You’re cold,“ Scully whispered without opening her eyes.

„Keep my warm then,“ Stella whispered and they stayed like this for a few more minutes.

„Are you ready to leave?“ Scully asked a little while later, after a quick shower and a cup of coffee.  
They had decided to leave early because there were still a few things to take care of before it was time to go back to work.

„Yes,“ Stella said and got into the car, ready to drive home.

***

A couple of hours later they stepped into the flat in London and Scully dropped onto the couch, reaching for her phone. She ignored all the emails that had arrived within the last few days and finally answered the text messages she had got. She had already texted Liz when they had left and promised that she would come over in the afternoon, she did have something to tell her anyway. There was another message from Mulder, letting her know that there was mail for her and she told him that she would pick it up today. She might as well do it while she visited Liz.

She listened to Stella making coffee in the kitchen and not long after she smelled it too; it smelled like home and made her smile. From where she sat she saw the picture of William that Stella had put next to the only picture of them. She rose from her seat and picked it up, feeling sad and relieved at the same time. This was the only picture she had of her son but she didn’t want it to be the only picture that she had of Stella, she really needed to change that, she thought and remembered the picture she had snapped of Stella on the beach.

Stella walked in and hugged Dana from behind; with her head on Dana’s shoulder she looked at the picture she held in her hands.

„Everything ok?“ Stella asked.

„Yes,“ Scully said. „Thank you for taking me there. It was wonderful.“

„We can go back any time if you like,“ Stella said and a small part inside of her was actually looking forward to that.

„I’d love to,“ Scully said, put the photo back and turned around in Stella’s arms.

„What’s the plan for today?“ Stella asked, knowing that she’d have a bit of stuff to catch up on before returning to work.

„I’ll have to go to Oxford,“ Scully said. „Mulder has mail for me and I need to talk to Liz,“ she said and Stella nodded.

„Do you want me to come with you?“ Stella asked.

„I won’t be long,“ Scully said. „Unless you really, really want to…“

„I’m afraid I’ll have a few things to do,“ Stella said and put her arms around Scully’s neck. „Work and stuff…“  
„Oh I’d hate keeping you from work,“ Scully said with a smile and Stella laughed. „It sounds terribly boring,“ Scully said and kissed her, knowing that there was a bunch of unanswered emails in her inbox.

„You just do whatever you have to do and I’ll be done by the time you come back,“ Stella said.

„I think we should go and get something to eat,’’ Scully said and Stella turned her head, looking at the things they had brought back from the house. „It’s not much, we can do it tonight.

„Right,“ Stella said with a sigh. „What would you like?“

„How about going to that little Italian place?“ she suggested and Stella knew that it was one of her favorites. The place was quiet and cozy and the food was delicious.

„I like that,“ Stella said, grabbed her cardigan and purse and together they walked out onto the street, slowly strolling to the restaurant. 

There was a mild breeze that was not quite as pleasant as the ocean breeze but lovely all the same. It was busier and louder but it felt like home and Stella smiled while she held Dana’s hand.

Dana looked at her from the side and smiled back. Stella’s blonde hair was glistening in the sun and her freckles shone through now that she wasn’t wearing any makeup. After everything that had been said last night she seemed pretty content at the moment. Dana wanted it to last forever because she didn’t want to see her suffering but she had to be realistic; she was glad that they somehow managed to catch their breaths for a little while. Stella was beautiful and Scully thought that she was so different from the woman she had met last winter. Stella had seemed so strong and confident, independent in her own way and it had intimidated her slightly while it had fascinated her at the same time, it still did. So much had changed ever since and she wouldn’t want to miss a single moment.  
She adored Stella, loved her dearly and she couldn’t tell her that enough. She tightened the grip around Stella’s hand and she looked up, smiling as she did.

„What is it?“ Stella asked and Scully shook her head.  
„Nothing,“ she said softly. „I just remembered something,“ Scully said and they kept walking for a few more minutes before they got to enjoy a delicious meal together.

***

Scully was driving to Oxford with the low-setting sun chasing her. It basked everything in a soft orange light and her hair shimmered almost golden. She loved it and at the same time it was distracting while she drove so she tried not to let her thoughts wander too much.  
She had thought about Stella a lot, not worrying about what laid ahead of them. She wasn’t worried about seeing Mulder; she had decided to pay him a visit and pick up her mail before she met with her friend. A part of her was actually looking forward to seeing him. He would always be a part of her life, one that she had loved dearly once and that just didn’t go away from one day to the other. She needed to know that he was okay and that he would find his peace somehow although it was no longer her primary concern. She would always care but she had her own battles to fight. She knew that Stella had hers and she needed to be strong for her and herself.

She had confided in Stella, shared her darkest and most painful secret and the heavy feeling on her shoulders lightened slowly. She knew that she wanted to spend her life with Stella, the way she had once dreamed of spending hers with Mulder but maybe it hadn’t meant to be. She allowed herself to feel hopeful when it came to her future with Stella; it was time for her own second chance and she wanted it to be with Stella. She couldn’t bear the thought of not having anything to look back to, didn’t want that to torment her like it did with Stella but instead she wanted to make new and brighter memories with the woman she loved.

There was still a little bit of daylight left when she pulled up in front of the house and Mulder stepped onto the porch when she got out of the car. She smiled when she saw him and his face lightened up a little although there was still something bitter in his expression. They hadn’t really talked since that argument when they’d had sex; they had texted but decided that it might be better to stay away from each other for a while.  
Scully didn’t want it to be awkward, it wouldn’t make things undone. She could see that Mulder was hesitant when she walked towards him so she decided to take the first step. She climbed the two steps and wrapped her arms around his mid-section. It took an instant for him to respond to that but he carefully laid his arms around her for a moment.  
„It’s nice to see you,“ Scully said and looked up. 

She took a step back and smiled. He immediately noticed that there was something different about her. She was as beautiful as ever in the light of the setting sun, looking relaxed and refreshed somehow. If he wasn’t mistaken there was the faintest hint of a tan on her face and her freckles sparkled a little darker in the sun.

„You look lovely,“ he said and she smiled, looking at her feet for a moment.

„Thank you,“ she said and bit her lip before she looked up. 

She wanted to say the same, wanted to ask whether he was okay but now that she looked at him she saw that it might be a little too early for that. The wounds were too fresh and she felt a little bit guilty, knowing that she didn’t have a reason for that.

„Would you… would like to have a coffee?“ he asked and as much as she wanted to join him she knew that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea now.

„I can’t stay long,“ she said, nervously tapping from one foot to the other. She smiled at him apologetically. „I still have a few things to do today. I’ve only just came back from the sea and I need to go back to work tomorrow,“ she got lost a little, cursing herself for telling him that.

„Oh,“ he said. „Alright then, I have your mail right here,“ he said and stepped inside. She cursed herself under her breath and followed him.

„Thank you,“ she said and took the envelopes from him. „I’ll take care of that,“ she said and pointed at them.

„It’s okay,“ he said. „It’s always nice to see you.“

„Thank you, Mulder,“ she said and they stepped out onto the porch again.

The sun was almost gone by now and she was dying to put some space between them all of a sudden.

What was she supposed to say? Call me? I’ll text you? I’ll see you around?

She wasn’t quite sure what would be the right thing to do.

„Thank you,“ she said again and took a step down. 

She had to look up to him more than she usually did and he reached out, putting a hand on her cheek.

„Take care,“ he said and dropped his hand as fast as he had raised it. 

Scully turned around and climbed into the car. She sighed as soon as she was by herself, thinking that it was worse than she had imagined. Before she made her way over to Elizabeth at the other side of the town she decided to stop for a cup of coffee. She didn’t know what time it was but she needed a few moments to clear her head before she left to talk to her friend. A couple of minutes later she walked into the busy coffee shop and looked around while she waited for her order. While she did so, her gaze fell upon a woman around her age who looked all to familiar.

Her hair was tied back the same way she wore it the last time they had met and just the mere thought made Scully blush now that she was sober. She looked at Irene Adler, who happened to look up at the exact same moment and Scully quickly averted her gaze. She knew that it was childish and that she had probably been caught. She had wanted to be on her own for a little while and Irene had been the last person on her mind but she felt like she couldn’t get out of it anymore.  
It would be rude to turn around and leave without a word, but what was she supposed to say? She busied herself with her cup and put the lid on, turning on her heels before she changed her mind.  
Scully took one last deep breath and walked to the window where Irene was expecting her already. She looked up with a smile on her face, somehow looking a little gentler than she had the last time.

„Dana,“ she said softly. „For a brief moment I thought you’d ignore me.“

„I thought about that,“ Scully admitted and smiled. „Didn’t work very well.“

„No, it didn’t,“ Irene said. „Have a seat,“ she offered and Scully put her cup on the table, sitting down opposite the infamous Irene Adler.

„What brings you to Oxford?“ Scully asked and Irene leaned back in her chair. She was dressed casually, looking as fine as ever.

„Work,“ she said and they both knew what that meant although Scully wasn’t sure whether she actually had a different occupation other than being a dominatrix. „I met a client,“ she offered and Scully nodded.

„I know this must be weird somehow,“ Irene said and Scully looked confused for an instant. „I didn’t mean to put you into such a position.“

„It’s okay,“ Scully said and sipped her coffee. „I’ve just had a long day and I didn’t expect to run into anyone here.“

„That’s not what I meant,“ Irene said and her eyes were fixed on Scully. „You know that I’m referring to the party.“

„Oh,“ Scully said and cleared her throat. „Right.“

„I’m sorry about that,“ Irene said and leaned forward a little. „Believe me, I don’t say this lightly but I am serious.“

„It’s okay,“ Scully said, feeling a little stupid because she didn’t know what else to say.

„I usually don’t care,“ Irene said. „I take what I want and what I like.“

„I’ve noticed,“ Scully threw in and Irene raised an eyebrow at her, a smile playing on her lips.

„But I’m serious,“ she continued. „Stella is my friend and I shouldn’t have taken it so far.“

„It always takes two,“ Scully said and held her cup between both hands. „Or three, for that matter,“ she said and chuckled to herself. „I could have stopped you.“

„You wanted it,“ Irene said softly. 

She had considered this, had wanted Dana because she had liked the challenge but she knew it was entirely out of question from now on, she wouldn’t do that to her friend.

„A part of you did.“

„I was drunk,“ Scully said.

„Not drunk enough,“ Irene said. „But that’s not the point. I shouldn’t have taken it so far and I am sorry if I put you in an awkward position.“

„Would you have gone through with it?“ Scully asked and Irene shrugged.

„Probably,“ she said. „Would you?“

Scully pursed her lip and shook her head, suddenly laughing at the kind of conversation she was having with a woman she had met only once.

„It’s okay,“ Irene said. „You don’t have to answer. I might have wanted it once, just for fun but I know that Stella wouldn’t have wanted it, no matter what she had implied first,“ Irene said and Scully wasn’t sure she remembered that correctly.

„It was Stella who stopped me after all,“ Irene said. „I believe that you’re aware of… the past I have with Stella,“ she said and Scully nodded.

„I’m not so fuzzed about the details,“ Scully said. „I’ll make it up inside my head if I feel like it,“ she said and smiled while she leaned back.

„Smart woman,“ Irene said and winked at her. „That was the moment I realized how much she loves you. And the last thing I wanted was hurting her or make her regret anything.“

„I appreciate that,“ Scully said and meant it.

„You and Stella will always be welcome at my house,“ Irene said. „No matter what.“

„Thank you,“ Scully said. „You should come over for dinner some time,“ she said without knowing if that was what Irene did.  
She didn’t know a lot about her but maybe it was time to find out; deep inside she knew that Stella would love to have her friend around more often. Somehow they just hadn’t got around to that part of friendship yet. She wasn’t worried because of the past they had had, she trusted Stella with all her heart.

„I’ll think about it,“ she said and Scully wasn’t sure whether she was simply being polite or not sure how to react to it the right way.

„I need to get going,“ Scully said and got up, reaching for her cup. 

Irene rose, standing in front of her.

„It’s been a pleasure seeing you,“ Irene said and leaned in with a hand on Scully’s hip. 

She briefly kissed her cheek and smiled before she sat down again. Scully smelled the same perfume that she had worn the night of the party.

„Likewise,“ Scully said and turned around. 

The air was cool and crisp when she left the shop and walked to her car. She took a deep breath, craving the presence of someone who wouldn’t make her feel awkward somehow.

„Oh Jesus,“ she whispered and laughed to herself and got ready to go to Elizabeth’s place. 

She really couldn’t take any more surprises tonight. She couldn’t stop smiling when she knocked on Elizabeth’s door and this time it was genuine.

„I’m so happy to see you,“ Scully said and pulled her in for a hug.

„You’re back,“ Liz said and it felt great to be here again. „Tell me what you’ve been up to. I was a bit worried!“ she said and ushered her in.

„I told you not to,“ Scully said. „Everything is okay,“ she said but then she remembered why she initially came here.

„Where have you been?“ she asked and Scully followed her into the kitchen, taking the space she usually occupied there.  
„Cornwall,“ she said and nodded when Liz pointed at the kettle. „Stella has a cute little house there.“

„Nice,“ she threw in.

„It was lovely to get away for a little bit,“ Scully said. „I guess we both needed it.“

„Why do I feel like there’s a little bit more to it?“ Liz said. 

She had known Dana for a while now and it wasn’t like her to just call in sick and leave town for a couple of days.

„I… I need to tell you something,“ Scully said and wrapped her hands around the cold empty. There was no point in beating around the bush.

„What is it sweetheart?“ Liz asked and sat down beside her. „Are you in trouble?“

„What?“ Scully asked and looked up, laughing nervously for a second. „No, no… It’s just something from my past…“

For the next hour she carefully opened up and poured out her heart and talked about her darkest secret, feeling that she had made the right decision. She told Liz about her relationship with Mulder and how they had met and worked together for many years. She told her about strange cases and years of hard work and troubles; of losses and heartbreak and how it had torn them apart in the end.  
It still hurt whenever she talked about it but at the same time Scully felt that it got easier and now that she talked about it she didn’t feel like pretending to be someone else. For years she had been cautious, had lied about her past because she had been afraid to say the wrong thing and reveal too much and now she finally felt like she could breathe.

With every bit that Scully revealed Elizabeth started to understand their relationship a little better and what had driven Scully to leave Mulder in the end and she couldn’t even imagine how desperate and sad she must have felt at some point.

„There is just one more thing,“ Scully said after a while and wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes. „I had a baby,“ she whispered.

She looked at her friend and could tell that she was confused. She smiled through the tears and took a deep breath, trying to explain what she had done and Liz wrapped her arms around Dana and listened to every word she said.

„I’m sorry you had to do that on your own,“ Liz said after a few minutes of silence when she tried to absorb what she had just told her. She kept her arms around Dana and waited.

„I just couldn’t lie about it any longer,“ Scully whispered.

„You really don’t have to,“ Liz said. „You shouldn’t. I’m really sorry… does Stella know?

„Yes,“ Scully said „That’s why we went away for a bit.“

„I’m glad you did,“ Liz said and wiped the tears from Dana’s face. „You do look a bit more relaxed, god knows you probably needed it.“

Scully laughed and reached for her cup of tea.

„I should head back soon, it’s been a long day,“ she said. „I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow?“

„Promise me one thing,“ Liz said before she left.

„Yes?“

„Promise me to look after yourself, dear.“

***

„Stella?“ Scully asked and closed the door behind herself.

It was quiet when she walked into the flat. Stella’s laptop and a brown folder were on the kitchen counter but Stella was nowhere in sight. Scully took off her coat and dropped her bag on one of the chairs, ignoring the fact that she’d still have to do a few things.  
„There you are,“ Stella said, entering from the bedroom. 

„I just did the laundry,“ she said and walked over to kiss Scully. Stella was wearing her pj pants and a cozy sweater already and Scully envied the more comfortable look a little.

„How did it go?“ she asked and walked over to the couch.

„It was ok… just a little bit awkward,“ she said and laughed.

„Wanna join me?“ Stella asked and made herself comfortable on one side of the couch.

„I’d love to,“ Scully said. „But I need to take care of my overflowing inbox first. Did you finish working?“

„More or less,“ Stella admitted and switched on the tv.

„What are you watching?“ Scully asked and took her notebook out of the bag.

„I’m not sure,“ Stella said without looking at her. „What do you care? Since you don’t wanna join me.“

Scully rolled her eyes and laughed, switching on the laptop. She heard the sound of a movie in the background, trying not to pay attention to it. It was only when Stella chuckled to herself that it caught her attention and Scully looked up.  
Scully looked up at the screen. At first she couldn’t make out what Stella was watching and then she wasn’t sure.

„What is it?“ Scully asked.

„Nothing,“ Stella said but couldn’t stop smiling. 

She couldn’t believe that she was so entertained by what she saw. She didn’t even remember taking the time to watch an entire movie, she had always been too restless for that or fallen asleep half-way through with Dana in her arms.

„What are you watching?“ Scully asked again and put her phone away.

„The Ewoks are so cute,“ Stella said a little quieter.

„The what?“ Scully asked and closed her laptop.

„The Ewoks,“ Stella said. „Don’t tell me you’ve never watched _Star Wars_.“

„Actually,“ Scully said and got up to walk over. „I never cared much about that.“

„You gotta be kidding me,“ Stella said and laughed. „Look at them.“

„I can’t believe you’re so entertained by this,“ Scully said and sat down by Stella’s feet.

„I can’t believe you never watched _Star Wars_.“

„I never really cared about it, I’m not even sure I know what’s going on there,“ Scully said and put Stella’s feet in her lap.

„They look like little teddy bears,“ Scully said after watching the scene on the screen.

„Yes,“ Stella said, feeling just a little embarrassed now.

„Who would have thought you were such a nerd,“ Scully teased and Stella threw a pillow at her.

„I’m not,“ Stella said in her defense. „I was only watching it for Leia in the first place.“

„Why am I not surprised?“ Scully said.

„She was great,“ Stella said. „Independent, strong and she got shit done.“

They watched in silence for a few more minutes and, although Scully had no clue what was actually happening she found herself unable to look away and she didn’t have the heart to ruin it for Stella.

„Speaking of strong and independent,“ Scully threw in when she remembered who she had run into earlier. „I met Irene today.“

„Oh?“ Stella said and looked up, facing Scully.

„I ran into her in a coffee shop,“ Scully explained. „She apologized.“

„Now I’m impressed,“ Stella said with a mixture of amusement and surprise. 

„What for?“

„Her behavior at the party,“ Scully explained. „She thought she’d crossed a line.“

„Who would have thought,“ Stella said, lost in thoughts.

„She said we’re still welcome at her house any time,“ Scully said.

„At least you know what to expect now,“ Stella said and laughed. „But to be honest, it isn’t always like… that.“

„She didn’t seem quite as intimidating today,“ Scully admitted.

„She does have a rather soft side,“ Stella said. „Don’t ever tell her I said that.“

„I told her to come over for dinner some time,“ Scully said.

„Did she ‚yes‘?“ Stella asked.

„Well, she didn’t say ‚no‘… we’ll see.“

„Do you want her around?“ Stella wanted to know. „I don’t want it to be… awkward somehow.“

„She’s your friend,“ Scully said. „And I think she’s quite a nice person in her own way, she’s interesting.“

„That much is true,“ Stella said.

„Don’t worry,“ Scully said. „I can handle it,“ she said and crawled to the other side of the couch to lay next to Stella.  
She didn’t pay a lot of attention to the movie but she closed her eyes and listened to Stella’s heartbeat until Stella told her to get up and get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
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	25. I Carry Your Heart With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/StellaScully25.gif)   
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>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/StellaScully25.gif)   
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> A/N: I hope you'll all have a wonderful new year and enjoy _The X-Files_ tonight!

_I carry your heart with me (i carry it in_  
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere  
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing,my darling)  
                                                      i fear  
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want  
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)  
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you 

_here is the deepest secret nobody knows_  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

_i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)._

_[E.E. Cummings]_

***

Stella sat in her office, the time at the sea suddenly years away. Although it had been lovely to catch her breath while digging into things of her past at the same time, she happily remembered the few days she had spent there with Dana and she was looking forward to the day when they would return.

She sighed and put her pen down, thinking that she’d rather go back sooner than later but she also knew that running away from the negative thoughts wouldn’t make them go away. Stella straightened her back and slowly rolled her head from one side to the other, trying to ease some of the tension. Stella had never forgotten the initial reason that had made her take Dana away from London. It’s been a little while but that story had never left her, had been lingering in the back of her mind ever since she had woken up to find Dana crying on Mother’s Day. She still remembered the pained look in her eyes and the heartbreaking aguish she had felt while she shared her story. Stella had thought about it many times; she could only imagine the pain Dana carried within her every single day.  
The thought of not knowing was slowly getting to Stella, how would Dana cope with it for the rest of her life? She leaned back in her chair and tried to focus. She had thought about it a lot of times already, never knowing what would be right or wrong. She wasn’t even sure whether there was such a thing as right or wrong in this case. There were so many things that could go wrong, it was hard to tell what the outcome would be like. 

What if she was making a terrible mistake? 

Stella didn’t know what to do and it drove her crazy that she didn’t seem to be able to make a rational decision. She was used to working with facts, relying on them and using her common sense but this time her very own personal case seemed to be a rather tough one to crack. She pushed herself away from the desk and checked the time on her phone. She still had about an hour left until that dreadful meeting that she had been ignoring for the last couple of months. She had always known that it couldn’t be avoided but it seemed to take so long that she had simply lost track. It was the only reason why she was now dressed in her official uniform, wearing a dark skirt that felt too tight but she had to admit that it did hug her curves pretty damn well. 

Nonetheless it restricted her ability to move properly and sit comfortably but she didn’t want to wrinkle the whole thing before the meeting was over. The white blouse had been ironed and felt crisp and clean on her skin; the black tie didn’t bother her too much and her jacket hung by the door, along with the hat. There was no need to put it on now. She wore her hair tied back in a bun in a way that she rarely did but it was really the only way to wear the hat without risking to have it fall off. She rose from her chair, carefully navigating with the little space that the skirt gave her. 

Quietly she left her office, taking the elevator to the third level. She felt nervous now that she was on her way, not quite sure whether it was the right thing to do. Truth be told her chances at finding anything were pretty slim after all. It’s been years and as far as she was concerned the adoption of William Scully had been a closed one. It was nearly impossible to get hold of these kinds of information; his last name had probably been changed after his adoption. She trusted the people she worked with, remembering that some of them still owed her a favor. She hoped that at least one of them would find a way to help her out in the end. Stella knew that, maybe one of the people involved, would be able to shed some light on the adoption. It wouldn’t be quite the official way but she was willing to take that step if that brought her closer to the truth. 

The only thing that scared her was the fact that a part of her thought that she was betraying Dana. Her heart was hammering inside her chest; it made her feel light-headed and sick for a moment. She tried to take a few deep breaths and calm herself. She stepped out of the elevator, still doubting her decision in one way or the other. Maybe it wasn’t hers to pry into such a matter, something that had been left a secret for many years. Stella had learned the hard way that digging into the past isn’t always a pleasant thing and that, sometimes, it is better to leave the past in the past. She walked past several offices until she found the one she was looking for; she hesitated for a few seconds before she knocked on the door and waited.

Slowly she opened the door and peeked inside. 

„Stella,“ Theo said and his face lit up the second he laid eyes on his visitor. „It’s been a while,“ he motioned for her to come in. 

They had occasionally worked together on some cases but their paths didn’t cross often. It was a relief because he was working missing children's cases but Stella really liked him and appreciated his work and company every time. 

„I’m not disturbing you, am I?“ Stella said carefully and smiled. 

There was something incredibly gentle and warm about his entire presence and it managed to calm her a little. She sat down in the chair, overlooking his messy desk. 

„Fancy,“ he said with a look at her uniform. „Did I miss something?“

„Don’t ask,“ she said with a smile. She was well aware of her reputation and the entire Spector-disaster. „Belfast,“ she added and he grimaced at her. 

„What brings you down here?“ he asks and leans back in his chair. 

She fidgeted a little, not knowing how to start. All of a sudden she had a lot of doubts and he seemed to sense her slight discomfort. He knew that she was an incredibly skilled woman, known for her ‚icy‘ reputation, that he couldn’t quite wrap his head around, but he also knew that she was a very caring and empathetic person with a deeply sensitive core. 

„I suppose you didn’t come here to talk about your uncomfortable uniform?“ he said, trying to lighten her mood a little; he could tell that she was nervous about something. 

„No,“ Stella said softly and smiled. „I just don’t know where to start,“ she said and looked at her hands in her lap. 

„Are you working a case?“ he asked although he couldn’t remember having seen anything; usually he would have known by now. 

„No,“ she said and shook her head. „It’s more of a… personal matter,“ Stella said and looked at him. This time he seemed intrigued, waiting for more information. 

„I understand,“ he said, wondering what unsettled her so much. It wasn’t common for her to be so obviously shaken and affected. 

„I need you to help me find someone,“ she said, speaking quietly and slowly; she was surprised by the sudden emotion in her voice and how sad it made her. 

At the same time it bothered her that she let it get to her but, truth be told, this was not one of her cases that she treated with a respectable, emotional distance. She entwined her fingers, ignoring that they were trembling a little. Maybe she hand’t had thought this through properly. 

„You’re not in trouble, are you?“ he asked, trying to help her somehow. 

„It’s not a case,“ Stella said, taking a deep breath. She tried to calm her nerves somehow and start from the beginning with the few things that she knew. 

„I am looking for a sixteen year old boy who was given up for adoption in the US when he was only a couple of months old,“ she said and bit her lip. 

Now that she said it out loud she was beginning to realize how hopeless that case seemed. She knew that she would have shut down anyone who came to her with such a request because it was almost impossible but she still had a tiny bit of hope. 

Theo sighed and leaned his chin on his hands. 

„An adoption in the US?“ he repeated, trying not to sound entirely hopeless. He didn’t want to shatter her hopes straight away. 

„Yes.“

„Can I ask you one thing before we keep going?“ he asked and looked at her, the amount of sympathy on his face threatened to break her. 

He had to know straight away; he had a feeling that it would somehow change the way he felt about this thing. Stella nodded, knowing that she would answer every question that might help her. She trusted him, that’s why she had come to him in the first place. 

„Is it yours?“ he wanted to know. „Are you asking me to look for your child?“ 

„It is not my child,“ Stella said quietly and tried to resist the urge to bite her nails. She kept her hands in her lap, entwining them to keep them busy. 

„Ok,“ he said and reached for a pen. „I think you know how difficult this is going to be?“

„Can you at least give it a try?“ she asked, trying not to sound desperate.

„Have you tried to go through court?“ he asked, knowing that there must be more to it. He was certain that Stella was well aware of the protocol and how to go about certain things. The fact that she came and asked him for help only meant that there was a lot more to it. 

„I can’t,“ Stella said. „That’s impossible.“ 

It had been an option she had considered before but it would arouse too much attention and require Dana’s involvement and she couldn’t risk it. „It was a closed adoption,“ she added and Theo had already been suspecting that.

„Right,“ he said and he hated to tell her that she had just narrowed her chances down to zero but he was willing to give it a shot anyway. „Let’s start from the beginning. How about you tell me everything you know?“

„I am looking for a boy named William Scully, born to Dr. Dana Katherine Scully and Special Agent Fox Mulder,“ she said with a deep breath, trying to recollect everything she knew and what Dana had told her. She also gave him their birthdates and place of birth; she explained what her relationship to Dana was and why she had to find the boy. 

Theo jotted down everything Stella told him, listening attentively.

„Am I right in assuming that the parents don’t know about this?“ he asked and she considered her answer for a second. For a second she saw her chances dwindling; she feared that he would turn her down if she told him the truth. 

„No, they can’t know,“ Stella said carefully. „Not at the moment.“

„Do I want to know what is actually going on?“ he asked and leaned back in his chair, eyeing her for a moment. 

„It’s nothing bad,“ Stella said quietly. „I just… I just need to help her find closure,“ she told him and he thought about that for a few heartbeats before he said:

„I don’t want to get your hopes up, Stella,“ knowing that, at this point, it seems nearly impossible to get anything.

„I know,“ she said, feeling sad all of a sudden. 

„But I promise to try,“ he said. „I might be able to reach out to a few people but it’s going to take a while.“

„That’s… that’s ok,“ Stella said. 

She had the sudden urge to get out of here and have a minute to herself before she was forced to attend that damn meeting. 

„I don’t mean to be rude but I gotta get going,“ she said and rose from the chair. He got up as well, walking around the table to see her out.

„I will call you as soon as I have something,“ he promised. 

„Can I ask you to keep this confidential?“ she asked and put her hand on the door handle. 

„Of course,“ he said and she wouldn’t doubt it for a second. 

„Thank you.“

„Take care, Stella,“ he said and with that she was out of the door. 

While she made her way back to the elevator he sat back in his chair, thinking about everything she had just told him. He knew that it was almost impossible to get anything with such a case but he was willing to try, maybe he would be able to call in a few favors. 

Stella stood in the elevator and it seemed to take twice as long to get back to her office. She ignored all the gazes that were on her on the way, dropping into her chair to gather her wits with a sigh. She wasn’t quite sure that, what she had done, was the right thing. She was scared, mostly because she had no idea what to expect and how Dana would react to it in the end. But what she had done now came from somewhere deep within her heart. It was an attempt to give Dana the closure that she deserved and needed. After everything that she had been through in her life, all she deserved was a chance at happiness. She had to leave it behind but how was it possible if you never knew what happened?

It was almost time to go so she rose, slipped her jacket on, taking her sweet time to make sure that everything looked neat and proper. She put her hat on, suddenly feeling important somehow. As much as she hated that rather uncomfortable attire she couldn’t deny that it also made her feel good; it gave her an air of authority. She left her office for the second time that afternoon, making her way to the top floor. She briefly texted Dana, while she waited for the elevator, and tried to prepare herself to go back to that dreadful case she had tried to solve in Belfast. 

All these memories came with a bitter taste to it but there was no way around it now. She was certain that, for the next few hours - that would be the worst case - she’d be stuck in an office with a bunch of high officials, her boss and countless other people thinking they could have done a much better job, explaining her time in Belfast again and again. They had gone over it countless times already and she could almost recite every little detail by heart now but that didn’t keep them from putting her in the spotlight again as trials were approaching in Belfast. Someone had to be blamed and held accountable to appease the mourning families. 

She took one last deep breath and opened the door to the conference room. Stella ignored those that were present already, nodding as she walked by when it wasn’t possible to avoid it and claimed her favored spot by the window and waited.

***

It was late and dark by the time the meeting was over; she had texted Dana, letting her know that she would be home soon. She was exhausted and emotionally drained somehow. It was tiring to go over the same thing again and again, having to admit that she screwed up. It wasn’t like she didn’t know that, she just didn’t need a bunch of wise guys to repeatedly rub it in her face.

It wouldn’t bring Spector back; she wouldn’t get to see him serve the sentence he deserved. She knew that it had partially been her fault; too many mistakes had been made. She could have ended it but she had wanted him alive because she had wanted the victory of seeing him locked up for the rest of his life and that son of a bitch had taken the easy way out. Right under her nose he had taken his own life to avoid trials and rub it right into her face. Somehow Spector had always been a step ahead and she had failed to see it. The way she had behaved during the case, and the fact that the press had got wind of her affairs, certainly hadn’t worked in her favor and she knew that most men around that table loved to put their finger in the wound and blame her for everything. 

She had never given a damn but it became harder every time because she wanted to move on already. She went back to her office to fetch her things and decided not to change. She wanted to get out of here and forget about everything. She wanted to leave the case at work and go home. Stella couldn’t wait to get there and hug Dana, she had been looking forward to that all day. Especially during the last hour, of a meeting that appeared endless, her thoughts had drifted away from the room. She had been somewhere else, a place where things were more bearable. She had thought of Dana and how much she was longing to be with her. It was a soothing thought that, after a long and tiring day like this, the house wouldn’t be empty when she came home. The thought of Dana waiting for her filled her with a warmth that she had been yearning for such a long time; it was something she had almost forgot existed.

William had long been gone from her mind because she had been busy with so many other things and maybe it was better that she didn’t agonize over it for now. There wasn’t much she could do except waiting for Theo to come forward with information. She stepped out the building, thinking of the chilled glass of wine that awaited her at home - among other things. She started walking along the riverbank, thinking about the options she had: go straight to bed, forget about everything and deal with it in the morning or wait for Dana and fuck it all out. 

Right now option number one seemed more appealing because she was absolutely shattered but maybe the cool air would clear her head by the time she got back to their place. Stella decided to walk home although her feet hurt after being in these awful shoes all day long; she needed some time to get everything out of her mind. 

Stella knew that she had made a lot of mistakes and, what she hated most was something that she had to break to Dana later. She would be forced to go back to Belfast for the trials next month and she dreaded it with every fiber of her being. The only shimmer of hope she had was not having to go all by herself. She would ask Dana to join her but at the same time she didn’t want to bring her to Belfast. There were too many negative memories connected to that city and she wasn’t sure she wanted to drag her into that mess, but then again the case was over. Dana could see the city while she was at court and they could have a nice time the rest of the day. 

It wouldn’t be for long but it also meant that Stella had to explain a few more things. She had only been very vague about the case when they had discussed it in the past and Stella had once asked her not to look it up online. She knew what Dana would find there and she hadn’t been ready for that but maybe it was time to come clean about the whole thing if she wanted to get it over with once and for all. 

She kept walking and thought about all those people she had worked with, wondering what it would be like to see them again. It had been a while and it wasn’t like she had actually been on good terms with most of them. Far too many hadn’t been too fond of a stranger from the outside thinking she could solve their case; in the end she had failed just like the rest of them. The only ones she had said goodbye to, and these were the two people she had been most fond of, were Matt and Dany. She wouldn’t mind seeing them again; she knew that Danielle would do very well one day and she’d love to see her stand up against some of the idiots she worked with. She had always trusted and respected Matt; he was a wonderful and skilled person to work with and she felt like he was one of the few who hadn’t judged her in any way. At least he hadn’t shown it and she had always appreciated his decency.

And then there were the other two. She didn’t care so much about Jim; their affair had been what felt decades ago and she had long been over it when they met again. He had awkwardly tried to hold on to something that wasn’t supposed to last and he had crossed a line when he wouldn’t take ‚no‘ for an answer. She almost rolled her eyes at that memory, knowing that it would fill her with a satisfying amount of pleasure to rub it in his face, simply out of spite. She had moved on and, despite everyone’s accusations, managed to sort of settle down with such a gorgeous woman like Dana.  
Last but not least she remembered Reed. She was a nice woman and a good doctor but Stella almost laughed at the advances that she had made towards her, knowing that she would have scared that poor woman for life - if they had ever made it anywhere. She didn’t know what she had thought but maybe she had just been lonely and horny; everyone made mistakes every once in a while. 

She didn’t know how long it had taken her to get home as she pushed past people, from overcrowded main streets to the quieter ones, lost in her own thoughts. She opened the front door and stepped inside, kicking off her shoes before she even looked up. She held on to the doorframe, moaning at the pain when she tried to walk without shoes for the first time in hours. She held the hat and her bag in the other hand. 

„Rough day?“ Scully asked and watched Stella with a slight trace of amusement. She had just finished correcting term papers and by the look of it Stella needed the glass of wine just as much as she did. 

„Don’t ask,“ Stella said, a mild feeling of relief washing over her when she saw Dana. Slowly she walked over, putting her belongings on the counter, leaning over to kiss Dana. 

„Hey.“

„You look tired,“ Dana said. „Wanna talk about it?“

„Later,“ Stella said and took the glass from Dana’s hand. 

It was then that Scully noticed Stella’s attire and she’d lie saying it didn’t turn her on straight away. How had she never noticed that before?

„Holy shit,“ Scully whispered, smiling over the rim of her glass. „What the hell are you wearing?“

Stella looked up, surprised. She almost laughed at Dana’s expression, biting her lip. 

„It was an official meeting,“ she said and shrugged, sipping her wine. 

„And you thought it would be ok to hide this from me?“ Scully asked and motioned to the hat on the counter; she’d lie saying she wasn’t intrigued by what she saw. 

„I wanna see,“ she put her glass down and put her hands on Stella’s hips, pulling her close. 

„This is so fucking hot,“ she laughed and kissed Stella. 

„Who would have thought,“ Stella said between kisses, feeling more relaxed by now; her tension was slowly fading. 

„Detective Superintendent,“ Scully whispered against her lips, pulling her closer by the black tie she was still wearing. 

„Does that turn you on?“ Stella asked, stepping forward to close the distance between them. 

„You have no idea,“ she said and pulled her in for a long sensual kiss that melted away the last of Stella’s worries. 

„I’d love to strip you off this right now,“ Scully said, feeling pretty damn excited. „But I also want you to keep it all on.“

„Didn’t you have uniforms at the FBI?“ Stella asked and raised an eyebrow at Scully. 

„I had shoulder pads, ill-fitted suits and big coats,“ Scully laughed, remembering the early days. 

It hadn’t been like this by the time she had quit but it had certainly been a huge part of her career, one she would never be able to erase from her mind. 

„No shit, Sherlock,“ Stella laughed. „I wanna see that.“

„Not gonna happen,“ Scully said and kept her fingers wrapped around Stella’s tie, slowly pulling her towards the bedroom. 

„How’s that fair?“

„Your uniform is way hotter than mine,“ Scully said and Stella didn’t miss the sparkle in her eyes; she wouldn’t mind letting her take over for the night. God knows she could use a good fuck to clear her head. 

„Hang on,“ Scully said, going back to get the hat. She put it on her own head and smiled at Stella. 

„Gorgeous,“ Stella laughed and kissed Dana. „Get over here already,“ she said and walked into the bedroom. 

Stella stood in front of the bed, waiting for Dana. She wondered what she had in mind as long as she got to it straight away, she was getting slightly impatient herself. 

Scully pulled her towards her, kissing her slowly, her hands wandering up and down Stella’s slender body. 

„Will you help me out?“ Stella asked playfully. 

„Yes, officer,“ Scully said and started to open the buttons of her black jacket one by one. 

Scully pushed it off her shoulders and tossed it aside; Stella didn’t even have a chance to worry about wrinkles in her uniform while her body reacted to Dana’s touches. They french kissed slowly for a few minutes and Dana opened the buttons of the crisp white blouse, revealing a lovely cream colored bra. She broke away to kiss the part above her boobs, her tongue slowly caressing the soft skin. She untucked Stella’s blouse, pushing it off her shoulders with one swift movement. Stella tilted her head back and Dana slowly traced the outside of her neck with her tongue, all the way back to those beautiful breasts that she cupped with both hands, gently fondling them until Stella sighed in appreciation. 

„Turn around,“ she whispered into Stella’s ear and she complied. 

She opened the zipper of the skirt on the back and pushed it down; Stella stepped out of it as it pooled by her feet. She was still wearing the tie around her neck and for a brief moment Scully thought she could use that but then again she didn’t feel bold enough somehow and decided to leave that for another time. Tonight was not the right time for experiments; she just wanted Stella to relax.

Scully kissed her bare shoulders, guiding them towards the bed. Stella crawled on top of the sheets, settling against the cushions. Scully watched her with adoration for a few seconds; she didn’t mind that she was still fully dressed. She hovered above Stella, leaning in for a kiss. The hat fell off and they both laughed but no one bothered to put it back.  
One by one Scully kissed her way further down Stella’s body; the corners of her mouth, her neck and her shoulders, pushing the straps of her bra down one by one. Stella turned a little when Dana slipped a hand beneath her body, opening the clasp of her bra. She lifted the fabric off her body and tossed it aside; Scully sat back, straddling her. 

„You’re just a tad bit overdressed,“ Stella remarked quietly with a smirk. The initial anger and stress she had felt on her way home had already faded and she felt content and calm. 

„I think we can change that,“ Scully said. She grabbed the hem of her shirt, slowly lifting it over her head. „How’s that?“

„Not quite,“ Stella whispered. 

Scully never took her eyes off the woman in front of her while she reached behind herself to make quick work off her bra. 

„Getting there,“ Stella whispered and Scully leaned forward, pulling Dana closer. 

She loved the way that her breasts pressed against her naked body; the skin was so soft and inviting. She wrapped her arms around Dana, holding her close while they french kissed for a little while. Stella had her hands tangled in Scully’s hair, holding her close by the base of her neck. She felt her breath quicken, her blood rushing through her ears. She was slowly relaxing in Dana’s arms, humming softly into her mouth. 

Scully broke the kiss, leaving trails of kisses in her wake as she made her way along her body. She took one of Stella’s nipples in her mouth while kneading the other breast with her free hand and Stella felt herself getting wetter with every touch of her tongue. She held Scully’s hair back, softly moaning at the touch. Scully looked up before she repeated the same on the other side, flicking her tongue over the sensitive flesh. She watched Stella bite her lip, squirming a little.  
The moment she had laid eyes on Stella just a couple of minutes ago she had been so excited that all she wanted was get Stella into the bedroom but the original fucking she had in mind had quickly turned into slow love-making. Scully wasn’t sure what had changed but she was in no hurry, slowly savoring every inch of Stella’s body. 

Her fingertips gently brushed over the velvet skin of her torso, all the way back to the underside of her boobs. She felt the shiver that ran through Stella’s body, smiling against the skin. Scully propped herself up on one elbow, enjoying the view as she was cuddled up by Stella’s side. Her fingertips ghosted over her ribcage, feeling every bone while Stella arched into the touch, eager to create more friction but Scully was enjoying herself far too much to give in just yet. 

„You are so beautiful,“ Scully whispered into her ear, her warm lips brushing against the pulse point behind Stella’s ear and she shuddered in response, squirming a little. 

With her free hand Scully loosened the tie and took it off. She had got enough visuals for the night and what she had now would never be able to compete with any piece of clothing.  
Scully cupped her face, turning Stella’s towards her, looking straight into her eyes. She nipped at her bottom lip and Stella parted them in response, eager for more. Scully kissed the corners of her mouth, avoiding the contact that Stella was yearning for. She smiled softly when Stella groaned with a hint of frustration. The look in her eyes was soft and loving, giving her everything that she needed.  
When things got rough the thing that Dana needed most was reassurance. She needed to know that she was still alive somehow and loved, more so seeing that love returned by someone. She always needed to feel with her entire body aching for a safe place and it made her heart swell that she found just that in Stella’s eyes; a quiet confirmation, a gentle encouragement to continue with whatever she had in mind.  
Scully’s fingers wandered along the curve of Stella’s hips, along her legs as far as she could reach without moving away from Stella. She enjoyed the warmth that was radiating off her naked body, while she was still wearing her trousers. 

Without taking her eyes off Stella, Scully’s hands found the insides of her thigh; her fingernails grazing the sensitive skin, eliciting the softest moan from Stella. She instantly parted her legs a little wider and Scully repeated the movement with her fingers, running them up and down. She inched closer to Stella’s aching center, caressing the apex of her thighs. She could feel the warmth radiating from her, could smell the arousal. Gently she brought her hand to the other side, doing just the same while her hand occasionally brushed against her damp and perfectly trimmed pubic hair. By now Stella’s breath wasn’t quite so calm any longer, her chest rising and falling more rapidly. The anticipation was slowly driving her towards a desperately craved release; her eyes were closed and her lips parted on a silent moan. She looked absolutely gorgeous. 

Scully leaned in, her tongue brushing over Stella’s swollen lips. She craned her neck, wanting to increase the intensity of the tender touch. A soft moan escaped Stella’s lips when Scully moved a little closer to where Stella wanted it most. Scully traced the outlines of her swollen folds, gathering the juices she found there and a soft tremble shook Stella’s body. She tried hard not to press her legs together, trapping Dana’s hand right where it was. 

„You’re so wet,“ Scully whispered hot against her lips. 

It wasn’t quite the surprise, it had been obvious for a while now but Scully knew how much it turned Stella on. She smiled with her eyes closed, squirming in Dana’s arms. 

„You’re driving me crazy,“ Stella whispered, her voice heavy with anticipation, slightly hoarse. She pulled Dana in for a kiss before she surrendered to her loving administrations once more. 

„Tell me what you want,“ Dana whispered and Stella parted her legs a little wider, exposing her wet and swollen pussy. 

„You,“ Stella croaked between a kiss. 

„Talk to me,“ Dana whispered with a gentle smile. „I want to know.“

„I want you… to… to touch me,“ Stella whispered and bit her lip. 

„Where?“ Scully teased but her fingers were already brushing over her slick and swollen folds. „Right here? Is that what you want, love?“

Stella didn’t speak but the long strangled moan that escaped her lips was all Dana needed. She gathered the juices with her fingertips, slowly running them through her folds all the way from top to bottom again and again. 

„Yes,“ Stella hissed between several moans, her chest heaving in anticipation.

Scully avoided touching her where she wanted it most, circling her entrance before she pushed two fingers inside of her; just a few inches, swirling gently and Stella arched into the touch, crying out loud. Scully closed her eyes, reveling in the smooth and warm feeling of Stella’s cunt enclosing her wet fingers. Her own breath became more labored with every touch of her nimble hands. She pushed her fingers deeper inside Stella, crooking them in a come-hither motion to find that spongy soft spot and was immediately rewarded with a long exaggerated sigh. She moved her hands deliberately slow, her hand coated with Stella’s arousal. She leaned in, wrapping her lips around the dark sensitive flesh, teasing her nipple with her mouth while she gradually increased the speed of her fingers. The palm of her hand brushed against her swollen clit; Stella’s moans had subsided, telling her that she wasn’t far off from her release. She squirmed against her hand, giving in to Dana.  
She shifted a little to run her thumb over Stella’s swollen clit without having to withdraw her fingers, sucking and fondling her heavy breasts with delight. A few more well-placed strokes and Stella fell apart in her arms, crying out as the orgasm washed over her, gently trembling while she came down. 

Scully placed an open-mouthed kiss on her lips, smiling while she brushed a few strands of hair out of Stella’s face. Scully cupped her cheek with her free hand, finally withdrawing the other and Stella winced at the feeling. 

A little later that night Scully was snuggled up against Stella’s, her naked body softly glistening in the semi-darkness of their bedroom. She felt content and relaxed, comforted by the warmth of Stella. Her head rested on Stella’s shoulder, her right hand caressing her cheek while Stella absent-mindedly played with her hair.  
She was tired but not exhausted; her body was buzzing softly, gently lulling her in. 

„Care to tell me what was on your mind earlier?“ Scully asked and yawned. 

„I’ll need to go to Belfast next month,“ Stella said straight away. 

„For how long?“

„Just a couple of days,“ Stella said and reached down to pull the covers over them; she was starting to feel a little cold. „Will you come with me?“

Stella turned her head towards Dana, waiting hopefully. 

„I’ll see what I can do,“ Scully said and smiled. She leaned over to kiss Stella. 

„Thank you,“ she said and turned on her side, spooning Dana while she was ready to call it a night. 

„Goodnight,“ she whispered against her shoulder, listening to her soft breathing before she drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
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	26. The Belle of Belfast City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/StellaWind.gif)   
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>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/StellaWind.gif)   
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> A/N: Sorry it took so long, I hope you'll enjoy it! 

_She is handsome, she is pretty  
She is the belle of Belfast city._

***

Stella didn’t even know why she was so nervous before they boarded the plane to Belfast. The airport was as crowded as usual but they would soon leave Heathrow behind for a flight that was a little longer than an hour, taking them to the place she had vowed to leave behind about a year ago but it seemed impossible somehow. It kept coming back to her, haunted her on every step of the way and she hadn’t been given a chance to leave it behind once and for all.

They sat down by the window, waiting for boarding to start. Their luggage had been checked in and security checks hadn’t taken quite as long as they had thought. Scully looked relaxed and Stella was sure that she was secretly excited about the little trip although she had initially agreed to tag along simply to support Stella, knowing that she was dreading every minute of what laid ahead of her. Scully had never really gone on vacation in the previous years, it had never been the right time and something had always ruined her plans. Usually it had been Mulder calling her with something incredibly important or she would get stuck in a little town in Maine where a creepy doll killed people. She was ready to leave that all behind so she didn’t have anything planned. She would go out and see the city during the day when Stella was at work; she was sure that she would find something to do. It was only for three days and they were supposed to return to London on the fourth day. 

Scully turned her head, glancing at Stella. She seemed nervous although she tried very hard to hide it and somehow Scully thought it was adorable because she was one of the few people who ever got to see that side of Stella. Scully knew that she carried a copy of the file in her bag, copies of those documents that held evidence of everything that had gone wrong and she knew that Stella was achy to go through them again although she knew every word by heart. 

What if she had missed something?

It wouldn’t bring anyone back nor would it change the fact that mistakes had been made and that innocent people had died. Stella was certain that this would somehow haunt her for the rest of her life; the guilt of having let Spector crawl under her skin, allowing him to play her. 

„Right, let’s get this over with,“ Stella said when boarding was announced and people lined up almost frantically as if they were afraid they wouldn’t get a seat if they didn’t get in first. She grabbed her bag and Scully followed. 

„It’s gonna be ok,“ Scully tried, knowing that it must sound futile.

She felt a little nervous herself. She had never been able to shake off that uneasy feeling when boarding a plane. Knowing that it was probably the safest way to travel, it didn’t calm her to be at someone else’s mercy when she was trapped within the confines of a plane. The other thing that had been bugging her for a while now was the fear of the unknown. She had met Stella a little over nine months ago and somehow it felt so much longer; she felt like she had known her for so much longer and yet she knew almost nothing, or so it seemed sometimes. 

„I hope so,“ Stella sighed, handing over her passport and boarding pass with Scully following right behind her. 

She loved Stella, felt that love growing stronger every single day and it slowly started to fill the emptiness that had rooted within her over the years. She knew she was finally on the right path although she hadn’t been able to silence that small voice inside her head that tried to caution her, whispering that nothing lasted forever. Since she was a child she had stayed away from emotional attachment, trying to protect herself from things she couldn’t influence but she knew that Stella wasn’t the only one who needed to learn to let her guard down. 

„You wanna sit by the window?“ Stella asked when they reached their seats but Scully shook her head. 

„Go ahead,“ Scully said, shoving her bag into the overhead storage. 

The inside of the plane was illuminated by the low setting sun shining through the tiny windows, a soft orange-golden glow lighting up the space; it was soothing somehow but Scully knew that it would be dark soon, at least here on the ground.  
They took their seats, put their seat belts on and leaned back. Scully sighed, looking around. The flight didn’t seem fully booked and it was already announced that boarding was complete. 

„Everything okay?“ Stella asked and looked at Scully. 

„Yes, yes,“ Scully said, telling herself that her fear was irrational somehow. 

She had been on planes so many times that it shouldn’t be an issue; she had been on a bunch of long-haul flights, knowing that it wasn’t such a big deal. 

„I just never really liked flying,“ she admitted with a shy smile. 

„I didn’t know,“ Stella said more to herself. 

„I never mentioned it,“ Scully said and Stella put her hand on top of Dana’s, calmly resting on the armrest that separated their seats. 

„It’s not a big deal,“ Scully said quietly and took a deep breath. „I’ll get over it.“

Stella thought about going through the file but they were about to take off and someone would probably come and ask her to put the file away so she’d wait until they were airborne. A couple of minutes later, as soon as the seatbelt signs were turned off she took the file out of her bag, slowly browsing through the pages. 

„What are they hoping to find?“ Scully asked. 

Stella had told her about the case a while ago and it had briefly been mentioned every now and then but she had never got the whole picture. 

„I really don’t know,“ Stella mumbled without looking up. „I guess they need someone to blame. The culprit is gone, the families want someone to blame; they want justice and someone who takes the blame because they think it is what they need to find peace after all,“ Stella said. „If there’s no culprit to put behind bars it needs to be someone else to take the fall.“

„I understand,“ Scully said. 

She had been in such a position more than once. She had more than her fair share of cases that had been left unsolved or inexplicable and more often than she’d liked to admit she had found herself at the loss of an explanation when it came to justifying their actions. 

„You mind if I have a look?“ Scully asked, knowing that she probably wasn’t allowed to look at these files but who would ever find out? 

Even if they did she could always say that she had been consulted as a former FBI Agent to give a fresh perspective on things; she would come up with something if she had to. She had lied many times already, to protect her work and Mulder’s ass when he’d got himself involved in conspiracies. 

„Knock yourself out,“ Stella said, handing over the file. 

She watched Scully reading the reports, thinking about something that had been on her mind for quite some time now. About four weeks ago she had asked a colleague for a favor. She had asked him to find William Scully because she wanted to give Dana a chance for closure, whatever the outcome; she had never told Dana the truth. Considering that it had been a closed adoption in a different country she didn’t dare to get her hopes up that something would come up at all. She couldn’t say what she was to expect or how Dana would react once she found out, she hadn’t considered that in the beginning. All she wanted was for her to get a chance to let go off the anguish that had been tormenting her for so many years. 

Stella felt anxious, grateful for any kind of distraction that would take her thoughts away from the boy and the inquiry she had made, knowing that there was no going back now. It had worked pretty well until she had got a visit from Theo two days ago.

***

_She looked up when she heard a knock on the glass door, smiling briefly when she thought about the secret she had shared with the man who was now standing by the door._

_„You have a minute?“ he asked._

_„Yes, of course,“ Stella said. „Come in.“_

_He closed the door and sat down._

_„I tried to work on finding the boy,“ he said and Stella felt her hopes fade immediately._

_„What did you find out?“ she asked quietly, feeling slightly discouraged all of a sudden. A part of her wished that she had never gone down that road in the first place._

_„Well, first of all,“ Theo said and took a deep breath. „I don’t wanna get your hopes up, Stella. I’ve already told you that before and I think we both know that it wouldn’t be an easy thing to figure out.“_

_„You’ve been banging your head against a brick wall?“_

_„Sort of,“ Theo said. „But it’s not like I found nothing so far.“_

_„Really?“ Stella said, a look of surprise on her face because a part of her had already expected that the whole case would be closed by now._

_„I have been able to reach out to a few people,“ he began to explain. „But as I already said, it is a rather difficult matter. I’m pretty sure that the boys last name has been changed after the adoption,“ he said and Stella nodded._

_„I have been trying to get hold of a few names but I always came up empty handed, it’s a little bit like trying to find a needle in a haystack,“ he said. „I tried a different approach, getting an idea of who was close to Agent Scully at that time and who she had been working with. Even though the adoption was closed someone must have known something.“_

_Stella nodded, thinking. There was something about the whole thing that she didn’t like, it didn’t feel right to dig into Dana’s past like that._

_„I came up with three names,“ he said. „One of them is the Assistant Director of the FBI, Walter Skinner. It looks like he has been working pretty close with Agents Mulder and Scully, right until the end.“_

_Stella listened, wondering whether Scully had ever mentioned him._

_„I don’t think we can just ring him up and ask.“_

_„That would raise too many questions,“ Stella said, knowing that it would be a stupid thing to do._

_„There were two other Agents working with Agent Scully at that time.“_

_„One of them must have been Agent Mulder,“ Stella said but Theo shook his head._

_„Actually, no,“ Theo said and Stella was confused for a moment._

_She had always thought that they had been partners the entire time._

_„By the time William Scully had been given up for adoption, Fox Mulder was on the run from FBI.“_

_„She was alone?“ Stella asked quietly, trying to imagine the pain Dana must have felt back then._

_„Well, she seemed to have a different partner when she was pregnant. His name was Special Agent John Doggett, a veteran of the USMC. The United States Marine Corps. “_

_„Never heard of him,“ Stella said and shook her head._

_„There was one other name. A woman, Special Agent Monica Reyes. It looks like she has worked with Agent Doggett at some point. Have you ever heard of her?“_

_„No,“ Stella said, wondering what the hell had happened in Washington DC almost seventeen years ago._

_„That’s all I have so far,“ Theo said. „I’m afraid we’ll have to work our way around that somehow. It would help to know the family name of the boy but I can’t promise anything.“_

_„It’s not like I can ask Dana about these two, as far as I remember she has never mentioned them.“  
„I see,“ Theo said. „I’ll keep trying.“_

_„Thank you very much. I appreciate it,“ Stella said and with that he was gone, leaving her feeling more confused and guilty than she had before._

***

Scully read the file, skim-reading different reports on incidents and operation „Musicman“ but there wasn’t much that struck her as new or particularly odd. Somehow she had heard all the details before. She didn’t know whether she would have done things differently but with so many people working such a case mistakes were bound to happen.

It wasn’t supposed to but she knew very well that the reality was different. Stella had been in charge of the task force and if she wasn’t mistaken the man, named Paul Spector, had managed to get under her skin and Scully couldn’t even blame her. 

She still remembered Ed Jerse and how she had been drawn to him, how she had allowed him to influence her. She still carried evidence of that night on her lower back. She couldn’t see it but the strange sensation returned from time to time; she could feel it tingle where the tattoo had been put under her skin.  
She felt it now that she remembered it.  
Years ago she had considered having it removed but it had never happened. In the end she had decided that it was something she had got for a reason. She had tried to solve that case without Mulder to prove a point. She had wanted to make it clear that she didn’t need him and she had been so fed up with him at that time that she had needed to run off and do this on her own. She had allowed herself to get lost in the case, and another person, but she did have her reasons and she didn’t want to remove that part of her life. 

She closed the file, thinking that there was nothing more to say about it. What was she supposed to do? Point out the obvious mistakes that had been made? It wouldn’t change a damn thing and Stella knew that without her rubbing salt into the wound.

Scully leaned forward and put the file in the bag. Stella was looking out of the window; high above the clouds the sun lasted a little longer. Beautiful light was illuminating Stella’s face; her hair looked almost golden. Scully thought about all the things she didn’t know about Stella. She knew that Stella had got involved with people while working the case and that things had taken a turn for the worse when the press had got hold of it and one of her flings had ended up dead in line of duty.  
She wondered what else there was that she didn’t know but it might be interesting to see Stella in a different setting and a different position, knowing that she wouldn’t leave, whatever it was. 

Scully unfastened her seatbelt and raised the armrest that was keeping them apart. Stella looked away from the window and smiled. She turned a little, putting an arm around Scully when she moved closer. She snuggled up against Stella and looked out of the window. 

„Thank you for being here,“ Stella said quietly and kissed the top of her head. The rest of the flight passed in comfortable silence, the stewardess being the only one who disturbed them shortly to ask whether they needed anything. 

It was quiet on the plane as the sun vanished behind the clouds, even so far up in the sky. The day was coming to an end and from what Scully could see most of their fellow passengers were business men and women dressed in fancy suits, returning home from a busy working day. She suddenly enjoyed working in one place only. She was still traveling between Oxford and London but she counted that within the range of normal. She was no longer forced to fly out to different places all over the United States at the most ungodly hours to investigate an x-file. It wasn’t like she hated it although it sometimes must sound like it, she was ready to leave it behind after all this time, after everything she had lost to it. 

It soothed her to know where she’d sleep in the evening and that she would come home to find Stella going over a file or some other paperwork. She knew that Stella couldn’t wait for the day that the trials were over, and hopefully she would no longer be confined to her office. She loved working cases out on the street as they called it but the truth was that Scully was glad about Stella being inside a building that was mostly safe, knowing that she would come home in the evening.  
The thought of Stella pursuing criminals in the streets of London scared her, how would she get used to worrying all day?  
Her train of thoughts was interrupted when the captain announced their descend to Belfast International and they were asked to put their seatbelt on and adjust their seats. Scully listened only half-heartedly, knowing the drill by heart already. 

„I can’t wait to get out of here,“ Stella said and stifled a yawn.

„I’m getting hungry,“ Scully said. 

Between getting home from university and rushing to the airport there hadn’t been a lot of time to stop for food and she was beginning to feel it. 

„There’s a nice restaurant in walking distance from our hotel,“ Stella said. 

They might as well eat in the hotel bar but she did have some tainted memories when it came to that place and since it was getting a little warmer, now that they were approaching June, it might be nice to walk along the river and get some fresh air. 

„Sounds good, I’ll be happy with anything,“ Scully said and leaned back while the plane was making its descend, the lights of Belfast flickering in the distance. 

„Where are we staying?“ Scully asked, not that she knew where that would be in the city. 

She had been doing quite a few nightshifts at the hospital recently, losing track of time somehow whenever she was home. She had left planning to Stella, relying on her and the knowledge of the city. 

„Hilton,“ Stella said with a smirk. 

„Fancy,“ Scully said and laughed. 

„I need something nice and quiet when I get back from the trials,“ Stella said. 

„It sounds a lot better than those cheap roadside motels I always stayed in.“

„What, the FBI didn’t put you up in nice hotels?“ Stella joked. 

„Considering that most of the cases I worked on usually required us to travel to little towns in the middle of nowhere, cheap motels where the best places to crash in so I’m considering myself very lucky now,“ Scully said, remembering that she had once slept in a forest because her and Mulder had got lost during a search but she decided to leave that, and the creepy wood creature, for another time. 

About thirty minutes later they were lazily strolling through the airport, waiting for their bags to arrive. They had thought about packing small bags only so that they didn’t need to be checked in but after several pitiful attempts they had given up on trying to shove all of their stuff in two small carry-on bags and opted for a small suitcase each. Who had they been trying to fool? They both had packed stuff that could easily get them through three weeks of vacation. 

Scully followed Stella through the airport to find a taxi without paying attention to anything in particular. Airports were usually set up in familiar fashion so there weren’t many ways to go wrong. She knew that Stella had been here two times already and she admired how easily Stella navigated through the terminal, it seemed that she knew exactly where she had to be without getting lost like some of the tourists that were trying to find the quickest way to the coach station to get into town. 

„Did you actually get the chance to see the city while you practically lived here?“ Scully wondered when they sat in the back of the taxi a couple of minutes later. 

„I wish I could say so,“ Stella said. 

The truth was that, after almost three months, she felt like the only places she knew were the Police Department, the hospital, her hotel and several houses she had visited, usually as a crime scene. There were a few other places but nothing that had made it into her memory, nothing worth remembering.

„There wasn’t much time for sightseeing back then,“ she said and Scully understood. 

It wasn’t like she had got a lot of things to see although it felt like she had once travelled all over the States. Most of the time she had been happy to return to her own four walls and her own comfortable bed and she couldn’t blame Stella for feeling the same. Scully could hardly imagine being away from home for three months at a time to work on a case in a city that she didn’t know, with agents she had just met. 

„Have you thought about anything to do?“ Stella asked and Scully shook her head. 

„Not really.“ 

The truth was that she had brought her laptop because there were seminar papers that had to be graded. Maybe she could get that done while Stella was at work. 

„I could offer showing you around the Police Station, that’s as fancy as it gets.“

„I don’t believe that,“ Scully said and laughed.  
„I’m afraid you won’t find anything that you don’t know already.“

„Probably not but I’d like to see the place where it all happened,“ Scully said. 

The truth was that she was curious about the people Stella had worked with and she wanted to make sure that they knew that Stella was hers before they left. 

„You can come and pick me up from there,“ Stella offered. „Or you could go to the morgue.“

„How romantic,“ Scully said with faked enthusiasm. „Dinner date at the morgue.“

„Ew, I didn’t say anything about dinner,“ Stella said and Scully shrugged. 

During her years with the FBI she had had food countless times while working on autopsies. It had only been strange in the beginning but the human body gets used to pretty much anything after a while. 

„Did I ever tell you about the pathologist I was working with?“ Stella asked, thinking that she might as well get it over with before things got awkward somehow. She knew they were bound to run into Reed at some point. 

„I’m not sure you have. Anything I really need to know?“ Scully asked, having a feeling about this already because Stella bit her lip and smiled.  
She knew she had done nothing that required justification from her side but she wanted to throw it out there anyway. 

„Well, I was working with Tanya Reed Smith,“ Stella started to explain, inhaling slowly. „She’s a great doctor, she was easy-going and fun to work with.“

„And?“

„I was bored and lonely,“ Stella said and kept ‚horny‘ to herself though she didn’t miss how Dana playfully rolled her eyes at her. 

„We met in the hotel bar one night and I surprised her with a kiss when a guy was hitting on her and he wouldn’t get the hint.“

„You played the lesbian card, how imaginative.“

„I wasn’t just playing, I was serious back then.“

„What about her?“

„She chickened out when we were waiting for the elevator to go to my room.“

„How disappointing,“ Scully said, not feeling very sorry though. 

Stella shook her head and pursed her lips.  
„Why are you telling me this?“ Scully asked and Stella shrugged. 

„Just thought you should know.“

„Was that anything serious you had in mind with her?“

„Oh God, no,“ Stella said. „Not at all. Just wanted to have a little fun,“ Stella said a little quieter. 

„And she left you hanging in there,“ Scully said.

„You left me after I kissed you for the first time!“

„That was different,“ Scully said in her defense. „Tell me, am I going to meet her?“

„Probably,“ Stella said. „That’s why I told you in the first place. People always talk, you know how they like to gossip at the PD. I’m not ashamed of anything but I didn’t want it to be weird for you since this is the stuff that usually makes the rounds first.“

„Does anyone know about what happened at the bar?“

„Not that I know of but someone always knows someone who has seen someone at that bar at that exact same point, you know how it works.“

„Thank you for telling me,“ Scully said and she absolutely meant it. „Was she cute?“ Scully wanted to know after considering the question for a few seconds. 

„Absolutely nothing compared to you, love,“ Stella said and leaned in to kiss her. 

„That’s what I wanted to hear,“ Scully said. 

„I’m serious,“ Stella told her. „You’ll see for yourself.“

***

„Why did it feel like this took ages?“ Stella said and kicked open the door.

She dropped her bag and crawled onto the bed, rolling on her back and Scully did the same. For a couple of minutes they laid on the bed without saying a word before Scully rolled on her side and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

„We can stay in if you like,“ Scully said but Stella shook her head. 

„I thought we wanted to go out for dinner?“

„We can order something to our room.“

„No, I just want to refresh a little and then we can walk to that place I mentioned earlier. I just need to get out of these damn shoes,“ she said and kicked off her heels. „I think I packed flats.“

„I think you packed enough for England.“

„I need to be prepared for everything,“ Stella said and slid to the edge of the bed. 

„Like what, the apocalypse?“ Scully mocked her and laughed; Stella reached for a pillow and threw it at her before she got of the bed. 

„I’ll be ready in a few,“ she said and disappeared into the bathroom. 

Scully thought it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to put something more comfortable on, she was still wearing her work attire after all. She walked over to the window front with a gorgeous view over the river and the city lights spreading out behind. 

It was mild but slightly windy when they stepped out of the hotel and Stella looked around for a moment, trying to figure out which way to go. 

„That way,“ she said and pointed in the direction. „Now I remember,“ she said and together they headed towards the river. 

Slowly they strolled along the waterfront with a bunch of locals and a fair share of tourists that were hanging out there after a long day in the city.

„Does it feel strange to be back here?“ Scully asked after a few meters, her pinky brushing against Stella’s hand while they walked. 

„A little,“ Stella admitted. „But like I said it’s not like I got much to see and do here except for work.“

„It seems like a nice place,“ Scully said and let her gaze wander. „Well, except for creepy serial killers.“

„Don’t you have them everywhere?“ Stella noted and Scully couldn’t help but agree.  
„I miss this,“ Stella said and finally took Scully’s hand while they kept walking. „Just going somewhere without actually having to worry about something.“

„I know what you mean,“ Scully said. „We’ve got plenty of time to catch up on a lot of things.“

Scully still remembered the conversation they had on their last night in Cornwall when Stella had been sad about missed opportunities. She understood that feeling but she didn’t want her to return that place tonight, she wanted her to be happy and relaxed. 

They reached the restaurant on foot in less than ten minutes and took a table for two somewhere in the back. The OX was busy but not uncomfortably crowded. There were people chatting along with the clinking of glasses and gentle music playing somewhere in the background. 

„It’s getting warmer,“ Stella said once they had ordered their drinks. 

„I noticed,“ Scully said, wondering what she was getting at. 

„Are you still up for going back to Cornwall in the summer?“ Stella asked, sounding almost hopeful as if a part of her was afraid that she would refuse.

„Yes, of course,“ she said and her face lit up with excitement. „I can’t wait to go back. I don’t remember the last time I actually swam in an ocean.“

„The water will probably be freezing cold,“ Stella said. „Even in summer.“

„I don’t care,“ Scully said with a smile. „We’ll go back there, Stella,“ she said and reached across the table to put her hand on top of hers. „And it’s gonna be wonderful.“

„I can’t wait,“ Stella said and bit her lip, trying to hide her excitement and for a little while everything else was forgotten. 

She didn’t think of work and Paul Spector; the guilt she felt over trying to find William. She didn’t think of missed opportunities and wasted chances because all that mattered to her now was that she was having dinner with Dana in a lovely restaurant in Belfast. It was something so normal to so many people but to her something like this meant the world. The woman sitting opposite her, smiling over the edge of her wine glass, meant the world to her and she wouldn’t change a minute of everything that has happened. 

„Can I ask you something, Dana?“ Stella said halfway through dinner and Scully smiled. Sometimes she thought she would never get used to someone addressing her by her first name but she liked it. 

"I like Dana. It’s a lovely name, why not use it?"

It was something she had said the first night they had met and it had touched her deeply; Scully had never forgot about it.

„Of course, love.“

„The night we met,“ Stella said, feeling nervous all of a sudden. 

It was then that she remembered all of it. It felt like it had only happened yesterday and the truth was that they had never properly addressed the events that had brought them together that night. 

„You ran away from me.“

„I didn’t mean to offend you.“

„No,“ Stella said and laughed nervously. „That’s not it, don’t worry. It just got me thinking when I mentioned it earlier.“

„I was confused and it was a difficult time.“

„I thought I was never going to see you again,“ Stella said calmly. „But I was glad I kissed you, I wanted you to remember me.“

„It worked,“ Scully said softly. 

„Did you think of me then?“

„The whole time,“ Scully admitted with a smile. „Did I ever tell you that I spent most of the way home crying?“

„Was it that bad?“ Stella asked, knowing that it probably hadn’t been the point. 

„Not at all,“ Scully explained. „I think that was the problem. I was tired and everything was terribly overwhelming. You left me confused and I wasn’t used to that kind of attention. I even felt guilty but most of all I thought: What the hell am I gonna do if I’ll never see her again?“

„I never knew,“ Stella said softly, honestly touched.

„I was scared,“ Scully said. „But at the same time I was so intrigued that I knew I had to come back and find you somehow.“

„You did,“ Stella said and held onto the hand that was covering hers. 

„Yes, I did.“

„Maybe some things are just meant to be?“ Stella asked and raised an eyebrow at Scully. 

„I believe that,“ she said and laughed. 

She didn’t say she wanted to believe it like she once had because Stella was sitting right in front of her. 

„I know it took a while,“ Stella said and looked at their hands. „But I thought about that night a lot, whenever I felt lonely. I’m not sure where I would be right now if I hadn’t run into you that night,“ She said quietly. 

Her voice was serious and Scully saw the brief flash of sadness in her eyes. 

She knew that, she had had the same feeling many times before but maybe all they had to do was look forward and not back. 

„Does it matter?“ Scully said gently and reached out to touch Stella’s chin with her free hand, slowly lifting her head to look at her. 

„All that matters is that you are here with me now and it seems just perfect to me. It saved me in so many ways and I wouldn’t change a day.“

„You’re right,“ Stella said and sipped her wine, mostly because she didn’t trust her voice and she needed a moment to collect herself. 

„You know,“ she said and put her glass aside. „I’ve always wondered about the exact moment I fell in love with you,“ she said and her gaze wandered a little, lost in thoughts.  
„For so long I couldn’t actually say but I think it happened the moment I saw you during the storm. That’s why I needed to make sure you were okay. That’s why I didn’t want you to forget about me,“ Stella said and Scully thought she was close to tears.

„That’s one of the most wonderful things I’ve heard in a long time,“ she said quietly and Stella smiled.

„You want to get out of here?“ Stella suggested once their plates had been taken away and their wine glasses had been emptied. 

Scully asked for the check and a little while later they were strolling along the waterfront, heading back to the hotel that could already be seen in the distance. 

They were both quiet, something calming had settled upon them and Scully felt that being so honest with each other had moved something inside of her. She appreciated Stella’s words, knowing it didn’t come easy for her. 

„You know,“ Scully said and stopped walking by the river. „I still have that shirt you gave me that night. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice and in case I didn’t see you again I would always have that to remember you by.“

„It’s yours,“ Stella said and held onto her hand, then she put her arms around Dana and closed the distance between them. 

Slowly she kissed her, getting lost in the moment. She knew that something had changed between them and it made her feel stronger and safer. 

„Let’s go back to our room,“ Scully whispered against Stella’s lips and smiled. 

„Only if you promise not to change your mind and leave me by the elevator,“ Stella said.  
„I wouldn’t even dream of it,“ Scully said and took Stella’s hand. 

Stella looked at her while they waited for the elevator that would take them to the fifth floor, a smile on her face. It almost felt like she was learning to laugh and love again in a way she hadn’t experienced before. She was starting to shape her life with Dana, taking a few tumbles on the way. 

She knew it was time to let her guard down and let Dana see her tears and fears and maybe accept that it was okay to feel vulnerable. It wasn’t something she would do openly or something that came easily but she promised herself to try. They stepped into the elevator, both quiet and lost in their own thoughts and it was then that Stella realized that it was more than just one kind of love. It was sharing her darkest secrets, her fears and all the nightmares that tormented her. It was her share of lovers that had come and gone in the past; it was the kind of love that had her excited and made her hands sweaty with anxiety and anticipation. 

Stella stayed a few steps behind when Dana opened the door and walked over to the window to enjoy the sight once more, and so did Stella. Maybe it was finding love in the little things, the feeling that she got absolutely everything she needed from a single hug, or a brief kiss on the forehead when they said goodbye and left for work in the morning. She was slowly realizing how lucky she was, no longer feeling restless because there was an endless wish to find something though she never knew what it was that she needed.  
She put her purse down and kicked off her flats, walking over to where Dana was standing. She put her hands on Dana’s hips and her chin on her shoulder, taking in the gorgeous view.  
Stella knew she would never settle for something easy but she would fight for it and she would promise herself to learn, for herself and for Dana. She would learn how to be cared for when she was too tired from being too strong for too long. 

Scully turned around in Stella’s arms, putting her arms around her neck. 

„You know I fell in love with you because you made me feel like I wasn’t invisible, you made me feel loved.“

 _Yes,_ Stella thought. 

She was finally doing the right thing. She was starting to see herself through the eyes of her lover, a friend and the woman she loved. She had to learn to let go of her insecurities and undress all of her scars and flaws without feeling pain and she knew Dana would be there to soothe the ache. 

„You made me feel special, you still do every single day,“ Scully said and kissed her. 

„I can make you feel a lot more,“ Stella whispered into her ear and Scully laughed but followed her into the bedroom anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
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	27. If You Forget Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/Ch27.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/Ch27.gif)   
> 
> 
> A/N: The lovely gif has been made by [buckupcamper](https://twitter.com/buckupcamper) on twitter! Thanks for that! And special thanks to [ScullyGolightly](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullyGolightly/pseuds/ScullyGolightly) for your help x 

_I want you to know_  
_one thing._  
_You know how this is:_  
_if I look_  
_at the crystal moon, at the red branch_  
_of the slow autumn at my window,_  
_if I touch_  
_near the fire_  
_the impalpable ash_  
_or the wrinkled body of the log,_  
_everything carries me to you,_  
_as if everything that exists,_  
_aromas, light, metals,_  
_were little boats_  
_that sail_  
_toward those isles of yours that wait for me._  
_Well, now,_  
_if little by little you stop loving me_  
_I shall stop loving you little by little._  
_If suddenly_  
_you forget me_  
_do not look for me,_  
_for I shall already have forgotten you._  
_If you think it long and mad,_  
_the wind of banners_  
_that passes through my life,_  
_and you decide_  
_to leave me at the shore_  
_of the heart where I have roots,_  
_remember_  
_that on that day,_  
_at that hour,_  
_I shall lift my arms_  
_and my roots will set off_  
_to seek another land._  
_But_  
_if each day,_  
_each hour,_  
_you feel that you are destined for me_  
_with implacable sweetness,_  
_if each day a flower_  
_climbs up to your lips to seek me,_  
_ah my love, ah my own,_  
_in me all that fire is repeated,_  
_in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,_  
_my love feeds on your love, beloved,_  
_and as long as you live it will be in your arms_  
_without leaving mine._

_[If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda]_

***

Scully opened her eyes, a smile creeping onto her sleep-warm face. She knew that the other side of the bed was empty. She heard Stella going through her makeup bag in the bathroom, it’s soft light falling into the room. She hugged the pillow and closed her eyes, reveling in last nights memories. They had made love to each other with no rush. It was gentle and loving, unusually so and she had savored every moment of it. She felt serene and content, knowing that everything about this had been right.

She felt Stella’s hand caressing her naked skin; the soft underside of her breasts, the inside of her thighs and the soft skin behind her ear. Scully sighed and squirmed, her fingertips tingling. She felt a little guilty because she was still naked in bed while Stella was dressed already with dreadful day at work to look forward to. While she was still wrapped up in sweet memories Stella emerged from the adjoining bathroom, looking as beautiful as ever. 

„Morning,“ Stella said and sat down on the edge of the bed. Scully smelled her perfume, a sense of familiarity washing over her. „What are you smiling about?“

„I don’t know,“ Scully whispered into the pillow, keeping her eyes closed. „You.“

„How sweet,“ Stella said and leaned in for a kiss; her lips were warm and soft against her own. 

„It’s so early,“ Scully said and sat up. „You should come back to bed.“ She smiled at Stella, knowing that she wouldn’t get far with this. 

She put her hand on Stella’s neck, gently nudging her closer and she gave in to the kiss, lingering a little before she hummed against her lips. 

„Uh uh,“ Stella said. „Can’t let you mess up my hair.“

„I promise that I won’t touch it,“ Scully said, her thumb caressing her cheek. 

„Sorry, love. I gotta go,“ Stella said with one last kiss. Scully leaned back and sighed dramatically, knowing that it was time for Stella to leave. 

„Do you want me to pick you up today?“ Scully asked, stretching her legs. 

„I’m not sure when we’ll finish,“ Stella said and checked her bag. „But I can text you when I’m ready for lunch.“

„That sounds great,“ Scully said and got out of bed. She might as well get ready too, it wasn’t like she didn’t have things to do. 

„Do you need directions?“ Stella asked and put her coat on, Scully shook her head. 

„I think I’ll be fine. I can always call an Uber,“ she said and Stella laughed. 

„Okay. I’ll see you later,“ she said and walked over to where Dana was standing, kissing her goodbye like it was something she always used to do. She stepped away from her, holding on to her hand with a smile on her face, remembering the mornings that she had woken up alone. All these mornings when she had told herself that she didn’t need anyone and that it was okay to wake up alone with no one to disturb the silence that she had always treasured. She had to admit, now that she was looking at Dana, that she had been wrong all along. 

„It will be okay,“ Scully said when she noticed that Stella was hesitant about her departure. 

„I’m just afraid it’ll be awkward,“ she said with a nervous smile and shrugged. 

„I’m sure you’ll be okay,“ Scully said. „I’ll come and save you around lunch time.“

„Thank you,“ she said and with that she was out of the door. 

Scully padded into the bathroom, picking up the clothes they had discarded the night before when they had undressed each other on the way to bed. A smile crossed her face when she realized that a trace of Stella’s perfume was still lingering in the air. She had a long shower, wondering whether it was worth hurrying down to the bar for breakfast. She might as well take her time and grab a coffee somewhere. She didn’t come here to be stuck in the hotel all day and she wasn’t feeling hungry just yet. 

She took her time getting ready and left the hotel lobby with her laptop just in case she decided to do some work after all. Scully wanted to see the city but at the same time she felt obliged to accomplish something before she ventured forth to the unknown streets of Belfast. She wasn’t scared of getting lost, there were only so many places where she could end up and she thought that she could always call a taxi and get back to the hotel. With that thought in mind she strolled along the marina, the same path she had walked with Stella the night before. She looked around, noticing that there were fewer people out and about at such an early hour, and found a nice little cafe not far from the restaurant she had visited yesterday. 

Scully ordered a skinny vanilla latte before she chose a table; the place was almost empty, nice and quiet so she wasn’t in a hurry to find something before it was taken. When she sat down she looked around, thinking that she had never done such a thing before. She wasn’t one of those people who spent their time working in noisy coffee shops and here she was, doing just that. It didn’t bother her and it wasn’t quite as bad since the place wasn’t overrun by customers yet. There was just the occasional order every now and then but no one stayed, they all waited for their names to be called, picked up their coffee and were gone without so much as a second glance. 

Scully sipped her coffee, letting the sweet taste of vanilla melt on her tongue. It was smooth and delicious and she wasn’t keen on busying herself with work. Watching the people around her was far more interesting for the time being and while she did so she once again thought about Stella and her former colleagues. She was curious but what else did she hope to achieve by going to the Police Station?  
She knew that Stella had been slightly bothered by what her colleagues thought about her. She always stressed that it was quite the contrary but in the end it had mattered a great deal to her.  
She wasn’t as invincible as she always let on and, while Scully understood that she preferred this kind of behavior at work where she was in charge, she knew that the Stella she knew in private was different. She was vulnerable and sensitive and it had hurt her somewhere deep inside when things had gone wrong and people had started talking. Even back in London it had been hard to shake off the traces of Belfast and she knew it had taken a great deal of strength to leave that behind. 

She knew she wanted to be there for Stella, to let her know that she wasn’t alone and to show the rest of them that the Detective Superintendent wasn’t as cold-hearted and bitchy as they liked to believe. There was that feeling of wanting to rub it in their faces, she couldn’t even lie about that. 

She smiled, wondering whether it was jealousy and then she wasn’t sure what she might be jealous of. 

The pathologist? 

She wasn’t quite sure about it though she wouldn’t mind seeing her just to know what Stella had been up to.  
Scully almost shook her head to herself and put her cup down, opening the laptop she had just put in front of her. She might as well get her work out of the way and then figure out what to do after lunch with Stella.  
It took her a few moments to get back into work mode, ignoring the rustle and bustle around her and soon she was absorbed in her work, barely noticing the growing crowds of people frequenting the shop. 

Only a little while later, when someone’s order was called out, did she look up from her screen, wondering if she had heard that correctly. 

„Bob?“ the barista called again, waiting for the guy who had ordered the coffee. 

Scully laughed to herself, suddenly remembering how she had been in a coffee shop with Mulder once, while working on a case. Out of nowhere he had accepted an order for someone named „Bob“ and when she had asked him about it he simply explained that he wasn’t in the mood for anecdotes and jokes about his real first name; Fox just didn’t exist in coffee shops she had said and couldn’t blame him. 

She had picked on that every now and then, joking about it whenever they were working on a case but the last time was such a long time ago that she barely remembered where it had been and yet it made her laugh. She stopped reading a term paper and reached into her back to retrieve her phone, instantly typing a message just to tell Mulder that she had just been reminded of something they had always laughed about but before she hit „send“ her fingers stopped. 

She put the phone down with a sigh, a strange sense of melancholy washing over her. She had thought about him a lot during the last couple of weeks but it was the first time this had happened since their break up. She had that sudden urge to share something with him, something nice and she hadn’t even given it a second thought but suddenly it didn’t feel right.  
They hadn’t talked much because she never knew what to say. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings more than she already had and Scully always thought that she needed to protect him somehow. She had stayed away from him with the intent of giving them both time to cope with the break up that seemed final after all. She had been wrapped up in her relationship with Stella that she had barely had time to think about Mulder and it now filled her with a strange feeling of longing and sadness that she had failed to acknowledge before. 

She stared at her phone without reaching out to send the message. She had felt excited but it wasn’t the same any more. Things had changed and their relationship had changed but it bothered her how strange it suddenly felt; it shouldn’t be that way, not after almost twenty-five years. They were both grown-ups and she didn’t want to cut him out of her life just like that. She had loved him once and a part of her always would, she didn’t want to go on pretending it hadn’t happened.

Stella had never asked, knowing that their relationship had been intense and special to both of them. She had always wanted to give Dana time to come to terms with her decisions but maybe, Scully thought, it was time to talk about it. Mulder would always be a part of her life and she didn’t want to go on pretending it ain’t so. She wanted to make it clear that, although she sometimes missed him dearly, Stella had nothing to worry about because she would never go back to being with Mulder.  
She was happy where she was now and she knew too well that, what she had with Mulder didn’t work out and probably never would, but she would always treasure these years. She had stuck around for so long for many reasons and not all of it had been bad.

Scully took another deep breath and reached for her phone. She deleted the original message and tried to think of something else. Why not go for the truth? She just wanted to know how Mulder was doing, so why not ask? She hated beating around the bush, pretending that they didn’t know each others worst fears and darkest secrets; that they hadn’t shared a lifetime together and literally been to hell and back.  
These would always stand between them and pretending that they hardly knew each other seemed childish. She texted him, asking how he was doing and a couple of seconds later her phone buzzed and the screen lit up with an incoming call. 

She didn’t even have to look to know that it was him. She waited for two or three seconds before she accepted the call, feeling a little nervous all of a sudden. She internally rolled her eyes at herself, trying to ease that feeling with a sip of lukewarm coffee and waited. 

„Scully, it’s me,“ he said calmly. 

„I know,“ she answered.

„Am I interrupting you or anything?“

„No, no,“ she answered when she realized that he was talking to her. Slowly, she leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath. „Actually, I’m not working at the moment.“

It was only half a lie, she thought and closed her laptop. 

„Okay, right,“ he said and sighed. 

_Oh God, this is awkward_ , she thought and decided to get it out of the way immediately. 

„Mulder is it weird for you?“ she asked quietly. „It feels kinda awkward and… I don’t want that.“

„A little,“ he admitted. „I just don’t wanna say something wrong.“

„Wrong? How?“ she asked but somehow she understood. „How about we get that out of the way? It feels weird,“ she tried, wondering whether it sounded pathetic. 

He chuckled softly. 

„Sounds good to me,“ he said. 

„I miss you, Mulder,“ she said and hoped that she didn’t push it too far. 

„Are you happy, Scully?“ 

„Yes,“ she answered quietly as if it was something not to be heard by strangers. „But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. We’ve known each other for so long and I don’t want to pretend that I don’t know you unless that’s what you want,“ she said and her heart sank a little. 

Could she really cope with him cutting her out of his life for good? She would understand because it gave him a chance to start fresh but she’d certainly be biting the bullet on that one. 

„No, that’s not what I want,“ he said and a Scully felt a wave of relief wash over her, a smile on her lips. 

„I didn’t call you because I knew you are with Stella,“ he said.

„But that doesn’t mean I can’t talk to you,“ she said and strongly believed it.

She considered herself to be mature enough to handle this properly. She still remembered the last time she had ended up in bed with Mulder but that had been an emotional time when things had been difficult and feelings were still raw. She knew it didn’t justify the fact that they had both cheated but she had learned from her mistakes and she had no intention to repeat that. 

„Does she know?“

„I won’t ask for her permission to talk to you, Mulder,“ she said and meant it though she wouldn’t keep it a secret from her either. „I’m sitting in a coffee shop, trying to do some work and something reminded me of you and it made me sad that I wasn’t sure whether I could share it.“

He took a deep breath, thinking about her words. He had wanted to be mad at her and had been for quite some time after she had left but he couldn’t blame her either. They had tried time and time again and it wouldn’t be good for both of them to try to hold onto something that had been damaged beyond repair many years ago. 

„I love to hear from you,“ he said honestly, feeling a little more relieved than he had before. „Since when do you hang out in coffee shops?“

„I’m in Belfast, Bob,“ she said though it didn’t give him an answer to his question. He laughed and she couldn’t help but join in and it felt nice. 

„I can’t believe you’re still laughing about this,“ he said. „What are you doing in Belfast?“ he asked before he could make up his mind about whether this was any of his business or not. 

„Trying to have some sort of vacation while Stella is attending trials regarding an old case,“ she said and bit her lip. 

„I hope you’ll have a nice time,“ he said with a smile. „Listen, Scully I gotta go,“ he said and she wondered if she had said the wrong thing. 

„Okay, I don’t want to keep you from anything.“

„You’re not,“ he said. „Look, how about we grab a coffee once you’re back? Nothing awkward, I promise. We’ll go to a neutral place and have a coffee. Like normal people do.“

„That sounds wonderful,“ she said softly. „I’d like that.“

„It was nice hearing your voice. Call me when you’re back?“

„I’ll do that. Goodbye,“ she said.

„Bye, Scully,“ he said and the line went dead. 

She felt a little lighter than she had before although she couldn’t deny that there was still something weird about the whole situation but she was glad that he had decided to call her. Maybe it would just take a while for all of them to get used to this situation. Scully looked outside, wondering whether to go for a walk but the sky looked very overcast and she didn’t bring an umbrella so she got another coffee and opened her laptop to finish work before she would be on her way to pick Stella up.***Stella sighed, feeling exhausted by the time lunch hour rolled around and she instantly regretted skipping breakfast in the morning. She was starving while she was stuck in a conference room, putting up a brave front. Stella was glad that they were on a tight schedule so that that there wasn’t much time for things to get too awkward. They had briefly exchanged pleasantries that no one was particularly interested in, trying to get the conversation started somehow. It had been just as terrible as she had always imagined but she soon found herself relaxing when familiar faces gathered round the table. 

Stella put on a smile as they worked their way through the set out agenda. She quietly observed the team, wondering how the case had affected each and every one of their lives in the aftermath. She saw Matt who had welcomed her with a warm greeting and had managed to put a genuine smile on her face for the first time since she had stepped into the building. They had been off to a rough start but in the end he had been one of the few people she had trusted and enjoyed working with. 

Stella’s gaze wandered, resting on the cute redhead to her right. She hadn’t been sure whether Dany had tried to avoid her at first, sensing that she was still a little intimidated by her; maybe she had simply been caught off guard. Stella noticed that Jim and Reed were missing but she didn’t ask questions, no need to complicate matters in any way.  
One thing she remembered though, while she secretly watched Dany out of the corner of her eye, was the way she had said goodbye to her.  
She could tell that Dany way still somewhat embarrassed and Stella felt sorry because she had always liked her. She had been one of the few people she had actually trusted and on the day of her departure she was the only one who had been genuinely touched, and said goodbye, although Stella had not been able to return that feeling. She had been too shaken up by the attack, all too eager to get away from Belfast, that she hadn’t even said goodbye to Dany but she told herself to apologize for her behavior once all of this was over. 

Stella was briefed on the recent events, things that had changed while she was gone and what she was to expect during the trial. She nodded, listening quietly while she jotted down a few things on her notepad, secretly counting down the minutes until lunchtime.  
She had texted Dana a few minutes ago, telling her that they were almost done. 

_I’ll be there in a few. x_

The reply came quick and the screen of her phone lit up with the incoming message. Stella checked it, smiling without looking up. She quickly regained her professional demeanour, ignoring her phone and pretended to pay attention to the on-going conversation. She still wondered what the hell she was doing here and what they were trying to achieve.  
They already had everything they needed and nothing she said would change the outcome in any kind of way but she decided that she owed it to the detectives and officers that had been assigned to her and thought it was best to co-operate to make it as easy as possible for everyone involved.

***

A sigh of relief went across the board when lunchtime was announced and the room was suddenly filled with mindless chattering and quickly made up lunch plans. Stella watched them for a second, feeling like the outsider she had always been but she wasn’t bothered by it; she knew that Dana was waiting for her.

„Stella?“ Matt called her when they reached the door. „We’re heading out for lunch if you’d like to join us,“ he said and she stopped, caught a little off guard before they walked through the door into the hallway.

„Oh,“ she said and looked around and saw Dana waiting. „I… I already have someone waiting for me. Thank you for the offer though,“ she said with a smile. 

Stella smiled when she laid eyes on Dana. Spotting her hadn’t been difficult because she easily stood out against pretty much everyone who crossed her path. She walked towards her, wondering what to do but when had she ever really given a damn? She knew that all her former colleagues were still around, probably watching her and a smile broke out on her face. 

„Hey,“ she said softly and Scully waited, not knowing what Stella considered appropriate but she put her hand on Dana’s cheek and leaned in for a soft kiss.

„Dana, this is Detective Chief Inspector Matt Eastwood,“ she said when they stood in front of each other. 

„Pleasure to meet you,“ Dana said and shook his hand. „I’m Dr. Dana Scully.“

„She used to be a former FBI Agent,“ Stella said with a smile and excused herself to get her back while Dana talked to Matt. She walked to the office at the end of the department and grabbed her bag and her scarf in case it was still chilly outside. 

A few moments later Stella was back.

„Ready when you are,“ she said.

„Okay, I’ll see you later then,“ Matt said, joining a few other Police officers to head out for lunch. 

„How was it?“ Scully asked when Stella walked beside her.

„Don’t ask,“ Stella said and laughed. „Pretty much what I expected. Please tell me you don’t want a tour, I need to get out of here.“

„I’m good,“ Scully said and looked around. There really wasn’t anything fancy about the whole place and it wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before. Stella had noticed that they had been watched by a bunch of people who had sat through the meeting with Stella. 

„I bet they’re dying to know what’s going on here,“ Scully said when they walked towards the door.

„Let them ponder it all they want,“ Stella said with a smile and reached for her scarf. „Is it still chilly out there?“

„No,“ Scully said. „But it looks like it’s going to rain sooner or later.“

Before they left she reached for Dana’s hand and entwined their fingers. She couldn’t help but smile, knowing they were being watched and it did fill her with just a little amount of pride. 

„Matt seems nice,“ Dana said and looked at her. 

„He is,“ Stella said. „Very decent man, one of the few I’ve actually trusted while working here.

Dana was right, the air felt humid and the sky was greyish with an impending storm on the horizon. She just hoped that the weather wouldn’t ruin her hairdo and make it all frizzy; she hated to think that she had spent all this time in front of the mirror for nothing this morning.

***

„How was your morning?“ Stella asked over lunch; they had chosen a nice Asian restaurant that wasn’t far off from the police station.

„Just had coffee in a nice little place and finished the term papers,“ she said and bit her lip. 

She decided against mentioning Mulder, not because she wanted to hide it but it wasn’t the right time. She only had so much time with Stella at the moment that she didn’t want to spend it discussing something she hadn’t quite wrapped her head around yet. 

„Anything you’d like to do in the afternoon?“ 

„No,“ Scully said. She was starting to feel a little guilty for not making plans but how difficult could it be? „I think I’ll just walk around the city centre and see where it takes me.“

„Don’t get lost,“ Stella said and she laughed. 

„I’ll trust you to find me wherever I am,“ Scully said with a smile.

***

„Do you want me to walk you back?“ Scully asked and reached for her hand once more when they were about to leave the restaurant and head back to work.

„That would be nice,“ Stella said and, side by side, they made their way back to the police station. 

She had always thought that she needed to be tough in order to exude a certain kind of authority and that there was no place for vulnerability although she had never necessarily considered it a bad thing. She wasn’t against displaying emotions but she had always been keen in keeping her private ones out of her professional life, that was until her various sexual affairs had mingled with their case. 

They were waiting in front of the building, soaking up the last rays of sunshine that had found their way through the clouds, when Scully spotted a cute little redhead. She seemed a bit younger and a little shy though Scully might be mistaken. 

„Ma’am,“ she said with a smile when they approached and Scully was slightly amused by the way she had addressed Stella. 

„Oh, please don’t,“ Stella said with a smile. „You know, I no longer work here. Stella is just fine,“ she said and Dany nodded. 

„Right,“ she said and bit her lip, trying to figure out what to say.

„Dany, this is Dr. Dana Scully,“ she said, trying to break the awkward silence that had settled between them. „Dana, this is Danielle Ferrington. She saved my ass more than once during the case,“ she said and they both laughed, shaking hands. 

It was true, Stella thought. More than that she had known about Stella’s affairs and had been decent enough to keep it to herself. 

„It’s been a pleasure,“ she said a little more relaxed. „I’m just glad it’s over.“

„Tell me about it,“ Stella said. „Do you know what happened to Burns?“ Stella asked. She had been wondering about him ever since but she didn’t want to reach out to him. 

„You don’t know?“ Dany asked and gave herself a moment before she answered that question. If Stella wasn’t mistaken there was the slightest hint of a smile on her face. „He resigned shortly after you left.“

„Why am I not surprised?“ Stella mumbled more to herself. „That’s one way to get out of it.“

„Did you expect anything else?“ Dany said and shrugged; Stella couldn’t help but smile. „Reed is at the morgue, working on an autopsy. She’ll be at court tomorrow,“ Dany said and cast a glance at Scully, not having quite worked it out.

„Thank you, Dany,“ Stella said and she excused herself, leaving them both alone.

„I had nothing to do with him resigning,“ Stella said and shrugged. She turned towards Dana and laughed. 

„I didn’t say anything,“ Dana replied. „Dany is cute though. I think she has a crush on you,“ Scully mocked her. 

„Mhm, poor thing,“ Stella said. „She always had, I feel a little bit sorry for her.“

„She seems like a strong woman,“ Scully said. „She’ll get over it.“

„I hope so,“ Stella said and kissed her. 

They said goodbye and Scully headed off on foot, following the signs meant to keep tourists from getting lost. She followed those that would lead to her to the Titanic quarter, thinking that it might be worth having a look at. With every step she disappeared in the crowds, getting lost among strangers and it was wonderful.

***

Scully laid outstretched on the bed, listening to the faint sound of rain splattering against the window. She had made it back to the hotel just in time, quietly lulled in by the rhythmic sound of raindrops. She was tired after being out all day, feeling a little overwhelmed by all the impressions and too many people who had crossed her path.

She wasn’t sure whether Stella wanted to go out for dinner or head down to the busy hotel bar that was likely to be crowded now that the storm had moved in. She had stopped at a grocery store on the way back, purchasing bread, cheese, wine and chocolate along with a few other bits to nibble on and it reminded her of a night long ago, the first night she had slept with Stella. She smiled at the memory, a soft click pulling her back to the present when Stella walked in, kicking off her shoes on the way to the couch. 

„I need a drink,“ Stella said and moaned quietly without even looking at Dana. 

„I thought you might,“ Scully said wand walked to the little fridge to get the bottle of wine. 

She poured them each a glass, returning to Stella. Scully sat down close to her, their bodies lightly brushing against each others. Scully used her free hand to pull Stella’s feet into her lap, causing her to smile because she was slightly ticklish. Stella smiled, leaning over to kiss Dana before she brought the glass to her lips. 

„You’re a lifesaver,“ Stella said. 

„That bad?“

„Let’s not talk about work,“ she said. Stella turned towards Dana, leaning her head on her free hand. She looked at Dana, thinking that a sweet release would certainly lift her spirits. 

„I bought some food,“ Dana said. „Something you might like.“

„What is it?“ Stella asked, her face lighting up because she hadn’t had anything since lunch.

„Give me a minute,“ Scully said, put her wine glass on the coffee table and walked to the fridge to retrieve her purchases. When she returned she carried a small plate, that she had got from the restaurant in the lobby. It held cheese bread and grapes; in the other hand she held Stella’s favorite dark chocolate.

A smile broke out on Stella’s face and Scully wasn’t sure whether she was just famished or actually remembering something. 

„Why do I feel like there’s something I should remember,“ Stella said, taking the plate from Dana while she curled up by her side. 

„I don’t know,“ Scully said playfully. „Should you?“

„It feels like it’s been such a long time ago,“ Stella said after a moment of consideration, her voice nothing but a soft whisper. „That was the first night we spent together.“

„Yes,“ Scully said and took a piece of cheese, nibbling on it while they were both lost in thoughts, remembering a night months ago.

***

„You seem a little distracted,“ Stella said quietly, her hand absent-mindedly playing with Dana’s hair.

Scully took a deep breath. 

„I talked to Mulder today,“ she said without looking at Stella. They’d finished the food, talked a bit and slowly got ready for bed though no one was sleepy yet; they just enjoyed lying in bed together.

„Oh,“ Stella said. „Is everything okay?“

„Yes,“ Scully said, knowing that there was more to it but could she really tell Stella the truth? It was a bit weird to be feeling that way. 

„So, what’s bothering you?“ Stella wanted to know and propped herself up on her elbow. 

„I don’t know,“ Scully said, feeling frustrated with herself. „It’s just that… I realized that I miss him and our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be with him and I wouldn’t go back, I don’t want that but I just can’t help it.“

„I understand,“ Stella said quietly after a few seconds.

„You don’t think it’s weird?“

„No,“ she said, her thumb gently caressing the soft skin on her neck. „I was wondering how long it would take. You’ve been together for so long, I think it’s only normal to miss the other person.“

„I’m happy,“ Scully whispered. „You make me happy but sometimes I can’t help it. There’s this nagging feeling inside of me that won’t go away.“

„I don’t want to bother you with it,“ Scully said, thinking that this was hers to deal with and it still felt somewhat strange to be burdening Stella with such vanities. 

„You’re not,“ Stella said. „I’d like to know.“

„What exactly?“ Scully asked and turned her head to look at Stella. 

„I don’t know,“ Stella said, hoping she wouldn’t be the one who sounded weird this time. „About you and Mulder. I mean, not… all the details,“ she said and Scully laughed. „You may have realized that I don’t have a lot of friends and sometimes I feel like I don’t know how that stuff works but what I know is that you two seemed to have something very special that a lot of people would envy you for and I would like to know what it had been like for you.“

„I never had many friends either,“ Scully said, sounding a bit sad as if it was the first time she noticed that. „There was always work to do and we were traveling somewhere all the time so there was just Mulder and me and it seemed okay.“

She turned on her side, reaching for Stella’s hand while her head rested on the pillow. 

„Sometimes he would call me in the middle of the night and tell me to meet him at the airport to investigate a case,“ she said and smiled. „I hated him for it but I never said ‚no‘ either. I just didn’t have anything else. When I was assigned to Mulder I was supposed to watch him, debunk his work because the FBI wanted to get rid of him. They considered him an embarrassment,“ she explained, going back a long time ago. 

„I was so young when I first met him and it was exciting. We respected each other, nothing ever happened between us,“ she said when Stella smiled at her. 

„Nothing?“

„It took a while,“ Scully said and sighed. „Almost seven years, to be exact.“

„Oh God,“ Stella said and raised an eyebrow. „Talking about taking it slow.“

„He was my new year’s kiss on the millennium,“ Scully said. „After all this time I just couldn’t turn my back on what I had seen and experienced, it was just too much. I had lost too many things to just give in and walk away so I stayed,“ Scully said. 

„I had given up a career in medicine, thinking I could never go back because it was all I had,“ Scully explained. „It was everything I had, or so I thought.“

Stella put her hand on Dana’s hip, gently caressing the soft skin beneath her shirt.

„I knew I could always rely on him. I trusted him blindly and somehow he became the centre of my world, so much that I almost lost track of myself.“

Stella knew that things had gone wrong at some point and that something had broken them apart. 

„Things seemed to work out but maybe it wasn’t supposed to be,“ she said quietly. „It was a slow and painful process. At the beginning I didn’t give it much thought. You’re stressed and you argue a lot, thinking it will pass but we both reached a point where we couldn’t stand being in the same room with each other.“

„I was frustrated because we didn’t get anywhere and we were on the run. I was just tired after all these years. I had given up our son and we were hiding from the FBI, the same institution we had dedicated years of our life to.“

Stella bit her lip, a strong sense of guilt rushing through her at the mention of her son. 

„I was just so fed up with everything that I left Mulder. I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like I was suffocating and I tried to save myself somehow.“

„It couldn’t have been easy…“

„No, because he was everything I had. I didn’t even have friends which was one thing I painfully noticed after breaking up with him,“ she said, almost laughing at what she had just said. „I kept going back because I needed him. Strange isn’t it? Going back to someone you so desperately wanted to get away from.“

„No,“ Stella said. „I don’t think it’s strange at all.“

„It must sound weird but it wasn’t all bad,“ Scully said. „I’ve had my reasons for staying with him for so long… It’s just so hard to imagine that he’s gone now, pretending that he had never been part of my life.“

„It doesn’t have to be that way,“ Stella said. 

„He said he didn’t want to call me because he was afraid he might say something wrong and he knew that I was with you.“

„I won’t forbid you to talk to him,“ Stella said. „I’ve stayed away from things like that, got involved with people only briefly to avoid complications but it is what it is now, Dana and I don’t want anyone getting out of here, feeling like they’ve fucked up,“ Stella said, her hand gently brushing over the sensitive skin under her breast. 

„We’re all adults and I trust you,“ she said softly, remembering that time when Dana had slept with him after their break up. She felt a distant pain in her chest but she had made a decision back then and that was to move on and get over it. 

„He asked me out for coffee,“ Scully said and closed her eyes for a brief moment, the touch of Stella’s fingertips distracting her train of thoughts. „In a coffee shop, neutral grounds so we can talk like normal people,“ she said. 

„Sounds like the right thing to do,“ Stella said. 

„Are you really okay with this?“ she asked, inching a bit closer.

„Yes,“ Stella said. „I’m not asking you to stay away from someone who used to mean so much to you,“ she said, knowing that she was in a similar position with Irene. 

She couldn’t imagine never seeing her again just because she was with Dana. „I’ll just keep in mind that I get to do this,“ she said and leaned in, softly sucking her bottom lip while her fingers brushed over her sensitive nipples, hardening under the touch.

Scully sighed against her lips, smiling when she leaned in. She closed her eyes and put her head down on the pillow, waiting when Stella pulled away from her. 

„Keep your eyes closed,“ Stella said and Scully smiled, squirming a little. 

She heard something rustle and the mattress shifted a little when Stella hovered above her, leaning in for a kiss. Their lips touched softly but Scully noticed something else, something cold.  
She darted her tongue out, recognizing the taste of dark chocolate. Scully parted her lips, welcoming the sweet treat. Slowly they let it melt between their tongues and Stella smiled against her lips. 

„It’s chocolate,“ Scully whispered and laughed. She wrapped her arms around Stella and savored the taste and the worries she had had slowly vanished from her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	28. My Love Is Strengthened, Though More Weak In Seeming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/bq67og5ih/Stella_Scully_Bath.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/bq67og5ih/Stella_Scully_Bath.gif)   
> 

_My love is strengthened, though more weak in seeming;_  
_I love not less, though less the show appear._  
_That love is merchandised whose rich esteeming_  
_The owner’s tongue doth publish everywhere._  
_Our love was new, and then but in the spring,_  
_When I was wont to greet it with my lays,_  
_As Philomel in summer’s front doth sing,_  
_And stops his pipe in growth of riper days._  
_Not that the summer is less pleasant now_  
_Than when her mournful hymns did hush the night,_  
_But that wild music burthens every bough,_  
_And sweets grown common lose their dear delight._  
   _Therefore, like her, I sometime hold my tongue,_  
   _Because I would not dull you with my song._

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 102 „My love is strengthened, though more weak in seeming“]_

***

Scully was outstretched on the bed, arms and legs spread on the soft covers of the bed. She was lying in the middle of it, amused by the fact that not a single part of her body touched the edge. Either she was tinier than she had always thought or the bed was just ridiculously large.

She had had a nice breakfast with Stella in the hotel restaurant before they had said goodbye and Stella had ventured off into a rainy morning while Scully had remained behind. It was pouring and slightly chilly and she really couldn’t be bothered to leave the hotel, not knowing what she was supposed to do all day. She had felt unusually tired this morning, a treacherous feeling that she had attempted to shake off months ago but every now and then it returned out of nowhere. A part of her knew that it would fade sooner or later but for now she had dragged herself back to the empty hotel room, had put the „Do not Disturb“-sign on the door handle and laid down on the bed. She had always imagined that feeling to look like a scary, dark thing; a terrifying shadow.

Scully was lying on her side, hugging the pillow while she looked out of the window; she watched the raindrops on the glass, staring at nothing in particular. She turned her head a little without lifting her head off the pillow, looking at the creature that she knew wasn’t really there. She had made it up one night, trying to convince herself that it would be easier one day. Accepting it, whatever it may be, seemed to make it less terrifying and maybe it had worked for a long, long time but sometimes it returned. Whenever she was too weak or allowed herself to slip back to old habits and dark thoughts it sniffed its chance and forced its way back into her conscience. 

It was a dark and terrifying creature that had hovered above her during many sleepless nights, nurturing fear and loneliness while Mulder had slept right beside her. It had made all of it disappear, shadowing the world around her so she couldn’t see. Scully hugged the pillow with a sigh, trying to figure out what to do. She felt exhausted but she couldn’t explain it, she felt empty although she had everything she needed at this moment. Sometimes, whenever she allowed herself to think too much it comes back and there it was, smiling at her from the other side of the bed and she couldn’t make it go away. She was still too weak to shush it away just yet. 

She thought of memories long gone, of mornings spent in the company of a nameless creature that lingered beside her when she had opened her eyes and hovered above her when she tried to sleep through the agony she had felt. It had dragged her back to bed far too many times when she hadn’t been strong enough to fight it and it had handed her too many glasses of wine when she shouldn’t have drunk at all. She had allowed it to live with her for far too long until she had greeted it as a friend one day, accepting its silent existence by her side. She could always feel it, lingering in the shadows and in the beginning it had sat by her side, dried her tears in the darkness with an encouraging grin on its emotionless face but as the years had gone by and she had slowly settled into her new life in England, it had slowly faded into the background. It wasn’t until she had met Stella that she had found the strength to keep it at bay, knowing it would never be gone completely. 

She wasn’t crying now, she knew she wouldn’t. She just felt empty and scared, not knowing what the future had in store for them but who could tell? She knew that her anxiety was somehow irrational but she couldn’t ignore it, not when it seemed to drain her of all her strength and left her empty inside. She knew it would fade, not knowing how long it would take but she wanted to get herself together before Stella returned, she didn’t want her to come back after a long day at work and find her in such a state of mind. 

Scully sighed once more and closed her eyes while she listened to the soothing sound of the rain, coming from somewhere far away. She tried to ignore the voice that was coming from the other side of the bed, the small voice that told her that a part of her was missing when she knew that, everything she needed, everyone for that matter, would come back from work in the evening and that everything would be okay. 

She refused to listen to the whispering from the dark corners of her mind, reminding her that life was fleeting and that bad things always happened when you least expect them. Scully felt happy for the very first time in a while but what if it didn’t last? What if something happens and Stella wouldn’t return to her for whatever cruel reason, what if fate decided to take Stella away from her? She felt the physical pain inside of her, ignoring these voices with every last bit of strength she had left. She didn’t want to be naive but she couldn’t succumb to it either with everything that life had thrown her way in the past. She turned her head one last time, looking at the creature that was waiting within reach. It had a smug grin on its face, feeling mighty proud of itself for having done such a marvelous job but she refused to give in. 

She reached out, absent-mindedly patting the empty side of the bed just once, inviting it to sleep beside her instead of fighting it. She would let it in if she had to, let it sit at the breakfast table after dragging herself out of bed but she would not let it take over. She turned around and closed her eyes, knowing that sleep would be the only way to make things better. Nothing would harm her in her sleep and she needed every bit of strength to pull herself together. She drifted off to sleep after a couple of minutes, shutting out the world.

***

Scully opened her eyes, blinking a few times. It was still raining and the sky looked just as gloomy as it had before. She didn’t know whether she had been asleep for five minutes or five hours, not feeling particularly rested at all. She took a deep breath and turned around. She knew that the other side of the bed was empty but when she looked again she saw that the dark creature was still by her side, a little quieter though.

Suddenly a smile crossed her face, thinking that things weren’t quite so bad at all. She shook her head, ignoring her shadow and sat down on the edge of the bed. She could no longer listen to the voice inside her head that hated her for spending most of the day in bed, for feeling guilty because she hadn’t done anything useful or left the room to get some fresh air, for being unreasonable for skipping lunch. 

It was almost four in the afternoon and she had done absolutely nothing, that’s what it sounded like but she reminded herself that she had pulled herself back together and regained strength after everything that had happened within the last couple of months. Maybe a little setback was okay every once in a while as long as she got back on her feet. She pushed herself off the bed and went to the bathroom to take a long hot shower. 

There was a bathtub too and Scully thought that she wanted to do something nice for Stella when she came back from work tonight. She hardly ever took the time to do such things at home and Scully knew that they both needed to learn to take things a little slower and maybe that was a good start. She smiled to herself when she stepped into the shower, trying to wash away the negative thoughts. She still felt it clinging to her though she felt a little more relaxed and fresher. Once she was done she quietly got dressed, taking her time because everything seemed to move a little slower today. She didn’t put makeup on because she felt like she didn’t have any strength left for that. 

She slipped a raincoat on just in case and grabbed her bag, ready to leave the room about an hour later. A part of her still seemed tired, every move feeling somewhat exhausting but she pushed right through it because she had something on her mind. She knew she had to leave the room and get some fresh air now that the rain had ceased a little; she had the to leave the darkness be and abandon it in the room while she stepped outside. A few minutes later she stepped onto the pavement in front of the hotel and a smile crossed her face. 

It smelled of rain and summer; of warmth and comfort. It had always been one of her favorite smells, reminding her of her own childhood and so many other moments in her life. There was something about a quiet before the storm but there was just something even more comforting about the quiet after the storm when the world was still and only slowly came back to its senses after hiding from the rain. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling a little lighter than she had before. It almost felt like something had been lifted off her shoulders, a thick fog that had surrounded her slowly cleared. 

_Petrichor,_ she thought while she started walking; that was the name of the smell that surrounded her. 

She had texted Stella while she had waited for the elevator to figure out at what time she’d be returning in the evening so she could plan ahead. With every step she took she created a lovely scenario in her mind, something that made her feel comfortable and safe and she wanted to do that for Stella. She briefly thought of surprising her with something, something to play a little and while she was certain that Stella wasn’t new to it she still fell a bit nervous.

They had never really talked about it though Scully wasn’t sure why but maybe it was time to do something about it, given that she didn’t chicken out on the finish line. Scully took her sweet time, strolling through the streets until she found what she was looking for. Her heart was beating nervously when she found the right store and decided not to back down now. She still felt a little uneasy, a shadow clinging to her but she kept walking anyway, attempting to keep herself busy.

***

It was quiet when she entered the hotel room almost two hours later, the bed looking just as inviting as it had this morning but she couldn’t give in again, she didn’t want to. She dropped her purchases on the couch and got rid of the raincoat, feeling a little sweaty although temperatures had dropped down a bit and it had started raining again by the time she reached the hotel lobby.

She had had a small late lunch although she hadn’t felt hungry but she knew that she needed to have something, she couldn’t go all day without eating properly. Breakfast felt like it happened ages ago and it was just her weird mood keeping her from eating properly. She was annoyed by it, wanted to change it but something inside of her was fighting her. Scully liked the bathroom, the light was soft and soothing; she put away the few things they had brought and replaced them with the candles she bought, arranging them neatly. She held a pink and light purple bath bomb in her hands, bringing it up to her nose to smell. It was a flowery smell, something she had always enjoyed. Scully found herself laughing at the name of the bath bomb she had picked and had to admit that it was somewhat intended. 

_Sex bomb,_ she thought and rolled her eyes with a smile. 

It smelled lush, she had used it before. Stella had laughed at her the first time Scully had used one of these but she had enjoyed it back in Cornwall. What she held in her hands now would color the water in a soft pink, smelling of jasmine, ylang ylang and clary sage and the little floating rose petals, still hidden inside the ball, were a pretty bonus. She was certain that jasmine was considered to be an ancient aphrodisiac that has been used as a sensual perfume for centuries; it is also used to ease stress and anxiety, something she could use as well. 

She left it by the sink and made sure they had enough fresh towels and left to inspect the rest of her purchases.

***

Scully was back on the bed in the exact same position she had started this day. She was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. Her mind was empty and at the same time she heard a thousand voices yelling at her and she couldn’t shut them out. The whole time she was listening for the sound of the door, waiting for Stella to walk through and put her out of her misery.  
The last couple of minutes she had allowed herself to slip back into the same place that had held her hostage only a couple of hours ago and it just felt so much easier to let these terrible thoughts drown her instead of keeping her head above the water.

A part of her felt incredibly lonely, the same way she had years ago and although she knew it wasn’t true she just couldn’t stop it, weakly believing the lies that a small voice inside her head whispered. The more she tried to ignore it all the louder these voices became and for a second she seemed to lose her grip on the present, believing that something might happen. 

What if all of this has been a mistake? What if things wouldn’t last and she would end up all alone and heartbroken in the end? 

Scully felt frustrated with herself, angry because she had wasted an entire day letting her mind trick her into something horrible, something she can’t seem to escape. She had wondered where it had come from because everything had been okay when she had been having breakfast with the woman she loved. So much has changed in the last couple of months that it sometimes overwhelmed her when she had enough time to think about it and let it happen. 

Before she had a chance to get lost she heard the distant sound of an incoming message. She looked up, feeling grateful for the disturbance all of a sudden. Slowly she got up and took her phone out of her bag, smiling at the message Stella had sent. She would be up in about five minutes and Scully left her doubts behind while she walked into the bathroom to run a bath for Stella to be ready when she arrived. 

What if Stella didn’t want to do that? She thought and remembered the other surprise that she had planned and suddenly it felt stupid and she wasn’t so sure any longer. Quietly she lit the candles, sitting on the edge of the bathtub for a moment to let the soft glow of the flickering flames calm her.

„Dana?“ she heard Stella’s voice and a moment later the door was shut; Scully entered the main room, a wave of relief washing over her. She smiled at Stella and noticed that she looked exhausted and tense. 

„Hey,“ Scully said softly and walked over to where Stella was standing; she put her bag on the table and took off her coat. Scully closed the distance between them and, much to Stella’s surprise, she didn’t kiss her but laid both arms around Stella and put her own head on Stella’s shoulder. 

She was quiet and Stella was stunned for an instant, not having expected this. Stella almost hesitated before she wrapped her arms around Dana and closed her eyes. She wasn’t quite sure what had happened but she allowed herself to melt into the embrace, slowly inhaling Dana’s scent, trying to forget about the horrible day she had had.  
She let a few moments pass before Stella raised her head and put her hand under Dana’s chin, motioning for her to do the same; she noticed that she looked tired, sad somehow but she didn’t say anything. 

Stella kissed her once and Dana responded to the physical contact a little more urgent than she had intended to, a sudden wave of affection rushing through her. She felt needy, aching to be close to Stella but she stopped herself because she wanted to give her a chance to catch her breath after a long and dreadful day. 

„Is everything okay?“ Stella asked and stepped out of her shoes. 

„Yes,“ Scully said and smiled. 

Stella didn’t quite believe it but she didn’t want to push it just yet.

„I have a surprise for you,“ she said and Stella bit her lip, trusting Dana enough to rely on it not being something unpleasant.

She allowed Dana to take her hand and guide her to the bathroom. It was much warmer in here and the water was warm and inviting though it didn’t smell of jasmine yet, she wanted to wait until Stella was surrounded by the warmth. 

Stella turned around, looking grateful. 

„I thought you could use something nice after a long, rainy day,“ Scully said. 

„That’s perfect,“ Stella said, feeling utterly touched. 

She wondered whether she’d ever get used to such a kind of affection and people doing nice things for her. 

„Can you give me a hand?“ Stella asked and looked over her shoulder. 

Scully stepped closer; she put one hand on her shoulder, the other slowly opening the zipper of Stella’s dress. Scully was stunned, realizing that she didn’t wear a bra. Her fingertips brushed against the bare skin of her back and she leaned in a little, her lips caressing the bare skin of her shoulder and Stella’s breath hitched a little at the contact.  
She let the dress slide off her shoulders and down her arms until it pooled by her feet and she stepped out of it. 

„Thank you,“ she whispered. 

„I’ll be back in a moment,“ Scully said and Stella removed her earrings.

Slowly she slipped into the warm water when Scully returned with two glasses of wine, placing both on the edge of the bathtub. 

„Did you eat already?“ she asked and Stella nodded. „I have something else for you.“

Scully reached for the pink bath bomb, feeling a little excited. She handed it to Stella and she held it up to her nose, smiling. The moment she let it glide into the warm water the sound of soft whizzing filled the room and not long after the smell of jasmine and ylang ylang surrounded them. 

„That’s wonderful,“ Stella said and leaned back with a smile. „Thank you.“

Scully handed her the glass of wine. 

„I figured you could use some quiet time, I’m gonna leave you to it.“

„It’s okay,“ Stella said. „Stay with me.“ 

Scully put the lid down and sat down on the toilet, propping her feet up when she leaned back. 

„How was it?“ Scully asked and sipped her wine. 

„Awful,“ Stella answered and it was everything she had to say, she really didn’t want to talk about it. „Let’s leave it at that.“

For the next couple of minutes no one spoke and they both seemed utterly content with the silence, engulfed by a soothing smell and a comforting warmth that made Scully feel relaxed for the first time since she had opened her eyes in the morning. She watched Stella playing with the floating rose petals; she had her hair put up in a bun and her cheeks were flushed. She looked adorable and Scully’s fingertips were tingling, aching with the need to touch Stella and run her fingers over her soft skin. She was dying to feel her close, to reassure herself that everything would be okay and that not every day felt as horrible as this one had. 

She loved Stella and she had to let her know; she remembered the way Stella’s skin felt after a long hot bath. Everything was much softer and warm, so comforting and lush. Scully’s eyes wandered over her glistening skin, deliciously shimmering in the candlelight.  
She wondered what her skin tasted like when she ran her tongue over her warm skin; the swell of her breasts and the darkened nipples. There was a faint throb between her legs a reminder of how badly she wanted Stella. 

She leaned back and sighed, pretending that she didn’t see Dana watching her like that. She knew that look and it always made her feel excited but there was something else that she failed to ignore, something she had noticed the moment she walked in. 

She didn’t know what Dana had been up to all day but she had a feeling that it wasn’t pleasant and a part of her wished that she could have been with her. At the same time she knew that she couldn’t always protect her from certain things and, given everything that had been thrown her way throughout the course of her life, she couldn’t blame her for being thrown off every now and then. She was a strong woman but it was okay to be fed up with everything from time to time.  
Stella knew that overthinking sometimes got the better of Dana; she had been there herself. Every time she thought that things seemed to be going too well and that this couldn’t truly be happening she heard a voice inside of her that warned her, trying to convince her that it just couldn’t be right but so far she had done a great job of silencing it. 

She saw that Dana was distracted by something, thoughts that were slowly eating her from the inside. She appeared lost, sitting there with a glass of wine in her hand. She was so close but seemed so far away at the same time. She didn’t say much but Stella was okay with that, it would pass and she thought she knew exactly what Dana needed; something that had eased her aches many times in the past. 

„You know,“ Stella said softly. „This is perfect but it would be even better if you were in here with me.“

Scully smiled and hugged her knees. 

„I think I’m fine right here,“ Scully said and bit her lip. 

They finished their wine and Scully left the bathroom when the water was getting cold and Stella was ready to get out. She wrapped a towel around her body and removed her makeup while Dana felt just as lost as ever, wondering what to do. She still felt frustrated, not knowing what it was that she actually needed or wanted. 

„You seem a bit tense,“ Stella said and put her hands on Dana’s hips, kissing her neck. She knew that it was something else but maybe it wasn’t the right time now. „Maybe we can do something about that.“

She turned her around in her arms, slowly stripping her off her clothes until they were both naked; the towel that had covered Stella’s body was on the floor by their feet. Scully wrapped her arms around Stella, pulling her as close as possible. She felt warm and soft just like she had imagined her to, the gentle flowery smell still lingering on her skin. They were engaged in a slow sensual kiss, slowly melting away Scully’s doubts. She didn’t think about the small pink vibrator that she had bought earlier today when she had briefly been excited, thinking that it would be a fun thing to do. 

All she needed, now that her breasts were pressed against Stella’s, was this moment. Stella pushed her back onto the bed, crawling on top of it. She kneeled in front of Dana, a little lower so she could roam her hands all over her body. Slowly she caressed her arms, her fingertips brushing over the swell of her breasts, teasing both nipples until they hardened at the touch of her hands and Scully sighed softly, tilting her head back. 

Stella kissed the soft underside of her breasts while she fondled them both with her hands. She was gentle and slow, taking her sweet time to let Dana know that everything would be okay and that she still loved her dearly. Stella pushed herself up a little, taking one dark nipple inside her mouth. Scully sighed softly, both hands tangled in her hair, keeping her in place. She loved what Stella was doing with her mouth, her free hand gently fondling her other breast. 

Scully arched into the touch, meeting Stella’s gaze when she looked up and it was everything she needed at that time; she hadn’t even touched her where she wanted it most and she was dripping wet. Stella smelled her arousal but had no intention on ending their little get together anytime soon, directing her attention to the other breast; her tongue circled the dark areola, drawing sweet sounds from Dana’s lips. Stella abandoned her breasts, slowly making her descend while she left feather-light kisses in her wake.  
She nipped at the soft skin of her hips, a smile crossing her face when her hands dug into her backside and Dana’s grip tightened on her hair, encouraging her. She kissed the apex of her thigh, a soft whimper reaching her ears. Scully felt goosebumps line her skin; Stella resisted the urge to go a bit lower and taste her with the tip of her tongue. She pushed herself up again, capturing Dana’s lips in a hungry kiss. Scully never let go of her, cupping her face with both hands when she pulled her in for a hungry kiss until the desperate need for oxygen forced them apart again. Her breath was hot against Stella’s lips when she ran the tip of her tongue over Stella’s bottom lip. Without saying another word Stella moved behind her, slightly changing the angle. She was still on her knees, moving around a little without letting go off Dana so that her feet won’t get numb.  
She pulled Dana against her own body, cupping her breasts from behind. She pinched both nipples and sucked the soft skin behind her ear, making Scully cry out loud. She put her own hands on Stella’s, kneading her breasts while she arched into the touch. She put her head back with her eyes closed, surrendering to whatever Stella had in mind for them. 

„Please,“ Scully whispered, slowly guiding their hands across her stomach to where she needed them. 

Stella sucked the soft skin, maybe a little too hard because Scully cried out and she knew it would leave marks. Stella pulled them back against the cushions, nestling Dana between her legs. She felt a wave of pleasure rushing through her body, her clit throbbing when Dana’s backside rubbed against her swollen clit. Stella spread her legs, draping Dana’s over her thighs. 

Scully let herself fall back, Stella’s breasts pressed against her back. She turned her head a little, french kissing slowly while Stella ran her fingernails over the sensitive and moist skin of her inner thighs; Scully squirmed in her arms. Scully broke the kiss, putting her head on Stella’s shoulder. She had a concentrated look on her face, something between pain and pleasure, desperately craving release.  
Stella moved her fingers up and down, inching closer to Scully’s wet center each time. Her fingertips caressed the apex of her thighs, brushing over the wet and swollen flesh and Dana moaned softly. Stella gathered the juices before she ran her fingers through her swollen folds from top to bottom, never breaking the kiss they shared. Scully’s hands gripped the flesh of her own thighs, trying to find something to hold on to.

Scully’s breaths came out huffed and shallow, soft moans leaving her lips in between. She swallowed hard when Stella pushed two fingers inside, gently exploring her tight walls first. She swirled them around, reveling in the warm velvet feeling that was surrounding her. Stella pumped her fingers in and out, coating them with Dana’s unmasked arousal, encouraged by the frequent moans coming from the woman in her arms.  
She ignored the slightly awkward angle of her wrist, pressing her palm against Dana’s throbbing clit while she fingered her. 

She hooked her fingers, pushing in a little deeper to brush the spongy spot inside of her; judging by the sounds coming from Dana she had hit just the right spot. Stella’s free hand moved to Scully’s clit, rubbing in slow circles while she continued finger her with the other. Scully squeezed her eyes shut and bit her bottom lip.  
She felt waves of pleasure emanating from her wet center where Stella’s nimble fingers teased her mercilessly until it pushed her over the edge. 

„Oh God,“ Scully cried out, a long strangled moaned escaping her lips before her body stilled in Stella’s arms and the orgasm washed over her. 

Stella gave her a few seconds to gather her wits before she withdrew her fingers and Scully turned her head to meet Stella’s lips with an open-mouthed kiss. 

„Jeez,“ Scully whispered between kisses and Stella smiled. 

It didn’t take long for Scully to make up her mind, turning in Stella’s arms. She didn’t give her a lot of time, kissing her long and deep while she cupped her face and tilted her head back a little.  
She felt the low vibrations of Stella’s appreciating hum while they french kissed, their tongues entwined. Scully looked at her, a wave of deep compassion washing over her while she watched Stella beneath her. She settled between her legs, pressing her own clit against Stella’s wet and swollen center; she arched her back with a long moan, trying to increase the friction against her sensitive parts. 

Scully thrust her hips forward, creating a delicious friction while she met Stella’s clit at just the right angle. Scully looked down to where they were joined, quietly regretting that she had hesitated about her newly-purchased vibrator earlier. She felt a wave of excitement rush through her when she imagined what good it could do to Stella now that she was entirely at her mercy but she would safe that for another day.  
She brought her own fingers to Stella’s clit, rubbing the sensitive bundle of nerves in slow circles until Stella squirmed beneath her. Scully leaned forward, taking one of Stella’s nipples in her mouth while she continued to move her hips and tease her relentlessly. 

It didn’t take long for Stella to tumble over the edge, hissing through gritted teeth until her lips parted on a silent moan and Scully collapsed on top of her, her head resting on Stella’s shoulder. For a couple of minutes it was quiet while they both caught their breaths, enjoying the presence of the other person. 

Scully took a deep breath and closed her eyes, feeling a little more at ease and like herself again. She felt Stella’s hand drawing slow circles on her lower back, the other brushing a few strands of hair from Dana’s face. She propped herself up on her elbow and leaned forward for a kiss.

„Hey,“ Stella whispered and looked into her eyes, smiling softly. 

She put her hand on Dana’s cheek, her thumb caressing the warm skin. 

„There you are,“ Stella said. 

„I’ve been here the entire time,“ Scully said but maybe she knew what Stella meant. 

„Something was on your mind,“ Stella said. „I could see it.“

Scully thought about that for a moment and laid down beside her; she hadn’t intended for her to notice that something was wrong. 

„It’s nothing,“ she said and turned towards Stella, playing with a corner of the blanket; she suddenly felt embarrassed. 

„It doesn’t look like it to me,“ Stella said though she didn’t want to push her into talking about it if it made her uncomfortable. 

„I… I just don’t know,“ Scully said and sat up, reaching for a blanket to cover herself; she was frustrated all of a sudden. „I don’t know what the fucking problem is!“

Her anger wasn’t directed at Stella but at herself; she hadn’t meant to snap at her but she couldn’t take it back either. 

„Everything was fine this morning,“ Scully said, sounding sad all of a sudden. „And then it wasn’t.“

Stella sat behind her, putting both hands on Dana’s shoulders. 

„I don’t even know how to explain it.“

„It’s okay,“ Stella said calmly. „What did you do today?“

„Nothing,“ Scully said, slightly deflated. „I went back to this room after breakfast and then I just did… nothing.“

„That’s not true,“ Stella said. „You did something wonderful for me, it was the best thing that happened to me all day.“

A tired smile crossed Scully’s lips and she leaned back against Stella. 

„I was sad,“ she explained and shrugged. „I don’t know why… it was just all at once and it felt so overwhelming that it numbed me.“

Stella felt guilty all of a sudden. Dana hadn’t texted her but she would’t have been able to answer her phone. 

„I went outside after a while, got some fresh air when the rain stopped.“

„I’m glad you did,“ Stella said and wrapped her arms around Dana. „I wish I could have been with you.“

„It wasn’t quite so bad after a while but I can still feel it clinging to me, something I just can’t shake off.“

„I’m sorry you feel that way,“ Stella said. 

„It’s okay,“ Scully said and took a deep breath. „I’m sure it’ll be fine.“

„Just take your time,“ Stella said. „You don’t have to feel bad about anything. Promise you tell me the truth. Remember what you said to me in Cornwall?“  
Scully nodded. 

„Promise me you will do the same,“ Stella said. „I don’t want you to think you are alone even if you feel that way from time to time. I know how that feels, I’ve been there.“

Scully turned around and nodded. 

„Come with me tomorrow,“ Stella said. „It shouldn’t take long, we can go out for lunch after that and I think I’d feel a lot better knowing that you are with me, that I’m not alone in that damn courtroom.“

„I will,“ Scully said. 

The feeling of not being in this room all by herself suddenly seemed very comforting. 

„Thank you,“ Stella said, her warm breath tickling the sensitive skin of her neck. She closed her eyes, inhaling the familiar scent. 

„It’s going to be fine,“ Scully whispered, reassuring Stella and herself. 

„I know it will,“ Stella said pushed herself off the bed. „Come on, let’s get ready for bed. It’s gonna be a long day tomorrow.“

„Yes, Ma’am,“ Scully said and laughed when she took Stella’s outstretched hand, following her to put her pj’s on and brush her teeth, feeling just a little bit lighter than she had just a couple of hours ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	29. There Whispers Still The Ceaseless Love Of Thee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/sushi-date.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/sushi-date.gif)   
> 

_And in Life's noisiest hour,_  
_There whispers still the ceaseless Love of Thee,_  
_The heart's Self-solace and soliloquy._

_You mould my Hopes, you fashion me within;_  
_And to the leading Love-throb in the Heart_  
_Thro' all my Being, thro' my pulse's beat;_  
_You lie in all my many Thoughts, like Light,_  
_Like the fair light of Dawn, or summer Eve_  
_On rippling Stream, or cloud-reflecting Lake._

_And looking to the Heaven, that bends above you,_  
_How oft! I bless the Lot that made me love you._

_[„The Presence of Love“ by Samuel Taylor Coleridge]_

***

When Scully opened her eyes in the morning she felt a little lighter than she had before. She wasn’t over it entirely yet, she still felt the shadow lingering close by but she refused to acknowledge its existence. She was reveling in the quiet of the morning, the warmth of the sheets that surrounded her and the sound of calm and deep breathing from the sleeping woman beside her. Scully turned on her side, watching her for a few moments.

She had promised Stella to accompany her to court today and she was looking forward to spending the day outside of the confines of this hotel room; attending a trial without being the one in the dock. She would watch quietly, counting down the hours until she would have Stella all to herself. It was then that she remembered her purchase. Although it still made her nervous she was dying to use it and most of all use it with Stella.  
She pushed the blanket aside, carefully leaving the bed. She didn’t want to wake Stella so she grabbed her bag and took it to the bathroom to unwrap the little pink vibrator, looking around for a safe space to charge it. She tiptoed back into the room and found a plug by the minibar, knowing that Stella probably wouldn’t need anything from there so early in the morning. She put the vibrator in her bag, leaving it on the floor to shield it from view and went back to bed. 

Stella stirred a little beside her and Scully leaned over, gently kissing the freckles on Stella’s face until the corners of her lips curled up into a smile. She hummed softly without opening her eyes and Dana hovered above her, a sudden wave of affection rushing through her. Somehow she thought she would never get enough of Stella; of feeling and kissing her, of making love in the early morning hours when the world was still okay. Everything was still quiet and peaceful and Scully loved to remain in that place where nothing could hurt them or come between them. 

She brushed a few strands of hair from Stella’s face, her hand resting on her cheek while she closed the distance between them and kissed the corners of her mouth before she touched Stella’s lips with her own. It was a gentle touch, a soft reassurance that calmed her raging nerves and troubling thoughts. It was something that had become so familiar over the last couple of months that it felt like coming home; something warm and comforting after a long and cold day. 

Stella opened her eyes, locking with Dana’s and she could see the smile playing around them, the beautiful wrinkles that had been edged into her skin over the years. She sighed against Dana’s lips, sensing that there was something different about her; something had been lifted off her shoulders and most of her worries has faded during the last couple of hours while she had been asleep. 

„Good morning,“ Stella whispered against her lips. 

„Morning,“ Scully said with a smile and leaned in for another kiss. 

Stella parted her lips with a soft hum, inviting Dana for something more. 

„We’re gonna be late,“ Stella said between kisses. 

On any other day she would have given in, indulged in the sweet moment but today was the final day of the trials and she couldn’t possibly miss that. The faster they got it over with the faster they would be by themselves and ready to go home and leave Belfast behind. 

„How about a shower instead?“ Stella asked and wrapped her arms around Dana. „I don’t mind continuing this tonight but I can’t be late today.“

Scully sighed dramatically and sat back, pulling Stella with her. She cast a quick glance to where her bag was on the floor, biting her lip when she thought about it.

***

„Are you nervous?“ Scully asked and sipped her cappuccino a little while later; the restaurant wasn’t quite as busy as she had expected and they were right on schedule which allowed them to enjoy their breakfast without being in a rush.

„No,“ Stella said and shook her head. „I thought I would be but the truth is that I am ready to move on.“

„I understand,“ Scully said and put her cup down. 

„It’s just been so long and they’ve been warming it up again and again and I’m just… tired of it,“ she said with a smile. „I know we screwed up but it’s time to move on.“

„It feels like it’s been forever,“ Scully said and nibbled on a piece of melon. 

„Tell me about it,“ Stella said and they decided not to talk about work for the rest of the morning and enjoyed the time they had together, it was supposed to be a short vacation, at least for Scully.

***

Scully sat in the court room, barely listening to what was happening around her. Given her previous line of work she had expected to be intrigued and attentive but it had turned out to be the exact opposite. She thought that she had heard it all before and that nothing had changed, how was it supposed to anyway now that the main culprit was dead?

While she looked around her eyes fell upon a woman who she considered a little younger than herself and by the looks it of this could only be the pathologist that Stella had mentioned. 

To her surprise Scully found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the woman she had never met in person; she had to acknowledge that she was pretty but what had she expected?

She didn’t know.

She looked at Stella and back to the other woman whose name she had forgotten already. For some reason she had expected to be jealous without knowing why. She had absolutely nothing to be jealous of and most certainly nothing to fear. Her slightly jealous streak had only rooted within her when she had felt insecure, when she had feared that the other one might be better than her in one way or the other.  
She knew that it was ridiculous, they even shared the same profession and Scully knew little to nothing about the stranger so she decided to suck it up, like she had done before, and move one. 

Jealousy was an ugly companion and she didn’t want it by her side. God knows she had enough to deal with, she didn’t need to add more. Jealousy always played dirty somehow, a beloved companion of chaos when it was needed the least. She knew that it could ruin something she loved if she let it but she had nothing to fear. It could turn friends into enemies and potential connections with like-minded people into something toxic. 

It seemed childish and certainly not fair on the other woman and when the pathologist, her name was Reed she remembered it now, turned her head and looked at her she felt caught for an instant but she didn’t look away. She smiled politely, a brief acknowledgment that was rewarded with a smile before she returned her attention to the judge.

***

They left the courthouse a little after noon, lazily strolling through the streets. It wasn’t far off from their hotel but no one wanted to go back there just yet. It was a lovely day and Stella felt more relaxed than she had before, a smile on her face.

The whole case had cost them a lot of money, they had agreed on compensations for the families, a small price for what they had to go through but it was the best they could have done in the end. 

Quietly they walked past the Titanic Memorial Garden and an art gallery, finding a lovely sushi place for lunch. Stella watched the woman in front of her while she held a piece of maki sushi with her chopsticks, dipping it in soy sauce before she popped it in her mouth.  
Stella sipped her wine, never taking her eyes of Dana; she was slowly learning that love was a gift, something that couldn’t be taken for granted because it seemed so rare and hard to find. It didn’t matter how much money she had because there were things in this world that no money could buy. 

Stella knew that love could be challenging; love was painful and imperfect but she was learning. It was overwhelming, unpredictable and confusing but in moments like these she thought that it didn’t matter because she was happy and it wasn’t something that had come naturally to her in the past.  
There was still a little shadow lingering above her, something that reminded her of William without knowing what to expect and how Dana would react. She watched her without saying a word while she tried to pick up a piece of nigiri sushi with tuna on top; Stella smiled, thinking that it was such an adorable moment to watch.  
She busied herself with her own food, trying to forget about everything that might await them at home. She didn’t want the what ifs to taint the wonderful moment and deal with everything when it was about time. Stella looked up and smiled, her eyes locking with Dana’s. 

She smiled back at her, thinking that she would marry her one day. 

„What is it?“ Dana asked and leaned back in her chair. 

„I’m just… happy to be here,“ Stella said. 

Maybe not being here as in being in Belfast but having lunch with Dana at this very moment and it could be anywhere, she would feel the same. She had often thought about the kind of person she used to be about a year ago and how different everything suddenly seemed to be. She hand’t changed for love, maybe she had been changed because of that love and because she had finally been strong enough to let it happen. 

„Me too,“ Scully said and reached across the table, linking her pinky with Stella’s. 

It felt almost ridiculous to remember how miserable she had been just a couple of hours ago. It felt like a distant memory that didn’t belong to her but a different person. She knew she had everything she needed to be happy, feeling utterly content. She loved Stella and it didn’t matter where she came from and how many times she had screwed up in the past. Love made her see the best in the other person, it gave her a second chance and forgave her after terrible arguments; it was everything they needed. 

„You want some?“ Scully asked and held a California roll with her chopsticks. 

Much to Scully’s amusement she leaned over and took the piece of sushi with her teeth, laughing quietly while she did so. 

„We’ve been invited for tonight,“ Stella said once she finished the piece of sushi. 

„What for?“

„They’re all meeting up at a bar just to celebrate that this damn case is finally over,“ Stella said and reached for her glass of water. 

„You don’t sound very excited.“

„I’m not sure,“ Stella said with a sigh. „It still feels a bit strange somehow.“

„Maybe you’re just overthinking it a little?“ Scully asked. „You really think they would have invited you if they didn’t like you? At least a little?“

„Maybe they’re just trying to be polite.“

„You’re going home tomorrow, for all I know you might never see them again. They couldn’t care less… but they did.“

Stella pursed her lips, not sure what to make of it. Her resistance slowly faded. 

„I think it would be rude not to go,“ Scully said. „We don’t have to stay long.“

„Right.“

„Let’s go, see how it’s going and if you don’t like it we’ll leave.“

„Deal,“ Stella said. „You want dessert?“

„Later, maybe.“

They finished their drinks and walked back to where they had come from a little while ago, strolling towards the riverside to enjoy the mild weather as long as it lasted.

***

„You think this will do?“ Stella asked, emerging from the bathroom. She wore a simple navy blue dress with matching high heels.

„I thought you decided not to give a damn?“ Scully asked with a smile. 

She had been ready a while ago, using the few minutes of Stella’s absence to hide the charged vibrator in the bedside drawer. Maybe they would actually get to use this later in case she didn’t chicken out again. Either way she had to make sure to put this into her suitcase, whether they used it or not. It was just a little bit too expensive to leave it behind and she was curious. 

„Oh shut up,“ Stella said and Scully laughed. 

„You look wonderful,“ Scully said and reached for her purse. „Ready?“

About twenty minutes later they stepped into the bar that was busy with the usual mid-week crowds but not quite as busy as the weekend. The driver had dropped them off and Stella thought that she had never been to this place although it wasn’t far off from the police station.  
They were welcomed with warm smiles and took their seats at the table and Stella thought that, at least the first moments, hadn’t been quite as awkward as she had expected them to be. Maybe it was because she wasn’t their boss any longer or because there wasn’t a creepy serial killer wreaking havoc on their lives. It felt a little more relaxed and somehow it seemed a little easier to see the actual person and not just strangers, colleagues and employes. 

It wasn’t just Stella who had to change her way of thinking, maybe everyone else had to start seeing Stella as one of their own; she was just a normal person after all. She introduced Dana to those who hadn’t met her already and even Reed looked slightly cheery; maybe she had gotten over her awkward last encounter with Stella and they would be able to forget about that. Stella wasn’t ashamed of anything nor did she regret the decision she had made back then she just didn’t want Reed to make more of it than it actually was and lead her on. 

She talked to Matt for a little while and of course they ended up discussing the case once more; she cast a glance at Dana, smiling wordlessly. She seemed to have no problem to fit in, her previous line of work at the FBI gave them all a lot to discuss and Stella was happy for her. Stella spotted Dany and reached for her glass, walking over to sit beside her; she still had something to say and she wouldn’t leave without doing so. 

„I’ve actually enjoyed coming back here,“ Stella said and put her glass down. „I was dreading it but it hasn’t been quite so bad.“

„I’m glad to hear that,“ Dany said and Stella noticed that she didn’t seem quite as intimidated as she had before. 

„How are you holding up with all of them?“ Stella said and motioned to the rest of the crowd around the table; Dany laughed. 

„It’s alright,“ she said, thinking that the case had helped her to learn to step up for herself and be a little tougher. 

Stella had been the main reason for that, she had always encouraged her not to give up in her own way and it wasn’t just the little crush Dany had had on her back then. 

„How’s it going back in London?“

„They made me pay dearly for that disaster,“ Stella said, grimacing before she took a sip from her glass. 

„Ouch,“ Dany said. 

„I’ll get over it,“ Stella said and shrugged. 

„I’m sure you will. She seems to be a wonderful person,“ Dany said and looked at Dana; she was talking to Matt at the moment. 

„She is,“ Stella said softly. 

„I never imagined you being one to actually settle down like this.“

„I guess I deserved that,“ Stella said and couldn’t help but laugh. „I guess there are a lot of things that people don’t know about me or think that they know.“

„True,“ Dany said and sipped her drink. 

„Listen,“ Stella said and played with the stem of her glass. „I wanted to apologize.“

„What for?“ Dany asked and looked confused for a moment; she had no idea what Stella was referring to.  
„For the way I behaved when I left Belfast,“ Stella explained; the time was still a blur induced by pain medication, an attack and a severely bruised ego. 

„That was ages ago,“ Dany said, still trying to remember what had actually happened other than saying goodbye to Stella. 

„That’s not the point,“ Stella said. „What I did wasn’t exactly the nicest thing to do.“

„You had just been attacked,“ Dany said, slowly remembering how she had briefly hugged Stella and had got little to no response whatsoever. „I can’t blame you for wanting to get out of here as fast as possible.“

„It was still a rude thing to do,“ Stella said. „You’ve saved my ass a couple of times during my review and I don’t think I ever really thanked you.“

„I just did my job.“

„I think we both know that cleaning up after my one night stands wasn’t part of your job description,“ Stella said and raised an eyebrow at her; Danielle laughed. 

„Maybe not,“ she said. 

„Definitely not,“ Stella said. „But I appreciate that you did it anyway and that you kept it to yourself. I’m grateful for your decency and that I could always rely on you; you were one of the few that I trusted and actually enjoyed working with. You are a good officer and a wonderful person, Dany. I am sorry that I left without saying goodbye properly.“

„Thank you, I really appreciate it,“ Dany said and smiled; she had always believed that it hadn’t been personal and yet it had hurt just a little back then. 

„So,“ Dany said. „Any plans of coming back to Belfast soon?“

„I’m not so sure about that,“ Stella said with a smile, looking at Dana across the table. „I think I have everything I need in London and I think we’ve got quite a lot of things at hand as it is.“

„I feel you,“ Dany said. „I sometimes have the urge to get away from here.“

„What’s holding you back? You’re a great officer, I’m sure you will be a good detective one day.“

„Thank you,“ she said and Stella thought she was blushing a little. „It’s just… home,“ she explained with a shrug. 

„Home is where you make it,“ Stella said with a laugh. „Something I learned the last couple of months.“

„Looks like you’ve found the right person,“ Dany said softly. 

It had been obvious from the beginning. Stella was in love, madly so and from the looks of it Dana was good for her. She seemed much happier than she had been when they had first met and Danielle was glad to see her like this though she couldn’t deny the slight pang of jealousy she felt deep down. 

„I’m sure you will do to.“

***

They stepped into the hotel room shortly after midnight, a little tipsy but not quite drunk. Scully kicked of her shoes, thinking of the teasing that had happened in the back of the taxi, still uninhibited enough to not give a damn about locking eyes with the driver in the rearview mirror when he knew exactly what was going on.

She knew she would never see him again and she felt playful tonight. 

„Feeling a little better?“ Scully asked and put her arms around Stella, slowly nibbling at her neck. 

„Mhm,“ Stella said while she set the alarm clock on her phone so they wouldn’t miss their flight tomorrow. 

She was eager to get out of here.

„It was the right thing to do,“ Stella said, smiling when she tilted her head back to allow Scully to continue her gentle assault. 

„I know of another thing that feels just right. Where did we leave off this morning?“ 

Her fingers reached for the zipper of Stella’s dress, slowly opening it. Stella stepped out of it, motioning for Dana to turn around so she could do the same, leaving them both in their underwear in a matter of seconds. Stella crawled onto the bed, kneeling in front of Dana. 

She was mesmerized, thinking that she sometimes looked at her as if it was the first time she laid eyes on her and she wold never get tired of it. Stella sat back, spreading her legs with Scully in front of her, her legs on top of her thighs. They were close, but not too close and Stella felt the warmth radiating off Dana’s body. 

Stella touched Dana’s lips with a finger, outlining them until Scully kissed it. She put a hand on Dana’s neck, pulling her in for a kiss before she pulled back with a smile. She continued to tease her, beginning a wet trail with her lips and her tongue until she reached the valley of her breasts; her breathing became labored while Stella repeated the action on every inch of her exposed skin without giving Dana what she really wanted. 

Stella had an urge to bring her own hand to her clit to relieve some of the pressure but it would have to wait. The panties she was still wearing were soaked by now. She ran her hands up and down Dana’s back, using her fingernails to create some more friction, drawing delicious moans from her throat.  
„Ungh,“ she hissed and leaned back when Stella pushed her back a little, pushing her panties down and finally wriggling them off her legs before she resumed her position in Stella’s lap.

„Really, you want to tease me like that?“ Scully said and raised an eyebrow at Stella when she caressed her skin, kissed and nibbled at her lips and her jaw for what felt like an eternity.

She was naked and pretty wet by now, reaching behind Stella to take the vibe out of the drawer of the bedside table. She held it in her hand and it fit perfectly. The material was soft against her skin and her heart was beating a little faster than it had before. She felt nervous all of a sudden because she hadn’t planned any of this but what could possibly go wrong?

She bit her lip, looking at Stella through hooded eyes. 

„Is that-“ Stella asked and eyed the small toy curiously. Scully nodded. 

She found the buttons without having to look, never taking her eyes off Stella.

„You never cease to amaze me,“ Stella whispered, capturing Dana’s lips in a hungry kiss. She had noticed a tiny bit of hesitation but she didn’t want Dana to be uncomfortable, she wanted her to enjoy the moment. 

„I want to watch,“ Stella whispered in her ear, sucking the soft skin behind it; Dana gasped at the contact, the vibe gently buzzing in her hand. 

Scully felt a shiver run down her spine, goosebumps lining her skin. 

Her nipples hardened under the touch of her hands, the small toy brushing over the sensitive flesh, a fresh wave of arousal coming from her aching center. Stella watched in silence, desperately trying to resist the urge to take those pink nipples between her teeth and tease Dana until she squirmed and begged her to stop but she leaned back, her hands on Dana’s hips, quietly watching.

Dana’s chest was heaving, the skin glowing with a fine layer of sweat that Stella way dying to taste with the tip of her tongue. Her skin was flushed, the pleasure of being watched so intimate that it threatened to overwhelm her. Scully felt Stella’s hands on her sides, running up and down but not actually touching her. Scully sharply inhaled through gritted teeth, trying to concentrate on what she was doing. She let the vibe travel over her body, softly buzzing and tickling her overly sensitive skin. She put a hand on Stella’s shoulder, trying to find something to hold on to. 

Scully brushed the vibe over her inner thighs, inching closer to her center, gathering up the slick juices she found there. The vibrations were humming through her body, causing her sex to swell in anticipation. She moaned softly, her hand digging into the flesh of Stella’s shoulder. She tried very hard not to push the soft device against her throbbing clit hard and fast, the resistance demanding every bit of strength she had left.  
Stella marveled at the beautiful sight and Dana’s slightly furrowed brows, the look of concentration on her face when she tried not to come; it was sweet agony, a mixture of pain and pleasure. 

She whimpered softly, biting her lip and Stella couldn’t take it any longer. She remembered that one time she had made her squirt, quietly challenging herself to do it again. 

„Don’t stop,“ Stella whispered flush against Dana’s swollen lips.

She cupped her beautiful breasts, soft and heavy, with her hands. She teased both nipples with her thumb and her index finger, drawing strangled moans from Dana. She felt her sex gushing with pleasure, her toes tingling with the sensation. Stella abandoned her breasts and brought a hand in Dana’s neck, tugging at her hair a little rougher than she had intended but by the looks of it Dana didn’t seem to mind. She tilted her head back and Stella ran her tongue over her neck; it tasted salty and sweet, faint traces of her perfume mingling with the unmasked arousal that made her feel a little light-headed by now. 

Dana continued to brush the vibe against her swollen skin, still avoiding her aching clit but Stella’s administrations halted her movements, distracting her from her actions. Stella nipped at her bottom lip, sucking on the soft flesh before she kissed her hungrily; french kissing until it turned into something more urgent, desperate and messy. With her free hand Stella reached between them, finding Dana all wet and ready when she brushed her fingertips against her clit. Stella swallowed her moan with her own mouth, leaning her forehead against Dana’s. 

She ran her fingers through swollen folds, parting them before she pushed two fingers inside, causing Dana to arch into the touch. Stella held still, savoring the feeling of her velvety warmth surrounding her. She pumped in and out slowly at first, gently exploring her before she quickened her pace. Stella hooked her fingers, brushing against the soft spot that made Dana’s legs quiver and Stella smirked against her lips. Knowing she had found just the right spot she moved her fingers, drawing back every time she feared Dana might be getting too close to her desperately craved release. 

Stella felt her hot breath misting on her face, encouraged by Dana’s soft whimpering. She felt her getting close, her muscles clenching around her fingers. Stella pushed a third finger inside, moving them at a steady pace. 

„Do it,“ she whispered between huffed breaths and Dana finally brought the vibe to her throbbing clit, a long exaggerated moan filling the room. She felt the pleasure radiate from her center, her muscles tensing with the impending release. 

„Oh fuck, yes,“ she hissed. „Yes, right there.“

With every thrust of Stella’s nimble fingers she was reduced to a blabbering mess, her moans slowly fading. 

„Oh God,“ she whispered and it almost sounded like a cry; her body tensed when the orgasm hit her and she came all over Stella’s hand. 

She felt a wave of pleasure drowning her, her legs trembling while she rode out her orgasm. She dropped the vibe and Stella felt her fingernails dig into the skin of her back. Scully moaned loudly, crying out when she had finally caught her breath and Stella smiled, certain that someone three rooms away must have heard them but she didn’t give a fuck. 

She pressed her palm against Dana’s sex as if to soothe her before she withdrew her fingers. She brought them to her own lips, sucking slowly though she wasn’t sure Dana was capable of processing what she was doing. Stella gently cupped her face, briefly kissing her to bring her back to the present.

„Shit,“ Dana whispered, her head leaning against Stella’s shoulder; she wasn’t sure whether she was sobbing or simply trying to catch her breath. 

Gently, Stella pushed her forward, laying her down on the bed; she was trembling a little and Stella couldn’t help but smile at her. She brushed a few strands of her out of Dana’s face, leaning in for a kiss and Scully slowly felt herself coming to her senses. She pulled Stella on top, their slick bodies against one another. In one swift movement Scully rolled them over, pushing Stella on her back. They kissed for a little while longer before Scully leaned back on her heels, reaching for one of the thick pillows beside them. She motioned for Stella to sit up, pushing it under her lower back; Stella’s back was arched over the soft fabric, leaving her completely surrendered to Dana’s hungry gaze. Dana stripped her off her panties and Stella bent her knees, spreading her legs, leaving her glistening pussy on full display for her. Stella held herself up on her elbows, wanting to watch Dana through hooded eyes. 

„Do you like my little toy?“ Scully asked, her voice sounding slightly hoarse. 

Stella bit her lip and nodded. Scully reached for the device; it felt soft and warm in her hand. 

„Do you want it?“ Scully asked in a low voice, her eyes sparkling with mischief and she felt a little bolder than she had before. 

„Yes,“ Stella whispered and bit her lip before she cleared her throat. 

„Yes, what?“ Scully asked and inched a little closer, settling between Stella’s legs. She saw her curls glisten with her arousal; she could smell it, dying to dip her tongue into the wetness. 

„I… I want you to fuck me,“ Stella whispered, smirking at Dana. 

„Mhm,“ Scully said and turned the vibe on the lowest setting. „After all the teasing?“

Stella threw her head back, chuckling softly. She wouldn’t beg for it, not yet anyway. 

„I’ll think about it,“ Scully said with a smile, starting to enjoy herself. 

She held the gently buzzing device in her hand and leaned forward. Scully kissed Stella once before she left a wet trail of kisses along her jawline, her throat and her breasts. Her tongue circled Stella’s nipples before she brought the vibe to the sensitive flesh, coaxing a sigh from Stella’s throat. 

Stella’s hands were tangled in her hair when she left kisses in her wake, all the way to her mons, the damp curls glistening with her arousal. Scully leaned back on her heels again, running the vibe over the moist skin by her aching center and Stella bit her lip on a strangled moan, squirming a little. 

„You like that?“

„Uh-hu,“ Stella whispered, sounding slightly tormented. 

She leaned back, propped up on the pillow; her toes were curling, her hands fisting the sheets while she tried to find something to hold on to. Scully turned the intensity of the vibe a little higher without changing its position. Stella squirmed beneath her, trying to press her thighs together to increase the friction but Scully was still sitting between her legs and there wasn’t much Stella could do about it. 

„Not yet,“ Scully whispered and Stella whimpered softly.

Stella felt a fine layer of sweat breaking out on her skin; she was tense and focused, her breath becoming more labored with every stroke of that damn toy and Dana was still refusing to give in. Pleasuring her before had aroused her more than she had thought at first; she felt her swollen sex dripping wet with her own arousal, waiting for Dana to eat her out and put her out of that misery. 

She tossed her head from one side to the other, quietly moaning to herself; she cupped her own breasts, roughly fondling them to ease a little of the ache that she felt but it wouldn’t do so for very long.  
The sounds of her moans sounded like music to her ears and Scully listened carefully while she continued to tease her, she didn’t want to miss it. 

She took a deep breath, a wave of compassion flooding right through her when she saw the slightly pained look on Stella’s face; she had been closer than Scully had first thought. For a moment the toy was gone and Scully leaned forward, gently brushing her lips against the swollen bundle of nerves and Stella gasped at the sudden contact. 

„That’s what you want, isn’t it?“ Scully asked, running the tip of her tongue through the slick folds. Top to bottom and back. Again and again. 

„Yes… yes. Fuck,“ Stella hissed through gritted teeth, kneading her own breasts roughly.

Scully gathered her juices with the tip of her tongue though there was no need, Stella was dripping wet and desperate by now. She ran her fingers along her sex where her own tongue had just been, wetting them before she pushed them inside. Her fingers slipped in easily, Stella’s muscles contracting around her fingers.  
She curled her fingers like Stella had, lazily brushing them against the spongy spot inside; she was rewarded with a strangled moan, a smile on her face. She knew it wouldn’t be long now.  
Scully still avoided touching her where Stella wanted it most until she couldn’t take it any longer. 

„Please,“ Stella whispered. 

Her voice was breathy and barely audible, a quiet plea leaving her and Scully gently pushed a third finger inside, pumping at a quicker pace while she wrapped her lips around Stella’s clit, sucking until she was right on the edge. Only then did she replace her mouth with the vibe, finally holding it against her clit on its highest setting and it sent her flying in a matter of seconds. She heard her own blood still rush in her ears, mingling with Stella’s cries.

She dropped it and withdrew her fingers when the last ripples of pleasure ebbed off and Stella’s body went limp against the mattress. Scully crawled up to her, pulling the pillow out from under her body. Gently she lowered her weight onto Stella, capturing her lips in a slow kiss. Stella wrapped her arms and legs around Dana, savoring the warmth that radiated off her body. 

„Oh God,“ Stella said with a laugh when the need for oxygen forced them apart. 

Scully watched her with all the love she carried inside of her and she couldn’t help but join her, laughing softly while she put her head on Stella’s shoulder; she thought she was pretty much sober by now. 

„That was…“ Scully said quietly, trying to find the right word.

„Yeah,“ Stella said. „Like I said before, you never cease to amaze me.“

„At your service, my love,“ Scully said and looked up, Stella playfully rolled her eyes. „I can’t wait to go home.“

„Me neither,“ Stella said, her hand drawing slow circles on Dana’s lower back.

„I think I’ll fall asleep any minute,“ Scully said, trying to stifle a yawn. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off she felt the fatigue take its place after a long day. 

„I set the alarm already,“ Stella said. „Go to sleep.“

„Only if we sleep on your side of the bed,“ Scully said and Stella laughed, moving them a little. 

Scully looked up once more. 

„I love you,“ she whispered against Stella’s lips, kissing her. „Good night.“

„Love you too,“ Stella said and snuggled against her, finally closing her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	30. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/639ur4fw9/Stella_Scully_New_Kopie_2.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/639ur4fw9/Stella_Scully_New_Kopie_2.gif)   
> 

_Black clouds are behind me, I now can see ahead_  
_Often I wonder why I try hoping for an end_  
_Sorrow weighs my shoulders down_  
_And trouble haunts my mind_  
_But I know the present will not last_  
_And tomorrow will be kinder_

_[Tomorrow will be kinder - The Secret Sisters]_

***

Stella sat in her office, her chair turned towards the window. She was dying to get out of here although she was certain that the air outside was humid and dirty. The city was crowded with too many tourists; she could see them down by the riverbank and had no desire to become one of them but she wanted to be out of this office, away from it all.

She wanted to be somewhere quieter with Dana, somewhere by the sea. She wasn’t sure whether there would be less people but at least they would have their own little sanctuary and the noises of the city would be replaced by the gentle breeze of the sea. She sighed and closed her eyes; the last time seemed an eternity away and she wanted to escape now more than ever. Things had settled down after returning from Belfast last month and people finally had the decency to move on and drop the case once and for all. From now on they would only dig up the case when she fucked up real bad and they wanted to rub it in her face though she had no desire to let any of this happen again. 

Stella felt relaxed but restless at the same time. Things had been going well for both of them for a little while but she could’t shake off the feeling that something was about to rock their peaceful world and burst the bubble that had lulled them in for a little while. She had always been wary of other people, had learned not to trust anyone but herself from an early age and it had been a hard habit to shed. She had learned to trust Dana and rely on her but the doubt always lingered within her, quietly asking: what if. 

She tried not to let it taint her thoughts, not to let it ruin anything but the truth was that she still hadn’t heard from Theo. She didn’t know if she’d ever find out what happened to William but the thought filled her with mild anxiety, worrying her. It was hovering above her whenever she remembered it. Slowly she got up and walked to the window. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked into the distance. She couldn’t quite tell whether the sky was grey or whether that was simply smog. With London she could never tell what was to come but somehow she had the uneasy feeling that a storm was heading their way.

***

The first troughs of the impending storm came a couple of days later. She was going over evidence reports when the silence was disturbed by the sound of an incoming call, startling her. She looked at her phone for a couple of heartbeats, silently pondering what to do until she came to her senses and picked it up.

„Gibson?“ she said and cleared her throat. 

„Stella,“ he said calmly and the minute she heard his voice, her heart skipped a beat. „This is Theo.“

She took a deep breath, felt her heart beat faster. All of a sudden her hands were clammy and she started being afraid.

„Yes,“ Stella said. „Yes, what can I do for you?“ she asked as if she didn’t have a suspicion about why he was calling but something told her that she didn’t want to hear what he had to say.

„Do you have a minute to come to my office?“ he asked and she felt the fear rooting within her. 

„Theo, what’s going on?“

„I’d rather you come down here and I’ll explain it in person,“ he said as calm as ever. 

„Okay,“ she said quietly, trying to calm her raging nerves. „I… I will be there in a bit.“

„Thank you,“ Theo said and ended the call.

***

Sitting in his quiet office he laid his face in his hands and tried to prepare himself for what he was about to do. His job had never been an easy one; too often had he been forced to deliver bad news and he had wished, from the bottom of his heart, that he had better news for her.

It felt like an eternity, the minutes dragging by at a painfully slow speed while he waited for Stella to make her way down to his office. She knocked, hesitantly opening the door to the office that she had stepped in to a few weeks ago when she had started something that she couldn’t stop any longer. 

„Stella,“ he said and rose from his chair when she entered. 

„Theo, you’ve been scaring me,“ she said, trying not to let the fear creep into her voice. 

„Please, have a seat,“ he said and pointed at the empty chair. 

„Don’t do this to me!“ she said a little louder all of a sudden. 

She hadn’t meant to be rude nor had she expected that she would be so scared in the first place. She tried to tell herself that everything was okay, she didn’t even know what was going on and there wasn’t any reason to be so nervous. 

„Don’t handle me with kid gloves!“ she said, her unmistakable gut feeling telling her that something was off. 

„Just give me a chance to explain what happened and what I found out,“ he said and sat down. 

He had seen this kind of reaction many times, knowing not to take it personal. 

„Sorry,“ she said and pinched the back of her nose with two fingers. 

She took a deep breath and leaned back, her hands anxiously fidgeting in her lap while she tried to give him a chance to speak. 

„Do you remember the last time we talked about what I found out?“ he asked just to make sure they were still on the same page. 

She nodded. 

„I tried to work with that, gather information and reach out to a few people. It took a while but I was finally able to figure out the boy’s last name,“ he said and Stella looked up, the faintest trace of hope flickering within her. 

„Please don’t ask me how I did that,“ he added and Stella understood. 

„What is it?“

„Van De Kamp,“ Theo said. „His name was William Van De Kamp.“

Stella didn’t miss the fact that he had used the past when he referred to the boy but her subconsciousness refused to acknowledge that. She thought she suddenly felt sick, her blood rushing in her ears. 

„When you came and asked me about finding him we both knew that it would be nearly impossible,“ he said and Stella nodded, not having found her voice just yet because she didn’t exactly know what was happening. 

„I did, however, find something about him once I knew his full name,“ he said and put his hand on a file resting on his desk; Stella hadn’t even seen that before. 

„Stella,“ he said softly, a look of sympathy on his face. „I really wish I had better news for you. I’m so sorry.“

***

Stella pressed the file against her chest, holding it with both hands. She hadn’t looked at the content in the light brown manila folder yet. She kept walking, climbing the stairs back to her department. She knew she was simply dreading the inevitable with every step she took. It was a slow journey, her mind feeling empty while the sound of her heels echoed loudly in the empty stairwell.

She felt chilled all of a sudden, knowing that it was something that came from deep within her. She didn’t understand it, wasn’t able to make sense of what was going on. It felt so surreal that she refused to let it get to her and at the same time it did just that.  
She had always been so invincible, had steeled herself against emotions and everything that could hurt her and now she felt like she was desperately failing herself. She had always dealt with tough cases, had kept a clear head but her resistance had faded long ago, leaving her vulnerable and helpless all of a sudden. She tried not to look up whenever someone crossed her path, walking steadily and with purpose although she felt incredibly lost. 

She couldn’t return to her office, feeling that there wouldn’t be enough privacy to deal with whatever was hidden inside the folder that she was holding. She knew that no one was to lay hands on this; it contained pieces of information that never should have seen the light of day, secrets that no one should ever have uncovered and a part of her wished that she hadn’t. 

She took a left, walking towards the restroom at the end of the hallway, praying that it was quiet and abandoned. She stepped inside, listening but there was nothing. Stella found the very last stall in the back, locked herself in and propped her feet up when she sat down. She didn’t want anyone to know that she was hiding in here, never wanted anyone to find out what she was dealing with.  
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, knowing that it was too late to turn back; the damage had been done and she had to deal with its remnants. Her hands were shaking when she touched the soft surface of a recently created folder, it was unnamed on the front and the surface almost felt like satin to the touch; so soft that it made her fingertips tingle. 

She didn’t miss that her fingers were trembling but she finally opened the folder, one by one putting the pieces together with what little Theo had found. While she read the notes that her colleague had left for her she found herself getting angry. She was so furious with herself and the injustice of it all; furious because she had been so naive to believe that something nice would come out of this. She should have seen it coming, should have expected the worst but she had allowed it to cloud her judgment and lead her on in the worst possible way. 

By the time she reached the end of the report her eyes were filled with unshed tears. She covered her mouth with her hands, trying to stifle the heart-wrenching sob that was threatening to escape her lips. 

She felt the scalding tears run over her cheeks and her hands and there was nothing she could do to hold them back. She didn’t know what she had been expecting but she had been hoping for so much more than this but the truth was unfair and painful. 

There was only one reason why Theo had been able to track him down in the end and through the tears Stella found herself looking at an obituary for William Van De Kamp. 

At the age of fifteen had had died in a tragic car accident along with his parents, a treacherous icy road during a stormy winter night and an ugly choice of fate that had extinguished an entire family in a matter of seconds and Stella suddenly found herself mourning a child she had never had. 

She hugged her legs and rested her head on top of it, quietly weeping with tears streaming down her face. It was so painful that it threatened to suffocate her, leaving her helpless and desperate. She didn’t know whether she was crying because of her very own sorrow that she carried with her at all times or whether she was hurting for Dana and everything that was to come. She tried to stop the tears, failing again and again until there was nothing left inside of her. Stella didn’t know how long she had been hiding in here but by the time the tears finally ceased she felt tired and emotionally drained. 

All of a sudden she found herself remembering her father and how painful it had been when she had said goodbye to him so many years ago; no matter how many times she had been through this, it never changed the fact that it felt like it had happened yesterday.  
She had never taken the time to mourn her father, had been too furious with him and then she had been too busy. She had kept herself busy in a futile attempt to cheat grief but in the end she had simply silenced it with sex and alcohol. Every now and then she had lost that battle and it had drowned her with its entire strength, leaving her a defenceless victim to her feelings. 

Sometimes she didn’t know how she had survived all these years, tumbled from one disaster to the other until Dana had crossed her path.

What if she had ruined it?

She was still here, crying and breathing, making mistakes without tumbling into the dark void that her father’s absence had left behind and once again she felt that she had ruined it. She had betrayed the woman she loved out of a pitiful attempt to ease her curiosity and to make something right that shouldn’t have been her concern in the first place. 

What was she supposed to do?

She reached for a piece of toilet paper, dabbing her cheeks in an attempt to remove all evidence of her sorrow. She blew her nose, trying to put herself together again because she had to leave the restroom sooner or later. Worse than that she would be forced to face Dana tonight and she didn’t know whether she had the strength to do that. 

A few moments later she regarded her reflection in the mirror, not even feeling sorry for herself. Her eyes were red from all the crying and even a blind person would be able to tell what she had been up to over the last few minutes but she decided not to care. She reached for the folder, took one last deep breath and walked back to her office, trying to avoid looking up while she did so. Over the next few hours she tried to bury herself with work, ignoring the obvious. 

She had hidden the file in the bottom drawer.

 _Out of sight, out of mind,_ she thought.

It had been a pitiful attempt to pretend that none of this had happened. She could hear the file yelling at her, taunting her with the mistakes she had made. Stella put her pen down, leaning her face on her hands. She couldn’t concentrate on her work, the guilt weighing heavily on her shoulders. For once she didn’t know what to do.  
She could spend the rest of her life pretending that none of this had happened and that the file didn’t exist. She would destroy its contents and never speak of it again. She could live with the quiet guilt nagging away silently but she would never burden Dana with the truth. All she had wanted was for her to get a chance to make amends with what she had done, find closure and move on with her life but she hadn’t expected to be the one to tell her that her only son was dead.  
Dana would eventually get what Stella had wanted for her; find peace, but at what price?

Her second option was telling Dana the truth and that scared her more than anything else ever had. She couldn’t tell how she would react and the thought of hurting her deeply caused her physical pain. 

What if Dana was so disappointed that she decided she could no longer live with Stella?

It was something Stella didn’t even want to think about but if that was the case she knew that she had brought it upon herself. She sighed, lost in thoughts. How would she be able to go home tonight and pretend that everything was okay? She needed time to put herself together and clear her head. In the end she would have to lie to Dana one way or the other and that had not been her plan in the first place. 

Around 2pm she couldn’t take it any longer, feeling like she’d suffocate if she stayed in the confines of her office for one more minute so she decided to call it a day and get some fresh air. She put her documents away and switched off her computer and grabbed her belongings. 

„Mary,“ Stella said and stepped out of her office. „I’m leaving early today, just call me if there’s something important.“

„Is everything okay?“ she asked and looked up. She had seen Stella when she came back earlier; she hadn’t missed that something had obviously thrown her off. 

„Yes,“ Stella said and smiled a little. „Thank you.“

„Okay,“ Mary said. „I hope you’ll have a lovely day.“

Stella left work without knowing what to do. She had left the file in her office, hidden in the bottom drawer that was locked now. No one would find it and she couldn’t risk that Dana found it once she had made up her mind and brought it home.  
She walked along the riverbank towards the Westminster Abbey without knowing where to go and what to do. She got lost in the crowds, wandering blindly. She had always been keen on avoiding such crowds; too many people always posed a threat. Something dangerous always seemed to linger behind every corner and she hated not being able to see that clearly. She kept walking towards St. James Park with the Buckingham Palace towering at the other end of it. She walked the paths without paying attention to anything in particular. Stella found a bench somewhere far off, quietly sitting all by herself. It was July, summer in the city and it wouldn’t be so unbearable if it wasn’t for the guilt that now rooted within her. She had been looking forward to getting out of the city but she wasn’t sure about anything any longer. She didn’t think she could go to Cornwall all by herself. Stella looked up at the sky; it was slightly overcast but she still felt the warmth of the sun on her face. 

There was a storm coming, Stella knew it. 

She had felt it a while ago. Before every storm there was a moment of quiet perfection where everything was the way it should be and nothing would ever hurt. After the storm everything would be different and even while it was raging nothing ever compared to the blissful perfection that had reigned. The sky would go quiet, gathering its strength for the initial blow, leaving distraction in its wake. The city would calm down, people disappeared from the streets to find shelter because the storm cleared away all distractions before it hit. 

Stella had seen it before, many times. Sometimes it had hit out of nowhere and sometimes it took days until it finally did.  
There would be a time, within the next few hours or the next couple of days, when the wind ceased and everything was quiet. It would be the moment when Stella made a decision; keep it to herself and live with the lie or tell Dana that her child was dead. Either way, it would be a quiet moment. A few heartbeats when time stood still and life held its breath before the destruction set in.

Stella reached for her phone and texted Irene because she didn’t know what else to do and she was really the only one Stella had left. It took her about half an hour, in which she sat all by herself, until Irene showed up by her side. She carried two iced coffees in her hand, looking a little flushed but as beautiful as ever. 

„What’s the matter?“ Irene asked and handed Stella a coffee; Stella shrugged. 

„Sweetheart did you notice that the bloody air is awful? I’m transpiring just sitting out here and it’ll make my hair all frizzy.“

On any other day Stella would have rolled her eyes, might have even laughed at Irene but today was none of those days. 

„Sorry,“ Stella said quietly, looking down at her hands. 

She didn’t even know what she was doing here and why she had called Irene in the first place. She wasn’t sure what to say, how to explain herself and she suddenly felt ridiculous. 

„Stella?“ Irene asked and looked at her, sensing that something was off. „What happened?“

Stella sighed, trying to find a way to start. 

„I don’t know what to do,“ Stella said softly. 

For a moment she wasn’t sure whether she had ever told Irene about Stella’s child but she trusted her not to tell anyone, maybe that was the reason for calling her after all. 

Slowly she told Irene about the baby without getting into too many details and Irene listened quietly while she sipped her lukewarm, watery coffee. The ice cubes were starting to melt and it didn’t do her coffee any good but she knew better than to complain. 

„So,“ Stella said and took a deep breath. „A few weeks ago I thought I would help Dana, I wanted her to be able to find peace. I asked someone to help me find the boy.“

„And you never told her?“ Irene asked and Stella shook her head. „I see.“

„I had no idea what was going to happen so I kept it a secret.“

„And?“

„I found out today,“ Stella said, her voice cracking a little. She cleared her throat and tried to pretend that it hadn’t happened. „What… what happened to the boy.“

„Can I take a guess? I didn’t go quite as planned.“

„It wasn’t exactly what I had been hoping for,“ Stella admitted. „But I don’t know what I had been hoping for in the first place.“

„Just spill it already,“ Irene said, trying not to sound irritated. 

„He’s dead,“ she said without looking up. Her voice was almost nothing but a whisper. 

„Shit.“

„He died in a car accident along with his parents,“ she explained and wiped the corner of her eye with her pinky.

„Will you tell her?“

„I don’t know what to do,“ Stella said. „I’m not sure how she’ll react. He was her child after all. I could keep it a secret, pretend that no one ever found out or tell her the truth and hazard the consequences.“

„I wish I could help you,“ Irene said and she meant it. 

„Irene, I’m afraid to lose her.“

„I think she really loves you, do you think she will just walk out on you after everything you two created together in such a short time?“

„I don’t know and that’s what scares me.“

Irene leaned back and looked into the distance. She should have gone back to work a while ago but she didn’t have the heart to abandon her friend. 

„I would love to help you but can we please discuss this over lunch? It looks like it’s going to rain soon and from the looks of it you haven’t had decent food all day.“

Stella shrugged again and rose from the bench; together they left the park and headed for a restaurant of Irene’s choice.

***

For three days and two nights Stella looked at the file whenever she was at work, trying to figure out what to do. The first night she came home late, trying to avoid Dana as much as possible. She had blamed it on the weather and the humid air that had worn her out after a long day at work and Dana hadn’t asked any questions.  
She had gone to bed early, trying to sleep the doubts away but it had only lasted until she felt the warmth of Dana beside her. She hadn’t slept but simply tried to block out the necessary conversation. She still hadn’t made up her mind, she seemed unable to unravel the different voices inside her head, each one yelling at her louder than the other. She couldn’t make out what they were saying but she felt every single emotion weighing heavily on her shoulders. Stella had hoped that the mess would have cleared in the morning but she had been awake all night, tossing and turning on her side while Dana was fast asleep beside her.  
She had tried to ease her aching mind and find some rest but instead of being wrapped up in her lover’s arms she seemed wrapped up in her own mind. She wasn’t sure how she had gone from feeling safe and content the one minute to being terrified and sad the other minute.

While she had tried to pass the time during endless nights she had wondered whether this is simply what she did. She fucked up things, always had and always would. Hadn’t it been a silly thought to assume that she had changed in some way?  
She had turned and looked at Dana, fast asleep and peaceful. Stella had wanted to protect Dana from any kind of harm but she knew that she would rock her entire world one way or the other. 

Stella couldn’t eat and sleep, the guilt eating away at her. On the third day she crawled out of bed early. The sun was rising somewhere on the horizon already but the world outside was still quiet, as quiet as London would ever be. She couldn’t see sunshine but low hanging clouds. Her shirt was clinging to her skin when she entered the kitchen, the air smelling sickly sweet; she knew that the storm was coming. It couldn’t be long now and while she sipped her coffee, surrounded by nothing but silence, she made a decision. 

She knew that it would be the only right thing to do, she couldn’t live with herself and the lie. She knew it would hurt and she couldn’t tell what it would do to the relationship they had built but she had to tell Dana the truth. Quietly she put the file on the counter in front of her; she had brought it home last night in case she made up her mind. 

She didn’t have the heart to look at its contents once more but she kept her hand on top of the file, remembering the first time she had looked at it a couple of days ago. She still felt the pain that had seized her heart not too long ago, trying to keep her own emotions in store; her heart was beating nervously and she felt slightly uneasy when she heard the soft sound of Dana’s feet on the floor. 

Scully watched Stella while she walked into the kitchen. It was too early to be awake on a Sunday morning and at the same time it was too humid to be asleep. She had given up on going back to sleep when she had noticed that the other side of the bed was empty.  
She had noticed that something had been different the past few days, she knew that something had been on Stella’s mind but she didn’t seem to want to talk about it and Scully had tried not to read too much into it, blaming it on work and the weather. 

„You’re up early,“ Dana said with a tired smile. 

„Just couldn’t sleep any longer,“ Stella said. 

She sipped her coffee although she felt queasy but she had to do something. Scully poured a cup of coffee and turned around to face Stella. It was then that she saw the file on the counter. 

„What’s that?“ Scully asked and nodded towards the brown manila folder. „Why are you working so early on a Sunday morning?“

„I’m not,“ Stella said and put her cup down. 

She looked at her hands, protectively resting on top of the folder. She took one last deep breath before she looked up and said:

„Dana, I need to tell you something,“ she said and heard the first raindrops splatter against the windows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
>  
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter!](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)
> 
> Here's the song [Tomorrow Will Be Kinder by The Secret Sisters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rsD4orsMFw)


	31. If Grief For Grief Can Touch Thee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/dxagceddl/scully_Stella_Crying.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/dxagceddl/scully_Stella_Crying.gif)   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> _A/N: I would just like to know that I am very grateful for everyone who is reading this story and who shares the excitement and nice comments with me. I really appreciate it and I can't wait to keep going and share this story with you and I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it._
> 
>  
> 
> _There is a reason why this update came so fast, I actually wrote it yesterday. I'll have surgery tomorrow and I won't be allowed to use my left arm properly for a couple of weeks so I don't know how typing things will work out. If you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry! I will not leave this story unfinished - I never would! I will be back as soon as I can and I will continue! In the meantime I will keep track of all the ideas that never seem to stop coming! Thank you for everything, see you soon!_  
> 

_If grief for grief can touch thee,_  
_If answering woe for woe,_  
_If any truth can melt thee_  
_Come to me now!_

_I cannot be more lonely,_  
_More drear I cannot be!_  
_My worn heart beats so wildly_  
_'Twill break for thee--_

_And when the world despises--_  
_When Heaven repels my prayer--_  
_Will not mine angel comfort?_  
_Mine idol hear?_

_Yes, by the tears I'm poured,_  
_By all my hours of pain_  
_O I shall surely win thee,_  
_Beloved, again!_

_[„If grief for grief can touch thee“ - Emily Jane Brontë] ___

  
  


____

***

Scully heard the words from somewhere far away, something strange ringing in her ears. It was just a simple sentence that didn’t necessarily mean something bad but the way these words had left Stella’s lips, the seriousness with which they had been uttered, made her feel uneasy.

It wasn’t just something simple but a herald to bad news that made her feel uneasy and Scully felt her heart thunder in her chest. She tried to take a deep breath, trying to remain calm while she put her cup down. 

„Stella, what’s the matter?“ Scully asked quietly, a variety of emotions weighing in her words. 

„Just… just sit down with me,“ Stella said and Scully hand’t missed that Stella refused to look at her; maybe that explained why she had been acting a little off the last few days. 

Scully walked around the counter, climbing onto the stool beside Stella.

„Please, talk to me,“ Scully begged her, starting to feel a little worried. 

„I’m trying,“ Stella said and looked at her hands. 

Finding the right words had never been harder though she wasn’t sure whether there was such a thing as right under these awful circumstances. She was about to tell the woman she loved that her child was dead. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to go, she shouldn’t be the one to deliver the news but she had embarked on a journey of her own and she couldn’t find a way back. 

Stella felt a little sick, knowing that it was just the fear of the unknown that unsettled her so terribly but she knew that there wasn’t a way around it any longer. 

„Do you remember how you told me about William before we went to Cornwall?“ Stella asked, trying to find a way to start. 

„Yes,“ Scully whispered. 

She nodded, still remembering that day. It was Mother’s Day and she had finally been brave enough to share that secret with Stella. What she didn’t understand was why it mattered now, after leaving it behind for so many weeks. She didn’t want to come up with theories of her own but she was starting to feel scared. 

„Why does it matter now, Stella?“ Scully asked carefully, trying to break the silence that had settled between them. 

„I… I wanted to do something to help you,“ Stella whispered, finally looking up. She faced Dana with unshed tears brimming in her eyes and Scully felt her heart drop. 

„You were so heartbroken and I didn’t want you to live like that, you didn’t deserve that,“ Stella said, trying to go about it as gentle as possible, quietly wondering whether the hard way would do them less harm in the end. 

„I wanted you to be able to find closure,“ Stella explained. 

„What did you do?“ Scully whispered, hugging herself. 

„I asked for help at work,“ Stella explained, her hand still guarding the manila folder. „I asked someone to find your son for me because I wanted you to get a chance to move on.“

Scully didn’t know what to say, the expression on her face unreadable. For so many years she had tried not to think of her son, the one she had given away and now it felt like things had shifted; something seemed to be happening and she wasn’t sure whether she liked it. She felt completely overwhelmed, her raging mind trying to make sense of Stella’s words. There was something ominous about her words that Scully failed to understand just yet. 

„I’m not sure I understand,“ Scully said quietly, shaking her head to herself. 

„I didn’t know what I was thinking,“ Stella said and turned towards Dana. „All I wanted was for you to be happy and find closure. I didn’t think, didn’t know what I was expecting.“

She looked at Dana, taking a deep breath before she kept going. 

„Did you find him?“ Scully whispered and there was something hopeful in her question. 

She looked at Stella, fear reflecting in her eyes. There was something else but she refused to acknowledge that. Her hands were trembling, they felt clammy to the touch and she didn’t know what to do. 

Stella tilted her head back a little, looking at the ceiling. She tried to keep her own feelings at bay because this wasn’t about her but Dana and her child. 

„A part of me was hoping that I would without knowing if this was what you wanted,“ Stella whispered. „I thought that… maybe I would find him.“

„Stella,“ Scully pleaded. 

„I found him,“ Stella whispered and looked at the folder on the counter. It was just a quick glance, a reminder that it had happened for real and that she held evidence of something that should have never been uncovered. 

„But it wasn’t what I had been hoping for,“ Stella said, fresh tears brimming in her eyes when she reached for Dana’s hands. 

„I’m so sorry, Dana,“ she said, never taking her eyes off the woman she loved. 

Scully understood the words; she didn’t need to say it out loud. She had been there countless times before, she knew what these words meant and how much pain they carried. 

„William died in a car accident two years ago,“ Stella said, finally uttering the words that had been on her mind ever since she had first opened the folder.

Scully looked at their entwined hands, a strange picture that vanished from her sight the moment Stella told her the truth. She was no longer in that kitchen but somewhere far away. The moment she heard the truth, that she had already been suspecting, she felt something break inside of her. For a single moment she thought she would start crying and yell, she would get mad but right now all she could do was laugh at the absurdity of the situation they found themselves in. Just a few moments ago everything seemed fine and now her world was crumbling in front of her eyes once more. 

She smiled to herself, a soft chuckle escaping her lips. She shook her head, trying to stop but she couldn’t. She felt chilled although it was too hot, she felt weak and emotionally drained but she couldn’t give in to these feelings. It didn’t make sense, it didn’t seem right.  
She had said goodbye to her child a long time ago, thinking that she had put it behind herself but the emptiness she suddenly felt proved her wrong in the most painful way. 

„Dana,“ Stella whispered, wishing she would say something but she also knew that it needed time. 

Scully withdrew her hands from Stella, hugging herself again. She looked at Stella; she seemed so miserable but what did she know? She wasn’t the one who had been forced to give up her child, the one who had to live with the endless guilt and the pain of having failed the life that she had carried beneath her heart for so many months. She didn’t know what Scully had to put up with to move on with her life and Scully had thought that she would never go back there again and here she was, suddenly feeling like no time had passed at all. 

She still remembered the way she had felt when she had packed all of his stuff, removing all evidence of a child that she couldn’t have in the end. It had been the most awful feeling one could ever experience and she suddenly realized that it had never been gone. It had etched itself into her mind and soul, had left its marks on her aching heart and it had always lingered in the shadows. 

They had lived side by side, trying to exist beside each other. She felt overwhelmed, not knowing what to do with the truth. A part of her had always been hoping that she would see him again one day but Stella had taken that away from her.  
She felt the anger well inside of her, seeping into her veins. A part of her was furious at what Stella had done because everything had been okay when she opened her eyes just a couple of minutes ago. She had felt that, for once, nothing could hurt her but Stella had done just that. She had hurt her deeply and she didn’t know what to make of it. She wanted to leave, to get away and pretend that none of this had ever happened. She wanted to go back to bed and listen to the summer rain softly tapping against their bedroom window, pretending that all of this had been a bad dream and that it would go away the moment she opened her eyes. 

She wanted to live with the uncertainty that had walked beside her for decades, she didn’t want to know the truth. 

„I am so sorry,“ Stella said again, trying to figure out what to do. 

She felt her own heart breaking at the sound of the humorless laughter that escaped Dana’s lips, knowing that it was nothing but a desperate attempt to cope with such a situation. 

„Please, just say something,“ Stella begged her, hoping that she would sooner or later understand why Stella had done that without hating her for the rest of her life. 

„I… I can’t,“ Scully whispered, slipped off the chair and left the kitchen.

***

She didn’t know how she had got out of the house, the last couple of minutes - or maybe hours - had passed in a haze. She couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. She was simply a lifeless shell wandering blindly through the rain. She didn’t remember how she got here but she kept walking anyway. Slowly she put one foot in front of the other while each raindrop, falling from the sky, soaked her clothes and made it cling to her warm skin. She hadn’t brought a jacket because it simply hadn’t occurred to her to be wearing such a thing in the middle of July when most people where keen on doing the exact opposite.

Scully felt her clothes stick to her own skin, like a second one meant to keep her warm. She couldn’t tell whether she was feeling warm or cold, happy or sad. Her emotions were upset, competing within her empty mind and she couldn’t find a way to silence them. She didn’t know what she wanted or why she was so upset in the first place. 

Grief was a strange thing, she thought and heard her own voice echo among the many that yelled for attention at this moment. 

_Was it right to call it that way?_

Thinking she had said goodbye and gone through all of this so many years ago it appeared wrong and out of place. She was mad at herself for not being able to make sense of what was going on inside of her.  
She kept walking through the deserted park; even in summer most people avoided the rain and looked for shelter in a safe place. Step by step she made her way along the muddy path and every now and then she heard thunder somewhere in the distance. 

Maybe she shouldn’t be out here all by herself, but where else was she supposed to be? She had lost something though she didn’t know what it was. She had lost her child for the second time in her life and a part of her felt like she had lost her safe place, the safe haven she had created with Stella. That was what she was angry about, the fact that this had been ruined and that she would forever be reminded of the quiet moment they had shared in the kitchen before everything had been shattered by just a few words. 

Scully was tired, feeling emotionally drained and empty but she couldn’t stop walking. She was wandering aimlessly without wanting to turn back, knowing that she didn’t want to face Stella, or anyone else. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t want anyone to fuzz over her and make a big deal out of it. Maybe she had to do that herself, maybe she was the only one capable of picking up the shards to put them back together. It would never be the same again, it would always be broken somehow but it would work one way or the other. 

After a little while she reached a playground, quietly sitting down on a swing that had been gently swaying in the rain. She leaned her head against the chain and closed her eyes, thinking that she had never felt lonelier. What had she done to deserve that kind of misery in her life? She knew she had been foolish to believe that everything would be better one day and that nothing would be able to harm her and in the end she had been hurt by the one person she had learned to trust most. 

Deep inside she knew that Stella had not meant to harm her and maybe, one day, she would be able to understand that all of this happened for a reason. Stella had done this because she loved Dana but the wounds were too deep to make it less painful. She felt the rain on her skin, soaking through her clothes and she wanted to be angry at everyone and everything. She wanted to yell at the world around her; she hated the rain for falling from the sky and for the way it never seemed to stop and ease off while everything else was fleeting. 

She wanted to cry but she couldn’t. She thought she would be so distraught that she couldn’t stop but as much as she wanted it, she couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t weep openly but she knew that her soul was aching. Deep inside a part of her soul was crying and there was nothing she could do to comfort it.  
Scully knew that the grief would never go away, no matter how hard she tried. It would become an infinite part of her, step by step; breath for breath. 

When she opened her eyes she was no longer alone. She turned her head, looking into the face of the dark creature that she had banished not too long ago. It was smiling at her; it was fear and anxiety, it was the endless grief and the insecurities. It was everything and nothing. A sneaky thing that walked beside her at all times, always attacking when she least expected it.  
It sat beside her on the swings while the rain fell upon them, quietly holding her hand while she tried to make sense of the mess that her life had become. 

_I told you so,_ it whispered and she listened. 

With every word she fell deeper, feeding her own worries and anxieties.

 _He would still be alive if you hadn’t given him up._

Quietly, she shook her head. She didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to give in but it was so easy now. She wasn’t strong enough to fight back and shush it away. 

_How can you trust her after everything she has done? It is her fault that your son is dead. If it wasn’t for her you’d still be content without knowing, pretending that nothing would ever change the way you feel._

She looked away from the dark creature, knowing the swing beside her was empty. She wanted to go home and feel warm and comfortable; she wanted to feel Stella’s arms around her and tell her that everything would be okay but right now she felt betrayed and left alone. She was starting to feel tired and cold and when she couldn’t take it any longer she kept walking. She didn’t pay attention to where she was going, trusting her feet to take her wherever she needed to be. Scully felt all over the place, not quite herself but she kept going. 

She didn’t know how long she had been on her feet when she looked up, standing in front of a church. She had seen it before, sometimes she had noticed it on her way to work but she had never paid attention to it. It had never occurred to her to visit since her faith had faded a long time ago. She climbed the stairs, carefully pushing the door open. It was quiet inside, almost as if the world outside didn’t exist. 

It was a strange feeling, something that had never ceased to amaze her when she was a child. She walked inside, finding it empty but she wasn’t surprised. She couldn’t picture anyone going out in this weather just to sit in a tiny church so she found herself surrounded by a strange silence and the sound of rain that suddenly seemed so far away. Their air was humid and sweet, smelling of wax, incense and years and years of existence but comforting nonetheless; it reminded her of church services long gone. It was a faint childhood memory and a reminder of something that had once brought her a tremendous amount of comfort when she had needed it most. 

Back in the day she had known how to rely on her faith and find shelter in the beliefs that she had been brought up with, never thinking that she would give it up one day. She had abandoned something that had once meant a lot to her, she thought and her hand reached for the tiny golden cross that was still dangling around her neck. She held on to it and looked around, feeling strangely comforted by the soft candlelight that illuminated the small space. It was caressing her aching soul and she let it, closing her eyes. The longer she sat in the silence, accompanied by her pain and sorrows, the more painful it seemed to be. 

There were times in her life when her belief had been challenged one too many times and she found herself turning her back on it until she couldn’t go to church any longer because it simply didn’t feel right. 

She didn’t want to get up, she didn’t want to pray and she didn’t want to think but she wanted to soak up the comfort that this estranged place seemed to offer. 

It took a couple of minutes until the pain she had been trying push away started to take over and she could no longer hold it in place, gently allowing it to wash over her. She looked down at her hands, her view blurring in front of her eyes. She felt the hot tears trickle down her cheeks and she could not stop them from falling, like the rain that had soaked her clothes just a few minutes ago. She tried to breathe through the pain and the pressure that was building inside her chest and all of a sudden she was unable to hold back the heartbreaking sobs that escaped her lips, echoing through the empty church. She covered her mouth with her hand, attempting to stop but it was a futile attempt since the grief had already drowned her with all its strength. 

She tried to hold back her pain but it was a battle that she lost. After a little while she saw someone move in the corner of her eye, knowing that it could only be the local minister. Scully couldn’t look at him, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. She took a deep shaky breath in an attempt to stop her emotional outbreak now that she seemed to have company. 

„Is there anything I can do for you?“ he asked quietly without looking at her. His voice sounded soft and comforting somehow and Scully gave herself a few seconds before she spoke. 

_Was there anything he could do for her?_

There was a time in her life when she had thought that a church service and prayers would ease any kind of pain but now that she was mourning her child she wasn’t sure any longer. It almost seemed naive and what was she supposed to say?

She had given up her child and was now paying the price for it? She wasn’t ready to share her story with a stranger but maybe all she needed was the quiet comfort of an unfamiliar place to mourn her child. 

„I don’t know,“ Scully whispered through her tears. „I… I just like to sit here for a while.“ 

He nodded quietly, giving her the privacy that she needed. She didn’t know where he went or whether she was still alone but it didn’t matter. She leaned back in the pew and closed her eyes; the tears faded slowly after a while, leaving her exhausted and drained. A part of her was feeling guilty because she didn’t remember what time it was when she had left the house; she didn’t have a watch or her phone. She had no way to reach Stella and a part of her was dying to go home and take a warm shower. 

She wanted to put fresh clothes on and sink into the soft sheets, close her eyes and pretend that nothing could hurt her for a little while. She was starting to feel cold, something that was coming from somewhere deep within. She rose and hesitated before she exited the church, attracted by the gentle glow of a bunch of candles. She stepped closer and reached out to light a candle, her hand shaking while she did so. She knew who it was for but she couldn’t allow herself to think about it, knowing she would just break down.  
When she stepped outside the air seemed thick, the rain had finally stopped but Scully still felt cold. She was trembling with her clammy clothes sticking to her skin. 

She looked around, feeling that the fog had lifted a little. She recognized her surroundings, knowing how to find her way home. She felt empty but she knew where she had to go, where she had to be. It would hurt but it was the one place where she needed to be. Her feet hurt and she walked slowly. The sky was grey and overcast but when she reached the stairs leading to their apartment the late afternoon sun found its way through a crack in the clouds, illuminating the path she walked on for a few seconds; it felt warm on her skin, comforting even.  
When she stood in front of the door she realized that she didn’t even have a key, knocking when she had pulled herself together. It didn’t take long for Stella to open the door, a wave of relief washing over her when she saw her. 

„Dana,“ she whispered, stepping aside to let her in. 

Scully knew that she had been crying and that she had probably been worried sick and it brought back the guilt she had felt at church not too long ago. Stella was a bit hesitant, trying to resist the urge to pull her in a hug. They had never dealt with something like this before and she didn’t want to screw it up more so than she already had. 

Scully stood in front of her, feeling strangely out of place all of a sudden. 

„Dana, please talk to me,“ Stella begged her and closed the distance between them. 

Carefully she put her hand on Dana’s cheek, her thumb caressing the cool skin. Scully put her own hand on top of Stella’s; a part of her was aching for the physical reassurance but something else inside of her was fighting it. She needed her own time to make amends with it and she couldn’t afford to break down now. 

„I don’t know what to say,“ she said softly and stepped away from Stella. „I just can’t.“ 

Stella watched her go, still standing in the exact same place when she heard the shower run a little while later. She should have expected it but the pain of being rejected still weighed heavily on her. It hurt but maybe it was what she deserved. She tried to put herself together and swallow her own pain, knowing that it would take a while.  
She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring and it scared her but she couldn’t let that numb her, she needed to do something. Quietly she started to make dinner, not knowing whether Dana would want to eat. For now Stella was glad that she had returned but what if she suddenly realized that she didn’t want to stay and that she couldn’t life with what Stella had done? 

She tried not to let it get to her, finally gathering the courage to check on Dana after a little while. She would give her the privacy she wanted and she would accept her wish to be on her own but she would never let her down. It was quiet when she stepped into the bedroom and Stella found her curled up on her side of the bed. She had changed into shorts and a tank top, sleeping tight when Stella crouched down beside her.  
She looked so tiny and vulnerable but Stella had no doubt that they would somehow survive this - or so she hoped. 

She pulled a thin blanket over her sleeping form and placed a soft kiss on her forehead before she returned to the kitchen to have dinner all by herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter!](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)
> 
> Here's a song that I've had in mind when I pictured Scully walking through the rain on her own: ["Hallelujah" (Alto Sax Cover)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycqlqqCOUWg)
> 
> P.S.: Just a quick note on William. I know that CC decided to call him Jackson in season 11 but that's not going to happen in my story. I decided to do this long before it was known that his name is Jackson and it just didn't make sense to me. I know it was supposed to protect him but wouldn't changing his last name be enough? William isn't an uncommon name that stands up too much... The thing is he was a couple of months old when he was adopted and he had a name already. Scully had named him William for a reason and I will not take that away from her. He was always William to me and he will always be.


	32. She Dried Her Tears And They Did Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/q0fs07gsp/chapter_32_stellascully.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s18.postimg.cc/q0fs07gsp/chapter_32_stellascully.gif)   
> 

_She dried her tears and they did smile_  
_To see her cheeks' returning glow_  
_How little dreaming all the while_  
_That full heart throbbed to overflow_

_With that sweet look and lively tone_  
_And bright eye shining all the day_  
_They could not guess at midnight lone_  
_How she would weep the time away_

_[Emily Jane Brontë]_

***

Scully stared out of the window, her body resting on top of the bedding. It was too hot to cover herself with a blanket although she had a strange urge to shield herself from the world around her. She had closed the blinds with only a tiny bit of sunlight shining through a small crack. She didn’t know what time it was, she had lost track a little while ago.

She knew that Stella had left some time ago; she had heard her getting up in the morning but Scully had kept her eyes closed. She had inhaled slowly while Stella padded into the bathroom to get ready for work. The term at university was almost over and there wasn’t much left for her to do so she quietly wallowed in her sorrow, shutting Stella and the rest of the world out.  
Scully had felt the pain when Stella seemed to hesitate, not knowing whether it was okay for her to kiss her goodbye before she left for work. She had exhaled slowly when she heard the soft click of the door, leaving her in silence with nothing but her own thoughts. She was angry at herself for treating Stella that way, she didn’t deserve any of this and she knew that she just wanted to help and she appreciated it, could understand why Stella had done what she had done but at the moment her pain seemed too grand to be pushed aside and she had not yet found a way to cope and move on. 

Scully was angry because her entire world had been okay just a couple of days ago until something had shattered it again. She had never really mourned the loss of her child; she had never had the time to do that. She had been forced to keep going all by herself and so year after year had passed in which the bitter truth had quietly retreated to the background. They had never addressed it and William had always been around somehow, unspoken of but they had both known that it would linger between them forever. Ignorance was bliss and not knowing what the truth was had been as unsettling as it had been calming. The problem was that she hadn’t expected that to change, she had been caught off guard and it terrified her. The difference was that she wasn’t on her own this time; she found herself in a safe place with someone she loved and trusted so much that it finally seemed okay to grieve the son she had lost for the second time in her life. 

It wasn’t the fact that Stella had told her the truth but more so the feeling that it was final once and for all and it had pulled the rug out from under her feet while almost sixteen years of sorrow seemed to drown her.  
Scully felt the pain inside her chest, the emptiness and the feeling of not being whole somehow. She hated hurting Stella but she had not been strong enough to jump over her own shadow and let down her protective walls to let Stella in. She had to get through this on her own before she had enough strength to let someone else in. 

Scully closed her eyes, a fine layer of sweat covering her skin. It was warm, too warm already and while she wanted to get away with every inch of her body she just couldn’t get herself to leave the bed. Inside her dark bedroom everything seemed better. It almost felt like the world outside didn’t exist; her son wasn’t dead and Stella didn’t feel guilty and they would get ready for a much needed vacation at the beach to celebrate Stella’s birthday.  
Scully took a deep breath and closed her eyes, remembering the way she had talked to Mulder about two days ago. It couldn’t have waited, she had known that she had to talk to him as soon as possible. She hated being the one to tell him, to ever have to bring it up again but it had been the only right thing to do. He deserved to know the truth so she had made the decision to drive to Oxford and talk to him, telling him that he would never see his son again.

***

_She pulled up in front of the house with little time to prepare herself for the heartbreak ahead because he was sitting on the small porch when she climbed out of the car. She moved slowly, trying to inhale deeply to breathe through the pressure in her chest. Her mind had been somewhat detached throughout the drive as she had tried to focus on the task but now that she was here she was starting to feel uneasy and nervous._

_What was she supposed to say?_

_It didn’t feel right to come here without a warning and bring him the news. Grief-stricken as she was she suddenly worried, thinking that she should have called and given him a chance. There was a small part inside of her that wanted to protect him, considered keeping it a secret._

_She took a deep breath, knowing that it wouldn’t take much for her to break out in tears._

_Mulder knew that something had happened, he had that uneasy feeling the minute she had pulled up in front of the house. It wasn’t like her to drop by without sending him a quick message in advance. He rose from his chair, taking a few steps towards her while he wondered what had happened. He could tell that something was weighing heavily on her shoulders, knew her well enough to know that she was troubled by something. They had met for coffee a few weeks ago when she had returned from Belfast, just like they had agreed on and ever since then their relationship had eased a little.  
They had both been happy and it had become a little less awkward, finding ways to talk to each other like normal people again. He would always love her, way too much to cut her out of his life and she seemed very happy with Stella and he had decided not to be the one to stand in her way and ruin it for her. It still felt a little bitter every now and then but maybe that was his own problem to deal with._

_„Scully,“ he said softly when she climbed the three steps to the porch, avoiding to meet his eyes. He could tell that she had been crying and his heart dropped a little; she deserved to be happy and he didn’t want to see her in pain again._

_„Hey,“ she almost whispered, clearing her throat when she closed the distance between them._

_She put her arms around him, her cheek against his chest. He felt warm and soft and she quietly inhaled his familiar scent. She felt the emotions seize her heart, her sorrow overwhelming her although this was exactly what she had wanted to avoid. Without having the strength to fend off the pain she suddenly felt hot tears stream down her cheeks, her body shaking while she tried to hold back the sobs. She knew it was in vain, a pitiful attempt once the flood gates had been opened, and she couldn’t get herself to talk to him just yet._

_Mulder put his arms around her, pressing her against his body while she sobbed relentlessly. His chin lightly rested on top of her head and he quietly admired how she still fit perfectly in his arms. He had seen her cry many times, had held her through lots and lots of tears but something about this made him sad and he knew it was just the beginning._

_Gently he stepped back, his hands on her upper arms._

_„Let’s go inside,“ he said, leading her into the house._

_It was cooler in there and she tried to breathe a little slower, to prepare herself for what she was about to do. Maybe she shouldn’t have come here, maybe this had been a bad idea and she should have waited until she was strong enough to handle it but who was she fooling? Would there ever be a time in which it didn’t break her heart in two?_

_She sat down on the sofa, fresh tears spilling from her eyes._

_„I’ll get you some water,“ he said and she secretly admired his calm demeanor, it soothed her instantly._

_When he returned he handed her a small bottle of still water that was cool to the touch. He sat down beside her, waiting for her to say something. A part of him was simply hoping that everything was okay between her and Stella, not that it was any of his business but he needed her to be happy.  
She took her time with the small bottle of water, trying to calm the raging thoughts within her. She was torn between telling him the truth straight away or going about it gently, not sure which one would be the least painful option. _

_„Is… is everything okay with you and Stella?“ he asked when she still hadn’t said a word after a few minutes._

_Scully almost laughed at that. She didn’t want him to think that he was only good enough when things weren’t going well, that she came crawling back to him simply because something hadn’t worked out. She knew he wanted to help her, trying to get her to talk because it was obvious that she had come here for a reason._

_Before she got to the truth she took a moment to consider what he had just asked. It hurt mostly because she was ashamed of her own behavior and the way she had turned against Stella but that wasn’t anything she would discuss with him, that was not why she was here.  
„No… No,“ she said and wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. „No, it’s… that’s not why I am here.“_

_„Scully, look at me,“ he said and put his bottle away. She turned towards him, allowing him to hold her hand in his. She enjoyed the little physical contact; it was slightly reassuring._

_„You know you can tell me anything.“_

_„I just… don’t know how to start,“ she said and shook her head._

_Somehow this was even harder than the time in which she had decided to leave him and said goodbye to him on the porch of the unremarkable house half a lifetime ago._

_„And I really wish I didn’t have to do this,“ she whispered and looked at their hands, fresh tears running down her cheeks._

_„I really wish I could help you but I’m a little lost,“ he said and she bit her lip._

_Scully closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to beat around the bush any longer._

_„I know we never talked about William,“ she said and the look on his face changed a little though he didn’t say a word. „It was always okay the way it was.“_

_They both knew that it had been anything but okay but it seemed to have worked._

_„I gave him up to keep him save,“ she said and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear._

_„I know you did,“ Mulder said. „I never doubted it. You did the right thing.“_

_„It still hurts,“ Scully said. „After all this time I refused to acknowledge it because I knew it would hurt, not knowing would kill me.“_

_„I wish you wouldn’t have kept this from me,“ he said and she looked at him. He hadn’t ignored his son but he had kept quiet because he couldn’t bear to see her hurt and because he assumed this was her way of coming to terms with it._

_„Just let me finish,“ she said. „Because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to start again,“ she said and he nodded, not sure whether he liked where this was going._

_„I told Stella about it some time in March. I just couldn’t keep it to myself any longer, I just didn’t want to lie any more and I realized that I had never had a chance to cope.“_

_He looked at her, wanting to tell her how sorry he was but he had promised not to interrupt her._

_„I just found out that-“ she started and looked at the ceiling, trying to blink the tears away. She was tired and her face felt swollen from too much crying._

_„Did you find him?“ he said almost whispering, sounding slightly hopeful._

_He knew that a part of him had never given up hope that they would be reunited one day. It had taken most of his life to, more or less, come to terms with the disappearance of his sister that he had secretly hoped that not yet another loved one would simply vanish from his life._

_„Mulder,“ she whispered and looked at their hands, her vision blurring in front of her eyes, because she couldn’t stand looking at him. „Our son is dead.“_

_It suddenly felt like all air had been sucked out of the room and there was nothing left. Although he had expected the worst already none seemed to compare to what she had just told him._

_„Mulder, our child is dead,“ she said again because she couldn’t quite believe it herself._

_It was the first time she said it out loud since Stella had told her what she had discovered She still hadn’t been brave enough to look at the folder Stella had brought home and maybe she never would.  
He didn’t know what to say, feeling overwhelmed but he was beginning to understand why she had been so distraught in the first place. He laid his arm around her, leaning back while she cuddled up to his side. He felt her body tremble while she wept over the loss of their child. Mulder felt tears in his eyes, sharing the pain that she felt. It had come unexpected and he wasn’t sure what he felt; it had taken him off guard. _

_„What happened?“ he asked after a little while._

_„He died in a car accident,“ Scully whispered, repeating the words Stella had used not too long ago. She didn’t want to think about it in detail or that something else could have happened, it didn’t matter any longer; it wouldn’t change a thing._

_„I’m so sorry,“ he whispered for both of them and held her in his arms._

_„I wish I didn’t have to tell you,“ she said quietly after a little while._

_The weeping had subsided and, except for a few dry sobs, she had managed to calm a little._

_„I’m sorry it had to be me.“_

_„I’m glad you did,“ he said and kissed the top of her head._

_He didn’t know whether not knowing would have been more pleasant in the end but he knew that he didn’t want Scully to carry that pain all by herself. They had been in this together from the start and they had to go through this together to the very end._

_It became quiet after that, both lost in their own thoughts. Scully felt emotionally drained and tired, cold although she was cuddled up by his side, slowly lulled in by the gentle rise and fall of his chest. She still hadn’t told him that it was Stella who had discovered the truth, it was her who had caused them both to feel such an incredible amount of pain. She knew that Stella had simply meant to help her cope with the terrible loss and maybe avoiding it for such a long time was the only reason it hurt so much now. She had no doubt that it would be better one day but for the time being she was deeply hurt and grieving._

_She didn’t notice how she fell asleep against him and how Mulder gently laid her down, comfortably nestled against the cushions that she had always loved. He didn’t have the heart to wake her, not knowing whether she had to return to London or not. The truth was that she probably shouldn’t be driving while being in such an emotionally unstable condition and he felt better knowing that she was fast asleep at the moment; nothing could hurt her when she was sleeping._

_She looked so peaceful and he tried finding something to do without waking her. He wasn’t hungry but he needed something to do, keeping himself busy so he decided to make something to eat - whether they would eat it or not. Normally he would have gone for a run to clear his head but it was still too hot outside and he wouldn’t want to leave her alone in case she woke up._

_The sun had set by the time Scully opened her eyes. She blinked a few times, trying to figure out where she was; it was familiar but different at the same time. She sat up, trying to shake off the fatigue. She hadn’t noticed how tired she had been or how she had fallen asleep but the last thing she remembered was that Mulder had been by her side._

_„You’re awake,“ he said quietly, entering the living room._

_She looked up, a tired smile on her face._

_„What time is it?“_

_„Almost nine,“ Mulder said and sat down in the armchair, watching her. „Sorry, I didn’t have the heart to wake you.“_

_„It’s okay,“ she said and stifled a yawn._

_If the circumstances weren’t so sad he would smile at how adorable she looked at the moment. She seemed so tiny between these cushions, her hair a little messy, her cheeks flushed and her entire composure still heavy with sleep._

_„I think… I think I should get going soon,“ she told him but it didn’t sound very persuading, something seemed to hold her back._

_„You’re welcome to stay,“ he said and she looked up, surprised for a moment. „No second thoughts, I’ll sleep on the couch.“_

_„Thank you,“ she said with a gentle smile._

_„Scully, are you okay?“ he asked, knowing they had just scratched the surface. He hadn’t quite grasped it yet and it would probably take a little while until the truth started to sink in but for now he wanted to make sure that she was okay._

_She shrugged, wondering what to tell him._

_„It’s just… she was the one who told me,“ she whispered and maybe Mulder was beginning to understand.“I don’t know what to do, it feels weird.“_

_„Are you angry because she was the one who told you or because of what she said?“ She seemed to consider this for a moment._

_„I don’t know,“ she admitted. „I don’t know what to do but I think I need to go… home.“_

_A little while later he walked her to the car._

_„Will you be okay?“ she asked and looked up. A part of her felt guilty for leaving him all alone._

_„I don’t know,“ he said honestly. „I guess we’ll just have to give it some time.“_

_„Yes,“ she said and unlocked the car._

_She turned around to hug him without tears this time. It almost felt like she had none left for the day. She felt a little lighter but strangely empty and calm._

_„Call me if you need anything,“ he said. „Be careful.“_

_He sat in the darkness of the porch for a little while longer, had watched her drive off and thought about what she had told him but it still seemed so far away._

***

She sighed and hugged her pillow. She didn’t know what to do with herself. Back in the day she had used work as a distraction whenever something bad had happened but she couldn’t even do that any longer.  
She didn’t even have the strength to get lost in her work and pretend that nothing could hurt her. The wounds were now so deep that she couldn’t make them go away, they needed time to heal.

Scully couldn’t even see the shadow but she felt it all around, it was everywhere. She didn’t have the strength to pull herself together and it was embarrassing but what could she do? She should get up and take a shower, do the grocery shopping and get some fresh air and time in the sun but in the end she did none of that.  
She stayed in bed, pretending that the world outside her bedroom didn’t exist.

***

Stella climbed the stairs to the white front door. It was opened the minute she tried to make up her mind and Kate smiled when she stepped aside to let her in.

„Stella,“ she said. „I’ll let her know that you are here.“

„Thank you.“

Stella stepped into the kitchen and looked into the adjoining living room, quietly wondering whether she had ever seen this place in a messy state. She sat down on a chair by the counter, laying her head in her hands. She felt stupid all of a sudden, thinking that she should have called Irene before she dropped by unannounced. 

„I guess it didn’t go too well,“ Irene said when she walked in. 

Stella nodded quietly, leaning her chin on her hands. 

„I think I fucked up real bad,“ she whispered. „I’m afraid it’s… it’s over.“

„What happened?“ Irene asked and sat down opposite her. She had to admit that Stella looked pretty miserable. 

„I told her what I found out because I didn’t want to lie to her Irene, I just wanted to do the right thing for once,“ Stella said and sighed; it hurt and she felt lost. 

„What did she say?“

„She just left,“ Stella said. „I understand that it hurt and that she probably hates me right now but I don’t know what to do.“

„I don’t think she hates you.“

„But why does it feel that way? She doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t seem to do anything… I’m afraid I’ll make it worse.“

„Well,“ Irene said and leaned back in her chair. „Maybe you need to give her some time, Stella. She has just lost her child.“

It was the first time she actually thought about it this way. 

„It’s one thing not to know for sure but now it’s final. Maybe you need to give her some time,“ she said and Stella nodded. 

„I’m just afraid it’ll never be the same again,“ Stella said quietly and it seemed to say a lot coming from a woman who had spent most of her life in the company of nameless one night stands.

„I might not be the right one to give you great relationship advices, my dear,“ she said and reached for Stella’s hand. „But please don’t run away now. I might not be an expert but I think she needs you more than ever now even if she can’t show it, she’s grieving.“

Deep inside Stella knew all of this but she failed to detach herself from it the way she would have done had it happened at work, but this was different. 

„I’ve never been so scared,“ Stella admitted and finally looked up, facing her friend. 

Irene had known it the first time Stella had told her about Dana and she knew it now, she saw it in her friends eyes. 

„You really love her, don’t you?“

„Yes,“ Stella said and almost laughed at how emotional they suddenly seemed to be.  
„I guess we’ve come a long way,“ Irene said, trying to lighten the mood a little. „Remembering where we’ve started…“

„I guess you’re right,“ Stella said and smiled softly. „Do you miss it sometimes?“

„What exactly?“

„I don’t know, the way it was. All of it.“

„Having sex with you?“

Stella shrugged. 

„Sometimes,“ Irene admitted. „Not all of it was bad, you know.“

„No, it wasn’t,“ Stella agreed.

„Go home, Stella,“ Irene said and rose from her chair to stand beside her friend. „Go home and suck it up. Don’t let me down.“

„You?“ Stella asked and Irene raised an eyebrow at her while she walked her to the door. 

„You give me hope,“ Irene said and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

„Since when do you believe in all of that?“

„A girl can dream,“ Irene said with a smile. „Maybe it’s time to settle down, doesn’t seem to be such a bad idea. Enough now, time for you to go home.“

„Are you kicking me out?“

„It’s for your own good,“ Irene said and pulled Stella in for a hug. „Go home and fix it.“

„I’ll try,“ Stella promised and left the house.

***

Fixing things hadn’t been as easy as Stella had thought. She was still afraid and insecure though she tried everything in her power to let Dana know that she was still there and that she wouldn’t go anywhere.

They had exchanged a few words here and there but it was always somewhat impersonal and slightly painful. On the third night Stella couldn’t take it anymore. She felt that the whole thing was getting to her and she still hadn’t found a way to give Dana what she needed.  
Stella knew that she wasn’t doing well and it was getting to her more than she would ever admit but she could no longer watch Dana succumb to her grief and spend her days wondering what might have been and why life was treating her so badly.  
She wasn’t eating, and sleeping a little too much and Stella couldn’t handle it any longer so she did the one thing that had been on her mind for a while now, something that promised to be her last resort. 

She stood in her kitchen and reached for her phone. 

„Mulder, this is Stella,“ she said quietly when he picked up. „I need your help.“

***

„Thank you for coming over,“ Stella said and stepped aside to let him in. She was a little embarrassed though she didn’t know why and it seemed to be the only right thing to do. „I just don’t know what to do anymore.“

„Don’t worry,“ he said and she finally looked up. 

He seemed just as tired as all of them and she had to remind herself that he had lost a child, too. 

Mulder looked around, recognizing a few of Scully’s things; it looked cozy and comfortable. 

„She’s in the bedroom,“ Stella said and pointed to the door. 

He nodded quietly and looked at the woman who had called him for help. He wondered how much strength it must have cost her to call him and ask for help but he appreciated that she did.

„Scully,“ he said softly when he walked in finding her curled up on the bed. 

He noticed that she had lost a little more weight. He understood that she was hurting but it was time to help her back on her feet. 

He sat down on the edge of the bed and she looked at him.

„Mulder? What are you doing here?“ she sat up in bed, leaning against the headrest; she looked tired although she had done nothing but sleep these last few days. 

„Stella called me,“ he told her and reached for her hand. „She’s worried about you, Scully.“

„I don’t know what to do,“ Scully said and hugged herself. 

„I know it hurts but you can’t hide in here forever,“ Mulder said. 

He felt sorry for her, wishing he could protect her from all of this but the reality was that they all had to deal with it now. 

„There are people out there who love you and need you,“ he said and she faced him.

„Do you… do you remember that time when you left me?“ he asked and Scully seemed confused. 

„I don’t understand, what does that have to do with all of this?“

„You had your reasons, do you remember how you felt and why you finally walked away?“

Scully nodded though she still didn’t get it. 

„Think about it,“ Mulder tried to explain. „I believe this is exactly what Stella feels like now.“

He saw the unshed tears shine in her eyes, the guilt rooting within her. He didn’t mean to make her feel bad but he needed her to understand. 

„I’m not saying that she’s going to leave you,“ he said and she turned her head away from him. 

„I believe it’s quite the contrary, that’s why she called me. She’s worried but she feels lost. She’s helplessly watching you mourn a ghost.“

It struck home somehow and she felt the tears run down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back of her hand, remembering all the terrible things she had felt when she had walked away from Mulder; she was starting to understand. 

„It’s okay to mourn our son and it is okay to be sad but don’t shut her out like this, let her help you. I know you’re not mad at her personally, be mad at me if you like but she loves you very much.“

He pulled her in for a hug and she cried against his shoulder; all she wanted was to feel like herself again. His presence was soothing and she appreciated that he was here, that he actually came to their home despite everything that had happened between them.

***

Stella heard their voices coming from the bedroom but she didn’t understand what they were saying and the truth was that she didn’t want to know; it wasn’t any of her business.

A few moments later Mulder joined her in the kitchen where she waited with her arms crossed in front of her chest. 

„I’m sorry we actually met again like this,“ Stella said, hoping it wouldn’t be too awkward. 

„It’s not quite what I had in mind either,“ Mulder admitted. „But I’m glad you called me.“

„I’m sorry about your son,“ Stella said softly and bit her lip. 

„Thank you,“ he said and nodded. „I’m sure it’ll be okay, Stella.“

She looked at the man who had spent half of his life with the woman she loved, thinking that she probably underestimated him; maybe she didn’t give him enough credit in the first place.

„We always found a way to work it out in the end,“ he said and she nodded. 

A few minutes later she closed the door behind him and heard the water run in the shower, a wave of relief washing over her. She decided to change the bedding because one of the nicest feelings in the world was falling asleep in fresh sheets and she thought they had to start somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> 
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	33. Willkommen und Abschied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/drawingstellaScully.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/drawingstellaScully.gif)   
> 

_Es schlug mein Herz. Geschwind, zu Pferde!_  
_Und fort, wild wie ein Held zur Schlacht._  
_Der Abend wiegte schon die Erde,_  
_Und an den Bergen hing die Nacht._  
_Schon stund im Nebelkleid die Eiche_  
_Wie ein getürmter Riese da,_  
_Wo Finsternis aus dem Gesträuche_  
_Mit hundert schwarzen Augen sah._

_Der Mond von einem Wolkenhügel_  
_Sah schläfrig aus dem Duft hervor,_  
_Die Winde schwangen leise Flügel,_  
_Umsausten schauerlich mein Ohr._  
_Die Nacht schuf tausend Ungeheuer,_  
_Doch tausendfacher war mein Mut,_  
_Mein Geist war ein verzehrend Feuer,_  
_Mein ganzes Herz zerfloß in Glut._

_Ich sah dich, und die milde Freude_  
_Floß aus dem süßen Blick auf mich._  
_Ganz war mein Herz an deiner Seite,_  
_Und jeder Atemzug für dich._  
_Ein rosenfarbnes Frühlingswetter_  
_Lag auf dem lieblichen Gesicht_  
_Und Zärtlichkeit für mich, ihr Götter,_  
_Ich hofft’ es, ich verdient’ es nicht._

_Der Abschied, wie bedrängt, wie trübe!_  
_Aus deinen Blicken sprach dein Herz._  
_In deinen Küssen welche Liebe,_  
_O welche Wonne, welcher Schmerz!_  
_Du gingst, ich stund und sah zur Erden_  
_Und sah dir nach mit nassem Blick._  
_Und doch, welch Glück, geliebt zu werden,_  
_Und lieben, Götter, welch ein Glück!_

_[Johann Wolfgang Goethe - 1775]_

***

Scully knew that it wouldn’t last forever and that the pain would fade away like it always has. It was the one thing that she could rely on, knowing that every kind of pain would ease off after a little while.  
She knew it would never be gone from her mind, it will always be within her as a reminder of how strong she had been at times in her life. That she was still breathing and alive today, after everything she had been through, was nothing more but a result of endless strength and infinite hope that things would be better one day.  
She kept telling herself that the pain will go away, leaving nothing but a scar on her battered soul after a little while; it was one of many and yet she was here. She tried not to give up on herself and not to give up on Stella because she needed her now more than ever.

Her faith had faded a long time ago and she either lost it once and for all or she would be able to rekindle it and discover something she had given up on years ago. She didn’t know which one it would be but there was one thing to be certain of. 

She was grateful that Mulder had come to help her back on her feet. He hadn’t said much but he had found the right words to get her back on track, to show her what she hadn’t been able to see because the sorrow had clouded her sight. It had meant so much that he came to their home, that he hadn’t hesitated for a moment no matter how hard it must have been for him to see her living with Stella now.  
Knowing that she could rely on him to save her one way or the other, even after almost three decades, had healed something within her. A few tiny pieces among the many broken ones had somehow put themselves back together and given her the strength to get out of bed.  
The one thing she hadn’t realized after withdrawing from the world around her was how much it hurt Stella. Maybe she had known but her grief-stricken consciousness had refused to acknowledge what she was doing because she couldn’t bear to see the woman she loved so deeply hurt. 

Even now that she felt better she still couldn’t find the right words to say to Stella. Something inside of her was holding her back and maybe it was the shame and the guilt, trying a little too hard to find the right words so that there was nothing but deafening silence in the end. 

She had thought about death a lot in the hours that Stella was out of the house, trying to remember whether it had felt the same when she was younger.  
She thought she still remembered the way she had felt when she found out that her father had passed and how her mother had called her to deliver the news over the phone. 

What an odd way to go about it she thought while she poured herself a cup of coffee. In retrospect she had to admit that a tiny part inside her heart was still angry because she had been left alone with the terrible news without knowing what to do. She had been with Mulder when her mother had passed in the hospital and she would always love him for being there, for holding her hand and picking up the pieces when she had been forced to let her mother go and maybe she had needed a little reminder that she wasn’t on her own now. 

She had allowed herself to be weak and to let all her inner demons take advantage of that, forgetting that there was something so much stronger to help her feel better. She was grieving because she had loved with all her heart, even without knowing her son she knew she had always loved him and now that was gone and she had all the love within her but no one to give it to. Scully knew that it wasn’t true but that’s what it felt like and she had allowed her mind to trick her, believing that there was nothing and no one left. She knew that life was relentless, she couldn’t just stop and the reasonable part inside of her was painfully aware of that. 

Time wouldn’t stop for her and the sun would rise day by day, no matter what. She knew that and that was the reason she got dressed this morning, the reason she made herself a fresh cup of coffee and got ready to do the grocery shopping and although a part of her wanted to drag herself back to bed, she knew that’s not what she could do.  
It wasn’t just about making herself feel better and maybe it was time to be a little more considerate. She hated the way Stella forced herself to smile in an attempt to make her feel better, wishing she wouldn’t feel that way because there was no reason to when Scully was the one who seemed to be walking away. She couldn’t even tell Stella that everything would be okay, that she didn’t hate her and that she loved her more than ever. She didn’t want to leave her behind; Stella was with her every time she closed her eyes but she couldn’t say it, not yet.

***

Calling Mulder had been something Stella had never considered but it had been her last straw, something that had reminded her of the fact that she hardly knew Dana at all, or so it felt.

What were a couple of months compared to almost thirty years?

She knew that something had changed, desperately hoping that it would help them overcome this and find their common path again. She felt sad and frustrated, guilty even for bringing it all up in the first place. She should have been smarter than that and yet she had allowed her feelings to determine her actions and now she was paying the price for it. 

She felt alone in her own home, lost in her own skin. For so many years she had tried to ease the emptiness within her and now that she had finally allowed herself to be happy she had found a way to ruin it.  
She felt that emptiness return to her, a devastating feeling of abandonment taking her breath away. It was something she had experienced many years ago and she had promised herself never to let it happen again but the more hours passed in silence, the louder the treacherous voices inside her head spoke to her. 

It was early on a Saturday morning when she walked into the kitchen, still remembering the moment she had snapped at Dana yesterday. She had almost yelled because she was so frustrated. She had meant to talk to Dana, to find out what was going on inside her head. She wanted to be yelled at, wanted her to be angry because it was one thing she felt capable of dealing with. What she couldn’t cope with was the silence that was still hanging between them, the uncertainty of not knowing that was crushing her. She still saw the look on Dana’s face, a mixture of shock and surprise, when she had raised her voice before she gave herself a moment to take a deep breath and pull herself together again. Stella had felt guilty for that sudden outburst and it had done nothing to change the way they handled the situation. 

She had found the bed empty when she had opened her eyes wondering whether Dana was at home but felt slightly relieved when she saw her sitting in the kitchen. She didn’t know what had happened but all of a sudden she found herself breaking under the weight of all the mixed feelings that she had carried around the last couple of days. She had her back turned to Dana, pouring herself a cup of coffee when her vision blurred in front of her and the tears quietly trickled down her cheeks.  
She wiped them away with the back of her hand but they wouldn’t stop and she bit her lip, trying to breathe through her nose but the pressure on her chest wouldn’t ease off.  
She put the coffee pot down and covered her mouth with her hand but it was pointless and her body trembled a little when the sound of her heart-breaking sobs echoed through the kitchen. 

It was then that Dana looked up, surprised and stunned for a moment. All of a sudden it felt like the fog had lifted and she returned to where she was supposed to be and for the first time in a while she felt the pain change. The emptiness she had felt, the weird feeling of not knowing what to do and where to go suddenly felt different; it was an overwhelming sense of empathy she felt for the one person she loved most and the sound of her gut-wrenching anguish that had brought her to reason. 

She had mourned and cried and wallowed in her self-pity but maybe it was time to stop thinking that she was in this all on her own because the last thing she wanted was to see Stella hurt. She got up and walked over to where Stella was standing.

„Stella,“ she softly whispered, putting her hands on her hips. „Please, don’t cry.“

Scully pulled her in her arms without looking at her, holding her tightly while Stella cried against her shoulder. She felt her weeping body tremble in her arms, the sound of her cries bringing tears to her own eyes. 

„I don’t hate you,“ Scully whispered. „I love you… and I need you. Please don’t give up on me.“

She felt Stella’s arms holding her a little tighter, clinging to her and it was all the reassurance she needed at that moment and together they stayed like this until the last tear had dried and the last sobs had subsided and the silence returned but it was a little less painful this time.

***

Later that day Scully crawled into bed on her side; she didn’t know whether Stella was asleep already but she had her eyes closed, looking utterly peaceful and content.  
They hadn’t talked much once the tears had dried but Scully had felt a sense of relief setting in when she had held Stella in her arms. It was everything she needed at the moment; she didn’t want Stella to beg her for forgiveness, knowing that she hadn’t done anything wrong.  
Scully switched off the bedside lamp, not wanting to wake her. She had spent most of the evening catching up on paperwork for university, wondering whether she had secretly attempted to avoid talking to Stella. She stayed awake for quite some time, staring into the darkness while her eyes slowly got used to it. She turned her head and watched Stella for a few moments, carefully reaching for her hand. Scully held it, feeling Stella’s fingers curl around hers in her sleep.

When she woke up early the next morning Stella was still fast asleep beside her. Scully turned on her side and watched her sleeping the same way she had only a couple of hours ago. Stella’s lips were slightly parted in her slumber, her freckles shining a little darker on her pale face. Her cheeks were a little flushed and she looked so soft that it warmed Scully’s heart. She was longing to be with Stella, to be close to her. She had let go off Stella’s hand in her sleep but she moved over, gently putting her head on Stella’s shoulder, her arm across her partially naked tummy. The skin was warm and soft, a familiar scent invading her senses when she buried her face in Stella’s neck. 

Scully inhaled slowly and closed her eyes; Stella stirred beneath her, slowly waking from her sleep. 

She felt the weight and the warmth of someone else's body by her side, its warmth soothing her. It took her a little while to realize that it wasn’t a dream but Dana snuggling up to her. Without opening her eyes Stella wrapped her arms around her and held her close, feeling comforted and safe. She lingered somewhere on the edge between sleeping and being awake, floating in no man’s land where nothing could hurt them.  
She felt Dana’s breath against her throat, the soft puff of her even breath hot against her skin; her hand was drawing slow circles on Stella’s tummy, gently inching closer to the soft underside of her breasts, coaxing Stella out of her slumber. 

A soft smile played on her lips when she turned her head, finally opening her eyes to look at Dana, a wave of relief washing over her. 

„Hey,“ Stella said softly. 

It was a quiet moment, something very intimate that they had both been yearning for. 

Scully kissed her, gentle at first. There was a strong sense of longing inside of her and she wanted to feel her sleep-warm body beneath her own. Without taking her eyes off Stella, Scully settled between her legs. She watched the her for a few seconds, admiring the beauty. Stella waited, breathing slowly while she waited for Dana to go on. She didn’t want to rush whatever was on her mind, wanted to give her all the time she needed. 

She pushed Stella’s shirt up with both hands, lifting it above her head before it landed on the floor beside the bed. Scully took off her own shirt and leaned forward, her nipples brushing against Stella’s before she leaned in for a kiss. A soft sigh escaped the back of her throat, swallowed by a kiss. She felt Stella’s arms wrapped around her, holding her while they french kissed slowly and she thought she never wanted to let go. 

Scully broke the kiss, hovering above Stella just to look at her for a little while. She kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose and the corners of her mouth; she teased her bottom lip with her tongue, slowly slipping her own in between Stella’s lips. 

She left kisses between the valley of her breasts, inhaling her scent that slowly mixed with the smell of arousal radiating from her center while her tongue left a wet trail on her tummy. She reached the hem of her shorts, gently peeling them off with both hands. She smelled the heady evidence of her arousal, her lips brushing against the soft patch of curls she found there. 

The softest moan escaped Stella’s parted lips and she spread her legs a little wider. As much as Scully desired to taste her she knew that she needed to see her face when she came. Her fingers caressed the insides of her thighs, inching closer to her center with every stroke. She placed a feather-light kiss on her lightly swollen clit, a soft gasp reaching her ears.

Her eyes were closed and she was panting a little, surrendering to Dana. Scully moved up to lay beside her, brushing the hair out of Stella’s face before she turned her head to look at Dana. She let her fingertips wander along the outlines of Stella’s curves, leaving goosebumps in her wake. They moved at turtle speed, their naked bodies only inches apart. Scully felt the warmth in her lower belly, the pleasure slowly building when Stella teased her with her fingers. She felt the warmth when she ran her fingertips through her slick folds, when Stella’s breath felt hot on her face and a fine layer of sweat covered her flushed skin. 

She never took her eyes off Stella, breathing open-mouthed kisses against her lips when her body stilled and the orgasm washed over her. She came quietly, clinging to Dana until it slowly ebbed off. She followed not long after, panting in silence without moving away from Stella. 

Only when she rolled on her back exposing her glistening skin to the cool air, did she pull Stella with her. They kissed for a little while longer before Stella put her head on Dana’s shoulder, lingering in the soft afterglow. 

The panting subsided, their bodies slowing down again and all of a sudden Scully felt like she could breathe again. 

„I’m sorry I hurt you,“ Scully whispered after a little while, her hand absent-mindedly playing with Stella’s hair. 

„I feel like I should be saying the same,“ Stella said and propped herself up on her elbow; Scully shook her head. 

„I’m glad you did,“ she said.

She knew it would continue to hurt a little while longer but she understood why Stella had made these choices and what she had intended to achieve and she knew that she would have done the same thing. 

„Thank you for being honest with me,“ Scully said. 

„I was scared,“ Stella said, her hand softly touching Dana’s cheek. 

„Me too.“

„I thought I was… doing the right thing but it seemed so wrong all of a sudden.“

„I understand why you did it,“ Scully said. „I was never angry with you but with… you know.“

„Yes,“ she said and nodded. 

„I was afraid I was going to lose you,“ Stella admitted quietly. It was the same thing she had confessed to Irene not too long ago and it still felt strange and painful. 

„You’re not getting rid of me like this. I won’t go anywhere.“

„Mhm,“ Stella said and at that moment she made a decision that would change the rest of her life and everything she had ever believed in. 

„I won’t let you,“ she said, thinking that she still wouldn’t change a thing but she knew for sure that she would marry Dana one day, should she ever find the courage to ask. 

They had said goodbye to something, and someone, who was no longer just a part of Scully’s life. Her son had inevitably become a part of Stella’s too but it didn’t seem quite so scary anymore. 

She used to be so afraid of goodbyes and of having her heart broken but somehow there was always something new ahead after bidding farewell to a loved one and maybe the new beginning was the woman Scully now held in her arms.  
She was lucky to be loved and love in return, to have people in her life who would pick up the pieces whenever it was needed. At some point she hadn’t been so sure of that and, while there were still times in which she felt lonely, she knew that the reality was different. 

Sometimes this was exactly what you needed and Scully couldn’t stop believing that this would help her rediscover herself somehow and move on. She knew that coming to terms with William’s death was not just a goodbye but a farewell because they wouldn’t see each other again but maybe that was just the way it was supposed to be. 

On the other hand she had said goodbye to her fears and her anger and she wouldn’t stop believing that the happiest endings always started with goodbyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)
> 
> P.S.: There is an English version of that poem, too. I think it's not quite as beautiful as the original but you'll get the idea:  
> [Welcome and Farewell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welcome_and_Farewell)


	34. Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/stellascullybed.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn.telfie/stellascullybed.gif)   
> 

_Then seek not, sweet, the ‘If’ and ‘Why’_  
I love you now until I die.  
For I must love because I love  
And life in me is what you give. 

_[Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her - Christopher Brennan]_

***

There was a sweet scent in the air that put a smile on her face. Scully was too excited to feel tired, happily attempting to put together a birthday cake for Stella. She had never spent much time making cakes and she didn’t count chocolate chip cookies but she had been determined to make a cake for Stella to surprise her.  
When she had been at the grocery store she hadn’t known how exhausting making a cake could be especially when she had no idea what she was doing - or so it felt.  
There was a fine layer of sweat on her skin although she wore nothing but shorts and a tank top; single strands of hair were sticking to her skin and her cheeks were flushed but her spirit never faded and she wanted to finish this before Stella woke up.

Scully was waiting for the coffee to finish and the cakes to chill, the smell of it slowly mixing with the scent of vanilla and the fresh ocean breeze wafting in from the open patio door. They had arrived two nights ago, taking their time to settle in and recover from their latest troubles. Scully poured herself a cup of coffee, checking the icing in the fridge before she sat down on the porch to watch the sunrise. She felt calm and, for the first time in a little while, she felt like she could breathe and let go of everything that had been causing them so much trouble recently. 

She held the cup between both hands and smiled, thinking of the day ahead. She knew that Stella had never cared much about her birthday and had tried her best to pretend it didn’t happen but Scully wanted to make it special, for once she didn’t want it to be sad and disappointing. Scully told herself that the cake would turn out just fine and she had a lovely present that she would give Stella over breakfast. The other one, Scully thought, had to wait until later today and just the mere thought of that made her blush a little, wondering whether she’d be brave enough to go through with it. Quietly she emptied her cup and started to spread the icing on the cake. It wasn’t anything fancy, a simple vanilla cake with vanilla icing, a few sprinkles and a single candle. It was beautiful and Scully was quite happy with the result.

She set the table for breakfast and put the cake in the middle, refilling the cup before she tiptoed into the bedroom where she found Stella still fast asleep. She was lying on her tummy, hugging the pillow but Scully was too excited to let her sleep. She put the cup on the bedside table and crawled onto the bed, hovering above Stella. 

Gently she peppered Stella’s sleep-warm face with feather-light kisses until her lips curled into a smile. She turned away from Scully, groaning with a smile while she buried her face in her pillow. 

„Good morning,“ Scully whispered and kissed her neck. 

„It’s so early,“ Stella said and laughed, then turned around beneath Dana. 

„Happy Birthday, sleepyhead,“ Scully said and kissed her. 

„Thank you,“ Stella said, wrapping her arms around Dana. „I thought we were going to pretend that it doesn’t exist.“

Scully shook her head. 

„I’ll make sure you’ll never forget it.“

„Dana…“

„It’s just the two of us, don’t worry.“

„I think I like that,“ Stella said with a sigh. „You smell sweet.“

„I have a surprise for you.“

„Do we have to get out of bed?“

„Mhm,“ Scully said and leaned in for a kiss. „Maybe we have five more minutes.“

They slowly kissed for a few more moments before Scully sat up and leaned against the headrest, reaching for the cup.

„I brought you coffee.“

„Thanks,“ Stella said and moved to sit beside her. 

She felt warm but she didn’t want to move the covers because she felt so cozy. For years she had ignored this day, had learned not to expect anything to avoid being disappointed and it had worked very well until she had met Dana.   
Stella had always been afraid of her birthday, trying to pretend it was just any other day had kept her safe. She didn’t like being the centre of attention, always felt slightly uneasy and she didn’t even remember the last thing that someone had given her. She hadn’t even had the heart to buy herself a present because that would have been ridiculous. 

She took the coffee and smiled, thinking that this might not be such a dreadful day after all. 

„I have a present for you,“ Scully said, smiling with excitement. 

She still wore the tiny golden bracelet that Stella had given her for her birthday. 

„I thought I already have everything I need.“

Scully chuckled. 

„You know I love you but I’m afraid we’ll have to get out of bed sooner or later.“

„Fair enough,“ Stella said and allowed Dana to pull her up. „I’ll be with you in a minute.“

Stella leaned in for a kiss and Dana happily padded into the open kitchen. It was still quite chilly in here but she thought that they better have some of that cake soon. She sat down and lit the candle, waiting for Stella. 

Stella stepped into the living room where Dana was already waiting and her quiet excitement put a smile on her face. She had told herself not to give a damn and to move on with her life but seeing Dana so happy and caring was incredibly touching and she couldn’t ignore the tiniest spark of happiness inside of her - as strange as it seemed. 

She walked around to where Dana was sitting and sat down in her lap, her arms around Dana’s neck. 

„That’s so lovely,“ Stella whispered, feeling utterly touched against all her expectations. 

„Happy Birthday, love,“ Scully whispered against her lips, kissing her again a little slower this time. 

„Do I have to blow out the candle?“ Stella asked and bit her lip; the candle was getting dangerously close to be drowned in icing. 

„Not without making a wish.“

„Let me think,“ Stella said and pretended to do that exactly. 

She turned towards Dana, one hand gently touching her cheek. It wasn’t like she hadn’t already come up with something, something that had been on her mind for a little while now but she decided to wait a little longer. 

With that Stella took a deep breath, closed her eyes and blew out the candle. 

She gave herself a minute before she opened her eyes, then she saw a small gift waiting by her plate. 

„Go ahead,“ Scully encouraged her and bit her lip; Stella reached across the table, holding it in her hands. 

It still felt strange to accept a gift, she wasn’t used to anyone caring about her enough to bother choosing something nice for her. She still remembered the first thing that Dana had given her last Christmas, not long after they had first met. It was a picture of them in bed, a secret when their future, and what might be, had still been uncertain. 

„Open it,“ Scully said softly, praying that Stella would like her gift.

Slowly, Stella unwrapped the paper until she held a small black box in her hand. She was certain that it must hold some sort of jewelry and all of a sudden Stella’s heart was pounding in her chest and her hands felt clammy. 

_What if?_

Stella briefly thought about a similar box that she kept hidden in the back of her bedside drawer, wondering when the time would be right. 

Scully put her arm around Stella’s midsection, her chin against her shoulder while she waited for Stella to unveil her gift. Inside the box she found a golden necklace that reminded her of the one Dana always wore. She let the gold pour into her palm and held it up. Instead of a cross there was the letter „S“ dangling from one end, it had a tiny diamond embedded at the bottom. 

„That’s beautiful,“ Stella whispered, evidently touched by what she saw and a wave of relief washed through Scully. 

She had noticed how Stella always played with her cross, especially when she was nervous or something was upsetting her. She loved to hold it between her fingers and make sure it was in the right place before Scully left the house. 

Now Stella had her own to hold on to and to remind her of how far she had come and that there would be someone waiting for her at home. 

„Do you like it?“

„Yes,“ Stella whispered and stared at the necklace in her hand; for a brief moment her vision blurred in front of her. 

„May I?“ Scully said and took the necklace from Stella. 

She turned around and Scully put it around her neck while Stella held up her hair. For a moment the metal felt cool on her skin, a tiny bit of weight that created an unusual feeling against her skin. She reached for the letter and turned it around before she put her arms around Dana’s neck and her forehead against hers. 

„Are you okay?“ Scully whispered, sensing that Stella had been quiet during the last few moments. 

„Yes,“ she whispered. „Thank you so much. I’m just feeling… a little overwhelmed,“ she said and buried her face in Dana’s neck. 

„We don’t have to do anything. It’s just the two of us.“

„I’ll be okay.“

„You gotta try my cake though.“

Stella stretched her arm, running a fingertip through the icing. 

„Hey,“ Scully said with a smile before Stella brought the finger to her lips, spread it and kissed it away. 

„I love it.“

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed between kisses until the sweet taste of vanilla disappeared between their tongues. 

„Thank you,“ Stella said again and cupped Dana’s face with both hands. „Thank you for everything.“

***

„Do you remember the last time you actually celebrated your birthday?“ Scully asked carefully over breakfast.

Stella shook her head. 

„I learned not to expect much a long time ago. It always made me sad, I ended up feeling disappointed each year and then I just didn’t care any longer,“ she said slowly and licked a bit of vanilla icing off her finger. 

„It wasn’t special and I didn’t care.“

Scully thought about her own birthdays. While she had never been keen on celebrating it herself Mulder had usually made sure that they didn’t forget about it no matter where they had been working that day. 

„I never knew who to celebrate with,“ Stella explained. „It’s not like I had friends.“

„We should do it when we get home.“

„I don’t know.“

„Just a small dinner with a few people,“ Scully suggested. „It doesn’t have to be a birthday dinner… just a few nice people and food.“

„Like yours?“

„Yes, that was nice.“

„Only if it ends like yours,“ Stella said with a twinkle in her eye; Scully chuckled - if only Stella knew. 

„Whatever you like.“

„I think I’m okay with that,“ Stella said with a sigh.

„Perfect,“ Scully said. „So… what would you like to do today?“

Stella shrugged. 

„I don’t know,“ Stella said and turned her head, the cool morning breeze caressing her face. She didn’t know what she wanted or what it was that people usually did on their birthdays. 

„We could go swimming,“ Scully suggested. 

„I can’t remember the last time I actually did that,“ Stella said. She used to swim laps at a local swimming pool but she had never considered going in just for fun, especially not in the ocean. 

„Neither do I.“

„I’m pretty sure it’s very cold.“

„I’ll keep you warm.“

Stella raised an eyebrow at her and smiled. 

„Okay,“ she said and sipped her coffee. „Swimming it is.“

***

The sun was blazing when they sat on the porch a little while later. The wind was strong but the waves weren’t too bad and Stella thought there was no way to talk Dana out of actually going in.

„Here we go,“ Scully said and sat down behind Stella with a bottle of sun blocker in her hands. 

The oil faintly smelled of coconut and felt soft on Stella’s skin. Scully took her time spreading it on Stella’s shoulders, her back and her arms. She ran her hands along the warmed skin, gently pushing the straps of her bikini top aside. She couldn’t resist teasing a little, leaning in to kiss the soft skin of her neck until Stella squirmed in her arms. 

She hummed and leaned against Dana.

„Ready to go?“ Stella said and pulled Dana to her feet; she was actually excited now. 

The sand was warm and soft beneath her feet, the wind felt cool and the water was sparkling in front of her; it had a light turquoise color and Stella wondered whether it had always been like that.

„Is this what normal people do?“ Stella asked and put her arms around Dana. They were floating in the shallow water with the sun shining down on them. 

„I wouldn’t know,“ Dana said and laughed. „But I like this.“

She kept Stella pressed against her own body, her arms crossed behind Stella’s neck. She saw a few other people, happily sunbathing in the distance but apart from that they seemed to be pretty much on their own. 

They stayed like this for a while just talking, kissing and floating in the water until Scully started to feel chilled. 

„I think I need to warm up a little.“

„What about keeping me warm?“ Stella said and raised an eyebrow at Dana before she laughed. „Come on.“

They returned to the porch and Stella was grateful for their own little sanctuary, hidden from view and away from the few tourists sunbathing at the beach. Her skin felt sticky and she tasted the salt on the tip of her tongue, wondering how much better it would taste if she licked it off Dana’s body.

Scully wrapped a towel around her body, trying to shield her damp skin from the wind. She padded into the kitchen, leaving sand and drops of water in her wake but she didn’t care. There were times in her life when she wouldn’t even have thought about drinking before 5pm but no one would hold her back now and they were on vacation after all. 

She fixed them both a caipirinha, feeling pretty happy with herself when she carried their glasses outside. Stella was lounging in the shade, looking pretty gorgeous in her dark blue bikini, wearing sunglasses with her freckles glistening on her sun-kissed face. 

Scully straddled her and handed her a drink. 

„You never cease to amaze me,“ Stella said and sipped her drink. She usually preferred whiskey or wine but the sour and sweet taste of her drink was refreshing.

„It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere,“ Scully said and laughed. „Happy Birthday!“

***

„Hey,“ Stella said when she had finished most of her drink. „You want some?“

She held a slightly crushed piece of lime between her teeth, waiting for Dana to take it. 

„That’s not Tequila,“ Scully laughed. „But I bet you do taste salty.“

Dana leaned in, her lips brushing against Stella’s for a taste of sour lime before she moved to her neck. With every kiss she tasted a bit more until she reached the valley of her breasts and Stella laughed. 

„Mhm, it works,“ Scully said more to herself. „You want another one?“

„Are you trying to get me drunk?“

„Do you have other plans?“ Scully asked when went back to the kitchen, feeling a little too warm all of a sudden. 

She wasn’t sure whether it was just the weather or something that she had planned for tonight. She hadn’t been able to think about it and her feelings had always been a combination of excitement, arousal and embarrassment that threatened to keep her from going through with it. Maybe, she thought, the drinks weren’t such a bad thing after all she just had to make sure they wouldn’t just pass out in a couple of hours. 

Where would the fun in that be?

Stella didn’t know if it was her third or fourth drink when she started to feel light-headed and fuzzy. She couldn’t help but smile, getting lost in the moment. She had just emptied another glass when Dana lazily kissed the swell of her breasts, her lips brushing against the warmed skin. 

„Do you like that?“

„Mhm,“ Stella hummed and sighed when Dana’s fingers traced the outlines of her hips and the soft underside of her breasts. 

Scully had meant to save that for tonight but she was enjoying herself way too much to stop now. It was her birthday after all and maybe taking the edge of a little would get them to where she wanted them to be tonight. 

She pushed the fabric of Stella’s bikini top aside, leaning in to suck her dark nipples, circling and sucking the sensitive skin until Stella squirmed beneath her. 

„Dana,“ she whispered, her resistance slowly fading. „There are people down there,“ she breathed but couldn’t keep the amusement out of her voice. 

„Be quiet then,“ Scully said without backing off. 

She pushed herself off Stella’s lap and kneeled in front of the chair, positioning herself between Stella’s parted legs. She looked down at Dana through her sunglasses with her flushed cheeks and mischief in her eyes. 

Dana made quick work of her bikini bottoms, sliding the damp fabric down her legs and Stella couldn’t believe that this was happening. She couldn’t help but laugh, no she actually giggled because she was a bit drunk, at the whole situation. Dana was about to go down on her in the middle of the day, in bright daylight with people walking past their place while she was holding a drink in her hand. 

She ate her out slowly, never taking her eyes off Stella while she tried to be quiet. Stella bit her lip at the feeling of Dana’s soft tongue against her swollen pussy, trying to stay still. She sucked and nipped, teased and licked; she pushed two fingers inside and explored the velvet walls, relishing in the feeling and the familiar taste. Stella’s chest was heaving, more flushed than it had been before. She bit her hand, trying to keep herself from moaning out loud while the warm pleasure emanated from her center until it flooded her entire body, curling her toes. She arched into the contact, increasing the friction against Dana’s merciless mouth and a fine layer of sweat covered her heated skin. 

Scully moved up, capturing Stella’s lips in a messy kiss. It tasted of lime, salt and Stella, causing her to hum into the contact. Scully smiled cheekily between sloppy kisses and reached for her glass, emptying it.

„Cheers,“ she said and threw her head back on a laugh; Stella thought she had never loved her more than she did now. 

„You are so naughty,“ Stella whispered and put her glass aside, putting her arms around Dana’s sweaty skin. „I think I need to cool off a little…“

„Wanna go swimming again?“

„Yes,“ she said and reached for her panties, making sure everything was back in place before they ran into anyone. 

Stella tried to take it slow when they walked, or better said stumbled, towards the water while trying to keep their composure. Stella sat down in the shallow water where the waves broke and let it wash over her warm body. Scully dropped down in the wet sand beside her, feeling a little dizzy but utterly entertained.

She leaned back and laid down, letting the water wash over them and Stella couldn’t help but feel relieved when the cool water engulfed her swollen private parts. She laid in the sand beside Dana, both softly laughing to themselves. 

„I think I’m drunk,“ she finally admitted, not even caring about her hair any longer. She had meant to keep it dry earlier but that had been thrown overboard by the time she had downed her third drink. 

The sun was low and hot and she could’t care less about anything else going on around them. She was having a great time and she wouldn’t let anyone or anything ruin that now. Once their laughter had subsided they both grew quiet, trying to catch their breaths in the shallow water. 

Stella propped herself up on her elbows and turned on her side, smiling at Dana. 

„No,“ Scully said when Stella’s fingertips brushed against the hem of her bikini bottoms. „There are people everywhere.“

Stella looked around. 

„No one is paying attention to us.“

„I’ll end up with sand in the most terrible places,“ Scully laughed but it didn’t do much to put Stella off. 

She slipped her hand beneath the fabric, lazily teasing her clit without paying a lot of attention to Dana but observing their surroundings instead. 

It didn’t take long for Dana to come, turning towards Stella when the orgasm washed over her along with the gentle waves of the ocean; Stella looked mighty pleased with herself. 

„This is crazy,“ Scully said and laughed; her head was still spinning and she thought she needed to get out of the sun for a while and have some cold water. „Wanna go in?“

Stella nodded and they actually swam in the ocean for a bit, letting the waves carry them before it was time to cool down a little. Scully hadn’t realized how tired she was until she dropped down on the bed in the cool and dark bedroom, holding a chilled bottle of water to her forehead. 

„I always forget how exhausting summer can be.“

„You’re just drunk,“ Stella said and took off the wet swimwear before she fastened a fresh towel around her body and dropped down next to Scully. It didn’t take long for both of them to doze off and sleep away the afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	35. Where The Passion Flower Grows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s14.postimg.cc/e8rte829t/I_Am_Scully_35.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s14.postimg.cc/e8rte829t/I_Am_Scully_35.gif)   
> 

_Lay down on your pillow_  
_and turn the lights down low_  
_let me take you to the garden_  
_where the passion flower grows_

_Close your eyes and enter dreams_  
_as love's emotion sets the scene_  
_and flitters through the garden_  
_where the passion flower grows_

_Touch the tender petals_  
_of the flower as she grows_  
_a tentative endeavour_  
_as your feelings overflow_

_Let me draw you to the place_  
_where ecstasy can be embraced_  
_the beauty of the garden_  
_where the passion flower grows_

_Feel your mind exploding_  
_in the heavy scented air_  
_experience the shiver_  
_as your captured unaware_

_A little touch of heaven_  
_where imagination flows_  
_the valley in the garden_  
_where the passion flower grows._

_[Where the passion flower grows - Charles M. Moore]_

***

Stella woke up, not sure how long they had been asleep or whether there was still any daylight left. She felt slightly dehydrated though she couldn’t stop smiling when she remembered what had caused them to drop out like this in the middle of the day.

She felt the faint traces of dried sea water and sun blocker on her skin, dying to hop into the shower and wash it all off. Her skin felt warm to the touch and she was certain they had both caught a bit of sun earlier. Stella peeled herself out of the thin sheets and padded into the kitchen for a cold drink. She was still naked except for the towel that she had fastened around her body a little earlier.  
It was almost 6.30pm and the sun was low, its light slowly changing though it had lost none of its intensity. She sipped a bit of cold water while she nibbled at the last bits of the small birthday cake when she remembered that they intended to go out for dinner later. 

As much as she wanted to let Dana sleep but she knew they would never make it out of the house if they didn’t get started now. Sleeping it off had done a good job of sobering her up but she slowly started feeling famished so Stella opened the blinds a little, letting the sun in. 

She walked into the bathroom, ignoring Dana’s half-hearted protest, and stepped into the shower. Stella sighed at the feeling of warm water, washing away the salt and smiled when Dana joined her. 

„How are you feeling?“ Scully asked and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

„Hungry,“ Stella said and laughed. 

„I’m still trying to wake up.“

„I feel you,“ Stella said and closed her eyes. „So, we’re still going out for dinner? I was counting on you to take me out for my birthday.“

„Nothing I’d rather do,“ Scully said and reached for the body wash.

***

About an hour later Stella sat on the porch, watching the fading daylight. The wind was cool on her warm skin but not unpleasant; she smelled of lavender body wash and lotion, feeling perfectly at ease with herself.

„Do you wanna take the car?“ Scully asked and stepped outside. 

„I think we should walk,“ Stella said with a smile. 

She looked over her shoulder, looking pretty adorable in her simple black summer dress with her freckles shining on her face and the small touch of makeup that she had applied to her face. 

„If you are up for it.“

„Sounds good to me,“ Scully said and held out her hand. 

They held their flats in their hands while they walked along the beach; Stella held Dana’s hand, still feeling calm and safe. 

Scully looked at her, remembering what she had planned for tonight. Something about the whole thing still unsettled her, made her feel nervous and slightly embarrassed. 

Maybe, she thought. She needed a bit more wine to go through with it and maybe she needed to stop worrying so much and just go with it. 

„Can I ask you something?“ Scully said after a little while because there was something else that wouldn’t leave her alone. 

„What is it?“

„I was just wondering,“ Scully said and took a deep breath, trying to find the right words without hurting Stella’s feelings. „What happened between you and your mother?“

Stella looked at her feet, taking a deep breath. She had always known that it would come up sooner or later, she just had never been in the mood to talk about it. 

„You don’t have to tell me,“ Scully said with a hint of an apology in her words. 

„No, it’s just… I don’t even know where to start,“ Stella said and they kept walking. 

Stella had ignored the problem for so many years, pretending it hadn’t happened that it sometimes felt like she didn’t even know what had gone wrong. Every now and then she thought that it probably wasn’t so bad after all until she remembered all the pain she had felt during her childhood years. 

„It’s okay. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.“

„It just feels so strange,“ Stella began. „Sometimes it feels like she never existed as if she died decades ago like my father.“

„I’m sorry,“ Scully said, wishing she hadn’t brought it up in the first place. 

„We were just so… similar,“ Stella explained, trying to remember what it had been like. „I think that has been the problem for me. I have memories of people telling me that I look like my mother time and time again and I hated it,“ she said and laughed softly. 

„I didn’t want to be like her,“ Stella said. „I always thought that I don’t look like her at all and I didn’t understand.“

„So,“ Scully said. „Do you look like her?“

„As much as I hate to admit that, yes I do.“

They kept walking with the cool water washing around their feet. 

„It has been really difficult, especially since my father’s death. She was so busy with herself and her own life that it didn’t matter what I was up to.“

„But you were so young.“

„I guess she didn’t care back then. I was living with her until I was old enough to live on my own but it wasn’t nice and domestic… we were both minding our own business and she never seemed to be interested in anything I did.“

Scully felt gloomy all of a sudden. She couldn’t even fathom what it must have been like for Stella. She pictured a young girl who had just lost her father, desperately trying to cope with no one to lean on while her mother had given up on her. 

Her heart was aching when she remembered the long-faded scars on the insides of Stella’s thighs; she had always wondered what had driven Stella to take such drastic matters but it slowly started to make sense, the puzzle pieces finally putting themselves together. 

„I was so angry at first,“ Stella said softly. „But after a while it turned into quiet resignation and I had learned to take care of myself. I didn’t need her any longer, I didn’t even want it. I didn’t feel like sharing my thoughts and secrets with her and I started living my own life. I moved away and we both minded our own business.“

„You never see her?“

Stella shook her head. 

„She calls every other month, usually on my birthday but to be fair I haven’t even checked my phone all day. It just feels like she is no longer a part of my life and I never had the desire to share anything with her. Most of the time I felt sad and angry after talking to her.“

„I understand,“ Scully said softly. „She let you down.“

„There’s nothing I can do about it now.“

„I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.“

„Don’t worry, Dana,“ Stella said. „It’s okay. I just don’t want to talk about it, not today. It’s been a wonderful day and I don’t want these memories to ruin it.“

Scully looked at her feet again, biting her lip to suppress a smile.

„You’re right,“ Scully said and cleared her throat. 

Stella stopped in front of her and cupped Dana’s face with both hands, kissing her once. 

„Promise me not to worry about it any longer.“

„I do,“ Scully said and sighed. 

She saw the boardwalk in the distance, knowing that they would be at the restaurant soon. The truth was that she was even more antsy about getting home later.

***„You look like you’re lost in thoughts,“ Stella said when she stepped onto the porch, handing Dana a glass of wine. 

Daylight was long gone and the sun had set, the air had cooled down a little and they were enjoying a chilled glass of wine after a lovely and quiet birthday dinner. 

„Please tell me you’re not thinking about what I said earlier,“ Stella said and sat down behind Dana, hugging her. 

„No,“ Scully said and chuckled and sipped her wine. 

„It’s been a wonderful day,“ Stella said and kissed the exposed skin of her shoulder. „Thank you for everything.“

„Who said it was over already?“ Scully said and turned a little in her arms. „I still have one more surprise for you,“ she whispered against her lips, knowing that there was no going back now, not without making a fool of herself. 

Stella raised an eyebrow at her, a curious smile on her lips. 

„Care to tell me what it is?“ Stella asked and put her glass aside, wrapping her arms around Dana’s midsection. 

„But that would spoil the surprise, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait just a little while longer.“

„Are you teasing me, Miss Scully?“

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed and leaned back against Stella. „How about we finish our wine first?“ she suggested, knowing that she would need it. 

She didn’t know why she was so nervous in the first place, it wasn’t such a big deal after all. At least that’s what she kept telling herself but she hadn’t been able to shake off the nervousness all day. 

„That shouldn’t be a problem,“ Stella said and finished off her glass and Scully couldn’t help but laugh. „Now what?“

Stella had suspected that there was something on Dana’s mind, she had seemed a little too distracted with something but she hadn’t made a move to share what was on her mind. She still had no clue what it might be but something told her, or at least was hoping, that whatever Dana had in mind would happen in the confines of their bedroom. 

Scully took a deep breath, leaned in and whispered in Stella’s ear:

„Go to the bedroom and take your clothes off. Wait for me.“

She felt her own heart hammer inside her chest but she tried to remain calm. Stella looked surprised for a second but she decided to do as she was told without saying another word. She knew that Dana wasn’t quite as innocent but it always took a bit of a gentle nudge in the right direction and she didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. 

It took every bit of strength that Dana had left not to follow Stella into the bedroom and make her wait a little; she took her sweet time finishing her glass of wine, picturing what Stella was up to in the bedroom.

***

Scully left their empty glasses in the kitchen, her hands feeling strangely clammy. She tried to take slow breaths, shaking off the nervous feeling while she stepped into the bedroom. She leaned against the doorframe, quietly observing the scene in front of her.

Stella was laying on top of the covers, spread out in all her naked glory like the goddess she was. Scully hadn’t been precise about her orders nor did she feel like she had thought this through properly but she was happy that Stella decided to play along. 

Scully knew that such a command from any other person would have fallen on deaf ears. She admired how confident and unfazed Stella seemed; her eyes curiously following Scully when she walked around the bed to light the candle she had left there a few hours ago. The soft glow it cast into the semi-dark room was soothing and the dancing flame highlighted the soft glow of Stella’s smooth skin. 

She leaned over, hovering above Stella to kiss her once. It was a slow, lingering kiss that left her aching for more.  
„Do you trust me?“ she asked, knowing the answer already she just had to make sure they were both comfortable with it. 

„You already know the answer to that question,“ Stella said softly. 

„Answer my question.“

„Yes, I trust you.“

„Good,“ Scully said and reached out to adjust the small golden letter of Stella’s necklace in a familiar manner, smiling softly. „Close your eyes, I’ll be with you in a minute.“

Scully stepped away from the bed and, without looking back, she walked into the bathroom. The door shut with a soft click, leaving Scully in deafening silence. She stood in front of the mirror, regarding her own reflection before she smiled and looked away with a hint of embarrassment on her face. 

„This is ridiculous,“ she whispered, not sure whether she was referring to what she had planned or the way she felt about it.

Slowly she stripped out of her dress and reached for her bag. The dark blue negligé she had chosen for the occasion worked well with her hair and her eyes and it was just long enough to cover her ass, making her feel a little more confident for what was to come. The fabric was soft and cool on her skin and she’d lie saying that she didn’t admire how that single piece of clothing lifted her breasts, making for a gorgeous cleavage. Scully tied back her hair, getting rid of one more thing to worry about. 

She put both hands on the edge of the sink, trying to calm her raging nerves. She felt the warmth within her, simmering in her belly like a spark waiting to be lit. Scully closed her eyes and remembered the moment of excitement she had felt when she had purchased it, the embarrassment had come a little later when she didn’t feel quite so confident any longer. 

She pushed her panties off and reached for the box, unwrapping the strap-on dildo that she had bought in a spur-of-the-moment decision shortly after they had left Belfast. She held it in her hand, the black fabric feeling strangely soft, before she stepped into the harness and decided not to worry about it any longer. She knew she would be nervous until she saw Stella’s reaction; nothing would make it go away now.  
She tried to think of pleasuring Stella and how turned on she had been when she first thought about it. She felt an undeniable wave of arousal rushing through her when she put the toy in place, barely concealed by the piece of clothing that was covering her body, and entered the bedroom. 

„Stella?“ she asked softly, making sure that she hadn’t fallen asleep. 

„Mhm,“ Stella hummed, still keeping her eyes closed. 

Stella had been listening the entire time, had been trying to figure out what was happening but there was not a single sound that had disturbed the silence so she was left to deal with her wild thoughts. She had promised to keep her eyes closed although that had cost her a great deal of strength. She had never been one to stay put and play along but it was different with Dana. She had rubbed her thighs together, the feeling of not knowing was as unsettling as it was arousing. She knew that she was wet already, waiting for what was to come. A wave of relief had lifted that uneasy feeling off her when she heard Dana’s voice and few seconds later the bed shifted a little when she joined her. 

„Keep your eyes closed,“ Scully whispered and Stella whined in quiet protest.  
„Just a little while longer or it’ll spoil your surprise,“ Scully said, laying beside Stella. 

She could feel the warmth of her body, smelled her perfume and yet she seemed out of reach. It drove Stella crazy, the urge to touch her tingling in her fingertips. 

She took a deep breath and Dana kissed her slightly parted lips, teasing Stella with the tip of her tongue. She felt Stella’s nipples harden beneath her hands when she cupped her breasts and kissed the soft skin between them, moving further down while she left a trail of kisses in her wake. 

Stella sighed softly and Scully looked up, making sure that Stella’s eyes were still closed. The feeling of the harness was strange but every now and then it all brushed against her lightly throbbing clit, sending a soft buzz through her. The dildo was pressed into the mattress, out of sight out of mind if only for a moment when she spread Stella’s legs and settled between them. 

She dipped her tongue into the glistening wetness, relishing in the familiarity, tasting and teasing until Stella moaned softly above her. Scully licked her luscious folds, lazily sucking at her swollen clit. 

Stella felt the arousal gushing from her center, the warmth spreading to every part of her body. She fought to keep her eyes closed, focussing on the feeling of Dana’s tongue. Her chest was heaving and a fine layer of sweat covering her skin when two fingers slowly pushed into her. 

Scully’s fingers moved slowly; she didn’t want her to come just yet. She watched her in silent adoration while she fingered her, watching her face as it contorted with pleasure. She stopped every time she thought Stella was getting a little too close to her sweet release, earning sounds of protest each time. She withdrew her fingers after a while, bringing them to Stella’s lips. Watching her suck her own juices off her fingers never failed to turn her on and Scully kissed her almost desperately. 

She was feeling more confident with every touch, hovering above Stella this time. She tried to move slow, brushing the dildo against Stella’s swollen crotch on purpose. Stella held her breath at the unfamiliar sensation though it didn’t take long to figure out what was going on, her lips curling into a smile and a fresh wave of arousal gushing from her center. 

Scully moved her hips a little, the dildo brushing against Stella’s swollen folds once more, causing her eyes to flutter open. She hovered above her, their faces only inches apart. 

„You are so naughty,“ Stella whispered in a low voice; she put a hand in Scully’s neck and pulled her into a hungry kiss. She moaned into her mouth when she felt the toy against her clit.

„Look at me,“ Scully whispered, her voice slightly trembling.

Scully leaned back on her heels, sitting between Stella’s legs with the strap-on between her own. She kept her eyes on Stella and bit her lip, her right hand slowly stroking the toy. 

„Shit, that’s so hot,“ Stella whispered, her eyes dark with arousal. 

„You think so?“ 

„Yes,“ Stella breathed and spread her legs a little wider. „Come here.“

She pulled Dana on top, slowly french kissing until they were forced apart by the desperate need for oxygen. Stella fondled her breasts through the soft silk, coaxing a throaty moan from her lips. Scully leaned back a little, her clit throbbing almost painfully, dying to be touched. 

„Fuck me, Dana,“ Stella whispered, almost begged when she couldn’t take it any longer. 

Scully sat back on her heels, stroking the cock a few times, coating it with Stella’s arousal before she positioned it at her entrance. She guided it slowly with one hand, pushing her hips into Stella. 

Stella arched her back a little, crying out in pleasure when the fake dick glided into her, slowly filling her swollen pussy. Scully watched the point where they were joined, moving her hips. She pushed the dildo in a little deeper with each thrust until they reached a slow rhythm and Stella wrapped her legs around Scully when she hovered above her. 

Scully couldn’t stop watching Stella while she drove into her, a little faster this time. Stella writhed and squirmed beneath her, quietly urging her to fuck her a little harder. 

„Oh yes,“ Stella breathed, her lips parted on a strangled moan. 

The sensation of being filled like this filled her with great pleasure and the thought of Dana being the one to give her that was almost too much to handle. She closed her eyes again, overwhelmed by the intensity of it all. She knew it wouldn’t take long for her to come; it was agonizing but greatly anticipated at the same time. 

She heard the sound of her own moans echoing through the room and she cried out loud when Dana’s lips wrapped around her overly sensitive nipple, her hand find its way between their slick bodies. She found the plump bundle of nerves, rubbing it in circles while she moved her hips a little harder now. 

„Oh God… right there,“ she breathed and it almost sounded like a cry. 

Stella came hard and fast, her arms and legs wrapped around Dana; her fingers dug into the sweaty skin of her back, trying to find something to hold onto. 

Scully kissed her until she calmed down, peppering her parted lips with open-mouthed kisses; Stella’s chest was heaving, her body trembling slightly until she came down. Scully carefully put her weight on top of Stella, withdrawing from her. 

A part of her was aching to get rid of the harness as she wanted to cuddle up to Stella and feel her skin on skin without anything between them but the other part of her didn’t care. She was still aching for her release but seeing Stella so content in her post-orgasmic bliss was all she needed at the moment. 

She felt Stella’s lips on her neck, gently nibbling at the soft skin and Scully sighed. 

„I want to make you come,“ Stella whispered in her ear; she knew that it wouldn’t take long and that Dana would be dying to and she knew exactly how she wanted to do it. 

„Take it off,“ Stella whispered and Dana climbed off the bed. She felt a little unsteady on her feet but stepped out of the harness under Stella’s watchful gaze. She knew she wanted to fuck Dana with that thing sooner or later but not tonight. 

„Get up here,“ Stella whispered, knowing exactly what she wanted when Stella moved down a little. 

Scully straddled her face, leaving her aching pussy entirely at Stella’s mercy. It only took a few skilled strokes of Stella’s tongue until she came, her legs quivering on either side of Stella’s face. 

„Do you like your gift?“ Scully asked between kisses a few moments later.

Stella leaned against the headrest with Dana straddling her; they were kissing and caressing each other, lulled in by the quiet afterglow. 

„I loved it,“ Stella said and kissed the corner of her lips. „Was that why you were so nervous earlier?“

„You have no idea,“ Scully said and put her forehead against Dana’s. „I was terrified.“

Stella laughed.

„I love you so much,“ Stella whispered, still feeling a little light-headed. „And it was so damn hot.“

„I’m glad you liked it,“ Scully said and kissed her once more; it didn’t take long for them to fall asleep, wrapped up in each others arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	36. Such Is The Passion The Want Of Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s9.postimg.cc/5b52734z3/stellascully236.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s9.postimg.cc/5b52734z3/stellascully236.gif)   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Smut only this time. You've been warned. Enjoy. Thank you for your help [ScullyGolightly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullyGolightly/pseuds/ScullyGolightly)

_Such is the passion the want of desire_  
_To burn in the heart with fingers of fire_  
_Wet lashes wrapped up, in a sweet velvet rose_  
_To follow your heart where ever it goes_

_Such is the passion the heart strings to pull_  
_That the cup runneth over, with emotions so full_  
_To send you to heaven, the stars and above_  
_To make senses reel in the sweet dance of love_

_Such is the passion in the depths of ones soul_  
_Infuses ones mind and the dreams in the role_  
_Of a lovers sweet kisses, to imprint its mark_  
_Of secret assignations alone in the dark_

_Such is the passion the fire inside_  
_Shines forth from the eyes, with nowhere to hide_  
_Yet the heart and the mind, will tumble and fall_  
_If signals mistaken, will then wither and stall._

_[„Such is the passion the want of desire“ - Graham Jones]_

***

Dana was still slumbering when Stella came to her senses. She was dozing with her eyes closed, listening to the soft sound of her lover’s breath as she inhaled and exhaled with slightly parted lips, her chest rising and falling evenly.  
Stella felt peaceful, engulfed by the warmth and the silence of an early summer morning; the sun was gently caressing her sleep-warm face, bathing the room in a soft glow.

For a brief moment she thought that something was missing but after several moments of pondering over what it might be she took a deep breath and let it go. 

Maybe, she thought. It was the sadness that was gone. 

For once she didn’t feel gloomy and sad after her birthday. It didn’t feel quite as frightening as it used to, quietly reminding her that another year had passed and yet nothing had changed. This time was different and maybe it was time for her to accept that things had changed, were starting to change for the better most of the time. Every now and then Stella had thought that she couldn’t accept the changes, thinking that it wouldn’t last or that she didn’t deserve it. 

What did she have if it wasn’t for the constant fear of failure and the sadness to nurture her? She had got used to the emptiness, had learned to fill it so that it was scary to imagine not living with it. What would she do and how was she supposed to fill it?

She opened her eyes and turned on her side, the sight of Dana’s bright red hair glistening in the morning sun warmed her heart, the memories of last night slowly invading her dreamy thoughts.  
It was then that Stella knew the answer and that she had started to fill the void inside of her a long time ago; she had started in September the previous year when she had asked a stranger into her home.  
She couldn’t believe that almost a year had passed and how much had happened in both of their lives; Stella had never been more grateful for moments like this. Sharing a bed with such a wonderful woman, not fighting the urge to get up and make a run for it as soon as she opened her eyes in the morning, no more sleeping with strangers and quietly beating herself up for it whenever she felt weak. Nothing would ever be worth going back to such a place because she finally had everything she needed and there would be so much more. 

She still couldn’t say it out loud, it sounded strange to her own ears but she knew it deep inside.  
A part of her had always been afraid to be happy, telling herself that nothing good ever lasted long. There had always been a small voice inside her head whispering that happiness didn’t last and that it could easily be shattered in a matter of seconds. Stella had manipulated herself, making herself believe that she didn’t need all the nonsense because she had been terrified of being rejected, disappointed and hurt. 

Admitting to being happy suddenly provided a difference, something that she had yet to get used to and accepting that committing to one person did not limit her life in any way. 

There had been a long period in her life in which she had strongly believed that she wasn’t worthy of any kind of happiness, when she had constantly punished herself with destructive behavior and a lack of self care and it took her a very long time to understand that happiness didn’t have to be earned. 

Maybe all it took, Stella thought, all it took was another person. 

Her fingertips brushed against Dana’s, carefully reaching for her hand because she didn’t want to wake her just yet. 

She had almost forgotten what it felt like to be happy and at peace with herself and she was more than grateful for Dana who reminded her of that on a daily basis, no matter how challenging things were for them. She reached for the small golden letter dangling from her neck and rolled on her back; it felt warm and soft in her hand.  
It was probably the most thoughtful and touching gift someone had ever given to her and it meant a lot; it would always remind her of Dana when she wasn’t around, much like the bracelet that Stella had given Dana back when things were still a secret. 

She loved that it was still fastened around her wrist and that she never seemed to take it off. Stella couldn’t help but smile when she remembered the second gift, as Dana had loved calling it. 

She unwittingly pressed her thighs together, biting her lip when the images flooded her mind. She had been surprised and excited when she saw what Dana was up to and she couldn’t wait to return the favor. All of a sudden she had an idea, remembering that Dana had stepped out of it last night, leaving it on the floor by the bed. 

Quietly she slipped out of the bed, picked up the harness and disappeared into the bathroom. She refreshed herself, cleaned the toy and wondered whether to wake Dana or let her sleep in. It was still early and they both deserved to do however they pleased, they were still on vacation after all. In the end she decided that she was too excited to wait any longer and they could still spend most of their precious time lounging in the shades, dozing off whenever it suited them. 

She stepped into the harness, putting the toy in place before she covered her body with a short silk robe, returning to the bedroom where Dana was still sleeping soundly. Stella crawled onto the bed, slowly getting used to the strange feeling. She couldn’t quite remember the last time she had actually worn such a thing but she knew that Irene had used it with her a few times, thinking that she was probably more at ease and skilled with it. 

Stella was laying on her side, wondering which position she’d like to try because she hadn’t been capable of making such a decision last night but maybe it was time to stop thinking and just go with it. She wasn’t sure what Dana’s reaction might be; first of all she had to wake her, making sure this was what she wanted. 

She hovered above Dana, their bodies still separated by a thin blanket and a silk robe. Stella’s hands were placed on either side of her body, gently lowering a bit of her weight onto Dana’s sleeping form. She breathed a feather-light kiss against the soft skin of her neck, repeating the action until she had covered every inch that she could reach and Dana slowly woke from her slumber. 

Scully’s senses were slowly roused from sleep, causing her to smile into her pillow and squirm beneath Stella. She briefly remembered what she had done last night, a soft blush creeping into her cheeks but then she thought that Stella hadn’t minded at all and, as far as she could tell with half of her still being asleep, Stella didn’t seem put off at all. 

„Good morning,“ Stella whispered against her skin when she felt Scully stirring. 

Stella kissed her neck, slowly moving to the soft spot behind her ear where the skin was warm and inviting. She nibbled at the skin, sucking and teasing until Scully softly hummed into the pillow before she turned her head a little. 

„I want to be grumpy cause you’re waking me so early but I think I like this,“ she whispered. 

„Good to know,“ Stella replied, leaving gentle kisses in her wake; her lips touching every inch of her spine, pushing the blanket aside. She moved off Dana, sitting between her legs with a mischievous grin on her face. She felt the fabric of the harness and the toy between her legs, brushing against her private parts in a rather delicious way. She waited for Dana to turn around, closely watching her reaction and it didn’t take long for her to break out into a smile. 

„It’s my gift, who said I couldn’t enjoy it?“

Scully bit her lip and propped herself up on her elbows, her fatigue vanishing the moment she realized what Stella was up to. She now found herself in Stella’s position, admiring the same view she’d had a couple of hours ago and it was hotter than she had anticipated. She felt a soft tingle in her lower belly, breathing through her nose while she considered all the possibilities. There was something she had in mind, something she had thought about the moment she had unwrapped the unremarkable parcel three days after ordering the strap-on online. 

She moved forward, pushing herself up on her knees to meet Stella where she was waiting. She didn’t care that she was naked, the blanket sliding off her body. She cupped Stella’s face and kissed her, tenderly pressing her naked form against Stella. She could feel the toy, smiling into the kiss. 

„I was hoping you would,“ Scully whispered, slowly nudging Stella off the bed. 

Scully looked up at her, untying her robe. She sat on the edge of the bed, kissing the skin of her toned tummy before she slid to the floor, kneeling in front of Stella; the robe had fallen off her shoulders already, pooling by their feet.

Scully kissed each hipbone before turned her attention to the fake dick in front of her. She had done it so many times before though it seemed somewhat strange to do it to another woman. She pushed all kinds of worries away and started taking the rubber into her mouth, slowly lubricating it. She moved slowly, taking it deeper into her mouth each time. 

„Shit,“ Stella whispered, feeling slightly dumbfounded until her senses slowly returned to her, more intense than before. 

She looked down at Dana giving her a blowjob and it was such an incredibly hot thing to witness that she thought she was going to burst, her clit swelling a little more every time Scully moved her head. 

Stella tangled her hands in Dana’s hair, holding it back with both hands. She saw her flushed cheeks, her hands working the dildo while kept sucking her off. Stella inhaled slowly; she had meant to be in charge of this but that had quickly slipped from her grasped. She concentrated on the thrill and the arousal that was gathering in her lower belly, allowing the moment to happen a little while longer. 

Scully closed her eyes, a faint hum escaping the back of her throat. Doing this to Stella was just as hot as she had imagined; she felt her pussy swell, the wetness dripping from her center, her clit begging for attention. She was barely able to resist the urge to reach down between her own legs and rub her throbbing clit but she didn’t want to take that away from her, still wanted her to know that she was in charge this time. 

She felt Stella’s hands in her hair, tugging a little harder every now and then but Scully found it rather encouraging. At some point Stella pulled her up, capturing her mouth in a messy kiss with teeth clashing and tongues teasing. Stella kissed her hard, her hand gripping her by the hairline in her neck. Scully tilted her head back, softly moaning when Stella’s mouth met the exposed neck of her skin. 

„Turn around,“ Stella hissed in her ear. „On your knees.“

Scully obeyed, crawling onto the bed with her knees slightly parted. She felt Stella behind her, easily closing the distance between them. Scully felt the moist cock pressing into her back when Stella wrapped her arms around her, pulling her flush against her back. 

Her breath felt hot against her neck, her chest heaving. Stella cupped her breasts, fondling them until Scully arched into the tough. 

„Ungh,“ she breathed through gritted teeth when Stella’s fingers worked her sensitive nipples, bordering on the edge of painful but Scully found herself craving more. One hand travelled to her throat, pulling her back until her head leaned against Stella’s shoulder, leaving her entirely at Stella’s mercy. 

„You like that?“ Stella breathed in her ear and Scully shuddered. 

Stella sucked the soft skin, pretty sure she’d be leaving marks and this time it was exactly what she wanted. Scully turned her head further to meet her for a kiss, swallowing their moans while the pleasure built in her lower belly. 

Stella’s hand travelled to her clit, dipping into the wetness.

„Fuck, you’re so wet,“ Stella breathed, rubbing her clit in slow circles. 

Scully met her hand with each move, trying to increase the friction. Stella reached between them with her free hand where the toy was still pressed against Dana’s back and reached between her legs, pushing two fingers into her to make sure she’d be ready. 

Scully cried out, felt both of Stella’s hands working her slow but deliberate. Her fingers gently exploring the tight walls.

„Oh God…“ Scully cried, trembling in Stella’s arms when she came. 

She bowed down, leaning on her elbows while she tried to catch her breath. It was only a matter of seconds until Stella moved behind her, her tongue running through the slick and swollen folds. 

Scully felt overwhelmed but that slowly started to turn into pleasure, preparing her aching body for another orgasm. Stella leaned above her, the cock against her ass with Stella’s gorgeous tits pressing against her back. She kissed the part between Dana’s should blades once, teasing the skin with her teeth. 

„You want it?“ she asked, trying to control her breathing. 

„Yes,“ Scully almost begged. 

„Tell me,“ Stella said with a smile on her face.

She leaned back on her knees, slowly running the cock through Dana’s swollen folds to make sure it would be ready. 

„I want… I want you to fuck me. Now,“ she breathed and turned her head to the side, her cheek resting against the blanket. Stella gently guided the tip of the dildo into her, giving her a few seconds to get used to the intrusion before she repeated the action, moving in a little deeper with each thrust. 

A strangled moan escaped Dana’s lips when she felt the cock filling her, Stella thrusting into her. Scully fisted the sheets, trying to find something to hold on to while the wetness dripped from her center and the hot pleasure curled her toes. Every coherent thought was wiped from Scully’s mind when Stella hit just the right spot. They soon found their rhythm, with Dana meeting every single thrust. 

Stella felt her own clit ache with need, the material of the harness creating a delicious friction though not enough for her liking. She reached for Dana’s clit, teasing her a little more. As much as he wanted to make her come once more she didn’t want it to end, withdrawing her hand before she would tumble over the edge. 

Her left hand grabbed Scully by the hips while her right hand traced the outline of her spine, her fingernails scratching the slick skin without breaking the skin. She didn’t want to hurt Dana but it rewarded her with a shudder, her moans slowing to a trickle. Stella knew it wouldn’t take much longer, her hand wandering to her ass, gently outlining the curve of it. 

„Fuuuu…“ Scully cried into the pillow when Stella gently slipped a finger into her ass, the blazing pleasure immediately drowning her with a shattering orgasm. Stella pulled out of her, softly giggling into Scully’s shoulder after they slumped onto the bed, trying to gather their wits and catch their breaths. 

Stella stripped off the toy and put it aside, cuddling up to where Dana was still trembling. Scully covered her face with both hands, laughing. It took her a few moments to catch her breath, then she turned towards Stella and kissed her. 

She wanted to say something but her mind was still blank though she still had enough strength to keep going. Without breaking the kiss she pushed Stella on her back, slowly fingering until she got the desperately needed release that she had been craving all morning. 

„Promise me never to hide anything from me,“ Stella whispered a little while later. 

Scully looked up, confused for an instant. Her hand kept drawing slow circles on Stella’s lower back, an everlasting connection that tied them to each other after having spent all morning having sex.

„Never be ashamed of anything,“ Stella clarified. „I want to know what you like and what makes you feel good.“

„In bed or in general?“ Scully asks, playing dumb on purpose. 

„Especially in bed,“ Stella said and laughed, kissing her. 

„Okay,“ Scully nodded, her mind immediately wandering. 

„So,“ Stella said, her hand tracing the outline of her curves. „Is there anything you’d like to share?“

„After everything you just did?“ Scully laughed, her hand lazily motioning to their naked bodies. 

Stella shrugged. 

„Maybe…“

„Just tell me,“ Stella demanded, feeling excited and curious all of a sudden. 

„Right,“ Scully said and leaned in to whisper something in Stella’s ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	37. Where True Love Burns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/55andsrm7/stellascully37.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/55andsrm7/stellascully37.gif)   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for your help [ScullyGolightly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullyGolightly/pseuds/ScullyGolightly)

_Where true Love burns Desire is Love’s pure flame;_  
_It is the reflex of our earthly frame,  
_ _That takes its meaning from the nobler part,  
_ _And but translates the language of the heart._

_[„Desire“ by Samuel Taylor Coleridge]_

_***_

It’d been a week since they celebrated her birthday in their own little sanctuary, hidden from the world and the busy life in London. They had tended to each others needs and recharged their batteries, returning home feeling relaxed and calm.  
It hadn’t been long but it had been more than enough to allow them to catch their breaths after mourning the death of Dana’s child, slowly regaining the strength they would need for whatever was to come. 

Stella had agreed to celebrate her birthday with a little dinner at home, still not knowing what to expect. It wasn’t one of the things she had ever done before, thinking that she didn’t have friends or that it didn’t matter. She had thought about it in the silent confines of their car while she was driving back to London with Dana fast asleep beside her. 

She had never made a fuzz about it because she had meant to avoid disappointment, trying to protect herself from any kind of harm that threatened to throw her off. Maybe she was coming to a point where it didn’t matter how many friends she had to invite to her birthday dinner as long as she was surrounded by the right kind of people, those that made her feel better about herself and helped chase away the shadows that tried to make her feel bad about herself and the world. 

Stella looked around the living room, noticing that not much had changed. 

_Since when?_ She thought. 

Changed since she had let Dana into her life or since they had returned from vacation?

They had prepared food for tonight, the fridge was filled with wine and it was probably everything they needed. She wished that she didn’t feel so nervous; it unsettled her that she did. There was nothing to worry about and Stella wished that her mind wouldn’t try to tell her otherwise. She had handled far worse situations more gracefully before, never allowing anything or anyone to throw her off like that but somehow this felt different.  
She was moving in more personal spheres now, opening up something that she had guarded for so many years, gently peeling off layers of protection every time she tried something new. 

Stella knew that the reason for that was Dana. It was hard to believe that only a year had passed by now because it already seemed to be so much longer. She had never imagined anything like this being remotely possible but it also terrified her that it already felt so natural and familiar because it wasn’t something she was used to.  
She put her wine glass down and walked to the drawer where she kept her secret not-so-secret stash of dark chocolate, knowing that Dana would never look for anything in there.  
She listened carefully, making sure that she was still busy with her makeup before she opened the drawer and reached for a small jewelry box hidden in the back of it. She had recently kept it in the back of her bedside drawer, thinking that it wasn’t such a smart hideout. She had felt nervous, looking for another place to keep it until she finally found something that she was satisfied with.

Stella wasn’t quite the romantic type, or so she thought, and they both knew that but she still wanted to get it right. For the first time in her life Stella thought that this was the one thing she couldn’t screw up. 

She looked over her shoulder, making sure that she was still on her own before she opened the small box, her finger skimming over the cool surface of the engagement ring. She still remembered going to Tiffany’s after work one day, feeling slightly intimidated by the decadence surrounding her. She had never actually used any of the money that she owned and the thought of keeping a small fortune in form of a beautiful ring in the drawer felt a little over the top. She had almost bailed out when she felt overwhelmed and most certainly out of place but in the end she had found the perfect ring for Dana. It was beautiful, a plain silver ring with a sparkling diamond at its center. There was a corresponding wedding ring, decorated with the same small diamonds, that created a perfect match and she couldn’t wait to see Dana wearing it. If only she’d be brave enough to ask.  
Not being with her was something that she couldn’t wrap her head around. She had made a decision a while ago, trying to figure out the right moment; it drove her crazy but she didn’t want it to go wrong. 

Stella had always been strong, dealing with whatever life had thrown at her in her very own way but she thought that she wouldn’t be able to deal with being turned down by Dana so it had to wait a little longer. 

She sighed with that wistful feeling in her chest and closed the box, hiding it when she heard steps behind her. 

„Is everything okay?“ Scully asked, looking as beautiful as ever. 

„Yes,“ Stella said, stepping away from the drawer. 

Scully reached for her, slowly kissing Stella. It would be one of the last intimate moments for tonight; the quiet before the storm. 

„It’s going to be fine,“ Scully said and smiled. „I’ll be here all night.“

„Thank you,“ Stella said, eventually feeling a little calmer.

She pushed the doubts away, not wanting to think of the unspoken proposal while she tried to relax and enjoy herself. She refilled her wine glass and leaned against the counter. 

„You want some?“ Stella asked, offering Dana a bowl of nachos. 

„I’d rather have dinner soon.“

„I’m starving,“ Stella said and laughed. 

„I can see that,“ she replied. „Charlie said he’ll drop by later, he texted saying that he would make it after all.“

„That’s great,“ Stella said with a smile on her face. She had first met him at Dana’s party back in February, knowing that this was also the last time she had seen her brother after being reunited with him after decades. 

„Oh, Dany is coming over too,“ Stella said sipped some of her wine. 

„Belfast-Dany?“

„Yes,“ Stella said. „I saw her at the office this morning. Apparently they’ve sent her to London to work on a case and she dropped by. I asked her if she’d like to come over tonight, thought it’d be nice.“

„Well, there’s enough food for ten people.“

„Oh God, please don’t tell me there’ll be that many…“

Scully laughed. 

„Just the six of us,“ she said. „That should be enough.“

„Yes,“ Stella said and took a deep breath. 

A part of her was still nervous but maybe it would pass with time. Before she had a chance to dwell on any negative thoughts the doorbell rang, announcing their first guests for the night.

***

„You look wonderful,“ Charlie said, hugging his sister when he walked in an hour later. „It’s great to see you again.“

„Thank you,“ she said and smiled. 

„It seems like a lot has changed since your birthday party,“ he said and couldn’t help but smile when he remembered what had happened once they had gone to sleep - or so they thought. 

„Stop it,“ she said, playfully hitting his arm. 

„I wanna hear everything,“ he said before he ignored her to wander off and find Stella. 

Irene was in the kitchen already with her and Elizabeth arrived shortly after, greeting her as warm-hearted as ever. It felt like an eternity of not having seen her dear friend and Scully found herself indulging in the gentle warmth that she seemed to exude, hugging her tightly.

***

„You look so… fucking radiant,“ Irene said and leaned against the counter; Stella rolled her eyes when she opened the fridge. „Compared to the last time I saw you, you were quite miserable back then.“

„Thank you,“ Stella said and poured her a glass of wine. 

„I’m serious,“ Irene said. „Everything okay?“

„Yes,“ Stella said honestly. „It’s been good to get away.“

„How’s Dana doing? You know… after everything that happened.“

„It still hurts but that’s okay. It’ll take time,“ Stella said. 

„I can imagine… I can’t believe she got you to agree with this,“ Irene said and pointed towards the living room and the food.

„Why couldn’t it have been my idea?“

„Oh come on,“ Irene said and laughed. 

„Right,“ Stella agreed and stood beside her friend.“I thought it might not be such a bad idea after all.“

„It isn’t,“ Irene said and tried her wine. „Didn’t we agree on trying to do something a little… more decent every once in a while?“

„It’s so different from getting trashed and fucking around with a stranger.“

„Tell me about it,“ Irene said though they both knew that Irene’s clients, as she liked to call them, were always a bit more peculiar. „It feels so grown up, doesn’t it?“

Stella laughed. 

„That’s lovely,“ Irene said, reaching for the golden necklace that hung around Stella’s neck. 

„It’s my gift,“ Stella said softly; it still touched her deeply every time she saw the golden letter in her reflection. For a brief moment she thought about mentioning the other gift but decided that it wasn’t something to be shared tonight though Irene would probably be utterly delighted by it. 

„Very thoughtful,“ Irene said and put it back in place. „So simple and yet so meaningful. She really loves you.“

„Yes,“ Stella said and put her glass down. 

For a brief moment she wondered whether this was true, what if she just answered the question for herself and not for Dana? While the most reasonable part of her tried to ignore that voice, she found herself giving in to the doubts that constantly rooted within her. 

She was still trying to figure out how to bring up the engagement ring when Scully’s brother Charlie walked in with a smile on his face that she had seen many times before.

***

„It’s been forever,“ Liz said. „How have you been?“

She knew about William and what had happened but from the looks of it the vacation had served them both pretty well; she looked slightly tanned with darker freckles on her face. She was almost radiating and maybe she was finally learning how to be truly happy again. 

„It’s been wonderful to get away,“ Scully said, leading her to the kitchen to get something to drink. „But it’s always nice to come home.“

„I get that,“ Liz said and smiled when she saw Stella. „Stella my dear, happy belated birthday,“ she said, leaving her in no position to stop her when Liz pulled her in for the same gentle hug that she had greeted Scully with. 

„Thank you,“ Stella said, smiling. „I’m glad you could make it.“

„How about a drink?“ Scully asked, thinking that she could use one herself and the kitchen was getting too crowded for her liking. „And then we’ll take it to the living room.“

About an hour later they were all settled in and comfortably gathered around their small coffee table. There was no dining table because they liked to eat in the kitchen and it was usually just the two of them.

***

„Dany,“ Stella said with a smile on her face after opening the door. „I’m glad you could make it.“

„Thanks,“ Dany said and smiled, feeling mildly relieved when Stella hugged her, making that decision for her. She had already dreaded that moment, wondering what to do before she actually rang the doorbell. She’d lie saying she wasn’t surprised at how different Stella appeared to be; there was something gentler about her. 

„Come in,“ Stella urged her and smiled warmly. „You already know Dana,“ Stella said and pointed to the redhead standing not far from them and one by one she introduced her to all the other guests; she slowly found herself relaxing a little.

Dany seemed to be enjoying herself after the initial embarrassing moments. Scully tried to imagine what it must feel like to be at her former boss’ place, celebrating her birthday. She could have refused but instead decided to take Stella up on the offer, knowing what she was getting herself into. She looked happy and Scully was glad that she had decided to come over because she had somehow taken to her since they had met in Belfast. 

Stella leaned back, feeling more relaxed than she had before. She was sure that the wine helped a little. It wasn’t as bad as she had expected it to be but the uncertainty hadn’t faded one bit, it was still lingering within her.

Scully watched them all closely, thinking that it had been the right thing to do but she couldn’t help herself, always keeping an eye on Stella because making her feel good was her very first priority tonight.  
She watched Charlie talking to Irene, fighting a sudden urge to keep them away from each but then she thought that he was old enough to fight his own battles and Irene seemed a little more at ease than Scully had thought she would. She wasn’t quite sure what she had expected to happen, reminding herself that she didn’t know Irene too well after all. Maybe this was the first time she was meeting the real Irene Adler and it was someone she would most certainly get along with. 

„I’m gonna get some more wine,“ Scully said and pushed herself up, reaching for the empty bottle on the table. 

„Let me help you with that,“ Charlie said, following her without another word. 

„You can take some of that to the living room,“ she told her brother when he inspected the plates with finger food. 

„In a minute,“ he said and sat down, putting his elbows on the counter. „But now I wanna hear everything,“ he said and smiled at her. 

For an instant Scully felt a dull pain in her chest, her heart aching when she remembered that she had never told her brother that her son had died let alone that she had been pregnant almost two decades ago. She was certain that her mother must have mentioned it during one of their rare phone calls but that was not what he had been asking for so she took a deep breath and collected herself. 

„Last time I saw you, you were living in Oxford with Mulder, having sex with Stella while he was asleep downstairs and now we’re here.“

„How subtle.“

Scully couldn’t help but laugh, biting her lip when she realized how terrible it actually sounded but then Charlie was serious again. 

„No really,“ he said. „What happened?“

„It wouldn’t have worked out any longer,“ Scully said with a touch of inexplicable guilt and sadness. „It ended a long time ago, it wouldn’t have been right to try to hold on to it.“

„As painful as it is I guess it was the right thing to do,“ he said although he knew almost nothing about their relationship. He had learned that much back in February and it seemed nothing compared to what he was witnessing tonight. 

„It was a bit ugly at first,“ Scully explained and decided to leave their last unceremonious quickie out of it. „Long story short, we argued and I was frustrated and then I just snapped and it was over.“

„Did you ever talk to him again?“

„Yes,“ Scully said. „I went back to get my things so I had to and I wanted to. We’ve been together for so long, I didn’t want to cut him out of my life like that. We talked about it, we still do every other day and it’s slowly starting to feel normal again… as normal as things get.“

„It was the right thing to do,“ Charlie repeated. „I meant what I said earlier. You look wonderful, you look a lot happier than you appeared earlier this year. Stella is a great woman and she seems to be treating you well.“

„Thank you,“ Scully said softly, trying not to get emotional. „Yes, she does. I’m not sure how much you know about Mulder and me and I know that Bill never liked him but he didn’t treat my badly either. It wasn’t always perfect and I ended if for a reason but it wasn’t all bad. Somehow it still hurts that I don’t see him every day, it’s been twenty-five years.“

„I understand,“ he said, somehow learning more about his eldest sister every time he met her, wishing that they saw each other more often. 

He had nothing remotely comparable in his life but he could imagine how hard it must be to step away from something that has been in your life for so many years. He had chosen to turn away from his family, including Dana although he had always looked up to her, for his very own reasons. 

„Will you take this?“ she said and handed him the bottle of wine, then she turned to the fridge and took out a small chocolate cake, hidden in a plain white box. She had bought it around noon, thinking that it would be nice to have a bit of cake, wondering whether Stella had seen it already. 

„I need something sweet now,“ she said while Charlie watched her putting the cake on a plate, decorating it with a single candle. 

„Sounds good.“

She lit the candle, regarded the whole arrangement and picked it up when she seemed satisfied with what she saw and together they carried it to the living room where everyone else was waiting already. 

„Oh, cake,“ Irene said when she saw it, seeming very cheerful all of a sudden. „Does that mean we get to sing ‚Happy Birthday‘ now?“

She knew that Stella would hate it but she couldn’t resist teasing her a little. 

„Oh God no,“ Stella said and laughed. „Please don’t.“

She tried to play it cool but deep inside she was cringing at that thought; there was only so much attention she would be able to bear tonight.

„No one will,“ Scully said with a certain determination, before anyone else had a chance to get into mischief, and put the cake on the table in front of Stella. „But you do get to make a wish.“

„Another one?“ Stella said surprised, a wave of relief washing over her. She smiled at Dana, quietly thanking her. 

„As many as you like,“ Scully said and reclaimed her place beside Stella. 

„Here we go,“ Stella said and closed here eyes before she blew out the candle; it didn’t take long for her to come up with a wish, not that she actually believed in such things but she couldn’t risk tempting fate. 

„Thank you,“ she said and turned towards Dana, feeling like they were alone for a moment. She kissed her soft and slow, forgetting that they were being watched; it felt like the first time that they kissed with other people close by.

„Okay, awkward,“ Charlie said. „Get a room.“

„Oh just leave them be,“ Liz said and Stella laughed. 

„Okay, who wants cake?“ Stella asked while Scully poured them some more wine. 

Everything seemed a little easier after that and Scully was glad that everyone seemed to come together quite nicely, talking and laughing without any awkward pauses or other unpleasant incidents. They had brought together a bunch of people who couldn’t be more different from each other and yet it worked out somehow. 

Irene was immersed in a conversation with Liz, and Charlie seemed to have taken a liking to Dany although Scully wasn’t sure whether she was just interpreting something into their conversation, wondering why she had never actually questioned her little brother’s most recent love encounters. Truth be told she felt like she knew hardly anything about him and she was determined to change that very soon. She wanted him in her life and she wanted to know how he was doing and that he was happy and content with what he did. As his older sister she also had a sudden urge to protect him, a feeling that she wasn’t necessarily familiar with but it was there nonetheless. She thought about telling him that he probably had zero chances with Dany but then again it wasn’t her cup of tea and she would leave her to do it or him to figure it out.

***

It was almost midnight when most of them gathered in the kitchen where the food was and Scully couldn’t blame them; somehow all good parties ended in the kitchen sooner or later. There was laughter and talking but there was someone missing; when she left the kitchen Stella was nowhere in sight.

Maybe she has gone to the bathroom, Scully thought but she still put her glass down and went to the bedroom to check; it was empty and the bathroom door open, lights out. 

A small part inside of her was worried but she already had an idea. She left the front door ajar, and found Stella sitting on the front steps. 

Stella took a deep breathe, inhaling the cool but surprisingly mild air. It was quiet out here, soothingly so and it calmed her raging thoughts. She didn’t know when it happened but at some point she had felt terribly overwhelmed amid being surrounded by all these wonderful people. 

She had gone from feeling invisible to being the centre of attention and it was something that suddenly demanded too much of her, so much that she found herself unable to breathe. Whenever she was with Dana she felt strong enough to ignore the voices telling her that she wasn’t good enough, silencing the one that whispered that she wouldn’t be worth being celebrated like this, but then it just became too much.

Sometimes it was easy to believe that she didn’t really live but simply existed but then again she believed that she didn’t really exist until there was someone to see her; she had never been able to speak properly because no one had ever listened and she had never been able to love the way she did now because she didn’t know what it was supposed to be like. 

„Stella?“ Scully asked softly and stepped outside, sitting beside her. 

„Hey,“ Stella said and looked at her hands. 

„Are you okay?“ She already had an idea.

„Yes,“ Stella said and sighed. „I… uh… just needed a moment to breathe.“

„We don’t have to do this,“ Scully said, feeling sorry all of a sudden. „I’ll kick them all out straightaway and we’ll be by ourselves.“

„No,“ Stella said and smiled. „I’ll be fine, really.“

„What happened?“

„I don’t know,“ Stella said. „I guess I just felt a little overwhelmed, I had to get away to breathe.“

„I’m sorry it made you feel that way.“

„It’s not so bad actually,“ Stella said. „It was a good idea and you’re absolutely wonderful. The cake was delicious.“

 _It was the truth,_ Stella thought. 

She actually liked having them all around and they’ve all been pretty decent when it came to not making her the sole centre of attention, treating this as a normal dinner with friends and not a very special birthday party. It was great until she had allowed these sneaky demons to convince her otherwise. The reasons for not celebrating her birthday hadn’t changed much over the years. 

She had never invited people, thinking they would refuse because she actually didn’t have friends or they’d simply accept because they were too polite to decline the invitation and she had wanted to spare herself that kind of humiliation.  
There weren’t many of her colleagues who actually liked her; she had always been regarded as cold-hearted and distant, almost arrogant and it had hurt because it couldn’t have been further off the truth so she had decided that she didn’t want anyone to know about her birthday, or her personal life, at all. 

Scully noticed that she was nervously fidgeting with her hands, trying to soothe herself. She reached for Stella’s hands and entwined their fingers, her thumb brushing over the soft skin on the back of her hand. 

„I just spent too many years believing, or telling myself, that no one actually liked me and that seems hard to shake off every now and then.“

„I don’t think that any of these people would be here if they didn’t care about you one way or the other.“

„I know,“ Stella said. „And at the same time I don’t. It drives me crazy, it feels ridiculous to think that way.“

„It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and scared, I feel that all the time.“

„Somehow you seem to be handling it so much better.“

„You make me feel better,“ Scully said softly and Stella smiled. 

„I’m just so frustrated with myself from time to time,“ Stella said and sighed. „I see all these people at work and the whole time I keep thinking that no one can actually stand me and it… it’s so infuriating because… I don’t think I’m quite so horrible. At least not anymore.“

„You are not, Stella. Not at all,“ Scully said with a gentle smile. 

She understood these feelings, knew where they came from but she also knew that it’s been a long day for both of them and she only tended to feel that way when she didn’t get enough sleep, losing the power to fight these demons. 

„It’s been a long day. How about we go inside and maybe we can get some sleep soon?“

„I guess that’s a good idea,“ Stella whispered with a sigh. 

„Tell me what you need.“

„Just sit with me for a moment,“ Stella said and looked up, smiling softly but Scully didn’t miss that she actually looked a little exhausted.

„Of course,“ Scully said and placed the softest kiss against Stella’s temple before she put an arm around her; she leaned against Dana, soothed by the contact. 

„Thank you,“ Stella said and looked at their entwined hands, thinking how easy it would be to ask that question now. It wouldn’t take long and it would be just the two of them. Just the thought made her heart beat a little faster, her hands feel a little shaky and she could not bring herself to say it. 

They sat like this for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts before Stella took a deep breath, dropping the idea of proposing as fast as it had come up. 

„Should we go back inside?“ 

„I like it out here,“ Scully said and chuckled; she was beginning to understand why Stella felt better in the quiet of the night.

„Come on, before anyone notices that we’re gone.“

„Are you feeling better?“

„Yes,“ Stella said and tried to stifle a yawn. „Much better.“

She got up and held out her hand, pulling Dana to her feet; before they stepped inside Scully paused. 

„Stella, wait,“ she said softly and grabbed her by the waist, gently pulling her closer. 

She looked into her eyes, quietly reassuring her that it is okay and that she knew exactly how Stella felt, she had been there a million times before. Scully’s eyes wandered to her lips, the faintest trace of a soft rosé shade still shimmering on them.

She bit her own lip, thinking of how soft they felt against hers and how she loved to kiss Stella and that she never seemed to grow tired of it. Their eyes locked again and Scully’s hands wandered from her hips to her face, gently cupping her face. 

Stella waited, her eyelids fluttering a little when she expected the warmth of Dana’s lips. She knew what it felt like and yet it never ceased to amaze her that every bit of contact seemed to leave her somewhat flustered. Finally, she leaned in and kissed her soft and slow, lingering in the moment before they stepped away from each other and joined the party.

„There you are,“ Liz said when they walked in. „I guess it’s time to call it a night and leave you guys to it.

„I’ll grab your coat,“ Stella said.

„Are you okay?“ Liz asked, gently touching Scully’s cheek; Scully nodded. „It’s been a lovely evening.“

„Text me when you get home,“ Scully said. 

„I will,“ she promised and said goodbye to Stella.

Dany entered the kitchen when Scully started to clear away some of the empty plates and glasses. 

„Are you having a nice time?“ Scully asked, thinking that she had barely talked to her all evening. 

„Yes, thank you.“

„It doesn’t feel weird, does it?“

„It’s not as bad as I thought it would be,“ Dany admitted. 

„I’m glad to hear that.“

„I’m surprised,“ she explained after a few moments.

„Why?“

„It’s so weird to see Stella like that,“ she said and looked over her shoulder to where Stella and Irene were sitting. „Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always thought that she was a nice person but she was so different when I first met her.“

„I’ve heard that before.“

„She was focused on her work, very impersonal and very considerate when it came to her private life.“

„I can imagine,“ Scully threw in. 

„She didn’t seem quite so happy,“ Dany said after a few seconds. „In retrospect I think she was in a different place back then, somewhere darker.“

Scully nodded, quietly offering Dany another drink but she declined.

„It’s nice to see her like this, it might sound stupid but I never thought it would be possible somehow. She appears happier.“

„Isn’t that what we all deserve?“ Scully wondered. „Are you happy?“

She asked that question without giving it a second thought; it might be none of her business. 

„Sorry, I didn’t mean to.“

„It’s okay,“ Dany laughed. „Yes, I think I am pretty happy.“

***

„We made it,“ Scully said and crawled into bed.

Stella was leaning against her pillows, dressed in shorts and a soft cotton tank top. It made Dana smile, reminding her of a conversation they had had not too long ago when Stella had insisted that there was nothing more comfortable than the silk tops she usually wore and Dana herself had argued that it was too warm to be wearing something like this at midsummer.

„Yes,“ Stella said with a sigh of relief and Dana kissed her. 

She continued to lotion her hands, the pleasant smell of white lotus and yi yi ren hanging between them. 

„Are you feeling a little better?“ Scully asked and turned on her side. 

„I’m mostly tired,“ Stella joked and switched off her beside light, turning on her side to face Dana. It took her eyes a few seconds to get used to the darkness and make out her features. 

Their faces were inches apart and Scully reached out to touch Stella’s cheek, seeking the physical contact. 

„It still feels weird, I can’t seem to shake off that feeling,“ Stella said quietly. 

„I hope you still enjoyed at least a bit of it.“

„Yes, I did,“ Stella said and smiled, closing the distance between them with a kiss. 

„Will you believe me when I tell you that I love you very much?“

Stella took a deep breath, shushing the awful voices inside her head and cuddled up to Dana. 

„Yes,“ Stella whispered and yawned, burying her face in the crook of Dana’s neck. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep with the soothing feeling of Dana’s hand, drawing circles on her lower back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)
> 
> P.S.: The ring Stella bought for Scully is Harmony by Tiffany's (with the corresponding wedding ring in the pic) [](https://postimg.cc/image/l7d6kbosb/)


	38. And I Serve The Fairy Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/4j7hgmvof/ezgif-1-aaf40da4ef.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/4j7hgmvof/ezgif-1-aaf40da4ef.gif)   
> 

_Over hill, over dale,_  
_Thorough bush, thorough briar,_  
_Over park, over pale,_  
_Thorough flood, thorough fire,_  
_I do wander everywhere,_  
_Swifter than the moon's sphere;_  
_And I serve the fairy queen,_  
_To dew her orbs upon the green._  
_The cowslips tall her pensioners be;_  
_In their gold coats, spots you see;_  
_Those be rubies, fairy favours,_  
_In their freckles live our savours._  
_I must go seek some dew-drops here,_  
_And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear._  
_Farewell, thou lob of spirits, I'll be gone;_  
_My queen and all her elves come here anon!_

_[„A Midsummer Night’s Dream“, Fairy Scene I - William Shakespeare]_

***

Stella was working late the night they had a movie date, forcing them to cancel their initial plans. Scully wasn’t fussed about not going to the movies; the weather was gorgeous and she enjoyed strolling through the busy streets of London, walking to their favorite Italian restaurant.

Somehow they hadn’t been able to find a movie they both liked and she had half-heartedly agreed to something that she wasn’t particularly interested in. Now that she had had a bit of time on her hands she had come up with an idea. Her heart was pounding, her hands trembling slightly with excitement after what she had done and she couldn’t wipe the smile of her face. She felt lighter and liberated, wondering what Stella would say. 

She watched her own reflection in the window facades while she walked by. It might take a bit of time to get used to it but she didn’t regret the decision. It was almost 7.30pm by the time she arrived at the restaurant. It looked like most tables were occupied and her heart dropped for a moment, thinking that it would have been smarter to make a reservation. To her great joy an overly friendly waiter showed her to a table that was partially hidden by the blooming bushes of peonies, far off from the busy activities on the patio in front of the restaurant. 

Scully took her seat, facing the direction she had just come from, ordered a glass of white wine and some water. She checked her phone while she waited, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. She couldn’t help but smile, thinking that it felt so much better. She had not just had her hair chopped off, it felt like she had also cut off something that she had been carrying around for too long.  
She barely remembered the time in her life when she had worn her hair this short and, although it wasn’t exactly new, it felt like it.  
She thanked the waiter, asking him to show Stella the way as soon as she arrived. She recognized the waiter from all their previous visits though not by any chance could she recall his name. Scully was lost in thoughts, lulled in by distant chatter and the sound of cars passing somewhere in the distance; it almost sounded like the sound of the sea if you allowed your imagination to trick you.  
She heard laughter and the clatter of cutlery on plates, people coming and going. Scully tried to listen closely, maybe she would be able to make out Stella when she arrived. She smelled something that resembled pizza and it made her realize that she was starving, wondering what she would like for dessert. She couldn’t help but laugh at herself since she hadn’t even thought about dinner. She almost knew the entire menu by heart; every time they ate here she would spend minutes browsing the menu but ended up ordering the same dish over and over again. Stella always laughed at her until she grew slightly frustrated when Scully needed ages while she was hungry; they both knew that she would pick the same thing in the end. 

Scully sipped her wine, trying not to finish it before Stella got here, absent-mindedly picking at the bread that the waiter had left on the table. She wasn’t sure how long it took but all of a sudden the distinct sound of high heels on the pavement caught her attention and a few seconds later she heard Stella’s voice, asking for their table.  
Scully looked up when Stella came into view, her face lighting up when she saw her. She looked stressed, annoyed by having to work so late while she wasn’t working on an active case, but it seemed to vanish the second she laid eyes on Dana. If Scully wasn’t mistaken she stopped dead in her tracks for a second, the look on her face a mixture of surprise and astonishment. 

Scully felt her cheeks blush a little, biting her lip while she waited for Stella. She looked up and smiled when Stella stopped beside her, dropping her bag on the floor between their chairs. 

„Oh my God,“ Stella whispered, smiling. 

„Do you like it?“

„Yes,“ Stella said with a smile, unable to take her eyes off Dana. She sat down in the chair to her left, not wanting to sit opposite her for now. 

Stella touched the loose ends of her silky hair that was now a lot shorter than it had been this morning, barely reaching her shoulders. She leaned in for a gentle kiss, lingering a little longer when she felt the warmth of Dana; she tasted the wine on her lips and smiled into the kiss. 

„Wow… you… um… You’re so beautiful,“ Stella whispered, still amazed. 

„Thank you,“ Scully said, quietly playing with the stem of her wine glass. 

She wanted to say something smarter but found herself at a loss of words. The adoration she saw on Stella’s face, mixed with unaltered joy, touched her deeply and she was more grateful than ever that they weren’t sitting in the darkness of a movie theatre now.

Stella touched Dana’s cheek and leaned back in her chair. 

„Do you like it?“ Stella asked and reached for Dana’s glass, finishing the rest of her wine.

„Yes,“ Scully said softly and leaned her head on her hand. „It feels nice.“

„I’m glad you’re happy with it,“ Stella said and motioned for the waiter to bring them some more wine. 

„How was work?“

Stella sighed, desperate to kick off her shoes but she felt like she couldn’t do that here although they were pretty much on their own. 

„Don’t ask,“ Stella said. „It’s a mess.“

„Wanna talk about it?“

„Not now,“ Stella said with a smile. „Maybe later, I’d rather hear what you’ve been up to.“

„Other than having my hair cut?“

„That’s obvious,“ Stella said and smiled. 

„Nothing out of the ordinary happened at work,“ Scully said. „I finished my shift at the hospital and then held a lecture at university. It felt like there were ten students present at most.“

„I can imagine,“ Stella laughed. „The weather is too nice to be inside.“

„Or at the cinema,“ Scully suggested. 

„Yeah, that wasn’t a smart idea,“ Stella said. „Maybe we should save that for the winter.“

Their conversation was interrupted by the waiter, serving them their drinks and handing them each the menu. Stella reached for her glass and leaned back in her chair.

„Chin chin,“ she said and toasted to Dana; she chuckled and sipped her drink. „Do you know what you would like to eat?“

„Good one,“ Scully said and laughed; she bit her thumbnail while she scanned the menu, trying to figure out what she’d like. 

„I think I’d like salmon and pasta,“ Stella said while Scully was more interested in dessert because she was craving something sweet.

„That sounds lovely.“

The dinner was calm and they both felt relaxed after a long day at work. Scully didn’t mention that she wasn’t particularly happy with her jobs any longer, thinking that it was a topic fit for another time.  
She had enjoyed both of her jobs, grateful to have something that made her feel secure and happy but it had been rather tiring lately. The main reason was that traveling between Oxford and London always took up a lot of time that she’d rather be spending with Stella, it would be easier if she permanently worked in London but she hadn’t been able to figure that out yet. 

During the course of their dinner Stella talked about her job and that she was supposed to work on active cases in the near future. She had paid the price for the Belfast disaster and it was time to leave that behind and move forward. While Stella was actually excited, Scully had an uneasy feeling that came along with it but she didn’t want to voice her concerns. 

Stella also mentioned working at university. Given her experience and her mostly immaculate career she certainly had a lot of knowledge to pass on and Scully loved the thought of Stella holding lectures at university more than picking up criminals on the streets of London. 

The wine flowed freely and Scully finally got her Tiramisu for dessert, gladly sharing it with Stella; she didn’t know about Stella but she felt a little tipsy when they walked home about three hours later. 

***

It was early when Scully opened her eyes on a Sunday morning. The daylight fell through the blinds but it seemed quiet and peaceful. To her surprise it was only five o’clock but she felt wide awake. 

She didn’t want to wake Stella, trying to remain quiet while she tried to make up her mind. Scully leaned back, sinking into her warm pillow and closed her eyes. There were only so many things she could do at the crack of dawn without creating tremendous noise in an otherwise quiet and peaceful flat.

She allowed her thoughts to wander until she remembered that it was Sunday and there was something that used to be an inherent part of her childhood, and most of her adult life. After her mother’s passing, and everything she had been put through, she had neglected that tradition. 

She had never had time to go to church, finding one excuse after another to avoid attending service but nonetheless ended up in that little church shortly after finding out about her child’s death and it had somehow opened her eyes, reminding her of something familiar that had once given her a great amount of assurance and safety. It was something that she had missed without realizing it; it had nothing to do with Stella or anyone else in her life. She knew that this was her own personal thing and she’d have to do it all on her own. 

Scully sighed, thinking that she had been manipulating herself on purpose; maybe she thought that she didn’t deserve to go to church any longer after everything she had done; maybe a part of her thought that it wasn’t her place any longer.  
She turned on her side, quietly watching Stella in her sleep. They had never actually talked about things like that and for some reason she had always pictured Stella as someone who didn’t go to church but she might be doing her wrong.

While she leaned back she thought of that tiny church that had given her shelter when she had needed it most. She wanted to go back and attend the service and maybe she would feel a little more at ease with herself after that, making herself believe that she hadn’t given up on everything she had grown up with. She dozed off a little, lingering somewhere between being asleep and awake. By the time the clock showed seven she couldn’t stand it any longer and slipped out of bed, trying not to wake Stella. She tiptoed into the kitchen to make coffee, opening all windows to let the cool morning breeze in while the kitchen started smelling of freshly brewed coffee.

She couldn’t help herself, reaching for her hair every time she caught a glimpse of herself somewhere, thinking that it had been the right decision. The look on Stella’s face, when she had first surprised her with that new look, had most definitely been worth it.  
They had barely made it through the front door, leaving the kitchen between while they had stumbled to the bedroom without taking their hands off each other. Scully smiled at the memory, quietly taking her favorite cup out of the cupboard. 

***

_The moment they walked in Stella kicked off her heels and groaned when her feet touched the floor._

_„Oh God,“ Stella laughed and sat down on the counter, propping her feet up against the chair. She usually didn’t sit on it but she was feeling cheeky tonight, watching Dana grab a bottle of water from the fridge._

_„You want some?“ she offered after taking a swig herself._

_„Yes, please,“ Stella said and reached for the bottle._

_Dana stood in front of her and Stella finished the water before she put it aside. She cupped Dana’s face with both hands, regarding her quietly for a few seconds.  
Seeing her with such short hair was still an unusual sight; it seemed to change her entire appearance and Stella couldn’t love it more. _

_„You are so beautiful,“ Stella whispered and Scully stepped between her legs; Stella hooked them behind Dana and laughed against her lips._

_„Stop it,“ Scully whispered and put her arms around Stella._

_„Are you blushing, Dr. Scully?“_

_„Yes, I think I am,“ Scully pulled her in for a kiss that slowly turned into something more demanding; Scully’s hands wandered to the buttons of her blouse, undoing them one by one._

_Stella tilted her head back, exposing her neck when Dana kissed her warm skin, tasting salty and sweet. The blouse slipped off her shoulders and Stella hummed at the touch of Dana’s lips, slowly reaching the swell of her breasts. Stella tangled her hands in Dana’s hair, keeping her close while she pushed the cups of her bra down and teased her nipples with her tongue._

_How easy it would be to make this quick, right here and right now but Stella had a better idea. She summoned all her strength, ignoring her damp panties and aching clit, pulling Dana away from her breasts._

_„Not here,“ she breathed between kisses and slid off the counter, right into Dana’s arms._

_„Better?“ Scully whispered against her lips, gently pushing her against the wall. Stella laughed when she wiggled out of her skirt, making quick work of Dana’s clothes while she still had her hands free. She felt hot and flushed, a fine layer of sweat already covering her mostly naked skin._

_„Almost,“ Stella breathed and reached behind her back to unclasp her own bra. She tossed it aside and guided Dana into the bedroom, gently pushing her until the back of her knees reached the bed._

_Stella kneeled in front of her, never taking her eyes away from Dana while she reached for her panties, slowly peeling them off her body. Scully leaned down, capturing her swollen lips in a desperate kiss._

_„Lay down on your side,“ Stella whispered and smiled, leaving Scully to wonder what she was up to._

_She did as she was told, laying on her side and waited. Stella sat beside her, slowly french kissing with her hands running up and down the curves of her body. Stella’s lips descended slowly, leaving a trail of kisses in her wake and Scully started to get an idea of where this was heading. She bit her lip with a grin on her face and looked at Stella._

_Without another word she parted her legs, one knee bent on the mattress, the other propped up, giving Stella perfect access to her throbbing clit and before she knew it she was lazily eating her out with Stella doing just the same. She had to admit that laying on her side while they did so was a lot more comfortable than being on top of her and she savored every moment of it. She sucked Stella’s swollen clit, her angle giving her perfect access to finger her just as comfortably, hitting the right spots. She felt Stella moan against her pussy, the low vibrations making her all tingly. She almost forgot what she was doing when Stella’s touch made her toes curl, her arousal running down the insides of her thighs._

_It was driving her crazy and it didn’t take long for her to come hard and fast with Stella following not long after. They rolled on their backs besides each other, Stella’s head at the other end of the bed, quietly trying to catch their breaths._

_After a while Scully felt the sweat dry on her skin, dying to get into the shower. She crawled on top of Stella and kissed her, faintly tasting herself on Stella’s lips._

_„Let’s get into the shower,“ Scully suggested and Stella nodded, slowly following her into the bathroom._

***

„Why are you awake already?“ Stella yawned while she scuffed into the kitchen.

„I just couldn’t sleep any longer. Why did you get out of bed? I tried to let you sleep in a bit longer.“

„I smelled coffee,“ Stella said with a tired smile. 

Scully closed the windows when the sun rose before she poured Stella a fresh cup of coffee, joining her on the sofa. She put Stella’s feet in her lap and handed her the cup. 

The next few minutes passed in pleasant silence, both sipping their drinks. Scully’s thumb was absent-mindedly caressing the soft skin around Stella’s left ankle; she was still tired but too restless to go back to sleep so she thought she might as well give up.

„What would you like to do today?“ Stella asked, wondering what she normally used to do on Sundays. 

She barely remembered it, thinking that she had probably spent all day catching up on paperwork or trying to solve a case and now that this wasn’t happening she had all the time in the world to do other things.

Scully shrugged before she answered. 

„I was thinking of going to church later,“ Scully said quietly and looked at Stella. 

„Oh ok,“ Stella said with a hint of surprise because she really hadn’t expected that. 

„Will you come with me?“ Scully asked carefully as if she was afraid of being rejected. 

„Of course,“ Stella said without a second thought; it was out of question not to. She had never actually gone to church nor had she been raised in a religious way but she would definitely join Dana.

„I mean, you don’t have to,“ Scully said. „If you don’t want to. It’s okay, I really don’t mind going on my own.“

„Don’t be silly,“ Stella said and sat up. „I’ll come with you, I know it means a lot to you.“

„I just don’t want you to agree something that you really have no use for.“

„I’ve never given it much thought,“ Stella admitted. „It has never been a part of my life.“

„Do you believe in God?“

„Does it matter?“

Scully laughed. 

„No, but I was just wondering. We never talked about that.“

„It’s a good question,“ Stella said and thought about her answer. 

„You don’t have to answer,“ Scully said and emptied her cup. 

„It’s ok. I’m just trying to find the right words,“ Stella said. I don’t actually believe in God… I think. I never had anything to do with religious matters, it wasn’t part of my upbringing and, to be honest, it’s hard to believe in something I can’t see.“

„I think I get that,“ Scully said, remembering that she had had that conversation with Mulder at least a hundred times before. 

„I’m always amazed by your faith and how you believe so strongly,“ Stella said. „Don’t get me wrong but you seem to rely on your medicine and your profession and… you work with scientific facts.“

„Believe me, I’ve questioned my faith many times before,“ Scully said. „But I was raised to believe in it and it took a lot to let go and to doubt it after everything I had been put through.“

„With all the terrible things we’ve seen over the years, with all the horrible deaths I’ve witnessed I sometimes find it hard to believe in something good and at the same time it calms me to believe that there is something out there… something to look up to.“

Stella took a deep breathe, still attempting to explain what she actually believed in. 

„I like the thought of… something,“ Stella said. „It seems hard for me to believe in an actual God or a person but I like the thought of believing in something, whatever that may be. It’s soothing somehow.“

„I used to rely on facts to do my job, just like you do,“ Scully explained. „But I never had a reason to question my beliefs, at least not until I started working with Mulder.“

„Isn’t it hard to hold on to something you can’t see when everything seems to go wrong in your life?“

„Yes,“ Scully whispered, a sudden rush of sadness seizing her heart. „But I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, as challenging as that may be,“ she said and turned her head; she smiled at Stella and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

„That’s something I can live with,“ Stella said and Scully put her cup aside, pushing Stella back to hover above her. She kissed her once and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

„So, do I have to dress up?“

„You can wear whatever you like,“ Scully said and laughed. 

„Isn’t it all fancy dress?“

„No,“ Scully chuckled. „Well, unless you like the rest of the church-goers to frown at you. It’s all a matter of respect to be dressed appropriately and for me it was never an option no to, especially not with my parents.“

„That sounds very… strict.“

„Or catholic,“ Scully laughed. 

„I’ll find something appropriate,“ Stella said. „But can we please have breakfast before we leave?“

„I like that,“ Scully said and helped Stella off the couch to make breakfast.

***

It was almost noon by the time they stepped out of that small church, various people pouring out onto the pavement in front of it. The sun was blazing already and there was not a single cloud in the sky.

Scully took a deep breath, feeling a little calmer than before. It wasn’t exactly what she was used to from her time in DC but in the end it served its purpose and she was happy with it. She wasn’t sure whether she would come back every Sunday but she might visit every now and then and reassure herself, establish some sort of routine in their daily lives. 

„How did you even find this place?“ Stella asked and took Dana’s hand. „I’ve lived her for such a long time and I never noticed.“

„I came across the church earlier this summer,“ Scully said and looked at her feet for a moment. „After you told me about William. I walked through the park and it was raining. I was tired and I didn’t pay attention to where I was going and then I ended up here.“

She smiled at Stella; she didn’t want to cloud their morning with painful memories. 

„I walked in and just sat there for a while, waiting for the tears to stop and I promised myself I’d come back at some point.“

„I’m glad I joined you,“ Stella said and they started walking away from the church. 

„So,“ Scully said. „How was it?“

„Well, I almost expected to burst into flames when I walked in but I survived.“

Scully laughed and shook her head. 

„It wasn’t that bad,“ Stella said honestly. „But I’m not sure I’ll be able to wrap my head around it.“

„That’s okay,“ Scully said. „You want to go for a walk in the park?“

„Yes, I’d love that.“

A few minutes later they sat in the shade of a giant oak tree; Stella leaned against the trunk with Dana’s head nestled in her lap. She played with a strand of her hair and smiled. 

There was a gentle breeze surrounding them and Scully watched a few kids playing soccer in the distance. Slowly the park was filling with families who came out of their homes to enjoy the gorgeous weather as long as it lasted. It might as well start raining in a few hours and if Scully wasn’t mistaken there was supposed to be a thunderstorm later. 

With no cloud in sight and nothing to worry about at the moment they were just two people among many others, having a nice time in the park. 

„Dana, did you ever think about going back to Washington?“ Stella asked, her left hand gently tickling her scalp.

„You mean for good? Or for a vacation?“

„Just for a visit,“ Stella said. 

„It never occurred to me before,“ she admitted. „Not until Charlie mentioned it after your party.“

„Did he?“

„When we met for lunch the day after,“ Scully explained. „I think he mentioned going home at some point. It surprised me because he seemed to be the last person I’d ever see going back there.“

„Didn’t he leave at a very young age?“

„Yes, that’s why I was surprised.“

„Maybe it’ll do him good or it’ll help to put an end to whatever is troubling him.“

„I wish I knew,“ Scully said softly. 

„What about you then?“

„I think it would be nice to go back. Just for a couple of days, my childhood home is still there and it is still ours.“

„Did you have a nice childhood?“

„It wasn’t always easy but it wasn’t terrible either,“ Scully said and took a deep breath. „We moved around a lot until we finally settled outside of Washington DC. I have fond memories of my childhood as well as terrible ones.“

She already knew about Stella’s childhood and that far too many things had gone wrong so she chose not to ask further questions until Stella was ready to talk. 

„I don’t think I would like to move back to the US,“ Scully said. „I like it here in England. We moved around a lot when I was young and it was hard to feel at home somewhere so I was happy to find my place. I’m afraid that, if I leave England, I won’t feel at home in Washington either.“

„I understand that,“ Stella said.

„The thing is,“ Scully said and sat up, leaning against the trunk beside Stella. „I don’t want to leave because I feel pretty much at home here and I have everything I need.“

She leaned in and kissed Stella, her thumb gently brushing over her cheek. Scully looked in her eyes, thinking that she saw unshed tears glistening in them for a brief moment. 

„Dana,“ Stella said softly, biting her lip. 

She felt a little taken off guard by the confession that wasn’t new because she had heard it before and yet it somehow stirred something inside of her. She still had something on her mind and, whenever she didn’t doubt it, she was simply too nervous to utter the words that would most certainly change both of their lives forever and she was hoping it would be for the better. 

„What is it?“ Scully asked and smiled. 

How easy would it be to ask her now, she thought and remembered that she didn’t bring the ring. Maybe she’d wait until their anniversary in September. They weren’t official back then but the day they had first met was the night it all started to change. It was still almost four weeks away and Stella thought she wouldn’t be able to hold on until then but she had not yet come up with a better plan. 

„I was just thinking of the very first time I kissed you,“ Stella whispered against her lips and leaned in for a kiss. 

„I’ll never forget that,“ Scully whispered between chaste kisses and smiled. 

They stayed in the park for a little while longer, just enjoying each other’s company until it was time to go home and prepare lunch. It’d be a quiet afternoon and by the time the distant sound of thunder disturbed the silence Scully was laying on the bed, reading a book for the very first time in what felt like years while Stella was replying to emails from work.

She had a never ending, constantly growing pile of books that she intended to read and most of them have been left untouched, gathering a fine layer of dust while they had been neglected.  
For some reason she had always been busy or considered herself too restless to actually sit down and read a book but tonight she did. What she had picked up was the bittersweet and tragic love story of two childhood friends, Ronit and Esti, who had grown up in an Orthodox Jewish community in Hendon, not too far from where they were actually living. 

Scully had felt drawn to it right from the start, finding herself unable to put it down. She lost herself in the book while the hours passed by and was confronted with a variety of emotions, ranging from anger and affection to longing and sadness. 

She didn’t know how their story would end but at some point she chose to take a break as her eyes grew tired. She left the book behind, still feeling strangely bothered by what she had just read and the injustice she felt, to make a cup of tea and sit with Stella. 

She didn’t know how the book would end but she certainly had an idea of what their future would look like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)
> 
> P.S.: If you haven't guessed it by now Scully's reading ["Disobedience" by Naomi Alderman](https://www.amazon.com/Disobedience-Novel-Naomi-Alderman/dp/1501199668/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527884812&sr=8-1&keywords=disobedience+naomi+alderman)


	39. Happiness Is The Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s15.postimg.cc/z05kin617/Scullysmile.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s15.postimg.cc/z05kin617/Scullysmile.gif)   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might contain spoilers for "Disobedience" if you haven't seen it...

_Happiness is the smile that appears when your love walks through the door_  
_It's the fact that everyday you love her even more_  
_Happiness is smiling when nothing goes your way_  
_Happiness is family when you've had a tired day_  
_Where do you find happiness do you look up or down?_  
_You find it in the mirror at the absence of a frown_  
_Happiness can be described in so many different ways_  
_So let's just hope when it finally comes it will never go away_

_Nesean Coombs_

***

„I’d love to see the movie,“ Scully said, picking at her food.

The lasagna was delicious but somehow she couldn’t enjoy it. Her mind was preoccupied with other things. She had almost forgot about the book until she had found it on her nightstand this morning. She had finished it a while ago but had not been able to let go. The story of Esti and Ronit had stayed with her long after her eyes had skimmed over the last couple of words on the final page.  
She wasn’t sure what she felt after that, couldn’t say that she particularly enjoyed the book because there was something about the whole thing that had bothered her. She hated how these two characters were treated, not just in the story but in their lives. She knew that it wasn’t exactly fiction because things like this still happened somewhere out there, on a daily basis.

„Which movie?“ Stella asked and put her fork down. 

„‚Disobedience‘,“ Scully said. 

She couldn’t even remember the last movie she had seen at the cinema, it was probably the one that featured „her“ as an FBI Agent half a lifetime ago. She had never been interested in what was being shown, there had always been a million more important things and Mulder had always preferred the classics when it had been his turn to choose a movie for date night. 

„Still thinking about it?“ Stella asked, gently smiling. 

„Yes,“ Scully said. „It’s been bothering me.“

„You think it’s a good idea to watch the movie?“ Stella asked and pushed her plate away, suddenly craving something sweet after dinner. „Isn’t the book usually better than the movie?“

„I know,“ Scully said and sighed. „But I’m sure it won’t do any harm. It’s not like I’m in danger of ruining my fantasy over something…“

„What was it about?“ Stella asked, not sure whether she remembered the story correctly. 

„Two childhood friends growing up in an Orthodox Jewish Community here in London. Ronit is the rabbis daughter, she’s gay.“

„Oh,“ Stella said, slowly trying to figure out what it must have been like. 

„She leaves, knowing that she isn’t welcome. A couple of years later she returns for her fathers funeral, meeting her childhood friend Esti.“

„Is she a lesbian?“

„Yes,“ Scully said and got up to clear their plates away. „She still married another man, staying in their community.“

„I think I get the picture,“ Stella said and put her glass down. 

„They are both very unhappy and I can’t say that it ends well.“

„I didn’t expect that,“ Stella said. 

„It just makes me angry and sad,“ Scully said and took ice cream out of the freezer, Stella nodded. She took two spoons out of the drawer and joined Stella on the sofa. 

„We can go if you really want to,“ Stella said and took the spoon that was offered to her. „I don’t remember the last time I’ve actually been to the cinema.“

„Me neither,“ Scully said and curled up on the sofa beside Stella. 

„That’s sad actually,“ Stella chuckled. 

„I know,“ Scully admitted. 

„We’re going then,“ Stella said. „Do you know the times, or a theatre that shows it?“

„Shouldn’t be hard to find out,“ Scully said and reached for her phone.

***

They had opted for a late night screening of the movie and found themselves sitting somewhere in the back, hidden in the shadows. It was almost September and the weather was still lovely; Scully wondered whether summer was over already or whether it was just getting started. She wasn’t exactly sure which one she preferred at the moment.

She enjoyed being here with Stella with only a handful of other people somewhere in front of them. When she took her seat she remembered why she had always hated going to the cinema as a teenager. There were always too many people with no manners; people who thought it was okay to make too much noise with whatever they snuck in, rustling with their bloody popcorn and talking loudly. She also hated that people always made out during the movies, foolishly thinking that no one would notice. 

She had always been unfortunate enough to be seated behind the tallest person ever and she had hated sitting beside strangers. Now she sat beside Stella, balancing popcorn on her lap, while she tried to figure out the movie. She didn’t know whether she was upset or pleased with what she saw. She had been watching Stella every now and then, wondering whether she liked what she saw. Somehow she wanted her to like it although she wasn’t sure what she thought of it. 

She knew that there would be a sex scene at some point; there had been one in the movie and she’d be angry if they denied her of that. She appreciated that there seemed to be a lot more kissing than in the book. Scully sighed and the scene came, slowly unfolding in front of them. She knew it would happen the moment she watched the two women get on the lift in a hotel in central London. 

„Oh wow,“ Stella said and raised an eyebrow. „Now we’re getting somewhere.“

„Could this be any longer?“ Scully asked, her hand hidden in the depths of their half-empty bucket of popcorn. „This is getting awkward.“

Stella chuckled. 

„Funny how they’re always fully clothed after having sex,“ Stella remarked and Scully laughed. 

„Or how the woman always wears a bra after having sex… that’s the first thing I love to take off right after getting home.“

„I know,“ Scully laughed. „It’s nicely done, though,“ she admitted and raised an eyebrow.

„Uh hu,“ Stella said and bit her lip. „I can do better.“

„Yes, you do.“

The moment she uttered those words the scene in front of her eyes changed and she felt Stella’s hand on her inner thigh, her thumb gently caressing the inside. She was pretty sure that it hadn’t been there before and she wasn’t sure what Stella had in mind. If she wasn’t mistaken that hand was slowly inching closer to her center and Scully didn’t know if that was the appropriate thing to do and yet she found herself slightly intrigued by the thought of it. 

„What are you doing?“ Scully whispered; Stella hadn’t taken her eyes off the screen, still following the movie playing out on the big screen. 

„Just relax,“ Stella said. 

„No,“ Scully said a little more urgent. „There are people around us.“

„They are entirely out of earshot. If you remain quiet.“

She ignored Dana’s half-hearted protest, her fingers brushing over the fabric of her jeans where her clit was already swelling in anticipation. She parted her legs a little wider and saw Stella smile from the corner of her eye.

„This is so wrong,“ Scully whispered and squirmed a little in her seat. 

„You seem to like it,“ Stella replied, slipping her hand into Dana’s jeans. The fabric of her panties felt damp to the touch. The angle of her wrist was a little awkward but she didn’t care; Scully shifted a little, giving Stella a bit more space.  
She kept the popcorn in her lap, trying to hide the obvious from everyones view. She felt Stella’s warm fingers brush over her folds. She fingered her slowly, seemingly unfazed while she continued to watch the movie and their surroundings.  
Scully felt the warmth bloom in her lower belly, Stella’s fingers gently circling her swollen clit. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, losing track of the movie for a moment. Her breath quickened and her hands clutched the arm rests, trying to stay still and quiet. She didn’t want this, felt like she should stop this but at the same time she was incredibly turned on by something so naughty; she didn’t even want to imagine what might happen should they get caught. 

She felt a soft blush in her cheeks and turned her head, watching Stella while she came. She knew it wouldn’t make it into her top ten of sexual encounters but there was something about it that was thrilling and forbidden and she loved every second of it. She gasped once, trying to remain still. Her heat was racing wildly but no one paid attention to them. 

Stella withdrew her fingers, a satisfied smile on her face. 

„I can’t believe you just did that,“ Scully said and put the popcorn away to button her jeans. 

Stella leaned over and kissed her.

„An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.“

Scully almost laughed out loud. 

„I’m pretty sure that’s not how it goes,“ Scully said and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

„Are you complaining?“

„Not at all,“ Scully said. „And I am a doctor, by the way. Wanna get rid of me?“

„Certainly not,“ Stella said and chuckled. „Now shut up, I’m watching a movie.“

She didn’t actually pay attention to the end of the movie; she wasn’t happy with what she saw although she didn’t know the book. She thought about what she had just done and that it was September already. She had planned to propose on their anniversary and she was slowly getting seriously nervous about everything, hoping it would go well. 

Scully smiled and turned her attention to the big screen, not sure what to make of it either. They were half-way through the movie and she thought that it had been a bad idea but Stella had certainly changed her mind.

***

„Don’t be upset,“ Stella said and smiled when she handed her a glass of wine about an hour later. They had gone home straight after the movie because it looked like it was going to rain.

„I just don’t get it,“ Scully said and sat down on the sofa. 

„It wasn’t a bad movie,“ Stella said carefully, sitting down beside her. 

„But it was so unlike the book, they’ve left out so many things.“

„Don’t say I didn’t warn you,“ Stella said and smiled. 

„The point is,“ Scully said and kicked off her shoes. „And that’s what’s bothering me, is that it almost appears to be a sweet little love story.“

„Isn’t that what it was supposed to be?“

„Well, not in the original story,“ Scully said and Stella couldn’t help but smile because Dana was so sweet but she didn’t want to upset her. „The thing is Ronit left because she desperately felt like she had to get away because she grew up in a place where she didn’t belong; she didn’t want to be there, she wasn’t welcome and she knew it.“

She took a deep breath and sipped her wine before she continued. 

„She reluctantly returned to her childhood home for her father’s funeral, knowing that no one wanted her there.“

„That’s sad,“ Stella said now that she thought about it. 

„She knew that everyones eyes were on her, judging her. They treated her like trash and made her leave, at some point someone offered her money to leave the community and never return.“

„Seriously?“ Stella said and raised her eyebrow. She really hadn’t expected that because that wasn’t what the movie conveyed and maybe a small part inside of her was starting to understand why Dana was upset. 

„Yes! It just makes me incredibly sad that they whitewashed the whole thing, religious beliefs or not. It’s not something someone just made up, I guess we both know that this is still happening out there every day.“

„I understand,“ Stella admitted. „I guess it isn’t such a bad movie if you look at it on its own but judging by what you just said it seems to be a poorly done screen adaption.“

Scully sighed, she couldn’t help but laugh about herself now that she had vented her anger a little. 

„I guess we’ve been quite lucky,“ Stella said buried in thought they both knew it. 

„Yes, I guess that much is true.“

„Let’s just forget about it, at least for tonight,“ Stella suggested. 

„Okay,“ Scully said and put her feet in Stella’s lap, relaxing a little.

***

Stella had finished work, knowing that there were some reports to be looked into by the time she got home. She had always tried to leave it all at the office but every now and then she enjoyed working from her own home where she felt safe and calm without being confined to an office that isolated her from the rest of her colleagues.

She was typing up a document when the screen of her phone lit up with an incoming message. She smiled when she saw Dana’s name on the screen. 

_Colleagues are going out for a few drinks after work, you wanna come? D. x_

Stella smiled at the screen and sighed. 

There were times in her life when she wouldn’t have hesitated but she wanted to finish this and Dana deserved some time out and have a little fun. 

_I’m still working. I’ll see you later, have fun! S. x_

She put her phone down and reached for her neglected cup of coffee that had probably turned cold an hour ago. She grimaced at the taste and put it down, once more looking at her phone when it blinked. 

_I love you, D._

Stella bit her lip, feeling touched. Her eyes wandered to the drawer where she still kept the ring, she had checked on it earlier, making sure it was still hidden where she wanted it to be. It wasn’t long now, just two more weeks and Stella would finally be put out of her misery. 

She quickly texted back and tried to concentrate on her work, the sooner she finished it the better; she wanted to be done by the time Dana got home.

***

It was almost ten in the evening when Stella heard the key in the door. She immediately checked her watch out of habit, yawning when she looked away from her screen. She had managed to finish about an hour ago but then she had started gathering information on a person they suspected to operate in a local drug ring. It wasn’t like they had a tangible case or damning evidence so she was simply trying to figure out who this person was; so far her internet research hadn’t produced suitable results.

She looked up when Dana walked in. She kicked off her shoes, leaving them in the middle of the room while she walked toward Stella with a bright smile on her face.  
Stella smiled; she noticed that her cheeks were flushed and she was pretty sure that Dana had had more than enough to drink. 

„Hey,“ Dana said cheerful and cupped Stella’s face with both hands, slightly taking her by surprise when she kissed her and sat down in Stella’s lap; she didn’t fail to notice that her gross motor skills and her delicacy of feeling had suffered a little with the influence of alcohol. 

Stella hummed into her mouth, tasting the sweet alcohol on her lips but she couldn’t figure out what it was. 

„Did you have fun?“ she asked and Scully buried her face in the crook of her neck and chuckled. 

„Yes,“ she said and leaned back a little to look at Stella. 

She felt light and careless, the world was spinning when she moved a little too fast. It wasn’t something she usually did, she was always keen on keeping her composure and herself together but every now and then it felt good to let go and break free. Today had been a good day and it had felt just right to celebrate it with a few colleagues from university after spending the entire day indoors. 

„How much did you have to drink?“ Stella wondered and laughed, Scully shrugged. 

„I really don’t remember.“

„Did you eat something?“

„At lunch… I guess,“ Scully said with a hint of an apology in her words and bit her lip. She knew that it hadn’t been the smartest thing to do but she had somehow missed the point of caring and then it was too late. 

„Come on, get up,“ Stella said. „I’ll make some coffee.“

„I’ll just need to get out of these clothes,“ Scully said and left Stella to change into her more comfortable pajamas. 

Stella shook her head and left her glasses on the table, walking into the kitchen to make coffee. It didn’t take long until its smell filled the empty room, just like the silence that had returned. 

„Dana?“ Stella said and took a small bottle of water out of the fridge. 

She carried the water and a cup of coffee to the bedroom when she didn’t get a response and smiled when she saw the image in front of her. She leaned against the doorframe and sighed. Dana was fast asleep on her side of the bed, sleeping on her tummy. She hadn’t taken off a single piece of clothing and simply dropped off the way she was. Stella quietly put both on the bedside table and walked to the bathroom to find some ibuprofen before she sat down on the edge of the bed; Dana didn’t even stir. 

She reached out and brushed the hair out of Dana’s face. She leaned forward and kissed her temple. 

„Good night,“ she whispered and tucked her in before she closed the blinds and switched on the lamp on her side of the bed. She left the bedroom with a fresh cup of coffee, emptying it in the sink because she had no desire to drink it now. She changed into her pajamas and sat down in her chair, trying to finish what she had stated a little while ago. 

She got ready to go to sleep around midnight and Dana showed the first signs of life when Stella sat down beside her. She had turned from her tummy to her side, still wearing the clothes she had put on this morning. 

„Look who’s alive,“ Stella said when Scully opened her eyes, still trying to figure out where she was. She had a light headache and felt slightly dehydrated but the dizziness had faded and she didn’t feel quite as drunk as she had about three hours ago. 

„What time is it?“ Scully mumbled into her pillow. 

„Almost midnight.“

„Urgh,“ Scully groaned and turned on her back, chuckling with closed eyes. „I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Why didn’t you wake me?“

„You looked so cute,“ Stella said. „And you seemed to need it.“

„I just wanted to change my clothes and then I just… dropped off.“

„How do you feel?“

„Thirsty,“ Scully said and Stella pointed to her bedside table.

„Oh God, I love you,“ Scully said, rolled on her side and reached for the bottle and the ibu. She sat back against the headrest, then she leaned over and kissed Stella on the cheek.

„Are you mad at me?“

„No,“ Stella asked and looked at her. „I’m just tired.“

„I don’t want you to be mad at me,“ Scully said and kissed Stella on her bare shoulder. 

„I said I’m not.“

„I’m hungry.“

„Maybe you should just go to sleep?“

„I’m hungry,“ Scully almost whined. „You want a sandwich?“

„No thanks,“ Stella said and reached for her book. „I already brushed my teeth.“

She watched Dana slide out of bed and put her pajamas on, then she wandered into the kitchen. She tried to figure out what Dana was doing, judging from the sounds she heard and wondered whether she’d find the whole kitchen in a mess in the morning. A couple of minutes later Dana came back with a sandwich and a bar of galaxy chocolate. It wasn’t the dark one she preferred but Dana loved it and Stella didn’t mind a piece of it every now and then. 

Scully sat down on top of the covers, struggling with her sandwich - much to her own delight. 

„Please tell me this isn’t a crisp sandwich,“ Stella said and almost rolled her eyes, wishing Dana would’ve just slept it off until tomorrow. 

„Um… yes,“ Scully said before she took a bite. 

„You gotta be kidding me!“ Stella said and closed her book. 

„You should take a bite,“ Scully said. „It’s nice.“

„You’ll get crumbs everywhere,“ Stella whined but she couldn’t keep the laughter out of her voice.

„I’ll be careful,“ Scully said, knowing that it was impossible to eat this without making a complete mess. 

„Dana, come on!“

„Almost done,“ she said with her mouth full and laughed. „You want some chocolate?“

„No,“ Stella said and pretended to ignore Dana, thinking that this was the woman she intended to marry. 

„Yes, you do,“ Scully said and offered her a piece. 

„I hate you,“ Stella sighed and took the piece of chocolate. It was soft and melted on her tongue within seconds and it was delicious. She hummed appreciatively and Scully laughed. 

„I knew it.“

„Better now?“ Stella asked and took another piece of chocolate. 

„Much better,“ Scully said. „I should take a shower though.“

„Maybe you should do it in the morning?“

„I’m not sure I’ll decide when I get there,“ she said and laughed. „Still need to brush my teeth.“

„Yes… thanks for that.“

It took them another thirty minutes to get rid of the mess they had made and drag themselves out of bed to brush their teeth, forgetting about the shower. Stella smiled at their reflection, couldn’t believe that she was standing here brushing her teeth with Dana by her side. 

_Yes,_ she thought. She couldn’t believe that this was the woman she loved and intended to marry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	40. I See You Everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/4lyj9htcf/stellascully40.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/4lyj9htcf/stellascully40.gif)   
> 

_I see you everywhere,_  
in the stars,  
in the river,  
to me you’re everything that exists;  
the reality of everything. 

_[Virginia Woolf]_

***

Scully was on the way to Oxford, glad for the change of scene. The last two weeks had been exhausting for both of them; there was a lot to do at work and at some point she felt like she hardly saw Stella when she came home from the hospital late at night.  
She couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong, that things were somewhat tense between her and Stella but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She sighed, thinking that she had agonised over it for hours at a time when she couldn’t sleep at night. She had tried not to obsess about something that might not even be there and blame it on the stress they had had. Maybe things would be a little more relaxed now that the end of summer came.

She was going to meet Mulder for coffee; she had agreed to see him in her favorite cafe in the city centre. The closer she got to the city the more she thought that it hadn’t been such a smart idea because finding a parking spot was practically impossible. She texted Mulder to let him know that she’d come to the house because she could leave the car and then walk into the centre. 

He smiled at her when she got out of the car a little while later, waiting in front of the house. 

„Lovely to see you,“ Mulder said and walked toward her. 

„Hey, Mulder.“

„You look so… different,“ he said with a smile. He had noticed her new haircut the moment she got out of the car.

„It’s not exactly new,“ Scully said and laughed. „I’ve worn it like this before.“

„Wow, when was that?“ Mulder joked. „Remind me.“

„I’d rather not,“ Scully said and walked beside him.

„It still looks different but it’s beautiful.“

„Thank you,“ she smiled. „I guess everything’s different nowadays.“

They walked beside each other for a while, strolling down the road to grab a cup of coffee. Scully wanted to say something but she didn’t know the right thing to say; her mind was somewhat preoccupied. 

„You are quiet,“ Mulder remarked. 

„Mhm,“ Scully replied. 

„Everything ok?“

„Yes,“ Scully said and sighed. „It’s just been a long week at work.“

She didn’t want to tell him she was worried that something was going wrong between her and Stella and that something unspoken hung between them. She wasn’t sure whether she didn’t want to share it because it was none of his business or whether she simply felt like she had to protect him somehow. 

„Do you want to talk about it?“

„I really don’t know what to say,“ she admitted. „I think I’m just tired.“

„Well, let’s get you that coffee then,“ he said and held the door open for her. 

They walked back to the house together about two hours later and Scully got ready to go home, texting Stella that she was about to leave. 

She had meant to visit Liz while she was in town but she was away at a conference in the US and it gave Scully a strange sense of longing. Not too long ago she had told Stella that this was her home and she wouldn’t want to move back but she knew the United States would always be her home.

***

Stella finished work early since she hadn’t been able to focus all day. She knew that most of her colleagues were happy to have her out of the way and she didn’t have the nerve to worry about them any longer.

It had been exactly a year since she had met Dana and, although she wasn’t one to bother with such dates, this particular day had etched itself into her brain. It almost felt like it had all started making sense from the moment she saw Dana, everything else before that was just a blur in black and white. She had spent a long time thinking about what to do today, doubting every single one of her decisions each time she felt a little too nervous.  
She didn’t want to make too much of a fuzz but she wanted to propose to Dana because it was the only right thing to do, she just wasn’t sure how to go about it the right way. She didn’t want it to be cheesy, she needed it to be simple and easy but romantic nonetheless. 

She knew it was an intimate moment and she had no intention to share it with anyone but Dana, choosing their home as the perfect place to do it because that’s where they first met and where she had kissed Dana for the very first time. She finished grocery shopping, praying that she had everything she needed, because she didn’t have time to go out and buy whatever she might have forgotten.  
She intended to cook for them, thinking that she still had a lot of time on her hands until Dana came home but when she texted Stella that she was on her way back she realized that she had only about an hour left.

Her heart was racing and she felt hot, cursing the bloody weather; just one year ago on that same day it had been rainy, cold and stormy and Stella thought she’d prefer that any time. There were so many things she had meant to do before Dana walked through the front door and yet it felt like she had finished nothing at all. She hadn’t meant for it to be perfect but this whole thing started to feel like a disaster and Stella was angry with herself because it had completely thrown her off; it had turned her into an emotional mess and she wasn’t exactly sure she’d be able to get a grip on herself in time. 

The pasta sauce was over salted and she didn’t have time and the ingredients to make a new one. It seemed like half of it was spilled on her shirt already, her heart racing nervously inside her chest. She sighed and put her hair up in a messy bun, thinking that it couldn’t get any worse. She poured herself a glass of wine, hoping it would help to calm her raging nerves. Stella hated how all of this made her reconsider her decision, how she had spent the last couple of minutes considering the proposal simple because she was too insecure. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Dana but there was always the fear of being rejected and deep inside the thought of getting married scared her. She didn’t want to be with anyone else, telling herself that such doubts were hideous but she couldn’t keep them out of her mind. 

She finished the cold wine, that suddenly tasted amazing, but ignored the desire to have another one. She didn’t want to be drunk when it happened and she most certainly didn’t want to make a fool of herself. She walked to the drawer and took the ring out. She let the small box slip into the pocket of her trousers; it felt like it weighed hundreds of pounds, reminding her of what she had planned with every step she took.

She stood in the middle of the kitchen, feeling lost all of a sudden. Everything was a mess, their dinner was ruined and she probably looked as awful as she felt. Stella was incredibly tired all of a sudden, uncharacteristically emotional because nothing seemed to go right and she felt like she couldn’t handle it any more. It had been an incredibly tiring week but she had managed to pull herself together at work and now she was crumbling when it mattered most. She had been thinking that Dana was unhappy somehow, had sensed that something was up but she hand’t been able to figure out what had gone wrong and, between work and sleeping, they hadn’t talked much about anything.

Stella had laid awake at night although she had been exhausted, trying to figure out what she had done but in the end she had always fallen asleep, dreading the answer to that question. 

She was frozen in place, thinking that it was time to set the table until she remembered that there was no food that was edible in any way, and felt close to tears when she heard the front door. 

„Stella?“ Scully asked when she walked in; she had already smelled the food and was looking forward to spending the evening with Stella. 

The scene that she saw when she walked into the kitchen wasn’t exactly what she had expected and she wasn’t sure how to react. She raised her eyebrow and waited, not sure what to make of it. 

„Is everything okay?“ Scully asked carefully and stood in front of Stella. 

„No,“ Stella whined and pinched the back of her nose with two fingers. „No, that’s not how it was supposed to go!“

She turned around and turned off the stove, seemingly frustrated by what had happened - whatever that might be. Stella looked like she was close to tears and Scully had rarely seen her in such a state of distress before, wondering what had caused her to break. 

„Hey,“ Scully said softly and put her hand on Stella’s lower back. „It’s just food.“

„It’s ruined,“ Stella said and turned around. 

„We’ll just order something, not a big deal,“ Scully said, trying not to laugh because this was cute, thinking that she didn’t want to upset her and the food certainly wasn’t the reason for Stella’s state of mind. 

„That’s not the point,“ Stella said and put her hands on her hip. „It’s just that… we’ve met a year ago and I thought it’d be nice to do something but… it’s ruined now.“

„Oh damn,“ Scully whispered; she finally got it. She had completely forgotten about their anniversary, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed and guilty. „I’m so sorry, is this why you’re mad at me?“

„What?“ Stella asked and looked at her. „No, I’m not mad at you!“

Scully sighed and smiled with a hint of relief. 

„I thought you were unhappy with something and it was driving me crazy,“ Stella said and Scully closed the distance between them. She put her hands on Stella’s hips and leaned in for a hug. 

„I guess it’s been a long week,“ Scully whispered and kissed her, tucking a strand of hair behind Stella’s ear. She leaned in and allowed Dana to hold her because it was the one thing she really needed right now. She was exhausted and frustrated and being in Dana’s arms was soothing. She felt the tears in her eyes, close to breaking down. It was one of those moments when nothing calmed you and all there was left to do was having a good cry before you have enough strength to pull yourself together and keep going. 

„Yes,“ Stella whispered and held on to Dana. 

„How about we order some food and forget about this?“ Dana said and smiled.

„No, no,“ Stella said and stepped away from Dana. She still had something to do and she couldn’t possibly bail out now. She knew she’d never have the guts to go through with it if not now. 

„There’s still something I need to do,“ Stella said. „Sit with me.“

Scully was confused for a moment but took the seat in front of Stella without questioning it. Stella reached for her hand, held it between hers for a few seconds before she looked up and sighed. She now thought that it would have been smart to think about what to say but it had never occurred to her before; she had always felt like she would know what to do and say but now her mind was blank. 

„Well, it’s been a year and this is the mess you walked into,“ Stella said and chuckled nervously. She looked around the kitchen and Scully wondered whether she was going to cry. 

„I like that mess.“

„I know I’ve mentioned it before but I think about that night a lot,“ Stella said and smiled. „I never thought it’d turn into something that means so much to me. You’ve turned my whole life upside down,“ she said and Scully bit her lip, nodding wordlessly. 

„It’s a good thing, really,“ Stella said. „Judging from where I started, it’s definitely a good thing. It still feels weird sometimes but I like not being on my own.“

She took a deep breath before she continued, her thumb absent-mindedly caressing the back of her hand; Scully hang on her every word. 

„Everything seems a little easier with you and I sleep better when you are around. Somehow I’ve gone from just existing to actually living,“ she said and almost laughed at her words. She didn’t mean to be cheesy but now that it turned into just that she couldn’t care less because it was the truth and the right thing to say. 

„Stella,“ Scully said softly, trying to figure out where this was going but something inside of her was starting to feel nervous. 

„Just let me finish,“ Stella said. „I need to say this now or I never will.“

Scully nodded. 

„I know I’m not perfect and I still have a lot to learn and all I can do is promise to do the best I can, for both of us. I still have a lot to learn but I don’t feel quite as hopeless as I did a year ago. It’s been a long year but it feels like something much longer and I couldn’t be happier.“

Scully took a deep breath, trying to swallow her emotions until Stella was done.

„I’m so afraid to fuck this up… I mean, look around!“ she said and pointed at the mess she had made, not sure whether to laugh or cry. „But I guess I’ll never know until I tried.“

„No, we won’t,“ Scully whispered, still holding Stella’s hand. 

„You showed me something very important, something I had forgotten about and given up on a long time ago. I never felt loved or lovable in any way, that’s not how I was raised, not what I grew up with. I felt like I never knew what it felt like to be loved. I never felt pretty, never thought anyone would ever love me for who I truly am but then you came along.“

Scully didn’t fail to notice how her voice broke a little toward the end of the sentence and how she blinked her own tears away, knowing how difficult it was for Stella to share these things; it broke her heart that Stella had endured that kind of pain at some point in her life. 

„I thought about it for a long, long time and there only is one thing left to do,“ Stella said and let go off Dana’s hand; her fingers were trembling when she reached into her pocket. 

She held the small black box between her hands, her heart pounding in her chest. 

„I love you more than anything else in my life and I don’t think I ever will. You are my best friend and, as scary as it may seem, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.“

It took Scully a few seconds to realize what was happening, stunned by what Stella just said. It was exactly the way she felt and she never expected Stella to say it first, or actually make that first step. 

Scully felt nervous, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. She knew what was coming and it completely overwhelmed her. 

Stella opened the small jewelry box, her eyes finding Dana’s. She took one last deep breath before she said:

„Dana Katherine Scully, will you marry me?“

Scully couldn’t describe the intensity of what she was feeling at that moment. Joy. Fear. Happiness. Confusion. Her breaths became shallower and it felt like an eternity for her to catch up. To Stella it felt like a lifetime that passed between them; it was quiet and seemed endless. She held Dana’s gaze, still hoping. Stella still wanted to tell her so many things but the sound of Dana’s voice suddenly silenced the wildly raging emotions inside of her. 

„Oh my God... Yes,“ she breathed and laughed nervously. „Yes, I do.“

She felt the tears in her eyes when she looked their hands; she couldn’t stop smiling, her hands trembling when Stella put the ring on her finger. 

„It’s beautiful,“ Scully whispered before she cupped Stella’s face and kissed her. She got of the chair and stood between Stella’s legs, putting her arms around her and deepened the kiss. Now it was all starting to make sense; this had been the reason for Stella’s worries. It explained her distance and the tension that had lingered between them for days. 

Stella put her arms around Dana, her head on her shoulder. She felt a tremendous amount of relief wash over her and the fear she had felt for weeks finally fell off her shoulders. As wonderful as this turned out to be she still felt like a nervous wreck and she knew the only way to make this go away would be to finally allow herself to cry. She sobbed against Dana’s shoulder until it turned into laughter and she had no idea what she was doing any longer. Scully felt the tears in her eyes and smiled, gently putting her forehead against Stella’s. No one spoke for a few moments while they stood in their messy kitchen, trying to grasp what had happened. 

It was the right thing to do and they both knew it. 

Scully took a deep breath and wiped the last traces of tears from Stella’s cheeks. 

„I love you,“ Scully whispered with a smile and kissed Stella again. 

„I love you, too,“ Stella replied, thinking that these words suddenly seemed a little easier.

„I know it’s not exactly what you had in mind,“ Scully said and looked around. „But it couldn’t have been more perfect.“

„I was so scared,“ Stella said and put her head on Dana’s shoulder. „I need a drink.“

Scully looked at her finger, the weight of the ring unusual for her. It was beautiful and she was bursting with joy; she knew it would take a few days to understand what was happening. She watched Stella while she poured them a glass of wine, thinking of all the words she had in mind. There were so many things she wanted to say but maybe she would save them for the wedding. She took the glass from Stella, glad that the alcohol seemed to soothe her nerves but it didn’t change the fact that she was starving. 

„Are we going to order something to eat now?“

„Yes,“ Stella laughed. „I guess it’s better that way,“ she said with a look to the stove.

They ignored everything else while they were cuddled up on the couch, waiting for their food. They didn’t talk much but didn’t seem to be able to keep their hands off each others, couldn’t stop kissing. It almost felt like Scully was afraid that this was nothing but a dream and she’d wake up any minute. They ate dinner on the couch, carelessly finishing the bottle of wine until they stumbled into the bedroom a little later that night, leaving a trail of clothes in their wake.

Stella was fast asleep beside her but she couldn’t take her hand away, couldn’t stop drawing small circles on her lower back although it was almost too warm to be cuddling like this. The cool breeze that blew in through the open window did almost nothing to cool her slightly sweating skin. 

She couldn’t stop looking at the ring, thinking that she was - for once - the luckiest person on earth. It might not be perfect but it was most certainly perfect for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	41. Let Those Who Are In Favor With Their Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/j320msicv/I_am_Scully_41.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s33.postimg.cc/j320msicv/I_am_Scully_41.gif)   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> _A/N: Thank you for being so patient with me. I hope you're all enjoying the summer!_  
> 

_Let those who are in favor with their stars_  
Of public honor and proud titles boast,  
Whilst I, whom fortune of such triumph bars,  
Unlooked for joy in that I honor most.  
Great princes' favorites their fair leaves spread  
But as the marigold at the sun’s eye,  
And in themselves their pride lies burièd,  
For at a frown they in their glory die.  
The painful warrior famousèd for worth,  
After a thousand victories once foiled,  
Is from the book of honor razèd quite,  
And all the rest forgot for which he toiled.  
  Then happy I that love and am belovèd  
  Where I may not remove nor be removèd. 

_[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 25 „Let Those In Favor With The Stars“]_

***

Scully carefully navigated through the tables and customers until she spotted him by the window. Mulder had texted her last night, asking whether she had time for coffee because he was in London for business. 

She had agreed immediately, thinking that it suited her just fine. It had been almost three weeks already and she didn’t want him to find out about the engagement through someone else. She had always thought that it had to be her when it came to sharing the news. The closer she had got to the cafe, the more nervous she had felt. 

What if he already knew and that’s why he had asked to see her?

She hadn’t considered it to be such a big deal but now that she saw him sitting there with a gentle smile on his face, she felt her heart flutter a little. 

„Hey,“ he said and rose to meet her. 

„Nice to see you,“ she said and kissed him on the cheek once before she sat down and took off her scarf. The temperature had dropped down significantly over the last couple of days and she still hadn’t mastered that change of weather. She was either dressed too warm or too light. 

Scully ordered a cafe latte when the waitress walked by and nervously fidgeted with her hands. It only took her an instant to realize that she was trying to hide the engagement ring from him.  
She wondered which option hurt less, saying it straight away or starting with a little bit of chit chat before she got right to the point. 

„How come you’re in town?“ she asked and leaned back. 

„Just taking care of a few things for work. I was supposed to meet up with a colleague but he stood me up.“

„Oh, so that’s why you called me,“ she said playfully. „Cause your friend didn’t show up.“

„That’s not what I meant,“ he said and she laughed. „It was work related and I called you before I knew that he wouldn’t make it.“

„It’s alright Mulder,“ Scully said and laughed, thanking the waitress when her coffee arrived. „So, how have you been?“

„I’m fine,“ he said and looked at her. „I’ve been working a lot.“

That much wasn’t actually new but she was still somewhat skeptical about the first part. Scully wanted to remind him that it has been a year since they had ended it but then she remembered that it wasn’t true. It has been a year since it had ended for her and she had met Stella but it had taken another couple of months until she had told Mulder the truth. 

She dropped that thought and sighed, thinking that there was no need to avoid what had to be done. 

„What about you?“ he asked. „You look great.“

„Thank you,“ she said softly and added: „Mulder, I need to tell you something.“

He tensed a little, his composure a little straighter than before. He immediately expected something terrible and - given their history - she couldn’t even blame him. 

„What is it, Scully?“

She took a deep breath and looked up to meet his eyes. 

„I’m gonna get married,“ she said and let go of her hand, revealing the engagement ring that was hard to miss after all. 

He looked at her, not quite sure what to say. His mind was still processing the information she had just shared.

„Wow… congratulations,“ he said and sipped his coffee in an attempt to avoid the tension that was suddenly hanging between them. Scully felt her heart sink; she knew that he was hurt.

„Thank you,“ she said carefully, not sure what to make of his answer. This couldn’t be all he had to say after everything they had been through. 

„Well, that was quick,“ he added without looking at her. He hadn’t meant for it to sound accusing but it was too late to take it back. 

Scully looked at him, a surge of anger and disappointment rushing through her. Without actually paying attention she was slowly playing with the ring on her finger, knowing that it had been the only right thing to do and the man, who had failed to take the next step in the twenty-five years that they have known each other, certainly wasn’t the right one to accuse her of anything. 

„I don’t have another twenty-five years, in case you hadn’t noticed,“ she hissed, trying to keep her voice down. 

„That’s not what I meant,“ he said, realizing that he had said those words only a couple of moments earlier. 

„Then why say it?“

„I’m sorry,“ he said. „Can we just… start over again?“

„No,“ she said and reached for her cup of coffee, ignoring him for a little while. 

„Scully, don’t do this to me.“

„How am I supposed to forget what you just said?“

„I’m sorry, okay? I was just… surprised.“

„I was so excited and I… I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.“

„I appreciate that,“ he said, wishing he could take his words back. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, it was just difficult for him to wrap his head around what she had just said. 

„Well,“ Scully said. „I am getting married.“

„Congratulations,“ he said and reached for her hand.

***

Stella sat in her office, absent-mindedly twisting the engagement ring on her finger. Every now and then the feeling of it startled her; Dana had insisted that she should wear a ring too so she had allowed her fiancée to talk her into going to the shops one lazy Sunday.

What Dana didn’t know was that Stella had taken the ring off at work most of the time. She felt guilty and stupid about it; she had been the one who proposed and it wasn’t that she didn’t love Dana and wanted to be with her but she couldn’t wrap her head around it just yet. 

She had been so excited when she had finally gathered the courage to propose and, although everything had gone wrong that day, it had still felt right and everything had turned out fine. She had wanted to tell everyone, let every person know that Dana decided to stay with her but her joy hadn’t lasted too long. It had felt weird somehow because she felt like she didn’t have friends to share it with and she believed that most people she worked with didn’t care at all.  
Her joy had faded and she had felt like she wasn’t ready to face her nosy colleagues and their looks, knowing that she would be on top of their gossip list for quite some time, making them guess which person on this earth had decided to be with her. 

She sighed and leaned back, feeling a little stupid because she had never given a damn about what they said and she knew that she owed this to Dana. Stella pushed herself away from her desk, slowly leaving her office to grab another cup of coffee. The ring on her finger felt incredibly heavy all of a sudden but she felt a faint smile on her lips when she glanced down at her hand. She felt relieved, feeling somewhat proud while she walked past her colleagues. By the time she stepped into the kitchen she wondered whether anyone had noticed her at all, sighing softly when she realized how much of an idiot she had been. 

She was lost in thoughts, slowly stirring her coffee when she heard someone walk in. He smiled at her when he saw her, reaching for a cup. She knew she had seen him around every now and then but she couldn’t recall his name. He looked friendly and kind somehow. 

„Congratulations,“ he said quietly while he poured himself a coffee. 

Stella still hand’t moved or properly acknowledged him, she was still somewhere else with her thoughts. 

„Excuse me?“ she said, finally coming to her senses. 

„I said ‚Congratulations‘“ he repeated and pointed at her ring with the spoon that he had just stirred his coffee with. 

„Oh,“ Stella said softly. „Thank you. I didn’t think anyone would notice at all.“

„They did,“ the officer said and laughed. „They’ve been wondering who it is all morning.“

„Mhm,“ Stella hummed and nodded. 

„Sorry, that’s not very nice, it’s no one’s business.“

„I already expected that to happen,“ Stella admitted and gave him a short smile. 

„You think they’ll figure it out?“

„Not a chance in hell,“ Stella said and chuckled. 

„Whoever it is, I hope you’ll be happy,“ he said and she believed every word he said.

„Thank you,“ Stella replied, feeling slightly touched; she still hadn’t figured out his name by the time he said goodbye and left but she was too embarrassed to ask because he had been so nice.

***

„Oh God,“ Stella groaned and kicked off her shoes the moment she walked in. She was exhausted and starving and the sweet smell that welcomed her was heavenly.

„What is this? This smells delicious!“ she said while she walked into the kitchen. 

„Cinnamon buns,“ Scully said and smiled when she saw Stella. 

„Oh God, I’m starving,“ Stella said and kissed her before she sat down and reached for one of the buns. 

„They’re for dessert!“

„There’s enough for ten people, love,“ Stella said in her defense and put a warm piece in her mouth. 

Scully smiled before she turned around to wash her hands. Stella watched her for a few seconds, knowing that she only liked to bake when she was upset about something. 

„Wanna tell me what happened?“ Stella asked softly.

„Mhm?“ Dana asked when she turned off the oven. 

„Do you want to tell me what upset you?“

„What if I were just craving homemade cinnamon buns?“

Stella raised an eyebrow at her. 

„Fine, but not in the kitchen and not before we’ve had dinner.“

„What are we having?“

„Pumpkin soup,“ Scully said and Stella actually felt excited because it tasted amazing. She had never given a damn about cooking much for herself but she was certainly getting used to the whole domestic thing with Dana.

About an hour later they were both cuddled up on the sofa, wearing their pajamas. The weather had been rather unpleasant recently and autumn had come with a lot of rain; even from where they were sitting Stella heard the soft tap of rain against the windows. 

She felt warm and cozy beside Dana, fatigue slowly lulling her in when she remembered that there was something she needed to share - and that she still hadn’t finished her dessert. 

„So,“ Stella said. „What is it?“

„I told Mulder about our engagement today.“

„I guess he didn’t take it well?“

„I don’t know…“ Scully said and sighed. „Maybe it wasn’t what I had expected.“

„Well, what did you expect him to do or say?“

„Good question,“ Scully said and laughed. „We kinda snapped at each other and I was… disappointed. I was so excited to tell him about it, thinking it’d be best he heard it from me and then he just… blew it somehow.“

„What was it that he said?“ Stella wondered. 

„He said something like ‚oh, that was quick‘ and then I told him that I don’t have another twenty-five years, you know…“

„Ouch,“ Stella threw in. 

„I tried again, I didn’t want to argue with him and he congratulated us but I’m not sure he actually meant it.“

„Maybe you need to give him some time?“

„Yes, maybe,“ Scully said and sipped her tea while Stella nibbled on the cinnamon bun that she had tried before dinner.

There was a brief moment of silence in which Stella thought of something that she needed to share with her fiancée. She still felt guilty for not wearing the ring at work and she didn’t want to lie about it. 

„I need to tell you something,“ Stella said and took a deep breath. 

Scully looked at her and waited; Stella slowly twisted the ring on her finger. 

„I didn’t wear the ring at work,“ she explained quietly. 

„I don’t understand,“ Scully said, still trying to figure out what Stella wanted to tell her with this. 

„At first,“ Stella said. „When I first got the ring, I took it off at work.“

„Oh,“ Scully said, not sure what to make of that. 

„Please don’t get it wrong… I…“

„No… it’s… I’m just trying to understand. Why?“

„I really don’t know,“ Stella said and shook her head. Deep inside she wondered whether that was true, maybe she knew exactly why she had taken it off. 

„Why didn’t you say something?“

„Because I felt stupid!“

„Maybe I shouldn’t have talked you into getting one in the first place.“

„No, Dana,“ Stella said and reached for her hand. „It has nothing to do with you and I love it. I love you and I don’t ever want to take it off, not anymore.“

„Then why did it bother you so much that you felt the need to hide it?“

Stella bit her lip, slowly counting to five before she continued. She knew that Dana had any right to be hurt by what she had done, she just hadn’t been ready for that; it was the last thing she had wanted. 

„You know what they used to think of me at work, the kind of reputation I had,“ Stella said quietly and looked at her hands. Scully actually started feeling sorry for her. She didn’t want to be angry, she just felt frustrated after such a long day. 

„I’m not close to anyone and I know they love to talk about me behind my back, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to stay with anyone for more than a night.“  
They had talked about it before. Stella had always appeared invincible, not giving a shit about gossip or others opinion of her but Scully knew that it wasn’t exactly true. It did hurt but she would never admit that to anyone, especially not her colleagues. 

„I was so excited, I really wanted to share the news and then I realized that I had no one to share it with. I didn’t want them to see it and talk about me or ask questions that are no ones business.“

„I understand,“ Scully said softly and this time she actually did. 

Stella turned her head and looked at her. 

„You’re not mad at me?“

„No, I’m not,“ Scully said and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

„I wore the ring today, for the first time.“

„What changed your mind?“

„You did,“ Stella said. „I knew it wasn’t fair and it didn’t feel right.“

„How did it go?“

„I really don’t know what I expected to be honest,“ Stella said and laid her arm around Dana. „I almost felt like no one noticed or gave a damn.“

„Maybe they just didn’t say anything?“

„Probably,“ Stella said. „Someone did though. A young officer walked into the kitchen while I was getting a coffee. He said ‚congratulations‘ and that he hoped I’d be happy.“

„That’s nice.“

„Yes,“ Stella said. „I was surprised… I hand’t expected that and he seemed very kind.“

„Did you work with him before?“

„I really don’t know,“ Stella admitted. „That’s what’s bugging me, you know. He was so kind and genuine and I didn’t even remember his name and I didn’t want to ask because it was embarrassing!“

Scully laughed. 

„But there was something else I realized today.“

„That you worried for nothing?“

„Apart from that,“ Stella said. „I felt very… proud to be wearing the ring. I want them to know that it is you I’m going to marry one day.“

„That’s great,“ Scully said and turned her head a little to kiss Stella. 

„You want to watch something?“

„I don’t know,“ Scully said. „I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep soon.“

„Let’s leave it off then,“ Stella said and turned towards Dana. 

„Tell me what’s on your mind,“ Stella said and reached out, gently putting her hand on Scully’s cheek. „You seem a little distracted.“

Scully bit her lip and smiled nervously. She hadn’t expected her to notice that something was troubling her and she wasn’t sure she was ready to find the right words for what was bothering her. 

„Are you still thinking about the conversation with Mulder?“

„No,“ Scully said and shook her head. „That’s not what’s bothering me.“  
„So, what is it?“ Stella asked softly, not wanting to push her when she wasn’t ready. 

„It’s just… on the way home today I was thinking about who I’d invite for the wedding. I know it’s still a while and we haven’t even talked about it or found a date… just, for fun,“ she said and Stella nodded. 

„I feel like I have no one left that I’d love to invite to our wedding, except for Charlie.“

„I like Charlie,“ Stella said with a gentle smile. „What about Liz and Irene? It doesn’t have to be big, you know? I’d be alright with just the two of us.“

Scully smiled, briefly closing her eyes. 

„I was thinking about Washington and… if there’s anyone back there who I’d like to have at the wedding.“

„What about your other brother?“ Stella wondered, knowing that they weren’t close. 

„I’m not sure I want him there. I know it’s sad because he’s family but we’ve never been close and… he has never approved of any choice I made in life.“

„You really don’t need his approval.“

„I know but I don’t want anyone there that makes me feel like I did something wrong, knowing that he’d rather be somewhere else.“

„It’s our wedding. Your day and my day and we can invite whoever we’re happy with,“ Stella said, thinking that it didn’t feel weird at all to be talking about things like that all of a sudden. 

„Speaking of that, I haven’t even told him that I’m in a relationship with a woman, let alone get married. I don’t even remember the last time I talked to him and I promised Charlie he’d get to be there when I break the big news to Bill.“

„Just take your time,“ Stella said. „Whenever you’re ready.“

„You know,“ Scully said after a few minutes. „Speaking of home, I wonder if there’s anyone back there who misses me.“

„Are you thinking of anyone in particular?“

„No, it’s not like I left any friends behind. It doesn’t feel that way. I have no family left in the US, except for Bill and the kids of course, but apart from that I wondered what I have left behind. Did I just leave and disappear for everyone or does someone actually remember me and wonder what I’m up to?“

„Do you miss anyone?“

„Not really, except for my parents maybe.“

„I’m wondering what I left behind and how they remember me by, if they do at all. Maybe I’ll forever be the crazy FBI Agent who left with spooky Fox Mulder.“

„Maybe they’ll never forget about you after all.“

„That’s not the point,“ Scully said.

„I know.“

„Do you think your mother misses you?“

„I don’t know,“ Stella said quietly. „I haven’t thought about her much, it’s almost like she doesn’t exist any longer. Every now and then I suddenly remember her and that I haven’t heard her voice in such a long time and then I think about calling her and I know I’ll simply feel disappointed and empty afterwards and then I never do.“

„I wish it wouldn’t be that way.“

„Maybe every once in a while I think about her and I wonder whether she misses me or thinks about me at all. Maybe a part of me wants her to miss me, to make me feel like I didn’t screw up entirely.“

„It’s really not your fault and you know that.“

„You’re right,“ Stella said with a sigh. „How about we do something else?

„What would that be? I thought we didn’t want to watch a movie?“

„I don’t know,“ Stella said, her fingers running up and down Scully’s arm. „We could just make out.“

Scully started laughing and this time she really did and it felt great. She felt herself relaxing a little, the worries of the day falling off her shoulders. 

„What’s so funny about that? I was serious,“ Stella said innocently. 

„You’re terrible.“

„I know.“

„What would I do without you?“ Scully said and cupped Stella’s face before she kissed her. 

„You taste like cinnamon.“

„So is that a ‚yes‘?

Without saying a word Scully leaned forward, pushing Stella on her back. She didn’t say anything but kissed her instead.

„Yes,“ Scully whispered between kisses and smiled against her lovers lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	42. There Is A Wistfulness In The Breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s15.postimg.cc/emirfnf2j/SCULLY42.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s15.postimg.cc/emirfnf2j/SCULLY42.gif)   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> _A/N: Because the previous one took a bit longer I decided to give you this a little early._  
> 

There is a wistfulness in the breeze  
That caresses my hair  
And the warmth of the autumn sun  
Stirs a longing in my soul -  
Where did the time go? 

I recall days of endless wonder  
Never at a loss for adventure  
Experience filled my days  
With joy and sorrow -  
I never thought it would end; 

Now I treasure every moment  
Holding them close to my heart  
Making deep impressions  
To last me through the winter  
For spring may never come; 

And you will be the one thought  
That will carry me through the night  
Stay close, my love,  
Whisper soft and sweet  
The words I'll always remember. 

[Linda Ori]

***

Scully dragged herself into the on-call room, desperately craving a few hours of sleep before the next emergency came in. She laid back and closed her eyes, wondering why on earth she was still doing nightshifts after all. Not too long ago working these hours had provided a much-needed break from her dull routine with Mulder but now that she was living with Stella it didn’t seem necessary any more; there was no need for an escape, no wish to get away when things got to overwhelming.

She sighed with exhaustion, feeling too restless to find sleep although she was absolutely shattered. She wore scrubs and fluffy socks but it didn’t actually feel nice and warm. She missed her cosy pajamas and Stella by her side. Scully reached into her pocket to retrieve her phone, wondering how many messages she had missed already. It had been rather chaotic at the beginning of her shift with far too many patients swamping the emergency room because flu season had hit them full force. 

She had promised to call Stella though she hadn’t expected it to take so long; it was almost eleven when she waited for Stella to answer her call. 

„Hello stranger,“ she said softly after the fourth ring, sounding a little breathless. 

„Did I disturb you somehow?“ Scully asked with a sly smile and raised an eyebrow. 

„What? No, I was just in the shower,“ Stella said and laughed. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing nothing but a towel, ready to rub some lotion on her warm skin. „How is it going?“

„It’s a nightmare,“ Scully said and stifled a yawn. „I was trying to sleep a bit but I can’t. I wish I was at home.“

„Mhm, I wish you were here too,“ Stella said with a cheeky grin on her face, thinking of a way to distract Dana from her little misery and hopefully help her fall asleep. 

„I just need a little distraction.“

„And you think I can give that to you?“ Stella asked quietly, not ready to give in just yet. 

„I don’t know, can you? What are you wearing?“ Scully joked, softly laughing to herself. 

„Actually,“ Stella said and moved from the edge of the bed to her side, leaning back against the headrest. „I’m not wearing any clothes.“

„Tell me more,“ Scully said, making sure there was no one around to listen. 

„Curious?“

„I’ll take whatever I can get. What were you up to?“

„I just had a nice long shower,“ Stella said in a low voice. „And now my skin is all warm and soft.“

„Mhm,“ Scully hummed, closing her eyes. 

She knew exactly what it felt like and how much she loved running her hands over Stella’s skin, right after a shower. She loved to kiss the soft spots and breathe in the faint smell of her shower gel. 

„Are you on your own?“ Stella asked and Scully bit her lip. 

She’d lie saying that she hadn’t briefly considered the possibility of a sweet release to lull her into sleep but somehow this just felt wrong. Not bad or off-putting, it just didn’t seem to be the right place; she couldn’t afford to get caught. On second thought she had always said that about their basement office back in the day and by the time she was done she had lost track of all the times she and Mulder had had sex down there.

„Stella,“ she laughed. „This is not Grey’s Anatomy.“

„What?“

„Never mind,“ she said, her free hand absent-mindedly playing with the hem of her pants. „You were saying?“

Stella knew what Dana liked and that she was probably in no position to do much talking without giving away what she was up to but she would be happy to do that for her. 

„I can talk to you until you fall asleep,“ Stella suggested, smiling to herself. 

„That would be lovely,“ Scully said, trying to hide the disappointment from her voice and closed her eyes. „I’m listening.“

„I’m sitting on the bed and my eyes are closed,“ Stella said softly, almost whispering. „I’m naked and my skin is still warm, it feels soft to the touch. It’s silky and my touch leaves goosebumps in its wake.“

Scully sighed.

„I’m slowly rubbing some oil on my arms and my tummy, wishing you were here to watch me.“

Stella had always imagined that it would be weird to be seduced like that but the distance between them somehow made it easier. It was one thing to pleasure herself and keep her fantasies to herself but saying it out loud was more challenging than she had anticipated.

„I’m cupping my breasts,“ Stella said, keeping her phone between her head and shoulder. She had always thought that there was something incredibly satisfying about rubbing lotion on your tits. „It feels so good. Are you still with me, Dana?“

„Yes,“ she whispered, losing herself in Stella’s descriptions. 

She felt safe and comfortable, hidden beneath the thick blanket. She was quiet and calm, looking as if she were asleep to anyone who might walk in on her. 

„Touch yourself,“ Stella whispered.

Scully had been playing with the hem of her panties while she hung onto every word Stella had said. Her fingers found its way into the warmth of her crotch, brushing over the damp fabric of her panties. 

„God, I’m so wet already,“ Stella breathed. 

„Shit,“ Scully whispered and bit her lip. She pushed the fabric of her panties aside, her fingers gliding through her slick folds. 

„I’m touching my clit, slowly rubbing it in circles,“ Stella whispered and Scully followed her words, doing the exact same thing. She knew it probably wouldn’t end up being fancy in some way but it would be practical. She felt the warmth radiate from her center, a slight tingle emanating in her lower belly. 

„I’m circling my clit, spreading the wetness I find there. I push two fingers inside, slowly fucking my entrance and I wish it was you; I wish it was your tongue. Do you like how I taste?“  
„Yes.“

„Yes, what?“ Stella asked.

„I wish I could taste your sweet pussy and feel you come against my mouth.“

„That’s it, baby,“ Stella breathed; it was driving her crazy when Dana talked to her that way. 

She fingered herself, a little faster this time. She didn’t know what Dana was up to but judging by the sound of her uneven breaths she wasn’t far off from her release. Scully pushed her heels into the mattress, teasing herself. She bit her lip, attempting to stay quiet while the orgasm built inside of her. She felt it tingle in her belly, the warmth radiating all the way to her toes.

She listened to Stella, who had never been particularly vocal during sex, and tried to remain quiet herself. 

„Ungh,“ Scully hummed through gritted teeth, turning her head aside. 

Stella gave her a few seconds to collect herself while she covered herself with the towel that she had worn before. 

„How do you feel?“

„Calm,“ Scully said and smiled; it wasn’t anything special compared to their usual encounters but it helped. She knew that the rush of oxytocin was responsible for it and she hoped that it’d be enough to make her sleepy. 

„Go to sleep, Dana,“ Stella said and got up to get dressed.

„Good night,“ Scully whispered. 

„I’ll see you in the morning, love. Night,“ she knew it was time for her to get some rest before new patients came in.

Scully turned on her side and smiled. It only took her a few minutes until she drifted off to sleep - at least for the next four hours.

***

Scully unlocked the front door after what felt like a never-ending drive home. The warmth that engulfed her couldn’t even ward off the chill that had settled within her bones, only a good nights sleep would do that.

It smelled of fresh coffee, toast and Stella’s perfume. 

„Morning,“ Scully said and yawned. She was still wearing her scrubs because she couldn’t be bothered to change earlier as she was dying to get home to her bed. 

„Good morning, doctor,“ Stella said and put her cup down. She put her hands on Dana’s hips and kissed her. „Did you sleep well?“

„I feel like I didn’t sleep at all,“ Scully said and put her head on Stella’s shoulder. 

„Didn’t it help a little last night?“

„It did,“ Scully said and laughed. „That was naughty.“

„I’m glad it did and I’m not complaining.“

Scully sat down and watched Stella pour her a cup of coffee. She put her face in her hands and closed her eyes for a few moments. Stella felt sorry for her, wishing that there was something she could do for her fiancée. She looked shattered, ready to go to sleep at any moment. 

„Everything okay? Or are you just tired?“ Stella asked and sat down, joining her for a few more minutes before she had to leave for work. 

„I don’t know,“ Scully said and leaned her head on her hand. „I can’t do this anymore, Stella.“

„What are you talking about?“

„This,“ Scully said and pointed at her outfit. „The whole driving to Oxford and working nightshifts all the time. It’s tiring and… I don’t want to do this anymore.“

„You don’t have to,“ Stella said gently. 

„I’d rather be closer to you and I hate that it always takes ages to get home after such a long night.“

„I understand,“ Stella said. 

„It’s just not the same any more.“

„You live in London now, maybe it’s time to take the next step; leave something behind. You shouldn’t have a job that makes you unhappy.“

„It’s not just the job,“ Scully said and sipped her coffee. She was starving and at the same time she was too tired to concern herself with food. „It’s just… I really don’t know. I think I’d rather work in London. I’ve realized that the only reason I’ve enjoyed going back was Liz.“

„Working in London won’t change that she’s your friend.“

„Exactly,“ Scully said. „It just took me some time to understand that. It’s scary somehow, starting again and finding something new. God knows how long it’ll take. I wouldn’t even mind going back to working as a pathologist if that’s what it takes.“

„Actually,“ Stella said and finished her coffee. „You don’t have to work at all.“

Scully looked surprised for a moment. 

„I like my job… most of the time.“

„What I mean is that there’s no need to worry if it takes a little longer to find something new.“

„That’s very soothing somehow.“

„And if you consider going back to law enforcement or working as a pathologist I believe that we could always use some help in that department.“

„I’ll think about it,“ Scully said, wondering if working with Stella would be a good idea. She had done this before and it had actually been nice to separate her work and her relationship.

She was glad that the truth was finally out but that was all she could manage so early in the morning. Functioning properly on such a lack of sleep didn’t seem possible any longer and all she wanted was a nice shower and a few hours of sleep. 

„We’ll talk about it another time,“ Stella said. „I’ll have to leave soon.“

„What time will you be back?“

„I should be home around four unless something unexpected comes up.“

„Will you wake me when you get back?“

„Of course, love,“ Stella said. „Go to bed.“

„I’ll see you later,“ she kissed her again and a couple of minutes later Scully stepped into the shower, trying to wash the smell of the hospital off her skin. 

When she was done she stood in front of the wardrobe, wondering which piece of clothing would be most comfortable. 

A smile crossed her face when she found the perfect piece, slipped into her pajamas and fluffy socks and got comfortable on Stella’s side of the bed, breathing in the faint scent from her pillow.

***

It was quiet when Stella came home that afternoon. The empty cups, they had used this morning, were still on the counter where they had sat. There was a time when it would have upset her because she had always been keen on maintaining order in any part of her life but, to her surprise, she realized that it wasn’t upsetting at all.  
She found Dana in bed, still sleeping soundly on her side of the bed. Stella quietly watched her for a few moments, a smile crossing her lips.  
She felt her heart swell a little, the amount of love she had for the woman sleeping in her bed was almost too much to bear.

She had promised to wake her up when she got back but right now she didn’t have the heart to do so; she looked so cute and peaceful in her sleep and Stella wanted to give her a few more minutes. She kicked off her shoes before she walked into the room and climbed onto the bed. 

„It’s me, love,“ Stella said, gently kissing the corner of her lip. 

„Mhm,“ Dana hummed without opening her eyes. She couldn’t believe that most of the day was over already, it felt like she had just put her head down.

„Time to wake up,“ Stella whispered and leaned back; she cuddled up to Dana’s side. 

Stella had never wasted her time with naps, had never allowed herself to take some rest in the middle of the day but right now this didn’t seem to be such a bad idea. Work had been stressful and the weather was unpleasant; it was cold and rainy and she had no intention to get out there again. It wasn’t even four in the afternoon and sunlight was gone already; it had been overcast all day. 

Dana’s sleeping body was warm, the blanket inviting and cosy. Stella closed her eyes and took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a brief moment. She felt the stress of the day fall off her shoulders, realizing, for the first time that day, how exhausted she was. Before she knew it she drifted off to sleep beside Dana, who made no move to get out of bed.

***

„You were supposed to wake me,“ Scully mumbled and turned around when she realized that Stella was still asleep beside her. She had a light headache that she blamed on dehydration, still feeling tired.

„What time is it?“ Stella whispered, turning on her tummy. 

„No clue,“ Scully said, trying to catch a glimpse at the clock on the bedside table. It could be some time in the afternoon or in the middle of the night; it was dark outside and there was no way to tell without actually dragging herself out of bed. 

„I just came in here to wake you,“ Stella said and sat up, feeling a tad bit uncomfortable since she was still wearing her business attire.

„That worked well,“ Scully said and laughed, sitting beside Stella. 

„What now?“ Stella asked, wondering how much of the day was actually left. 

„We could just stay in bed,“ Scully suggested with a smile. „Or get up and make the best out of what’s left of this glorious Tuesday.“

„I’m not so sure,“ Stella said and kicked off the blanket. „It’s nice and warm here but I need to get out of these clothes.“

„It’s almost 7pm,“ Scully said and yawned. „I hate nightshifts.“

„Did you think about what you said this morning?“

„Not really, but I don’t think I changed my mind. I just don’t want to do it any longer.“

„I told you that you don’t have to,“ Stella said from the adjoining bathroom. „We have enough money as it is.“

„Do you want me to be your stay-at-home wife?“

„I wouldn’t dream of it,“ Stella laughed, leaning against the doorframe; as strange as it seemed she loved the sound of the word „wife“. 

Scully wondered if she was ready to work in law enforcement again. Doing autopsies had been calming somehow; she would work on her own and it would be quiet but was that really what she wanted to get back to? It wasn’t a decision she would take lightly, it needed more time and right now there was something else that continued to concern her.

„I think I need to talk to Mulder again.“

„Did you hear from him?“

„No, but I feel like I wasn’t fair when I surprised him with the engagement news, I should’ve been a little more considerate.“

„He might just need some time,“ Stella said. 

She thought he just needed to get over it and move on but it was easy for her to say. She hadn’t spent the last twenty-five years with that man so she kept that thought to herself. 

„Well, whatever it is,“ Stella said and reached for her comfy clothes. „I’m fine with it. I just want you to be happy.“

„Thank you.“

Scully got off the bed, hugging Stella from behind; placing a soft kiss on her shoulder. It was nice to know that there was someone concerned with her well-being.

„You know what would make me happy right now?“

„I’m all ears,“ Stella said and turned around in her arms.

„I’m starving,“ Scully laughed. 

„Well, as long as we don’t have to get out of the house again, it’s fine. I already took off my bra and I have no intention to change that until tomorrow morning.“

„Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll find something quick and easy to make at home.“

She followed Dana into the kitchen, catching a glimpse of the panties Dana was wearing. 

„Are you wearing my panties?“ Stella asked, recognizing the midnight blue lace.

„No,“ Scully said, attempting to keep the smile off her face; she didn’t turn around to look at Stella. 

„What would you like to eat?“

„Cheeky you,“ Stella said, leaning against her; Scully laughed. 

„Says the one who seduced me over the phone while I was working.“

„You were at work but not actually working,“ Stella agreed. „Did you enjoy it?“

„Mhm, but I’d rather feel your hands on me instead of just hearing your voice.“

„I think we can do something about that…“

„Can we have some food first?“ Scully asked and checked the fridge and its contents. 

Stella sat down and watched her fiancée for a little while. The amount of love she felt threatened to overwhelm her time and time again. It wasn’t something she was used to, it still seemed to take time. It felt right and soothing and, although she couldn’t shake off the uneasiness that was still lingering inside of her, she knew that she was on the right path.  
There was always a hint of fear inside of her, a lifelong companion that she had grown up with, trying to convince her that something was wrong but she knew better. She had learned not to listen to it and the moments in which she was too weak to fight back were slowly decreasing. 

Stella knew it wouldn’t be easy; it would most certainly be hard but she wanted this and she wanted Dana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share what's on your mind:
> 
> [JaneIsles on twitter](https://twitter.com/JaneIsles)


	43. One Day We Will Be Happy Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [](https://s22.postimg.cc/o07udubjl/Stella_Scully43.gif)   
>    
>  [](https://s22.postimg.cc/o07udubjl/Stella_Scully43.gif)   
> 

__

How to let someone you love go  
and let the friendship remain?  
Can we turn back the time  
and start over once again? 

We don't really want to let go  
but deep inside us is echoing we must.  
Our hearts insist to stay  
but it's the mind we should trust.

We have shared a lot of good times;  
the words of wisdom brought us together  
the principles in life made us closer  
and love lead us to understand better.

One day we will be happy again  
with our love ones, with our self-consciousness  
and on some quiet tomorrow  
we will realize things were better this way  
letting go takes love.

[Jazlle D.H.]

***

It was raining when Scully was on her way to Oxford, the dreadful weather slowing down her journey profoundly. She was annoyed, almost feeling like she made that trip for the first time.  
It appeared more foreign every time she left London; she was starting to leave it behind, Oxford was no longer a consistent part of her life. It was fading slowly while she built her life around Stella a little more each day. She would always treasure some of the memories that had been made in the small town and she’d always have friends to go back to but she didn’t mourn leaving it after all.

She hadn’t made up her mind about quitting her job at the hospital, had not actually thought about it or looked for something closer to home. She had simply pretended that the problem didn’t exist, soothing herself with blissful ignorance. She wasn’t sure what to do and what the right thing would be; it drove her crazy that she couldn’t make up her mind. She knew that, deep inside she had made a decision. Her heart had already quit and moved to London permanently she just had to gather the courage to say it out loud and actually take the next step. 

There was another reason for visiting her former home. She felt guilty because she had surprised Mulder with the engagement news. She hadn’t meant to blow him out of the water. She knew she hadn’t been fair and the turn their conversation had taken real quick wasn’t what she had in mind when she first thought about it. She wanted to apologize to him without reopening old scores.

***

She ducked away from the rain, making her way to the front door at a fast pace. It took him about three seconds to open the door, quickly ushering her in and closing the front door behind her.

„I didn’t mean to spring on you like this,“ Scully apologized while she shrugged off her soaked coat. 

„It’s okay,“ he said. „I’ve been meaning to talk to you anyway.“

He sounded calm and content, looking quite handsome in a soft black wool sweater and his two-day-old beard.

„I thought so,“ she said and followed him into the place that had once been her comfortable living room. She thought of the dozens of cushions that she had kept on the sofa; they were now at her place in London. „It sounded like there was something on your mind.“

„Would you like some coffee or tea?“ he offered and, for the first time, she actually looked around. It was then that she noticed that something was different. There was hardly anything left in the house as most of Mulder’s possessions were packed up in various boxes lined up by the window. On second glance there was nothing but the most basic things left and it didn’t look quite as comfortable as it once had. 

„Mulder, what’s going on?“ she asked quietly, following him into the kitchen. 

„That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.“

She wasn’t sure whether she liked where this was going, she had this uneasy feeling in her gut, waiting for him to let her know what was happening. She sat down in the kitchen while he placed a warm cup of coffee in front of her; it was a white cup with a cute cartoon fox that said: „Oh, for fox’ sake“. 

She briefly smiled at it and the memory that it stirred in the back of her mind. She had bought it on a road trip one day to mock him; he hadn’t been quite as amused as she had been, trying not to smile while she couldn’t stop laughing. 

He sat down opposite her and sighed. 

„I was trying to find a nice way to say it,“ he said and smiled nervously. It wasn’t actually bad news but something told him that it wouldn’t be easy for both of them. 

„Just… just say it,“ Scully said carefully, trying to swallow the nervousness rising in her lower belly. 

„Scully, I’m moving back to Washington,“ he said and suddenly it hung between them, a heavily weighing silence in which she tried to figure out how she felt about what he had just told her. 

„I don’t understand,“ she said more to herself, speaking softly while she cradled her cup of coffee. 

„I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.“

„But why?“ she asked, sounding almost sad. Somehow it felt like she knew the answer but it hurt to let the truth sink in. 

„That’s a good question,“ he said and leaned his face on his hand. Could he really tell her that there was nothing keeping him in England any longer? He didn’t want her to take it the wrong way. „It’s just… I feel like my job here is done.“

„I thought you came here to start again, to leave it all behind and… move on.“

„You have,“ he said gently. 

There was a heavy weight on her chest, a heavy sadness seeping through her veins. 

„And I’m happy that you did. As much as it hurts, I am happy for you. You deserve this but there is nothing left for me here. Maybe I came here to find purpose, to find answers but I came up empty-handed though it wasn’t all in vain.“

He reached for her hand, hoping that the gentle physical contact would help to ease the sadness that was evident on her face. 

„I never thought that any of this would happen one day and I know it hasn’t always been easy but I am glad that you came with me because you found love and a new life.“

„I’m sorry I surprised you with the engagement news,“ she said quickly, almost apologetically. „I didn’t mean to snap at you or rebuke you in any way.“

„Scully, it didn’t do anything to change my mind.“

„I never wanted it to end like this,“ she said softly.

„Who said it is ending?“ he asked and gave her a few moments to let that sink in. „I was taken aback when you shared the news, I admit that and it even hurt a little but I’ll get over it eventually. The thought of you being with Stella strangely puts my mind at ease. She loves you dearly and you’ll be happy with her.“

„It’s scary,“ Scully admits, softly chuckling through the pain. 

„Isn’t it always?“ he said and smiled. „Scully you’ll always be the woman who saved my life. You’ll always be the one person I trust more than anyone else and you will always be the most important person in my life. I know it didn’t always feel that way but I hope that there’s a part inside of you that still knows that this is true.“

She bit her lip and nodded, blinking the tears away. 

„You’ll be so far away.“

„I’ll always be around somehow,“ he told her and she felt strangely reassured. 

„What will you do when you get back?“ Scully asked, knowing that he had no family left there. 

„Find an easy job and check whether the unremarkable house still exists? I’m sure there will be lots of work to do after such a long time.“

She sighed at the mention of the place that had once been her home.

„You’ll be bored after a week,“ she said and he laughed. 

„Don’t worry about me, Scully,“ he said. „You will marry Stella and everything is going to be fine. You will look stunning and be happy, you will see.“

„I really don’t know what to say.“

„Maybe we’ll give it a few days to sink in,“ he suggested. „I feel like I haven’t quite grasped it yet, not until I’ll actually be there.“

Scully was sad and upset, knowing that the mess of emotions was something she had to handle all by herself. She couldn’t have it all; she loved living close to Mulder because she knew that she could always rely on him to save her when it was needed, it had calmed her. Knowing that he was back in the States troubled her for reasons she couldn’t quite understand because she had everything she needed in London. As foolish as it seemed she knew that she couldn’t have it all; she couldn’t stay in England with Stella, living happily ever after and expect Mulder to stick around and stay put for when it suited her most. Scully knew that this was one of the many things that now caused her great turmoil. 

She didn’t ask when he would leave but in the end he promised to let her know what day his plane left. She didn’t have the heart to ask when they’d meet again because she felt like she wouldn’t like the answer so she drove back to London in the late afternoon with a million questions on her mind and not a single answer in sight.

***

„You’re home early,“ Stella said without looking up from her screen; she hadn’t expected Dana to be back for the next two hours at least.

„Change of plans,“ Scully said and kissed Stella while she walked by. 

„Did something happen?“ Stella asked and turned away from her laptop. 

Scully slumped on the sofa and kicked off her shoes. The silence in the car had done nothing to calm her. She still felt highly irritated and it upset her that his news had bothered her so much. She didn’t want to be so shaken, feeling almost foolish because she couldn’t explain it. 

Scully shrugged and let herself fall back against the cushions; Stella took off her glasses and walked over to where Dana was sitting. 

„I don’t even know where to start,“ Scully said, sounding incredibly frustrated. „I went back to the house to talk to Mulder and the whole place was empty, there was nothing but boxes left.“

For a brief moment Stella thought that Mulder hadn’t been there but that would have been weird. She didn’t know him too well, would he really disappear without a word?

„He told me that he’s going back to Washington.“

„Oh,“ Stella said and sat down in the armchair, not sure what to say. 

Was this good or bad? She still hadn’t been able to figure out what kind of mood Dana was in. 

„Did he say why?“

„He said there is nothing left for him here,“ Scully explained without looking at Stella. She couldn’t ignore the hint of guilt that rooted within her because she had moved on without him. „He said that I found someone, I have a life now, far away from all the terrible things we have gone through.“

Stella saw the sadness written all over her fiancées face, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. While she felt sorry for her she also didn’t quite understand why Dana seemed so upset. Stella wasn’t sure whether it was because she didn’t have anything remotely comparable in her life or because she didn’t understand the nature of their former relationship. 

„That’s not a bad thing,“ Stella said calmly. 

„No,“ Scully said and sighed. „It’s just… I don’t know what it is! I’m just so angry!“

„Because he is leaving?“ Stella refrained from using the pronoun ‚you‘ at the end of her sentence.

„I came here because of him,“ Scully said, not sure where this was going. „Because he asked me and I didn’t have much left so I was foolish enough to follow him without even questioning it. I gave up everything for him!“

Stella looked at her, a twinge of anger sparking in her lower belly. She’d lie saying that these words didn’t hurt her; Stella knew - or hoped - that these words had nothing to do with her but it was all a matter of interpretation. 

„Do you still think it’s a bad thing that you came to England?“

„What?“ Scully asked and looked up. „No, that’s not what it is!“

„Then what’s your point?“ Stella wondered. „Why does it bother you so much that you agreed to come here with him and now he’s leaving? That’s what’s bothering you? That he’s leaving you?“

„He’s not leaving me, Stella! I just feel betrayed somehow,“ Scully said and got up, slowly pacing the small space between the sofa and the coffee table. „I gave up everything for him and now he’s just leaving because he didn’t get what he wanted!“

„What is it that you expect him to do?“ Stella asked, trying to stay calm. „I really don’t get it!“

„How could you?“ Scully wondered without wanting to accuse Stella of anything. There was no way Stella could ever fully understand the kind of relationship she had had with Mulder because there were so many things she had been forced to lie about, so many incidents that better remained a secret and she hated that she couldn’t be entirely honest with the woman she loved. What she hated most about all of this was the hurt she saw on Stella’s face the moment she had uttered these words and the painful realization that they had never had a serious argument before.  
They had bickered at each other and briefly argued about pointless things but it had never gone beyond the surface.

„You’re right,“ Stella said through gritted teeth, feeling deeply offended all of a sudden. „I never will and you know what I don’t get either? That you were trying to get away from that man. When we first met you were a mess because you felt so unhappy and trapped and… I just don’t understand. Why would you be so upset about him leaving when that’s all you’ve wanted for so long?“

„I don’t know,“ Scully said and crossed her arms in front of her chest. „It just hurts. It feels weird knowing that he won’t be around any longer.“

„I really don’t get it,“ Stella said angrily and shook her head; she knew that a part of her didn’t want to understand. She just wanted to be angry right now. 

„He has been there for most of my life,“ Scully weakly tried to explain, feeling like she had used these words a million times already. „He has always been there one way or the other and… I just feel like a part might be missing when he’s not around.“

„And I thought you had moved on,“ Stella whispered. 

„I have and you know that!“

„Do I, really?“

„Stella, don’t do this, please!“ Scully said more vigorous this time. „That’s not what I meant. I don’t want to be with anyone but you.“

„Maybe I just don’t get it because I never had anything like that, maybe I just don’t know what it feels like.“

It wasn’t an apology but more of an attempt to end this conversation and sleep on it until things calmed down a little. She knew they wouldn’t get anywhere and simply dig a whole for themselves if they kept going. 

„Stella,“ Scully said softly, almost pleading. 

„No, it’s okay,“ Stella said and pinched the back of her nose with two fingers. „I just thought you were finally happy, that’s all I ever wanted but it sounds like you’re upset because you are here.“

„That’s not true, you know that,“ Scully said, knowing that she had hurt Stella. 

„I’ll get ready for bed,“ Stella said and walked into the bedroom without looking back. Scully didn’t follow her; she stayed in the empty living room for a little while longer, the urge to cry increasing with every breath she took. She was overwhelmed, frustrated and upset and it felt like the only thing left to do was crying to ease some of the tension. She didn’t want to join Stella just yet, not sure how to make up for what she had said, afraid that Stella would reject her. 

She went to the small guest bathroom, the very one she had used when they had first met, and closed the door behind her. The scalding tears came instantly and she covered her mouth with her hand to muffle the sobs. Her body was shaking and she let the tears fall until there was nothing left. She wiped them tears away with the back of her hand after a couple of minutes, feeling emotionally drained and tired, and made her way to the bedroom. 

She found Stella in the adjoining bathroom, brushing her teeth in front of the sink. Scully walked in and sat on the edge of the bathtub, still trying to figure out what to say. 

Stella watched Dana’s reflection. She could tell that she had been crying and immediately fought the urge to comfort her because she was still hurting. 

„I don’t know why I was so upset,“ Scully finally said, the emotions still weighing heavily in her voice. „I guess I just didn’t expect anything like that to happen. I was foolish to believe that things would stay like this forever, selfish even.“

She took a deep breath and looked up from her hands, trying to find Stella’s reflection in the mirror. 

„I know I have no right to be angry but I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it at the moment, that’s just the way it is. I did regret coming to England but that was before I met you and now… I couldn’t be happier.“  
Stella rinsed off her tooth brush and turned around, crossing her arms in front of her chest while she leaned against the sink. 

„The mere thought of what might have been hurts terribly. What if I had refused to go with Mulder? Where would I be now if I stayed behind? It breaks my heart and I don’t want to imagine a life without you,“ she said, her voice breaking at the end. 

Stella bit her lip, the words hitting just the right buttons. She had always found it hard to believe confessions like that but there was so much honesty in Dana’s words that her resolve was slowly crumbling. 

„I’m sorry that my words hurt you, that was never my intention, Stella.“

Stella sighed and closed the distance between them. Scully looked up and waited for Stella to make the next move. She stood between Dana’s legs and cupped her face, her thumbs gently drying the remains of the tears. Scully put her hands on Stella’s wrist, turning her head a little to place a soft kiss on Stella’s palm and her wrist.

„I understand that it hurt and that it scared you but…“ She tried to find the right words, almost begging Dana to understand what she was trying to say. 

„I’m right here,“ she whispered, quietly asking Dana not to shut her out. 

„I know you are,“ Scully said and rose to meet Stella, wrapping her arms around her fiancée. „And I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.“

Scully kissed her gently as if to reassure herself that Stella was right in front of her. 

„I’ll be there in a minute,“ she said and Stella left her to get ready for the night.

***

They were way ahead of their usual bedtime but it was quiet and warm and neither of them seemed to mind. Stella’s head was resting on Dana’s shoulder while she absent-mindedly played with a strand of Stella’s hair. It was a soothing contact and the physical closeness seemed to ease the pain a little.

„I don’t want you to be angry with me,“ Scully said and turned around to look at Stella, their faces only inches apart. 

„Hearing these words from you hurt. I guess it scared me, for a brief moment I was afraid that I was going to lose you.“

„I won’t go anywhere, Stella. I love you and I don’t want to be with anyone else.“

„I just wish my mind wouldn’t try to convince me of something else every now and then. I never felt that way and it has always been hard to believe the nice things and take them for real.“

„I’ll happily remind you every time it is needed.“

Stella nodded.

„Will you be okay?“ she asked, referring to the situation with Mulder. 

„Yes,“ she said, her fingers gently brushing the warm skin of Stella’s skin. „Because I have everything I need.“

She leaned in to kiss Stella, softly brushing against her lips again and again until they eventually drifted off to sleep after a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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